Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.”  At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic.  They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases.  Hit 20 homers.  Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much.  Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again.  Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.”  If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5.  Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average.  I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Psych!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell you about this exciting offer our fantasy basketball side of things has going on.  They’re doing commenter leagues and they’re free!  So if you like your athletes seven-plus feet taller than Dustin Pedroia, you go there.  Anyway II, here’s some offseason moves so far:

Ryan Doumit – Heads to Twins.  Recently overheard in the Twins front office, “Morneau and Mauer are sick of having only each other to talk to while on the Disabled List.  We need some injury-prone player to sit between them.”  Doumit fills that slot.  He can also play 1st base, catcher and, for once it doesn’t matter that his last name is German for “Without a Mitt,” as he can see time at DH.  If Doumit can stay healthy, he could be a top ten catcher.  That “if” has its own branch of government that just passed a law that says Doumit can never stay healthy.

Joe Nathan – Signed a two-year deal with the Rangers to be their closer.  For real baseball, I think this is a terrible deal for the Rangers.  Nathan’s 37 years old and, while his K-rate wasn’t bad, he never looked lights-out, except for a stretch through July.  Now you’re throwing him in the heat of Arlington where home runs fly.  Last year his home ERA was 3.04 and his away ERA was 7.50.  I think the Rangers are going to regret this decision.  This is me telling the Rangers that.  For fantasy, his name will make him cost a bit more than I’d want to spend on a closer.  He probably will drift between a Donkeycorn and Brain Freeze for the better part of the year.

Neftali Feliz – Gets his wish, and will finally start for the Rangers.  He’ll begin to transition into a closer that throws six innings a game in the Dominican Winter League, which will give him a leg up on tiring out around August.  His K-rate last year was a huge shambles or Suge Hambles if you roll with rap impresarios who are into spoonerisms.  I’m not sure how a closer could even have a K-rate of 7.80 with Feliz’s stuff.  I’m not just saying that to sound stupid, though it probably doesn’t hurt.  His fastball, curve and change were all the same velocity as previous years.  He added in a slider, but adding that shouldn’t have killed his shizz.  Hitters were just making good contact, or, at least, better contact and not getting as fooled.  His walks also went through the roof.  I mean, 30 walks and 54 Ks in 62 1/3 innings is terrible.  Who are you, Kevin Gregg?  But as we know from Dempster and C.J. Wilson’s transition to being a starter, Feliz is probably going to have the best year of his young career.  I’ll be on the outside looking in though, feels like too much risk to me.  Could see him giving a line of 10-6/3.55/1.20/95 in 120 innings.

Wade LeBlanc – Traded to the Marlins for John Baker.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, John Baker and Wade LeBlanc were the first two players ever traded that also sound like they were in the Backstreet Boys.  Yeah, they didn’t say that.  Like when his friends left Central Perk, LeBlanc just lost all of his value.

Jonathan Broxton – Signed on with the Royals to be their set-up man.  I have the perfect nickname for him now that he’s in Kansas City, the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.  Oh, please, like you’ve never noticed how Broxton has the back porch of a rap video hoochie mama.  This signing sends Aaron Crow into the rotation.  The good news is you’re not the Royals and don’t have to put Aaron Crow in your fantasy rotation.  Yay, small miracles.

Chris Iannetta – Headed to the Angels.  I guess Scioscia felt like he needed to upgrade Jeff Mathis’s backup.  I’m only half joking.  The Angels are supposed to non-tender Mathis, but I wouldn’t put anything past the Sciosciapath.  Also, Hank Conger’s in the wings, i.e., Iannetta won’t get 350 ABs.  Though he never has.

Ramon Hernandez – Going to the Rockies to replace the recently damned Iannetta.  Hernandez will do exactly what he’s done for the last five years.  For those who need a sneaky, solid catcher in 2 catcher leagues, you can do worse.  (Better too, but let’s not quibble.)

Clint Barmes – Signed with the Pirates.  I have nothing to say about this, except Barmes’s deal for $10.5 million was the Pirates first contract for over $10 million since Steve Buechele’s in the 1991-1992 offseason.  The Pirates are committed to winning now!  Black and yellow!

David DeJesus – Will bring his special brand of pretty unexciting baseball from a fantasy perspective to the Chicago Cubs.  He’ll play right field, unless the Cubs can move Alfonso Soriano for five cents on the dollar.  In related news, Alfonso Soriano wants to know who listed him on eBay.  The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.

Alberto Callaspo was traded to the Angels.  Exactly what the Angels needed, a light hitting infielder.  Oh, wait, no they don’t.  Why’d they get Callaspo?  To get Mel Gibson to be interested in the team?  Oh, wait, that was Apocalypto.  Anyone see that movie?  I like the part where Mel’s like, “I will slap the taste out of your mouth, Pocohontas!  So help me, I will rip your neck off!  Even if I have to go through a number of metal rings.”  Callaspo will help the Angels more than he’ll help fantasy teams.  He is what he is.  Light power, decent average, next-to-no speed.  The Royals will go with Wilson Betemit at third base.  Why are they not going with Mike Moustakas or Alex Gordon?  Because for whatever reason the Royals are punishing them.  If you can figure out the peasant Royals, you get a cookie.  I actually like Betemit if he’s the everyday 3rd baseman.  He has 4 homers and a .377 average in 61 ABs this year.  As for “Of Maicer Men,” I think Callaspo is more Lennie than George.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David DeJesus – Slammed into the outfield wall when DeJesus was turning a Jeter out into a homer.  He’s listed as day-to-day, which is trade deadline code for “Please still trade us someone for DeJesus, he’s really, really healthy.”  In reality, he’ll probably be out for a while.  So, while Betemit might replace Callaspo, here’s a chance for Gordon to see some daylight.  We’ll see now how much sense the Royals make.

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie announced that he wants Jenks in the closer role, but he might turn to Thornton, Putz or Santos.  Ozzie tweeted, “Fat puta eff up Top Chef Night. #GoAngelo!”  (Speaking of Top Chef, shouldn’t they just call Kenny “Chef?”)  If you have some inner knowledge on how Ozzie makes his decisions, feel free to share.  I don’t think even Ozzie knows which way he’s going to turn next.  My best guess is giving Jenks a few days rest then going back to him.  In the meantime, I’d grab Putz, Thornton and Santos, in that order.  (FWIW, Rudy thinks Thornton’s next in line.)  Who I feel bad for is Bobby Jenks.  Ozzie’s making his beard go prematurely gray.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 and now batting .227.  When he first returned, I warned you that his name value is more valuable than his actual value.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks and has only given up one earned run in his last 22 2/3 innings.  Has a 3.40 ERA on the year with nearly a K per inning, i.e. 120 Ks in 127 innings. Good to see Hole Camels dig himself out after leaving April with a plus-5 ERA.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m going to try a new tactic.  Hudson will never regress.  He will continue to not strikeout anyone while rocking a sub-2.50 ERA.  In fact, he will win the Cy Young– Nay, they will rename it the Tim Hudson Award and he will win it every year.  Even after he retires.

Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5 with a .370 average on the Braves but no homers.  Wait, did Yunel and Gonzalez just switch unis?  Aw, man, that’s the oldest trick in the book.

Edinson Volquez – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Well, that 2nd start back could’ve went better.  After dominating the Rockies in his return from TJ surgery, seemed like a no-brainer to start him vs. the Nats.  I’m sure a lot of people are smarting from Volquez’s shellacking.  He’s too good of a pitcher to just drop again.  If you can’t afford the warts, I’d let him sit on your bench for the next start.  Another bad start from your bench, then you’ll need to make other plans.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Keep in mind that he had a great 2nd half last year.

Scott Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he picked up right where he left off.  He gets a blurb in this afternoon’s lukewarm section of the Buy/Sell.  Stay tuned for tepidness!

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  As he’s been all year, Gallardo was solid again in his return from the DL.  His 127 Ks in 117 2/3 innings is a thing of beauty.  As I said in the preseason, “I bet I’ll be annoyed I don’t own him anywhere.”  Now I’m annoyed I didn’t put any money down on that bet.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Yup.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  This start is a good example why you shouldn’t drop Volquez.  What, you already did?  Oh, well.

Ian Stewart – 4th homer in his last ten games.  May not have been the crazy breakout I was hoping for in the preseason, but, at 2nd base, 13 homers and 5 steals with good Runs and RBIs isn’t really that bad.  Not to mention, he could still get very hot.  In like a lamb, out like a Mini-Mini Donkey.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  I’m preparing you now.  2011 is going to be the year of Delmon Young.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This is but a theory.  Last offseason, Pavano studied a controversial branch of biomechanical engineering and built a brainwashing machine out of a regular old washing machine.  The brainwashing machine shot out gamma rays, while it cleaned Pavano’s shorts, and brainwashed the entire world into thinking Pavano is actually pitching when in fact it’s Slowey.  Then when Pavano actually pitches, everyone thinks it’s Slowey.  Merely a theory.  I could be wrong.

Kevin Youkilis – This has nothing to do with fantasy (like my crazy person rant on Pavano did), but you enjoy this site now.  You’re welcome.

Andres Torres – Hit his 9th homer yesterday to go along with his 17 steals.  There might be some 8 team leagues where he’s not necessary, but he really should be owned everywhere.

Ryan Doumit – The oft-injured catcher finally lived up to the ‘oft’ and heads to the DL with a concussion.  Doumit has a history of concussions (in some circles that’s considered clumsy) so Doumit may be shelved for a while.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his tenth stolen base.  You know why it’s fitting Jose Tabata got traded to Pittsburgh?  He was already a fan of the Stealers.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Got the save yesterday since Broxton has been overused, even if that never stopped Torre before.  Actually, nothing’s ever stopped Torre except a good opportunity to pick his nose on national TV.  Though there’s no official changing of the guard in LA, I would grab Kuo if you have room just in case Broxton continues to be shaky.

Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He goes through stretches where he’s tough to own, but his career ERA is under 4 and he’s at 3.48 now.  Doesn’t hurt you on WHIP or Ks either.  Always one of the more underrated starters.

Josh Johnson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, now has a 1.61 ERA on the year.  Ubaldo who?

Chris Coghlan – 1-for-3 with a steal.  First Coghlan is ice cold, then hot, then ice cold again.  If Coghlan’s Law holds up, he’ll be cruising for another hot streak in no time.  Then banging Gina Gershon and Kelly Lynch at the same time.

Last summer, something felt wrong for Edinson Volquez.  He said it was his arm.  Dusty gave him two after-dinner mints and said they were “reconstructive surgery,” then threw him for 160 pitches.  Unfortunately, the mints didn’t take.  Dusty blamed Edinson’s inability to believe.  Neverthehoo!  (I’m trying to get neverthehoo to stick, go with it.)  Edinson went for Tommy John surgery, or as they call it in the Tommy John household, “my surgery.”  Usual recovery time is longer than his current 11 month timetable, but all signs point to him returning in the next few weeks.   I’d grab him in every league.  Yes, even yours.  His sell value is already starting to climb.  If he returns with a gem, his value will go through the roof.  So even if you don’t need a starter, someone in your league will.  Coming back, I expect Volquez will give a great K-rate and not a terrific WHIP.  Think 75 innings, 4.00 ERA, 1.32 WHIP and 85 Ks.  My name is Edinson Volquez and I approve of this message.  Hey, Dusty, can I have another mint? No!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Erik Bedard – Bedard’s history of injury is so well-documented that even if he returns and throws aces, he can still drop an injury deuce at any moment.

Jorge de la Rosa – dlR, Edinson, Bedard, Beckett… In that order I’d pick them up.  Not to repeat, but to explain.  Beckett’s in the AL East and can’t get his shizz together, saying he might not be back until the end of July.  Bedard’s terrific when healthy.  That ‘when’ needs to be airlifted out of bed.  Edinson’s progressing well, but this was serious surgery.  dlR’s progressing well from a less serious injury.  However, I do think Edinson and dlR are pretty much a toss-up.  Volquez will have more trade value if good news continues to come out.  Any questions?  What about Jar-Jar? Why I oughta!

Madison Bumgarner – Just went over my Bumgarner fantasy.  He has to be up soon.  He just has to be.  That’s me putting what I want out in the cosmos.  Thanks, The Secret!

Tommy Hunter – This is Tommy Hunter after he learned you wanted to pick him up.  Or is that Billy Butler?  It’s hard for me to recommend him highly because I wouldn’t pick him up outside of H2H or AL-Only leagues, but he’s pitching well and he gets the Astros next.  Yes, please.

Gavin Floyd – It took two stank months, but this is the Floyd I pictured when I targeted him in drafts.  In his last four starts, 29 innings, 3 earned runs.  Float on, Gavin!

Brandon League – If Aardsma gets moved, League will be gone from your waivers quicker than you can say, “The Mariners were contenders in March.”

Sam Demel – Heilman is the first pickup, Qualls is the second pickup and the Diamondbacks are a cellar-dwelling team.  So deep SAGNOF, but SAGNOF neverthehoo!

Jarret Hoffpauir – Doesn’t he sound like a total douche?  When you and your girl were on a break, who did she sleep with? Jarret Hoffpauir!  That douche!  He dotted her eyes!  Hoffpauir’s playing every day (for now) and has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN and about to get 3rd base in Yahoo.  Hoffpauir’s a pretty stale prospect, having festered in the minors for a bit too long, but he has solid plate discipline (9 homers and only 15 Ks in 259 ABs at Triple-A).  Because of his eligibility, I’d take a chance on him in deep leagues.

Dayan Vicedo – Until Ozzie tweets Vicedo into his everyday lineup, I’m not as excited about him.  In deep enough leagues, you do what you do.

Chris Johnson – To run through these guys like I did with the injured starters; I’d grab them Hoffpauir, Vicedo and Johnson, in that order.  Hoffpauir’s playing for the 1927 Blue Jays and playing every day, according to Gaston.  Viciedo is not playing every day, but has decent upside.  Chris Johnson plays for the Astros.  Belch.

Justin Smoak – I sorta gave up on Smoak’s BABIP ever turning itself around… Actually, at first base, I couldn’t afford to wait in a league or two, but it seems like he did finally turn it around.

Gaby Sanchez – He’s having a much better season than Lance Berkman.  Yo Gaby Gaby!

Brennan Boesch – On June 23rd, ESPN told you to grab Boesch.  On May 21st, I told you to grab him.  You’re welcome.

Tyler Colvin – Mentioned him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  And here he is again.  You’d think Steve Stone were writing these.

David DeJesus – DeJesus could be the definition of yawnstipating if Polanco didn’t own that distinction.  You, son, are too yawnstipating to even be the definition of yawnstipating!  Day-um! BTW, A man in Wichita, Kansas asked for Selig to visit his hometown and confirm the likeness of DeJesus on a piece of toast.

SELL

A.J. Burnett – He got a red card and was benched indefinitely in the league where I have him (look at me forcing in soccer and not making any sense!), but I’m in a deep league.  Most of youse can flat-out drop him.  Sure, his xFIP is a full run lower than his ERA, but it’s still hovering around 5 and his Ks are way too far down.  I’d let Burnett wiggle his nose on someone else’s team.

Buster Posey – Well, you had about a week to sell him for value like I suggested.  Now I don’t think you get anything for him in one year leagues.  Nine out of ten fantasy baseball ‘perts agree, rookie value is less than their hype.

Billy Butler – Garrett Jones has been better than Butler, according to the ESPN Player Rater.  So has Swisher, Glaus, Loney, Huff, Prado and Konerko.  I hate to be a, uh, hater, but Mr. Grapefruit is way overvalued.  For some reason, people are indifferent with the Royals as a whole, but love their prospects.  You know what Butler is?  A good average, 20 homer hitter.  Loney looks at that and says, “Yeah, so?”  You look at Butler and you think well-rounded, but for fantasy he is not.  He gets few Runs and RBIs due to his team and he has Warning Track Fly power.  Otherwise known as WTF!  (Disregard the preceding if you play in a league with a Moob category.)

I’m going to put the caveats up front.  Caveat #1) When I was younger, I played doctor on occasion, but I never went to med school.  Caveat #2) Trading for or grabbing injured pitchers off waivers is risky.  You get one setback and you could lose the pitcher for another month or two.  Then bam! you’re in September and shouting Emeril catchphrases.  Caveat #3)  The comparison I’m about to make may hold no weight whatsoever.  Caveat #4)  There’s no caveat #4, there never is.  Like an overworked truck driver, Jorge de la Rosa had a strain of his middle finger.  This injury is similar (this is the comparison that may be wonky) to Adam Wainwright’s middle finger strain in 2008.  When Wainwright returned, he had 6 of 7 solid starts.  Now if dlR uses his middle finger more than Wainwright or if his injury was more severe than Wainwright’s this may mean nothing.  My common sense says, “The injury is not an arm injury.  It’s your bugger off finger.”  I think Rosa can return with value, but there’s also risk attached.  So you have to weigh your pros and cons.  A big pro is the plus-sized girl at The Chicken Ranch.  Another big pro is that dlR strikes out a batter per inning.  Mmm… Strikeouts.  Anyway, here’s some more players I’d buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Pedro Alvarez – Sure, he doesn’t have a 45-year-old wife with kids that he doesn’t recognize like Jose Tabata or a cool nickname like The Dread Pirate (though I may try and push The Smashbuckler like that Mean Girl tried to push fetch), but Alvarez does have a good bat and upside.  Who else are you rocking at your corner infidel spot?  Headley?  Yeah, he’s disappointing at best and playing his home games at Petco at worst.

Dayan Viciedo – Just went over my Viciedo fantasy.  Thank me later.

Delmon Young – Four long years ago, Delmon was the hottest prospect in all of baseball and flinging bats at umpires.  Well, he’s still only 24 and now wearing Stickum.  I wouldn’t expect much more than 20 homers and 10 steals, which sounds like what Pacman Jones should give you, but Delmon has that ever elusive upside.  Wait, Jones has that too.  Hmm…

Tyler Colvin – Steve Stone Piniella decided to give Colvin a chance and so should fantasy owners for pop.  Not cola.

Travis Hafner – This is not implying that I think you should trade for Hafner.  No, this is simply if you see him on waivers, I’d grab him (with one hand supporting the back of his big melon head).

Aubrey Huff – Hey, it’s Pat the Bat’s fingercuff partner.  Huff has always been better in the 2nd half and now he’s hitting in the 1st half.  You do the math!

David DeJesus – Member that guy you picked up about a month ago because he was hitting?  Let’s call him Fred Lewis.  Yeah, that’s DeJesus.  Or DeJewis.

Mike Napoli – Why are people dropping him?  You need to chillax.  He’s playing 1st base as Mathis starts behind the plate.

Bronson Arroyo – Member how his post-All-Star Break ERA last year (2.24 ERA) fooled people into drafting him in March?  Ah, we did have a laugh at them, huh?  Me and you.  You don’t remember, do you?   Oh, well.  It’s close enough to the All-Star Break that you can now grab him.

Jon Niese – He’s really not that exciting but I’m ready to take a long pull from the Niese pipe (maybe could’ve reworded that).  Right now, Metco is ranked dead last in offense.  No reason why you can’t exploit that.

Clayton Richard – Has an ERA of 2.71, 1.28 WHIP and home games in Petco.  Imagine my surprise when I saw he’s only owned in 48% of ESPN leagues.  Imagine my further surprise when I started a sentence with “Imagine my surprise.”  Sounds like I’m writing in to Dear Abby.  Imagine my surprise when they showed up at my door three hours after the housewarming started!  Empty-handed!  Some people!

Dan Hudson – Stephen just went over him in the Dan Hudson for fantasy thingamawhosie.  With Peavy’s injury, we could see him in the landmark case, Sooner vs. Later.

Jason Hammel – Went over him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  But you knew that.

Aaron Heilman – Heilman’s really not as safe as he may seem, but for right now SAGNOF!

Brandon Lyon – Don’t think Lindstrom just flat-out loses the job without a few major breakdowns (which could happen), but he has complained about a sore back a few times recently.  Lindstrom sneezes and Lyon becomes the closer in Houston.  It’s the very lazy butterfly effect.

SELL

Austin Jackson – I told you to sell Jackson back in April because that’s when his value was at its highest.  If you wait until a guy actually stops hitting, then you’re not going to be able to sell them for anything.  You’re gonna just drop him.  And that’s about all you can do with Jackson now.

Carl Crawford – Let’s look at two lines.  50/6/36/.297/23 and 44/3/22/.317/22.  That’s Crawford  and Gardner, respectively.  I could’ve also posted Podsednik or Rajai or insert SAGNOF’er.  The steals are great and I don’t think Crawford necessarily falls apart.  I think he stays on the same pace he has been his whole career, which happens to have him stealing less bases in August and September than any other months.  So if you can get cheap steals and move Crawford for a big piece, I would.  Say Crawford for Ryan Howard then grab steals off waivers?  I’d do that.  Don’t trade Crawford for a free consultation at the Don Mossi Beautification Center.

Chase Headley – I’m moving on in the leagues where I own him.  Petco is where sleeper dreams go to die.  How’s that for a turn of a phrase?  Huh?  Okay, moving on…

Andy Pettitte – I wonder if you can convince the Yankee fan in your league that Pettitte’s year is for real because it’s not.  That reminds me of a run-in I had with Buddy Hackett about fifteen years ago.  I dropped heaps of admiration and he said, “Is that a diamond in your nose?  Oh no, it’s not.”  I stared.  Buddy, “No, it’s not!”  Blank stare.  “It’s snot!”  Turned out I had to wipe my nose.

Ozzie Guillen said Jake Peavy “has some things with his arm.”  You know how know-it-alls put (sic) to indicate the quote’s error is not the transcriber’s error?  They should adopt this for major league managers.  “Has some things with his arm (Ozzie).” “Mathis just knows how to play the game BETTER! (Scioscia)”  “That’s not old school, that’s good school.  That’s the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on. (Manuel)”  So Peavy has some things with his arm.  Yeah, that’s not a good sign.  That’s like my friend who was trying to sell me a car.  “It just hasn’t been started in over a year.”  I put Peavy in the “Avoid” tier in the preseason because he’s been too injured the last few seasons.  What’s he now?  Injured.  Thank you, your Honor.  I rest my case.  I’d look to sell Peavy.  Unfortunately, no one’s buying him.  Right now, the Sox are only talking about moving his next start, but it’s not a good sign either way.  Or eithurrrr if Mystikal’s reading to you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Resop – Off to the DL.  The Disgraceful List is when a player’s DL’d for sucking.  But what’s it called when the player forces a team to promote them due to a contract issue and then is DL’d because the club just doesn’t want the player?  Disagreement List?  Disaccord List?  Dis Team Has No Room For You List?

Shelley Duncan – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Unfortunate for anyone who had to high five him afterwards.

Tommy Hunter – Left the game with some hip flexor discomfort.  Pretty sneaky of Coghlan to step up to the plate with “The Twist” playing.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, now batting .285 to Andrus’ .288.  Give him the green light!

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3 as he played shortstop for Izturis, who went to the DL with a strained forearm.  If Wood hits and if he gets shortstop eligibility and one more if you’ll have a full house.  If’s over and’s.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like Niese has put his feud with Heather B completely behind him.  He’s pitching well and he has home games in Metco yadda³, I’d grab him.

Fred Lewis – 4-for-5 with his 5th steal as Jose Bautista sat.  The Bautista who is hitting .194 with 5 homers since I said you should sell him a month ago.  In April, Bautista had 4 homers.  In May, he hit 12 homers.  In June, he has 2 homers.  You tell me which month looks off.  Oh, and sorry to Fred Lewis for hogging his blurb with Bautista info.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I don’t want to lose people with K/9 or anything so here… Romero has 96 Ks in 96 1/3 innings.  Thing.  Of.  Beauty.  Yes, I brought out the douchey one word sentences for emphasis.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer.  BUCK!

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks.  A Baker’s dozen!  Wait, that’s not right.  Eh, whatever.  Baker just about reached the point where I was going to tell people to lose him everywhere so he really needed this start.  I don’t think he’s completely out of the woods, but he’s in a better place than he was after his last start.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3, hitting .311 with 2 homers on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  First time in a while his line looks like he should have got the Win and what happens?  Gets the loss for the first time since May 8th.  It’s the chutzpah of Wins.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs, his 9th homer as he bats .344 on the year.  Who’s been more valuable, Boesch or Holliday?  Yup.

Don Kelly – 0-for-4, ye of a .217 average and .276 OBP hit leadoff.  Your internal monologue, “Why, Grey, I do not understand?”  Because Kelly played center and Leyland only has one lineup card.

Jose Tabata – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  I’m fingercuffed to him and it feels so good.  Then not good.  Then good again.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save.  Guess his back is, um, back.  Lyon hasn’t been bad so I’m holding him for now where I have room.

David DeJesus – 10 for his last 13.  For DeJesus’ next trick, he’s going to walk on water.  The downside is there isn’t much upside.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  About three weeks ago, I was saying he was going to fall back to earth then for the last two weeks after that I’ve been reminding you that I was saying Leake was going to fall back to earth three weeks ago.  I don’t think he’s all the way back to earth yet either.

Manny Ramirez – 3rd homer in his last seven games and 2nd homer in last two games.  After the homer, he got back in the dugout and Casey Blake iced him.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, but only 1 walk.  Look at Kershaw only walking three hitters in his last two starts.  Oh, and he has 97 Ks in 85 IP.  Nasty.

Livan Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  What did this fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH do with the other fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH?

Aubrey Huff – 3-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last six games.  Keeps going like this and he may get a “Huffing Along” post title.

Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Was hit by a comebacker and removed from the game.  Lincecum should be fine for his next start.  In a weird voodoo doll-type way, when Lincecum was hit, k.d. lang said, “Ouch.”

Pablo Sandoval – Giants trainer said Sandoval needs to be more disciplined about his eating habits.  Earth to ESPN, this is a reality show!  Watch Kung Fu Panda go to the beach and refuse to take off his shirt.  Watch as Kung Fu Panda says no to Kung Pao Chicken and yes to calisthenics.  Watch Kung Fu Panda go shopping for clothes.  “No, Renteria, I can’t fit into these Dockers.  I’m bloated!”