Fantasy Baseball Advice

I’m just going to jump right in with this moron, or morron, as he’d spell it. First, a Karabell title, “Euphoric about Eugenio; closers, Bush, mail.” Eugenio who? Velez, the guy who should have one hand tied to the barrel of a bat so all he can do is bunt. He’s cheap speed. But so is chasing down a rock of crack with Red Bull. You wanna see helicopters? I’ll show you helicopters! Razzball pimped Velez too, back in March. Karabell’s pimping him in July. Since Karabell advised you pick him up three weeks ago, Velez has started three games. Sweet! How about giving Eric Chavez a pickup for some pop? Does anyone know why Luis Polonia’s not in Yahoo? He played baseball as hard as he pedophile’d!

Then Karabell pokes his finger around in Bush to see if it moves. There’s some life there, but how many people can you put in this schmohawk while Jeremy Guthrie is owned in 32.9% of ESPN leagues? Guthrie has 17 Quality Starts. Haren is tops in all of baseball with 19. Since he pimped out his Bush, ten runs in 19 innings. Sweet! The crux of his argument is that Bush is all right by him, but he should be played home and away by Yost. Yeah, double your trouble — literally.  Moving on before I fall into an idiotic coma.

His next post title was, “Ortiz, Chipper, Liriano, weekend watch.” David Ortiz, his choice for AL MVP (seriously, you can’t make up shizz this stupid), was predicted to absolutely go off as soon as he returned from the DL. 1 HR, 6 RBIs since his return three weeks ago. Okay, that works. Cool. Now if I can figure out how to get Matt Holliday into every other hitting spot on my team, I’ll be all set. Thanks. Then he went on to say Jeff Baker was an absolute add. “(Jeff Baker) is hardly a fluke, and the fact he’s hitting .522 since the break and .400 in the No. 2 spot in the order aren’t things suddenly about to end.” Jeff Baker is in a 3-for-36 slump and has been benched in three of the last six games. Awesome! Maybe I can slot him into my Utility slot when Ortiz isn’t playing.

I’ll leave you with this last piece of Eric Karabell anti-advice, “I would never sit Ryan Sweeney of the A’s, assuming he could stay healthy. He takes walks, hits doubles and steals bases. I’d like to see him get 500 at-bats.” Rather than have you look up his stats, I’ll just give them to you. In 272 at-bats, he is 36/3/36/.294/8. Over 500 at-bats, that makes Randy Winn seem exciting. How do I get into a league with Karabell? I can see it now, “What do you think about Ryan Sweeney for Arod?” “Hater, that sounds like a go picture!”  What an effin’ jackfruit. Until next time… Karabell, go get your shinebox!

Some of you who find this post through Google may be disappointed to know the title does not refer to gay porn or grabbing bats in the non-gay way, but in the vampire way. Sorry, you shouldn’t be trying to grab bats anyway — in the the vampire way. As for the other way, I’ll relay a quick story. I was in the bathroom at the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas and guess who’s peeing next to me, Randy Johnson. I was so pumped (bad choice of words, but this whole story is ill-advised) I immediately blurted out, “Hey, it’s The Big Unit!” And that’s that story. Okay, so circumstances out of my control made it impossible for me to do a Buy/Sell last week. Well, excuuuuuse me. So this week we’re doing a Buy/Sell for fantasy baseball hitters today, then fantasy baseball pitchers tomorrow. This is when you get excited. I can’t hear you. Okay, better. In just about every league, it’s close to your trading deadline, if not past it. So I’m digging in my heels to try and uncover some gems. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball hitters to Buy and Sell:

BUY

Dioner Navarro - Hit two home runs this week. He hit 6 of 8 HRs last year in August and September. If you’ve held him this long, now is not the time to drop him.

Emilio Bonifacio - Last name pronounced: cheep stëlz.

Brandon Moss - A rolling stone gathers no moss… Ordinarily. But what if that rolling stone played fantasy baseball? Don’t think about that too long, it’ll cross your streams. Like Randy and I.

Wladimir Balentien/ Jeff Clement - Neither is worth the virtual paper I’m writing this on, but Vidro’s dumping opens up a DH slot. If you’re in a deep league, react accordingly.

Fernando Tatis - Not sure how many remember this, but Tatis was bonafide back in ‘99, slugging 34 HRs. He dropped a bit in ‘00 but it was due to injuries, then this kid by the name of Pujols stepped in and suddenly I sound like Vin Scully. Tatis has value if he’s healthy and hitting. Right now, both are true.

Bobby Crosby - I hate him more than you. I do. Try me. Fine, if you have to have your way, you hate him more.  He’s still been hot recently. Just know, caveat craptor.

Chipper Jones - I know, he should be a sell, but hear me out. This DL trip threw a monkey wrench into his owners’ plans and they learned to live without him. It also served as a reminder that Chipper can’t be trusted. So his owners have filled in for him and they’re mighty annoyed with him, so they’re zigging. Now what do you do? Zog? That’s not even a word! You zag! Holy heffin’ hey, pay attention!

Victor Martinez - Also, he could easily be on the Sell list, but I’m digging for diamonds in the rough here. He could go .350 with 5 HRs in the final 6 weeks. It’s not quite butter, but it’s not I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter either.

Casey Blake - Casey’s a girl’s name or an Affleck name, but don’t let that stop you. Blake used to be a favorite of mine in ten team mixed leagues. Ask Rudy. If I didn’t have Blalock or Kotchman, I had Blake.I don’t currently have him in any league, but that’s not to say I wouldn’t.

Alex Gordon - What are you listening to right now? “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? Ah, good song. But Gordon’s been hot recently and he hit well late last year. What, you can’t hear me because you’re still listening to “Stop Already With Alex Gordon” by The You? All right, I get it.

SELL

David Ortiz - As the Spanish might say, I got Papi issues. On July 18th, I told you to trade away David Ortiz. One thing has changed since then, his wrist now sounds like a Wu-Tang song.

Josh Willingham - Thought he was rounding the corner into Productive Outfieldville. Maybe he lost his Mapquest printout.

Jeff Keppinger - Not sure what happened to Keppinger after the injury, but he’s not even playing up to his nickname, Blanco Polanco.

Albert Pujols - Chillax, I’m not saying to sell him for three stale, powdered donuts and a Hogan’s Family Season 1 DVD. But let’s be clear, he’s hitting about 35 HRs this year. He’s at 23. He’s not going to get much above 100 RBIs or runs. He’s near 70 for both. The last time he hit more than 10 HRs in a month after the All-Star Break was in 2004, with 12 in August. And he’s an injury risk. Is he the best pure batsman in the major leagues? Perhaps, but he’s not currently near the best fantasy baseball player. I sold Pujols for Sizemore in one league. Since the trade, Sizemore 24/10/24/.289/10 — Pujols 27/7/31/.360/4.  And this is after Pujols hit two HRs in the last two games. Cust kayin’.

Randy Winn - Currently hot. So why sell? Next to the definition of schmohawk is Winn rubbing lotion on his ashy knees. He’s got one HR since June. He’s owned in 85% of ESPN leagues. Though I’m assuming 98% of their leagues are abandoned within the first week of the season. So there’s that.

Milton Bradley - You guys had a good run together. Much more valuable than either of you deserved. So what now? Dump and run? He’s only had more than 377 at-bats once in his career. He’s at 306. You got so much value from him, why are you moaning and shizz? What, you want more? Pick up someone else. You want Bradley? Eh, you’re impossible.

It was just yesterday I wrote up my closer look for August and wouldn’t you know it, Wagner’s gone already. Sent to the DL. Official word puts Wagner with a forearm strain. Not a good sign at all. If the fluid in my knee is half full, I say at least he isn’t going to see Dr. Freeze. Yet. This was overheard at The Lemon Ice King of Corona (which is a stone’s throw from Shea and it’s delicious). “Heard Wagner’s down.” “Fawk ‘em, Jimmy. Fawk that fawkin’ fawk face fawker.” Supposedly Heilman’s next in line. It will be between him, “Not So Dirty” Sanchez, “Why Are You Happy” Feliciano, “Uter Tolberone’s Neighbor’s Name Is” Schoeneweis and their recently called up minor league closer, Eddie Kunz, whose nickname may end up “Just Don’t Suck As Much As The Next Guy.” If Wagner’s back by September, I’d be surprised. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joba Chamberlain - Okay, like the Real World kids at the Improv Olympics, I’m going to, like, free associate. Harrison Ford was put on ice by Jabba the Hut. Then he went on to play Dr. Jones. Now Joba’s off to see Dr. Freeze. Scuba! And… scene!

Adam Jones - Fractured foot. Like Wyclef almost sang, he’ll be gone ’til September. Jones was hitting pretty well too, so this is a tough… wait for it… Here it comes… Eh, now it’s too built up. It’s not that good anyway. Forget it… Aw, I’m just playing. Tough… break! Oofa!

Jody Gerut - I know this is gonna make me sound like a stunod, but I just picked up Gerut in an NL-Only league. In his last seven, 2 HRs and over .300. And, no, you don’t want him in a ten team league. Only for deep-sea fishing.

Jose Vidro - Put out to pasture. If the Expos were still around, I’d put five dollars down that Vidro would be hired as the Expos Spanish Language Announcer for their radio games. Assuming the Expos had a radio deal and that the French-Canadians spoke Spanish.

Livan Hernandez - Rockies claimed him. All I ask is you look at the comments here. Not only am I psychic, but I can predict the future. (Speaking of these charlatans (Word of the Day), if they were psychic, wouldn’t they only go into work when there was going to be customers? Your empty red velour couch gives you away, faker!)

David Ortiz - He’s hearing a click in his wrist. Sell, Mortimer!

Jason Isringhausen - It was good to see Izzy come into a three run game. I mean, anyone should be able to get a save in that situat–Brain Freeze!

Eddie Guardado - Got the save after Wilson came into the game in the eighth and gave up four earned runs. Um… Wilson’s headed to the Disgraceful List. I mean, there’s nothing official, but he’s headed there. Cust kayin’.

Placido Polanco/Jason Kubel - 2 HRs apiece. There’s nothing else to say about either of these two schmohawks.

Fernando Rodney/Joel Zumaya - Leyland officially removes Rodney from the role of closer and inserts Zumaya. *wipes hand, lights cigarette, whistles* Then Rodney throws three innings of no-hit baseball while K’ing 5. Meanwhile, Zumaya gives up 4 runs, three unearned, to blow the save and take the loss. Bad week to quit sniffing glue.

Chris Carpenter - 5 IP, 2 Ks, 0 ER. Solid start, but Ks are low. He gets the Cubs next. That will be when we find out if his fantasy baseball owners have coconuts or marbles.

Shane Victorino - 11th homer yesterday. Rios still has 8.

Mike Hampton - 7 IP, 2 ER and his first win since God knows when. If you think this is a sign to pick him up, get your head examined.

Edinson Volquez - 5 IP, 5 ER. Take out the Liquid Paper cause we’re making corrections.

Alfonso Soriano - HR yesterday. I never have him on any team. Haven’t in a few years. I think I’m drafting Soriano next year. The more injury prone he is, the better. If you would’ve had… *pulls name from hat* Cody Ross while Soriano was down, your overall numbers would look pretty good right now.

Brandon Morrow - GM What’s His Face, “Okay, guys, we’ve made some seemingly intelligent decisions lately so that allows us the chance to slide a stupid move through. Any suggestions?” Yes Man, “Have the cable company charge extra money to watch Ichiro bat!” Yes Man 2, “Bring back Jose Guillen for Fan Appreciation Day.” Yes Man 3, “Curse at the elderly!” GM What’s His Face, “No, I need something just plain dopey.” In the back of the room, the Janitor pipes in, “Make the best reliever a starter.” “Well, it did work for the A’s…. And either way, we’ll still suck. Give that Janitor Sunday nights off!”

Well, Blanton’s seat is still warm and here come the rumors of Gio Gonzalez’s promotion. Figures, a couple more bad starts and some illegal body shop in Oakland would’ve gutted Blanton and pimped out his carcass for a sweet ride. Yo, put some five-star Momos on Blanton’s legs and let’s bling out his grill! (EDITOR’S NOTE: The last guy to give Blanton a rim job was Michael Lewis.) Lest we forget the sad fate of Eric Plunk whose ulnar collateral ligament was repurposed as a remodeled Chevy Impala hood ornament. So what’s the most exciting thing about Gio Gonzalez’s impending callup? You can actually pick him up right now in Yahoo. Weird! So the question boils down to whether or not you should pick him up. Let’s see, he Ks people, he’ll be in a pitcher’s ballpark, he’ll be facing a sad sack division and people aren’t familiar with him. Of course you pick him up! (Why would you make me use an exclamation point?) Only thing, do you expect Volquez and get Cueto? Perhaps. But you keep getting in these relationships because you need the eggs. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Matt Holliday - I don’t know how cheap you can get Holliday, but there’s some news that he might be traded. If the Holliday owner in your league is getting worried, exploit him. Holliday’s in the prime of his career; his value won’t be squashed by a trade.

Eddie Guardado - I know, Everyday Eddie is a total schmohawk, but CJ Wilson is skating on thin ice. (As if there’s any other kind of ice in Texas — oofa! BTW, Austin is one of my favorite cities. Not sure why you needed to know that, but you did. It’s called sharing! If I had said I had tacos there that made my crap my pants, that would be oversharing. There’s a difference.)

Kevin Youkilis - I mentioned Youuuuuuuk in passing in my top 100 for the 2nd half when I said he was my dark horse for AL MVP. He’s still hitting well and, when he collapsed last year, he wasn’t hitting well in June let alone halfway through July.

Damaso Marte/Jonathan Broxton - These guys are the closers until further notice. There’s no reason you shouldn’t treat them as if they are Capps and Saito. If you can get them on the cheap, why not? (Bee tee dubya, next week at this time Corpas might be next to Broxton on that list.)

Jason Bartlett - Will be back next week. If you need steals, you can do a lot worse. I almost dropped Keppinger for him in a deep league, but someone beat me to it. Damn you, Fantasy Phenoms! But I do have Tulo returning, so there!

Carlos Zambrano - Not sure who remembers the ‘pert who I chastised a couple of months ago for trading Johan for Granderson and Ervin. Well, this time I traded with him (BTW, you can almost see his nuts in that picture). You would think from his trade history I would’ve received Arod for Iwamura, but no. I got Big Z for Jermaine Dye and Kevin Kouzmanoff, who I’m actually pretty high on for the 2nd half (not huffing high, but high nevertheless). I need starters in that league (I’ve lost Rich and Shawn Hill, Wainwright and Harang, in that order. Though it could be argued that I lost Harang some time in May.), Kouz was on my bench and Dye was a waiver wire pickup in the beginning of the year who I can hopefully replace with another waiver wire pickup, so the trade was what it was.

SELL

David Ortiz - Homered yesterday in his first minor league rehab game. Time to move him. This move is not without its risk. He could return and perform well for the final two months. Obviously his “well” is better than most players’ “well.” However, it’s going on a year and a half that he’s been banged up, it’s been a while since he’s hit like the slugger that caused a whole nation to buy Big Papi pillowcases from Montpelier to Saugus, the Sox will need Papi in the playoffs so they’ll baby him with days off and after a guy hits a home run on his rehab assignment his stock is at its highest.

Joe Blanton - Usually I’m all over pitchers entering the NL. I can’t get behind picking Blahton up.

Takashi Saito - He’s done. Or not, but you shouldn’t be waiting around for him. Roster space is precious this time of year. Drop him if you don’t have DL room.

Scott Olsen - Walking too many hitters and his upcoming schedule is a minefield.

Kyle Lohse - Doooode. Seriously. I have to explain this?

Hank Blalock - See Lohse or 1/38th of an inch above.

Ryan Zimmerman - I’m just not that into him.

J.J. Putz - You know what time it is, boys and possibly one girl? It’s time to figure out what the future holds by pulling out my voodoo bloody rooster ala Angel Heart. (I almost wrote bloody cock, but you can imagine why I was hesitant to write bloody cock. There’s some things you don’t joke about; a bloody cock is on top of that list because the list is called, The Bloody Cock List of Things You Don’t Joke About. But I digress.) Looking into my bloody rooster I see Putz returning, getting a few saves that aren’t always pretty, he reports pain, the Mariners shut him down because they’ve got the worst record in the league already locked up and see no reason to risk losing their Putz.

What’s the ultimate slumpbuster? Some players and the Urban Dictionary would argue a fat chick. The Braves know the true answer. A weekend in Mississippi. Jeff Franceour went 7-for-13 with 2 RBIs in three minor league games before the Braves decided his mind was messed with enough and they returned him to the majors. Maybe tomorrow they’ll call Francoeur into the front office to tell him his Mom died only to then say, “Psyche!” Francouer hasn’t changed overnight. He’s a hacker who can hit, but with less power than you’d think. Assuming he gets back to form, he should hit a pro-rated 90-100 RBIs before end of the year. But there hasn’t been much in his peripherals that promise that. Worth holding onto or gambling on, but he’s definitely marked down vs. his preseason value. Anyway, here’s what we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Church - May not return this year because of persistent migraines. Perhaps his head would toughen up if Moises Alou peed on it.

Torii Hunter - His 2 HR day puts him on pace for his yawnstipating 20/20 season (22/17 to be exact). But he’s only on pace for 77 RBIs - this has more to do with the anemic Angels offense than double-i, but it’s still pretty pathetic for the AL. Didn’t Sizemore get this many last year from the leadoff spot?

Chris Davis - HR yesterday. Until further notice, I’m only starting him when he’s at home, unless it’s a short schedule day.

Manny Parra - Pitched an inning of relief in the Rockies game yesterday. I mentioned in the forums that I think it was just his throw day. Later, Suppan was put on the DL to make room in the rotation. We’re all good, gang.

Damaso Marte - Notched a save, his second. I see no reason why he can’t get to 15 saves.

Ubaldo Jimenez - Ubaldo was solid last year, if you remove a mediocre September. He looked good in his last start and he was good last night (7 IP, 3 H, 0 ER, 7 Ks). He might go on a two month stretch where he can be very usuable. He gets the Mets this Saturday.

Jack Wilson - The Dodgers “have zeroed in on Jack Wilson to replace Rafael Furcal.” Zeroed has never been more apt a description for a trade target.

Josh Johnson - Scheduled to start against the Dodgers on Thursday. Josh Johnson hasn’t pitched in so long that we’re not sure if he played Casey in Dawson’s Creek. Would Katie Holmes start him? I don’t think so.

David Ortiz - He took batting practice today. Supposedly he’ll be ready just after the All-Star break. I’d say August.

Adam LaRoche - It’s the 2nd half so it’s time for LaRoche to hit. 11 for 21 w/ 2 HR and 9 RBI in the last 7 games. Why don’t the Pirates insist he play winter ball?

Nomar Garciaparra - HR yesterday. Nomar gave Mia the game ball, but that didn’t stop her from making a scene in the parking lot when Nomar told her that he drank half a beer after the game. Not on a school night!

Adrian Beltre - As the Mariners languish in last, Beltre gets predictably hot.

Hiroki Kuroda - Ah-so this is why the Dodgers got him! Actually, he’s been solid all season aside from a few hiccups. Yesterday he pitched a one-hit, shutout.

Vladimir Guerrero - HR against the Rangers. That brings his career numbers against the Rangers to 22 HRs/.408 in 77 games. In related news, the Rangers pitching used to suck/still sucks/will suck.

Jason Varitek - Your backup AL all-star catcher! Between him and Jeter, the AL is packed with baseball IQ, a never say die attitude and you-just-can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.