Daniel Murphy is the hottest homophobe since Kirk Cameron got three offers in one week for three different Christian movies, “A Behind…Left Behind,” “Groundhog’s Day Is For Satanists, God Makes The Seasons,” and “Make Me Dinner Woman, And No Leftovers.”  Daniel Murphy’s hotter than Kim Davis looks to lesbians looking for a challenge.  Daniel Murphy is hotter than Ted Nugent’s nougat, which he has to heat to 214 degrees to get the sugar to melt.  Yesterday, Murphy went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer while hitting .398 on the year.  I’m not saying we need to throw Ted Williams’s head in the microwave to defrost, but we may want to leave it on the counter to slowly bring it to room temperature.  Okay, Murphy’s BABIP is absurdly high (.427), which means he’s hitting about a hundred points too high, so his average will come down.  He’s also not hitting for a ton of power, so it’s a good story right now for the MLB that their hottest hitter is a bigot — The Ghost of Ty Cobb, “That sounds rad.” — but it’ll end eventually.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Matthew Wisler threw a gem yesterday — 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.24.  Or if you like portmanteaus and/or vomit — Matthrew up a gem.  By the by, after anyone says their name is Matthew, do you always want to say, “Gesundheit?”  “Name for the cup?”  “Matthew.”  “Wow, it’s allergy season, huh?”  That’s me as a barista, a job I never had.  I’ve actually held one real job in my entire life.  I’m like Mark Cuban without the money.  Since I own Wisler in more leagues than I care to admit, I watched the whole game.  Prolly first time I watched one of my pitchers while listening to the opposing broadcast, but you cannot beat the Mets announcers for a broadcast booth or for stories about insane cocaine intake in the 80s.  Wisler was dancing a 94 MPH fastball just at the knees, spinning a backdoor curve that had Neil Walker look more like Neil Statue.  Duda?  Go take a doodie, it’d be more productive than facing Wisler!  Asdrubal?  Well, he actually hit the ball hard.  Quite a few Mets did.  It was like, “Matthew!  Damn, I think I caught something,” and the Braves would look up with a ball in their glove.  So, Wisler’s performance last night was a gorgeous line, but I wouldn’t go near him outside of the deepest of leagues.  In shallower leagues, Matthew?  God bless you for last night, but I don’t need those tissues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

In the offseason, I experimented with a new rankings system. After a several iterations of trial and error, I finally arrived at a solution that yielded favorable results. Even though we are only about eight games into the 2016 season, I decided to give the system a test run. The saying “size matters” definitely comes into play in this case. Approximately 28 plate appearances for a hitter is barely enough to scratch the surface. Projecting based on these numbers is more of a fool’s errand than a productive endeavor, but far be it from me to avoid the opportunity to be a fool.

For those wondering how the system ranks players, I’ll give you the 30,000 foot view. Employing multiple points scoring systems I use both year-to-date and projected stats to calculate points. For each scoring system I then rank the players by position. I then take all the rankings for each player and average them to give each player a ranking. Finally I sort the players based on their average rankings.

As we move deeper into the season I will provide a much fuller and detailed list of rankings, but for today I am just going to give you the top five hitters at each position.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I don’t know where it’s coming from with Jeremy Hazelbaker, so I called Keith Morrison of Dateline to investigate.  He went to St. Louis to investigate and left me this message, “Here, in bucolic St. Louis, all seemed right in the world.  Jeremy had just married his high school sweetheart, and they were on a honeymoon of a lifetime when the unthinkable happened.”  I picked up the phone, because I use an old school answering machine, “Keith, St. Louis isn’t bucolic, and I’m not looking for a suspicious murder scenario.  I want to know who Jeremy Hazelbaker is for fantasy baseball.”  Keith continued, “The neighbors had nothing but nice things to say about the couple.  But they didn’t see the dark side.”  “Keith, yesterday, Hazelbaker went 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and is hitting .526 through a week’s worth of games and hitting 2nd on most days.  Can he continue it?”  “Only that wasn’t pine tar on his bat, it was iron-rich blood.  Coming up after the break–”  So, I don’t know how the Cardinals do this with outfielders every year.  These outfielders that just come out of nowhere to be fantasy relevant; I will call them, The Sons of Ludwick.  Will it continue for Hazelbaker?  It seems highly unlikely.  He profiles as a 5-7 HR, 15-17 SB guy who might hit .245.  But, ya know what, I don’t need to know where it’s coming from or if it will continue to own Hazelbaker, as I now do in a few leagues.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We’re finally starting to settle into the season!  The Opening Week jitters are gone, and while we still say “small sample size” on everything – it’s not the size of the data but how you use it!

With starting pitching, most guys have only made their first start on the year – a few top-of-the-rotation guys have made two – so unless you see something drastic, you’re not panicking.  And full disclosure, I wrote this intro before Joe Ross‘s first start, so admittedly I am a little nervous…  I have several shares of Ross – on all my redrafts teams, I ranked him crazy high, he’s going to have my first born child…  But whatever happens, it’s still only one start!  This is one of the most nerve-racking Pitcher Profiles I’ve done!

My heavy investment in Ross made him an easy choice to break down for the first Profile on the young season, so here’s how he looked on Sunday afternoon hosting the Marlins, after having his start Saturday night postponed:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’ve begun working on a program that aims to harness the collective super powers of some of the greatest minds in the last five hundred years. Think of it as a digital hybrid of Nate Silver, Tom Tango, Billy Beane, Kenny Powers and Nostradamus. The beta version, however, was just Powers and Nostradamus. I called it Nostradumbass. According to its calculations I was supposed to draft Adam LaRoche, Torii Hunter and Reggie Jackson. Now call me old fashioned, but if I’m going to get screwed, I’d at least like to get dinner out of the deal. The only guaranteed prediction you can make from those suggestions is that my team is going to suck. If something is a “guaranteed” prediction, is it really a prediction? The aforementioned players project to zero fantasy points for the remainder of the season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I have no doubt James Joyce would be proud to be mentioned in a Razzball opening, even before his great great nephew Matt Joyce is for this season. What, I shouldn’t assume they’re related? What, I’m showing cultural appropriation? And misogyny? And assuming gender roles that are antiquated according to our day and time?!?! Wow, it really has been a while since I wrote on the Razz. Did we move from wordpress to tumblr? I guess at this point I should reference the book I referenced in the title but I mean, it took James 19 years to actually finish the thing, I ain’t reading that. If you don’t wanna finish it in a reasonable amount of time, I don’t wanna read it. Time is money and all that…speaking of, queue the awkward segue! Let’s talk Brandon Finnegan. When the Cueto trade dropped and the collective dust settled, Finnegan along with John Lamb and Cody Reed were sent to the Reds for some of Cueto’s worst career numbers. Fair trade! But more to the point, B-Fin as I lovingly call him – and will also lovingly call him when he’s straight beefin’ against the Phillies – was considered the prize of said trade and methinks we get to see a glimpse of the why. Other than general expected improvement across the board from the young Phillies team, Brandon shouldn’t be overly matched in his season debut. Though I’d steer clear in cash, Finnegan makes a fine upside K tourney play and at $6,300, he leaves you with plenty of cash to spend up elsewhere, weather permitting (sighs). So to wrap up the opening, don’t read Finnegans Wake, tumblr is full of social justice warriors, and Brandon should have a good day. Use the information that helps you best…and with that we’re off. So let’s get to my Skyline Chili hot takes for this Wednesday DK slate (if Skyline Chili is even hot, I honestly don’t know; it sounds gross)…

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*takes a long inhale*  “You smell that, Roberta?  You, with the yellow-stained armpits and sweatpants, I’m calling you Roberta.  That’s baseball you smell.  In its infinite complexity and finite simplicity.  The foul lines whiter than any Lohan mirror.  The grass?  Manicured better than any Vietnamese lady could.  The object of the game?  Accumulate the most stats so I win my fantasy league.  Simple, yet complex.  Like trying to understand Jeff Foxworthy’s appeal.  From today forward, this is our Independence Day (from all that other shizz in our life).”  The preceding was Bill Pullman visiting the set of Field of Dreams.  To that end, Roberta and your long-flowing sideburns, if the idea is to win saves, that difficulty intensifies when you draft Ken Giles and Luke Gregerson becomes the closer.  That’s funny, because the Astros beat writer the other day said GILES IS THE CLOSER.  Caps his, not mine.  I know how to shut off my caps lock.  So, now that GILES IS THE SETUP MAN, I would GRAB Gregerson in EVERY league, though, if it’s competitive, he’s likely GONE by NOW.  No idea why Giles is NOT the CLOSER.  My GUESS is the Astros went OUT and GOT Giles withOUT their manager, A.J. Hinch, agreeing, so Hinch IS now BEING petulANT.  I’d prefer if he were petulANT with A closER I DO NOT OWN.  Hey, it looks like I’m typing this on a busted Smith-Corona.  Fun.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Mad Max Fury Road was a wildly loud, hard, smoking fastball that has everything in common with our Heterochromia Max that will be starting today against the Atlanta not so Braves. Opening Day? Check. Nitromethane? Check. Mad Max? Check. Fire? Check. Blood? Ehh, possibly. I know J-Foh and I have some Nitro on tap, but if you’re only 3 for 5 don’t worry it’s baseball. You’re hitting .600 like Polanco through the first game of the season and it’s OPENING DAY! Welcome Razzballers to the first (technically the second) 2016 Draftkings Post!! There’s not going to be a ton of analytics today because ummm, it’s the first day of the season, but I do have a few tricks up my sleeve that should pay off for you. “You’ve got the best crew in the world standing in front of you, give them a reason to stay” Vin Diesel, Fast & Furious 6. I’m sure you’re asking yourself right now, “Why is he quoting a Fast & Furious movie?” Guilty pleasure, fo sho, but more importantly it’s a disclaimer to you, our DK readers. Sky (the DFS mastermind behind the scenes) has put together an unbelievable All-Star team of daily experts that are going to spend EVERY DAY of the season throwing down some moneymaking knowledge on yo asses. Sharpen your pencils or iPads and lets get to work. We’re going to make it real simple for you, whether you’re a first timer or a seasoned veteran. Read our analysis EVERY DAY, set your team and take everyone else’s money. Sound Good? Great, Let’s get started.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’re not a fan of The Walking Dead or haven’t watched last week’s episode, then you can just skip this paragraph. Am I that only one that cheered when that arrow shot through Denise’s eye? That was awesome. Her insufferable rant made me want to jump into the television and drop the People’s Elbow on that thang. Thankfully the writers took care of that for me. I also loved seeing Daryl reunited with his crossbow. Welcome back! With only two episodes left I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to see what will happen. Here’s my theory. A major character has to die. It’s happened every season. So who’s going to die? My money is on Glen. Here’s why? The writers have already teased his death. Back in episode 3 “Thank You” Glen appeared to meet his demise after he fell off the dumpster. It wasn’t until episode 7 “Heads Up“, four weeks later, that we found out he survived. I believe the writers were testing the waters to see how the fans would react to killing off Glen. That’s my theory. With that said, if they kill off Daryl I’m going to lose my sh*t. Literally!

Please, blog, may I have some more?