I wonder if Marge Schott’s family sits around and talks about what Marge would’ve thought of Billy Hamilton‘s thievery. I wonder too if they’d do it on our podcast, because I bet it would be totally off-color, so to speak. “First of all, Marge had a great respect for people and would’ve loved a chance to apologize for the comments she made about African-Americans, Jews, Japanese, Chinese, Tongans, Georgians, the people from the country above Armenia and the people of the great state of Georgia, Quizno’s, the fast food restaurant, I don’t think there’s people who register Quizno as a nationality or religion and Pomeranians — she only kicked one because she thought it was a ferret…Guess that means she would’ve apologized to ferrets too. So, your question is, what would she have thought of Billy Hamilton? She would’ve loved him to fetch her Nazi flatware.” That’s a Marge Schott family member on the podcast. You don’t need to be a rocket surgeon to know what Hamilton gives you for fantasy. Even if he only starts one game the rest of the year, he could get you a point in steals and for that it’s worth owning him, even if you have to put him on your bench on his days off. If you don’t think he can steal four bags again in a game, you don’t know two of his steals on Wednesday were on pitch outs. That means not only did everyone know he was stealing, but the pitcher and catcher did all they could to stop him. They still couldn’t. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:`Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you’re reading this, congratulations, you must be in that exclusive club only regarded for winners like you – the Fantasy Baseball playoffs. If you’re reading this and don’t even play fantasy baseball, you must have done a google search on “dustbuster masturbation.” I’m not judging. Perv. To win in the playoffs we have to apply any and all strategies we have learned over the past 150 games: Play the numbers over the names – if Carl Crawford and Torii Hunter are slumping, bench them. Choose the best matchups – Hitter-Tron is your new best friend. Just keep that horny robot away from your toaster oven. Rosterbate daily – you won’t go blind, just do it until you need glasses. Look for players in real life playoff fights – Rays and Royals won’t be getting rests, Tigers and Red Sox will. Shoot dirty pool – grab a player you may not need, but could help your opponent; ethics and “fair play” have no place in our fake baseball world. It’s been a fun jammer crammer kinda season, my dear Razzballers. I feel we have all grown so close over the past six months. You’re like family now and by family I mean we only speak once a week via the internet. We have shared many fond memories of Ike Davis bashing, Xander Bogaerts watching, metal music talking, Twitter stalking and Islay scotch consuming. No, we can’t be blood brothers, but thanks for asking. Let’s complete this mission and bring home the championship. It’s time to jam it or cram it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Say it’s not so News Report! News Report, “I’m sorry, Grey, your handsomeness and mustache make me want to lie to you, but Edwin Encarnacion is probably being shut down for the year.” Is it because anything I did? “No, you’ve gone above and beyond anything I could’ve hoped for. Thanks for the $10 marathon donation too. A real mensch, you are!” I could’ve done without the second reminder to donate on Facebook. “Can we discuss this privately?” So, players are dropping like flies. Not those African tsetse flies that have been known to live for six months after they burrow into your skull. They’re dropping like fruit flies near your backyard bug zapper. In most leagues, I’d lose Encarnacion immediately. Blue Jays Manager said Edwin’s probably done for the year, and even if he returns, he’s dealing with a sore wrist, which is, ya know, not good for hitting. Comatose Blue Jays Fan, “At least he’ll be ready for the playoffs! Right?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
King Hodor of the House of Hodor. First of his Hodor. Long may he Hodor.
At this point, there appear to be more trades occurring after the July 31st deadline. In fact, just yesterday, Mike Morse was acquired by the Orioles, Jason Kubel was acquired by the Indians, and, as you may or may not have realized yet, John Axford and his, well, what ever you call the things he grows on his face, has been acquired by Ozark nation. Which, if you don’t know the area, is known for abandoned El Caminos and the second highest murder rate in the nation, next to Detroit. Err, Detroit, the RoboCop version. What’s the fantasy impact? I’m sure glad I just asked myself that question. Mike Morse’s situation changes a bit, a better hitting environment and a better lineup could lead to some stat boosting. Jason Kubel, well, he remains the same. Insignificant. Frankly, I don’t even understand the move, since the Indians are already paying for a player (cough, Mark Reynolds, cough) that’s doing better right now, yet plays for the Yankees. Ballsy strategy if you ask me. And then there’s John Axford. I’ll be honest, since I lie all the time I guess, the impact here is not much, if anything. But I do like Axford drinking the same water those other Cardinal pitchers are drinking, and would not be surprised if his situation improves next year. So keep a look out. Here’s what else I noticed yesterday…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hello one, hello all it is your gracious and well manscaped travel agent, Sky. I promise I’ll do my best to accommodate all your traveling needs and not relive my past years glory while I do it. Truthfully, I don’t have two tickets to paradise for you this week. Heck, I don’t even have a 7 day vacation package ready for you like you asked for. We didn’t ask for anything. Who are you and why are you talking to me? I already told you I was Sky, silly, and I’ve been writing over on the Razzball Fantasy Football side for ages. And by ‘ages’ I mean since last year but in the internet world that’s practically like running a family car wash for 50 years. Grey asked me to come over here and give the worst advice possible a while back so he looks better but I decided y’all are too good for that and have suggested guys like Eric Chavez, Brandon Moss and Adam Lind to you in the past. But this week was stickier than those little buns you like…um, I’m talking about sticky buns guys…where were YOU going with that? But enough about how you sticky your buns, I’m here to talk about Danny Valencia and more importantly why he’s a good get for week 14 of the 2013 fantasy baseball season…Please, blog, may I have some more?
Six days ago, the Rays said they have no plans to call up Wil Myers. Six days ago, the Rays lied. They might’ve just lied to make Jim Bowden look stupid. While I appreciate that, Bowden rides around on a Segway, so the Rays were piling on. About two weeks ago, I gave you my Wil Myers fantasy. Lets’ not recapitulate any of that, okay? Let’s not talk about how Myers could hit 20 homers in two-thirds of a season. Or how Myers could hit .280 with solid counting stats. If you want to read about the risk of rookies, go to that post and read that. I’m not here to talk about how Myers is the number one prospect call-up or how he’s worthwhile in all mixed leagues, but won’t be Mike Trout. I’m not going to talk about any of that. Dah! I just did, didn’t I? Damn, you fooled me! Myers is the kind of player that probably has the most value right now. He’s going to be a top round fantasy guy. Eventually. Yes, I just did the douchey one word sentence thing. Right now, he’s around a 4th outfielder. Of course, he’s draped in glorious upside. You could yell at him the same way you do to a Home Depot employee, “Hey, Toolsy!” For the future, he reminds me of an in-his-prime Matt Holliday. He’s a 30-ish homer, 15-ish steal guy with a solid average. Eventually. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Curtis Granderson left last night’s game in the fifth inning after being hit by a pitch on the hand and fracturing his knuckle. The Yankees expect Grandy to miss at least four weeks so obviously this is a big blow to fantasy owners who just got him back a little over a week ago. Some luck, if you remember correctly it was a HBP in the forearm that sent him to the DL back in March. Someone has to invest in some new armor for Granderson, I recommended Barry Bonds’ metal-plated sleeve, but chainmail is always nice as well. Anyway, these are the breaks. Curtis Blow said that, and Curtis Granderson is living it. He was batting .269 through eight games but already had a home run, a stolen base and a couple of three hit games so the outlook was promising. Thems the breaks, right Curtis!? In the interim, I guess we can expect Ichiro or Vernon Wells to continue to see plenty of playing time, and Brennan Boesch should see plenty of burn as well, but I don’t see much value with Boesch outside AL-Only. Don’t be too sad, Yankee fans, you were doing just fine without him. Maybe Curtis Mayfield said it even better, “you’re gonna make your fortune by and by, but if you lose don’t ask no questions why.” Superfly! In other words, I’m sure there’s a deal-with-it gif on the googles or the tumblrs out there for you to look at (here, here and here), but the three Curtis’ have already moved on so hopefully you can, too.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball last night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Josh Vitters and Brett Jackson were called up on Sunday. Here’s what I just said on Friday when I told you to pick Vitters up, “(He) comes with high expectations simply because Cubs fans are like a 104-year-old virgin who would just love to touch the playoffs’ boobies.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe. “There’s a storm a comin’! Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?” “No, Gissley! It wants our closers!” “But I only have Juan Cruz! And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man” “It doughs’cent matter!” Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be. I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker. If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him. The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’ You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick. At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network. If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now. You’re pitching with a torn tendon. I repeat, you have a torn tendon. So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today. Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations. I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know? I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’ If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately. If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside. To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish. It only sounded like it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
I hate these stupid beyotchabatukises too. No love lost here! Though I’m not sure if that means you love someone or you hate them. I’m trying to think the last time I heard someone say no love lost and if they were saying it happily or angrily. I think it was angrily, but they might have had no idea what they were talking about either. Well, with love lost or not, I still want a 3rd baseman earlier on. I’d prefer to not have to take a flyer from these schmohawks. Though they are different levels of schmo-ness. Some are definitely less schmo-y. As mentioned in my 2nd basemen to target or was it 1st basemen to target or catchers to target, in one of those I mentioned how if a position is deep I want a top guy unless it’s pitchers. Yeah, if the position is shallow, I don’t want a flyer. I’d prefer to have a flyer where most have flyers. This is contrary to popular opinion; maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer for this shizz. Speaking of Pulitzers, I had dinner recently with someone who won a Pulitzer. I can’t even spell Pulitzer without the spellchecker. Anyone who can spell it, should win it. They only mentioned their Pulitzer three times over the course of two hours. I would’ve been wearing the Pulitzer medallion around my neck (is it a medallion?). I would put my name in to a restaurant hostess as “Pulitzer.” When a waiter came by for our drink orders, I would ask for a whiskey with a splash of Pulitzer. The Pulitzer person was now working at US Weekly. I asked if they won the Pulitzer for their Octamom coverage. They weren’t amused. This list is 3rd basemen that can be had later in your drafts. Look at this as a supplement to the top 20 3rd basemen of 2012 fantasy baseball. Where applicable, click on the players name to read more about them or to see their 2012 projections. Anyway, here’s some 3rd basemen to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Ian Stewart – Can you believe I didn’t write a sleeper post about Ian Stewart? Yes, I’ve written one about him for the last three years. I meant, can you believe I didn’t write one this year? You know what that means, right? This is the year he finally puts his shizz together and earns his Mini Mini Donkey brays.Please, blog, may I have some more?