Fantasy Baseball Advice

I picked up Doug Fister in every league I could.  So, that’s out of the way.  I won’t start him the next time out though and I’m not sure I’ll start him ever.  I may just drop him if I never get a good matchup at home.  At home’s key.  That’s the only place I’d start him.  Last night, his 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks performance is his peak.  He pitches to contact and doesn’t K anyone.  He’s similar to Joel Pineiro.  Call him Jo-eh.  If you were the firster to get him off waivers, chuck him into a package trade for someone much more reliable or exciting.  His appeal is limited.  So, yes, I grabbed him to chuck him.  My apologies, Mister Fister.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his 2nd homer in as many days.  Going mono y mano with Soriole, Bradley Bergesen.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu left the game in the 7th with tightness in his groin.  Ugh-arf!  That’s FraGu backwards (almost).

Conor Jackson – To the DL with a hamstring.  This is probably the best thing to happen to his owners all year.  If you’re struggling to find room for him on the DL, I’ll save you the time.  Drop him in most mixed leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, but Conor Jackson’s hamfret pushes Johnson into the leadoff role.  I like me some Johnson!  Not like that.  C’mon, that’s juvenile.

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-3, and now has a starting job because Conor Jackson’s injury is paying it forward.  Parra has little value outside of NL-Only leagues.  There, he’ll give you very little power and little speed.

Ty Wigginton – I mentioned grabbing him yesterday when he had four homers in the last week.  Today, he has 5.

David Eckstein – He hit a walk-off HR for San Diego.  When pressed for comment, Eckstein said it was his biggest hit since knocking out Soda Popinski.

Clayton Richard – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not really bad on Ks and he will have an under-4 ERA at home this year.

Brian Fuentes – Scheduled to return from the DL on Wednesday.  He should get the closer role right back.  At least I hope so since I own this doode.

John Lackey – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  A’la Superintendent Chalmers, “Lack-eee!”  Honestly, this might have been Lackey’s alter ego pitching, Lon Jackey.  He pitches like he’s in a horror film.

Mike Cameron – Could miss a few games because he’s got some stones below the belt in the literal instead of colloquial sense.

Jacoby Ellsbury – May end up D’ellsburied after all.  The Sawx played Bill Hall in center yesterday.  How’s that for depth?

Jeremy Hermida – HR yesterday.  Hermida couldn’t get to a ball he should’ve, which started the scoring on Lackey.  Hermida is a poor-man’s Trot Nixon.  Call him Mosey Agnew.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s actually been one of my best pitchers so far.  Scary, yet true.

Aaron Rowand – Reports are good that Rowand won’t need surgery on his face.  Too bad Willie McGee never received the same good news.

Juan Uribe – Has two homers in the last two games.  He’s one of the streakiest hitters.  Bet he hits at least two more homers this week.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He seems like a good guy.  I wish him the best.  I wouldn’t touch him.

Felix Pie – Will miss up to three months with latissimus dorsi muscle injury.  I thought only dolphins had dorsi muscles.  Anyone ever see Felix Pie flinch around a can of tuna?  Eh, guess it’s not important.  I imagine Reimold’s still nursing his Achilles’ because he’s pulling a Kotchman with that thing, but he’s got one less schmohawk to deal with for playing time and he has been hitting cleanup.

Kelly Shoppach – Out for 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  I had knee surgery once and I wasn’t able to catch for almost two months later.  Actually, that’s a complete lie, but my English Comp teacher once told me to personalize.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Royals.  Now they should make him a closer!  I keed.  Morrow should be capable of more performances like this one, but he gets the Rays next and I’m officially more worried about the Rays’ offense than the Sawx’s.

Mike McCoy – 3-for-4, 2 steals.  Hill’s due back soon which will push McCoy to, well, wherever McCoys go when they’re not playing.  In the meantime, McCoy stole 40 bases in Triple-A.  As they say at Razzball, SAGNOF!

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 as he hit his 2nd homer in four games.  I think he might be a year away still, but he could be coming around; don’t sleep on him if he’s out there.

Cliff Lee – Will throw a simulated game on Tuesday.  They should use a Wii for that.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a million New Yawkers thinking this Davis has an idear up der at bat.  If you scroll down, you’ll see a post about him.  Want more, greedy?  Okay.  The Mets announcers (I heart Keith Hernandez) were comparing Davis to John Olerud.  Davis was wearing a batting helmet at the time, but they meant it about his hitting.  Also, they meant it as a compliment, but I took it as insult.  20 homers and a good average?  I’m hoping he develops more power than that.  Either way, you should own Davis for the chance at a breakout.

Jose Reyes – Wanted the day off because of fatigue.  It’s fair after playing three plus games in two days.  Then he got in the game late and continued to do nothing.  We need to remain calm.  He had no time to ramp up to the season.  The thyroid shorted him his Spring Training.  I’m not worried.  If Reyes gets hot, he could carry you for a month.

Craig Stammen – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That Stammen is a real pistil!  What, flower jokes ain’t your thing?  Whatever.  Oh, and Stammen’s a terrible pitcher, nothing’s changed.

Kevin Mench – The Nationals gave him a minor league deal and he’s hitting so far.  If the Nats call him up, I’m booking tickets for Kevin Mench Fathead Poster day when the first 10,000 guests get life-sized posters of Kevin Mench’s head that one can affix to their wall like a giant tapestry or fresco.

Scott Podsednik – Left the team for a family emergency.  The emergency:  give his hot wife a royal f***in’ vs. playing for the f***in’ Royals.

The only thing more strained than Raul Ibanez’s patience for skeptics is his left groin as the Phillies placed him on the 15 day DL.  You don’t own Ibanez for his wheels so this isn’t as troubling as Jose Reyes with a bad hammy or Willy Taveras with an allergy to getting on base.  Stick him on the DL and hopefully he comes back in 15 days with an unstrained groin.  As for his Philly replacement John Mayberry Jr, think Rickie Sexson.  Lots of power but huge holes in his swing.  He might jack a few HRs before the league figures him out but we’d only recommend him for NL-only leagues and the power-desperate in deep mixed leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER.  With only two Ks vs. the Reds, it’s not as encouraging as it could be.  But I don’t believe we’re going to see the real Tommy Hanson this year anyway.  Not to say he won’t be good, just keep expectations in check.

Nate McLouth – HR yesterday and 4 RBIs.  Hopefully this big game can endear him to Braves fans enough so he gets his own racist chant.  I vote for swigging motions with Chumbawamba playing.

Jason Frasor – On today’s episode of As The Bullpen Turns, Frasor got the win in the 8th, Ryan started the ninth and Accardo finished it for the save.  After the game, Cito Gaston said, “Fantasy baseball players should consider themselves lucky I didn’t bring in Dirk Hayhurst to face one batter in the 9th.”  So what to make of the B.J. Frasordo closerousel… I’d pick up Frasor, Ryan then Accardo, in that order.  Frasor came into a pressure situation in the 8th.  There wouldn’t have been a save if not for him.  So there was no reason to save him for the ninth.  Ryan came in to start the ninth, but was a bit shaky.  Accardo was a fresh arm and got the save.

Jayson Werth – Hit his 10th homer on Tuesday, on Wednesday his 11th and yesterday he hit his… 12th!  C’mon, these are gimmes.

Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer of the Philly series as the flat-footed DH played outfield to get his bat in the lineup.  I wonder if anyone asked for his autograph in Philly by yelling, “Hey, Burrell!”

Ryan Madson – Gave up the winning run in the ninth.  In about a week, we’ll be able to do a find/replace with Lidge’s name.

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 1 ER.  I will see you, Mr. Blackburn, in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.

Joe Mauer – Went 3-for-4 playing shortstop and wearing a Brendan Harris jersey.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners and 2 Ks.  Strong start since he was struggling away from home.

Alexei Ramirez – Back-to-back games with a home run.  4 of 7 homers now in interleague.  Alexei likey when no one knows to throw him breaking pitches.

Derrek Lee – Hit his 8th homer yesterday.  Now batting around .335 for May/June combined.  Still nary a steal on the season.  You done drafted Lyle Overbay!

Geovany Soto – HR and steal yesterday (4th and 1st respectively).  Even if he gets to 15 homers this year, he’s still worth shopping around to see if he can bring in a better piece at a different position.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday.  Hasn’t shown much since his call-up and he’s not even playing regularly, but that could change as Rox start to get traded.

Craig Stammen – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER.  Of course he blanked the Yanks.  In 9 games in Triple-A, he had a 7.33 ERA. Zoinks!

Ricky Nolasco – Probably sonavabenches across the board for Nolasco as he threw a one-hitter against the Sawx yesterday.  Before you start spraying the silly string that Nolasco’s back, it was a rain-shortened five inning game.

Ronnie Paulino - For those out there that change catchers like they should change their underwear, Paulino’s hot with 3 homers in two games.

Chris Davis – Hit his 13th homer yesterday as he went 1-for-4.  It’s bad when a 1-for-4 raises your average.  He now has 97 Ks on season.  Dave Kingman just shuddered.

Jose Valverde – Picked up the save.  Hawkins is now safe to drop.  Not during a trust exercise though, that wouldn’t be nice.

Luke Hochevar - 4 IP, 6 ER.  Hope he didn’t get you with the ol’ throw-a-great-game-then-a-terrible-game trick.

Krispie Young – 4-for-4, with a steal.  Unfortunately, he left the game with a leg injury.  I would’ve thought he sold his soul for more than one 4 hit game.  God knows Zobrist did.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Final score, ARI 12, KC 5.  Kazaam!

Mark Reynolds – 12 runs and 16 hits for the Diamondbacks.  Reynolds went 0-for-6.  Ticker Tease!

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Last game he only went 3 innings.  Time before that he went 2 and a third innings.  Hello, five starts from now when he throws a complete game.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2 HRs for The Big FraGu!  Though still not worth anything outside of AL-Only leagues.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-4, with a homer.  Someone didn’t get the memo about pitching around him.

Chris Young – After saying he would go to the DL, then saying he wouldn’t, it now looks like Young will hit the DL.  He takes as long to go to the DL as he does going home on a pitch.

Magglio Ordonez – Benched indefinitely by Leyland.  Are his teammates calling him Rey?  Maybe he caught BHD (Bobby Higginson Disease)…

Mel Hall – Received 45 years of prison time for out-perving former Yankee teammate, Luis Polonia.  Our hope is that ESPN doesn’t greenlight the early 90s sequel to The Bronx Is Burning.