Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hanley Ramirez said he wasn’t lollygagging after the ball.  I see his point.  You can’t chase after the ball.  You kick the ball to the curb, neg it then hope the ball comes back to you.  That’s Pickup Artist Rules 101.  Hanley was benched yesterday and now there’s talk he may get traded.  Fredi said, “We don’t want the game played like that in front of our fans.”  Insert your “There are no Marlin fans” joke here.  I don’t think he’s traded away.  In fact, I think all this shizz blows over in a day or so.  What are the Marlins going to do?  Trade away their best player?  As someone in the audience of Jerry Springer might say, “Pay first month on that puh-lease.”  Fredi Gonzalez will be out of job before Hanley gets traded.  Hanley being Manny and the Marlins will learn to deal with it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – Hit his 2nd homer of the year.  That’s so Maybin!

Grady Sizemore – Had an MRI on his knee.  Know why?  Cause they can’t do an MRI on his bat.

Andre Ethier – Placed on the DL as lispers everywhere mourn.  But his name was Ethier to say! My guess is he’ll miss close to a month.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has been incredible so far this year.  ERA at 2.61, WHIP’s at 0.97 as he leads the AL in innings.  He gets the Diamondbacks next in the no-DH, swing-friendly desert.  Yes, please.

Edwin Encarnacion – Hit a home run in his first at-bat back.  He’s fine in deep leagues as a stopgap, but when Snider returns in ten days, Edwin will lose playing time to Bautista.  To paraphrase, you Edwin some, you lose some.

David Price – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His 1.81 ERA is a bit of a mirage obviously, but he can be a good one for a long time to come.

Trevor Hoffman – Don’t you love when a guy’s ERA and WHIP says INF and INF?  That’s short for infested.  As in, my pitching was fine today except for the Trevor Hoffman infestation.  The Brewers could go to Villanueva or Coffey, in that order.  They should.  Will they is a whole different story.  They may ask Hoffman to go to the Disgraceful List to save face and my ERA and WHIP.   Then again, I can’t believe the Brewers have stuck with Hoffman as long as they have, so really what do I know?  Besides where you live.  That’s me standing behind you.  Hey!

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first steal of the year.  Now only 3 RBIs away from leading the NL.  Considering his lineup and where he hits in it, it’s not completely fluky.  That’s assuming RBIs aren’t fluky, of course.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, as he bats .329.  His average has now dropped about 50 points since I made him a Sell.  It’s your team, friend.

Carlos Quentin – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs after getting almost a week off for unsportsmanlike behavior.  You know, not hitting, fielding, running or anything else from his sport.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with a homer yesterday, but that’s not his bag.  It’s steals.  Who is he?  He’s the guy who’s playing every day in the Giants outfield while batting 2nd.  So why don’t you know him?  Because he’s 32 years old.  When you don’t know a guy that’s 32, you wonder where he’s been, right?  The minors.  On and off since 1998.  He’ll get exploited soon, but he’s a source of steals while he’s hitting.

Jason Donald – 2-for-3 in his major league debut.  He batted ninth, which makes sense since the Indians have Trevor Crowe and Mark Grudzielmacallit at the top of the order.  Can’t break those two up.  They’re like peas and carrots.  Over boiled, unsalted peas and carrots that you wouldn’t feed to the dog.  In the case of Sooner vs. Later, Jason Donald should move up the order.

Carlos Zambrano – Lou Piniella said, “We moved Zambrano to the bullpen because he had a 7.40 ERA.  He now has 7.07 ERA.  So that worked as well as everything else I’ve done this year.  I am Sweet Lou.  Now pray to my sweetness.”  The preceding wasn’t an exact quote.  So Z’s moving back to the rotation.  Z magnifique?  Nope.  Z adequate?  Yup.  I said I wouldn’t own him in the preseason, ended up drafting him then dropped him.  I’m not rushing out to grab him again.  Z you later!

Luke Scott – Yesterday, he hit his 5th and 6th homers since May 8th.  He has 9 homers overall.  He won’t have value for longer than two or three weeks, so if you want/need power, Scott is providing it right now.  Now go take your emoticons and pick him up.

Corey Patterson – Hit his 2nd homer of the year (he only has, like, 25 ABs).  Patterson’s one of the streakiest hitters out there.  After Luke Scott, of course.  And that, sir, is no slander.  You want slander?  Luke Scott and Corey Patterson usually suck dog balls.

Kevin Millwood – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I grabbed him in one league for his two start week. (He gets the Nats in his next start.  It’s a’ight in most H2H leagues.)

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Lately, F-Her has been more like F-Me.  Someone in the comments yesterday mentioned F-Her might be battling a sore back.  It could be since his WHIP is out of control right now.  Not normal for him.

Troy Glaus – Hit his 4th homer in his last seven games.  These waiver wire guys don’t stay hot forever.  Well, except for Jose Bautista and Ty Wigginton.

Kris Medlen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Actually pitched better than the line shows.  Medlen made only two mistakes and coasted through 5 of 6 innings.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was appropriately enough Greinke’d!

Tyler Clippard – Took the loss as he moves to a 7-3 record.  Starting pitchers who have not missed a start only have 9 starts.  Clippard’s got ten decisions!  Yes, my voice is cracking right now like Tim Kurkjian.

Juan Miranda – The not-so-young Yankee rookie hit a homer yesterday.  After the homer, Miranda doffed his fruit basket to the crowd.  He’s a bit old for prospect status, but if the Yankees slot him in at DH for an extended period of time, he could hit some homers.  Right now, it’s not clear he’ll have every day time.  Fine in AL-Only leagues, I’d wait a bit in mixed leagues.

Miguel Olivo – Left the game after trying to do The Triple Lindy slide into 2nd base.  As of post time, he’s day-to-day.  Somewhere, Chris Iannetta laughs maniacally.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He gets the Royals next and that’s tough to pass up, but after that game I’ll probably say you shouldn’t own him in any mixed leagues.  You’ve been served!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in 3 games.  First, Quentin now the other Latino Chuck is clicking.  Don’t think Carlos Lee is anything more than a 25 homer, .270 hitter, but considering how bad he’s been, you’ll take it.

Felipe Lopez – Homered as he hit leadoff.  He’ll probably stay at the top of the order since no one else is hitting on the Cards and La Russa’s not crazy/drunk enough to bat the pitcher leadoff.  Or is he?

Torii Hunter – Now has 2 homers in 2 games.  Must be heating up in Texas aka Coors South.

Jered Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  I was thinking I should bench him because of Arlington and the Rangers scare me.  Unfortunately, I went with the bold move to start him.  Stupid nads.

C.J. Wilson – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You had to kinda figure the 1.48 ERA wasn’t gonna hold all year.  If you didn’t, you should read this.  Wilson may quickly become a guy you only want to start on the road.  Am I seeing the future?  Yes.  Enjoy your Beef ‘n Macaroni at lunch.  No, that’s not a hair.  It’s yarn.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks as the Pirates beat him.  Ladies and gentlemen, you’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land where Carlos Silva wins his fifth game and the Pirates beat Roy Halladay — Next stop, The Twilight Zone!

Josh Beckett – Left the game with the same back problems that forced him to miss a start earlier in the season.  Chris Berman would diagnose Beckett with “back, back, back” problems.

Saul Rivera, who is surprisingly not related to Eli Whiteside, was acquired by the Diamondbacks.  Big shakes, huh?  Yeah, Rivera could get into the mix for saves.  Another potential candidate for saves is… Wait for it… Here it comes… It’s here somewhere… Where are my notes… Oh, here they are… That’s my freakin’ shopping list, and I didn’t even spell minestrone right… Oh, here… Aaron Heilman!  Not sure how the D-Backs are going to have a bullpen of Saul and Heilman.  Sounds like the outtakes for Schlinder’s List.  Saul walks 3 batters and turns the game over to Heilman.  Heilman enters and says, “I pardon you, Saul.”  Heilman will probably get exploited for being, well, not so good and having small fingers, but Qualls is close to getting removed from the closer role.  Right now, Heilman’s the setup man and he gave up a run yesterday.  The Diamondbacks also dropped Bob Howry.  Why?  Because.  Oh, and there’s Juan Gutierrez.  That’s not a closerousel, THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL!  I’d own Qualls and Heilman.  Gutierrez and I, we’re like Kramer vs. Kramer and Juan just let our kid fall from the jungle gym.  He’ll be scarred for life!  And never be in another film.  As for Saul Rivera, I’ll get my lox from somewhere else.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Hey, it’s the old Edwin Jackson!  Actually, the old Edwin Jackson was floundering for a few years with the Rays.  Hey, it’s the relatively new Edwin Jackson!  Well, actually, Edwin hasn’t been good at all this year.  Hey, it’s the newer than old, older than new Edwin Jackson!  That has a good ring to it.  I don’t think Edwin’s turned a corner.  I think the Marlins are just the 2nd easiest team to strikeout after the Diamondbacks.

Mark Reynolds – Mini Donkey was out of the lineup with the flu.  Big Donkey, Adam Dunn, was also out with the flu.  They must not have been in-donk-ulated.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Bad year to be an M.I.C (Middle Infield Cabrera).  EverCab already spent time on the DL and now Ass-Cab will be out for a while with a broken arm.  (BTW, how do you go from a Whore-Ram (Horacio Ramirez) to a Man-Ram (Manny Ramirez)?  You take an Ass-Cab.)  Asdrubal was driven off the field in a cart that beeped with a sad trombone.  He’s not coming back any time soon.  My guess is at least two months on the DL.

Luis Valbuena – And Jason Donald will fill in for Asdrubal.  As of right now, they’re only worth owning in AL-Only leagues.  Donald is a bit more interesting, but it depends on how much time he’ll see.  If he gets every day ABs, he could surprise with some very light pop and speed.

Grady Sizemore – CBS Sportsline, which is a sad, sad site, said, “Gimpy Sizemore sits out.”  That nickname works for me.

Ryan Howard – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 7th homer.  He has 13 days left of May.  How many homers will he have on June 1st?  13?  14?

Travis Snider – To the DL with a strained wrist.  If he had a strained groin with his strained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand.  DL him if you can, Snider will be back.

Nick Johnson – Having surgery on his wrist, out until July.  Hold on, July’s on the phone.  Turns out Johnson’s not returning until September.

Jeff Francoeur – Out of the lineup for two straight days.  I.e., Frenchy’s on the benchy.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  After getting roughed last week vs. the Nats, he looked better, but still not dominant against a team whose offense is relying on Eric Hinske.

Hanley Ramirez – Left the game with a sore ankle.  Sore ankle is shorthand for Hanley didn’t hustle after a ball and Fredi Gonzalez lost his shizz and pulled him from the game.

Randy Wells – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I’m John Cusack with how much I’m liking Randy Wells this year.  Wells has been unlucky and his ERA is still only at 4.13.  I’m not a fan of his next start though.  Oh, Wells.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a home run.  It was almost called a double when it hit a pig flying by.

Corey Patterson – 1-for-2, 3 Runs and 2 steals.  Corey’s the type to steal 10 bases in a month.  SAGNOF!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs) and 4 Ks vs. a team he should’ve wiped the mat with King Kong Bundy-style.  Okay for matchups (like his next one), but his walks are a bit out of control.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, and a steal.  As bad as he’s been, he’s still been hitting lefties, which he’ll get four more of this week.

Ian Desmond – 4-for-4, 1 Run, no Steals, no RBIs, no s’s, no g’s.  Gotta be honest, he’s one of the more yawnstipating players I own.  Do something, man!  Hit a homer, steal a base, something!

Alcides Escobar – Stole his first base of the year.  Now only needs one more steal to tie Lou Marson.

Corey Hart – 3-for-4, 2 homers.  Now has 7 homers, 3 steals and a .287 average.  Has 4 homers in the last 4 games.  Maybe he finally took those stupid sunglasses off.  Worth owning in all leagues while he’s hitting.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.67 on the year.  Gets the Indians next time out.  The Indians suck.  You do the math!

Jonny Gomes – Hit another homer.  I wonder if when a Reds player says, “Yo, Jonny” if they also say, “Sans H,” so Cueto doesn’t look.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.94 ERA on the year.  Hodgepadre!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  No walks, but that was only because the Blue Jays never saw a pitch they didn’t like.  To give you an idea of how mediocre this start was, during the better part of the telecast all Blyleven kept talking about is how Slowey doesn’t look right.  Even Roy Smalley got in the act.  Though I’m not sure what Roy Smalley knows about pitching except how not to hit it.

Jose Bautista – Hit his 11th homer yesterday.  At this point, I’m surprised he hit only one in this game.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t a great start.  Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not 100% healthy.

John Ely – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s now only walked 3 guys (1 intentional) in 25 and 2/3 innings and has a 3.51 ERA with a 0.94 WHIP.  Yes, you should own him.

Javier Vazquez – Got the win vs. the Red Sox!  Sure, he only pitched one-third of an inning, but baby steps.

Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 solo homers as the Sawx and Yanks combined for 7 homers.  What is everyone doing at Yankee Stadium?  Is it the Macarena?  The Electric Slide?  No, it’s The Jetstream!

Mike Napoli – Hit one home run yesterday and hit another fly ball that just missed going out by about one and half David Ecksteins.  After Napoli returned to the dugout, Scioscia gave him the half head nod that the crusty vet gives the young upstart in all those sports movies.  I dropped some schmohawk catcher for Napoli in one of my leagues.

Derek Holland – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I might sound like an apologist, but this start was better than how the line looks.  Holland had a no-hitter into the 5th inning until Juan Rivera hit an infield single that should’ve been an error then Napoli followed with the homer.

Hank Blalock – 2-for-5 with an RBI as he hit 5th.  It’s not an endorsement.  It’s a Cust kayin’.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs as he hit one WTF (Warning Track Fly).  Butler did take care of the game-winning rally.  Know how Butler starts rallies?  By burning his bra.

I’m bitter.  I dropped Brennan Boesch in one league on Wednesday night for Russell Branyan.  Branyan DNP yesterday.  Boesch hit a homer off CC.  All my ex-classmates at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston are going get on my case.  That’s Waiver Wire 101, man!  I’m chagrined. The problem is someone like Branyan will continue to play after Carlos Guillen comes back.  For one, they don’t play on the same team.  I can’t say the same about Boesch.  I mean, I can, but it would be a lie.  Boesch can hit; I like the little meister.  If Guillen has a setback, I’ll want to own Boesch from H-to-T.  Or if the Tigers make Guillen the backup, I’m all in on Boesch, but I’m going on the assumption that he won’t have everyday playing time when Guillen returns.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Imagine if he ever got his April act together.  But then maybe his September pitching would be a holy eff bomb.  Not sure.  Something to think about while your significant other is talking about their day.

Scott Sizemore – 0-for-3, Lost in the haze of Gordon Beckham’s awfulness is this guy.  Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?

Felix Hernandez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks as he got Greinke’d.  The next sentence will be typed with my tears.  I can’t buy a Win.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-4 with a home run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Now go to the Razzball homepage and don’t blink for five hours.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-3, batting .185 on the year.  The good news is it’ll be easy to go back to hating this schmohawk next year.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks as he finally got his first win.  Just like the Royals to fire their manager after a Win.  How dare you raise our fan’s expectations!

Alfredo Simon – Recorded his 5th save yesterday.  Now has more saves than Broxton.  Zoinks!

Corey Patterson – 2-for-4 with a homer from the leadoff spot.  He was hitting in the minors when he was called up and he’s capable of getting hot for a week or two at a time.  In the big picture, Patterson is not a good hitter, so if you want in, you get in now.  You’ll need to get out soon though.  To put it in New Jersey terms, you pass through Patterson, you don’t stay there.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now has 8 homers in only 27 games since he missed just over a week with injuries.  “If he stays healthy, he appears to be headed for a huge season,” Mr. Obvious says.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I blame the weather.  No, I blame Coors.  No, I blame Ryan Zimmerman.  Actually, I blame Chacin and the fact he’s a rookie.  Inconsistency is to be expected when you play with rookie fire.  And Jhoulys is Aztec for fire.  No, that’s not true.  I don’t know what a Jhoulys is.  Could mean pants.

Huston Street – Supposed to be a week away from returning, but Huston Street is paved with a lot of injury setbacks, so keep your excitement in check.

Hank Blalock – Scott Boras is telling anyone that will listen that Blalock can still play in the majors and he wants in now.  Though, it’s probably Boras’s assistant; can’t imagine S.B. has time to worry about Blalock.  Put Teixeira on hold, Blalock is on the line!  Riiiiight.  Blalock did hit last year and should be capable of producing in the majors, but he needs an everyday job.  I’m not adding him anywhere.  If you’re in a very deep league, I could see it.  Like an 18 team league that only uses Scott Boras clients.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Wait, was he pitching against the Astros?  Norris has upside, but he’s far too inconsistent to trust in mixed leagues at this point.

Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, as he hit his 5th homer and his third in four games. Your time to buy low is 4 PM, three days ago.

Jorge Cantu – 0-for-4 as he bats .146 in May.  Member when I told you to sell him at the end of April?  Member all of the people who commented that Cantu can keep this up?  Wha’ happened?

Jake Fox – 3-for-5 as he got his 2nd straight start after only getting one start in the previous two weeks.  I realize Landon Powell is awesome and all on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Josh Donaldson is related to Colby, but can’t someone figure out how to play Jake Fox every day?  He has catcher eligibility!

Mat Latos – 9 IP, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks.  The only player to get a hit was Eli Whiteside, who I would think looks like Hyman Roth if I didn’t know any better.  The good news on Latos, he’s cut his walks dramatically so far this year, which was a bugaboo last year.  It’still early, but he has a 0.97 WHIP on the year.  A very nice sign.  BTW, the “s” I saved in “It’still,” I’m passing that on to you.  You’re welcome.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks and now has a 2.66 ERA and 1.07 WHIP on the year.  I’d be thrilled if he stays on this course all year.  Okay, a Win would be nice, but if I wanted Wins I’d own Tyler Clippard.

Mark DeRosa – Could be headed to the DL.  If it happens, John Bowker will get his third chance to fail in three years.  If only the very forgiving Giants had Jake Fox…

Brad Lidge – The MRI showed no problems with his right elbow.  After the test, Lidge said he felt so good he could go for another three MRIs.

Halladay is the vet who averages 10 innings a game. AJ Burnett is the high-paid free agent with filthy stuff. McGowan is the prospect that’s on the verge of greatness, but Marcum has the best ERA, WHIP and K rate. That’s right, Shaun Marcum! Wait, who? Um, he’s from Missouri. You know, Marcum! He’s prone to the home run ball and… Let’s see… He’s averaging about one baserunner every seven starts. He has a ridiculous BABIP that’s under .200… (Grey, please no numbers!) Okay, sorry, grasshopper. So what are some predictions? Marcum is a solid #3 starter that should have between a 3.50 and 4.00 ERA the rest of the way. *nodding off* I’m sorry. What? Oh, Marcum! Right! Wow, Marcum is boring, right? He’s throwing a .87 WHIP through May and I can’t get excited about him at all. Maybe it’s because he’s from Missouri. Where is Missouri? Do they have TV there? Isn’t that Cardinals country? Why am I talking about the Cardinals? Cause Marcum’s really boring. But he can be helpful. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Brandon Webb – Has dropped 2 in a row since the 9 game winning streak. If you convince someone in your league that he’s going to lose 7 more in a row, go for it. He’s as good a bet as there is for a starting pitcher right now. Worthy of a straight-up trade with just about any hitter not picked in the 1st round.

Jair Jurrjens – He was removed after 4 and 2/3 innings when he was up 2 runs. Sometimes a Cox yanking doesn’t lead to a happy ending.

Melky Cabrera – After a great April, Melky has been awful in May. Figure he’ll be in-between for the rest of the year which makes him a 15/15 OF who varies from 5th OF to droppable in most leagues.

Jason Bergmann – It’s hard to believe in anyone in Washington, but we’re fast becoming believers in Bergmann. 3 straight scoreless outings with 22 Ks in 19.2 IP. He was a reliever in the minors so it’s hard to project his stats, but he pitched OK last year in his first stint with the Nationals. Ride the streak and see where it takes you.

Corey Patterson – We suggest he move in with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. They can all star in Lost Boys 2. (BTW, after offhandedly mentioning Sidney Pollack in Sunday night’s post, I wouldn’t stand too close to the Two Coreys today.)

Chase Headley – We told you about Ian Stewart 10 ten days prior to his call-up. We told you about Jay Bruce eight days prior. Headley should be up soon too. So if you’re still holding onto him, keep holding onto him. Let’s reevaluate in a week. (BTW, I don’t think everyone needs Headley, but if you’re weak at 3rd or corner, you might.)

Cristian Guzman – I feel like he could go 100/40/.330/40 and no one would ever pick him up and, next year, no one would draft him. It would be an interesting experiment to see if Cristian Guzman hit 27 home runs in a month, how long it would take for people to think he was for real and pick him up. I’d say he’d still be at 33% owned at the end of the month. Am I saying this because I think he’s worth a pickup and no one is because of preconceived notions? Oh, heck no. I just philosophize about mock drafts and fantasy expertise; you can call me a White-Mustachioed Socrates.

Chad Tracy – No one likes a red-headed stepchild. All he’s going to do is steal ABs from Co-Jack and Mark Reynolds.

Salomon Torres – If you feel like it’s a broken record, I apologize, but he can be the closer for two months. Team decisions about who is getting paid more (Backne) might affect the outcome, but don’t think Torres can’t do the job. “This was paid for by the committee to avoid a closer by committee.”

Ryan Spilborghs – A Corky Thatcher-looking skull that looks like it can be bought at Spencer Gifts is an alien God? Karen Allen looked like she’s too old to be dating Tommy Lee Jones forget Indiana Jones. Shia LaDouce is a tough-ass greaser? Why not just put a comb in Jonathan Lipnicki’s back pocket? *realizing it’s Spilborghs, not Spielberg* Oh, um, Spilborghs has been batting fourth with Holliday out. If he’s facing a lefty, you should absolutely have him in your lineup.

Chase Utley/Ryan Howard – I’m only surprised when one of them doesn’t hit a home run.

Kosuke Fukudome – Lately, he’s been like Ichiro without the speed or Matsui without the power. Either way, he’s in a serious funkudome.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Gary Sheffield – Oblique spasms. Perhaps they were caused by the fork poking him to check if he’s done.

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Camden Chat and Oriole Post vent and illuminate on ESPN’s blinding love for the Yanks and Sawx. Can’t the Worldwide Leader give the O’s some love?

River Ave Blues uses box score results vs. hype to justify all the excitement over Joba moving to the starting rotation. What is up with these bloggers? Look away people. A true journalist relies simply on intonation and hyperbole. Here is how it’s done. (nice Sports Hernia post on the audio)

Redleg Nation teases us with news that a Jay Bruce is imminent. Check out the post comments – no surprise they want Corey Patterson out the door. More surprising to see the fans ready to say goodbye to Griffey. When Griffey hits his 600th HR, they should give him the hamstring from a cadaver.

Lone Star Ball commits a felony in Texas by inferring that Nolan Ryan might be wrong about something. The concern is that Nolan Ryan has never developed players before and his edict that their minor league pitchers will throw more pitches per game might be detrimental. My POV – no need to worry. Anytime you have a decent pitching prospect, you trade them anyway (Chris Young, John Denks, Edinson Volquez)…

Surviving Grady covers Bartolo Colon’s first start and shows a clip of umpire Tom Hallion going Enrico Palazzo on Colon’s first strikeout of the night. Guess it’s just Hallion being Hallion. Nice catch by announcer Jerry Rummy…I mean Ginny Remy….I mean Jerry Remy.