Fantasy Baseball Advice

Last night, Dan Haren took the naysayers and said you know nay.  The line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, no walks and 14 strikeouts, and, note to Scherzer, he managed 13 other outs.  Good thing Haren and Pujols started clicking before the trade deadline, Arte Moreno was seen buying some leftover Vegas hotel dynamite and about to give the big poof you to the Anaheim Angels Of A 40 Minute Commute From Los Angeles.  Haren showed great command and movement last night even though his velocity’s been down.  I’d still bet a season ERA above 3.50, unless Haren’s traded every fifth day to the team facing the Mariners.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  What, horsemeat?  Al-Pu is made of 100% ground chuck, baby!  24 more days in a row like this, and we’re good.

Austin Jackson – While he mends his strained abdominal — he’s the Abdominal Strainman! — Quintin Berry should see some time in Jackson’s stead.  Yesterday, he went 1-for-3.  Too bad Quintin Berry doesn’t play for the Royals.  Or that his name isn’t Dan with the middle name Quintin.  You’re still alive in our hearts, Quiz!  I’m gonna eat a submarine sandwich for you.  Berry likes to run.  In fact, I’ll call him, HeRun.  In Triple-A, he had 19 steals in 39 games.  In AL-Only leagues, HeRun isn’t much more than a flyer for speed.  The darker the Berry, the sweeter the SAGNOF!  In mixed leagues, you can do better.  Look at me showing confidence in you.  I’m like your Dad on opposite day.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Justin Masterson (7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.)  It was a game that was all about Justin your instincts.  Sorry, my pun muscle is a little Justy.  Must be because I’ve been fencing at my gym rather than joustin’.  For Masterson, it’s all about adJustin’.  Or re-adJustin, if you dropped him.  His luck shows a guy that was dealing with a bit of injustice.  Is he the meow’s cat?  Nah, that’s unJustinfied.  He could be a back end starter on deeper mixed leagues without an unJustinly amount of Ks.  Not remotely Verlander though, he’s the master, son.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitting leadoff seems to be working for Choo as he hit his 3rd HR of the year off Verlander.  He’ll probably find a way to go 20/20 out of sheer habit like Bobby Abreu used to.  In a lot of superficial ways (decent stats, kind of boring), these two seem really similar.  Maybe we’ll start calling Shin-Soo-Kabrechu.

John Danks – To the DL with left shoulder soreness.  That might explain why he’s been terrible.  In fact, maybe it’s been lingering since 2010.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  If an impatient owner (like me) stupidly (still me) dropped him (that’s what I did), I’d grab him.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th homer.  If you’re gonna own him, it looks like there’s going to be 0-for-24 slumps scattered amongst his homers.

Brian McCann – Out for the third straight day.  Sounds like he caught something.

Michael Bourn – 1-for-4 as he homered again yesterday for his third in the series.  This gives me an idea.  How about all players that weigh 170 pounds and under can use an aluminum bat?  Then before each AB, players can weigh-in like a wrestling match.  “Too many sunflowers seeds, Bourjos, grab some wood!”  “Prince Fielder’s out for two weeks for Lap-Band surgery, but when he returns watch out!” and finally “Juan Pierre homers!”

Randall Delgado – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Looked a lot better than his line indicates, but even if your league has an “Appearances” category, I’m not sure this is what they have in mind.

Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and 5th homer as he played third base for Chipper, who the Reds honored during their pregame show because it was the last time he’d be playing in Cincy.  Classy move as they gave Chipper an artificial hip.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  There should be a Vegas bet where you bet whether Bailey will go 6 innings and give up 2 earned or if he’ll go less than 4 innings and give up four plus runs.  Those seem like the only lines he ever gives.

Logan Ondrusek – Got his second save last night because Aroldis had worked the night before.  I wouldn’t own the whole Reds’ bullpen, but this could be a semi-frequent occurrence.  Dusty hates fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-3 with a grand slam.  Thursdays are a fun day for 2 catcher leagues, huh?

Yadier Molina – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  The best of the Flying Molina Brothers came out yesterday — Alfred Molina, “Excuse me, I could catch AND do improvisation theater.”  Yadier had been like half a mummy since his oven-roasted April, but this could be a sign he’s turning it on again, facing Blanton certainly didn’t hurt.

David Freese – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs.  Another guy that took a fortnight siesta, but his bat woke up on Wednesday and now has two homers in the last two games.

Ty Wiggington – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now.  Wiggy rarely hits just one and done, and he’s probably out there in a ton of leagues, so if you need a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), go for it.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, now hitting .366.  Elsewhere, Konerko homered and went 2-for-4 to raise his average to .384, David Wright homered and raised his average to .405, and Tony Gwynn just hit 415 on the scale.

Austin Kearns – His hamstring injury could mean Gaby Sanchez’s return from Triple-A on the first day he’s eligible, which also happens to be the day the Marlins are giving away Gaby t-shirts to the first 15,000 fans.  That’s like breaking up with your girlfriend on February 13th and getting back together on February 15th.  Anthony Rizzo may want to consider having 15,000 Rizzo t-shirts given away on June 1st.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Such a frustrating start.  Pagan drove in three runs on broken bat hits, a botched rundown that could’ve wiped out one run, a passed ball that was ruled a wild pitch was another run, a blooper by Belt for another run… Basically, Anibal gave up one well hit ball.

Emilio Bonifacio – Who has one good thumb and likes to steal bases?  This Bonifacio!  Looks like Emilio won’t be throwing any air punches for the next four to six weeks.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals, batting .340.  Bonifacio who?!  Emilio.  I know, Random Italicized Voice, it’s an expression.  ‘Bonifacio who’ is an expression?  Forget it.

Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a steal.  If there’s anyone out there who believes Melky is a .362 hitter, I’d sell him Melky and anything else you got lying around the house that you might not want.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI as he homered yesterday.  Hey, does he weigh under 170 pounds?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 2 homers and third in three games.  Justin the nick of time!… Okay, I’m done.  Morneau should be owned, shoot, he’s doing better than Ryan Zimmerman. (<–saying nothing!)

Ike Davis – Mets told Ike he definitely won’t be going to the minors.  They had one of their doctors tell him though, since they’re never accurate.  Yesterday, he sat for Veal Rottino.  At least that’s what I think the V. stood for in the box score.

Jeremy Hefner – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  No grotto for you tonight!

Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs.  What’s this week’s Creeper not doing?  You should thank FtA for the tip of the week.

Eric Stults – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Everth Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs and EverCab got the Heartspark Stealsign.  Honestly, I think this is more hits than he had combined over his entire career.

Yoenis Cespedes – Changing his bat grip so he can return from the DL.  He used to nestle the knob, which might’ve caused the muscle strain.  I’d say!  Nestling knobs in the palm of your hand?  That’s the kind of thing you want to keep on the DL, Yoenis.  In related news, Brian Dozier is upset Thome is no longer in Minnesota as his dream growing up was to play with his Jimmy and the Twins.

In the preseason, I said Adam Lind could contend for the MVP.  Wow.  It’s almost like Matthew Berry put that thought in my head.  In a litany of dopey things I’ve said, that might take the cake, frost it and smush it into my face.  The Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice), the Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice)… Hi-ho, the marry-o… What was I thinking?!  In my defense, he didn’t have an ailing back when I said that flimflammery and I told you to drop him outright a few weeks ago.  Oh, well, that’s what you get sometimes from crazy predictions.  Just flat-out crazy.  Like I should be walking into traffic in a burlap sack crazy.  So the Jays added a third A to Lind’s first name, sending him to the minors.  Since he was hitting like an infant, it makes sense.  In his place, the Jays called up Yan Gomes.  What’s with people and the last name Gomes unable to spell John?  Yanny was hitting .359 with 5 dingers in Triple-A.  Whatever, right?  Well, he’s a catcher, so those are like MVP (dah!) numbers.  In AL-Only leagues, I could see grabbing him.  Right now, he’s behind J.P., Mathis, Lawrie and Encarnacion, but Lawrie’s got a suspension and Edwin just made an error and the Jays game doesn’t even start for 12 hours, so Yanny could see time all over the field.  Yesterday, he played third and went 2-for-3.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Unable to decide on the shadow coat rack or just bad calls, he dropped his appeal.  He is also practicing counting to ten before blowing his top.  As soon as he figures out what comes after 6 it should be a breeze.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  I think he leads my RCL team in homers.  Now I will cry.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks which equals a pretty mediocre start in Metco.  This was his chance to string three quality starts together.  At best, that chance only comes around once every three starts!

Lucas Duda – I didn’t mention it yesterday when he had a 3-for-4 day because I wasn’t sure if it would be a 3-for-4 day followed by a 1-for-4 day or a 3-for-4 day followed by a 3-for-4 day or a 2-for-5 day.  It turns out that 3-for-4 day became a 2-for-5 day and now he looks like he’s a hot schmotato again.  And, sorry, I think my 3-for-4 day record is scratched; it keeps repeating.

Ike Davis – 0-for-2 to lower his average to .164.  He’ll be fine.  He has his family’s support.  You know who I really worry about?  That poor soul who drafted Hosmer and Ike Davis.

David Wright – 2-for-2 with his 4th steal.  I pledged a nickel to Jerry Lewis’s Kids for every time I mention Wright.  We’re up to fifteen cents.

Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer and 3rd in the last 4 games, and hitting .381 in the last week.  As we know, Viciedo is Latin for I Swing Therefore I Am, and he’s living up to that.  In 118 ABs, he has 32 Ks and 3 walks, but if he’s swinging a hot bat, what do you care?

Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as the White Sox let him throw 102 pitches.  Could someone help the White Sox tie their shoes because they’re wearing kid gloves?

Josh Reddick – 2-for-5 with his 10th homer.  I wouldn’t use Reddick’s towel to dry my hands, but I’m sure enjoying him on our teams.

Adam Wainwright – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Far from a beautiful outing vs. the Melky-led Giants.  “Yo, Giants fans, you got Melky in your three hole.  Y’all is spoiled!”  That’s a Padres fan talking.  If you heard this week’s podcast, Rudy and I discussed Wainwright with some favorable mentions and whatnot.

Allen Craig – Out for a few days with a tight hammy.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit the DL.  Poor guy, can’t have nothing nice with his health around.  It’s like Chipper Jones is his mentor. “Now, when you get out of bed, you’re gonna feel your quad tighten up.  That’s totally natural.”

Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he got the start in right field with Berkman back in the lineup.  He should continue to see starts with Craig pulling a Craig.  I’m also convinced that the Cards could put anyone in their lineup and they’d hit.

Charlie Culberson – The Charlie Culberson Era has officially begun!  That’s almost as electrifying as TBS’s George Lopez Era.  Charlie Culberson sounds like he has grit and other intangibles, but for s’s and g’s let’s see what tangibles he has.  This year in Triple-A, he hit 5 homers with a steal.  The year before in Double-A, 10 homers, 14 steals.  His glove’s a bit sloppy, i.e., Charlie Culberson makes fielding grounders cumbersome (say that fast 117 times!).  Sounds nice for fantasy, right?  Yeah, he might also hit .210.  Charlie Culberson not only has a name that only sounds right if you say the whole thing, but he also hasn’t seen too many pitches he doesn’t like.  In NL-Only leagues, you can find worse — like the other schmohawks the Giants were playing at 2nd.  In mixed leagues, let’s see how ol’ Charlie Culberson plays out.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Plouffe goes the dynamite!

Justin Morneau – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Don’t sleep on Morneau!  Seriously, because if you guys knock heads while laying on top of him, you may seriously hurt him.  If you really need a corner infidel, I’d go ahead and grab him.  Of ghrabi him, if you like things spelled to look like they’re in the Middle East.

Matt Capps – Perfect inning to notch his 8th save.  I’m totally jinxing him by even talking about him, but I remember distinctly during our RCL draft (after ending up with Cano instead of Votto!), Rudy saying to me how Storen and Valverde were the solid closers that I drafted, but how I’m gonna regret Capps.  This year more than most, it just proves SAGNOF!  Draft three closers, pray they work out and don’t overpay for them.

Mark Trumbo – 4-for-4 with a steal (hitting .370) while Pujols hit his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games.  It only took Scioscia 39 games to figure out a lineup!  Don’t worry, it’ll take the Sciosciapath only a day to forget.   Oh, and good luck on buying low on Pujols now.  Oh, Part II:  The Return Of Oh:  This Pujols turnaround all started with the firing of the hitting coach.

C.J. Wilson – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks.  Fire the pitching coach!

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 jacks.  Don’t you despise people who call homers jacks?  It’s not as bad as people who use the word uber, but it’s not far off.

Ryan Roberts – 3-for-5 yesterday, and, since his Creeper of the Week post on Monday, he’s 7-for-18 with a steal and two new tats.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer to raise his average to .224.  If you had thoughts of buying low, time could be slipping, slipping, slipping into the frontal suture.  Damn you, Autocorrect!

Trevor Bauer – Was promoted from Double-A to Triple-A yesterday as he slowly makes his way to the majors.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Bob Sugar read it and gave me a thumbs up.

Orlando Hudson – Was released by the Padres.  You know who’s ears are perking up?  Brian Sabean.  He likes his meat aged, jerky!  I wish Orlando Hudson the best; I always loved his mom, Florida Evans.

Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a steal.  He’s doing better than my Utility man in the RCL.  It’s sad, because it’s true.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  That’s his first homer since April 27th.  That’s a long delay on the snooze button.

Brandon Beachy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.33.  Pretttay, pretttay good.  He could be a top ten starter this year, and that guy that has an ERA around 2.50 in September.  With Beachy, it’s no shore thing, but ride the wave.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was beat by a Barajas homer.  Or as J-Z would say B*****s.

Dee Gordon – 0-for-3, lowering his average to .207.  If he doesn’t turn it around, we’re about ten days away from him being demoted.

James McDonald – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Five and two-thirds and only 5 baserunners with 11 Ks but 3 earned?  That doesn’t even seem possible.  Raw deal, J-Mac.  A’ight, real talk, guys and 4 girls, McDonald used to be a top prospect.  It was a while ago now, but maybe he’s putting his shizz on lock.  You feel me?  Okay, you’re just touching the computer screen; you’re not actually feeling me.  McDonald has around a 8 K/9, a strong FIP (2.88), and his walks are in check.  If Mickey D’s is out there, I’d absolutely grab him.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  He’s going for the record of most homers with the least amount of RBIs.  The Pirates are doing all they can to support that record-setting goal.

Matt Moore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  I’m sure this was a bit of a sonavabench for a bunch of you, but I’d much rather have a struggling starter do well on my bench than continue to stink up the joint.

Ricky Nolasco – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Aw, how sad, he was Rudy’s streamboat in the RCL.  Oh, wait, he benched him.  Sonavawishhewasn’tbenched!

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5 and his 8th steal.  I asked Rudy the other day if he thought Altuve should start being dropped in 12 team leagues.  His words were something like, “He’s a .300 hitter with 25 steal speed at the top of a lineup, what do people want from an MI?”

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks and took the loss as he ran into the hot-hitting Twins.  I’m not completely joking either.  They actually have scored some runs of late.  Though, Mauer, who’s hitting .265, sure hasn’t been involved.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  You think he gets this a lot, “Where’s the beef, Welington?”  Probably not.  I’m not going to say he’s a better option than Geovany Soto.  That’s obvious.  Soto has a bad case of can’t-hit-to-save-his-life-itis and a sore knee.  Welington had 15 homers last year in Triple-A.  Right now, he’s just for two catcher leagues, but I could see him stealing more time from Soto even when the latter gets healthy.

Johnny Giavotella – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .176 as the Guido played over Hosmer.  Sadly, it makes sense.

Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  That sounds like a tailor-made matchup for some fingercuffing that didn’t work out great for either finger.

Dustin Ackley – 1-for-5 with a steal.  Hey, his cleats arrived from Japan!

Brandon League – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  And on the fourth day, God said only Fernando Rodney and Jim Johnson can close with ERAs under 3.

Ichiro Suzuki – 0-for-6 to lower his average to .278.  Doode got old fast, right?  It’s my Morita Law of Asian Ages.  Pat Morita was young and spry on Happy Days, then five years later as Mr. Miyagi he looked ancient.

Hector Noesi – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.61.  On a side note, I wonder if Carlos Beltran would pay for Jon Niese to have his last name changed to Noesi.

The Closer Look was only six days ago and we’ve already lost a $12 Salad (Mo), a Donkeycorn (Huston Street) and three Brain Freezes (Santiago/Thornton, Bell, Downs).  If you think the Closepocalypse is something created by the media (me) to sell newspapers (no one buys newspapers), then continue to disbelieve.  I’m just back from Costco with a keg of chicken broth, 400 count box of Mallomars and a 17 pound box of Wheat Thins to stock my Closepocalypse shelter.  When the major leagues have run out of all pitchers to close and have exhausted all other athletes in all other sports trying to convert them to closers and they come knocking on my door, I’m going into my Closepocalypse shelter and you won’t see me again.  Street is always a good nose blow away from getting hurt, so it’s no huge shocker.  The Padres don’t think he’ll be back when his DL stint is up, and I’ll go as far to say he won’t be back for about a month and he’s a setback away from missing three months.  For further reading on that see:  His career.  I grabbed Andrew Cashner in one league.  I would’ve grabbed Luke Gregerson too if I had room, but, alas, I did not.  Who could fit anything with this keg of broth?!  And, because as soon as anyone becomes a closer, they get hot in the way a Dutch oven is hot, so Cashner followed every other closer this year and gave up a bunch of runs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Cory Luebke – Probably needs Tommy John surgery.  He said his symptoms point to it.  Now the only thing between him and Tommy John surgery is a visit to Dr. James Andrews.  Thank your deity of choice that Dr. James Andrews didn’t become a dentist.  “I think I have a cavity.”  “Okay, you’re gonna be sidelined 12 to 15 months.”

Heath Bell – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck and finally pulled the plug on Bell.  Joey Cora applauded the decision, saying, “No one wears a towel around a neck like Ozzie.”  Was about two weeks coming now that Bell would be rung up, and I’ve been telling you to pick up Cishek for about as long.  He’s been flat-out dominant (0.63 ERA, 0.91 WHIP) so there’s a chance he takes the job and runs with.  He didn’t get the save yesterday because he was used excessively the other day.  There’s also a chance Ozzie lets Bell get saves again after a week or two in the bullpen.  Or Ozzie could just see Mujica get a save and let him run with the job.  What I think happens to Bell is he’s ineffective in a setup role and lands on the Disgraceful List.  It wasn’t like Bell was lost because of confidence.  Not like he’s new to the 9th inning.  Something’s off with him physically.

Jayson Werth – Will miss at least 6 weeks with a broken wrist.  FWIWerth, I think he could miss three months.  I was speculating earlier that Harper might not stay in the bigs, even though they named a cereal after him (Bryce Krispies).  Now Harper’s definitely not going anywhere, except to the store to buy more eye black.

Matt Kemp – Didn’t start yesterday with a tight hamstring.  Dodgers are saying he’ll be fine.  Kemp’s owners are praying he’ll be fine.

Javy Guerra – Blew the save, but, with the current closer situation around the majors, he looked downright awesome!

Jason Bay – Terry Collins said it still hurts when Bay laughs, which makes it hard to play since Bay’s career has become such a joke.

Ruben Tejada – Probably headed to the DL with a quad strain. C’mon, Ruben, it’s nothing a little extra Thousand Island dressing can’t fix.

Lorenzo Cain – Now will be out for at least another month.  Finally, he gets an everyday job handed to him and he can’t stay healthy.  Him and Mat Gamel should take the University of Phoenix online seminar, “Opportunities Knocks Isn’t Just A Dana Carvey Movie.”

Adam Jones – 3-for-8 with his 8th homer.  I’ve been meaning to give Jones a lede in a roundup, but all these stupid closers have monopolized things.   Jones is a guy that can go 30+ homers with 15+ steals.  He’s real and he’s beautiful.

Nolan Reimold – Placed on the DL after two weeks of “Will he?” or “Won’t he?” speculation about his health.  Judge Reimold not by the color of his skin, but by his inability to recognize pain.

Mark Reynolds – The Mini Donkey show is hot, as he hit homers Friday and Saturday.  If someone dropped him, grab him.

J.J. Hardy – 5-for-8, with two solo homers.  Orioles fans are now saying Cal Ripken who?  Though they probably mean, “Are you talking about junior or senior?”

Chris Davis - 0-for-8 with 5 Ks and 2 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks as he finished out the extra inning game.  Before Davis even entered the locker room, 15 clubs inquired about him to be their closer.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs as he hit his first homer, which was a grand salami.  (Oh, and welcome, Google Searcher of “Donkey show is hot” + “grand salami.”  We won’t judge you here.)

Chris Sale – I told you the White Sox manager’s hat is like the Mask, where whomever wears it makes the craziest decisions.  Ventura appointed Sale the closer because he has a tender elbow and they want to cut back his innings.  The pitching coach had a classic line regarding the move, “Listen, we’re not making this decision based upon what’s best for the team.” Same could be said about how they put together their entire offense.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Don’t even really care that it was against the Pirates.  I mean, sure, I would’ve told everyone and their mother’s child to drop him if he pitched poorly here, but he didn’t.  This is why you held him through all the mishegoss. I will now look forward to owning him as he drops his ERA from 4.93 to the mid-3′s.

Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 2nd homer in the last three days and a slam & legs yesterday.  He’s on a 15+ homer, 25+ steal pace with a .262 average.  He credits his newfound success with some advice from Dusty that he didn’t pay attention to.

David Robertson – Brace Face says the closer job is still kinda up in the air, but I think Robertson is gonna be the closer and a $12 Salad by June.  I didn’t put him in Friday’s Buy, because I didn’t realize he wasn’t owned in every league.  He should’ve been already.  Doode’s filthy, filthy as in good, not filthy as in bad, and that’s not bad as in good but bad as in bad.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hey, those smelling salts I used on my Cano voodoo doll worked!

Albert Pujols – Maicer Izutris pinch hit for him and homered… No, wait, that was actually Pujols that homered!

Scott Downs – “Hey, God here, just wanted to give you a heads up that I have a fantasy team this year and I punted saves, so, ya know, gotta do what you gotta do.”  Downs hurt his knee yesterday.  Why?  Because closers can’t have anything nice this year.  It’s actually gotten to the point where a closer will get replaced and I won’t even look for him in all of my leagues because I just assume he too will be replaced in a few days.  LaTroy Hawkins got the save yesterday, but I’d be surprised if Walden didn’t just get the next one because, well, he never really did anything wrong to begin with to lose the job.  Then again, Walden could’ve got the save yesterday and didn’t.  “Hey, Bourjos, you want the top bunk?”  That’s Walden looking at his new digs in the Scioscia Dog House.  Hawkins definitely won’t be getting the next save, because the price he paid for getting yesterday’s was a broken pinkie.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Supposedly, the Indians found a flaw in his delivery prior to this game.  Though, I’m not sure if they fixed it because he still threw five walks in seven innings.  Maybe his flaw was that he was throwing meaty strikes and now he’s throwing meatballs.

Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-3 with a steal and he hit a homer the other day.  I might just be trying to stay positive with this schmohawk because Rudy drafted him on a bunch of our teams, but it feels like Choo is finally coming out of his slump.  Knowing our (and his) luck, he’ll probably get injured this week.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 with a homer and 3 RBIs.  He has 20 homer power and some speed.  I’d check raise that to the bettor and go Allen.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Before we start reaching around on each other, let’s wash our hands and remember Wainwright was facing the Asstros.

Chris Johnson – Hit two homers on Wednesday and he hit another one on Saturday.  You, “Do you smell something burning?”  Me, “Oh, yeah, that’s a Chris Johnson’s hot schmotato.  It’s okay to put tin foil in the microwave, right?”

Derrek Lee – Sounds like he’s gonna join former teammate Aramis on the Brewers.  Now all the Brewers need to do is cover the 7th inning Racing Bratwurst in yellow mustard, onions, bright green sweet pickle relish, a dill pickle spear, tomato slices and a dash of celery salt.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks on Friday as Smyly continues to be the happiest man in baseball.  He gets the Mariners in Seattle next time out.  Run.  Don’t walk to the waiver wire and grab Drew Smyly Face Winking Emoticon With Weird Squiggle Coming Out Of His Mouth.

Matt Moore – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Against the A’s?  The A’s actually signed Brandon Inge as an upgrade and are now batting him 6th.  Early last week, the A’s asked their opponent if they minded if the A’s just put a cardboard cutout of Hulk Hogan at-bat for their 2nd baseman since Weeks was sick.  Against the A’s?  On the bright side, if you don’t own him (there’s no bright side if you do own him), this is a good opportunity to buy low.

Desmond Jennings – Left yesterday’s game with a sore knee.  Rays are saying it’s not a big deal, but it always concerns me when a player, whose name I’ve tattooed right above my butt crack, feels sore enough they have to leave in the middle of a game.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3 with his 6th homer.  Like I tell my girlfriends, you have to ignore a small sample size.  And for the most part, I do that.  Freeman’s power so far is surprising to me, but I don’t think it’s a small sample size thing.  If I were the type to change preseason projections, which I’m not, I’d give Freeman 27-ish homers.

Dayan Viciedo - Was hit on the elbow.  The bad news, he left immediately in what seemed to be a lot of pain.  The good news, he made contact with the baseball.

Brian Dozier – On his radio show, Gardenhire said Dozier would be the starting shortstop.  This is very surprising.  Gardenhire has a radio show?  Does he do call-in’s for who should bat cleanup?  Does he give away a thousand bucks for each time a Twins batter gets a hit, which turned into a terrible promotion?  Is Brad Radke his Baba Booey?  As for Dozier, not that surprising.  Twins need offense something fierce.  Dozier has been hitting in the minors (.276, 1 homer and 2 steals; yes, compared to the other Twins hitters that’s good).  I wouldn’t go near Dozier outside of AL-Only leagues.

Justin Morneau – To the 15-day DL.  If I was Morneau’s agent, I’d make sure there was a clause in his contract saying he gets a bonus every time he hits the DL.

Ryan Doumit – Hit 2 homers yesterday.  I have a confession.  In the RCL, I didn’t “Set it and Forget it.”  I drafted Soto and dropped him.  Then, of course, he hit a homer a few days later while I had A.J. Ellis (don’t ask) and now I have Salty, who I will probably drop too.  I’m a bad ‘pert, son.

Juan Nicasio – 5 IP, 6 ER.  As one of my stunod cousins would say, pitching like that you ain’t gonna Juan nothing!  In most mixed leagues, I’d lose Nicasio like the 80′s calculator watch he sounds like.

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-5 with his 3rd steal.  Don’t be stealing Campana’s trademark, “All I do is steal, and you like me because of it.”

Mike Carp – Hit a homer yesterday.  And he’s… Ugh, so hard to get excited about M’s hitters.  He’s got some… Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying.

Chone Figgins – On Friday, I said the M’s should move on from Figgy.  Looks like the Mariners read Razzball because on Friday they said, “Figgy, please… You are no longer an everyday starter.”  Tough break for Figgy; he’s now only gonna earn nine million dollars this year and eight million next year.  If I were him, I’d bring a suitcase of money to every game and count that shizz on the bench.  “Looks like a beautiful day at the ballpark.  There’s a slight wind coming in from the right field– Wait, what’s that Figgy is chasing out into the outfield?  Oh, it’s thousand dollar bills.”

Brian Wilson is donzo.  I called this one about 48 hours prior.  You can put it on the beard…. Goodbye!  The crizzappy thing for me is I told everyone to pick up Santiago Casilla to replace Wilson, and I picked him up too.  I mean, I literally grabbed Casilla while the trainer was looking at Wilson’s arm on Thursday.  So, of course, I dropped Casilla when Wilson was supposedly okay on Friday and Rudy grabbed him on Saturday before I could.  *shakes fist*  Rudy!  No one really knows who’ll follow in Wilson’s non-conformist footsteps.  He leaves a long shadow that smells of dirty socks.  Sergio Romo has been a great MR for a couple years, while Casilla is rumored to be the favorite and Bochy brought him into the 8th in a tie game on Saturday.  The mystery of ‘Who replaces Wilson?’ is trapped inside Bochy’s enormous head.  To get the answer, you have move Bochy’s head like one of those wooden labyrinth marble mazes and hope the answer comes out his mouth and not one of the other holes.  I’d grab Casilla and Romo, in that order.   I actually even grabbed Affeldt for situational saves, but I realized I couldn’t speculate that deep — don’t have the bench room, yo — so I lost him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – That hard C you heard was the crunch of Brignac falling on a crapton of fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) number one outfielder.  Doctors are saying Ellsbury has a subluxation, laymen are saying he has a dislocation of the shoulder, my Asian woman neighbor who’s always working on her lawn said, “Potato-potahto, you’re screwed.”  For the next six to eight weeks, he’s D’Ellsburied.  If he fails to respond to rest, there’s a chance he’ll need season-ending surgery.  I say put a cone on his head and shove him in a dog crate.  Gotta respond to that kind of rest.  If you owned Ellsbury, you should be able to find steals — SAGNOF! — on waivers.  His combo on speed, power, runs, RBIs, average… Well, it’s a bitter pill(sbury) to swallow.

Jason Repko – 0-for-3, as he started yesterday in CF for the Sawx.  Jason Repko is the answer to the question, “Who is Jason Repko?”  “Who’s the thirty-one year old has-been in the outfield?” “This is the Red Sox depth?” and “Wait, what?”

Mike Aviles – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in as many games after he took over the leadoff spot.  In the big picture, I’m not a fan of Aviles, but if you have a slow starting MI photobombing your big picture, I could see working with Aviles.  Just don’t be jockin’ Mike Aviles to my dismay.

Cody Ross – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  No one really likes a Cody, except Kathie Lee, but if he’s hitting there’s that.  BTW, with Big Papi, Youk, Ross, Aviles, Shoppach and Repko in the starting lineup yesterday, is it me or does it seem like Theo was secretly replaced by Brian Sabean?

David Wright – Decided to play through the pain and homered on Saturday, and has gone 5-for-9 in his two games back.  I don’t know.  I’m trying not to be a Mets player hater here, as I’ve been accused of in the past, but here’s my take.  I think Wright’s a gamer.  He’s shown it in the past.  At one point in 2009, he was battling concussion symptoms, lingering groin soreness, a flu and a strain behind his knee all at the same time.  And he still got on the field.  Can I dig it?  Yes, I can.  He’s like the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy.  But he still hit 10 homers that year in 144 games.  I’d be concerned that he’s playing with a broken pinkie and it’s not healing properly, so it ends up costing his numbers in the long run.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer.  I gotta say, people in the comments talking about dropping Ike Davis after 10 days of games is a bit crazy.  If he hits 3 more homers in April (still have half a month!), he’s on pace for 24 homers for the year.  Isn’t that kinda what you expected from him?

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a steal with the start.  Bochy’s marble must’ve fell out the right hole.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Pirates.  In the rankings, I wrote something about how Vogelsong would be a solid spot starter against weaker offenses.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Matt Moore – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has 9 walks in 13 innings.  Did Ollie Perez and Matt Moore make a wish while peeing in the same fountain?

Luke Scott – 1-for-4 with a homer in two straight games.  After Luke Scott hit a homer on Saturday, I grabbed him for Sunday’s game.  He’s like a slightly less streaky, Carlos Pena.  He can hit 8 homers in a month, then a buck twenty-five for another month, then get hurt during his home run trot.  April looks like the month he hits 8 homers.  Or April powers, bring May sours.

Hector Noesi – There are Noesi starts in MLB, but OAK @ SEA sure isn’t one of the hardest.  That said, 8 shutout innings with 6 Ks is pretty sweet.  He has potential to be the King of the Marginers.  “I name this land, Pineiroton, after one of our forefathers.”  That’s Noesi taking the King of the Marginers title a little too seriously.

Edwin Jackson – A complete game victory against the Reds with only 1 ER, 3 baserunners, and 9 Ks.  Don’t get too excited.  You take the win out of his name and you’re left with ‘Jacked, son.’  In shallow leagues, he’s a 6th SP or streaming candidate.

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer.  Eh, only 4 more than Stanton.  I’m not bitter.  Nah.  I will now down a bottle of NyQuil and operate heavy machinery.

Hanley Ramirez – 7 for his last 9 with a homer.  Hey, look what the cat dragged in –> 2010 Hanley.

Heath Bell – Could there be an easier save opp than a 3 run lead at the Crayola Canyon against the Lastros?  If there is, let Heath Bell know because he could use it.  Lucky for his owners, 2 of the runs were credited as unearned.  Wouldn’t handcuff him yet, but I’d be a little more aggressive fishing for waiver saves if I owned him.

Brandon Beachy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, which comes after Mike Minor went 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  If Leo Mazzone were around, he’d be on the bench rocking back and forth like The Masturbating Bear to the Braves young pitching.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer and he’s batting .345.  After the first game of the season, I said some crazy thing like Heyward looks lost.  Well, I’m a moron, similarly to Fredi, who insists on batting Heyward 7th.  Move Heyward up!

Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  The other Brewers catcher, Kottaras, has three homers.  So Kottaras and Lucroy combined have more homers than Pujols, Stanton, Longoria, Braun and Votto.  Gotta love early season outliers.

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  This has no basis in fact, but it seems like Leake (which makes beautiful crystal) that he either has a 6 IP, 3 ER game or a 6 IP, 5 ER.  That’s, uh, not so, uh, good for mixed leagues.  In related news, Aroldis has 8 IP, 3 hits, no walks and 15 Ks on the year.  In case you need that told to you with teenaged girl emphasis — 15 Ks!!!  In, like, only 8 IP!!!  Plenty gnar.

Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 yesterday with his second homer in three games.  Viciedo is Latin for “I came, I hacked, I homered.”

Jason Kipnis – 3 for his last 7 with 2 homers.  Here’s my Jason Kipnis fantasy because I don’t believe in throwing out the baby even after three Opening Days and eight total games for the Indians.  Hey, I get it, I’m just as bad.  In the my RCL, I’ve made 23 waiver wire moves (pretty much adding and dropping my UTIL guy cause I lost Chisenhall), but, well, go read this post.

Liam Hendriks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (0 walks), 4 Ks.  You know how next to the deli counter there’s a counter for starters who don’t walk or strikeout many guys and have more real world value than fantasy?  The Twins order their meat from there.

Matt Carpenter – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  He’s filling in for Berkman.  Carpenter’s minor league numbers look kinda utility-man-ish, so if that’s anything like Omar Infante, he’ll hit 4 homers this week.

Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  And if the Twins buy their meat from the Hendriks’ section, the Cards buy their meat from Westbrook/Chris Carpenter section where pitchers are either the type no one wants that the Cards turn into aces or the aces they turn into meat.

Bryan Shaw – Recorded his 2nd save of the year yesterday.  Now has more saves than Sean Marshall.  David Hernandez and Putz were used the previous day (and were ineffective), but there’s nothing to see here (probably).  Shaw may not get a nutter save this year.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks in Coors.  I know no one’s looking at rankings anymore because we’re a whole 9 games into a 162 games season, but I liked Cahill in the preseason.  I still do.

Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam & legs, hitting .364.  This was his fourth homer… To tie Omar Infante!  Since this is really all about me, Krispie is literally the only guy on my RCL team that is hitting.  That is all.  Literally.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer.  In the offseason, Kemp said he wanted to have a 50/50 season.  I didn’t realize he meant in April.

Dee Gordon – 2-for-6 with his 6th and 7th steal.  He really could steal 70 bases this year, as long as he doesn’t walk too close to a salad bar and someone mistakes him for a string bean.

Brett Myers – Astros are shopping around Myers.  Hey, I got an idea.  Trade him to the Nats for Lannan.  Or the Giants, Marlins, Blue Jays, Red Sox, Rangers, Rays, Diamondbacks, Twins, back to the Astros… Is there any team that doesn’t need a closer?

Kyle Drabek – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.42 on the year (okay, that’s through two starts).  Small sample size, schmall schample schmize.   He’s a former top prospect and you should grab him in case this is the breakout finally for this former-top-prospect-no-longer-a-prospect-maybe-is-showing-signs-of-being-a-top-prospect-again pitcher.  I got all hyphenated there, the un-comma.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer on the year as he bats .306.  No amount of hashtags is holding back our enthusiasm for Lawrie.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  What’s E5 doing at 1st?  The answer, my friend, is the blowing from Lind.

Andrew Bailey will need thumb surgery, according to one doctor.  He’s scheduled to get a second opinion today.  That second doctor’s gonna say, “The first doctor and I play golf and he only sent you to me to run up your doctor bills.  Of course you need surgery.”   My opinion is Bailey is always hurt and he’s gonna miss a few months.  When Bailey was first traded to the Sawx in the offseason, I even opined, “When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.”  In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer.  Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.”  Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for.  It’s a state of mind!  Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I don’t just bring this up for the Bailey news, but I wanted to say again how the Sawx GM originally pegged Melancon as having closer potential.  Originally, I said he wasn’t a big market closer, but guess what y’all?  He’s a heck more of a big market closer than Aceves.  He has closer experience and that you can’t buy (legally outside of Canada).  The Sawx are saying Aceves could get saves.  I’m not sure how much I believe it.  If Melancon was out there in my leagues, I grabbed him too (as in, in addition to Aceves).  If Aceves does get the first couple of saves, he’ll need to be perfect to keep the job, i.e., vis-a-vis, ergo, Melancon could end up getting 25 saves even if he doesn’t get the first couple.  This shituation is fluid so put on some plastic bed sheets.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – Went for an MRI on his knee yesterday.  Ah, the Mets and their injuries.  The Mets doctors originally thought Francisco was dealing with patella tendinitis — is that the pre-med Indian kid who lived in my freshman dorm?  Frank² had an ERA north of 5.50 in the spring and the publicity was, “Where’s his velocity?”  He thought he’d locate his electricity with tenacity, but kept ending up back at paucity, which left people grabbing Rauch in felicity, prior to her cutting her hair — the audacity!   Only issue is unless your league has a category for the number of things a pitcher can reach off a top shelf, Rauch may be useless.  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from the movie Role Models, could end up with the bulk of the saves.  Then there’s Ramon Ramirez, who insists you not call him Ram-Ram, not that there’s anything wrong with a little Ram-Ram… Basically, the Mets are a shizzshow closerousel that could get you sick to your stomach.  I grabbed Rauch in one league, Parnell in another league and think one of them will get the majority of the saves in April for the Mets.  Either could run with the job longer too.

Jason Bay – If he struggles in the season, the Mets said they could platoon him.  Not even joking here, but I think this the first bit of Mets front office news I’ve agreed with since they fired A.J. Mass from his Mr. Met job.

Sam Fuld – Out 4 to 5 months with wrist surgery.  Will give Fuld plenty of time to hunt wabbits.

Sean Marshall – Named Cincy closer.  I could’ve told you that last week, and I’m not even reading tea leaves, especially not chunky Betty Draper’s.

Aroldis Chapman – Will stay in the bullpen as a setup man for Marshall.  I wonder if Aroldis would’ve signed in Cincy if he would’ve known he’d be stuck in the bullpen for his whole career.  Coming from Cuba, he should’ve known he wasn’t going to get any say in the matter with the Reds.

Tyler Colvin – Someone grabbed Colvin in my NL-Only draft during the free round and everyone groaned.  Colvin is a whole lot of nothing right now, but prepare for Fowler to get benched a game here and there and Colvin to get a chance.  If he does well with those chances, Colvin will be a hot add everywhere.

Josh Beckett – Has a thumb injury, but shouldn’t miss his first start.  Beckett did go to Texas to get it checked out.  I’m guessing he didn’t hitchhike.

Carlos Lee – Ken Rosenthal reported that Lee can block trades to 14 teams this year.  With 18.5 million still going to Lee, 29 teams are hoping they’re one of the 14.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit a home run yesterday and finished with a .196 average.  Spring training numbers mean nothing, but I wouldn’t be shocked if this Cuban raftee sees an average around .200 this year.

Randall Delgado – Won the fifth rotation spot for the Braves.  As of right now, Delgado doesn’t look like he’s going to pitch well or past May 1st when Hudson returns.  Last year, he had an ERA of 2.83 in 7 games started, but a hideous K-rate, walk rate and xFIP.  I’m worried about his walk rate and K-rate dropping as he moves up to a new level.  Right now, I wouldn’t risk it outside of NL-Only leagues.

Tyler Pastornicky – Hey, the clergyman that Carmella made out with was named the Braves starting shortstop.  I went over my Pastornicky fantasy already.  I wrote it while being disappointed by the Worst Cooks in America finale.

Roger Bernadina – Nursing a right knee contusion, but should be fine for Opening Day.  Yesterday, in VinWins’ post about RCL trends, I was surprised to see Bernadina wasn’t drafted at all.  Not that I need to explain myself to you, but there’s gonna be a post later today from Rudy that is gonna blow your mind.  Let’s just say, just when you thought my mustache couldn’t get any fuller, it just did.

Jesus Montero – Was escorted off the field after getting beaned in the back of the helmet.  After the game, Wedge said he’s okay, it got him “in the fat part of the helmet.”  Then Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign demanding helmets of any size are treated the same, then Michelle Obama started a helmet nutrition program and the fat helmet lost weight and wasn’t nearly as funny.