Who really doesn’t love a song that isn’t closely related to baseball being the lead in? I mean I could have made the title Africa, same band, but further from the premise. So we are onto an update of those every crazy relievers that garner some attention but are like the guys buried in the lower left corner on Hollywood Squares.Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the doubleheader, Nate Schierholtz went 6-for-10 with a homer, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, steal and back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-etc. starts from Bochy, go ahead with your big head self! “This is the year Schierholtz breaks out! And fill up my Merlot!” That’s every Giants fan for the last three years. Then within a few weeks, he’s usually hurt. If Schierholtz is indeed German for pantyhose, he sure gets rips in them quickly. Maybe he should bathe in clear nail polish. (See, ladies, Grey doesn’t forget about you.) Schierholtz has power, he just needs to stay healthy. For now, I’d pick him up in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tim Lincecum – Good news: 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks. Bad news: 4 hits, 5 walks, 108 pitches. Reminds me of my stat lines when playing backyard Wiffle Ball. Maybe Timmy needs to throw to a Pitchback instead of a Posey.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna). That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tim Lincecum went six innings and gave up a bongillion runs and has a 10.54 ERA on the year. He’s either sharing a UCL with Wilson or he’s about to make a turn around. No pitcher is going to throw a 10.54 ERA without the universe abandoning that whole gravity thing. And in that case, there would be bigger fish to fry, and we’d have to fry that fish in a Jiffy Pop container, otherwise the hot oil would float away. Or so I read in one of Ken Cosgrove’s stories. Will Lincecum have a 2.75 ERA this year? Well, that’s a different bag of flying fried fish. There’s talk that his velocity is down, which makes his change-up less effective. See, you need one to go fast and one to go deceptively less fast. It’s timing, y’all. Could Lincecum be nothing more than a 3.50 ERA pitcher? Yeah, it’s possible, but there’s still value in that. I wouldn’t give the farm in a trade for him, but I’d see if someone was interested in the tractor. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brian Wilson – There’s talk he could rehab and not get Tommy John surgery because he has a moderate UCL sprain. Oh! Is that all? Terrific. Spray some Windex on it and get out there!Please, blog, may I have some more?
If I were the type to gloat, I’d say I told you to not draft David Wright. I’m not that type of fantasy baseball ‘pert though. Nah, I simply get satisfaction from not owning him anywhere and watching as teams that do own him scramble looking for replacements.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Drew Storen is headed to see Dr. Freeze. Here’s what I said about three weeks ago, “Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago (so that was about five weeks ago now; this is me adding an addendum — Hey! Okay, back to the quote). He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th (that’s more than a month ago; okay, maybe I didn’t need to clarify that) and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday (that’s less than a month ago, but more than three weeks ago… Oh, forget. I’m coming out of this quote.)” And that’s me coming out of my quote prematurely! That’s what she said! Wait, huh? My guess is Storen will probably be out for a few months. You don’t go see Dr.Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s a theorem that says if you gave a monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, it could produce a Shakespearean sonnet. My question is, what if every monkey with a typewriter writes something more ingenious than anything Shakespeare ever came up with, but since we don’t have monkey brains (entirely), we don’t understand it? Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright. As for the theorem, how much monkeying around does it take in Boston to get one Bard? The Red Sox got the infinity part of the theorem right (Aceves’s ERA and WHIP), and they got what you usually get from a monkey and a typewriter… Crap thrown against a wall. Mark Melancon’s ERA is 36.00 and WHIP is 5.00, which looks downright beautiful compared to Alfredo Aceves’s ERA and WHIP which are just letters — INF, and if you owned Aceves for fantasy you know the INF stands for I am Now F***ed. To be, or not to be: the real question is who will close for the Red Sox? Bobby Valentine hinted they might go to Daniel Bard. Valentine doth protest too much, methinks! Of course, Bard should be the closer. You mean the one pitcher with the stuff to close that is now in the rotation that doesn’t have starter stuff? Over the last three years, Bard has the third most Holds, 213 Ks and 1.06 WHIP in 197 innings. But no Holds, Bard, now. Thine own self be true, and thine self is a closer. Give him saves. In the meanwhile, trattorias in Boston’s North End are adding Fedupfitzy Alfredo to their specials. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Clay Buchholz – 4 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. This Tigers/Red Sox series lived up its billing, and that billing was, “Both teams have one ace, then agita.”
Austin Jackson – 4-for-6, 3 runs yesterday and 8-for-14 in the series. In related news, Vanity sang her big hit, Nasty Girl, at karaoke.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Joakim Soria went from being a $12 Salad to a Donkeycorn to a Brain Freeze back to a Donkeycorn to off the list completely in 12 short months. And if this is the first post you’ve ever read at Razzball, I probably lost you by the eighth word. Later! In Soria’s wake is Broxton and Holland, who together can be called Hamsterdam. In other “Saves give me serious agita” news is Ryan Madson. He went from a donkeycorn to off the list. Donkeycorns are dropping like flies! Then there’s Drew Storen. He was touch ‘n go there for a day or two… Okay, for about a week or two, but it seems like he could be okay. Yet, he’s starting the year on the DL. Terrific. Since our last Closer Look, Beane told us Balfour got the closer job in Oakland and Chris Perez got the job back from Pestano, which has the Italian American Anti-Defamation League up in arms, but that’s the norm for them since they talk with their hands. Finally, Carlos Marmol had some nerve issues with his hand that many Razzball commenters opined was from too much internet porn surfing. Sounds like someone is empathizing. Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jason Bourgeois was traded to Royals with Humberto Quintero. Fun fact: Did you know Humberto Quintero weighs exactly a quarter more than Humberto Quadtero? When the trade was announced, Bourgeois said he’d once and for all bring down the tyrannical rule of the Royals and restore a society where Lorenzo Cain lost 75 to 100 at-bats and The Guido Playing 2nd Base lost 100 at-bats. Bourgeois insists that a free market system for steals is essential to their success. Then Bourgeois doffed his powdered wig and asked Yuniesky Betancourt to bring him some unpasteurized cheese. Chop, chop, Piss Boy! This trade doesn’t flat out kill Cain…Sugar!’s value. It sure doesn’t help it. As I mentioned to someone in the comments right after this trade went down, Cain…Sugar!Please, blog, may I have some more?
This is almost the end of the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings. With these top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a few names that I’m really gunning for on my teams… My deeper teams. On last year’s top 80, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Hellickson, Anibal, Garza and Zimmermann), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some. Now humor me. There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone. Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:
61.Please, blog, may I have some more?