Fantasy Baseball Advice

Not that there’s anything wrong about being from NJ.  Both Rudy and I are proud to be from NJ, though not in NJ.  NJ ex-pats are great.  We spread our love of high-haired women and capicola around the country.  As for Jay Bruce, he’s sucking on the ol’ suckhole.  You can say that again, but please don’t just say it again cause that’s lame; I really don’t like when people do that. Okay, random italicized voice.  Though I have cut back to three cups of coffee a day, so that’s helped with my patience. Can I continue?  Yup. We’re all on the same page that it’s only two weeks into the season, right?  If Bruce had 12 homers in April and went into a two week slump, you’d care?  Well, probably a little, but c’mon.  It’s insane the amount of people in comments and our fantasy baseball forums ready to jump ship on Bruce.  There’s no projection changes on him.  He’s a hair away from what you’re going to get from Nelson Cruz.  If you can trade a sucker owner seventy cents on the dollar for Bruce, you do that all day and twice on Muesday.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

David Murphy – Probably the number one hitter pick-up this week.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  Murphy is worth a grab in all leagues while Hamilton tries to find someone to blame for his fragile body and awkward headfirst slide.  Isn’t the first step accepting personal responsibility for your own shortcomings?

Sam Fuld – The other shoe is gonna drop any day now and Fuld will go back to hunting wabbits and being unownable.

Johnny Damon – I know, exciting!  Next I’m gonna tell you to eat your vegetables and wear aqua socks in the locker room to avoid Athlete’s foot.  The entire Rays offense started the season a week and a half late, Damon included.  He’s far from a huge upside play, but he should be owned in more than 20% of leagues.

Daniel Murphy – Middle infidel options this week are boring with a dash of yawnstipating.  The Mets seemed to figure out Emaus is sick as in unhealthy, not sick as in sick.

Maicer Izturis – Hey, hey, how ya doing?  Maicer, what goes on, Maicer?  Tomorrow, it’s Saturday, Saturday, it’s a Saturday.  And it’s time for some bleh stats from Maicer.

Jamey Carroll – Um… Let’s see what positive I can say.  He has a hot girl name?  Yeah, I got nothing.  He’s playing.  That’s it.

Jed Lowrie – People seem to love good ol’ Jed.  Well, move to Beverly Hills!  He’s a pretty light hitting MI.  Not much more than Polanco even with everyday ABs.  He is hitting and playing right now though.

Jon Herrera – Won’t continue to be as valuable as he’s been this week, but he does have speed.  SAGNOF!

David Freese – Lost Zimmerman?  Turn your FML into YML (Yay My Life)!  For a limited time only, Freese will adequately fill in with the outside chance of staying productive for the whole year.

Wilson Betemit – He’s an Own While Hitting, which needs a snappier name and it might find its way into the glossary.

Brian Fuentes – How is he owned in less than 40% of ESPN leagues?  Did Andrew Bailey sign up for 60% of ESPN leagues?

Sean Burnett – Riggleman, who is not related to the Jigga man, says Storen will share chances, but Burnett is actually, ya know, getting saves.

Kyle Farnsworth – For those sitting in the back of the room, chewing on gum and passing notes, Farnsworth is the Rays closer.

Matt Thornton/Chris Sale/Sergio Santos – Mergio Thornsale is getting saves for the Pale Hose and they’re runny.

Chris Narveson – Was in last week’s Buy/Sell, is in this week’s, will he wear the Three Wolf Moon shirt and go for the Pat Riley-patented three-peat next week?

Zach Britton – You got your tickets for Wootstock, you eat Jujubes like they’re your acne medicine and Britton has been on your team since he was a junior in high school.  Fair enough.  For those non-mavericks reading along, you can add him, just watch out for certain match-ups.

Wilson Ramos – There was a pop group in Venezuela who translated all of Wilson Phillips’ music into Spanish.  Their name was Wilson Ramos.  A singer in Wilson Ramos was the daughter of the lead singer from the Mamis Y Papis.  That is all completely true.  The Nats have a lot of nothing with “At One Time My Nickname Pudge Was Literal Because of Steroids” Rodriguez.  Ramos has a 12-homer bat.  NL-Only or two catcher leagues take notice.

SELL

Vernon Wells – In my rankings, I said, “I wouldn’t draft Wells with your team.  Ain’t worth the headache.”  Take an aspirin and lose Wells.

Austin Jackson – I call this Sell column, “I told you I didn’t like these guys three months ago, except for Alvarez.”  Jackson doesn’t have the crazy speed like some SAGNOF’ers, isn’t a good average guy despite last year and has little power.  I.e., bleh, blech, belch.

Chone Figgins – I hate to dump him outright, so I’m not suggesting that.  See if you can sell him to anyone for anything.  Well, anything but Jamey Carroll.

Pedro Alvarez – I’m concerned, friends.  He might hit .220 this year.  I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’d see if I could sell him to someone who thinks they’re buying low.  BTW, The other day I fielded a Pedro Alvarez question in person.  So I met a girl who plays fantasy baseball.  Of course, I thought this was terrific.  Then I went out on a date with her and it felt like I was dating Random Razzball Commenter.  “Do you like sushi?”  “Um, yeah, yeah…So when I DL Hamilton, would you pick up David Murphy?”  “Sure, wanna order edamame?”  “That’s fine…”  She looks at her cellphone, “Hey, Ben Francisco’s available too.  And what do I do with Pedro Alvarez?”  I want to thank all of you for ruining what should have been a great date.

I call this, “Highlights of Grey and Rudy Panicking Over a Blown Win for Danks,” which is also a Jewel poem title.  Chris Sale entered in the ninth, recorded no outs, gave up three hits and three runs.  That, sir, is a ‘Fire Sale.’  Then Ozzie brought in Crain, who has a great leg kick.  He’s not the best around… Pitched wild, didn’t look good in general then was lifted so Ozzie could avoid Crain vs. Sweeney, which sounds like a Tim Burton film, and brought in Matt Thornton.  Bringing in a struggling Thornton with the bases loaded in a 4-2 game is like helping someone with impotence problems by filming them have sex.  In the end, Rudy and I lost our Danks win.  Is all that clear?  Yeah, I don’t know either.  I’d hold Thornton and Sale, in that order.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Pierre – 3-for-4 with a run, but would be most valuable in leagues that count brain farts.  He was picked off twice and made his 3rd error of the year.  You’d expect better judgement from someone named after two apostles.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  Now he can reward himself with his epic porn collection.

Jay Bruce – Tweaked his groin.  Hey, sounds like Matsui!  Reds say Bruce should return by the weekend.  Matsui would tell you through a translator that’s prime groin tweaking time.

Jose Valverde – Recorded his 2nd win in two days.  In one of our leagues, we only have one win for the entire team after two weeks.  I must’ve killed puppies in a former life for my Win Karma.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the game, Max reentered Michael Chabon’s latest book about the search for Golem.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3, 5 RBIs and his fourth homer in three games.  Sure, it’ll end but there’s no reason why you can’t be there while it’s happening.

Jorge Posada – Now has 4 homers in the first two weeks.  The same number of homers as A-Rod.  Guys and three girl readers, why do you keep asking me if you should drop him?  If he gets 4 homers a month (24 homers on the year), what else do you want?  Why is it so hard to not pick at your catcher scab?  You’re gonna leave a scar.

David Murphy – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  As I said yesterday, you should pick him up.  Wait, is there an echo in here?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Time for our first installment of Point/Counterpoint.  Rudy says, “He’s #3 risky pitcher of 2011 and is pitching like he’s trying to prove me correct.  He’s now 0-3 with a 9.42 ERA and hasn’t pitched more than 5 innings per start.  On the plus side, he only walked one in this game after walking 8 in his first 9 1/3 IP.”  Grey says, “He had a terrible fourth inning with a bunch of junky singles.  He only threw 78 pitches (53 strikes) into the 6th inning and the last run was given up by Glen Perkins, the pancake king.  I’d roll the dice for his next start vs. the O’s, then reevaluate.”

Denard Span – 4-for-5, 2 Runs.  A leadoff man who gets 4 singles and doesn’t steal a base is in a nutshell why I don’t like Denard Dawg.

Drew Storen – Riggleman said Storen will continue to share save chances with Sean Burnett.  Don’t you need to give Storen save chances before he can share them?

Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer.   Matt Wieters Fact:  The only person that can get Matt Wieters out is himself.

Tim Stauffer – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I had Wood (not like that) and Stauffer going in many leagues yesterday.  Wood looked great, should be owned everywhere.  Stauffer is a borderline fifth starter that I’d continue to roll out there for home games for one reason alone, watching a game at Petco is what I imagine watching baseball in 1968 was like.

Orlando Hudson – 1-for-4, and his 5th steal.  He’s the Padres hitting star.  I.e. the world’s tallest midget.

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, which usually would be nothing but he was only throwing 92 MPH… Which Usually Would Be Nothing, Part II:  The Return of Which Usually Would Be Nothing, that’s nowhere near his top velocity.  Dusty might’ve figured out a way to injure Aroldis while not even throwing him that much.  It’s an (anti-)medical breakthrough!

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks.  To celebrate, his brother, Gosh Johnson, sprayed his co-workers with champagne.  At least, everyone hopes it was champagne.

Logan Morrison – Hit his third homer and is batting .317 on the year.  I don’t know, sounds okay to me.

Vernon Wells – 1-for-5 and now batting .102, which is also the temperature under the collars of his fantasy owners.

Ian Kennedy – 3 IP, 9 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh, ouch.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts, though one was against the M’s in Safeco.  Have to be in an AL-Only league to get excited about him or any Indians starter.  BTW, Carmona ‘n Carrasco sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant.  “Forget your pinatas, hit us!”  That’s their slogan.

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Obviously wasn’t a great start, but the five runs came with two outs in the 1st.  If he gets that third out there, Wandy would’ve been fine.  (And if if’s and but’s were prunes and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers.)

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I hate to move on in only the second week of April, but I’ve had it with Niese and his rock n’ jock aerobics.

Justin Smoak – Hit his first homer.  He’s not in the greatest home park/lineup for production, but at some point his OBP and power are going to make me look brilliant for liking him even if it was a year or two early.  BTW,  the Mariners lineup yesterday — Ichiro, Adam Kennedy, Milton Bradley, Jack Cust, Smoak, Ryan Langerhans, Luis Rodriguez, Brendan Ryan and Chris Gimenez.  That’s murderer’s row.  As in, I’d murder the GM if I were an M’s fan.

In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.  Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward.  That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year.  I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Tyler Colvin – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Boesch.  You’re looking at a guy who should get around 20 homers and a handful of steals, assuming you don’t have Alfonseca hands.  Though I’m legitimately concerned he’s going to hit just .240, have homers in the teens and be unusable.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.265/10

62. Coco Crisp – Seems like Coco is the du jour pick of people who think they’re, like, totally smart.  People look at him and see a guy that gave a cheap, very valuable season last year.  It’s true.  Okay, now think about his ownership last year.  He was always on and off waivers for a reason.  He was 30 years old while having his first productive season in years and he can’t stay healthy.  He’s fine if he’s healthy but you’ll be dropping him at some point.  Mark my words.  Not with a permanent marker though, they’re on your computer.  2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22

63. Ryan Kalish – Kalish is a big time friend of Grey.  He’s got great upside.  I guarantee at some point he will be the hottest add off of waivers.  Just right now, as I write this in January, I have no idea where he’s playing every day.  You wanna grab him in the last few rounds as a flyer?  I’m all for it just to see if he can break camp and start.  Just know, you may be dropping him a few days into the season.  2011 Projections:  65/7/50/.270/25 in 400 ABs

64. Franklin Gutierrez – I think I’m finally ready to admit that I like Gutierrez’s nickname, The Big FraGu, more than I like him in fantasy, but not quite.  He’s a cheap 15/15 guy!  (Which does grow crazy boring over the course of the season.)  2011 Projections:  65/15/70/.260/17

65. Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Neither the hoo!  He’s worth a flyer at a corner infidel spot if you’re desperate.  His average last year was a bit on the unlucky side, he has power and some slight speed.  What I’m basically saying is, he’s a’ight.  2011 Projections:  65/24/80/.270/7

66. Chris Carter – Could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…  My Chris Carter fantasy is there.  I wrote it in pink highlighter while riding on the back of an emu.  I suggest you picture that while reading it.  2011 Projections:  35/22/55/.225/3

67. Brennan Boesch – Is he even a starter?  Not sure, but if he gets hot he might start for a couple of months.  He did show last year that when he’s hitting he can keep it going for a bit.  He’s probably more of a guy to look at in Spring Training to see what his playing time is.  2011 Projections:  60/16/70/.250/7

68. Brad Hawpe – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ordonez.  I call this tier, “If you draft any of these guys in your last outfield slot, you deserve to lose.”  Veteran outfielders are fine to pick up once the season starts and you want to play the hot hand, but to draft one is wasting a pick.  Even if a guy like Hawpe explodes in Petco (which is highly doubtful), you’re not going to hold him when someone is sitting on waivers that is far more enticing the first week of the season.  Really you shouldn’t even be drafting hitters this late.  You should’ve already filled your hitting and be grabbing random closer handcuffs or an SP.  Oh, and I have nothing to say about Hawpe.  2011 Projections:  55/24/70/.260

69. Josh Willingham – It’s the 2nd coming of The Hammer in Oakland, only this Hammer you can touch.  Though you shouldn’t.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.260/4

70. Johnny Damon – If he played 2nd base, he’d have value and be able to reach the base he’s throwing to.  2011 Projections:  85/14/45/.280/10

71. J.D. Drew – He’s in a good place to play, assuming he’s playing and not on the trainer’s table getting his quad rubbed down.  2011 Projections: 60/21/70/.270/3

72. Cody Ross – Probably will hit a few homers some random week of the season and I’ll tell you to grab him while he’s hot.  That will probably last for about two weeks then you’re going to need to drop him again.  2011 Projections:  60/17/70/.260/10

73. Jack Cust – He only has outfield eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  That’s okay, cause you’re not drafting him anyway.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

74. Magglio Ordonez – Soul Glo Magglio of yesteryear is donezo.  Now he’s “Maybe you get 20 homers and a good average while boring the Capris off of you” Magglio or you get “Oft-injured vet that causes people to mock you when you draft him” Magglio.  Neither is very good.  2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.300

75. Luke Scott – I call this tier, “Guys that have outfield eligibility in Yahoo, but you should be playing them at different positions.”  I don’t necessarily dislike all of these guys.  They’re kinda hit or miss.  Or not really hitting and missing, as the case will probably be.  As for Luke “I am not your waiver wire fodder” Scott, it’s cute that you think you’re going to own him all year, but we both know you’re not going to.  If you want to draft him, I won’t stand in your way, but I also won’t stand in your way when you drop him before the season starts.  2011 Projections:  60/22/70/.260

76. Eric Patterson – Patterson’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

77. Bill Hall – I don’t think H-A Double Hockey Sticks got mentioned in the top 20 basemen post but I guess that’s the point.  He’s not that memorable.  All kidding aside– Were we kidding? I did not know. Quiet, Random Italicized Voice.  Bill Hall’s not a terrible crazy late flyer at 2nd base.  Don’t put him in your outfield.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.240/7

78. Ryan Doumit – Doumit’s projections can be found at the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

79. Omar Infante – Infante’s projections can be found at the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

80. Mark Teahen – Member when people were excited by Mark Teahen for a minute a few years ago?  That’s not an Urban Dictionary dot com “minute” either, which is actually a long time.  I have a nickname for Mark Teahen, MT Promises.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/.275/7

After the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s more names than you can throw a stick at, but here’s three worth mentioning:

David Murphy – I like Murph, but you have to platoon him.  Say, grab him with your next to last round pick then Matt Diaz with your last round pick.  You’ll actually end up with decent numbers if you switch them out per matchups but you also might grow bored by April 15th and drop both.  Or have an injury to someone and need to drop one.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.280/12

Matt Joyce – If it wasn’t for Damon and Manny, Joyce could mollywhop homers and save kittens.  Then again, Manny and Damon, or as I like to call them Damanny, will get hurt and Joyce will see some time.  2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4

Brandon Allen – I’d actually rank Allen 63rd on this list, but here he is so I can highlight him.  I like Brandon Allen probably more than I should.  The addition of Nady hurts his value, Juan Miranda hurts his value, Brandon Allen hurts his own value, but I think he finally gets his ABs in the desert.  If they play Parra over Allen, I could have a fit, or phit if you spell like a graffiti artist.  Allen will hit 25 homers with everyday at-bats and, in his last year of Triple-A, he stole 14 bases.  He might hit .230 but it’s absolutely worth the flyer.  I also already went into a seedy motel and soiled it further with my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I.e., Grey hearts Brandon Allen.  2011 Projections:  60/25/80/.245/7

I told you two days ago to own Justin Smoak in his series in Texas.  Three straight games, three homers.  To paraphrase Young MC from We’re All In The Same Gang, “I try my best to set an example, talkin’ up hyped players over hip-hop samples.”  (BTW, the M’s lost yesterday when the catcher went to complete a strikeout by throwing the ball to first for the final out in the ninth but the ball sailed into right field and allowed the runner on first to score.  Ha-HA!)  Now the question is should you own Smoak the rest of the year… Sure, but that’s not the question.  Tricked you!  The question is about next year.  He hasn’t reached his potential yet, but he is only 23-years-old.  Some have compared him to Te(i)x.  He definitely slumped for half a season like him.  I think those ‘some’ were using that as a compliment though.  Next year, Smoak should have the starting job out of spring training and could provide 25 homers with a decent average.  In AL-Only keeper leagues and dynasty leagues, I’d make sure Smoak’s owned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chone Figgins – 4-for-4 as Chode tries to make his season numbers seem a whole lot better than they were.  Never trust a guy that spells Sean ‘Chone.’

David Murphy – Out with a strained groin.  Sounds like an injury that would sideline a porn actress.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5 and hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  With the Rangers playing their B lineup and Hamilton and Murphy hurting, I grabbed Frenchy in a few arrondissements.

Josh Hamilton – Says his rehab went well and, assuming there’s no relapses, he’ll return on Friday.  What, bad choice of words?

P.J. Walters – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He sounds like the star of an 80′s detective show where he solves all the cases in his pajamas.  P.J. Walters:  The Groggy Eye.  On yesterday’s episode, The Groggy Eye nabbed the cat burglar with nothing but his cunning and nightcap.  Afterwards, he put the Pirates to sleep.

Yovani Gallardo – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Now has an ERA of 3.84 and 1.37 WHIP on the year.  In the preseason when I announced I was avoiding YoGa, ironically, for fear of stress, I said, “We had a good run (in 2009), but it went on too long and wasn’t that pretty towards the end.  I could see my avoidance of Gallardo biting me in the ass because he is an extreme strikeout pitcher, which I like, but the innings jump from 2008 to 2009 raises too many questions for me.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I was right and wrong.  Right to avoid him, wrong saying it would bite me in the ass.

John Axford – Recorded his 23rd save yesterday.  Rudy and I were talking yesterday (we talk, ya’ll!) and he mentioned to me how Axford was one of the top free agent grabs this year.  Rudy’s got a point.  8 Wins, 2.53 ERA, 23 Saves, 74 Ks in only 57 IP.  That’s donkeycornlicious.

Javier Vazquez – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  In the preseason, Vazquez was in a group of pitchers I said NOT to draft.  Along with Gallardo, Peavy, Hanson, Scherzer, Shields, Brandon Webb, Jurrjens, Edwin Jackson, Kazmir and Lackey.  You’re welcome.

John Buck – Now has two homers in the last three games and is playing every day.  Nothing fancy, but might be able to help.

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 with his third homer this week.  Seriously, pick him up right now.

Angel Pagan – 4-for-9 with two steals in the doubleheader.  Don’t forget to say thank you to Pagan on Sunday.  He gave you what you were hoping you’d get from Victorino.

Jonathon Niese – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Jonathon (no relation to Dickie Thon) ended the season with a 4.20 ERA and decent Ks.  I could see him being a fifth fantasy starter sleeper next year.

Lucas Duda – Hit his 3rd homer.  Zip-a-dee-Duda, zip-a-dee-ay.  My, oh my, what a Duda day.

Carlos Beltran – Shut down for the year.  Backdate this to May, 2009.

Ryan Raburn – 4-for-8 with a homer in the doubleheader.  I may not need the 2nd base eligibility to get excited about Raburn next year.  He may be one of my upside 5th outfielder picks.

Brooks Conrad – Three-run homer as he yelled, “Prado who?”  Then the choir answered, “Martin Prado.”

Matt Kemp – Wrapped up in a deuce, he hit two homers in two games, which isn’t too late for H2H leagues.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Of course Torre brought Kuo into a save situation in the 8th and gave the save to Belisario.  Of course he did!  Maybe Torre lost track of the inning because he was working on his next tell-all exposing Tommy Lasorda’s penchant for calling tomato sauce ‘gravy.’

Clayton Kershaw – The news confirmed he’s been shut down.  Then the news confirmed the last confirmation was wrong and he’s not being shut down.  Then the news reconfirmed the early confirmation and unconfirmed the latter confirmation.  Paddle through the verbiage and you’ll find Kershaw is getting shut down.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock!

Matt Thornton – Recorded another save.  While Ozzie says Sale is the closer, Thornton’s obviously getting the saves.

Erick Aybar – 1-for-4 with his 21st steal.  He’s hitting .253 with 68 Runs and 29 RBIs, which are soul-crushing numbers.  In the preseason, I said, “I get a utility man vibe from Aybar.  If you draft him, there’s a 95% chance of you dropping him before May.”  I hope you did just that if you drafted him.

Joe Mauer – Will return and DH today.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him sit another day or two in the final four days.

Kila Ka’aihue – Hit his 4th homer in the last week and third in two days.  If you want to read my Ka’aihue fantasy, it’s under that clickie-link thingamabob.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Deserved a better fate than a loss against a Cards team that was featuring Mark Hamilton at first.  Don’t worry, McDonald, January Grey won’t forget you.  January Grey, “That’s more on February Grey.  Oh, and could you wire me some money?  Turns out asking a female if she needs a ride is ‘solicitation.’  Who knew?”

Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name?  “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.”  Okay, try not to choke.  (Quick side note:  My aunt used to date Danny Aiello.  But not Danny Aiello, the actor.  A different Danny Aiello.  It was like McDowell’s vs. McDonald’s.  “They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs.”  I’d tell people, “Yeah, I was at dinner with Danny Aiello.”  My friends would be, “Danny Aiello?!”  “Yeah, Danny Aiello!”  Then my friends would make excuses to come over and be like, “That’s not Danny Aiello!”  And I’d be like, “That’s Danny Aiello!”  Then one day we were at a restaurant and who walks in but the real Danny Aiello.  It was like when Lorraine attempts to escape the house, but encounters her 2015 counterpart and faints.)  So Valencia is hitting over .400 at home, where the Twins are the final week.  Yes, over .400.  He also has 3 homers in the last week.  Here’s hoping he can make the magic last for more than one night or week.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Melvin Mora – This schmohawk is usually Melvin Van Feebles, but he’s hitting well in the last week and there’s no guarantee Mini-Mini Donkey will be inserted right back into the lineup.

Mike Aviles – It must be the end of the season when I’m heavily promoting a guy who’s barely above Crapolanco’s production.

Chris Johnson – As they say at bachelorette parties, this Johnson’s hot.

Wilson Betemit – Geez, how many corner infidels can be hot in the final week?  I’ll answer that right after I dump Sandoval and his Shirley Hemphill-lookalike body.

Chris Carter – This isn’t a buy for this year, but, if you’re in a keeper, I’d take a flier on Carter just to see how things play out this winter.

Danny Espinosa – Blah blah blah Espinosa!  Blah blah blah Buy!  Blah blah blah Dracula!

Randy Wolf – He appeared in the borderline starters post for last week.  Before that, he went out with your Moms and did her wrong.  So I don’t fully trust him, but he’s been lights out.

Edwin Jackson – Really only listed here because he gets 2 starts in the final week and the final one is vs. the Indians and their $24 of trinkets.

Carlos Zambrano – Has been great since returning to the rotation and also gets 2 starts in the final week.  Last start is vs. the Astros.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?

Nick Blackburn – Just went over my Nick Blackburn fantasy.  It’s a fascinating read, I count only three typos.  Or is that, tipe-ohs?  Anyhoo!  Blackburn’s set for two starts next week, but I imagine the 2nd start will be shortened or skipped since the ‘offs.

Tim Stauffer – This is Grey, the Not-Really-Greek’s Double Yahtzee pick of the week!  Two starts, one at home, one in San Fran.

Alex Sanabia – I actually picked him up in one league for his two starts, but I’m not excited about it.  How’s that for selling a Buy?!

Carlos Carrasco – And last of the two start pitchers for next week that have a legit chance of appearing on any of my teams.  And, yes, Carrasco sounds like a luchador.

David Murphy – If you haven’t picked up Murphy yet, you’re probably not paying attention anyway.  It’s a shame, you could’ve been a contender.

Michael Morse – Something tells me he won’t be hot by next Tuesday, but there’s only, like, ten more days of season left, so what the eff in the coolie hole.

Will Venable – I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Venable is the 2nd fastest guy in the majors after Crawford, according to Bill James’ Speed Score.  Tied with Brett Gardner and ahead of Michael Bourn, Reyes, Stubbs, Victorino…  Don’t just stare, say something!  Okay, maybe I’m the only one that finds that interesting.

Jarrod Dyson – He’s fast.  That’s all I got.  I’m not sure he’ll play and he’ll never hit for power.  He’s like a non-French Juan Pierre.

Clay Hensley – SAGNOF!

Chris Sale – See Hensley, Clay.  Or 1/8th of an inch above.

Craig Breslow – Michael Wuertz’ thumb is huertz and Ziegler throws like a girl.

Phil Coke – In a blind taste test, 4 out of 5 SAGNOF’ers choose Ryan Pepsi, but Coke is it.

Juan Gutierrez – I like Kirk Gibson.  He was a fist pumping fool before Vinny.  Though I think making Gutierrez the closer was reason enough for him to never manage another game, let alone get signed on for next year, but mine is not to reason why.

SELL

Ted Lilly – I’m actually a fan of Lilly, but he has two starts left and his next start is in Coors.  Blech.

Andrew Bailey – See Jose Valverde.

Jose Valverde – See Andrew Bailey.

Joe Mauer – Unless your league counts the playoffs, you need someone else.

Zack Greinke – Kinda depends on your shituation but I dropped Greinke in the one league I have him for a two start pitcher.  And it felt great!  Sayonora, schmohawk!

Any Pitcher That Has Pitched His Last Start – Maximize your lineup spots with middle relievers for vulture wins or other starters.  It’s that time, friends.  Good luck!