First clue I’m human, when I overheard an old woman tell someone she showers while sitting on a stool, I shivered. Second clue, I used to wear Z. Cavariccis. First clue Justin Verlander is human was last night. He had the worst outing of his career with 2 2/3 IP and 8 ER. Verlander looked like Kate Upton, if Kate had Rosie O’Donnell’s head. Sorry, that’s a visual you won’t get out of your head for a long time. It’s like two girls, one shower stool. Can’t you just take a bath? Please tell me this isn’t old age…. Speaking of which (watch how I tie this loosely into fantasy baseball), Verlander is thirty years old and… Still lights out. This was one bad start, don’t panic. C’mere, let me massage your shoulders and… I just pick-pocketed you! You gotta be careful with that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Ike Davis again, cause he sucks. With all that mother loving out of the way, yesterday was about the worst offensive day I’ve seen during a full schedule day for rosterable fantasy hitters. I mean, there were a ton of Brayan Pena’s and Donald Lutz’s doing work, but not a whole lot from guys actually owned. Though, it would be awesome if someone got caught corking their pink bat. Corking a pink bat is like A-Rod growing a mustache. Then the nadir of that offensive dearth (pinnacle of pitching success?) was Chris Sale. He tossed a shutout, one-hitter with 7 Ks vs. the Anathema Angels. Still don’t trust him to stay healthy all season, but it looks pretty likely that he’s going to be pitching well until his arm falls off. Then, if his arm doesn’t fall off perchance, he’s going to be a number one pitcher. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress, and after dealing a crushing blow Thursday night in a frustrating (ie stupid) brawl-induced injury, taking Zack Greinke from us, the gods have claimed their next victim, another newly acquired player and top fantasy shortstop, Jose Reyes.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Seriously, it’s week one and you already need my help? Really? Your draft go that poorly that you’re looking for a hitter to stream during the very first week of the season? Well, who am I to complain if I’m getting a readership right off the bat, I guess. But next year, why don’t you contact me a little sooner. We can do lunch together. Heck, I might even spring for the check. We might even eat at one of those fancy places that puts a lemon in the water glass where all the waiters remember the daily specials and make you stare up their nose when you talk to them. We can bring in a fake fly and put it in the soup to get them in trouble with their manager and watch some snooty on snooty action which isn’t as much fun but much more sanitary than Snooki on Snooki action. Wait, where was I? Oh right, it’s week 1 and you’re already struggling to compete. I’m no soothsayer but I foresee a tough road ahead for you. But in any event, that’s why I’m here, to guide you to weekly fantasy glory. I’m going to start this crazy little thing off with a hitter who really likes Homeschooling in David Murphy and how he can help you out for week 1 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
You, “Hey, look at that, I’m in a crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league and everyone in this league that I’m talking to myself about is well-versed in this fantasy baseball shizz because they are also in this crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league yet they forgot to draft Matt Holliday. Cool!” Yeah, that’s not going to happen. If you’re drafting from guys in the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball, your league is deep and you know you’re not going to get much from these guys. Potatoes to chips, most of these guys will be worth owning at some point in the season. In keepers and single league, uh, leagues, most should be owned from the jump, if ‘from the jump’ means what I think it does when kids say it. Now get off my lawn! Here’s all of the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. If you’re joining us late, here’s the top 20 outfielders, top 40 outfielders, top 60 outfielders and top 80 outfielders. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
For our last Buy/Sell of the season, I’m reminded of all that the past Buys have given this year. I got introspective, y’all. I thought about how a 2-for-4 on Monday put a Buy on my radar, then by Thursday he was either back to waivers or 10 for his last 14 and I wanted him on all my teams.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Felix Doubront went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks and rose The Walking Dead in Boston. I wonder if Stephen King helped recruit Doubront for the Red Sox. I wonder if there’s going to be a Red Sox team next year or if they’ll just merge with their Pawtucket minor league team.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Poor Tyler Clippard. It seems everyone wants Drew Storen to be the closer in Washington, Clip is merely a place filler who’s done so well in Storen’s absence (3.22 ERA, 32 SVs) that they didn’t have the heart to take it from him.Please, blog, may I have some more?
This weekend, my Cougar’s dog had diarrhea all over my foot. So, I wrote a list of Don’ts and taped it to his bed. 1. Do not poop my foot. 2. Do not ever poop my foot. Seriously. 3. There’s no three.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you see the game Brett Anderson threw the other day? Neither did I. Was watching MasterChef. C’mon, is she really blind? I could see a service dog, pulling to the side of the road and being like, “Listen, sweetheart, how about we stop the charade and let me go hump some other dogs?” There’s no way she’s blind!Please, blog, may I have some more?