Fantasy Baseball Advice

Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes.  Hungover, I rolled out of bed.  I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep.  An hour later, it started beeping again.  So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping.  Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again.  I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep.  About 5 hours later, it started beeping again.  I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector.  Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure.  Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same.  No more beeping…. Until Tuesday at 2 AM.  So I took all three smashed smoke detectors and threw them in the dumpster.  When I returned from the dumpster, more beeping.  It was like I was in England during the German raids of WWII.  The tell-tale heart was beat, beat, beating.  The next morning, I called a electrician to come by.  He said he couldn’t make it until Thursday, so I wore headphones all day Wednesday to block out the beeping.  Finally, on Thursday, the electrician showed up at my house and installed new smoke detectors.  In broken English, he told me everything was now fine.  I could remove my headphones.  Just then, there was more beeping.  Ah-ha!  See?!  I’m not crazy!  So the electrician followed the beeping sound and found the culprit.  In a desk drawer, there was a malfunctioning alarm clock.  I don’t tell you this story so you question all advice I give you, but this smoke detector dance reminded me of picking up free agents in fantasy baseball.  Alex Gordon hits.  You pick him up.  He stops hitting.  You drop him.  He starts hitting again.  You pick him up again.  He stops hitting.  You smash him with a hammer, throw him in the dumpster and promise yourself you’ll never pick him up again.  Then he hits again and you grab him.  I don’t have a lot of faith that Gordon will continue his production all year, but you absolutely have to pick him up just to see if he’s the real deal or just a malfunctioning alarm clock.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brandon Belt – I almost didn’t put Belt in this week’s Buy because I figured everyone already owns him.  Then I saw he was only owned in 21% of ESPN leagues.  Quick lesson that I learned freshman year at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.  When choosing between random boring vet that could give you 25 homers (Juan Rivera) and upside, you always take a flyer on upside.

Mark Trumbo – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Juan Miranda – I have less faith in Miranda than the two above him, but he’s also guaranteed better playing time than those two.  If Ross returns and Belt isn’t hitting, he could lose his job.  When Kendry(s) returns, Trumbo could lose his job.  Whereas, the Diamondbacks said they want to see Miranda at first and backing him up is Russell Branyan.  With all due respect to Mrs. Branyan and son, Billy, and the whole Branyan family tree, Russell is not someone the Diamondbacks should turn to for any extended period of time.

Jordan Walden – I’m not you’re babe, Fernando… Even Fernando Rodney will admit that he was only the closer because he was scary looking.  He’s got Closer Face.  3 sentences, 2 Lady Gaga references.  I will now donate my testicles to science.  Could Walden be Neftali Feliz for 2011?  Could be, young Razzball reader.

Sean Burnett – While save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How do I look in this dress?”  “Very skinny, Sean Burnett.”   “Did you just call me, Sean Burnett?”  “No.”  Save vultures should be picking on Burnett’s carcass.

Brandon League – He’s getting the saves now.  What, you’re above grabbing a few saves while Aardsma’s out?  Well, ain’t you the meow’s cat.

David Aardsma – He should be back in two weeks.  Do your leagues not have DL spots?

Chris Narveson – I just wrote my Narveson fantasy.  If you read it backwards, it says, “Satan is a pygmy.”

Edwin Jackson – Just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  Not with your eyes.  With your mouse.

Charlie Morton – Has now appeared in two straight Buy/Sells.  Still has a long way to go to break the record six straight weeks that I spent touting Luke Scott last year.

Aaron Harang – I was just thinking how Petco was where Dusty Baker threw Harang’s career off track three years ago during an indefensible relief outing.  Dusty, “Harang, I need four innings from you three days after your last start.  Muahahahahaha… Wait, did I just laugh maniacally out loud?  My bad.”  Harang should have the PA system at Petco play Redemption Song when he takes the mound.

Kyle Drabek – Slightly bonkers to me that Drabek is owned in 70% more ESPN leagues than Brandon Beachy.  I like Drabek, but I kinda don’t want any AL East pitchers, in general.

Brandon Beachy – Give me the password to your fantasy team and I’ll pick him up for you.

Chris Iannetta – Iannetta tweeted the other day, “In my fantasy league, even I own Kurt Suzuki.  #what’swrongwiththeworld?”

Russell Martin – Owned in only 37.5% of ESPN leagues, but I guess 40% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, so that’s about right.

Alfonso Soriano – He hits in April then his knees get grammie.

Logan Morrison – I have a feeling this year Morrison is going to be one of those players that is very valuable in NL-Only leagues but floats on the top of waiver wires in mixed leagues.

Ben Francisco – More for those in deep mixed leagues because his ceiling is like the 7 1/2 floor in the Mertin Flemmer Building.

SELL

Michael Morse – Hey, you tried to go with the latest/greatest/superlative outfield flyer, but he looks lost.

Michael Cuddyer – Sticking with the newly established Michael theme, Cuddyer is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues, but Morrison is owned in 31%.  Okie-dokie.

Kurt Suzuki – He’s such garbage that garbage is filing a copyright infringement case against him.

Brian Roberts - Smoke a Newport, because Roberts is alive with pleasure!  He’s rejuvenated, he’s hitting for power, he’s stealing bases, he’s… Oh, c’mon, it’s not going to last.  He has a history of knee, hip and back problems.  That sounds like someone who will be sliding hard into 2nd on steal attempts and staying healthy?  Yeah, I don’t think so either.  I wouldn’t sell Roberts for a copy of Ring Magazine with Abdullah the Butcher on the cover, but I would explore options.

Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger.  Who’s going to close for the Jays?!  Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream.  Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day.  Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old.  I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh?  It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz.  He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him.  Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful.  Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy.  Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep?  Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes.  Though I would love a decision on this.  Kevin Gregg sucks.  Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing.  And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts.  In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams, Pat Neshek)
3. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda, Jeremy Jeffress)
4. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
6. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
7. Brian Wilson (-3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Bobby Parnell, Manny Acosta)
10. John Axford (+1) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
11. Matt Thornton (+3) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
12. Chris Perez (+2) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp)
13. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
14. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
15. J.J. Putz (-7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
16. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
17. Joe Nathan (+4) (Matt Capps)
18. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Leo Nunez (+4) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
20. Brandon Lyon (+3) (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
22. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
23. Neftali Feliz (-2) (Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe, Darren O’Day)
24. Fernando Rodney (-1) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Jordan Walden)
25. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
27. Jon Rauch (-3) (Frank Francisco, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
28. Brian Fuentes/Grant Balfour (-15) (Andrew Bailey)
29. Kyle Farnsworth/Jake McGee (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
30. Drew Storen/Sean Burnett/Tyler Clippard/Todd Coffey/Bill Cosby

Neftali Feliz is now a starter.  Or is he?  Emphasis on the ‘or.’  Or is it on the ‘is?’  You’ll never know!  Muahahahahaha… Yeah, I don’t think Feliz is going to be a starter.  They got to the World Series the way things were, you change that?  Ogando or O’Day or Oliver or… What’s with the O names?  Here’s a sneak peek of a post title for the first game one of these schmohawks blows a game, “Rangers Say O’Shit.”  Any the hoo!  Washington has said he likes Feliz getting the final three outs.  I think Washington gets what he wants, but I suppose anything’s possible.  For that reason, I’m dropping Feliz down the closer ranks.  The other big loser since the last closer look is Drew Storen.  I think he should be the closer, but the Nats are hesitating about calling him the closer.  If he secures the job, he’ll move back up the charts.  For now, he has some risk.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams)
3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda)
4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner)
6. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
7. Jose Valverde (+2) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. J.J. Putz (+4) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta)
11. John Axford (+3) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
13. Andrew Bailey (-2) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
14. Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez)
15. Matt Thornton (+6) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
17. Brad Lidge (+1) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
18. Neftali Feliz (-13) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe)
19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Pat Neshek)
21. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
22. Joel Hanrahan (+2) (Evan Meek)
23. Fernando Rodney (+3) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs)
24. Frank Francisco (-2) (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor)
25. Leo Nunez (-5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
26. Drew Storen (-9) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
29. Brandon League (David Aardsma)
30. Kyle Farnsworth (Jake McGee, J.P.Howell, Waitress of the Month at local Hooter’s)

Aw, sookie.  Our first look at all the closers for the 2011 fantasy baseball season.  That is a bird on your window and it’s singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.  I went over Kevin Gregg signing with the O’s when it happened and Putz to the Diamondbacks.  I didn’t go over Frank² signing with the Jays, but he’s the closer and that’s all I’m saying on that for now.  I have bigger fish to fry in this intro, The Rays. (<–bad pun point!)  I usually don’t have a problem deciding who I think will get saves on a team.  I mean, I may be wrong, but I can decide.  On the Rays, um, yeah, it’s a mess.  Right now, I see people predicting Kyle Farnsworth, the Cuddle Boy extraordinaire.  Some have Lovey’s son, J.P. Howell.  Others have Jake McGee.  So J.P. McFarnwell is closing for them?  Yikes.  Can’t they trade one of their 28 1st round draft picks for a closer?  Here’s my best guess at how it breaks down.  Farnsworth is thrust into the closer role does as he always does when he’s the closer, sucks.  Then Howell gets the role that earned him 17 saves last year.  I don’t think the Rays go to McGee because of inexperience.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams)
3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda)
4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner)
6. Neftali Feliz (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando)
7. Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta)
11. Andrew Bailey (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
13. J.J. Putz (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
14. John Axford (Takashi Saito, LaTroy Hawkins, Zach Braddock)
15. Chris Perez (Rafael Perez)
16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Leo Nunez (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
21. Matt Thornton (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
22. Frank Francisco (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor)
23. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
24. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
25. Matt Capps (Joe Nathan, Pat Neshek)
26. Fernando Rodney (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs)
27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
29. Brandon League (David Aardsma)
30. Kyle Farnsworth (J.P.Howell, Jake McGee)

Matt Cain had a no-hitter through eight innings until an infield single by Jay Payton (who I believe runs with a cane, ironically enough) broke it up.  Final line for Cain was 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks to bring his season ERA to 2.95.  (Fancy metric alert!)  Last year, Cain’s xFIP was almost a run and a half greater than his ERA.  Or if Joe Morgan’s reading, gibberish gobbledygook > meaningful stat.  This year, more of the same.  So my question to you is, does Matt Cain want the Fangraphs Database to commit seppuku?  Leave FD alone, it’s still trying to figure out Austin Jackson’s BABIP!  Personally, I’m done fighting Matt Cain and his lucky ways.  I’ve overthought enough.  (Overthinked?  Overthunked?  Am I overthinking this?)  He’s in a pitchers’ park and he doesn’t give up homers.  Are they associated?  Probably.  He strikes out a fair amount and his walks have been in check this year.  Looks like a number #2 starter.  Wrap it up, I’ll take it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Now hitting over .400 in the last week with homers in back-to-back games.  If it wasn’t the last week, I wouldn’t even mention him.  But right now, it’s not a bad time to ride Dirty Sanchez.

Cody Ross – 2-for-4 and 3 homers this week.  Andres Torres returned for a second and pushed Ross to the bench, but now the Giants think Torres might’ve been rushed, so Ross could see time.

Melvin Mora – Hit his third homer in the last 8 days (which is a week if you count Muesday).  Mora’s family has a hard time speaking positive about him, so let’s leave it at he’s hot.

David Aardsma – DA has been charged with an oblique strain.  As soon as they find out where and what the oblique is Aardsma should return.  I’m thinking next year, the M’s say in a few days.  Makes no sense to me.  Why run your not-at-hundred-percent closer out there?  To avoid loss number 100?  I grabbed Brandon League in, uh, leagues where I needed saves.  My suggestion is you do the same then when you ring me up in the offseason we’ll have something to talk about.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 38th homer and, according to ESPN, he got an MVP chant.  This is news?  They were in Detroit.  They ain’t chanting “Ford was a Nazi,” that’s for sure.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Twins B squad.  Porcello gets the Suckie-O’s next.  Not a huge fan of Porcello, but that’s not a terrible matchup.

Jose Valverde – Pitched an inning on Sunday and should be safe for the final week.  I’d lose Coke.  Ron Washington, “What are you losing?!”

Brian Duensing – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  The music finally skipped a beat on The Duensing Machine.  I’d lose him in all leagues.  It was smoke and mirrors before and that went poof.  You don’t want to run him out there again.

Delmon Young – Hit his 19th homer.  I’m still on board with Delmon in keepers, but I’m wondering if he might be overrated next year like Sandoval and Butler were this year.  Doode’s definitely got girth, but I like 30+ homer potential from my outfielders.  December Grey will have to examine this Rubik’s moobs.

Jason Frasor – Recorded the four out save as Gregg sat on the bench.  *shrugs*  Honestly, not sure why.  If you’re totally desperate for saves, I’d grab Frasor.

Alfredo Simon – Got thrown out the game for throwing at Bautista.  Unsurprisingly, the ball plunked off Bautista’s forearm and went for a homer.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  Jeff Feenuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.  Aviles has 4 homers in the last ten games and is batting over .300.

Billy Butler – 3-for-3, raising his average to .320.  Butler has always been terrific in Spring Training to earn the nickname, Mr. Grapefruit.  He’s now proving he just hits well when there’s nothing on the line.  Assuming that’s not a buffet line.

James Shields – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the M’s.  Here’s what I said in February (!) when I was mocking ESPN’s mock draft, “(The pick of Shields at 152) is not a pick I would make, but this isn’t so much about the time when Shields was drafted.  The real knee to the balls is in the comments where (ESPN) wrote, “Becquey takes James Shields with pick No. 152, and many lament that Shields is off the board.”  Why? Because of his mediocre K-rate?  Is it his increasing walk rate?  Is it his inability to pitch in away games?  Is it his division?  Are they using a new definition of lament?  Seriously, I have to stop before I get an aneurysm.”  Schadenfreude, snitches!

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros, who he owns.  Don’t press your luck with Maholm for another start and get whammied.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-5, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  As I said last week (or think I said), Alvarez has been very streaky in his short career, right now it’s the good kind of streaky.

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Though there were some unearned runs for the ticker shock.  He gets the Cubs for his final start, which isn’t terrible.

Brandon Beachy – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Beachy is shore doing well.  (Clever with a capital K!)  Might be an interesting name to look at next year, but I wouldn’t mess with him in his final start vs. the Phils.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 24th and 25th homers.  I don’t care when they come, just get to 30.  Stats!

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As long as none of my direct competitors this final week have Beltran, I kinda hope he hits 25 homers in the last week so some ESPN rubes draft him crazy early next year.  ESPN, you are my fodder!

Chase Utley – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer.  What’s that, Martin Prado had a better season?  I will now eat an apple laced with cyanide.

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Holy heffin’ hey, is this the most runs ever given up in Petco?  Did they play with the Rock ‘n Jock short fences?  What are you doing to me, Richard?  It’s the final effin’ week.  You better look over your shoulder next time you’re alone in the Gaslamp, you schmohawk.

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Sonavabench!  (BTW, of course he didn’t get the win.  If he were throwing a perfect game, they’d still be playing because no pitchers I own can get a win.  I’m cursed.  Stupid Zoltar!)

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-3.  Another streaky youngster who has 3 homers in the last week.  (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.  Now get off my lawn!)

Matt Thornton – Got the 2 inning save yesterday.  Chris Sale was used on Saturday but he only threw 9 pitches so he couldn’t have been tired.  Ozzie probably just forgot he said Sale was the closer.  Between alleged racism and Twitter, it’s a lot for Ozzie to keep straight.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  I told you he was getting lucky (probably three months too early)!

Mitch Moreland – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  Moreland was hitting below .100 in the last week before this game, so I’m not sure yet if this is a sign or a freak occurrence.  BTW,  yesterday there were 5 homers in Petco and 6 homers in the Oakland Coliseum… Speaking of freak occurrences, Lincecum would’ve sent those juiced balls back.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games.  With Hamilton out and Vlad resting his Ron Kovic knees, I’d see if Frenchy can hit a few more freedom flies.

Chris Perez – The mulleted closer was out Sunday as his wife was giving birth.  Here’s a Razzball exclusive look at the baby boy.