Fantasy Baseball Advice

Let’s all give Scott Sizemore a big “Welcome back.”  Well… Let’s give him a medium-sized “Welcome back…”  Screw it!  Let’s give him a quick “Hey” and a head nod like you give to your sister’s boyfriend that you can’t stand.  It’s not like he’s done all that much in his short time in the majors, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — who else are you rocking at your middle infidel spot?  Sizemore was hitting in the minors (.408/.495/.605 and 2 homers in 92 PAs).  It’s worth the flyer to see if he can translate minor league success to the majors.  Who knows?  Now that bin Laden’s listening to Gary Glitter’s Greatest Hits in hell, maybe Sizemore can get his bats through customs.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Freese – He’s gonna miss nine to twelve weeks.  Or the same amount of time it takes to get a 4-year degree from the University of Phoenix.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Could he win a Triple Crown?  Not unless we’re talking horse racing and he’s a jockey.  He’s 35 years old, hitting .406 and on pace for 50+ homers.  The bottom may not fall out until mid-May or June or July, but he’s gonna slow or get injured at some point.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-2, hitting .241 on the year.  Can someone double check that it’s not Nick Punto wearing Pujols’ jersey?

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s like Dave Duncan pulled out of his hat a dead rabbit.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in two days.  Wouldn’t shock me to see him hit 15 homers this month.  Doode is a mollywhopping, pony stick machine.

Tommy Hunter – His groin was cleared for a rehab assignment.  Hey now!

Nelson Cruz – 0-for-5, hitting .225.  When a guy who usually hits well or gets injured isn’t doing either, I get this sick feeling in my stomach that he’s going to get hurt and not even get his usual good hitting stats.  Though that sick feeling could be from the 7-month old cheese I found in my refrigerator.  I can’t resist Camembert!

Brandon McCarthy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and four unearned runs for the agita-inducing ticker shock.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run in his last three games.  If you wait until he shows up in Friday’s Buy/Sell, he may no longer be hot.  That’s from my typees to your eyes.  My typees are my fingers.  Please start calling your fingers typees.  Thank you.

Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run in the last three games.  Do I hear an echo?

Dallas Braden – Had a setback while playing catch.  Debbie Downer does Dallas.

Carlos Gomez – 1-for-3, hitting .236 and a .278 OBP.  On a real baseball note, I’m surprised the Brewers are only 2 games under .500 batting Gomez 2nd in almost 100 ABs in the first month.  Though this will go against what I’m sure many of you think, but I’m not a brain surgeon.  Yet, I could tell you batting Gomez 2nd is idiotic.  How hard is it to fill out a lineup card?  “Let’s see… I think I’m gonna bat the guy with the .278 OBP second.  Oh, and what does OBP stand for again?”

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I love, love, love, love, LOVE when my entire fantasy staff has to dig my team out of a hole dug by my ace every week.  Speaking of a hole, yeah, that’s Gallardo.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  No Ks is usually than but no thans, but Jar-Jar’s dancing through the raindrops and not getting wet.

Alex Avila – Hit his 4th and 5th homers yesterday.  For those about to ask, I’d take Avila over Suzuki.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners.  This could be nothing but the reports in the Razzball comments yesterday said Valverde was struggling and had shoulder issues.  Benoit and Ryan Perry have been blech but are next in line.  I’d be very impressed if Leyland skipped them just because they’re pitching poorly (read: I don’t think it’s likely).  But if he does, we then have the coolest name since Ubaldo, Al Albuquerque, who sounds like either a cartoon character who is a cactus with eyes or a lounge singer.  Al Alburquerque has 16 Ks in 9 1/3 IP.  Yeah, that’s good.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4 with his 11th homer.  Member when I told you every day the first week of the season to pick up Soriano because he’s an April hitter?  Yeah, he still is and this isn’t gonna continue.

Jonathan Broxton – Got the save.  After the game, Selig announced Broxton is the closer.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 6th homer, is on fire and batting third.  Cust kayin’.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in Petco, which translates to 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. anyone else in any other stadium.

Aaron Harang – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This Harangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goddall’s nipples hard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 steals and one knee contusion.  He’s day-to-day which is better than minute-to-minute.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because I own him.

Tom Gorzelanny – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 2.93 ERA and a 0.93 WHIP.  Pitching a tad over his head.  And by tad I mean a shizzton.

Sergio Santos – Picked up a one out save after Chris Sale entered the ninth in a 6-0 game and gave up 2 runs.  Santos is the closer right now and it could stay that way, even with Ozzie calling the shots.

Jenrry Mejia – Tear in his MCL.  Hopefully his 1151 is okay.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

Well my friends, or enemies, it has come to be again:  Baseball… sorry… fantasy baseball! Is there anything more addictive than fantasy baseball? Twenty plus weeks of stats and trades, adds and drops. Preseason stuff is all well and good… but we want competition amongst our so-called friends.  Week one started early and for those in weekly leagues that can’t use any of this: I’m sorry.  For those who can, start off by asking yourself, “Will this help me?” and “Do I really need to add any of these players?” The answer to both of those questions is subjective: It all depends on league size, team need, and scoring setup.  So use the advice I give with fair warning and don’t just do it ‘cause I made a suggestion because this is only a guide of who pitches twice.  I can only show you the way, but you must walk it. I believe it was Q-Tip who said it best when he said, “If knowledge is the key than just show me the lock.” Well, I’m giving you directions to the lock store.  So, as I embark on my second decade of fantasy baseball (Damn, I’m getting old.  I remember doing this with a pen, a piece of paper and a newspaper.  They don’t even make those things anymore!), here are your week 1 two start starters for fantasy baseball. (Pitching match ups and games may change so keep that in mind.) Good luck!

Dallas Braden (@Tor-Reyes, @Min-Duensing) – Grandma’s ‘lil quilter. My inside voice is telling me he is going to get hurt this year.  My outside voice told me to shut up and get me a beer.  Very lucky last year.  Match up guy most of the year for me. Not too bad to start off the year though.

Erik Bedard (@Tex -Ogando, Cle- Masterson) – Healthy, well currently yes. May need to join Tod Lubitch to stay that way though.

Brian Duensing (@NYY-Garcia, Oak-Braden) – Vanilla is the best way to describe him. You add a good lineup, decent defense behind him, and a splash of dual eligibility and that’s baby making stuff.

Bud Norris (@Cin-Leake, Fla- Sanchez) – Ahh Bud, why do you hurt me? Your K numbers look like a down blouse shot of Brooklyn Decker, and your WHIP makes her look like Bea Arthur. Will be a drop and add guy most of the year.

Chris Young (@Phi-Hamels. Was-Lannan) – Can he be healthy for longer than an episode of Robot Chicken? Spring numbers look great, but so what? He is healthy now, so use him while he is, ‘cause you can’t when he isn’t, duh.

Aaron Harang (SF-Bumgarner, LAD-Redding) – Harangatang in the SD zoo… awesome!  2 starts at the Pet’, yes and thanks.

Jason Hammel (LA-Kershaw, @Pit-McDonald) – Could be sneaky this year. Pitched way better and without the luck. Check the numbers, I’ll wait.  How can you not like a guy with a name so close to a tchotchke?

Mike Leake (Hou-Norris, @Ari-Enright) – He got tired by June 1st last year. 2 great starts vs. what looks on paper to be bad teams.  Good start could lead to better things…

Jo-Jo Reyes (Oak-Braden, @Ana-Kazmir) – The least owned name on this week’s list. Play anyone vs. Kazmir, he is hot garbage. Run support, check.  Named after a clown, check.  That, right there, is like the fantasy daily double!

James McDonald (@STL-McClellan, Col-Hammel) – Can he be the first fantasy relevant starting pitcher in Pittsburgh since Ollie Perez in ’04? Possibly. This is an upstart team with a baseball savvy manager. Double digit wins and 170 k’s are not out of the question. Or that’s what I said right before I threw a penny into the fountain.

Jason Marquis (@Fla-Sanchez, @Nym-Capuano) – Doing “Hawk and Animal” proud this week. Missed half of last year due to injury… Yeah, no one noticed. Pitched OK to end last year, don’t expect much on the year but 2 decent match-ups help for the first week of streaming season.

The last hurrah, it’s been a long, strange trip. Insert your own cliché. The last week of fake baseball is here and if you’re still fighting for a championship, now is not the time to get cute. Because it will cost you. Play who is hot, that’s the best advice I can give, guys are getting shut down left and right. Take all your allegiances to high draft picks swallow your pride and start guys who generally wouldn’t be playing. For pitching, however, the last week is kinda sketchy, as I wouldn’t trust too many 2 start guys that are going this week, so I’ll give you the abridged version of who I would go with. It’s been a great year and I hope that I have helped or, if you’re in a league with me, hurt your chances at winning. For the last time in 2010, here are the 2 start pitchers for fantasy baseball that will be semi useful, good luck.

Dallas Braden (@Ana vs. Haren) (@Sea vs. Hernandez)
He can’t wait for the season to be over so he can go on the professional bridge tour with his grandma. He is a guy who will get more love than he is worth next year. Sneaky good ERA, not enough Ks. 1-2 on the year vs. ANA, 1-1 vs. Sea.

Carlos Carrasco (Det vs. Galarraga) (@ChW vs. Jackson)
Hasn’t allowed more than 3 ER in any start. Quickly rising up the ‘Shhh Chart’ for next year. ERA at home is halved, only 2 starts though. Great makeup of pitches and will only be 24 next year. Sounds good to me, where does that line start for next year?

Tim Stauffer (ChC vs. Zambrano) @SF vs. Cain)
Any SD pitcher looks awesome right now. They are in pennant race and all pitch to miniscule numbers. Only 3 start sample but has allowed 5 ER in 17 innings. Will steal you 5K’s a start. Game vs. SF may be a all hands on deck affair for the Fathers so keep that in mind.

Brad Bergesen (@TB vs. Davis) (Det vs. Galarraga)
I was high on him in March. Took about 6 months to figure it out. Last 5 starts 3-1 1.54 ERA, holy hell. That includes 2 starts versus the Sawx and one versus the Yanks. No K’s, will get slapped around hit-wise.

Nick Blackburn (@KC vs. O’Sullivan) (Tor vs. Rzepczynski)
Sounds like an Air force pilot or a spokesman for skin cream. Anywho, .213 BAA, 1.81 ERA since late-August. Minny is coasting into the playoffs. Side note is Morneau taking forever to come back from a concussion or what?

Alex Sanabia (@Atl vs. Minor) (Pit vs. Morton)
On here as my favorite ‘crappy pitcher good matchup’ for this week. ATL is mailing it in ala St. Louis, and well Pitt is Pitt. 2.59 ERA last 3 starts. Caveat:  2 bad defeats against ATL.

Clarence Clemons Sabathia was the big man for the Yankees, one-hitting the A’s over 8 innings for his 19th win. Over 17 starts since June 1, CC has gone 14-2 and has thrown 7+ innings with less than 3 ERs in 15 of those games. Besides pissing off Red Sox Nation and Rays Famous Original Municipality, CC is frustrating the whole sabermetric community as he’s zoomed into pole position for the Cy Young despite being behind several pitchers – notably King Felix – in most stats except Wins. Don’t blame CC, it’s not his fault that the Mariners bats are so weak that they couldn’t break open a piñata.

Curtis Granderson – Two HRs off the bench in relief of Nick Swisher.  Maybe they should make him a ’6th man’ like in basketball.

Nick Swisher – Left after an inning with a stiff knee.  My knee would be stiff too if my fiance looked like this.   Word is he’ll be day-to-day but given the number of OF options on the Yanks, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him take off the whole Labor Day weekend.

Johan Santana – Got the win against Tim Hudson and the Braves but left after 5 innings with a strained pec.  My pec would be strained too if my team’s lineup looked like this.

Adrian Beltre - El Senator hit homer #25 and is nearing 100 RBIs with a .321 average.  Why do I call him El Senator?  Because he campaigns every 6 years, making promises he doesn’t live up to once under contract.

Miguel Cabrera – Left the game early with bicep tendinitis.  Understandable since he’s been holding up the pathetic Detroit Tigers lineup like Bela Karolyi holding up Kerri Strug.  If you’re lucky enough to have him on your team, hope he sticks the landing.

Jhoulys Chacin – Pitched decent against Philly (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners) but had to settle for the no-decision when the Rockie bullpen got rocked.  I can’t tell you how to correctly pronounce his first name but I can tell you that he should be owned in any league that doesn’t have an innings cap.

Dexter Fowler – 3 for 6 with a HR and 3 RBIs.  Fowler’s got a great lineup slot hitting between speedy EYJr and CarGo but keep expectations low.  He’s still a serial K-er (8 in the last 5 games) with little power and yawnstipating speed (12 SBs this year).

Chase Utley - 2 for 4 with a HR and 6 RBIs.  It’s been a mess of a year for Utley but if he can put together one of his ‘hot’ months of .320/7/20, maybe some of his owners can climb into 5th in the standings.

Dallas Braden - Left with cramps in the 6th inning in his start against the Yankees.  Evidently the cramps were more severe than the start when he snapped at A-Rod.

Jose Valverde - Jim Leyland pitched him 3 innings in an extra inning win against the Twins.  Seems excessive but the Tigers are only 11 games out of first with 28 games left.  Keep fighting the fight, Jimmy!

Jeff Manship - Pitched 4 strong innings in relief of Scott Baker.  Not bad for a guy whose last name sounds like a bad Cuba Gooding Jr. movie.  His minor league stats indicate you should avoid him like that movie if he enters the rotation.

Nyjer Morgan – The Batty Natty is going to be suspended – it’s just a matter of how many games.  I think he just misses being in a Pirate uniform.