Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, that took care of the hitters.  They’re done.  That cake is done.  Unless you count Utility-only players, the Hall of Fame committee doesn’t count them, not sure why you do.  Maybe you like players so unathletic that they can’t even play first.  You deal with your own hang-ups, ‘kay?  Now we look at the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Bee tee dubya, I’m still calling this year twelve after twenty.  Hope you are too, hate to think I started a fad that only lasted for a minute or two right after midnight on January 1st.  We’re gonna take this top 20 to a top 40 then a top 60 then a top 80.  Sounds daunting to you?!  Try being the one writing all this gobbledygook.  I have a pretty off color joke for that last word, but you would’ve had to be in ‘Nam to appreciate it.  You’re not going to find me drafting many of the top tier 20 starters unless they drop to the point where I feel they’re a bargain.  Say two to three rounds past their average draft position.  There’s just too many starters you can grab in the 5th to 7th rounds that are pretty safe to mess with the top, top guys.  I do like to grab at least one starter from the following post, but we’ll get to that.  As with the hitters, the projections are mine and I’ll list where I see tiers starting and stopping.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Roy Halladay – This is the top tier.  This tier goes from here until Verlander.  I call this tier, “The top tier.  Didn’t I already say that?”  Halladay’s projections can be found in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Clayton Kershaw – I saw some ‘perts rank Verlander above Kershaw.  For shame, shame balls.  I saw another ‘pert rank Verlander above Halladay.  Shame ball me once?  Shame balls on you.  Shame ball me twice?  Shame balls on you.  To think I don’t get paid for this astute analysis.  Inconceivable!  Seriously (uh-oh, you know I’m about to get serious), what is there to say about the top pitchers?  Kershaw just slept with your sister in the back of a hooptie, then left her on the side of the 101 in Reseda.  Are you angry or proud?  Proud, that’s how awesome he is.  2012 Projections:  17-7/2.55/1.05/230

3. Cliff Lee – The Adverb had a tough time with walks last year (for him, which is way below normal for any human pitcher), and that lead to a huge step forward in Ks (7.84 to 9.21 K/9).  Doode, I’ll take a full 2.00 BB/9 if it means another 40 Ks.  You feel me?  If you do, could you stop?  It’s making me uncomfortable.  2012 Projections:  18-8/2.50/1.05/215

4. Justin Verlander – The other day I heard a ex-jock, sportscasting announcer guy say, “Verlander didn’t have a good year…. He had a great year!”  Is there any other profession that could get away with such trite shizz?  Imagine your mechanic told you your muffler wasn’t good… It was great!  You’d think twice the next time a Groupon for Jiffy Lube showed up in your Inbox.  You know ESPN et al think they can get away with ex-jocks/idiotic sportscasters because they think you’re dumb.  With that said, Verlander did have a great year.  DAH!!!  2012 Projections:  18-7/2.75/1.08/240

5. Tim Lincecum – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Greinke.  I call this tier, “The aces that once were.”  I’m seeing Lincecum drafted after a couple of guys I have after him on my rankings, so if he were to fall far enough, I could see maybe getting him.  He would have to fall probably much later than he will.  He had a solid enough 2011 to still be an ace.  Don’t love the falling K-rate, burgeoning walk rate or his highest xFIP since his rookie year.  None of it is terrific, but I also wouldn’t yell fire in the theater of Lincecum.  2012 Projections:  15-10/2.75/1.18/230

6. Felix Hernandez – Ready to have your mind blown?  F-Her actually had a better season in 2011 than his dream Cy Young year when he won a whole 13 games.  Thinking about that, Murray Chass just rolled over in casket, assuming he sleeps in a casket to make things easier for his family when he dies.  F-Her’s K-rate was better in 2011, his xFIP was nearly identical (3.14 vs. 3.15) and he won an extra game.  (His WHIP was a little off, but that was due to some rollers finding holes, as they say on the Skee-Ball World Tour.)  2012 Projections:  15-12/2.80/1.14/220

7. CC Sabathia – I’m trying not to be too stupid this year.  In previous years, I’ve said I’m avoiding CC because he has too many innings on his arm.  Then he’s gone out and thrown another 200 innings.  He can throw a lot of innings.  He’s just a dandy Yankee who eats lots of cheese doodles — stick a feather in his arm and call it macaroni and then he’ll eat that too.  2012 Projections:  20-7/3.10/1.20/210

8. Zack Greinke – Okay, I probably will end up drafting Greinke cause I’m ranking him pretty high.  That doesn’t mean I’m taking him in the 3rd round overall.  (I’ll get to the top 300 overall where I rank everyone together; don’t worry your cute little egg-shaped head about that.)  I can’t say I owned Greinke last year when everyone was crazy about him in the preseason because, well, everyone was crazy about him.  Then he went out and had a 3.83 ERA.  Belch called you up and burped.  Obviously there’s more to his ERA than meets the eye.  He had a 10.54 K/9 and a 2.56 xFIP.  *drool*  Everyone’s writing the Brewers off this year, and there’s some reason to, but Greinke used to do work on the Royals.  He’ll be a’ight.  2012 Projections:  15-8/2.90/1.18/220

9. Cole Hamels – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Lester.  I call this tier, “If I don’t have one starter already, here’s where I’m drafting and I’m fine with that.”  Are we going to get the Hamels that gives a 9+ K-rate or the under-2 walk rate?  Doesn’t matter.  He really hasn’t had one bad year when you look under the hood.  Four straight years of 32+ starts and no xFIP over 3.63.  You’ll take it and like it.  2012 Projections:  15-10/2.95/1.10/200

10. Madison Bumgarner – I already went over my Bumgarner 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while counting my licks to the center of a Tootsie pop.  2012 Projections:  15-8/2.90/1.18/200

11. Yovani Gallardo – I took some flak for ranking Gallardo so high last year.  Well, last year I ranked him 10th and this year 11th.  Correction done.  I don’t know, guys and three girl readers, he had a 8.99 K/9, dropped his walk rate by more than one per nine and had a xFIP of 3.19.  Was it really that bad of a year?  Rhetorical!  If he gives me the same season as last year, I’m all right with that.  (Side note:  Gallardo was on the Verducci list of risky pitchers.  Here’s what I said about that list.)  2012 Projections:  15-9/3.15/1.20/210

12. David Price – I saw one fantasy baseball ‘pert rank Price 11th and Gallardo 18th.  Let’s see what we know from last year:  Price’s K-rate 8.75; Gallardo’s 8.99, Price’s walk rate 2.53; Gallardo’s 2.56, Price’s xFIP 3.32; Gallardo’s 3.19, Price is in the AL East; Gallardo is in a Pujols-less NL Central (which actually sounds painful), Price won 12 games last year; Gallardo 17.  I’m willing to throw wins out the metaphorical window, but is anything else saying Price is that much better?  None of this is meant to disparage Price, bee tee dubya.  I just don’t see the discrepancy between the two.  You know what happens when you feel sick from French pancakes?  You’re having a discrepancy.  Take it, Highlights.  It’s yours.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.20/1.18/200

13. Jon Lester – I beat myself up a little (no, that’s not a euphemism for something else) on where to rank Lester. His xFIP last year was 3.62.  I’ve seen better.  His K-rate of 8.55 is great, but he’s done better.  Looking inside his months, it’s hard to see why we should penalize him for two bad months (May and September).  In May, he had one start vs. the Cubs where he gave up 5 earned in six innings, but the Sawx had a huge early lead, so he was pitching to bats.  He was then torched by the Blue Jays for five runs in 5 innings, but three came in the 1st and then he settled down.  Finally, he gave up 7 earned vs. the White Sox (obviously he doesn’t like Chicago pizza).  In that game, he gave three early runs then 4 in the 6th to get chased.  Then his bad month of September came when the entire club crapped on the memory of Johnny Pesky.  Am I making excuses for Lester?  Oh, fo’ sho.  But he strikes out a lot of people.  Hmm, guess I could’ve just said that.  2012 Projections:  16-9/3.25/1.22/200

14. Dan Haren – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until C.J. Wilson.  I call this tier, “Wim Wenders’s favorite tier.”  With my Haren ranking here, I’m basically blocking a Triple Word score with a solid, yet unspectacular word.  I don’t think Haren is going to be someone who ends up out-performing this ranking (unless he lucks into, like, 22 wins).  He is terrifically solid.  No more, no less.  It’s not a knock.  It just is.  2012 Projections:  17-10/3.30/1.12/190

15. Jered Weaver – This year in and year out exceeding of his xFIP worries me.  It’s like we’re being told to proceed with caution, but continue to ignore it and it works out.  I don’t want the rug to get pulled out from underneath me, but I also don’t want to say he’s garbage because he has a bit of a track record that says he’s not.  I’m going to put my ERA projection at 3.35, but if we get a 3.60 it wouldn’t shock me.  I also don’t think it would make for that awful of a season either.  2012 Projections:  16-10/3.35/1.12/200

16. C.J. Wilson – When he landed in SoCal, I went over my C.J. Wilson fantasy.  I wrote it while juggling fire.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.45/1.21/190

17. Gio Gonzalez – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  You’ll pardon me if I link to my Gio Gonzalez 2012 fantasy rather than reiterating.  This post is already pushing 2000 words and eyes tend to glaze over after the first 125 words.  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.28/200

18. Matt Cain – He’s the only name in this tier that isn’t crazy exciting just reliable.  If you think this is too high and that I’m crummy with crackers, his ERAs the last three years were:  2.89, 3.14 and 2.88.  Like Harrison Ford’s Jewish roots, those aren’t too shabby.  Need more convincing?  He had more quality starts than Halladay last year.  Sure, his xFIPs aren’t great, but he beats those every year, let’s just accept that.  2012 Projections:  14-10/3.10/1.10/180

19. Mat Latos – Albert went over Latos’s trade to the Reds when it went down.  There he said, “When you think Padres pitching, you assume they get huge bumps from Petco – not exactly the case for Latos. While he has a slightly better K:BB rate at home during the course of his career, his slash lines are virtually identical: .229/.287/.348 at home versus .224/.286/.351 on the road.  Bingo-bango!”  I added the bingo-bango.  To add to that, Latos was facing the Giants and Dodgers a heck of a lot.  They’re, how do I say, terrible.  Yes, that’s how I say it.  Home or away.  He’ll be a bit less the pitcher he was, but he’ll also have an actual offense and could be a sleeper to get 20 wins.  I know, I know, I don’t count on wins either.  Just putting it out there in the ether, no relation to Andre.  2012 Projections:  16-10/3.50/1.20/200

20. Stephen Strasburg – His fan club, The House of Strasburg, better launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms because we’re about to have our ordainment of St. Rasburg.  I want to watch him more than I want to get in a bidding war to own him.  If you catch my drift… If you don’t catch my drift, stand behind me.  I’d be shocked if he pitches one inning over 160.  For our friends from Latin America, we have a caveat:  I wouldn’t go near Strasburg in H2H leagues, there’s no way he pitches in September.  2012 Projections:  12-5/2.90/1.10/165 in 160 innings

All the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters are done. For those that skipped today’s title, this starts the top 20 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This is NOT for 2012 (caps for those still wearing their Dolphin Tale 3-D glasses).  This is a recap.  Will these affect next year’s rankings?  Sure.  But not entirely.  To recapitulate, these rankings are from ESPN’s Player Rater.  It’s an objective third party to fairly gauge my preseason rankings.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is the Tootie and I’m the Natalie?  No, just an unbiased comparison.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Justin Verlander – Verlander was terrific yadda³.  I’d prefer to take his blurb to talk about how easily pitchers can go wrong, or fantasy teams, in general.  I had Kershaw, Hamels and Yovani as guys I wanted in the preseason.  They all finished in this top 20.  Unfortunately, I also had Liriano in a group of pitchers I wanted, and he was the one I ended up with in a bunch of leagues.  Pitching can be found later in drafts so this didn’t kill all my leagues, but it just shows you how easily a coin flip (Liriano or Kershaw) can turn a team’s fortunes.  Preseason Rank #12, 2011 Projections: 15-10/3.50/1.18/210, Final Numbers:  24-5/2.40/0.92/250

2. Clayton Kershaw – You know what’s nice about Clayton Kershaw?  Everything!  This article from 2010 always sticks in the back of my mind.  This is pretty unfair to point out.  We’ve all been wrong.  Shoot, I’m wrong more than I’m right.  I’m probably wrong just pointing this article out.  For those who don’t have ESPN Hindsighter, the piece was written almost two years ago.  (Yeah, I randomly remember shizz like this but forget where I parked my car.)  The author compares Kershaw to young pitchers over the last 30 years and how they get hurt or lose velocity.  He compares Kershaw to Kazmir and Ollie Perez.  Only there’s no mention that Kazmir and Perez had an entirely different flaw in their games.  They walked more than someone with a DUI in Los Angeles.  Also, he mentions Doc Gooden.  Only he doesn’t mention that Gooden had the world by the nuts until he decided to see if he could snort the foul lines.  What’s also omitted in that article is that Feller, Drysdale and Blyleven did pretty well at the ripe old age of 22.  Could Kershaw collapse because he has too many innings on his arm at a young age?  I suppose, but not because a few prodigies did and some other prodigies didn’t.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections: 14-8/3.00/1.15/220, Final Numbers: 21-5/2.28/0.98/248

3. Roy Halladay – The fact that Halladay ended up 3rd is more a testament to the two pitchers above him rather than an indictment on anything he did.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections: 19-7/2.75/1.06/205, Final Numbers:  19-6/2.35/1.04/220

4. Cliff Lee – This is more of an over-arching issue with my preseason projections and the end of the year numbers.  Pitchers were a lot better than I thought they’d be (or hitters were a lot worse).  Guys I really liked in the preseason such as Lee, I projected an ERA for them a hair under 3.00.  There were 16 pitchers with an ERA under 3.00.  And a bunch of them weren’t just a “hair” under 3.00.  It’s the Age of ERA-rius.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections: 16-6/2.95/1.05/190, Final Numbers:  17-8/2.40/1.03/238

5. Jered Weaver – On one of the last days of the season, I took my rusty scalpel to Jered Weaver for 2011.  I wrote it while remarking what a nice beaver you have.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections: 15-10/3.40/1.15/195, Final Numbers:  18-8/2.41/1.01/198

6. James Shields – This might be a bit shocking to some people, but Shields’s 2010 when he had a 5.18 ERA wasn’t really that different than his 2.82 ERA this year.  He gave up a few less homers, was lucky with BABIP and left more men on base.  He’s been a mid-3 ERA pitcher more or less for the last two years.  Preseason Rank #58, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.95/1.30/170, Final Numbers:  16-12/2.82/1.04/225

7. Ian Kennedy – This is a bit of a continuation of what I said in the Verlander blurb about getting unlucky with my first starter.  In the preseason I said I wanted Kennedy, Bumgarner, Chacin, Cueto, Morrow, Edwin Jackson, Jonathan Sanchez or de la Rosa as my fourth starter.  Lots of hits there, but I could’ve ended up with the misses.  I didn’t though.  So luck does tend to even out.  Or not.  Your choice.  Preseason Rank #40, 2011 Projections: 11-10/3.75/1.25/180, Final Numbers:  21-4/2.88/1.09/198

8. Cole Hamels – My pitching projections weren’t great, but the guys I told you to draft weren’t bad.  I’ve pegged Hamels as a guy to go after for four (stutterer!) years now.  Next year, it’ll be the fifth.  Really nothing ever wrong with Hamels assuming his luck isn’t terrible.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections: 14-10/3.40/1.18/190, Final Numbers:  14-9/2.79/0.99/194

9. Dan Haren – “You got your head so far up your ass your mustache is also your eyebrows!  There’s no such thing as the Haren pre- and post-All Star break splits!”  That’s you.  This year:  2.61 ERA pre-All Star break; 3.89 ERA post-All Star break.  Um, okay.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections: 15-9/3.60/1.18/215, Final Numbers:  16-10/3.17/1.02/192

10. CC Sabathia – For a few years now, CC has worried me with his innings.  Yeah, he’s a workhorse, but this is the 2nd year in a row where his post-All Star break numbers have been less than stellar and in 2011 it was even more pronounced.  I.e., it’s pronounced:  tired.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections: 18-10/3.40/1.20/190, Final Numbers:  19-8/3.00/1.23/230

11. Josh Beckett – You can go ahead and read Shields’s blurb again, because it’s pretty much the same deal with Beckett.  Preseason Rank #29, 2011 Projections: 15-9/4.15/1.24/170, Final Numbers:  13-7/2.89/1.03/175

12. C.J. Wilson – A recurring theme in my stupid assitude is my inability to understand relievers turned starters.  Wilson didn’t feel the effects of 2010 on his arm, he actually got better.  I really have no clue.  Preseason Rank #49, 2011 Projections: 12-6/3.95/1.28/165, Final Numbers:  16-7/2.94/1.19/206

13. Matt Cain – As I continue to be the best ‘pert I can be, I’ve realized I should ignore certain stats for Cain.  Yes, I’m smarter now because I’ve chosen to be more ignorant.  You’re welcome.  Preseason Rank #23, 2011 Projections: 13-9/3.50/1.12/180, Final Numbers:  12-11/2.88/1.08/179

14. Ricky Romero – In the preseason, when I told you to draft Romero, here’s what I said, “Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #59, 2011 Projections: 13-6/3.65/1.30/180, Final Numbers:  15-11/2.92/1.14/178

15. Tim Lincecum – I was pretty concerned about Lincecum’s falling K-rate coming off his 2010 season…Yet, came closer to his projections than I did for most.  As always, it’s better to be wrong-right than right-right.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections: 15-10/3.20/1.18/225, Final Numbers:  13-14/2.74/1.21/220

16. Doug Fister – Easily the only pitcher that came completely out of nowhere.  Sure, I ranked Shields way lower than he ended up, but I told y0u to draft Shields.  Not only did I not mention Fister, but I wouldn’t have told you to even pick him up until around July.  Fister’s season wasn’t quite as pretty as it seemed, but his K-rate was respectable and his walks were low.  Fister, what a pisser!  (Though not Fister in the pisser.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 11-13/2.83/1.06/146

17. David Price – I ranked Price 17th and he ended up 17th.  Boo-ya!  Unfortunately, I also said to not draft him.  Again, it’s about being wrong-right.  Price had a great 2010, but he actually had a better 2011.  It’s a truism, or it’s supposed to be a truism, that pitchers really hit their stride in their 3rd year in the bigs.  That’s what 2011 was for Price.  The great sign going forward is he looks like he can continue for years to come, barring injury.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 14-10/3.60/1.22/185, Final Numbers:  12-13/3.49/1.14/218

18. Tim Hudson – No fair, he stole Roy Oswalt’s end of the year stats.  Preseason Rank #27, 2011 Projections: 14-10/3.75/1.20/130, Final Numbers:  16-10/3.22/1.14/158

19. Yovani Gallardo – As anyone knows that was around in the preseason, I was caca-cuckoo for Gallardo.  I wanted him on every team.  I pretty much nailed his projections too.  Yet, I feel like he let me down a bit.  Funny thing with this is when I really like a guy, I want them to beat my projections, not match them.  That’s kinda how I am in every facet of my life too.  Maybe I am just like my mother.  She’s never satisfied.  Preseason Rank #9, 2011 Projections: 16-9/3.30/1.24/220, Final Numbers:   17-10/3.52/1.22/207

20. Felix Hernandez – F-Her can get lumped in with Shields and Beckett.  He had pretty much the same season this year as he had in 2010 when he won the Cy Young.  Only this year, he won an extra game, his K-rate was better, his luck was worse and he gave up two extra homers.  As his spooner cousin Helix Fernandez would say, “Most people just saw a downward spiral year.  Not wanting to see how his xFIP was similar from 2010 to 2011.  Or they just went DNA.  You know, Did Not Address.”  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 16-12/2.80/1.10/220, Final Numbers:  14-14/3.47/1.22/222

Hunter Pence has a patella tendon strain and won’t play until this weekend.  Though, more likely, he’s not playing much more in the regular season.  Don’t you love H2H leagues?  What I don’t understand is how you can fantasy baseball, which is a shizzload more intensive than fantasy football, then leave the end of the season up to luck like it’s fantasy football.  I enjoy my one or two H2H leagues, but only because I have ten roto leagues to offset the silly luck factor of H2H.  You draft a great team, then your first 5 round picks are sitting out in the finals of H2H?  Don’t tell me injuries happen in real baseball playoffs, so this simulates that.  Real baseball is played over 162 games, not week to week on who has, say, the most Holds.  So I like H2H, but don’t make as if its playoff system makes sense.  As for Pence, find someone else to fill in p to the ronto.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Todd Helton – Unlikely to return this season with back issues.  It’s probably because when he sits on his bottom, his back can go to the top of its slide.  Helton Skelton!

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with his 24th steal and 3rd steal in his last 4 games.  Sure, Rockies, now play Young like he’s a rookie scrub who you’re just feeling out, unsure if he can play in the majors.  I hate the Rockies.  Today I’m officially starting the trade Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign.  Gardy will let Young play and run and the M in MI in MN stands for mess.  All money donated to the site will not go to the Eric Young Jr. to the Twins Campaign, but we can pretend it will.

Phil Hughes – Scratched from Wednesday’s start with back issues.  I hope he returned the favor to Brian Cashman.  That’s how the world works, Phil!

Robinson Cano – Hit his 12th HR in the 2nd half to go along with an AVG near .320.  Imagine how much better those stats would be if it weren’t for the HR Derby Win jinx!

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  In case The Wandwagon isn’t mentioned next week, I just want to say with his 3.51 ERA and decent Ks (164 in 184 2/3 IP) he’s proven once again to be a serviceable fantasy starter without the flash.  You’re blue collar, Wandy, and for that I respect you.

Josh Beckett – 7 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Done in by two HRs by Mark Reynolds.  Maybe Godot had the scouting report on how to get him out.

Matt Garza – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  It’s an extravaGarza!

Chase Headley – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and a sacrifice.  Oh yeah, baby, he’s back!

Anthony Bass – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K in Coors.  I’m seriously considering doing a weekly podcast next year and, if I do, the first order of business will be finding someone to compose a Hodgepadre song.  In related news, the Rockies are really phoning it in this September.

Tommy Hunter – Left his start with a strained groin.  Wouldn’t wanna be near his colander.

John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Yes, the Phillies are phoning it in even worse than the Rockies, but the good thing about a team phoning it in is they’ll play guys like Mayberry every day.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-3 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot!  Who’s gonna be more valuable next year, Wilson Ramos or Jesus Montero?  Laughably obvious?  Or is it?

Brett Lawrie – Out for the year with a fractured finger.  First, House doesn’t win at the Emmys, now this.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Might miss his last start after being hit by a liner on the wrist.  His owners get pist.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-4 with the slam & legs.  Now has 12 homers and 22 steals.  Next year he might be my number one “Get this guy in every league” guy.  Wouldn’t be surprised to see him get to 15 homers and 40 steals.  He’s gonna be Stubbs without the .240 average.

Vernon Wells – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hey, all you need is a short term hot schmotato and at least I’m not recommending Derrek Lee.  Oh, wait, a second…

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4 with a homer.  Now has three homers in the last 8 days.  Grey’s recommending Derrek Lee again, there goes the neighborhood.

Ross Ohlendorf – 2 IP, 7 ER.  Now has given up 31 earned runs in 33 and a 1/3 innings with a 1.99 WHIP.  Swollendwarf!

Lucas Duda – Left yesterday’s game due to dizziness after crashing into the right field wall.  Forget about moving the fences in, the Mets should move the fences back.

Brent Morel – Hit his 4th homer in the last ten games.  Brent Morel is looking Septacular!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This doesn’t have much to do with fantasy baseball (like Swollendwarf does), but does anyone else get the feeling that the Ubaldo deadline trade is gonna be one that the Indians look back on in ten years and regret?

Travis Hafner – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Pick him up and think about the fun you can have at the end of the season when someone looks at your roster and you have Derrek Lee, Vernon Wells and Hafner.  When they ask you how’d you win, you can freak them out by telling them it’s really 2006 and you hope Bob Barker hosts The Price Is Right forever.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m sure you’ll hear more about this when we go over our teams in the offseason, but after we inexplicably dropped Vazquez from our LABR team he’s put up 137 innings, 2.89 ERA, 1.02 WHIP, 9 Wins and 126 Ks.  Pretty much would’ve been leading our team from that point on.  He’s also been the topic of more discussion on IM between Rudy and I than maybe any other player.  Usually goes like this, “F**king Vazquez!”  “I know.”  “Seriously, f**k him!”  “I hate his face.”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  He’s just lucky the minor league season is over so he can’t be demoted.

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Oh, no, he’s endangering his Sigh Young chances!

Brandon Phillips – 3-for-4 with his 12th steal.  Yesterday, he said the Reds would not receive a “homeboy hookup” with his final contract.  Walt Jocketty volleyed back that he just wants to “pay a man his worth and keep it on the heezy.”  Phillips then replied through his translator, Barbara Billingsley, that, “The heezy is for sure, but Beezy needs to get the deezy or else he’s gonna Cherokee fade this piece.”

Stephen Drew to postpone all ballroom dancing classes for six to nine months with a fractured ankle.  His wife Nancy isn’t gonna be happy.  More time for mystery solving!  If you haven’t seen the video of Stephen Drew, I’d wait for it on the big screen in Faces of Death:  The Drew Edition, which will also feature J.D. throwing out his back, knee, shoulder, back again and ‘pulling up short.’  We probably won’t see Stephen again this year, so it’s fine to drop him.  In his place, Cody Ransom, Quad-A/futility infielder.  He has 25 homers in Triple-A this year, and 9 homers in about ten years of on again/off again major league service.  You can probably do better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wilson Betemit – Castaway Wilson got volleyed to the Tigers yesterday.  Betemit has never received any modicum of respect in his major league career, if I’m using the word modicum correctly.  For the longest time, the Royals would drop the boom with prospect after prospect and Betemit would be MOS — ‘Mit Out Starting job — but now Betemit will take over 3rd base.  Brandon Inge must feel Blind Sided by this.  Maybe he should call Sandra Bullock or Big Mike to campaign for him.  Every bone in your body tells you you shouldn’t own Betemit, but why are you listening to bones?  Is that some voodoo shizz?  If you’re struggling with your corner infidel in deep mixed leagues, Betemit could provide some pop and average.  Of course, don’t drop anyone too worthwhile for him.  Still no respect!

Casper Wells – This was what Leyland said when he sent Wells down, “It’s a crying shame.  He doesn’t deserve to go down.  This one hurts because the kid has done a hell of a job.”  Apparently, the only thing harder than giving up Casper is giving up tobacco.  If only there was a Casper Wells patch!

Duane Below – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He’s a pretty mediocre AL-Only option with a bleh K-rate in the minors.  Plus, Duane Below sounds like a What’s Happening episode where Raj and Rerun lost their friend’s hair pick.  Hey HEY….sob….hey.

Carlos Gomez – Broke his collar bone and will be out for a while.  Maybe Lastings Milledge can work “poppin’ collars like Carlos Gomez” into a song.

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  I thought we had a deal that someone was going to sneak into Haren’s room and turn the calender back to June?

Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  He looked better than Lincecum, in both a straight and gay way.

Javy Guerra – Has six straight saves, an ERA of 2.18 and a perma-smile like the Joker.

Andre Ethier – Has 9 homers, zero steals and a .299 average.  Johnny Damon would be embarrassed by that line.

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in 26 games since he’s been called up.  He’s almost surely going to be overrated next year.  Damn you, half empty glass.

Chris Narveson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Next, he gets the Cubs, then the Astros twice.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.

Jason Vargas – 3 IP, 5 ER.  How very JV of him.  Two straight bad starts, two reasons he should no longer be on your team.

Adam Dunn – Out with knee problems.  Ironically, this year his fantasy owners were forced to take a knee.

John Danks – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Solid start in his return from the Disabled List.  Or as Ozzie calls it, the Puta List.

Brad Lidge – Due back from rehab on Friday.  I’d make sure he comes with return postage for when he gets hurt again.  He won’t be the closer immediately, but the Phils merry-go-round closerousel could pick up in August.

Antonio Bastardo – Charlie Manuel hinted that Bastardo could remain the closer.  I hope Madson enjoyed screwing Charlie Manuel’s daughter (I imagine she looks like Cletus from The Simpsons with boobs) because for some reason he’s in the dog house again.  Or maybe Manuel was saying Madson would be the closer, but calling him a bastardo.

Vance Worley – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He’d be cooler if his name was Van Swirley.  Last time Worley pitched well, I said he shouldn’t be pitching this well, but you should pick him up until he stops pitching this well.  Well, well, well…

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  The Cubs were mowed down by Philly — back again! — with a little east coast swing by the J, the I, the M, the M, the Y, y’all!

Michael Martinez – 2-for-5 with 2 steals.  Probably won’t hit over .240 but he has some speed and is playing while Polanco receives an epidural.  Betcha Polanco wishes he chose natural childbirth.

Ryan Dempster – 3 IP, 6 ER as Dempster goes back to the dumpster.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-5, 4 runs, a home run and two steals.  Encarnacion goes through stretches where he gets crazy hot.  Right now, hitting near .450 in the last week with three steals and a homer and 17 for his last 40.  He’s a hot schmotato, ya’ll.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and a home run.  Really shouldn’t be on waivers in any leagues at this point.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5, and his 11th home run.  According to RCL updater, VinWins, Duffy’s Irish Pub in Washington, D.C. is matching beer prices to Jayson Werth’s average.  3 hits yesterday raised the price to $2.18.  For where I live (Los Angeles), a bar could match Ruth’s lifetime slugging percentage and be a good deal.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4 and a home run.  Or as someone on Sportscenter probably said, Lonnie went gonnie.

Freddy Garcia – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  When I see Garcia’s season ERA at 3.21, I get as incredulous as De Niro when Spider talks back to Pesci.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  Now has 13 steals on the year (and 13 errors and 13 strikeouts and 13 times he’s name dropped Jeter to try and get laid).

Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 1 ER.  Still recorded the save, but it’s worth noting he gave up a run.  And noted.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a season ERA of 1.98 as he went against Jeff Karstens (7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K) and his 2.28 ERA.  To think we paid 20-something dollars for Gallardo in March… Cust frustrated.

Chase D’Arnaud – Now has 7 errors in 21 games played.  More like Chase D’Ball.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 14th and 15th home runs.  Member when I said in April Ellsbury and Gardner were the same player?  I kill myself sometimes.  Literally, I’m sticking my head in the oven.

Ricky Nolasco – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER vs. the Padres.  San Diego bats haven’t been used this much since Cinco de Mayo.  Not sure if candy came out of Nolasco.

Will Venable – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer as every hitter on the Padres got into the action.  San Diego’s offense yesterday was like Ralphie beating up Farkus.  Months of futility boiling up into an uncontrollable rage.  I just picture Jason Bartlett kicking and screaming, “Fickin’, shmikin…”

Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist.  He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El.  On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial.  What Stan told Al-El was simple.  “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs.  It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back.  Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.”  I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols.  A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP.  He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi.  So, he’s a dolphin?  Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.  Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better!  Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks.  So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.

Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s far more glamorous names out there.  Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name.  Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.

Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him.  This was one.  Few > One.

Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb.  That’s a thumb sucking.  He could be out until the All-Star break.

Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break.  On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title.  His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”

Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs.  I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly.  Well, guff, ya’ll!  (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.)  And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.”  I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket.  You can’t count on those.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Why again did I have to say a correction was coming?  I suck.  Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-3.  Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey.  The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth.  For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up.  In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run.  Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth.  Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy.  It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti!  (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert.  Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs.  3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby.  Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend!  Huh?!  Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.

Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson.  No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two.  So he’s day-to-two-days.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs.  Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees.  Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury.  Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury.  Cust kayin’.

Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…

Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow.  For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.

Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save.  Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him.  I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves.  Capps isn’t long for the 9th.

Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain.  In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys.  Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts.  You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.”  Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.

Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games.  Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.

Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery.  With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.

Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State.  Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.

Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere.  Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players.  “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”