Fantasy Baseball Advice

I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe.  “There’s a storm a comin’!  Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?”  “No, Gissley!  It wants our closers!”  “But I only have Juan Cruz!  And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man”  “It doughs’cent matter!”  Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be.  I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker.  If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him.  The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’  You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick.  At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network.  If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now.  You’re pitching with a torn tendon.  I repeat, you have a torn tendon.  So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today.  Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations.  I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know?  I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’  If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately.  If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside.   To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish.  It only sounded like it.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty).  I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded.  Good co-jo’s.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce.  (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too.  That one hurts worse.  Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking.  Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)

Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future.  Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea?  Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture?  “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.”  Eh, maybe it’s me.  Any the hoo!  Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer.  I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth.  WAPU!  (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self:  Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song?  So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved?  I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50.  Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400.  What’s your craptcher doing?

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking).  It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.

Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks.  He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer.  Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70.  This year, it’s 1.80/7.20.  Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313.  Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful):  1. Braun — Fine.  2. Miggy — Fine.  3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful.  4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power.  5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.

Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP.  Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball?  The 1971 O’s?  The 1920 White Sox?  The 1889 Spiders?

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12.  He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game.  Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo.  Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist.  Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him?  So bonkers.  Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves?  “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”

Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball:  All Saves, All the Time.  Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save.  Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan.  You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!

Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List.  We may never see him again in the under four epoch.  Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off.  I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.

Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did?  Do you really need to ask?  Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya.  He blew the save.  It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.

Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues.  His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next.  Yes, please and thank you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat.  Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.

Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A.  Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.

Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.

Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms.  Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up.  Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday.  Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend.  In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.

Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer.  All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL.  Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday.  Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him.  Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00.  It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games.  Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done.  Bunyan’s still got some lumber.  Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays.  Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average.  It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick.  And something will stink.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks.  On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89.  It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy.  Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.

Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June.  I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer.  Or 4 homers in the last week.  Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL.  Things that make you go hmm…

Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand.  The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today.  Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.

Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns.  Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.

Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Marginer!

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.

Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save.  It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps.  Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”

I hate these stupid beyotchabatukises too.  No love lost here!  Though I’m not sure if that means you love someone or you hate them.  I’m trying to think the last time I heard someone say no love lost and if they were saying it happily or angrily.  I think it was angrily, but they might have had no idea what they were talking about either.  Well, with love lost or not, I still want a 3rd baseman earlier on.  I’d prefer to not have to take a flyer from these schmohawks.  Though they are different levels of schmo-ness.  Some are definitely less schmo-y.  As mentioned in my 2nd basemen to target or was it 1st basemen to target or catchers to target, in one of those I mentioned how if a position is deep I want a top guy unless it’s pitchers.  Yeah, if the position is shallow, I don’t want a flyer.  I’d prefer to have a flyer where most have flyers.  This is contrary to popular opinion; maybe I’ll win a Pulitzer for this shizz.  Speaking of Pulitzers, I had dinner recently with someone who won a Pulitzer.  I can’t even spell Pulitzer without the spellchecker.  Anyone who can spell it, should win it.  They only mentioned their Pulitzer three times over the course of two hours.  I would’ve been wearing the Pulitzer medallion around my neck (is it a medallion?).  I would put my name in to a restaurant hostess as “Pulitzer.”  When a waiter came by for our drink orders, I would ask for a whiskey with a splash of Pulitzer.  The Pulitzer person was now working at US Weekly.  I asked if they won the Pulitzer for their Octamom coverage.  They weren’t amused.  This list is 3rd basemen that can be had later in your drafts.  Look at this as a supplement to the top 20 3rd basemen of 2012 fantasy baseball.  Where applicable, click on the players name to read more about them or to see their 2012 projections.  Anyway, here’s some 3rd basemen to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Ian Stewart – Can you believe I didn’t write a sleeper post about Ian Stewart?  Yes, I’ve written one about him for the last three years.  I meant, can you believe I didn’t write one this year?  You know what that means, right?  This is the year he finally puts his shizz together and earns his Mini Mini Donkey brays.

Danny Valencia – I wrote a sleeper post about Valencia but I haven’t posted it yet because, frankly, I’m not sure I ever will.  Just not sure how much I want to endorse him.  This says a lot about Danny Valencia.  Maybe I’ll post the Valencia sleeper article the same day I post my Leonys Martin sleeper post that I’m also not sure if I’m ever going to publish.

Mike Moustakas – In a whole mess of fairly uninspiring sleeper/3rd basemen to target, here’s a name that’s got me excitakas.  He had a solid September last year and could shoot the rankings for next year.

Mat Gamel – I am a time traveler.  True story.  And I come from the future.  In the future, I listened to the Brewers play-by-play of Gamel playing first.  It went like this.  “That’s a dribbler to first to end the inning… Ooh, got through the ol’ wickets.  Gamel chases the ball up the line… Grabs it and throws the ball into the stands?  Hmm… He was facing the wrong way.  Mistake anyone could make.  Now he’s going into the stands to retrieve the ball… Batter is rounding home, Gamel grabs… What I believe is a soda, nachos combo… And throws it home!  Ooh, runner is in just under the tag with the umpire screaming, ‘That’s nacho ball!’”

Lonnie Chisenhall – The Indians should have a Chiz in the Hall day where all fans dressed in drag get in free.  I just thought of that, but you can have it Indians marketing team, it’s yours.  Right now, Asdrubal is penciled into the three hole.  Luckily, they’re using pencil cause I don’t think that stays.  Asdrubal will move up, Choo will move up, Sizemore will retire, Kipnis will move down, Santana will stay where he is, which leaves Chisenhall batting…  Hmm, I have no idea.  I just got totally confused.  He’ll probably start the season at the bottom of the order, but move up to fifth or sixth by May.

Pedro Alvarez – I think the Pirates give Alvarez every opportunity to succeed, which is not to say he will.  If he does start at 3rd, he still has a dirty/ugly/synonym K-rate and could provide a lot of nothing, which, according to Aristotle, is but a receptacle in which objects of matter can be placed.  One object that could be placed there is McGehee (but if he’s playing 3rd base, he really should go by M.C. Gehee).

We finish off the infield with the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.  The 2012 fantasy baseball rankings from shallowest to deepest go shortstops, third basemen, catchers, 2nd basemen then 1st basemen.  That’s right, I think the catchers and 2nd basemen are deeper than the 3rd basemen.  3rd base gets the gas face.  In 2009, I punted 3rd base for Mark Reynolds late.  Worked out fine.  In 2010, I punted 3rd base for Ian Stewart late.  Didn’t work out fine.  In 2011, I really wanted a top 3rd baseman and punted Jose Bautista while targeting Pedro Alvarez, Ryan Zimmerman and David Wright, which taught me a valuable lesson.  I’m a moron.  (A very hurtful lesson, mind you.)  As with other top 20 rankings, I list where I see tiers beginning and ending and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Jose Bautista – His projections can be found at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Evan Longoria – His projections can be found at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. David Wright – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Reynolds.  I call this tier, “We’re too early in a top 20 for question marks.  So why are there so many question marks?”  Honestly, how many times can we go to this Wright well?  The Wright well hasn’t paid whividends in a whery, whery whong time.  Stupid Elmer Fudd voice in my head.  The one non-scientific stat we have to look at is how he’s alternated good power years with bad ones and in 2012 we’re due for a good one.  Yeah, that’s so non-scientific it’s kinda silly.  The better news is The Great Wall of Flushing is coming down and in.  That’s definitely a cheaper way to acquire offense than signing Pujols or Fielder and more legal than accidentally bumping into players with a steroid needle.  How much the new dimensions will actually affect Wright’s power is threefold.  First fold, his “Just Enough” homers could increase.  Second fold, the park’s size may have got in his head and psychologically he may feel more confident about hitting at Metco and end up hitting more homers.  Third fold, there’s no third fold.  Who ever heard of a third fold?  2012 Projections:  85/24/100/.290/15

4. Adrian Beltre – Great lineup, great ballpark, one man who they call “The Guy Who Brings Them Towels In The Locker Room” sneezes and the whole team goes down with the flu for 15 days.  Yeah, I’m not sure why, but no one on the Rangers gets injured by themselves.  They’re like dominos.  Nelson Cruz goes down, then there goes Hamilton, there goes Kinsler, there goes Beltre… It’s a shame to blame one man but The Guy Who Brings Them Towels In The Locker Room does have shifty eyes.  2012 Projections:  75/28/100/.280/3

5. Pablo Sandoval – After wrestling to lose weight and change his name to Sandrectangle, Pablo embraced his girth and hit 23 homers last year.  Still this guy’s big question mark is where does he find pants that fit him?  Oh, and is the power for real?  It looks like it is plus or minus 2 homers from the 23 last year.  Maybe he can pass his cure of blimpotence over to Billy Butler.  Also, similarly to Butler, Sandoval’s got a way with the good average.  After a flukey injury sidelined him last year expect a nice step forward.  2012 Projections:  80/27/95/.320/3

6. Ryan Zimmerman – In my special no-no area, I have a tingling sensation that Zimmerman’s about to have a huge year.  He’s 27, an age when hitters really hit their prime, and he’s proven before that he can hit 30+ homers if he stays healthy.  Mummify him in bubble wrap and send him out to take grounders!  2012 Projections:  80/27/100/.290/5

7. Brett Lawrie – Yeah, I ranked him pretty high.  We’re going to talk about two hypothetical scenarios.  First scenario has you drafting Lawrie before your leaguemates.  All your leaguemates groan, they all wanted him.  Lawrie starts off the season slow and people are glad they didn’t draft him.  (Or he starts off fast.  Either scenario work for this scenario.  We’ll call these Scenarios 1A and 1B.)  Then he turns things around in 1A, everyone wants him.  Or he continues pounding the ball in 1B and everyone still wants him.  You could trade him for a much more valuable piece or you can ride the wave.  Second scenario (2A), you draft Aramis, he gets hurt in May and no one wants him, not even you.  Then Aramis comes back and hits, but still no one wants him because people don’t trust him to stay healthy.  Or (2B) you trade Aramis for less than his worth because you just want to be done with him and then he continues to hit and you get an ulcer.  In 1A and 1B, you have Lawrie or whatever you want (within reason and depending on what your state constitution allows).  In 2A, you have a piece you don’t even want and an ulcer (2B).  I also went over my Brett Lawrie 2012 fantasy.  2C click the link. 2012 Projections:  90/20/70/.290/24

8. Alex Rodriguez – When I was doing my research for A-Rod, I was looking through some of his past years — 52 homers, 18 steals in 2001, 57 homers and 9 steals in 2002 — how again did we not know there was steroids in baseball?  I mean, every BBWAA member is saddened and disheartened and synonym now when they talk about these players besmirching the good name of baseball.  Why weren’t they saddened etc. when it was going on?  Wasn’t it obvious?  I wasn’t bothered because during these years I was smoking weed.  Was every BBWAA member high?  Any the hoo!  A-Rod’s presumably clean of the clear now, but his body is breaking down because of the years on it.  That’s his question mark.  Can he stay healthy?  I have my doubts.  2012 Projections:  70/24/85/.270/5

9. Aramis Ramirez – When Aramis signed with the Brewers, I went over my Aramis fantasy.  I wrote it while karaoking to Air Supply’s Even the Nights are Better.  2012 Projections:  75/25/95/.295

10. Kevin Youkilis – Okay, basically no 3rd baseman can stay healthy.  I think something that gets lost in the Sawx hype is The Greek God of Can’t Walk Half The Time has hit less than 20 homers over more seasons than he’s hit above 25 homers and has never hit more than 29 homers.  Pablo Sandoval, who’s 7 years younger than him, has as many 20+ homer seasons.  Youuuuuuk is a good name for people who like names.  For people who like players to actually hit, he’s not as good.  2012 Projections:  75/19/85/.270/3

11. Michael Young -  Went over Young’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

12. Mark Reynolds – Went over Reynolds’s projections in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

13. Emilio Bonifacio – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Roberts.  I call this tier, “You should draft someone else.” Went over Bonifacio’s projections at the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

14. Ryan Roberts – Went over Roberts’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

15. Mike Moustakas – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Stewart.  I call this tier, “The good news, but it comes with degrees of risk.”  This is the good news because 3rd base is about to get infusion of talent.  To use a phrase that sounds like a cliche, brighter days are on the horizon.  Whether it’s Moose, Valencia, Stewart or Gamel, one or more of these guys should provide sneaky value.  Obviously not all of them will, so choose wisely.  I wrote a Moustakas 2012 fantasy post already.  It’s six parts brilliant and one part dumb.  It’s up to you decide which is which.  2012 Projections:   60/20/80/.270/4

16. Danny Valencia – Valencia, California is also known non-ironically as Awesometown.  So I suggest we call him Danny Awesometown.  Makes you more excited about Valencia, doesn’t it?  No?!  Geez, you’re tough.  How about the fact he can hit almost 20 homers and get maybe three steals?  That gets you going, doesn’t it?  All right, how about Danny Might-Be-Solid-Considering-How-Late-You-Can-Draft-Him-town?  2012 Projections:  75/18/85/.265/3

17. Mat Gamel – Here’s what I said earlier this offseason, “No one likes Mat Gamel.   The Brewers wanted to try Gamel in Spring Training last year and he was 30 pounds overweight.  Lay off the mayonnaise, doode.  His Triple-A manager said he’s “hard-headed.”  (No one ever said that of Justin Morneau.)  I get this feeling with a beat provided by will.i.am that Gamel is gonna go the way of Matt Murton.  I hope he doesn’t.  I hope he gets a real shot at 1st base in Spring Training.  I think now that McGehee is gone he will.  Even if all Gamel does is hit homers and make errors.  In 2007, Milwaukeeans called that The Braun Exacta.  I propose the Brewers correct Gamel’s defensive problems similar to how the Rockies went to the humidor.  They should put The Vacuum in Miller Park.  Whenever the visiting team is hitting, you turn The Vacuum to suck and watch as everything is hit to the left side.  The Vacuum sucks so Gamel doesn’t blow.  He had another great year at Triple-A — 28 homers, .310.  He looks like he’s more than ready with the bat.  Definitely will be someone I’ll look at late in drafts for my corner infidel spot.  Could get a cheap 25 homers and a .290 average.”  And that’s me quoting me!  In the end, Gamel is either going to give you 25 homers or 2 homers and you have to drop him because he’s lost the job.  2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.290

18. Ian Stewart – Incredibly, I’m willing to give Mini Mini Donkey one more chance, especially if he’s being drafted late enough.  For a late round flyer what does Stewart have over, say, Pedro Alvarez?  He’s had a full season where he hit 25 homers.  That’s one.  Why him over, say, Freese?  Same reason.  Over Prado?  Same reason.  Stewart also his sneaky 7 to 10 steal speed like his mentor, Mini Donkey. 2012 Projections:  60/24/75/.245/7

19. David Freese – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Edwin Encarnacion.  I call this tier, “My New Year’s Resolution was to not see the movie New Year’s Eve and to draft a 3rd baseman before this tier.”  2011 World Series MVP David Freese has little power, no speed and the hype of changing his name to 2011 World Series MVP David Freese.  Oh, and he can’t stay healthy.  Sounds like he should be the mayor of Awesometown.  2012 Projections:  55/15/65/.290

20. Martin Prado -  The other day Prado showed up at my window singing The Promise by When In Rome.  He was trying to curry favor with me because he knows that his lack of power and speed makes me not want to draft him ever.  When he was done singing, I still didn’t want to draft him but I did invite him in for some risotto.  I have a big heart!  2012 Projections:  80/12/70/.300/5

After the top 20 3rd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s lots of names, but these five stand out:

Edwin Encarnacion – He’s either going to stay healthy and hit .250 with 25 homers or get hurt and have 15 homers and .250.  In most leagues, you’re not going to hold onto him if you draft him so why bother?  Go for upside with someone else.  2012 Projections:  60/20/70/.255/3

Scott Sizemore – UPDATE:  OUT FOR THE YEAR You really shouldn’t have Sizemore on your team outside of AL-Only leagues, and even there he leaves a lot to be desired.  Here’s the deal — dealio, if you’re trying to sound hip but aren’t really — 3rd base is not a deep position and if you’re this deep you don’t have many options.  Sizemore had his best season last year with a 11/5 season and that looked like it was ceiling, and with a ceiling like that who needs floors? (<–I think that makes sense.  Think about it.)  2012 Projections:  65/10/70/.260/7

Lonnie Chisenhall – I already went over my Lonnie Chisenhall fantasy.  I counted six typos.  2012 Projections:  65/20/80/.250/3

Casey McGehee – Casey McGehee is a Baha Man.  He was a guy who looked destined to be a utility man, had a huge season and people started inserting Casey McGehee into the poem, Casey at the Bat.  Turned out he was a utility man who lucked into a big season and those same people wished they didn’t use pen when inserting his name into the poem, so they changed McGehee to MacDonald and told everyone they did a mash-up of Casey at the Bat and Old MacDonald.  2012 Projections:  60/16/70/.260

Pedro Alvarez -  Yes, Casey McGehee might steal his playing time.  What I think actually happens is Alvarez or McGehee goes to first base and the other plays — I don’t know — third base.  Last year all went wrong for PeAl (hmm, that nickname doesn’t really work).  The first year he had a 30.8% K-rate, but he was buoyed by a .341 BABIP.  When his BABIP came back to earth, his K-rate left a crater the size of the Grand Canyon in his average.  He needs to cut back on his Ks or he’s going to be back in the minors, carrying his own bags and staying in dumps with no running water.  Well, that sorta sounds like nice hotels in Pittsburgh, but you catch my drift.  2012 Projections:  60/18/75/.240

This will be the last time I mention Logan Morrison for some time.  Hashtag that.   Not that I don’t like him, it’s just I’ve given him enough press, assuming the word ‘press’ still makes sense even though I’m dictating this post to a Montessori-taught monkey that I’ll occasionally catch looking at me like he wants to kill me and take over Razzball, which makes dictating that even more awkward.  Imagine in 300 years when they find this post in a time capsule with Snooki’s poof.  They’ll read that monkey sentence and think they’ve figured out the major problem with our society was we had monkeys taking dictation only to be disappointed when they read this sentence.  Sorry, future reader!  We’re more complicated than that!  Whoa, that was a major sidetrack.  So Morrison was sent down because he needed to “work on all aspects of being a Major Leaguer,” which basically meant he used to grab his farts and throw them at Hanley.  If someone dropped Morrison when he was demoted, I’d go ahead and re-add him.  Or have your monkey re-add him for you.  I’m kidding, future reader, our monkeys don’t manage our fantasy teams.  They only give advice which we decide whether or not to follow.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Kyle Seager – The other day I compared him to Omar Infante.  I’ll see that comparison and raise him Martin Prado.  Personally, I don’t like guys like Infante or Prado outside of NL-Only leagues, but I also don’t like people who write personally either, so there’s that.  I’m a contradiction wrapped inside of lazy writing pitfalls.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Picking up Kouzmanoff leaves a fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term) in a spirited debate with themselves over God, free will, morality and why there aren’t any other 3rd basemen to pick up.

Jose Lopez – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  This week’s third basemen pickups remind me of the Bottle Rockets song, “1000 Dollar Car.”  To quote, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”

Danny Valencia – Hitting .333 over the last week with 2 homers.  Hmm… Just had deja vu.  Weird.

Jimmy Paredes – Leave it to the Astros to promote a guy straight from Double-A who wasn’t even playing that well.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he’s hitting right now, has speed and good position eligibility.

Eric Young Jr. – I’m unabashedly a fan, if I’m using the word unabashedly right.

Jeremonio Affirezo – That’s a portmanteau of Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla and Ramon Ramirez, i.e. the closerousel in San Fran.  Ram-Ram seemed like the first choice, but he didn’t look good on Wednesday and Casilla got the save.  But II, The Return of But, Romo returns this weekend.  But III, This But Is Gonna Be Huge, Affeldt could see saves if the ninth is mostly lefties.

Bobby Parnell – He’s getting saves for the Mets and he can win you a SpongeBob at a carnival with his 102 MPH fastball.

Steve Cishek – I just went over my Cishek fantasy.  I wrote it while eating the marshmallows out of my Lucky Charms.

Mike Minor – Has 52 Ks in 55 2/3 IP! *whispering fast*  With a 1.49 WHIP and 4.37 ERA.  *loud again*  Next he gets the Mets and the Dodgers.  Not in the same start.  Who is he, Joel Youngblood?

Stephen Strasburg – Set to return on September 6th.  Don’t Washington-area seismologists have enough to do?

Brandon Allen – After his two homer game, Bob Melvin said Allen would be the starter for the foreseeable future.  As long as his foreseeable replacement is Conor Jackson, Allen should play.  Sorry, CoJack, I don’t love you, baby.

John Mayberry Jr. – Charlie Manuel hinted that Mayberry could see everyday playing time even after Ibanez returns, saying, “Time comes when tadpoles gotta frog up.  Now where’s Utley’s pomade?  I gotta slide outta my uniform.”

Lucas Duda – Since August 14th, he has 4 homers.  Terry Collins knows when he’s got a good thing.  Like at 3rd base and shortstop when Reyes returns.  Duda’s a 20 homer guy if he plays all year.  Kinda like a poor man’s Willingham.  Or a Willingspam.

SELL

Gaby Sanchez – No Gaby Gaby!

Trevor Cahill – Has a 7.00 ERA post-All-Star break.  I’m thinking you can probably find that off waivers from someone else.  It’s a hunch, ya’ll!

Bobby Abreu – He’s over 60% owned in ESPN leagues, so he made my imaginary self-imposed cut off that I occasionally ignore.  What good is an imaginary self-imposed cut off that isn’t self-imposed?  Nada, nada, nada damn thing.

Justin Morneau – Right now, it’s kinda sad the way you keep going back to him.  The relationship is hurting both of you.  It reminds me of a line from my upcoming, breakout Middle East rap song, “Why can’t we get together and take it easy… I’ll be your Qaddafi, if you’ll be my Condoleezza.”

Despite Ronnie’s warnings, I fell in love with the Jor-Z, sure.  I still like him a lot.  You can totally Control-Alt-Delete this opening in keeper leagues too.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Jordan Zimmermann is going to be shut down in the next month.  The Nats are saying maybe another 6 or 7 starts.  That’s — how do I say this? — not good.  The inning limit is 160, he’s now at 108 2/3 IP.  If he gets to 158 IP in 7 starts, are they going to send him out for 2 more innings in his 8th start? Why are you bothering me, Random Italicized Voice?  S’s and g’s, G. Next year, they have the House of Strasburg returning and they want to be healthy.  If you have a leaguemate who’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade to trade away J-Z.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun?  He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother.  He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton.  Call him Upton Sinclair.  As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout.  They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.”  He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream.  He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line.  Prospects don’t get much better.  In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average.  Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year.  When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors.  I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.

Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home.  2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home.  I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios.  And I wouldn’t have Liriano.  Win-win.

Jason Vargas – I could’ve put Fister here, and, actually by saying that, I am putting Fister here.  Two Mariners pitchers that will lose 2-1 games for the price of 1.  No decision-no decision.

Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer.  Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.

Zack Cozart – I just went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my back.

Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  Friend, that is creepy.

Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far:  30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8.  First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues.  You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad.  Yeah, you.

Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia!  Hola!  Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt.  He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter.  So keep it going for Danny Valencia!

Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags.  Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.

Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases.  Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute?  (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)

Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later.  That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

SELL

Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess!  I’m so done with the Mets.  They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods.  Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months!  Wright is day-to-day with a broken back –  he’s never returning!  You think Johan’s ever coming back?  I’m being serious.  They built Metco on a haunted cemetery.  Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it.  Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August.  If you can find someone — read:  sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.

Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today.  His numbers:  36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco.  Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.

Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly.  Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps.  No!  Not Aramis.  He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks.  You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now.  I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.