Dan Haren

Scott Evans

Two-Startapalooza — Week 12

| Fantasy Baseball Two Start Pitchers | 112 Comments

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We’re halfway through the H2H regular season, and for many of us, it’s time to make some moves in the standings. It’s not always so easy to negotiate trades, especially for those in public leagues, making additions from waivers an absolute necessity in most cases. A good method to get ahead in weekly formats is to keep up with the two-start landscape and stream the shizz out of the good options. If you’ve been lazy in this regard so far, it’s not too late. So quit looking for the new Kanye album that leaked yesterday (it’s not that great), and begin hoarding two-starters instead. I’m here every Saturday to help keep your hopes alive.

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

El Zunino

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 905 Comments

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The Mariners don’t play no mess. That’s their motto, and not the oft-cited mottoes, “F-Her and pray for rain,” or “Put the fences on wheels, so we can move them in when we’re at-bat and out when the other team is,” or “If we trade Chris Tillman and Adam Jones for Erik Bedard, we’ll have more seats empty to fill the stadium with recliners.” With the “don’t play no mess” motto in full-mode, they brought up Mike Zunino. A catcher bat like Zunino only comes once in a lifetime (the lifetime is that of a guinea pig that is being cared for by a 12-year-old, so the lifespan is about 18 months. Remember, because age is rounded down to the last birthday, on average guinea pigs live a half year beyond their final birthday. They live as zombies. Zombie guinea pigs are all around us. Now, I’m scared.) Sure, the last once in a lifetime catcher bat after Buster Posey and Matt Wieters also played for the Mariners. You remember, it was the Jesus who couldn’t catch or hit but could walk on water with the best of them. So, after turning to Jesus twice (Montero, Sucre), the Mariners are now turning to Rookie Zuninookie. BTW, Sucre is sugar, and Zunino sounds like Mexican artificial sweetener. You might remember Mike Zunino from such Scott, our prospect writer, sentences as, “.360/.447/.689 between Low-A and Double-A,” “The third overall pick this past June has been simply incredible since signing,” and my favorite, “His tools profile suggests he’ll eventually develop into a very nice big league catcher, and one you’ll want in fantasy leagues, but most people around baseball don’t see the Travis D’Arnaud/Jesus Montero/Devin Mesoraco-type ceiling with Zunino,” which came when he ranked him 44th in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects. Not to get all Chinese Calendary on you, but 2013 isn’t going to the Year of the Incoming Catcher. Zunino’s chances of making a huge impact seem slim to anorexic. The path to fantasy value for a catcher isn’t a Sunday drive down the Henry Hudson for Will Smith in the movie, Hancock. If Zunino blows away my projections, he gets 15 homers and a .260 average. More likely, he gets 7-10 homers and a .240 average. You can probably do better. Look at me having faith in you! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Evans

Two-Startapalooza — Week 11

| Fantasy Baseball Two Start Pitchers | 111 Comments

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A quick word before we begin with the two-start jibber-jabber: I’m out of town this weekend visiting my brother in Cincinnati. He runs a golf course out there, so I plan to take full advantage of free golf privileges. And while on the links, I like to wash away the pain of double-bogeys with cold ones. I also like to celebrate pars with cold ones. This, of course, is simply a roundabout way of saying that I’m way too drunk to reply to your comments today. Not to worry, though. Our own J.B. Gilpin was kind enough to fill in for me. Thanks, J.B.! Now for the two-starters.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Teheran Takes Bats Hostage

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 934 Comments

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Julio Teheran held the Pirates to one hit yesterday with 11 Ks in 8 innings, lowering his ERA to 3.30, making Teheran victorious vs. the Pirates. Which sounds like it was a battle of hostage takers. “You give us Wandy’s forearm!” “Okay, you give us Uggla’s Ed Hardy-clad booty.” “Um…What?” “You heard me, those jeans are hot on the black market.” “So, you just want the jeans or his actual booty?” “Enough questions, infidel!” Only these weren’t like Somalian Pirates, they were more like The Pirates of Penzance. Zing, high-five self! As Obama and New Jersey work tirelessly to restore Beachy to its former glory of cigarette-scented arcades, frozen custard and teased-out hair, Teheran is making the Braves job difficult for what happens when Beachy returns. Do you think the Braves bump Teheran? Maholm? Hudson? I got a question broken up into three parts, y’all! Maybe Maholm will get hurt. He did, after all, throw, like, 17,000 sliders last year. Well, time will tell unless the Mayans stop the planet abruptly. I’d obviously hold Teheran until the situation resolves itself. I.e., I’d take Teheran hostage. Zadow, fist pump self! Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Guru

Jam it or Cram it: Rookies a Roll of the Dice

| 2013 Fantasy Baseball Rookies, Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell | 159 Comments

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It was either Kenny Rogers or Pete Rose that said, “Luck comes and goes. Knowledge stays forever.” Or maybe it was from the movie House of Games. I could see Joe Mantegna growling that. Either way, luck is fleeting but good when paired with a smart bet. Rolling the dice on rookies in fantasy baseball is a gamble some are not willing to take. If you’re one of the squeamish then you have already missed out on the likes of Shelby Miller, Jedd Gyorko, Evan Gattis, Jurickson Profar and Michael Wacha. While it’s true not all rookies turn into a Harper or a Trout, the smart Razzballer likes to gamble. That’s why a lot of us live under a bridge. We may not be so good at craps but at least we win our fantasy league. And that’s something to brag about when you’re passing around the bottle of Thunderbird. “To all my friends. Did I tell you guys about the time I drafted Ryan Braun in 2007?” *crickets*

Grabbing a rookie is all about the upside. Sure I could hold onto Mike Moustakas. But with him I know what I’m getting. I’m getting Mike Moustakas. Why not get all Monty Hall and swap him for the rookie behind door #2? He could turn out to be the next Evan Longoria or he could be the next Evan Dando. Coo, coo, kachoo. Time to roll out some rookies. With some Razzball knowledge and a little luck you just might win your league. Time to jam it or cram it.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Matt Kemp’s Fortnight Off

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 403 Comments

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Cameron Frye called up Ned Colletti yesterday. He said, “Ned. This is Joc Pederson. Well, we’ve had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard. Matt Kemp got injured.” Ned, “Yeah I heard, and man, I’m all broken up, boy, what a blow.” “Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it’s been a tough morning and we got a lot of business to take care of, so if you wouldn’t mind DL’ing Kemp, I’d appreciate it.” “Uh, yeah, sure, I’d be happy to, yeah you, uh, you, you, you just produce a corpse, and uh, I’ll DL Kemp, but I wanna see Salvador Perez’s dead grandmother first.” “Ned?” So, Matt Kemp did hit the DL, which has led to speculation that this will lead to the arrival of Pederson. Last night, the Dodgers played Ethier in center, but that’s not a long-term solution. But, instead of Puig or Pederson, the Dodgers called up…Wait for it… It’s right here… Hold on, I left it in my other pants… Got it! They called up Tony Gwynn Jr.! In other words, the Dodgers suck as badly as Matt Kemp. In other other words, you can grab Pederson in case Gwynn doesn’t pan out, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. In other other other words, the fly me to the moon record is skipping. Oh, and let’s not forget I told you six weeks ago to sell Kemp and ranked him very low in the preseason, so you were warned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
VinWins

Fantasy Razzball Update: May 24

| Our Leagues | 17 Comments

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FantasyRazzballFantasy Razzball is the game where the goal is to manage the worst fantasy baseball team possible. You hope to find terrible players who don’t get sent to the minors. As in the RCL, a team’s points are multiplied by the League Competitive Index. The LCI is based on the total points of the top 8 teams per league. The overall standings can be found below. Points are credited as follows:

Hitters (AB = +2, H = -3, R = -4, HR = -6, RBI = -4, K = +2)

Pitchers (IP = -1, HR = +4, L = +8, K = -1, ER = +1.5, H+BB = +1).

You can find links to the six Fantasy Razzball leagues (along with the 64 RCLs) here.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Grey

Baseballstar Profarlactica

| Fantasy Baseball Daily Notes | 857 Comments

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Jurickson Profar called up to replace The Ian Kinsler DL Experiment. I’ll wait here while you go add Profar in your league. Okay, back? Good! If you’re not back yet, then you’re not reading this, so let me clear the air, I slept with your sister. Baseballstar Profarlactica is the safest bet from catching the prospect hype virus in the known universe. First (after all those other firsts), let’s see what Scott, our prospect writer, wrote, “Profar brings legit 20-20 potential, along with .300+ AVG, and an OBP north of .350. From shortstop, that sort of production would be enormous. Here’s Grey’s Jurickson Profar fantasy. Also check out my Top 25 Prospects for 2013, where Profar came in at #15. I also slept with your sister.” Damn, hope those other people still aren’t back. I’d grab Profar in every league. Yes, even yours. My guess is he will hit. My 2nd guess is C. Always guess C. That advice can get you into an Ivy League school. I didn’t go to one, ergo, henceforth, vis-à-vis, I had to Google whether or not Ivy League was capitalized. If he hits, Profar could be here to stay with the Rangers saying, “Yo, Profar is hitting so let’s keep him and move Kinsler to the outfield. Or just put a “Hockey sucks” t-shirt on Andrus and drop him off in Winnipeg.” If Profar doesn’t hit, he’ll be sent back down and no one will need to go to Winnipeg. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Evans

Two-Startapalooza — Week 7

| Fantasy Baseball Two Start Pitchers | 95 Comments

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If you’re anything like me (and your office’s firewall is feeble or nonexistent), then I’m sure you’ve wasted countless hours clicking through the player cards on Baseball-Reference.com. It’s fun to get lost in the vortex of baseball history, absorbing interesting nuggets, like how Hawk Harrelson posted a 155 OPS+ in 1968. Of course, scientific analysis is overrated according to Hawk, so don’t bother telling him that the metrics suggest he was quite awesome that year. Baseball-Reference is also the place where I learn about player nicknames and Twitter handles and all that sort of nonsense that we simply cannot live without. But the most fascinating feature of the site is one that I was only recently made aware of — I’m sure it’s been there for awhile, so forgive me if you know about it already. Next time you’re visiting the website, click on the player search box and type “f**kface”, only leave out the censoring characters. Then search it, and enjoy. I have no idea why that particular player card shows up, but it’s hilarious nonetheless. Any insight on this topic would be appreciated in the comments section. Also feel free to focus your comments on the coming week’s two-starters, which are listed below.

As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tehol Beddict

Fantasy Baseball Points Leagues: Is Grey the New Nostradamus?

| 2013 Fantasy Baseball, Points Leagues | 98 Comments

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Grey Albright just may be the greatest visionary of our time. A modern day Nostradamus even. I’ll admit that I didn’t want to buy into the hype surrounding Paul Goldschmidt but now I feel like I deserve a good d!cks slapping. This behemoth homered off the legends known as Kershaw and Kenley Jansen Wednesday night and he’s now batting 313 with 9 dongs, 30 ribbys and 4 base thefts. I haven’t seen this kind of savagery displayed since I witnessed a crew of catholic priests running a train on a teenage boy I once modeled with. Needless to say, I wish I owned him as the man is a true points league monster. How do you do it Grey? I consider myself one of the top 5 most all around talented fantasy players on planet earth and that includes football, basketball and obviously baseball, but Mr. Albright just may have me licked when it comes to roto and I don’t mean sexually. He’s got a mustache fit for an 80′s porn star as well as a heart of gold and you gotta respect it. Enough slurping of the boss. Let’s get to what I saw this week.

Please, blog, may I have some more?