Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the second installment of the grading process, it’s helpful to look at those sleepers I, Albert Lang, just nearly missed on – basically guys who were a push. These are players who were almost successful sleepers picks but walked too many, gave up too many HRs or just swung and missed a ton.

Dan Uggla – This is the most miraculous push in the history of the world. After Uggla’s horrendous start to the season, he rebounded to bat .234 but with 35 HRs.

Jimmy Rollins – Consensus had Rollins as a top 5 option. Rollins is 6th at the position. However a bigger pre-draft split was where he should fall overall. I thought Rollins could push 15-20 HRs and 25-30 SBs, but rest on the low end of each. He had 14 HRs and 28 SBs. We also saw his average stay below .275. If you drafted Rollins in the top 50, you are probably somewhat disappointed.

Colby Rasmus – Rasmus was a tricky player to write about all year. I liked him, but the hype was a little ridiculous. While I would rather have Nick Swisher, I thought Rasmus was capable of hitting .260 with 20-25 HRs and 15 SBs. Petty squabbles in St. Louis and poor health have Rasmus at 14 HRs, five steals and a .235 average. I was clearly wrong on my projection.

Jason Bartlett – I thought Bartlett could get back to batting .275 (didn’t happen: .251), but I also thought he was a good bet to reach 20 – 30 SBs (he has 23). It’s a wash, but with how bad the SS position has been, he’s been a useful figure in 2011.

Nick Swisher – God it is disgusting how dirty good Brian Cashman is – he absolutely stole Swisher from Kenny Williams. Still, the entire fantasy community also seems to sleep on Swish, as he was the 33^rd consensus OF. Well, he is the 31^st OF, so they were closer in terms of ranking.

Gio Gonzalez – I had Gonzalez as the 42^nd best SP, consensus put him around 49, and he will end up about 46^th overall. So maybe I overvalued him…or maybe not.  I predicted a 4.00 ERA and 1.35 WHIP with 200 Ks. Right now, he has bested my ERA prediction (3.41 ERA) and come very close to meeting my WHIP prediction (1.37 WHIP). He has 177 Ks, so he’ll likely fall a tad short of 200.

Will Venable – While, technically, I had Venable ranked higher than most people, I still warned against the hype I saw building. Specifically, I said that his ceiling of a .320 OBP and the amount of balls he swings at out of the zone wouldn’t get him anywhere near the 30 steals he approached last season. Well, he currently sits at 26 – whoops. I did add in the caveat that we could see some weird things with the Padres this year, i.e., that in the absence of any real offense, their players would be running silly and that could artificially buoy Venable’s SB number. So, I was sort of correct in my Venable assessment.

Mark Reynolds – It’s so weird to be wrong about a known commodity. I had Reynolds buried on the draft board (22^nd 3b), whereas consensus had him a bit higher. I believed he was a .240 hitter with 35 HRs and 10 SBs. He has actually batted worse (.222) and has 36 HRs and just 6 SBs, but has come in as the 6^th best 3b for the year. What a dreadful position.

Edwin Jackson – Partly because he was born in Germany, partly because I believed in the Chicago White Sox pitching coaches, I thought Jackson would have a nice year. I expected an ERA in the 4.25-4.50 range with 170 Ks. He has fallen short of the Ks (he has just 146) but his ERA has been a nice surprise (3.85). Sure the WHIP is miserable, but he wasn’t that bad of a pitcher.

Chris Iannetta – I had Iannetta as a sleeper for the millionth year in a row, expecting a .250 hitter with 15 HRs (with upside as well). Well, Iannetta has batted just .236 this year but does have 13 HRs. He hasn’t helped at all down the stretch though and has really sputtered out. It would be nice if he batted anything other than eighth, but you have to play the cards you’re dealt.

We already went over the top 20 catchers and the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool was shallow, and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, the 2nd basemen, shortstops and 3rd basemen were more or less of equal depth.  For instance, Darwin Barney was ranked 20th for 2nd basemen and 19th for shortstops, and Daniel Murphy was ranked 15th for 2nd basemen and 16th for 3rd basemen.  To recap, this final ranking for last year is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Dustin Pedroia – It didn’t hurt Pedroia that the Sawx were in the hunt for a playoff spot until the very end of September.  Lot better than guys who are coasting through the last two weeks.  Pedroia actually didn’t exceed expectations by as much as his stats would seem.  What he did was get more PAs than were on the last Michael Bay film.  When a player exceeds 700 plate appearances, he’s bound to put up some good stats, unless his name is Nick Markakis.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  105/15/65/.290/15, Final Numbers:  102/21/91/.307/26

2. Robinson Cano – The curious case of Robinson Cano.  In the preseason, I said he was overrated, yet I gave him projections pretty close to where he ended up.  So was I right and he was overrated?  I’m gonna say no.  He wasn’t quite the 1st round pick that some people were making him, but considering how terrible most high picks did and how shallow 2nd base is, Cano provided stability and stats.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/27/100/.310/3, Final Numbers:  104/28/118/.302/8

3. Ian Kinsler – In the preseason, I ranked Kinsler above where most ‘perts had him.  I wanted to believe he could stay healthy one of these years.  Bingo bango!  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  85/22/60/.270/17, Final Numbers:  121/32/77/.255/30

4. Michael Young – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

5. Brandon Phillips – He seems like he’s always planking on a 18/14 season give or take a few homers and steals.  His average was high for him this year.  That was partly due to his line drive rate being up, partly due to his luck.  Maybe The Ghost of a Racist Marge Schott was trying to make amends by helping some of his seeing-eye hits get through.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  85/20/70/.270/17, Final Numbers:  94/18/82/.300/14

6. Ben Zobrist – He had three big months (April, July and September) and three terrible months.  Like off the charts bad (June:  zero homers and 2 steals; August:  1 homer, .250; May:  2 homers, 0 steals, .232 and only 5 RBIs in 99 ABs; that’s e to the gregious).  I never feel confident enough to draft Zobrist because he still seems like an overachieving utility man to me, but as Zobrist would say, “Don’t call me a utility man and don’t call Creed Christian rock.”  Preseason Rank #8, 2011 Projections:  70/15/70/.260/15, Final Numbers:  99/20/91/.269/19

7. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

8. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 post.

9. Ryan Roberts – First time in a long time that I can remember the first out of nowhere name being this low on a year end list of 2nd basemen.  Usually someone will sneak into the top 5 for a shallow position.  Last year, Kelly Johnson and Casey McGehee exceeded expectations.  The year before Zobrist and Aaron Hill emerged.  I’m not sure what this means, but I think it means something.  Razzball:  Where We Raise Questions We Can’t Answer!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  86/19/65/.249/18

10. Dan Uggla – When I explained in the preseason why I had Uggla a bit lower than some other ‘perts, here’s what I said, “The reason why he’s ranked below some of the guys above but his projections look as good if not better is because A) Kinsler has the biggest upside.  B) Phillips and Pedroia are safer.  C) Uggla has the biggest downside in one category, i.e. he could hit .240.”  And that’s me quoting me!  In the end, he didn’t quite get to .240.  Yup.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  90/32/100/.265/5, Final Numbers:  88/36/82/.233/1

11. Neil Walker – Couple of things come to mind when I see how close my preseason projections were to the final numbers for Neil Walker.  A) I ranked him lower than he ended up, which means 2nd base was even shallower than I thought it would be.  B) His numbers were terrible and he still ranked this high, which is more just a continuation of the first point.  C) There’s no C.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.260/7, Final Numbers:  76/12/83/.273/9

12. Rickie Weeks – In the preseason, I called Rickie Weeks overrated because of his injury risk.  As I said then and will say again, it was the easiest call of the preseason.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  85/18/65/.250/14, Final Numbers:  77/20/49/.269/9

13. Danny Espinosa – I pushed Espinosa pretty hard in the preseason because, as always, I ignore average and get all pumped up on power and speed.  He succeeded and failed where I thought he would.  Preseason Rank #21, 2011 Projections:  60/15/70/.245/17, Final Numbers:  72/21/66/.236/17

14. Jemile Weeks – Will probably be overdrafted next year.  I say this because he hasn’t shown any power, he plays in a terrible park with a terrible team and his walk rate (in the majors, at least) was pretty bleh.  With all that said (here comes opposite talk!), he had a great season for a midseason call-up.  He gave you what you were hoping to get from Chone Figgins (Member him?  No, I don’t either.).  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  50/2/36/.303/22

15. Daniel Murphy – How kiddie pool shallow were the 2nd basemen?  Murphy ranked this high and he played his last game on August 7th.  Three ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 2nd basemen!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  49/6/49/.320/5

16. Kelly Johnson – He seems to alternate years with a hard-to-digest average.  (In 2009, it was .224.)  This coincides with a poor BABIP.  This year’s BABIP wasn’t as bad as 2009, but his K-rate was terrible, which helped attribute to the poor average.  He should be able to bounce back next year, but that’s far from a lock.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  80/17/.260/60/12, Final Numbers:  75/21/58/.222/16

17. Aaron Hill – Fitting that Hill and Johnson would be tied together in the year-end rankings, since they were swapped mid-year and had very similar seasons in the general sense.  In the specific, their seasons were totally different.  Hill looked to be an average issue hitter that could at least give you power.  Not this year.  His power completely evaporated.  Oddly enough, he doubled his line drive rate from 2010 and lowered his K-rate.  In short (which I only say after going long), Hill’s season made no sense.  Seriously, I can’t make heads or tails of it.  Yes, even in hindsight it’s not 20/20.  It will take some brass ones to go all in on Hill again next year, but I’m leaning that way right now.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/25/85/.275/5, Final Numbers:  61/8/61/.246/21

18. Martin Prado – During the preseason, I ranked him extremely low at 17th overall for 2nd basemen.  This was such blasphemy, Matthew Berry called me out during one of his chats to say I was stoopid (sic).  Turned out I didn’t rank him low enough, with rank being the key word.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections:  85/12/60/.300/5, Final Numbers:  66/13/57/.260/4

19. Chase Utley – Sadly, the Utley we fell in love with in 2005 is no longer with us.  This new version is brittle like his pomade after it dries.  On a side note, with the loss of Howard for most if not all of 2012 and Utley’s deteriorating health, the Phils got weak fast.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  50/14/55/.280/5, Final Numbers:  54/11/44/.259/14

20. Darwin Barney – I didn’t rank him in the preseason and he shouldn’t even be ranked now.  The Purple Evolutionist’s final numbers show a guy that was helpful for a couple weeks here and there, but if you owned him all year, you lost your league.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  66/2/43/.276/9

Took a few years, but the Twins found out that youth is wasted on the Young as they sang, “May You Stay (Away) Forever, Young.”  Yesterday, the Detroit Tigers became the first club to acquire both Meat Hooks.  A distinction that I’m not sure other clubs wanted.  It’s not like we can look at his stats this year and say Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome was stifling him either.  Delmon Young had 3 homers in away games this year in 157 ABs.  That’s pathetic.  That’s the same number of away homers as Carlos Ruiz.  That’s the same number of homers Pence hit in the last ten games.  Sure, Young had a good 2010, but that was preceded by three miserable years.  Yet, he a fresh start, and he seems like the type that will be happy in new surroundings, until the novelty wears off.  (See, he needs to find happiness within, but we’ll leave that to Deepak Chopra.)  To show his happiness, he hit a homer yesterday, creaming the ball in his first at-bat after getting squeezed out of Twinkie town.  To boil this down into something that could fit on a fortune cookie, I’d pick up Delmon to see if his newfound happiness can last a month-plus.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brennan Boesch – I was gonna tell ya’ll that Boesch’s playing time wouldn’t be hurt by the acquisition of Delmon, but then Boesch went and hurt his thumb and will miss a few games.  I think when he returns he’ll be back in the lineup with Magglio Ordonez moving to a backup role.  Though Leyland is so old school that he doesn’t even change his lineup — “Hey, Boesch is usually our three hitter and he’s out, so let’s put Delmon right in there” — so I wouldn’t count on Cancer Man sitting the vet.  In other words, it’s all up in the air with a capital Clooney.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-5 with his 11th home run.  With Guillen doing what Guillen does best (toasting Pop Tarts while injured — I’m guessing this is what most ballplayers do while injured, don’t know for sure), Raburn should see most of the starts at 2nd base.  If he rattled off one good month, it would surprise me less than his five bad months.

Brian Wilson – 2/3 IP, 3 ER after giving himself the green light to pitch.  Sorta like the exec who gave Ishtar the green light.  Hey, old timey reference, good to see you!  Romo’s out for real with an elbow something-or-other, so if you’re desperate for vulture saves I’d grab Ram-Ram or Affeldt.  Those aren’t ringing endorsements.

Pablo Sandoval – Left the game after a foul off his foot.  His teammates said this wasn’t the first time someone had to leave somewhere because of a foul coming off Pablo’s foot.

Nate Schierholtz -  The man whose last name is German for pantyhose has gone deep in back-to-back games.  When he gets hot (for about a week or so), he gets hot.

Jim Thome – Hit his 600th home run yesterday.  Someone who hasn’t followed baseball since 1995 is really impressed.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 5 ER and the conshellation win as if he’s gotten so many other types of wins this year.  When I read the box score and it says “F Liriano,” I agree.

Ben Revere – 2-for-5 with his 21st steal.  With Young being traded, Revere should see everyday time.  If you need steals, SAGNOF!

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4 as he started a one game hit streak.  Adam Dunn, “Pfft!  I’ve had like 12 of those this year!”

Jose Constanza – 3-for-3, I can’t say I truly understand the Constanza, but he has 5 steals in the last ten games, he’s starting every day and hitting.

Eric Thames – Now has 3 homers in 4 games.  He’s decorating box scores better than Kelly on Design Star.  What, my ex-girlfriend programmed it into my Tivo last year and I figured since it was recorded I’d watch it.  Stop judging me.

Brett Lawrie – Hit his third home run in his 10th game.  I feel like he’s trying to encroach on my Desmond Jennings rookie nookie love.  Which is kinda hot.  Fight for my love!

Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer in 3 games as he remembers why I have him on my freakin’ teams.

Mike Carp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with 2 homers.  Love that he hit 2 homers; lurve that he hit them in Safeco.

Lucas Duda – 3-for-4 as he hit his second homer in as many games.  You say hot schmotato, I say hot schmotahto.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 3 ER with his 5th blown save.  He also took a grounder off his pitching hand, which could cause him to miss some time.  On top of that, Mujica’s injured and Mike Dunn didn’t compliment Hanley on his wash bucket drum solo, so Steve Cishek could see some saves over the next few days.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer.  He’s on pace for 34 homers and 90 RBIs at the age of 21.  Boing!

Ryan Doumit – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th home run.  Better yet, he’s healthy!  Though that might not be true by the time you read this.

Jesus Montero – Jon Heyman suspects the Yankees won’t recall their prospect until September.  Heyman was also who suspected Montero would be called up by now.  I think I’d like to play Heyman in Clue.

Carlos Zambrano – Supposedly, Sammy Sosa texted Big Z some words of support.  He told him to pretend he doesn’t speak English and say, “Baseball has been berry berry good to me.”

Ryan Braun - 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 23 homers and 23 steals.  He’s like Lady Justice balancing his power and speed.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-3, hitting .297 with ten homers and zero steals on the year. Be fun to see where this schmohawk gets drafted next year.  I’m guessing still higher than he deserves.

Brandon Allen – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 10.  Conor Jackson who?!  The yawnstipating 1st baseman the A’s usually play.  I know, Random Italicalized Voice, it’s a figure of speech.  ‘Conor Jackson who’ is a figure of speech?  Forget it.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ll keep this short and not that sweet.  When he’s in O.co (seriously, dubya tee eff with that stadium name?) giving up four runs to the O’s, things are not okay.  He can’t be started anywhere now.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his 26th homer then left with cramps.  Has been almost 28 days since his last injury.

Cole Hamels – Underwent a “precautionary MRI.”  The Phils are “optimistic” it’s “nothing” but Hamels still “may miss” his next start.  The preceding was brought to you by Zagat.

Logan Morrison was optioned to Triple-A New Orleans.  Easy to say he was demoted because of his struggles since the All-Star break, but what fun would that be?  He just started to hit again — 4 for his last 11 with a homer and steal.  As Fredi Gonzalez and Dan Uggla before him, Logan’s run out of town by the Han-Man.  Easily having his worst season, it’s pretty incredible the nerve Hanley has putting his full 5-hour energy drink towards getting rid of Morrison.  Billy the Marlin would like to demonstrate the size of Hanley’s cojones.  I imagine Logan won’t be down in New Orleans longer than a couple of weeks so don’t do anything rash in deep keeper leagues.  Hopefully Morrison doesn’t take a bath in that French-influenced city.    Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Wilson – Out with a back pain.  A back issue sent him to the DL in April, so if this a recurrence it could be trouble with a capital beard.  Romo would be the first option out of the bullpen but he has a tender elbow — I always prefer al dente.  Next up, Affeldt, who’s voiced by Gilbert Gottfried, but he’s a lefty so the Giants might just go with matchups as they did yesterday turning to Ramon Ramirez aka Ram-Ram.

Brandon Belt – 2-for-4 with two homers as he returned from the minors.  Now he’ll be A) Sent down again. B) Played regularly. C) There’s no C.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA now sits at 2.47.  This comes after his last start when he was hit hard by the pennant-contending Pirates, who are now 13 games out of 1st.

Doug Fister – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 5 Ks.  A Twisted Fister got rocked.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Sparkakis!   I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this was his best game in three years.

Kevin Gregg – 0 IP, 4 ER.  Kazaam!

Eric Thames – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in the last three games against Ervin and Haren.  Worth giving Thames a look if you’re power starved.  Or parved, if you’re into portmanteaus or flattened bread.

Jose Reyes – No timetable for his return, i.e., no ticky; no tocky.  The only reason for Reyes to play is to prove to the free agent market that he’s healthy, which is a pretty sizable reason so I imagine he’ll try to get out there for September.  Or Boras might put on Dan Aykroyd’s Jamaican costume from Trading Places to play in Reyes’s place.

Freddy Garcia - Scratched from his start after he cut his finger during a kitchen accident.  He said he was making his Choochie lunch and the recipe called for fingerling potatoes.

Edwin Jackson – Left yesterday’s start with a hamstring injury.  No word yet how long he’ll be out.  We’ll wait to see if we get an up or down on the Jackson pollex.

Johnny Giavotella – 1-for-4 with his third steal in the last three games.  If you need steals, I’d take him into the smush room.

Dan Uggla – Had his hitting streak snapped.  Was this the longest hitting streak ever for someone who started their streak with a sub-.200 average?  Where’s Tim Kurkjian’s crack team of voice-cracking interns when you need them?

Tommy Hanson – To the DL with what the Braves are calling “We should’ve listened to Grey last week when he said to place Hanson on the DL.”  Hanson will probably return at the beginning of September and have another three weeks of starts in his arm, just in time to break down in the H2H playoffs.

Carlos Guillen – To the DL with a wrist injury.  His wrist said, “Oblique, hip, back, hamstring, tonsils… They’ve all taken turns DL’ing us.  It was my turn.”

Jason Marquis – Out for the year with a fractured fibula.  No lie.

David Hernandez – Got the save yesterday because of an overworked Putz.  Hehe.

Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-3, hitting near .450 over the last week.  Not sure how long he’ll last on my team, but I just grabbed The Big FraGu in one league.

Jesus Guzman – Out for last two days with an injured elbow.  He should be proud that even a minor injury would warrant (RIP) a mention.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4 with his 31st steal.  Here’s a sneak peek of next year’s February Grey, “Maybin went 10/40, which is better than dozens of outfielders that were taken before him, and the year before Andres Torres and Angel Pagan were similarly valuable only to flame out in 2011.  So don’t throw out the outfielder with the bath water, but keep your expectations in check.”  And that’s me foreseeing me!

Dontrelle Willis – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  Left the game with pain in his forearm.  Seems a lot more like a pain in the neck.

Jay Bruce – Hit his fifth homer in the last week.  Pray to your deity of choice that Bruce stays hot from now until the end of September.

Brandon Allen – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a RBI after being recalled on Saturday.  Not sure why he wouldn’t play every day, but I don’t think he will.  Instead, he’ll probably share time with CoJack which will hurt both of their values in AL-Only leagues.  Though I guess it could be said they were hurting their own values with this shizzy hitting.

Carlos Zambrano – Threw at Chipper on Friday, which got him ejected, then he went into the locker room and retired from baseball.  Not sure how this hasn’t happened yet, but Big Z needs to be in the WWE.  He can go by the name, The Big Loco.  His finishing move can be The Locomotion.  His ringside manager Ozzie Guillen distracts the ref and The Big Loco pulls a baseball out of his tights, yells out “Choo-choo… Locomotion!” and skulls his opponents’ head.  After he gets the three count, The Big Loco stands up to jeers and flashes his green tongue.  The only thing that can stop him is when an opponent brings a Gatorade cooler ringside which totally distracts The Big Loco, throwing him off his game.  Or if the opponent shows up ringside with Michael Barrett.  Please, WWE, make this happen.  On a side sidenote, you know how when a female is in the news for all the wrong reasons, she’ll then get a call from Hustler to pose nude?  I imagine it’s like that for men and the WWE.  So, if you ever get a call from the WWE or Hustler, I don’t know what you did but it’s ridiculous and not in a good way.

Mike Carp is hitting .350 since July 1st.  (Thereabouts, I did the math in my head.  At least I think it was my head.  Hmm…)  Carp only has 4 homers, but now has two homers in the last 4 games.  He’s also hit in 11 straight games.  Finally… There’s no finally, isn’t the first three positives enough?  Mama mia, I don’t love Mariner hitters in Safeco.  It’s smothering!  In the minor leagues, he was great but it was in the PCL so divide his power by three and add a negative two.  But while Carp’s hitting, he’s worth an add across most leagues, and not just for pescetarians.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Royals catcher prospect was called up.  He has the most surreal pitch signals.  ”Is that a melted clock — oh, a changeup!”

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Playing centerfield, but his season is totally out of left field.

Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, hitting .318 in his short time in the majors.  Now we just need his cheering section to skip the wave and do the Fist Pump.

Arodys Vizcaino - On Tuesday, the lead was Hommy Tanson, yesterday it was Jason Heyward, so I just couldn’t highlight Vizcaino.  I like sweet tea and talking garbled as much as the next guy, but Northerners would’ve started wondering where my allegiances lie.  While Arodys looks like an IM acronym for Red Sox fans, “A-Rod, You Sahck,” he’s a big-time pitching prospect for the Braves.  He breezed through the minor leagues pushing a K-rate over 9, and can be an Aroldis Chapman-type out of the bullpen, but he is crazy young.  With Vizcaino, the Braves now have two minors on the pitching staff.  In all non-keepers, I’d ignore Arodys for now.  His innings are a bit high and the Braves will probably limit him this year.  In dynasty and deep keeper leagues, grab him; he could be special.

Tommy Hanson - Tests show his shoulder is healthy enough for his next start.  His last month of starts show the tests are wrong.

Dan Uggla - 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he pushed his hitting streak to 31 games.  Or the same number of double takes someone who just woke from a coma would have if they saw he was hitting .224 with a 31 game hitting streak.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-5 with the start as Jose Constanza went 3-for-4 with a steal.  That’ll make things better.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer.  A Curtis hasn’t hit such high notes since Booger Presley played the mean guitar.

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Solid start, but how do you not strike out anyone?  That’s like a champale supernova.

J.J. Hardy – 4-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Sweet King Martin, Sweet Queen Coretta, Sweet Brother Hardy… Sweet Baby Jesus…

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Imma let you finish, but J.J. Hardy’s having the best Orioles season this year.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks.  His average is down to .163.  He’s hitting half his weight!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his less than adequate first start for the Indians, he’s lucky he turned things around or he would’ve been Uscalpedo.

Jason Kipnis – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s a good rule of thumb, if I mention a guy in a positive way more than twice in a week, add him.  Kipnis has been mentioned about five times in the last week.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Definitely earning his Twitter hashtags.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer in 3 games.  Ended up on the A’s just because Jonah Hill likes pork, but it’s turning out okay.  While he’s hot, Willingham should be owned everywhere.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez is looking a lot more like Port-A-Jon Sanchez.

Anibal Sanchez - 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Should I Put A Diaper On My Fantasy Team Or Are You Done Defecating Sanchez?

Hanley Ramirez – Placed on the DL.  I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to hurry back.  /sarcasm

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs and the delicious slam & legs.  Rudy hit me up on IM surprised to see The Dread Pirate only had 19 steals on the year.  I hit him back that I was surprised A-Gon only had 18 homers.  See, everything said in our IM chats isn’t really that interesting.

Jeff Karstens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  His last start (3 1/3 IP, 9 ER) left the cow pie on the window sill too long so the stench probably scared most off from this start.

Derrek Lee – Scratched with a sore hand.  Well, stop scratching with it!

Vance Worley- 4 IP, 6 ER.  A Worley hasn’t been hit so hard since his grandmother Jo Anne got smacked in the face by an errant window on the set of Laugh-In.

Brennan Boesch – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  So where is thumbkin?  At the hospital getting an MRI.

Alex Cobb – Having season-ending surgery to clear blockage by his rib cage.  Operating on him is a specialist by the name of Eve.

Brandon Phillips – Will miss at least five days as he tweeted yesterday that his elbow looked like a balloon.  Then some clown turned his elbow into a giraffe.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games.  Prediction:  His end of the year stats will look solid and everyone will forgot that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn for two months.

Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Less than average starter who will pitch his home games in Coors.  Burp.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  So what’s your excuse for not picking him up?  You a non-believer?

Chad Billingsley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners and three unearned runs for the always agita inducing ticker shock.

Dee Gordon – To the DL with a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as tasty as a braised shoulder.

Juan Rivera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Dodgers.  That makes him Dos Rivera.

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 and his 30th steal.  He could be at 30/30 by the end of August.  He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world).  I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses?  Only Girl?  ”I wanna hear Only Girl!”  No, that makes no sense.  It should stand alone without the parentheses.  You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On).  You’re forwarding your gong banging.  You are upping your excitement on the gong.  The Reaper is good, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper is adding something.  ”Hey, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.”  Now I’m at ease.  Only Girl means nothing!  You come for fantasy baseball advice, you stay for Rihanna rants.