Fantasy Baseball Advice

What I never understood about the trading deadline is why wait until the last second to make a trade?  Did the Padres really wake up on July 31st and think they suddenly needed a bat?  Wasn’t this apparent on April 2nd?  I understand you don’t trade for pieces if you’re out of it, but the Padres, for instance, haven’t been out of it all season, unless they assumed they weren’t contending when the season started.  Maybe they wouldn’t have got Ryan Ludwick, because the Cards may not have been selling him in April, but they needed someone.  Then there’s the other deals that remind me of my friend who buys things just because they are on sale.  “Do you really need a 120 count box of chicken bouillon?”  “No, but Shop-Rite was selling Chicken Bazillions for only $2.99.”  So, in that vein, do you really need Matt Capps when Jon Rauch is serviceable?  No, but we’ve been dying to shed these upside prospects and the price was right.  Deep thoughts by Grey Albright, I suppose.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Traded to the Yankees.  This is one of those moves that’s actually better for fantasy.  In real baseball, adding Berkman to the Yankees lineup is like adding pecan sandies to a tray of chocolate chip cookies.  Hey, if you like a pecan sandie, then go for it.  I think you were fine with the chocolate chips.  Let’s face it, leaving Houston helps anyone’s value.  Berkman goes from between Keppinger and The Glue They Once Called El Caballo to hitting in an All-Star lineup.  Hey, Runs and RBIs, nice to see you again.  As I mentioned in the comments when the trade went down, A-Rod’s sitting at 16 homers, so don’t expect The Stadium They Built Next To The Stadium That Ruth Built to suddenly add 20 homers to Berkman.  He’s still old and struggling.  Value goes up, but only so much.

Ryan Ludwick – I always want to write Lyan Rudwick.  Not sure why.  Anyhoo, Ludwick goes to the Padres.  This move is almost lateral for Ludwick.  Maybe a slight nudgwick up on value.  He wasn’t playing every day in St. Louie, but he wasn’t hitting in Petco either.  That’s six of one, half dozen warning track fly outs.  Ludwick seemed like he ran his course in La Russa Land, so the fact the Padres appreciate him might boost his confidence.  It’s the Sally Field syndrome.  Ludwick, “They like me!  They really like me!”

Joel Hanrahan – Remind me not to pay attention to Buster Olney anymore.  First he tells me Cliff Lee is traded to the Yankees then he says Hanrahan will be the closer only to watch Dotel get traded and Meek to enter the closer picture.  Olney, you’re on notice.  If you have room, you need to own both Meek and Hanrahananananan.  The good news is they’re both solid.  I do think Hanrahanananan is the first one to get saves.  Meanwhile, Dotel’s a don’t own.

Aaron Heilman – With Qualls going off to the Rays, this should clear up who’s closing in Arizona.  Now Heilman is not good, but they really can’t keep going to Gutierrez.  With the season he’s had, Gutierrez shouldn’t even be pitching in the major leagues anymore.  And if you were holding out hope Qualls would turn his season around, you can now safely take him off life support, Kevorkian.  (Speaking of which, I watched the HBO movie with Pacino and Sarandon this weekend.  Wow, Al and Susan got long in the tooth.  This was like when you go back to your old high school to see your former teachers and they’re all so much older than you remember them and it’s very depressing. Then, just when you didn’t think it could get any worse, you run into the hot English teacher you used to have a crush on and she has short gray hair and she’s wearing slacks from Ross, Dress For Less and she coyly mentions how she just got divorced and you think you might actually have a chance now and that makes you want to vomit on the Philly fan who vomited on another Philly fan.)

Ryan Howard – Left the game after jamming his ankle.  I’m holding a candlelight vigil that he avoids DL.  As of right now, the x-rays were negative, which is positive.  Hopefully he just misses a few days.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – I’d give a dollar to hear a Masshole pronounce Salty’s full name.  Saltymochachino could be a sneaky dynasty pickup for those in deep leagues.  For now, he’s bench depth for the Sawx.

Randy Wolf – Hit with a line drive on his wrist.  He immediately left the game pist.

Ted Lilly – He’s been solid in away games this year, but terrible at Dodger Stadium over the last three years.  That was facing the Dodgers and not the Padres, Giants and Diamondbacks.  As long as the Lilly handles SoCal better than Snookie handles SoCo, this looks like a positive all around for him.  Don’t think he gets much better than a mid-3 ERA going forward, but he’s a solid number three fantasy starter.

Ryan Theriot – Speed guys’ values don’t really change with a new environment.  Terry-O do what he do, which is fine at MI.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games and a 7 game hitting streak.  It’s now or never time for Gordon and it looks like he’s going the now route.  Grab him immediately.

Rick Ankiel – Since Bobby Cox doesn’t have much time left, it makes sense the Braves are looking towards the immediate future.  And by immediate future, I mean August.  Ankiel will split time in the outfield, which will hurt his value, but he wasn’t helping his value much anyway.

Martin Prado – Fractured his pinky and will probably be DL’d on Monday.  Alfonseca would’ve just grown a new digit.  If you need short term help, Infante should see the majority of the playing time.

Blake DeWitt – 3-for-4, 1 RBI.  His Mom was hot, but he’s an end of the lineup hitter with little power or speed.

Aramis Ramirez – Just when you thought he turned the corner, he goes and turns another corner to end up back where he started with thumb problems.

Cristian Guzman – I’m embarrassed to say this, but in leagues where I need runs and average, I actually grabbed Guzman.  In one league, I’ll be blahtooning him with Desmond.  In another, him and fahgettaBartlett.  When you punt MI, these are the choices you need to make.  Guzman should have value until Kinsler returns, which may not be until the end of August.  Yes, Kinsler’s out for a while and didn’t do shizz when he was playing.

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The one earned run and win hide the 5 walks in five innings, which isn’t a great sign moving forward.  He’s just as risky today as he was on Saturday.

Stephen Strasburg – ESPN reported Strasburg threw with no pain.  They’ll be reporting later when Strasburg ‘goes to drop a deuce.’

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I feel like his season has gone relatively unnoticed.  He has 150 Ks in 136 IP.  That’s the 3rd best K-rate in the major leagues.  His xFIP is 2.92, which is the best in the majors, just above Halladay and Johnson.

Daniel Hudson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  The Haren move was questionable for the Diamondbacks, but they redeemed themselves with this get.  I love Hudson in NL-Only leagues and keepers.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see January Grey write a sleeper post about Hudson for 2011.  Gets the Padres next and has mixed league matchup appeal.

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-6, 6 RBIs with two homers.  His cuckoo clock must’ve alerted him it’s August.

Dexter Fowler – Robbing what would of been Alfonso Soriano’s 2nd homer of the day, Fowler knocked hard against the wall.  As he was carted off the field, I began to look for replacements for him.  My guess is a 15-day DL stint.

Matt Lindstrom – As if there’s not enough closer news already, Brandon Lyon picked up the save yesterday because Lindstrom has a sore back.  You know I grabbed Lyon in a few leagues.

Jeremy Hellickson – First let’s see what Stephen had to say when he went over him, “Hellickson has a lively low 90′s MPH fastball that tops out at 95, a curve that is thrown between 77 and 79 mph, and a solid changeup…. Overall, he has been able to keep a good K-rate, above-average control, and is keeping the ball in the park fairly well.   A middle of the rotation pitcher is a definite reality.”  That was prior to his 2010 minor league season, but not much has changed.  In 117 2/3 IP of Triple-A this year, he has 123 Ks, only 35 walks and a 2.45 ERA.  He’s getting the well-deserved start today vs. the Twins.  That’s the good news.  And there’s a lot of it.  I’ll be tuning in to watch him pitch.  The bad news is he doesn’t have a spot in the rotation.  After the start, he may be sent back down until September.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the game, Ozzie said, “Don’t even get me started on Caucasians.”

Edwin Jackson – Shame on you, White Sox.

Jorge Cantu – I already went over the Cantu trade, but since then it was revealed that Cantu would platoon with rookie, Mitch Moreland.  The Rangers need a rookie lefty in the lineup at all times?  Very confusing move.  Feel like it’s taking righty/lefty splits too far.  Either way, this hurts Cantu value, which was margin already.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If you started him vs. the Yankees, you deserved this start.  But you probably didn’t so now you hate him even more than when you were starting him and he was putting up a near-5 ERA.  He’s totally messing with you.  Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

Jeanmar Gomez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He had a 5.70 ERA in the minors.  That’s a red flag with a skull and crossbones on it.

Chris Perez – Will now take over full-time closing duties for the Indians.  He’ll be a Brain Freeze in this afternoon’s Closer Look, but he could perform like a Donkeycorn the rest of the way.  Oh, and for people who understood that last sentence, thanks for reading.  Pour some out for the people who read Donkeycorn and were like, “What the eff is this guy talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”

Jake Westbrook – Scary thing is this, Westbrook, Kearns and Wood is what the Indians had to trade.  Even Houston had Oswalt and Berkman.  Maybe Duncan can do the voodoo that he do, but I wouldn’t grab Westbrook outside of NL-Only leagues until I saw him go.

Kerry Wood – For the first time ever, Yanks and Wood in the same sentence isn’t going to be a pleasant experience for male Yankee fans.

There’s talk that the M’s might punt their closer, just not in the same way the O’s have.  They’re talking about trading David Aardsma.  Member when the M’s were going to be a contender?  That was a fun two weeks in March.  We were younger, you and I (hey!).  You had more hair (hey-oh!).  Doesn’t it seem like every year the pundits latch their unrealistic expectations on a team?  Member when the Royals were going to win it all in 2009?  My prediction for March darling to June dud team of 2011?  The Nationals.  But they have Strasburg and Zimmerman!  Yeah, and John Lannan and that doode you don’t know who plays every other position.  So, Brandon League would take over the job if Aardsma is moved.  I grabbed League where I could because, well, I’m a save vulture, swooping down on closer carcasses any chance I get.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jarrett Hoffpauir – Was called up by the Blue Kays.  He was hitting the ball around pretty good in Las Vegas (in 259 plate appearances, only struckout 15 times and hit 9 long balls).  But what happens in Vegas, well, you know.  Right now, I don’t think our neighbor to the north gives Hoffpauir every day duty (hehe, that sounds like doodie).  I think they move Fred Lewis into the lineup and start Bautista at 3rd base in Edwin Encarnacion’s vacated turd hole he was filling.  Hoffpauir’s worth a lookie-see in AL-Only leagues, since he has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN leagues.

Edwin Encarnacion – Oh, and he’s gone in case you didn’t pick up the above context clue about vacated turd holes.

Everth Cabrera – Could return as soon as Friday after going 0-for-3 with a strikeout and two grounders.  Yup, he’s in game shape!

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2 with his 17th homer and 4th steal.  For Mini Donkey, today was a good bray.

Justin Upton – 3-for-3, 2 homers, a steal, 4 Runs, 4 RBIs and one old lady saved from the right field pool.  J-Upside, it’s good to see you.

Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 and a three-run homer.  The clock struck the summer solstice yesterday and LaRoche turned it on.  May sours, June swoon.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks in Oakland.  Gio’s becoming a bit of a homebody with his splits.  Over 5 ERA on the road and under 3 at home.  That makes his next start at home vs. Pittsburgh look real nice.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer.  If you want to own Kouz, now would be the time.  Actually, yesterday would’ve been– Well, you get the drift.

Cristian Guzman – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  In other news, there wasn’t a whole lot of baseball games yesterday to talk about.

Carlos Beltran – Reports are coming back that he could begin a minor league assignment within the next week.  That means the New York hype machine about Beltran returning should pickup soon giving you a chance to sell him.

Coco Crisp – Could return this Friday from the DL, but he’s become very injury-prone of late, so tread carefully.  I.e. Coco beware.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-4 with no runs and no RBIs.  Ah, the joys of being a Royals leadoff hitter.  Some guys who have more runs on the year:  Juan Rivera, J.D. Drew, Aubrey Huff and Adam Dunn.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-4 as he continues to Charley Lau the ball all over the field, hitting near .400 over the last week.  A small nugget to store in the “Read Then Discard” section of your medulla oblongata is how he can’t hit lefties.

Bruce Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 84 MPH fastball battled Livan Hernandez (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks) and his 82 MPH as National Radar Gun Day was observed in Washington.  Hope the radar guns did something fun on their day off.

A.J. Burnett – 4 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  [sarcastic] Good to see his K-rate bounce back. [/sarcastic]  There’s reports that his foot is bothering him, some are theorizing he’s tipping his curveball or just not locating it properly.  For those that like why’s, awesome.  All I know is this guy wasn’t just bad last night, he’s been terrifically bad for the majority of his starts.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get sent to the Disgraceful List.  Either way, I’m not starting him in any league for at least one start and probably more.

Phil Hughes – Will be skipped in the rotation as the Yankees try to limit his innings.  Though they should probably limit Burnett’s innings.  I’d expect more of Hughes getting skipped in September as they prepare for the playoffs.  On the scale of no-likey for H2H, that’s about an 8.

Brett Gardner – 4-for-4, 2 Runs and his 23rd steal while hitting 8th.  Yesterday, Jayson Stark said Gardner is on pace for more Runs than any other player in history who has the majority of their ABs from the 8 hole or lower.  Actually, he didn’t say that.  He did say, “Kurkjian, stop your screeching!  I’m hungover.”

Lefty pitchers facing the Rangers this year just lost three Ks a game as righty, Ryan Garko, was added to the roster to spell Chris Davis. Then again, maybe not. If Seattle passed on him for a Kotchman/Sweeney blahtoon, what makes you think he’s going to light it up in Texas? The only person really happy about this is Mark Reynolds. His single season strikeout record just got some breathing room. This will hurt Davis’s Runs and RBIs a bit, but you weren’t drafting him for those stats anyway. Last year, Davis hit .189 and 4 homers in 122 ABs vs. lefties. You’re going to miss those numbers? Nah, Garko’s doing you a favor. So you might have to grab a waiver wire flier when the Rangers face a lefty-heavy staff, but if anything this helps Davis. He might now jump the .250 turdle. Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Could miss up to 6 weeks on the DL with a tweaked oblique (vague!). I told everyone to avoid him. So, if you drafted him, here’s the world’s smallest violin. Here’s me putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay. When someone meets the opening bid of one cent, I’ll have them play it for you.

Brian Roberts – He’s played in three consecutive games (watch out, Gehrig!) and says he’s fine. The Orioles grabbed Julio Lugo as insurance. I wouldn’t read too much into that. Roberts has a bad back and it may hinder his running game for a while. That’s the part I’d read into.

Brandon Webb – Had a cortisone shot for some swelling on his shoulder. Yeah, this sounds like it’s working out real well. Maybe when they surgically-repaired his shoulder they shouldn’t have used leftover tendons from Rich Harden.

Jermaine Dye – Reports are swirling that he almost signed with the Brewers. He’ll probably sign somewhere. When he does, he’ll have Ludwick-type value.

Blake DeWitt – Awarded the 2nd base job over Belliard.  Well, there goes my first round 1st baseman in Fantasy Razzball and the seven minutes I spent transforming my Donnie Ball t-shirt into a Ronnie Belliard jersey.  DeWitt’s an underappreciated comedic actress… Wait, Google, I’m looking for Blake DeWitt.  Oh, he’s a poor man’s Casey McGehee.

Carlos Beltran – Should be running in 10 days. That puts his first setback at around April 12th.

Daniel Murphy – Out for 6 weeks.  Dag Hammarskjöld!  Tough day for my Fantasy Razzball team.  Guess I’ll have to go with my third and fourth choice for 1st base and corner… Martin Prado and Chris Coste! Yes, Coste has 1st base eligibility. Thank you, 2009 Astros!

Mike Jacobs – He’ll be the new Mets first baseman. 2010 Mets program should read, “The brand new Mets, same as the old mess!” Jacobs could provide some cheap power in NL-Only leagues or deep mixed leagues at corner infidel, but only if he’s facing a righty. Those in keepers or deep NL-Only leagues will want to keep an eye on Ike Davis.

Mark Teixeira – Returned to game action after missing a few days with a bruised elbow, which is nowhere as delicious as a braised elbow. Tex’ll be fine; he’s durable.

Cristian Guzman – Played some outfield yesterday. A’la Nelson Muntz, Ha-Ha! Riggleman said, “I don’t want (Guzman) to get stale.” I replied, “Too late.” He didn’t hear me. Different rooms and all that.

Felipe Paulino – Named the Astros’ fifth starter. I’ll go over him this afternoon in the return of the Buy/Sell. You can hardly wait. No, you!

Angel Guzman – Said he’ll be ready for next season. Our breath is bated. On a related note, isn’t it weird how it’s pronounced Angel in English, but pronounced On-hell in Spanish? Hmm, that’s not that related.

Brian Anderson – Decided to ditch his career as an outfielder and try his hand at pitching.  He credited Kyle Davies as his inspiration and Chaz Bono for his courage.  Speaking of which, we need an entry for the Razzball Glossary for pitchers who become hitters and vice versa.  Suggest in the comments, thank you.

Phil Hughes was named the Yankees’ fifth starter.  The good news, he’s a solid fantasy 4th starter with 3rd starter appeal.  He can put up over an 8 K/9 with a near-4 ERA.  Rudy’s Hughes’s (say that fast seventeen times) starter projections have him at 10-5/4.18/1.32/130 in 140 innings, which brings us to the bad news.  There’s no way the Yankees throw him for more than 140 innings.  That could mean instituting a new “Hughes Rules” doctrine, where he’ll be skipped on occasion, won’t throw more than five innings, won’t start after August, can’t eat after midnight, etc.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Aroldis Chapman – Dusty will be deciding between Aroldis, Travis Wood and Mike Leake for the fifth starter job.  Honestly, if you would’ve said, name the one that is not a professional baseball player out of these three:  Travis Wood, Mike Leake or Jimmy Fakename.  I would’ve had no idea.  Would love to get a glimpse of Dusty Baker’s decision making process for picking a fifth starter.  I know there’s equal parts eeny and meeny.  There might also be a dunk tank.   I’ve compared Aroldis to a young Randy Johnson.  Wanna see where?  Here, “His stuff is wicked awesome and his control is wicked awful.  But he wouldn’t be the first guy to struggle there.  Hello, Randy Johnson.  That’s a tall order, literally.  But he’s someone I’m excited about in keepers and deep leagues.  He should be owned in keepers from the jump.  In one year leagues, I’d take a flier on him in the final rounds to see if he breaks camp.  If he doesn’t, then you drop him. No harm, no foul.  If he does break camp, then you’re looking at a Volquez-type season.  Not great WHIP, decent ERA and great Ks.  Think 3.75/1.37 and a strikeout/inning.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Should you own Aroldis if you’re drafting this weekend, even with his starting job up in the air?  Yes, you should.

Cristian Guzman – Now the Nats are giving Guzman two straight starts to see if he can be the starter over Desmond.  Hopefully by Sunday we have some good news about Desmond.  Otherwise, I’m going to have a lot of hearts to cross out on my Trapper Keeper.

Brett Myers – Left the game after tweaking his left groin (hehe, Myers has two groins).  He plans to make his next scheduled start.  I’m avoiding Myers in all of my leagues coming out of drafts, but I could see grabbing him during the season.  The NL Central should have some nice match-ups for him and he’s always been capable of punching out guys (and girls).  A near-4 ERA and a 7 K/9 wouldn’t surprise me.  Will he be more valuable than Tim Hudson?  I could see it.

Ted Lilly – Rather than the late-April ETA, now looks like he could be back as early as mid-April.  Might only miss three starts.  Still, he’s coming back from shoulder surgery and has already complained of knee pain this spring.  I’m having a hard time buying.

Derrek Lee – He should return Friday, but he hurt his back yesterday after falling out of a chair.  The equipment man obviously forgot to get rid of the breakaway stunt furniture they had for Milton Bradley.

Scott Kazmir – Scratched with shoulder tightness.  Kazmir with arm troubles?  C’mon!  No way!

Emmanuel Burriss – Out for 10 weeks after having a screw inserted into his foot.  That never slowed down Number 5.

Russell Martin – Says he’ll be ready for the start of the season since his groin is feeling better (Thanks, Alyssa Milano!).  I’d never own Martin, but I think everyone who drafted him in the last week or so probably got a great bargain.  Martin’s still nothing but Crapolanco at catcher, but in the final rounds that’s nothing to sneeze at, unless you’re allergic to that sorta of thing.

Brad Lidge – Will be out at least a week of the season.  Madson should fill in for him.  Both should be owned in all but the shallowest of leagues.  In deeper leagues, I’d own Danys Baez too.  He could see some saves.

Brandon Morrow – Set to throw off the mound today.  Could be the final determination on whether he starts the year on the DL.  It sure wouldn’t be the first time.  He’s worth a stash on the DL but expecting more than 100 innings out of him is Fool’s Gold (which is not the Matthew I’m-Kinda-Gay movie).

Vicente Padilla – Before Padilla heard he was going to be the Dodgers’ Opening Day starter, this was him.  This is him after.

Chien-Ming Wang – the two-time 19 game winner – is pitching historically bad.  How bad?  Some TV highlight show quoted some statistical service that the 15 earned runs he’s given up in the past 2 starts are the most ever for a Yankee pitcher’s first two starts of the year.  For fantasy purposes, he’s more toxic than Chinese air, waterways, and land combined.  As for Ted Lilly, you have to respect a guy who can overcome the ignominy of being traded for Hideki Irabu and Jeff Weaver.  He’s been a very underrated late game starter for the past two years with the Cubs. Today, he went 6 and 2/3, giving up only one hit.  Not to take anything away from Lilly, but the conditions were lousy at Wrigley for hitters.  If Ubaldo didn’t walk 6 batters in less than 4 innings, the Cubs wouldn’t have scored as many runs either.  We think Lilly’s risky for this year as he’s been relying a bit too much on breaking pitches.  But it’s not as if the Cubs training staff hasn’t had experience with sore-armed pitchers (see Prior, Wood, Harden)… Oh, and Wang?  We’re very worried about him.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – I feel bad saying I told you so when someone’s not going well, but I told you so… Actually, that didn’t feel that bad.  Schadenfreude, you make me feel good!

Fausto Carmona – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Okay, I didn’t say to stay away from this schmohawk and it feels awful.  Damn you, karma!

Orlando Hudson – Orlando is living it up in LA.  Disneyworld meet Disneyland!  O-Dog used up his month’s offense production in one day as he hit for the cycle.  O-Dog’s about as hot as they come these last few days.  Is he worth owning?  Sure, I suppose.  He’s a 10/10 hitter with a decent average.  There’s a place for that but I’d prefer a 2nd baseman that could get you 25-40 steals.  One thing I will say is Hudson seems like he’s running more in the early going with 3 steals already in the first week.  But his career high in steals is 10.

Andre Ethier – 2 HRs yesterday.  Nice!  Now twist an ankle or something so Kemp could slowly start working his way up the lineup.  Aw, you know I’m just playin’, Ethier.  I love ya! (Actually, I don’t really, but I’m semi-rambling.)

Zach Duke – Shutout? Shuddup!  The Astros are not a very good offensive team. (Which seems like a complaint for them for the last so many years.  Maybe they might want to think about upgrading that.  Just a thought!)  Duke’s fine for an NL-Only league flier.  In mixed leagues, it’s Zach Puke.

Cristian Guzman – My Fantasy Razzball team (and really it’s all about me) took some hits (literally!) yesterday as Guzman went 5-for-5 then limped off the field.  He surprised last year by maintaining a .300 average and staying relatively healthy after failing to do either in his last years with Minnesota.  I was banking on a regression but not on the health part… There is nothing more frustrating then losing a guy on a Monday in a weekly league.  I should’ve just left Belliard in there… Wait, is that my inner monologue?  My bad.

Jesse Litsch – Left with forearm tightness. Another guy I had on my team that I want to suck.  I don’t think highly of Litsch, but would’ve been nice to see him stay healthy.  He’ll be out a few starts is my guess.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m not defending Pelfrey because I don’t like him this year, but he did give up some bleeders and bloops.  Cust kayin’.

Jon Lester – 11 runs in 2 starts.  He was a risky pitcher too (in addition to Pelfrey).

Zach Greinke – 2-0, no earned runs thus far.  Because our dipolma from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston says we have to report when we’re wrong 17% of the time, Greinke was a risky pitcher too.  Maybe trade him if you think we might still be right.

Matt Holliday – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs.  Batting between Giambi and Garciaparra is really paying off! *sarcasm off*

B.J. Upton – Matt Joyce sent down as The Beej returned to action with a two steal night.  Good to have the Bossman back in town.

Carlos Pena – HR and 6 RBIs. *Random observation that is neither funny nor that enlightening alert* Pena reminds me of Delgado.

Ryan Franklin – First Save last night.  He will get more.  As far back as March 17th, I’ve been saying Franklin will get saves.  I’m not going to link to all the times I said it.  Just search in the search-a-ma-jig on the left.

Travis Snider – 2 HRs.  Still like Lind better, but I also like anyone who’s hitting two home runs in a game.  Even you, Ethier!

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 Ks.  Since last summer, I’ve said he’s headed for the 2009 NL Cy Young.  The Verducci guy clinked the armor, but I’m still holding tight.

Milton Bradley – Out a few days with a right groin strain.  How appropriate since he’s a jerkoff.

Justin Upton – O-for-the season.  The ‘Backs have too many options for him to continue on the path of ugly.  He’s going to be a good one, but it may not be the first half of the year.  Or this year at all.  Color me worried.

Jermaine Dye/Paul Konerko – Back to back 300th HRs.  According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this was the first time two players hit back to back 300th homers.  Actually, they didn’t say that… Well, they might’ve.  I have no idea.  Another thing possibly heard today in the Elias Sports Bureau office, in Accounting, Julio said, “Who took my pen for the third time this month?  Which is a new record!”

DeWayne Wise – Separated shoulder and out 6 weeks. This also really hurt my Fantasy Razzball team.  Wise looked like he was headed for one of the all-time worst years ever if Ozzie would’ve continued to play him.  And that’s a small “if,” because of course Ozzie was playing him.  Alas…  This opens up the centerfield job for the Jerry Owens promotion (SAGNOF, but he’s a truly crappy player) or Brian Anderson (poor average, some pop, not much to see here either).  This could also mean Ozzie moves Alexei Ramirez up the order.  Honestly, Alexei hasn’t done much to deserve it so that could mean Ozzie does move him up.  Oh, who are we fooling?  Ozzie’s going to continue to plug Wise into the top of the order, DL be damned!

Jed Lowrie – To the 15-Day DL.  Oh, well.  He’s done.  Feel free to cut him loose.  Probably the best thing that could’ve happened so you can move on from him sooner vs. later.  (BTW, Sooner vs. Later battled to a draw last time out in the octagon.)