Fantasy Baseball Advice

So Grey lost his stache in a tragic sparkler related accident, but did manage to partially recover the remnants and is having them reattached as we speak, so I’m going to fill in for him on this sacred of holidays, July 5th.

If you have ever seen or heard of the NFL or smelled a jock strap at any point, then you might want to check out what is going down over on my side of the tracks. We’ve got all kinds of hootenannies and shin-digs about to be gettin up and gettin down, so don’t just hole up over here! Venture out into the world and stop by and and take a load off on the Razzball Football porch, there’ll be lightning bugs and we’ll be drinking rot gut out of a mason jar.

Now that the self promotion is over, read my invaluable thoughts on what happened in Major League Baseball yesterday:

Freddie Freeman: Freddie freed the ball from it’s oppressor, the stadium, twice to celebrate Independence Day. Grey’s pick for NL Rookie of the Year is on pace to be in the running. Those were his 10th and 11th homers so he’s on pace for 78 home runs, oh, let me go over those numbers again, make that, hmmm, so if they play 164 games he’d be on pace for 22 home runs, and if you lop off those 2 games in which he would probably have hit like 8 homers, that would put him on pace for 14.

Mark Reynolds: Mini Donkey hit 2 homers yesterday and just missed a third and is as hot as a donkey can be sans the Tijuanian hooker. Five donks in the last 3 games is ok if you are into that kind of thing.

Rajai Davis: Could the call up of Travis Snider have set a fire under Davis? Well, two games in and you’d have to say yes. And with that kind of sample size there’s no way you can go wrong! I had high hopes for him before the season started and my hopes continued to get lower and lower until they got lower than a slug’s belly, so he can’t really go anywhere but up and going 5 for 9 with 4 stolen bases in the last 2 games is up.

Troy Tulowitzki: He strained his quad and looks like he will be out a couple days. The last time I was at the quad it was to do a little hacky-sacking. Right now they are looking at a couple days rest, but you never know! Be afraid!! Or not, it’s just a game.

Travis Snider: He was called up and quickly hit 3 doubles. Three triples would have been more poetic, but hey, you take what you can get.  But be careful, this dude has a TCAP Stache.

Alex Presley: With Jose Tabata out, Alex has yet to leave the building and the with the way he is playing he may not. He is 12 for 33 since being called up with 6 RBIs and 2 stolen bases. Tabata should be back in a week-ish so don’t get too googly-eyed, but you two could have a magical week together! Send me a postcard.

Pablo Sandoval: The panda dog seems to have gotten his power back. He went 3 for 5 with a panda donk yesterday and has hit in 15 straight games and an extra-base hit in 9 games in a row. And if you find a picture of a panda dog wearing sandals give me a holler.

Emilio Bonafacio: Emily Facebone (rough translation) is sagnoffin like crazy. He has 6 stolen bases in the last 6 games and he happens to be hitting a little as well, which probably helps him get on base and thus steal bases. He is 10 for his last 28.

Adrian Beltre: Yesterday he went 2 for 5 with a home run and he’s gone  9 for his last 16 with 5 runs and 7 RBIs.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t usually add up to words.

Brian Duensing: In his first 4 starts he gave up an America, Eff Yeah-sized 21 runs in 20.2 innings. A run an inning does not look too good on the resume. Since then he has given up 10 runs in his last 7 starts for a much more career builder friendly 2.45 ERA, and a 4-2 record. The competition has been somewhat iffy, so he’s still in spot starterville, but I’m keeping my eye on him.

Ricky Nolasco: He has RickNolled anyone who even thought about owning him, but he has looked better of late. It’s a good sign that he held the Phillies to one run yesterday, but of course the Marlins don’t really care to score runs that often.

Danny Valencia: O Valencia! He’s setting the city on fire! He’s 11 for his last 25 with 2 homers and 9 RBIs in the last 6 games. Will he keep this up? Hmm, maybe, maybe not. What am I, some kind of psychic! But I picked him up in a league where David Wright is taking his own sweet time coming back. Third base is a gaping hole of doom.

Adam Dunn: Big Ass decided to go all Big Donkey for the night and hit a home run and got his second hit off a lefty all season (that raised his average against lefties to .036). This of course coincides with me dropping him. I’m skeptically pessimistic.

Mike Napoli: He’s off the DL and got a hit in his first at bat back. That’s good news.

With 4 homers for Kelly Johnson, there’s still the Kelly Ka-POW, see?  With the 6 steals, he’s still running.  If you extrapolate those numbers out, it’s a 20/20 season.  If extrapolate is the right word.  From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Johnson?  Last yeario, Phife Dawg.  That’s not happening this year though.  This is what currently is happening.  His balls batted into play are showing he’s been unlucky, so he’s pressing and his Ks have gone up and walks have gone down.  If a couple balls fall in front of fielders and Johnson gets on base, his confidence will rise and he’ll start being more selective at the plate.  His average will then rise and he’ll continue to hit for power and steal bases.  His average isn’t likely going to get up to .280, but a 18/15 year with a .250 average is still very possible.  That’s better than the current perception of him.  If he’s been dropped, I’d look to grab him. If he’s on an impatient owner’s team, I’d offer up a deal.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.

Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated.  BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out!  And invest in Microsoft!  Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers.  Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile.  Smiles are totally underrated.  You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13.  I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.

Yovani Gallardo – In 8 innings, threw a one-hitter on Saturday.  To misquote Positive K, Gallardo’s a headache, now he’s an aspirin.  Hopefully, he’s turned a corner this time and not just a U-turn back to crap.

Jason Bourgeois – To the DL.  That was a fun SAGNOF ride, right?  Haven’t been that excited about a SAGNOF’er since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases in 2003 with nothing but a cheap pair of Keds and steroids.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, who is supposedly the Blue Jays manager, said Francisco is the primary closer.  If you mix a primary closer with a primary set-up man, it makes the color blue.

Jose Bautista – Returned and hit a homer.  At season’s end, Bautista will meet in front of a congressional committee for making me look bad.

Vicente Padilla – 1 IP, 1 ER as he secured his 2nd save but he’s already showing signs of the rough waters that once sank Padilla’s flotilla.  I’d continue to hold Kuo and Jansen, in the non-sexual way.

Andre Ethier – Finally went hitless on Saturday, but returned with a 2-for-4, home run day on Sunday.  Alyssa Milano gave him a hand for three straight minutes.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, now has a 2.11 ERA.  Yeah, not sure why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues for right now.

Roger Bernadina – He’s back!  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say I appreciate you still using an exclamation mark when saying Bernadina’s back.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Omaha Steaks by my door?  It’s missing.”  Riggleman, who’s not related to Jigga man, says Bernadina will play every day.  All Bernadina needs to do is hit and he’ll block Ankiel upon his return.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Their Ks are not the same, but Anibal reminds me of Buehrle.  You get nothing, you get a near perfect game.  You don’t get nothing, you get nowhere near a perfect game, triple negatives be damned.

Hanley Ramirez – Edwin Rodriguez, who’s currently posing as the Marlins manager, had a terrific quote that should be inspiring to Marlin players and fans alike.  He said, “(Hanley) will stay there in the third hole until we get another option.  There are not too many options.”  It’s not easy to insult your entire team while offering no hope.  He’s the Knute Rockne of baseball managers.  One day his Cooperstown plaque will read, “When Edwin Rodriguez faced adversity, he threw up his hands and offered no solutions.  Instead, he passive-aggressively blamed others.  It’s actually a little weird that he’s in Cooperstown with a losing record over a two-year span of coaching.”

Gaby Sanchez – 4-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .328.  Too bad he’s apparently not capable of the three hole.

Nelson Cruz – To the DL.  Hey, at least he got his first DL stint out of the way.  Now he only has three more stints to go.

Chris Davis – Will see more playing time with Nelson Cruz on the DL.  Bill James has to have his inseam taken out.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals in his last six games.  Could be a quick fill-in for those that lost Bourgeois, which also led to the fall of the Soviet Union.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looks like vintage Bedard, which means he’ll be injured any day now, but he should still be owned while we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (and injure him).

Sam Fuld – 1-for-5, now batting .248.  I actually meant to include him in Friday’s Sell, but shizz got away from me.  Potatoes to chips, Fuld looks done-zo.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-2, hitting .187.  Brian Roberts hitting .221; Markakis hitting .227; Lee .233; Vlad .267; Scott .253; Jones .250, Wieters .232.  The O’s are staying true to their name.

Carl Crawford – Since I told you to buy him, he’s hitting around .400.  Cust kayin’.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the hangover cure slam & legs.

Pedro Alvarez – Won’t need a trip to the DL…But will need 15 days on your bench while he recovers.  Just when you thought Alvarez couldn’t make you hate him anymore, he goes and gets hurt but not put on the DL.  Stop eating red velvet cupcakes and play baseball, you douchetard!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has only 2 earned runs in his last 18 innings, 16 Ks to 7 BBs while lowering his ERA from 10.13 to 5.65.  Looking like that preseason sleeper that we thought he’d be.  And by we, I mean me and the rest of my graduating class from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.

Kendrys Morales – Going to Colorado for a 2nd opinion on his ankle.  Gotta love how major league teams conduct business.  He’s being paid three million this year, yet it took months of him being unable to run to seek a 2nd opinion.  What’s he got, Medicare?

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve gone hot and cold on Chris Narveson, which sounds like the Christian name for The Noid and is beginning to act like it.  Just hard to get confident about a guy who gets hit by the Astros and pitches fine vs. decent teams.

Lance Berkman – 1 for his last 11.  Better get back in the DeLorean.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Same shizz as Narveson, except his K:BB is 22:15 in 43 2/3 IP.  At any point, Dave Duncan’s abracadabra could leave an abracadaver.

Fernando Salas – The Cards “closer,” Salas, relieved the Cards “closer,” Eduardo Sanchez.

Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Team ERA of 2.69 and that’s with their crizzappy closer.  Get on board with all the Oakland A’ces, they’re your American League hodgepadres.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6, 2 homers and a steal.  Some may view this as Jeter is finally coming alive.  I thought that too until I stroked my mustache a few times.  This is Jeter’s owners opportunity to finally sell him for value.  This is one game.  Even if Cap’n Jeets comes alive for a week or two, he’s still not going to return to the player he once was.  Mustache, “You’re welcome.”

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, three runs, two RBIs, one home run, zero idea what A-Rod sees in girls with manly faces.

Chris Young – Headed to the DL with shoulder tightness.  I didn’t even know giraffes had shoulders.

The man who looks like the man from Man Vs. Food’s father, Lance Berkman, is on a ginormous Kaiser roll.   Speaking of pastry, it’s not a coincidence that Lance Berkman’s initials are LB.  When he got to St. Louis, he asked the cabbie where the second arch is and why isn’t it painted gold.  If you think you have 2010 Konerko, you might.  But you also might have the 2011 Berkman, which isn’t nearly the player the 2006 Berkman was.  For Berkman, this is either a great month or it’s the beginning of a great year.  When dealing with a player on the downside of his career, I invariably go with the former, if the former is the first one where I think it’s just a great month.  At least when he was on the Astros, they could just play him at 1B so he didn’t injure himself in the OF.  It’ll take an apocalyptic event for that to happen in St. Louis.  I’d see if I could get someone to overpay believing this is the beginning of the beginning not the beginning of the end.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Ryan Theriot – He’s like a non-Aybar, Erick Aybar.

Danny Espinosa – You know I kept getting questions about Espinosa in the comments and I never put it together that he wasn’t owned in that many leagues.  In ESPN leagues, he’s only owned in 13% of leagues?  Huh?  He’s going to be a top 12 2nd baseman.  Sure, that’s like being the soberest Irishman, but still.  Here’s a refresher on my Espinosa fantasy.  I wrote that post in a hammock in Pago Pago and a homing pigeon delivered it back to Razzball HQ.

Darwin Barney – I have a confession to make.  The middle infidel who loves dinosaurs is on two of my teams.  So far, those teams aren’t doing well, but there ya go.

Jed Lowrie – You know what P. Diddy & Dirty Money would say about Jed, “‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now,’ that’s Lowrie’s song.”

Aaron Harang – Know what I like a whole lot?  Chilled glasses.  And Hodgepadres.

Tyson Ross – I’ll know how deep the leagues are that should grab him after today’s start.  “To be continued…” as said by Vincent Price.

Alexi Ogando – Yes, the start in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built wasn’t pretty, but you gotta give him a little more leash than that.

Justin Masterson – I like Masterson.  You can search the site for info on him.  On sorta his last name’s subject, what do people think of a Razzball t-shirt that reads, “Fantasy Baseball, Something To Do Between Masturbation Sessions?”

Scott Baker – Rudy said earlier today he’d prefer Baker to Liriano.  That hurts me soul to read, Lupe Fiasco.  But if you’re eating what Rudy’s cooking…. Or is that baking?

Matt Capps – “He ain’t no handcuff, he’s the hand closer, essa.”  Said a’la Edward James Olmos.  Not entirely sure why Edward James Olmos is saying that but my family is in town for the holiday and they’re making me a little daffy.

Mitchell Boggs – After Boggs’ save, he rode a horse around Yankee Stadium and ate fried chicken out of Margo Adams’ bosom… You know, I think I’m clicking on the wrong Wikipedia page– I am!  Okay, Mitchell Boggs got the save and could get more.  Worth the pick up but there’s no guarantee he’s going to be the go-to guy.  We’re dealing with La Russa, after all.

Jon Rauch – SAGNOF!

Frank Francisco – SAGNOF²!

Kyle Farnsworth – Doing pretty well and is owned in only 41% of ESPN leagues, but since 60% ESPN leagues are already abandoned that’s 101% of leagues owning Farnsworth, so surely he’s taken in your league.  And don’t call me, Shirley.

David Freese – Liked him last week and this week it’s just 7 days later, which sounds like lyrics for a country song.

Mark Trumbo – Well, you can get on board until Kendrys returns, right?

Danny Valencia – Sounds like the name of a dancer on Dancing with the Stars that gets stucked with Loni Anderson or somebody.  “Valencia just roped a single down the line and… What’s this?  He’s salsa dancing to first.  Wow!”  Valencia’s kinda bleh but he’s currently hitting.

Jeff Francoeur – I liked our Tuesday afternoon post that talked about Frenchy.  Wasn’t bad, right?  (I also liked Monday, Wednesday and Thursday’s.)  But I feel like mentioning Jeff not simply because he’s hit a few Freedom Flies so far this year, but because there was something between the lines at that post that had to do with having Frenchy for the whole season.  Talking about what he’s going to do all year.  That’s cool, I get it, but let’s not forget he’s a fifth outfielder.  Get on board now and worry about that rest of the season shizz later.  If you get a solid 2 weeks from him then someone better comes along, what Frenchy does in August doesn’t matter.  And, for what it’s Wuertz, the French take August off. (And you thought I couldn’t write hundred words about Frenchy… Ha!)

Matt Joyce – Hitting almost .500 over the last week.  Now you’re getting your acclaims, Joyce.

Jerry Sands – Like Rudy this morning, I too thought Jerry was black.  Who knew he was like the Caribbean and white Sands?  Any the hoo!  I just went over my Sands fantasy.  I wrote it while standing on the Las Vegas Strip smacking escort flyers into my hand.

Peter Bourjos – Similarly to Espinosa, sometimes I think people read Razzball every day and retain all this shizz, so when I get questions about Bourjos it confuses me.  Do I like him?  Since January.

SELL

Ike Davis – I’m not saying to drop him (well, in some leagues maybe), but I’d definitely look to see if I could get anything in a trade for him after last night’s homer.

Sean Rodriguez – Yeah, I pushed him on people in the preseason, but garbage calls on Tuesday to have Sean-Rod picked up.

Alex Gordon – Our on-again, off-again romance lasted for five years (and felt like 45 years, as that sentence seemed to read) and as soon as he started to show signs that he liked me, I want no part of him.  I’m such a girl!  His walk rate is at 3.8%, K-rate is near 20%, his BABIP is at .426, he’s hitting well but his average will plummet to .275 at some point.  When he’s hitting .275 and has 17 homer power and 12 steal speed, he won’t look half as pretty.  I wouldn’t sell him for a Nicki Minaj record, but I would explore my trade options.

I suggest you grab a 3rd baseman before leaving the top 150.  Shoot, I suggest you get one before leaving the 2nd round, but those scenarios aren’t always possible.  So what what what what is the scenario if you miss out on one?  This list of guys that can be had later in your drafts.  Look at this as a supplement to the top 20 3rd basemen of 2011 fantasy baseball.  Where applicable, click on the players name to read more about them or to see their 2011 projections.  Anyway, here’s some 3rd basemen to target for 2011 fantasy baseball:

Jose Lopez – “Hahahahahahahaha… Whoaaaaaa.  Hahahahahahahaha… Seriously, dubya tee eff?!  Are you dropping a Mr. Winky, the emoticon, on me?!”  That was what my thirteen-year-old niece texted me when I told her Jose Lopez was the first deep sleeper if you start looking for a 3rd baseman after the top 150.  If you take nothing else away from this post, know you need a 3rd baseman earlier than the 12th round in 12 team drafts.  Also, you should probably infer that if you play with a corner infidel, you better have a 1st baseman slotted in there, as well.

Jhonny Peralta – When you see The Silent H make an appearance you just know this list smacks with excitement, right?

Chris Johnson – Here’s what I said in the top 20 3rd baseman post, “Honestly, I don’t fully buy into the Chris Johnson fanwagon.  He arrived with little fanfare last summer, because he was kinda whatever.  He struck out 91 times in 94 games last year and I think Johnson’s pretty numbers are a small sample size talking.  (That’s what she said!)  But he is in his prime and has upside.  It’s worth a flier if you’re back against the wall.”  And that’s me quoting me!

David Freese – I kinda like Freese the best on this list if you take into account his ADP, but you can’t own him in anything but deep mixed and/or NL-Only daily leagues.  He’s got a cankle issue and might not play more than 5 days a week.

Danny Valencia – Sounds like a star of a telenovela, right?  Danny Valencia, no cocina mi corazon! Valencia is a nice name to look at in AL-Only leagues.  If you’re drafting him in 12 team, mixed leagues, there’s a chance he will cook your heart.