Fantasy Baseball Advice

Carlos Zambrano in his own special way welcomed the Cubs new arrival, Jake Fox, with a shizzfit of epic proportions.  Zambrano was ejected for bumping an ump,  I especially enjoyed when the ump ejected him and he then ejected the ump.  I’m out of order? No, YOU’RE out of order!  Somewhere Michael Barrett flinched.  Jake Fox can do it all. And, like Tyra Banks would say, he can do it fiercely.  His Triple-A numbers are 40/17/50/.423 in 40 games with a .503 OBP.  Pretty sick… And that’s sick as in healthy, not sick as in Conor Jackson, Carlos Quentin or Votto.  But will Fox get time to do any of it, you ask.  Let’s see, Soriano, Hoffpauir, Fuku, FU (Bradley), Derrek Lee and Reed Johnson in four spots.  Fox’s only shot for regular playing time is at 3B and there he’d be a butcher.  At 1B/OF, maybe he gets 3 starts a week unless D-Lee gets hurt.  Though you can call D-Lee “DL” at this point, because he’s been about as reliable as a parachute made of bloomers.  As with other rookies, if Fox gets the chance, he could prove successful, so you want to be the one that owns him.  If he fails, then you drop him and take a bat to the Gatorade cooler.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Manny Parra – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners and 5 walks with 6 Ks.  Unfortunately, this is what Parra do.  Until he can get his walks in order, he’s not worth the psoriasis-inducing head scratching.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5.  Hey, look who decided to make an appearance.  He’ll hit .250 and get 20+ homers.  If that’s what you need, that’s what he does.

Matt Capps – Said to be returning soon.  Be nice to get one save for all the effort I put in to pick up Grabow in every league.  Throw Grey a bone here, would ya?

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3.  Sticking with the Mat theme, but dropping one T like a bad geisha.  Gamel’s 3rd base eligibility made him especially enticing to me as a cornerman.  But he’s now making me long for Mark Teahen.

Luke Scott – Returned from the DL and hit a HR.  He’ll steal time from Wigginton, which is ironic because they’re basically the same player.  It would be like Mark Reynolds losing time to Chris Davis.  Tomato-tomahto, Orioles.  Find a blahtoon that makes sense to me then we’ll talk.

Nolan Reimold – Game winning homer yesterday.  See, Gamel, that’s how you turn lemons into Country Time.

Brett Myers – Left the game with his hip to be flared.  Again, he really shouldn’t even be on your team.  To avoid future flare-ups, he promises to wear the proper gear when disagreeing with his wife.

Jay Bruce – 2 HRs.  Now has 14 homers and only 29 RBIs.  Sure would be nice if the Reds put some runners on for him.  Maybe Dizzy Votto and his maritime compatriots can get aboard.

B.J. Ryan – For those holding out hope he’s taking over for Downs any moment, he’s given up 4 runs in the last 2 innings.  The Blue Jays are paying him a lot of money so they feel compelled to play him.  You shouldn’t.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER.  His lack of Ks leaves me wanting more, but he’s obviously been decent.  And his last name sounds like a delicious pasta sauce!

Josh Anderson – 4-for-5 while batting lead-off and stealing his 10th base.  SAGNOF!

Oliver Perez – Jerry Manuel said, Perez will need to be in the minors for at least another start because of “knee problems.” Jerry Manuel needs a bar of soap for some “lying problems.”

Adam Dunn – Hit another HR.  Since I traded him for Jose Reyes, he’s hit about five dozen home runs.  Kill me now.  Thank you.

Derek Holland – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Was a terrible matchup, and he gets the Yankees again next time out.

Chien-Ming Wang – Well, lookie-lookie.  2 IP, 2 Ks and zero baserunners.   Now let’s see you do it when you don’t have a seven run lead.

Elvis Andrus – I feel like I haven’t mentioned this enough, but where’s the effin’ steals, doode?  6 steals so far is not enough.  Let’s go, Elvis, boogie.

Kevin Slowey – I don’t own him in any league, but I gladly would.  I like Slowey a lot.  But because I don’t own him, I had no idea of something… He’s got 7 Wins?!  When did this happen?  Some of my teams don’t have 7 Wins.  Why am I fielding questions about whether to start this guy or not (when I invariably say start him)?  He’s 7-1 with a near-4 ERA.   Yeah, I’d start him.

Jered Weaver – Here’s another guy I feel like I keep answering questions about.  He has a 2.36 ERA.  For criminy sakes, start him.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 18th homer yesterday.  Could this be the year we see a 40 homer guy call Petco home? (<–Sounds like something Tim Kurkjian would say while his voice squeaked.)

Bronson Arroyo – Now leads the NL with seven wins.  After the game he played on his guitar his new tune, “I May Suck, But My Wins Say It Ain’t True.”  Actually, pretty catchy.

Randy Johnson – Goes for win number 300 next week against the Nationals.  After he wins that game, I imagine he’ll say something like, “I could’ve won 500 games if they were all this easy.”

Jesse Chavez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Somebody got burned yesterday chasing Saves.  A’la Nelson Muntz, ha ha!

Joe Nelson – 2 IP, 4 ER.  See 1/8 of an inch above.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, and a steal.  Even if you just own him while Reyes gets better, it’s something, no?

Ben Francisco – 3-for-5 with a homer.  He’s 8-for-9 with 5 homers against Andy Sonnanstine.  Maybe he can get glasses made that superimpose Sonnanstine’s jersey on every pitcher.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 11th homer yesterday.  In the offseason of 2010, you’ll be looking at first basemen and you’ll think you should draft Branyan because he had 30 homers in 2009.  No, you shouldn’t.  But you can own him this year.

Adam Kennedy – 0-for-8 in the last two days.  He was hot for about a week, then he remembered who he was.  So my question is, who told my Reyes fill-in that he’s just Adam Kennedy?  I had a good thing going, man!

Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-5, Just doing a friendly check-in on our favorite April 7th pickup.

Dan Uggla – HR yesterday and 5 homers in the last 10 games.  Not hitting for much average, but you didn’t expect him to do that anyway.

David Ortiz – Hit sixth again.  You know what’s been under reported in all of this?  Who’s now hitting third… J.D. Drew.  Zoinks!

Khalil Greene – It’s been a bad year for the Silent H’s as Khalil heads to the DL with anxiety disorder.  If there’s a bright side to this sad, sad story, maybe the anxiety will cause his ugly-ass hair to fall out.

I’m in a bunch of leagues because I’m popular and smart. Feathered hair is coming back! It is? Yes, Grey said so! This fantasy baseball league is being hosted by RotoRob. (NOTE: It’s not RotorOB, RotOrOB or roTOROb.) After the pretty picture of my fantasy baseball team, I share with you never-before-seen thoughts I jotted down during the draft. This draft was held about two weeks ago, so two of my last three picks are already off my team. Anyway, here’s my fantasy baseball team:

ROUNDS 1/2 – I turn on my draft thingie to find I’m drafting 15th out of 15 teams. Sweet.  I prefer the corner. Gives me time to go on a Mad Dog 20/20 run between picks. Since I’m the corner, I’m going to combine my pick recaps. I take two predictable guys (Carlos Beltran and Prince Fielder) as two guys above me predictably grab Hamilton and Longoria.  Whatever, I wish my fellow drafters nothing but love, peace and Rickie Weeks.

ROUNDS 3/4 – Of course Pedroia and Manny go quickly.  There’s nowhere for them to go but up. /sarcasm  I’m hoping for Quentin to come back to me, but it’s a pipe dream with 15 teams choosing twice before I go again.  I dropped some hints about Rios in the chat to see if I could persuade people away from CQ.  Oh, well, Quentin was taken three picks before me.  I was surprised he lasted that long.  Went with Jake Peavy and Alexei Ramirez.  As everyone knows I love Peavy and at the 45th pick overall it’s hard to refuse when Lincecum and Santana were off the board at 20 and 21, respectively.  As for Alexei at 46th, he has 2nd base and SS eligibility in Y!  and I like him better than Pedroia who went almost 30 picks prior.  If you didn’t know, now you do.

ROUNDS 5/6 – Third basemen are flying off in this round leaving me looking at Huff.  Blech!  I’ve decided sometime after my third draft this year that I’m punting 3rd basemen.  I refuse to reach for Davis.  2009 is the Year of the 3rd Baseman Flier for me.  There wasn’t much appealing to me for these two picks.  I decided I could use something safe and something Bruce.  I went Dan Uggla and Jay Bruce.  My average is in the dumpster by this point, but I’m not going to worry about it right now.

ROUNDS 7/8 – I’m hoping at this point to solidify my outfield because of the Bruuuuce upside pick.  I’m looking at Raul Ibanez and I’m actually finding him appealing.  Weird!  I also like Broxton right here too, but, alas, someone else liked him right before me.  I end up with Raul Ibanez and Yovani Gallardo.  See, this is the thing about having the 15th pick, you know that you might have to reach a little bit for guys you want.  Gallardo wasn’t getting back to me and I’ve been taking Cain in every other league and that gets boring.

ROUNDS 9/10 – All right, I need a closer in one of these two picks.  Then again Ryan, Jenks, Marmol, Qualls, Bell and Devine are all on the board.  I might pass on relievers again.  There goes Ryan, Marmol, Jenks and Devine… Somebody’s been reading my mind — no fair!  I took Chad Qualls and Brad Hawpe.  As for Hawpe, in a league this shallow (no Corner or Middle Infidel), I figured I’d stock up on safe HRs/RBIs wherever possible.

ROUNDS 11/12 – I will be reaching for Carlos Gomez and Mark Reynolds with my next picks for a Utility and 3rd baseman because I need steals and my average is in the caboose already.  But I have a long wait… Off to the bodega for a bottle of cheap wine.  Okay, back and buzzed.  Wow, Reynolds and Gomez are both still there… But in front of the bodega, a homeless man said something to me that was pretty prophetic, “Everyone fears bad averages.  They’ll be around for your next two picks.  Oh, and could you spare a buck, I’m trying to finish up my Master’s in Sociology–” “Sorry, gotta run!”   I decided to try the homeless guy’s advice on for size and went with Heath Bell and Josh Johnson.

ROUNDS 13/14 – Homeless Post-Grad Student was right!  Why does everyone fear a poor average so much?  Ah, for another day, I suppose.  Carlos Gomez and Mark Reynolds, you are mine!

ROUNDS 15/16 – For some reason, no one drafts Chien-Ming Wang anymore.  Or maybe they never did.  Guys chosen before him – Saunders and Ben Sheets.   Double shot of blech.  Anyway, it worked for my team because I have K-heavy pitchers on teams that might not win a whole lot and because I can’t refuse closers this late… Huston Street.  Warm up the DL slot!

ROUNDS 17/18 – Ramon Hernandez has been at the top of my queue forever now and I’m getting sick of looking at him.  250-some-odd picks in, I’ll take a potential 20 HRs catcher and another closer, Brandon Lyon.  (NOTE:  He was still the closer at this point.  But so was Corpas, so one out two ain’t bad.)

ROUNDS 19/20 – Fred Lewis.  Beans don’t burn on the grill!  Then I was looking at Aaron Cook and Pettitte, but decided to go with the upside of Anthony Reyes.  A few picks I liked this round, Josh Fields, Jed Lowrie, Kendry Morales and Colby Rasmus.  Great upside picks.

ROUNDS 23 – (Omitted Rounds 21/22. As said earlier, Mark Lowe and Todd Coffey are no longer on the team. So sad.)  With my last pick, I took Kelvim Escobar.  Not even really sure how he lasted this long.  Sure, he’s injury-prone, but he’s that much worse than Wandy Rodriguez? Crickets. Hmm… Maybe he is, but at the 345th pick I’ll take this schmohawk every day of the week and twice on Muesday.

We’re in the final days of fantasy baseball draft season and I’m taking a breather this weekend to survey my squads. This season’s drafts have been a lot more fun than last year’s as I’ve left the comfortable womb of undergrad 10-12 MLB drafts to graduate school formats like 12-team single league and 16-team mixed leagues. Going that deep in drafts makes you contemplate such unsavory questions as “Should I draft a Nationals pitcher?” and “Who will be Larussa’s go-to utility guy?”

I’ll cover the FantasyPros911 12-Team NL Blogger League in this post and cover the Yahoo! Roto Arcade 16-team mixed league in a separate one.

For those unfamiliar with FantasyPros911, they are running two expert leagues but relegated us to the ‘2nd division’ as revenge for being good friends with Chuck D who has been (unfairly) critical of their site.  Anyway, we were delighted to have the opportunity to test our fantasy baseballin’ skillz  with the other fine fantasy bloggers in this league.  (Complete draft results here)

It was the traditional auction style draft where you have $260 for your roster and 7 reserve picks (we’re still trying to finish up the last 2 rounds).  While I think my player values were right on (especially after comparing against the NL LABR Draft), I had a few missteps on draft strategy and execution.  I went in with a strategy of getting players at or below my estimated value and avoid big buck players in favor of a balanced squad.  My fellow bloggers helped me avoid any temptations to draft a top player by overbidding just about every top player.  Hanley went for a ridunkulous $54 (my valuation $39).  Albert Pujols for $49 (my valuation $36).  David Wright went for $48 (my valuation $41).  Jose Reyes for $45 (my valuation $38).  You get the idea.  This left me on the sidelines in the beginning except when it came to drafting catchers.  I don’t particularly like investing $ or high draft choices on catchers because they get more time off, have greater injury risk, and tend to slow down in the 2nd half.  But you have to mix things up a bit when 24 catchers are slotted to be drafted and I only had 13 at 300+ ABs.  After I got outbid for Brian McCann ($27), I snagged Russ Martin and Geovanny Soto for a combined $40 (I valued them at a combined $60).

After the first wave of great players, the bidding got more tentative and I started spending my dollars pretty quickly.  My biggest mistake was failing to realize you can’t move players down to your Reserve.  I survived clogging my 1B slot with a $3 Nick Johnson by snagging Cantu for my 1B/3B slot.  I lucked out after stupidly clogging my SS spot with Aaron Miles (I started and ended the bidding at $1) by snagging Alex Gonzalez in the reserve draft.  My early giddiness at getting Maybin for $13 might have led to risky OF bids on Colby Rasmus ($8) and Andrew McCutchen ($3).  Of course these guys could earn their value (they got drafted at the same $ in NL LABR) but I exposed myself to too much risk and could’ve used a safer, higher AVG guy to balance off Uggla and Reynolds.  I minimized some of that risk by snagging Seth Smith in COL with the first reserve pick but if these guys end up spending the 1st half either in the minors or on the bench, I’m in trouble.

As for pitching, I’m very happy with my starting staff.  I would’ve loved to anchor the staff with a Santana, Peavy, or Webb but I got two potential aces in Volquez and Cain for the price of one of those guys.  I’ll be lucky to get 150 IP out of Scherzer ($11) but I like him better than Cueto and Parra (both who went for $9).  I overpaid for Maine as it was later in the draft but had the money at the time.  Liking my depth at SP with Randy Wolf, Phillie prospect J.A. Happ and a Petco Park pitcher in Baek.  Not psyched about my relief crew of Francisco Cordero, Huston Street, and the two ugly options in STL (Franklin, McClellan) but hopefully I can get a couple points out of them.

I’ll write a couple posts throughout the year with updates from this league.  If I win, I get to move up to the ‘pert division in 2010.  I’m all a-tingle!

We’ve already gone over the top 10 for 2009 fantasy baseball and top 20 for 2009 fantasy baseball.  Other positions’ top 20 lists can be found under 2009 fantasy baseball rankings.  Now here we are with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball. While going through this top twenty list of 2nd basemen something stood out at me.  The position is extremely shallow.  You really don’t want to have to resort to the bottom half of this list, but this list is actually deeper than the top twenty shortstop list that is coming later in the week.  Scary, right?  As with the previous lists, tiers are mentioned within the player blurbs.  My 2009 fantasy baseball projections are also noted.  Here’s the list of every player who has multiple position eligibility.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball:

1. Chase Utley – In the top 20 for 2009 fantasy baseball post is Utley’s 2009 projections.

2. Ian Kinsler – In the top 20 for 2009 fantasy baseball post is Kinsler’s 2009 projections.

3. Brandon Phillips – You’re in a new tier here, one that goes to Uggla.  I call this tier, “If the spot is right, draft one of these guys, but they’re probably going to be overrated.”  I really took a left turn on this top 20 list.  I’ve never been a fan of Brandon Phillips, but I see lots of people zigging, so what did I do? Zagged!  Barring injury, he can get to 25/25 while raising his average a bit from last year.  I’d let the rest of the schmohawks in your league grab Pedroia, Brian Roberts or Uggla while you grab Phillips.  (BTW, I already covered Brandon Phillips in a different post.)  2009 Projections:  90/25/80/.270/25

4. Alexei Ramirez – Another guy I bumped up higher than most fantasy baseball ‘perts.  At the end of 2009, Alexei Ramirez is going to be above Dustin Pedrioa on top 20 2nd basemen lists.  Why are you drafting your 2009 fantasy team like it’s 2008?  Are you in college in Boston and you bet your friend you would draft Pedroia if he finished a whole bottle of Mad Dog 20/20?  Pedroia had a great 2008, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be incredible in 2009.  Good, but not incredible.  2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.285/15

5. Dustin Pedroia – I was pushing Scrappy Doo real hard last year in the preseason.  I was telling people he can be a cheap 15/15 player.  And he can still go 15/15, but why is he suddenly being pushed by others like he’s King Shinola of Siam?  Did King Shinola die and make Pedroia King?  I don’t think King Shinola died.  Pedroia won an MVP in about the stankest of years for MVP candidates ever.  People taking him in the 2nd round of 2009 drafts need to chillax.   2009 Projections:  110/15/75/.310/15

6. Brian Roberts – It’s no secret that I didn’t like Brian Roberts last year.  Guess what?  Still don’t.  2009 Projections:  105/10/50/.285/30

7. Dan Uggla – Uggla’s a solid, low average power source.  He’s like mini-Dunn, which sounds like what an insensitive guy would tell his girlfriend if he wanted a break. “We’re not breaking up, we’re just mini-Dunn.”  2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.255/5

8. Robinson Cano – We’re in a new tier here.  This tier goes until Kendrick.  This tier I call, “Good value before we get to total Crapolanco.”   2009 Projections:  80/18/85/.310/3

9. Kelly Johnson – Kelly Johnson, Jose Lopez and Mark DeRosa are a coin flip.  You want the Braves schmohawk who’s going to give you 14/10 or you want the Indians or Mariners schmohawk who is going to give you 15/5.  It’s called Schmohawk’s Choice.  2009 Projections:  90/14/65/.285/10

10. Jose Lopez – Looking at cursory numbers at the end of November had me thinking Lopez was going to be a great sleeper for 2009.  As I dug deeper, I realized he’s not really due to take a huge jump forward.  Though he could repeat last year’s numbers, which makes him moderately valuable.  Kinda like your nana’s broach.  Projections:  80/15/85/.280/5

11. Mark DeRosa – I’m seeing him a lot higher on other 2009 fantasy baseball rankings lists so take necessary precautions to not overrate him.  A career year at 33-years-old screams outlier.  2009 Projections:  75/15/70/.280/5

12. Rickie Weeks – Call me a stewpid bizzlenitch.  I don’t care.  Old habits die hard.  I believe in leaving at least a $3 tip even if the bill is under $10, I believe you should live with a girl before you get married and I believe in Rickie Weeks.  Maybe I’m a dope.  2009 Projections:  90/15/60/.250/20

13. Howie Kendrick – What are we to expect from Kendrick?  A) Injuries B) Blah power C) A little speed D) Anything’s better than Polanco.  2009 Projections:  70/7/55/.310/10 and two 15-day DL trips.

14. Placido Polanco – This is a new tier and it goes from Crapolanco until Orlando Hudson.  I call this tier, “Punt.”  Seriously, why are you drafting Polanco?  What’s he going to do for you?  Take a flier on Kendrick or wait to take a flier on some late round doode.   2009 Projections:  90/7/55/.310/7

15. Kaz Matsui – In 2008, Kaz Matsui had a usable season even if he had to wear diapers for half the season.  Sorta like Jamie Moyer.  2009 Projections:  65/5/40/.280/20

16. Freddy Sanchez -  See Crapolanco.  Not even sure why I’m wasting my time writing up this schmohawk.  2009 Projections:  80/10/60/.285

17. Orlando Hudson – O-Dog is a poor man’s Polanco.  Blah!  2009 Projections:  75/10/45/.280/5

18. Mike Aviles – Here’s the final tier of 2nd basemen.  I’ll call this tier, “A-Ha! Take on me.”  Aviles won’t bat .325 again; he probably won’t bat .300.  In the end, he might not end up much better than 10/10, but he’s got some mystery to him.  The unknown is better than the known when you’re this deep into the 2nd basemen pool.  2009 Projections:  80/10/55/.295/10

19. Blake DeWitt – I already covered him in a Blake DeWitt, 2009 Fantasy Sleeper post.  You’re much better off taking DeWitt late instead of Polanco, Matsui or Hudson.  2009 Projections:  60/14/75/.275/7

20. Emmanuel Burriss/Eugenio Velez – Whichever schmohawk wins the Giants 2nd base job as long as it’s not Kevin Frandsen.  With this pick, you’re going for SAGNOF.  2009 Projections:  A badonkadonk of steals.

After the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but two stand out:

Ian Stewart – I already went here in the Ian Stewart 2009 fantasy sleeper post.  I could’ve put him up with Aviles, but I wanted to highlight him down here.  Just make sure he’s eligible for 2nd base in your league.  2009 Projections:  65/17/80/.265/5 (<–optimistic, but reachable)

Asdrubal Cabrera – With a first name that sounds like what Kaz Matsui was suffering from in the beginning of 2008, it’s easy to overlook Asdrubal Cabrera for 2009 fantasy baseball.  But Asdrubal (hehe, I said “but Asdrubal”) had a solid 2nd half last year.  Okay, this was preceded by him being sent down to the minors.  Cabrera won’t put together his 2008 2nd half over an entire season in 2009, but he’s worth the flier over some of the above names cough Polanco cough.  2009 Projections:  90/12/60/.275/10

In our fantasy baseball forums, there’s a great thread going about the Fantasy MVPs, Cy Youngs and the Least Valuable Players. So I thought I’d do a year end award special. Luckily, you won’t have to wear a tux for this or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny. Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Anyway, here’s The 2008 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – Josh Hamilton – Did everything, except blow a random stranger for a crack rock.

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – Albert Pujols – Pronounced POO-holes.

Fantasy AL Cy Young – Cliff Lee – In ten years, Dennis Quaid is going to be portraying Cliff Lee in a movie of the week called, “2008: The Improbable Season.”

Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum – 265 Ks. Sorry, Grey, could you speak up? 265 Ks!

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Travis Hafner – Victor Martinez – Alex Gordon – Carlos Guillen – As the co-co-co-co-winners of this award head up to the podium to accept the award, Pronk trips and his giant melon head crashes into the ground opening a black hole in the space-time continuum that sucks all four of these schmohawks into oblivion.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – Rickie Weeks – Troy Tulowitzki – Rich Hill – When Alex Gordon, Pronk, V-Mart and Carlos Guillen crash to the ground in oblivion, they land on these three schmohawks.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – Jerry Hairston Jr. – He’s hitting well? All right, I’ll grab him for a short schedule day. He’s still hitting well? All right, I’ll pick him back up. He’s injured? I’m dropping him. He’s back. Awesome! He’s injured again. Now he’s back. No, he’s not. Yes, he is. Now he’s playing like Jerry Hairston Jr. again. Ugh…

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – JJ Putz – Why can’t I quit you, Putz?

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Mike Napoli – Eh, I’ll just stick with Pudge.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Jeremy Guthrie – You know you were actually upset when he went on the DL at the end of the year.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Cliff Lee – Luckily, I only swore on my pinkie finger that Lee wouldn’t keep up his pace.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin - Dan Uggla - Way to revert to the norm.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It - Edinson Volquez – You took some lumps in the 2nd half, but they could’ve been worst.

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – CC Sabathia – Why was he so bad in April?!

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – Robinson Cano – Do I send the hate mail to the old Yankee Stadium or the new one?

Best Roofie Pitcher – Johnny Cueto – Max Scherzer – Clayton Krenshaw – Manny Parra

Best Jockular Sphincteritis - Kaz Matsui

Top Cuddle Boy – Fernando Rodney

Top SAGNOF – Willy Taveras/Jose Valverde (Tie)

Top Bowden Fluffer – Delmon Young

Top ESPN Analcyst – Eric Karabell

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Rafael Furcal/Phil Hughes (Tie)

Player You Most Wanted To Run Over With a Tractor – Travis Hafner – Because Co-Co-Co-Co-Least Valuable Player Award Wasn’t Enough.

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Aaron Harang