Fantasy Baseball Advice

The royal we just went over the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  For those that skipped the title, this post is the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  If you’re looking for the hitters, it’s under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings, which is also at the top of the page.  Barring unusual circumstances, I usually try to grab two starters from this list of twenty.  So I’ll have one starter from the first twenty and two from this, which gives me three.  Math’s been berry, berry good to me!  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Daniel Hudson – This tier started in the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Anibal.  I called this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  In 2011, Hudson’s K/9 was 6.85 as he struck out only 169.  That seems like the absolute basement and I’m banking on him striking out quite a few more guys in 2012.  In Triple-A, he had a K/9 of 10.41 and in 2010 he had 7.93 in the majors.  He had the third fastest, um, fastball in the Senior Circuit, but hitters made decent contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  I expect that’ll change in 2012 and he’ll bump up his K-rate by at least 1.  To show my love, I almost put him in the top 20 starters.  Instead, he’s in an extended tier that started there.  I can only give so much love.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.40/1.18/190

22. Jordan Zimmermann – I’ve ranked Zimmermann on the high side, but I was thinking about how it probably won’t matter.  Last year everyone and their lunch had an ERA under 3.  If that happens again, and I see no reason why it won’t, then there will be dozens of pitchers to own.  You’ll probably be able to draft Greinke, Zimmermann and wait seventy picks.  I’ll go over more about drafting strategy later.  As for Zimmermann, the K-rate will be better this year and if he holds the gains he made with his walk rate, he might just be a top 10 pitcher this year.  Yes, the Nats will be good.  2012 Projections:  14-6/3.25/1.15/170

23. Matt Garza – In 2009, Garza had a K/9 of 8.38 for the Rays.  I mention this so it doesn’t seem that outlandish to think he can repeat his K/9 from last year of 8.95.  Is he as sexy a name as the others in this tier?  Nope.  Can he be as productive?  Maybe more so.  I wouldn’t let it worry me too much that Epstein seems absolutely dead set on moving Garza.  Shizz happens as Forret Gump invented, don’t let it play too much into your drafting.  2012 Projections:  12-10/3.40/1.25/190

24. Anibal Sanchez – I shocked myself with this ranking.  Nearly fell off my Barclay Lounger!  Anibal was that good last year?  He (she?) was!  His K/9 of 9.26 and BB/9 of 2.93 were the best rates of his career.  Is there a chance he goes back into the junk drawer this year?  I guess, but why?  He’ll be 28 years old and entering his third full year, if you exclude his early years when he bounced back and forth between the minors and majors, battling injuries.  I love Anibal this year and I’m not sure if that should make me feel uncomfortable because of his gender-confusing first name.  I’m gonna type up a manifesto about my Anibal love in the weeks to come.  I may even type it up using only the blinks of my eyes to show how dedicated I am.  He is the Marlins’ ace.  Screw Josh Johnson and the stretcher he rode in on!  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.24/190

25. Josh Johnson – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Hanson.  I call this tier, “The ‘perts that are taking these guys are puff, puff, puffing; I’m passing.”  Josh Johnson and his porn star brother, Gosh, can show up at my house and plead their case for me drafting Johnson, and I will not.  Because of injury risk, I’m down on Johnson.  Okay, maybe I could’ve reworded that.  Someone can tattoo how healthy Johnson will be this year on the inside of my eyelids and I’ll ignore it.  I will not read one single “He’s healthier than he’s ever been in his life!” report from Spring Training.  Maybe we’ll see each again in 2013.  For now, I’m like John Bobbitt and I’m without Johnson.  2012 Projections:  10-3/2.75/1.05/100 in 110 IP

26. Ian Kennedy – My feelings against Kennedy aren’t quite as extreme as Johnson.  He’s just being overdrafted because of his 21 wins from last year.  If he had 15 wins, no one would’ve said anything about him not being in the top 20.  Who knew there were so many Murray Chasses (Chassi?) out there.  He’ll be lucky to get 15 wins this year.  Also, you throw in the fact he’s more of a 3.50 ERA pitcher than a 2.88 ERA that he was in 2011 and it’s yet another reason to avoid.  Will he shat the bed?  I guess it depends on what he eats, but I doubt it.  He made improvements on his K-rate and walk rate, but I still don’t trust him for where he’s being drafted and won’t pay the price.  And for all those haters who think I’m stupid for avoiding Kennedy, I go back to the fact there are a gazillion, give or take a million, starters to choose from.  If I’m having concerns about one guy, you’ll excuse me if I avoid him and take one of the other gazillion (plus or minus a million) pitchers.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.50/1.12/180

27. Yu Darvish – I already went over my Yu Darvish fantasy.  It’s sexy and I know it.  2012 Projections:  14-7/3.60/1.10/190

28. Josh Beckett – Red State Jeter is just too flaky for me.  One year — 2.89 ERA; another year — 5.78 ERA.  What he actually is is (stutterer!) a 3.75 ERA pitcher.  What side of the 3.75 ERA bed Beckett wakes up no one knows, except for maybe some country singer no one’s ever heard of.  2012 Projections:  14-9/3.60/1.20/185

29. Ricky Romero – For full disclosure purposes — or porpoises if dolphins are reading — I almost put Romero in the sexy name tier.  He seemed to fit in there better than Garza, but when it came down to it, I wanted Garza more than I wanted Romero.  Last year, Romero had an ERA of 2.92 but an xFIP of 3.80.  Romero — what a joker!  His K-rate two of the last three years has been 7.13 and 7.12.  Um, they’re okay.  Finally, a cool name and an uncanny resemblance to LL Cool J does not make him sexy for fantasy.  Sorry, RR Cool Jay.  2012 Projections:  13-12/3.75/1.20/170

30. James Shields – Shields and Beckett are tomato-tomato with a different emphasis.  Good Ks, all over the map with their ERAs.  What I’m looking for from starters is the most trustworthy names I can find (even if Gallardo and Greinke don’t feel trustworthy).  Like a 1800′s soldier who just saw his first gun fired, I just don’t trust Shields.   2012 Projections:  13-11/3.70/1.25/190

31. Tommy Hanson – I felt like mmmdropping Hanson even lower, but settled on him here in a tier where I’m saying others are drafting these guys before me, i.e., I won’t own them, I before E except in Teixeira, I hope everyone can follow to not draft Hanson.  Think Hanson can be a Cy Young-type for many years, but I don’t trust his shoulder to be right this year.  I doubt 200 regular season innings is going to improve that.  2012 Projections:  9-7/3.75/1.20/130 in 120 IP

32. Matt Moore – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Luebke.  I call this tier, “Yummo!”  I already went over my Matt Moore fantasy.  I wrote it while buying a Pacman-shaped potato chip on eBay.  2012 Projections:  10-7/3.15/1.20/160 in 150 innings

33. Max Scherzer – I already went over my Max Scherzer 2012 fantasy.  There’s lots of love in that post.  If you read it in the dark, you can almost feel my erection.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.70/1.30/195

34. Ubaldo Jimenez – Look at me giving Ubaldo another chance.  I’m one forgiving ess oh bee (except when it comes to Brian Bonsall ruining Family Ties).  Last year Ubaldo held his K-rate from his terrific season in 2010, but just had a bit of crappy luck.  I don’t expect a sub-3 ERA, but he’s also not the 4.68 ERA guy he was last year.  If I’m right, this is good news for all the Colorado-area parents that named their kids after Ubaldo back in 2010.  The bad news, they have to move to Cleveland.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.27/190

35. Shaun Marcum – Member when March Grey said Marcum would start the 2011 All-Star Game?  What a dog-faced fool!  March Grey, “There’s more of me in you than you care to admit!  All of you!”  Look at you grandstanding like you’re Al Pacino.  March Grey, “Hoo-ah!”  Marcum didn’t take a step forward last year like I thought he might with the move to the NL, but he still performed admirably and if he has even the slightest of gains, he’ll have a great year.  If he just repeats last year, it’s still solid.  2012 Projections:  12-8/3.60/1.17/160

36. Brandon Beachy – Here’s a guy that could jump to the top 10 for next year or bomb and become a sleeper for 2013.  If he can turn in 170 innings with his 10+ K/9, you’re looking at a pitcher that is going to exceed this ranking by a lot.  If something sophomore slumpy happens, then you’re gonna have a wasted draft pick on your virtual hands.  Of course, his season may not be that cut and dry and be somewhere between those two predictions.  But what fun is that?  (BTW, there’s no reason to ask why Beachy is below other guys that have worse projections.  Beachy has more risk because of the lack of track record, hence the ranking.)  2012 Projections:  12-7/3.45/1.18/190 in 170 innings

37. Brandon Morrow – I already wrote a Brandon Morrow 2012 fantasy sleeper post.  A real snoozer in the inverse.  2012 Projections:  13-9/3.85/1.28/210

38. Cory Luebke – Out first appearance of a Hodgepadre in the starter rankings.  I can’t believe I haven’t written a sleeper post on Luebke yet, but that’ll all change after I fill my Adderall prescription.  Last year, Luebke had a K-rate of 9.92 and a xFIP of 3.02.  You need more?  You shouldn’t.  But fine, for you anything!  He can control his walks to the tune of under a 2 BB/9, as he did in the minors.  He’s only 26 years old (as of this writing) and he pitches in Petco.  When I say giddy, you say up.  Giddy… Up!  Giddy… Up!  P. Diddy… Up!  Fooled you.  2012 Projections:  9-8/3.25/1.09/170

39. Chris Carpenter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the top 60 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Might be fine, won’t be fine on my teams.”  I’ve never been a fan of Carpenter.  His Ks are solid, his ERAs are solid, his WHIPs are solid.  My dislike is unwarranted, basically.  Right?  Or not right?  He’s only topped 200 Ks once in his career and that was back in 2005 when he threw 241 2/3 innings.  Anyone who owned him last year when he was 1-7 with a 4.47 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP as of June 17th, probably won’t go near him this year either.  We can be friends.  Wait by your phone, I’ll call you.  2012 Projections:  13-10/3.65/1.25/165

40. Johnny Cueto – I’ve liked Cueto since he emerged on the scene.  Liked him even more when he Zabka’d LaRue.  We’re gonna take a break this year.  His peripherals last year were a mess.  6 K/9, 3.90 xFIP, crazy low BABIP… Crouching Cueto, Hidden Dragon Breath Stats.   2012 Projections:  11-6/3.80/1.25/130

So, how’s everyone holding up without baseball every day?  I don’t know what to do with myself!  Yesterday, I wandered into a Starbucks and told the coffeerista about Mike Stanton for 2012.  We’ve gone over the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters and the top 20 starters.  There’s only one of these godforsaken recap posts left before we’re into 2012 fantasy shizz.  You’re welcome.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Madison Bumgarner – Trying to find some info that hasn’t been reported before, I decided to look at some of Bumgarner’s splits vs. his NL West opponents.  I figured he would’ve dominated them and I was going to conclude Giants pitchers are can’t misses because of their most-faced opponents.  Against the Padres (4.24 ERA in 23 1/3 IP), Dodgers (4.11 in 30 2/3 IP!) and Arizona (4.26 in 12 2/3 IP) — hey, metaphorical window, how about you open so I can throw a theory out?  Preseason Rank #46, 2011 Projections: 12-7/3.60/1.25/140, Final Numbers:  13-13/3.21/1.21/191

22. Daniel Hudson – I had so much love for Hudson in the preseason that he kinda needed to compete for the Cy Young to please me.  Instead, he produced respectable numbers but disappointed in the one category that gives me the goose pimples — Ks.  His K-rate dropped from 7.93 to 6.85.  Mr. Obvious, “Yeah, that’s not good.”  Preseason Rank #34, 2011 Projections: 12-9/3.50/1.18/190, Final Numbers:  16-12/3.49/1.20/169

23. Hiroki Kuroda – Definitely the Rodney Dangerfield of major league starters.  Kuroda could’ve been coming off 5 solid starts and I’d have people asking me in the comments if they should hold him.   Hold him, squeeze him, love him.  On an unrelated note, what if Chazz Palminteri became Chastity Palminteri?  Or Chazz Face-Palminteri?  Preseason Rank #39, 2011 Projections: 12-9/3.45/1.18/140, Final Numbers:  13-16/3.07/1.21/161

24. Johnny Cueto – I played a broken record during the season about how Cueto wasn’t a sub-2.50 ERA pitcher.  Not going to play that tune again.  Everyone who owned him got lucky.  Let’s leave it at that.  Preseason Rank #42, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.65/1.26/160, Final Numbers:  9-5/2.31/1.09/104

25. Jeremy Hellickson – Member what I said about Cueto?  No?  I just said it Mr. Short-Term Memory.  He got lucky.  Yeah, Hellickson did too.  In a huge way.  2.95 ERA vs. 4.72 xFIP and a 5.57 K-rate.  Can anyone say Blechellickson?  Sure, you can.  It’s Hellickson with a Blec.  Preseason Rank #64, 2011 Projections:  9-5/3.60/1.10/140, Final Numbers:  13-10/2.95/1.15/117

26. Ryan Vogelsong – As will be a recurring theme that won’t emerge until January of 2012, just about all of the pitchers that ended up in this top 40 that were unranked, I won’t like next year.  Except Pineda.  Vogelsong left a bunch of men on base, walked hitters, didn’t strike out guys… He looked like a fantasy number two but he’s really a four to five.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  13-7/2.71/1.25/139

27. Shaun Marcum – Tale of two pitchers with Marcum and Greinke.  I liked both of them in the preseason and they both produced, but I still felt disappointed by their end of the year numbers.  Hmm, that’s not really a tale.  With Marcum, I gave some lofty expectations, telling you he was going to start the All-Star Game.  Yeah, that turned out as bonkers as it sounded even at the time.  I thought Marcum could step up his K-rate in the NL, instead it took a small step backwards and we were actually lucky to get the ERA we did get.  It worked out; it could’ve easily backfired.  Preseason Rank #33, 2011 Projections: 15-8/3.35/1.15/185, Final Numbers:  13-7/3.54/1.16/158

28. Zack Greinke – He had a 10.54 K/9 and a 2.56 xFIP.  Who are you, Ricky Nolasco?  How dare you try to confuse Murray Chass!   Or Murray Chass Bono.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 15-9/3.50/1.18/200, Final Numbers:  16-6/3.83/1.20/201

29. Jon Lester – One of the biggest disappointments, but at least he wasn’t Liriano.  And you were wondering how long it would be until I mentioned Liriano.  Hey, at least I didn’t mention Morneau.  Oh, wait.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections: 17-9/3.30/1.18/220, Final Numbers: 15-9/3.47/1.26/182

30. Ervin Santana – One of my misses in the preseason.  I was done with him going into 2011 because of his yawnstipating 2010 and 2009.  Now not to turn every square peg into a round one, I wasn’t totally wrong on Ervin.  He outperformed his xFIP (3.93) by a decent amount.  He did produce more ground balls and upped his K-rate ever so slightly.  All in all or some other idiomatic phrase, Ervin gave us some magic.   Preseason Rank #51, 2011 Projections: 13-10/4.30/1.32/150, Final Numbers:  11-12/3.38/1.22/178

31. Gio Gonzalez – In my tier of guys I kinda love for a third starter, there was Marcum, Daniel Hudson, Gio Gonzalez and Volquez.  To one-up Meatloaf, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.  Seriously, everyone talks about how pitchers aren’t predictable, but I do a pretty good job of picking them out.  BTW, this kinda made me laugh, in the preseason I said, “(Gio) went 13 innings over the 30 inning Verducci threshold last year, but Verducci’s a crackpot who told you to avoid F-Her, Latos and Josh Johnson in 2010.”  Ha, Verducci.  What a jizzie-joke.  I wonder if he puts all pitchers under 25 years old on a dart board, or if he puts a picture of the pitcher on the dart and sees if he can hit the board.  Preseason Rank #35, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.60/1.28/195, Final Numbers:  16-12/3.12/1.32/197

32. Javier Vazquez – Then in my tier of guys I kinda l0ve as my fourth starter were Vazquez, Garza, Zimmermann, Hellickson and James McDonald.  Quite a few hits in there too.  Yeah, I did like Vazquez last preseason only to have Rudy badger me to drop him in our 12-team NL-Only league.  A league where middle relievers were owned, forget about finding a starter with a rotation job.  Fongool my life.  Preseason Rank #61, 2011 Projections: 12-10/3.75/1.25/170, Final Numbers:  13-11/3.69/1.18/162

33. Mat Latos – On the Verducci list this year was Latos, Bumgarner, Price, Beachy and Gio Gonzalez.  One of my favorite parts of the offseason is hearing how he justifies the previous year’s misses.  Preseason Rank #19, 2011 Projections: 9-7/3.50/1.10/160, Final Numbers:  9-14/3.47/1.18/185

34. Kyle Lohse – I would’ve had a hard time picking up Lohse in September even after he had 5 solid months.  That’s how much I trust him.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  14-8/3.39/1.17/111

35. Matt Garza – He was in my early season difference between ERA and xFIP articles that told you he was going to be much better, then he went ahead and made me look like a genius.  Though I still can’t spell genius without a spellchecker.  Preseason Rank #62, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.75/1.27/165, Final Numbers:  10-10/3.32/1.26/197

36. Alexi Ogando – God, his Ks were terrible.  I know, I know, it’s only one category.  But they’re not.  They’re a category that every other category can hinge on.  Strike guys out and they don’t get on base and it lowers your ERA and WHIP and gives you a chance for Wins.  Sure, there’s other ways pitchers can get hitters out, but they’re not as straightforward.  I like straightforward!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  13-8/3.51/1.14/126

37. Michael Pineda – Now he struck people out.  I already went over my Michael Pineda 2012 fantasy.  In that article, there’s German women dancing in lederhosen.  BTW, shouldn’t more than one German be Germen?  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  9-10/3.74/1.10/173

38. Justin Masterson – I Cameron Maybin’d Masterson this year.  Was all about him in 2010, but then when I should’ve actually been in on him I Mr. Bungled it.  Though I did recover quickly and ended up with him on some teams because I grabbed him off waivers in April-ish.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  12-10/158/3.21/1.28

39. Cory Luebke – And with a bullet… The first hodgepadre!  Earlier in this post (I think it was this post… Jesus Montero, what am I going on like 1300 words?  Offseason is supposed to be easier for me, crimey a river, Timberlake), I said there’s no unranked pitchers that I will like again next year except Pineda.  Luebke will probably be liked too, depending on January Grey’s mood ring color.  January Grey, “I hocked my mood ring for blow.”  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  6-10/3.29/1.07/154

40. Josh Collmenter – Yeah, Collmenter wasn’t that good.  An under 6 K-rate?  As the French say, “Parlez vous crap.”  (The French don’t say that.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  10-10/3.38/1.07/100

Steve Cishek got the save, but it wasn’t that cut and dry.  Edward Mujica came in for the ninth for the save, but promptly gave up 2 runs.  One person who was nowhere in sight was Leo Nunez and with only 17 people in attendance at Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Blockbuster/Dolphin/Sun Life/Whoever Ponies Up Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium, it’s not hard to find someone.  As of right now, I’d grab Cishek and Mujica, in that order, but yesterday I thought it was the opposite, so it could change at any moment.  Really depends on McKeon or how good his memory still is.  “Let’s warm up Looper!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  From April-June, Vazquez looked like he should’ve retired.  Or returred, if Ludacris is reading this.  Or he looked down right turrible, if Charles Barkley is reading this.  In July, he looked good.  In August, he’s been great.

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer in his return to the Marlins.  He pissed off Florida management by pulling out his iPhone during the home run trot to send out some tweets.  Jack McKeon wondered why he’s fiddling with an abacus.

Wily Mo Pena – 3-for-3 with a HR, 2 runs, and 4 RBIs.  I would not want to go anywhere near Jim Bowden’s keyboard or mouse after he read that box score line.  That said, Pena isn’t assured regular playing time with Seager, Carp, and Trayvon hitting well.  More of a day-to-day matchup play.

Kyle Seager – 4-for-4 and 10 for his last 14.  That’s not a hot schmotato…. This is a hot schmotato!  For right now, Seager reminds me of Omar Infante when he’s on a hot streak.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Rockies called him up.  Why do the Rockies keep taking the A’s discards?  Do they think, “We had success with CarGo.  Why would Mark Ellis and Kouz be any different?”

Bobby Parnell – Got his first save of the year.  Only 299 more to go before the Mets change closers.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2.92 ERA and 1.21 WHIP.  He’s basically Tim Hudson on a bankrupt team, offensively and otherwise.

James Loney – 3-for-5.  He’s been hot (11 for last 17), but I can’t recommend him.  He’s just so…James Loney.  Maybe ask a different fantasy baseball ‘pert if you should pick him up.

Skip Schumaker – 4-for-4 with four singles for the Homeless Man Cycle.

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA is 3.38.  I loved him in the preseason, and he’s actually been about as good as I thought he’d be.  Only I didn’t foresee some pitchers having ERAs in the low 2′s.  If you won’t lower the mound, raise the plate!

Alex Gordon – 1-for-2, 3 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 17 homers and 14 steals.  Having a nice year, but anyone who owned him in previous years can tell you 17 homers and 14 steals turns to 12 homers and 7 steals very easily and you don’t want to own that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Rockies.  In related news, it doesn’t look like Wandy’s gonna be traded to the Rockies.

Brian Bogusevic – 3-for-4.  Picked up where J.D. Martinez left off, which is to say he’ll probably be hot for a few days, unless the Astros move into Coors.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 4th steal in his last four games.  Okay, that’s slightly cherrypicking stats because he got three steals on Saturday, but still if you need steals it’s silly to not plug him in.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with 5 homers in the last ten games.  Whatever Tulo had, CarGo caught it.  Remind me next August to go out and acquire all Rockie hitters.

Colby Rasmus – Will miss two to three days with his jammed wrist.  With his time off, he’s going to throw bags of flaming turds at La Russa’s Prius.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer, ending his 1-for-13 slump.  Maybe he slept with one of the Molina sisters as a slump buster.

Michael Cuddyer – Hit by a pitch on the wrist and was pulled from the game.  Oddly enough, his wrist felt fine but the Twins’ trainer just reflexively figured it was a concussion.

Brad Peacock – Mystery’s favorite player is due to be called up for September.  He’s 6′ 1″ but seven-two with his giant boa-rimmed top hat.  Peacock has been dominant in the minor leagues this year.  Double-A:  2.01 ERA and a 11.77 K-rate in 98 2/3 IP.  Triple-A:  8.58 K-rate, 3.56 ERA in 43 IP.  Here’s what Stephen just said during his Peacock fantasy, “With a quick, loose arm action, he throws a 92 to 94 MPH straight fastball, a plus knuckle-curve ball with sharp downward action, and an average changeup.  I often dream of pulling Grey’s fingernails out one at a time.”  Whoa, maybe I should read those closer.  Peacock probably won’t see enough starts this year to make a difference, but I’d look at him in deep NL-Only keepers.

Tom Milone – Nats announced Milone would also be called up when rosters expand.  He’s actually put together a better season than Peacock, but his upside is lower because he’s a soft-tossing lefty that uses deception where Peacock uses good ol’ fashioned speed.  Leave it to Peacock to show off.

Heath Bell – Giants claimed the Padres closer on waivers and they now have until Friday to work out a deal. I don’t think it happens unless Wilson is totally FUB(e)AR’D.  If it does happen, I’d grab Gregerson or Qualls, in that order.

Joey Votto – 5-for-7 with 2 homers in the doubleheader.  Member when you were mad at Votto midseason because of his lack of power?  Member I said it was a long season?  This blurb was sponsored by Members Only.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4, 1 RBI.  Nice game but he’s been painfully yawnstipating for an extended stretch.  4 RBIs in his last ten games with no homers or steals.  That’s the new blech.

Coco Crisp – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  One homer was against Sabathia.  Odd since CC Sabathia usually devours left-handed hitters and anything that sounds like Coco Crisp.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-3 with his third homer in two games.  He’s not quite as sexy without the sideburns, but if you’re power deprived he’s worth a look.

Daniel Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was one out from the shutout and then gave up back-to-back HRs to Nix and Gomes.  Kind of like how Kate Hudson performed so well in Almost Famous and then made back-to-back bombs.  Fortunately for Daniel, he had Putz to back him up.  Unfortunately for Kate, she had the putz from the Black Crowes and Alex Rodriguez.

Carlos Santana – Won’t miss time but left early yesterday after taking a couple of foul balls off his mask, inspiring him to write a song, Oye Como Vas Deferens.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was scratched with a sore trunk.  Trunk?  Maybe that’s why Matt LaPorta mistook him for his Kia.

Ezequiel Carrera – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now started five games in a row with 3 steals.  Oh, and Ezequiel Carrera sounds like a Porsche carriage built for the Amish.  Up to 4 horsepower!

Tommy Hanson is having his next start pushed back.  Well, it’s not official yet according to the Braves.  But they read Razzball, so we’ll just say it’s official now.  Even if Hanson’s next start isn’t pushed back, it should be.  On Saturday he looked like Rocky Dennis trying on a fitted ball cap.  If you got nothing nice to say, say nothing.  Athletes live by that adage.  So when the media asked Hanson about his shoulder after the game on Saturday, he refused to talk about it.  Earlier in the year, Hanson went to the DL with rotator cuff tendinitis.  A’la Paul Hogan, “That’s not a red flag… THIS IS A RED FLAG!”  My best guess is he’ll be on the Disgraceful List by this time tomorrow.  What time am I writing this?  Geez, a little in my business, no?  Let’s just say it’s prior to dinner, but after my afternoon Cheetos break.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Kubel – 3-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He now has three homers in the last six games.  When I say hot, you say schmotato… Hot… Schmotato… Hot…Schmotato… Pot…Schmo– Gotcha!

Jesus Guzman - 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Has now hit in 9 out of his last 10 games.  Jesus obviously feels right at home with the Friars.

Chase Headley – Out for 6 weeks with a fractured pinkie.  His Inky, Blinky and Clyde are said to be resting comfortably.

Heath Bell – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in Metco.  If you’re upset about your treatment while a Met, that’s not exactly how you prove people wrong.  Cust kayin’.

Jason Bay – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games, and he’s also 6 for his last 11 as he spices up the Mets’ lineup with a little of the old Bay.

Mike Minor - Hasn’t been all peaches and cream so far for Minor, but he could take Hanson’s place if he is indeed bumped.  Hey, when a pitcher is struggling and bumped from a rotation, we should call that bumping uglies.  Okay, carry on.

Alex Gonzalez - 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He’s now hit in 9 of the last 10 games, which is a polite way of saying he’s hitting around .280 in the last ten games.  Maybe Adam Dunn is the only one impressed by that.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Sounds like he’s headed to the DL again.  Too bad, so sad.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  ERA now sits at 3.05 to go with a 1.14 WHIP.  His Ks are a little low, but Hellickson’s having a, um, hell of a year.  I could see the Rays being conservative with his innings towards the tail end of the year once they’re (un)officially eliminated.

Carlos Carrasco – To the DL for the 2nd time with right elbow inflammation.  He still has a suspension to serve too, so that’s ‘bow biding.

Shin-Soo Choo – Hitless in his first rehab game.  Sounds like he picked up right where he left off!

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  As he crossed home plate, he should’ve bit Matt Wieters’s arm off to punctuate how this homer was him rising from the dead.

Alex Rios – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Speaking of zombies, he must’ve got a talking to from his agent last week about how much money he won’t earn if he continues to lollygag because he’s 7 for his last 13.  Though I wouldn’t be exactly confident in trusting him again, i.e. if you pick up Rios, you may get all wet.  Spanish pun point!  Or puno!

John Danks – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Is it me or is it every time Danks or Gavin Floyd seem ownable, they write “I stink” in their own excrement on the walls of your fantasy team?

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer.  If you would’ve jumped out of DeLorean in April and told me one of my best pickups in multiple leagues would be J.J. Hardy, I would’ve called you a mental patient or said I had a bunch of teams not doing very well.  The latter’s not exactly untrue, assuming I know my latter from my former.

Josh Johnson – Threw for 10 minutes yesterday.  Sweet, now if he can get in one pitch every three seconds, he’s ready for big league action!

J.D. Martinez – Homered on Saturday and went deep again yesterday.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can work up for an Astros hitter.  I mean, their corner outfielders right now are J.D Martinez and J.B. Shuck.  Where’s I.P. Freely?

Daniel Hudson – 3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K and 3 more unearned runs for the ticker shock.  Still, against the Astros?  Really?

Homer Bailey – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Aren’t you glad you listened to me and didn’t pick him up?  Oh, you didn’t listen.  Well, I guess you’ll blame that on me too.

Jay Bruce – Homered yesterday.  How does he go from 12 homers in May to next to nothing for two-plus months?  Does he want to be maddeningly frustrating?  Because that’s about as much fun as trying to say maddeningly.

Seth Smith – The Lisper’s Nightmare went deep twith.

Placido Polanco – Said he hopes to play through a sports hernia.  That takes balls.

Bobby Jenks – Undergoing a colonoscopy.  Ironically enough, Colon just got his Jenks tested.  It required turning to his left and coughing.

After being hit on the kneecap by a Jon Lester pitch, Mark Teixeira needed to be helped off the field by “Quiz Kid” Donnie Smith– I mean, Joe Girardi.  Te(i)x must have been in serious pain to let a grown man with braces help him off the field.  That’s I before E except in Teixeira seizes codeine.  Luckily, Te(i)x’s x-rays came back negative and it sounds like he’ll only be out a few days with a bruised knee.  You feel me?  Yeah, you do.  Now stop touching me.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Jakubauskas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Orioles.  BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?

Nick Markakis – 0-for-4, hitting .236 on the year with 4 home runs.  Not sure what happened to this young brother, but I wouldn’t even start him in an AL-Only league at this point.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nine baserunners in 5 innings isn’t great; 5 walks vs. 4 Ks is terrible.  He has a decent K-rate, but walks have been an issue before.  I’d grab him in deeper leagues, but leave him on your bench for his next start.  BTW, ESPN had a 17-word article that would make an eHow article look Pulitzer-worthy about how Rubby and Dee Gordon were in a game together and Ruby Dee was once in A Raisin in the Sun.  “Hey, I got this great piece about Rubby, Dee Gordon and Ruby Dee!”  “Great, give it to me in 20 words or less and in three minutes!”

Jonathan Broxton – If all goes according to plan, Broxton should be back within the next two weeks.  So if he was dropped, I’d stash him for the future ulcer he will give you when he becomes the closer again.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with a steal as he hit leadoff.  I was telling people yesterday to go with Eric Young Jr. over Gordon, but I think I wanna retract that.  Can I get a do over?

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th home run.  Speaking of do overs, can I go back and draft Kemp on every team?  It’s no shock that the team where we are sitting comfortably in first has Kemp on it.

Javy Guerra – Think it’s a conincidence that the Dodgers haven’t had a save chance in two weeks?  I don’t.  For now, Guerra does seem like the guy they are holding back in case of a save opp.

Mike Carp – The Mariners called up the power-hitting 1st baseman.  Since May 1st, he has 16 home runs.  Of course, that’s in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon but still.  Carp should see some ABs because the Mariners have no business playing Jack Cust.  Cust kayin’.

Allen Craig – Left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He might miss a few days with a bruised knee, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised knee.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3 with a home run a day after he had a steroid injected into his wrist.  I guess as long as it’s not in your ass it’s okay.  (You don’t have to go all Professor Frink in the comments, I know it’s a different type of steroid.  I’m just bitter that Berkman’s not slowing down.)

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Francisco did Mr. Bungle yesterday’s game so there’s a chance Rauch could see more looks.  SAGNOF!

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, o ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Best he’s looked all year.  Yeah, better than the no-hitter.  If he’s out on waivers, I’d take a flyer on him to see if he just needed some warm weather and to get healthy.

Brett Anderson – As reported here after inferring shizz from other sites, Anderson was DL’d and is now going to see Dr. Freeze.  You broke-ace trick!

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  F-Her?  More like F-U for drafting a top SP in the first few rounds.

Phil Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His K-rate looks like Livan Hernadez’s when throwing BP.  His BABIP is the second lowest (read: luckiest) in the league.  His name sounds like it should be one word and a verb — She philhumbered whenever the teacher asked her for the answer.  If you want to own him, be my guest.  I wouldn’t touch him.  (And since I feel you about to ask, this applies for Rick Porcello too.)

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th home run.  I haven’t mentioned him much, probably because I don’t own him anywhere.  I like Quentin and think he’s capable of 35 homers if he stays healthy.  The problem is that ‘if’ is the size of Frenchie Davis.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In the preseason, I told you to draft Zimmermann on every team.  Over two months into the season, his ERA is 3.39 and his WHIP is 1.12.  Yup.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hommy Tanson is so money that money asked him for a loan.  Believe it!  Or don’t.  Your choice.

Brad Hand – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 6 Ks.  Wow, a full house with the river card!  Can only hope at Pro Player/Joe Robbie/The Company Formerly Known As Blockbuster/Sun Life Stadium they played, “Let’s hear it for my Hand, let’s hear it for my baby.”  Hand had a so-so K and walk rate in Double-A this year and will probably get bounced from the rotation.  I’d only look at him in deep NL-Only leagues.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m sorry to insult Murray Chass, but wins are a really stupid category.  That is all.

Juan Miranda – 4-for-4 with his 6th home run.  He was hot about two weeks ago then ice cold.  And I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool?  Ice cold!  Miranda may be heating up again.  Hey ya!

Carlos Carrasco – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the game, all the AL pitchers in the league were lined up to pitch to the Twins like that scene in Airplane when they’re lined up to slap that lady who is hysterical.

Tim Stauffer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  It’s so cute when a Hodgepadre does what he’s supposed to do, I just want to pinch his cheeks.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Miguel Cairo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run.  Mubarak categorically denied any responsibility for Cairo’s offensive outburst.