Fantasy Baseball Advice

While Ed Wade was sleeping off his hangover on Saturday, his Toupee decided to mix things up and actually give Astros fans something to be excited about.  (This is excluding Carlos Lee’s riveting chase to be the 83rd player with 350 home runs.)  The Astros number one prospect, Jordan Lyles, will take over Wandy’s rotation spot.  So the Astros bring up Lyles, but do I Lovett?  His K-rate has been pretty poor in Triple-A, but spots his pitches pretty well without overpowering–  Burp.  Sorry, meant to write gas, not pass it.  He’s not worth grabbing in most mixed leagues, but he’s the kind of guy that could be a game changer in NL-Only leagues where waiver wire adds are a mix of yawnstipating and down right atrocious.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Wandy Rodriguez – The Wandwagon fell off the tracks and heads to the DL with fluid in his elbow.  I wonder if the fluid is acai berry juice, that’s packed with antioxidants!  He should implant a straw into his elbow and drink it.

Francisco Liriano – Will miss one start with a sore shoulder.  He couldn’t hurt himself and miss starts when he was still pitching poorly?

Joe Nathan – Headed to the DL.  They should send the entire Twins offense there, too.

Brandon Belt – Proving Sciosciapath’s come in different shapes and area codes, Bochy announced that Belt would be used primarily as a bench bat.  This move is so incomprehensible to me that I tend to think Bochy’s just saying it to ease Belt into the majors for this second go around.  He can’t actually be contemplating stunting the progress of his top prospect by calling him up and putting him on the bench.  This would be like your boss at Little Caesars telling you that your pizza making skills are too good to be washing dishes, so he promotes you to watching others make pizza while your skills get rusty.  Let Belt make pizza!

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, home run.  There’s still a number one Sciosciapath and he manages the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles.  On Saturday, he started Branyan against a righty and benched Trumbo.  Not good for Trumbo’s fantasy value. <–Well, obviously.  Hopefully, Trumbo’s home run yesterday will lead to him starting over the prospblock.

Corey Patterson – Five hits in an extra inning game, including a game-winning home run on Saturday.  4-for-5 with his 4th homer on Sunday.  That’s more hits than the 2 Coreys combined (Goonies, Stand by Me and Prayer of the Rollerboys).

Aaron Hill – Finally, he hit his 1st home run of the season.  If La Russa was managing the opposing team, he would’ve x-rayed Hill’s bat to make sure it wasn’t Bautista’s.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd home run of the season.  He tends to get scolding hot for extended stretches, so if someone dropped him in your league, I’d grab him.

Vance Worley – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Guess they can wait before they add a 5th head to Mt. Philmore.

Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4 and three steals in the last two days.  He’s not quite the guy who won the MVP a few years ago, but he’s also not as dusty as I thought he’d be.  Then again, he’ll probably pull a hammy by July and miss a month.

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5 with 2 triples as he got too excited and had a serious case of premature extrabasulation.

Sean O’Sullivan – 5 2/3 IP, 10 ER.  Appropriately, his initials are SOS.

Joakim Soria – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Wow, he’s a mess.  Wouldn’t be surprised to hear him placed on the Disgraceful List any day now.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff lower back as his dream season continues.  Maybe next he can run over your dog.

Scott Sizemore – Traded to the A’s and was sent down to learn 3rd base.  I’d start at The Cactus Album then try Derelicts of Dialect.

Ryan Raburn – Will be the everyday 2nd baseman with the Sizemore trade.  Terrific, fantastic, c’est bonderful, but he still needs to hit.

John Danks – 4 IP, 9 ER.  That’s one way to stop the White Sox’s six man rotation.

Yunesky Maya – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Nats called him up for Sunday’s start.  Due to my love for all things Cuban — cigars, plantains, rafts — I’m watching to see if Maya can make good on his promise, but four earned in four innings isn’t a great sign.

Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’d say we’d reevaluate if he pitched well, and, what do you know, he did.  I’d now look to grab him in deeper mixed leagues where you need to gamble on upside.  He didn’t show it Saturday, but he can strike guys out.  Yummo!

Eric Young Jr. – Since his call up, 5 for 14 and a steal while starting every day.  If you’re in a quiet place, you may want to turn down the volume on the next sentence.  PICK HIM UP!

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 6 ER as his troubles against lefties continues.  I have an idea, you play Carmona at first and let him pitch to the lefties.  You snicker like I’m a gooftard, but people snickered when Doug Allison of the Cincinnati Red Stockings used the first leather glove in 1870.  They called balderdash, but it was not balderdash, my kind sir.  It was not!

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Member when you were like I wanna drop him, YoGa’s stretching my patience?  He’s now lowered his ERA from 7.10 to 3.89 in less than a month with a 1.29 ERA since May 7th.

Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach will take over for Sonnanstine in the Rays rotation.  He was knocked around pretty good in his spot start earlier this year vs. the Not Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels, but he has been solid in Triple-A.  1.14 ERA, plus-9 K-rate, limits walks and keeps the ball down.  His drawback is his lack of an overpowering fastball.  For now, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues because of his division and lack of experience.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Good season so far.  Too bad a pitcher with Hell in his name wasn’t around when they were called the Devil Rays.  Could’ve had some goat blood tie-ins and virgin sacrifices.  First virgin could’ve been Cowboy Jon from the second Real World.

Evan Longoria – 4-for-7 and a home run but only one RBI as he spent the weekend hitting lead off.  Supposedly, the idea of him leading off came about when the team was in the clubhouse having lunch.  He swan’d out a napkin for Upton and Fuld called him a great table-setter.  Maddon overheard and the rest is history.  (It’s as plausible as any other reason to bat Longoria lead off.)

Jay Bruce – Hit another home run as he continues to invite his fantasy owners to his star mitzvah.

Blake Tekotte – 0-for-3, but got his 2nd start in the row.  Tekotte (Tea-coat-e) has good plate discipline and decent speed (30 SBs over a season).  For now, it’s gotta be a very deep league to contemplate him because his playing time isn’t guaranteed.  Though, the Padres should keep Tekotte’s fanny off the bench for a twilight.  (A’la Comic Book Guy, “Lamest.  Pun.  Ever!”)

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He continues to pitch better than he has any right to, but, hey, while he’s got it, flaunt it.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Finally, the correction I craved!  Now, if only Jaime Garcia would get hit hard.  Oh, wait a second…  Muahahahahaha…  Breath, Grey, breath! Thanks, random italicized voice.

Mike Napoli – 2 games this weekend, 2 homers.  This is why you Ron Popeil your catcher.  At the end of the season, you’ll look at Napoli’s stats and you’ll be fine with the 20-plus home runs, bleh average and decent RBIs.  Then next March, you’ll look at his stats again and draft him, then next April you’ll drop him.

Jon Jay – Hitting over .400 in May, .464 in the last 7 games and he hit a home run on Sunday.  Doesn’t have huge power or speed, but worth the flyer to see how long he can keep it going.

Allen Craig – Has been playing 2nd base to try and get offense into the Cards lineup.  La Russa said something interesting about the move, “It’s not a wacky thing where there’s nothing to gain.”  In all seriousness, I think this is a peek into La Russa’s mind where he knows some of the things he does are wacky, it’s just this is not one of them.  Here’s La Russa’s mind, “Batting the pitcher eighth?  Okay, wacky.  Changing the closer every third day?  A little wacky.  Wearing a live puppy-kitten scarf?  Definitely wacky!  Starting a good bat at a weak offensive spot?  Not so wacky.”

Jaime Garcia – 3 1/3 IP, 11 ER and 15 baserunners.  Altar boys rejoice in the karma of a Cardinal being violated.

As I was sipping from my high-priced stemware that also happens to feature Star Wars characters, I got to thinking about how lucky I was to grab Eric Hosmer in one league.  I patted myself on the back and took a dive onto my water bed.  As the posturepedic waves crashed over me, I slept.  A few hours later, I woke in a panic.  Water was dripping from my forehead.  Was there a leak in my bed?  No.  I was sweating, worried I fell for the hype machine like when I bought 10 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards for the incredibly low price of $9.  (On a baseball card side note, I was one of those schmohawks thinking baseball cards are only going to appreciate in value.  They are going to be so rare!  Ooh, a Mark McGwire 1987 card!  Better hold on to that one!  Wally Joyner has some pop!  Stock up!  Randy Velarde is the next Bucky Dent!  Put that one in a sleeve!  Now you can buy 200 cards for a nickel.  Alas…)  Is Hosmer going to be great with a side order of splendiferous?  Probably, friend, assuming splendiferous is a word.  But he’s a rookie.  A 2007 Ryan Braun rookie season is crazy rare.  Most rookie seasons are pretty just a’ight.  Some solid streaks, some funky streaks where it looks like they’re playing in a burlap sack.  In ESPN, Hosmer went from 1% to over 90% owned in a week.  Since 40% of ESPN leagues are filled with abandoned owners, that tells me 130% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) are excited about Hosmer.  That’s your chance to sell high, you savvy fantasy owner you.  Obviously, in keepers, you hold tight.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility.  How’s that for a hard sell?  Or is it a hard Buy?  Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…

Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s.  Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage.   Hopefully Nucky backs him.  It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside.  Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station?  Way to reach your potential!  Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.

Jason Bartlett – Speaking of black holes, it’s the Padres offense!  “I’ve been hitting the ball well for the last ten days.”  That’s a Bartlett quotation.

Carlos Pena – He’s over the ESPN ownership threshold that I usually look for (50% owned), but, even in ESPN leagues where the majority of the leagues are one owner with ten aliases, Pena should be owned more than he is.

Eric Hinske – This is the type of player I don’t like telling people to pickup outside of deep NL-Only leagues because at any moment he’ll either go back to the bench or start sucking from the suckhole.

Brandon Belt – He should be back any day (week?) now.  As we saw on his first trip through the majors, there’s no guarantee on how he’ll perform, but he should be better than he was.

Scott Rolen – You know what Scott Rolen is?  Gritty!  He’s cut from a different cloth than today’s players.  And he seems like a total douche.  While he’s healthy, I’d grab him.  He’s usually good for a short term add.

Rafael Furcal – He should be back within a week, so that puts his next DL-stint ETA at around three weeks from now.  Any the hoo!  You should own him while he’s playing (assuming you don’t have one of around 20 middle infielders that are better and/or less injury-prone).

Laynce Nix – He’s hitting around .400 over the least week.  Him and his brother, Jayson, tend to get hot for about one week a year.  Usually they’re pretty layme.  “I’m gonna make you eat that mustache of yours!” That’s their drunk, unemployed brother, Jaymes, prank calling me.

Corey Patterson – Started with Justin Turner Overdrive and now we’re talking about Corey “I could easily go 0-for-35 at any moment” Patterson.  This Buy post is a barn burner like the posse searching for John Wilkes Booth.

Roger Bernadina – I feel like I’ve heard his name somewhere before… Let me check my Memento-style tattoos:  1. Talk about Bernadina.  2. On Razzball.  3. There’s no 3.

Eric Thames – Don’t you wanna call him Ericus Thames?  Hey, maybe it’s just me!  He put up some pretty spectacular numbers in the PCL, but, as we all know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  Thames still has pop… Jose Bautista, “Call me Dad.”  Um, okay, Bautista.  If I were in an AL-Only league, I’d grab Thames for a little HBI (Hot Bat Injection), but he’ll probably strike out a ton and I’d hold for now in mixed leagues.

Domonic Brown – He’s going to get called up within the next two weeks.  Or my name is not Grey “I’ll Admit To Seeing Brian Setzer In Concert…Once!” Albright.

Matt Guerrier/Kenley Jansen – See this morning’s post, it can be found in less than one mouse click.  Good luck!

Fernando Salas – Looks to be locked in as Cards closer, which, obviously, means he could get replaced by Sunday.

Wilton Lopez – Melancon is good to poop on, I wouldn’t even waste my waste on Lyon and Lopez is buried in the bullpen of a team that doesn’t win.  It’s not great, but that’s why they call it SAGNOF.

Jamey Wright – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – People are starting to catch on at ESPN that Arrieta should be owned, so be careful because that means he’s due for an explosion like you after a meal at El Torito.

SELL

Josh Johnson – No, don’t trade him for an autographed picture of Phyllis Diller.  But, yeah, I don’t like his injury history and he just had a forearm issue.  Everyone is saying he’s fine, and I believe them.  That still doesn’t mean another injury isn’t right around the corner.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper puts his pants on like everyone else.  One leg at a time.  Only he pulls a hamstring when he does it.  I’d drop him in most mixed leagues.

Justin Morneau – Hit his 2nd home run yesterday.  As Arnold used to say about his lover, “I love four baggers.”  We all do, Arnie.  But Morneau still doesn’t look right.  He’s too skinny.  Is he prepping a model chic look for Milan?  He looks malnourished like you should be sending a dollar a month to Minnesota to get him clean water and a bowl of rice.  I don’t know if his concussion led him to a diet of raw foods and Master Cleanses but something is up.  That’s between me, you and the guy behind you who’s photocopying his hand while he reads over your shoulder.  So you parlay this  “Morneau is back after his home run!” chatter and see if you can pawn him off for anything to another owner.  Now is your time to sell– nay, it’s your duty to act.  Go forth, young, socially awkward man and prosper!

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.

Since breaking Pink’s heart, Corey Hart has been living the surreal life.  He has 19 homers already with his career high being 24.  He has 61 RBIs, his career high is 91.  He has an Amish beard, his career high was scruff.  The Brewers are talking of trading their 80′s pop icon.  Say you, say me, are they crazy?  No, actually, those talking heads are making sense.  Yes, I’m talking to you owner of a Corey Hart.  (Oh, Corey Hart and your endless punsabilities.)  Hart’s HR/FB is way above his career high and the RBIs are a product of dumb luck.  His speed hasn’t really shown up this year, though it could.  But if it doesn’t, he’s giving all his fantasy value in power, something he can’t be counted on.  Not to mention, Corey Hart has never been the model of consistency.  In 2009, he was injured.  In 2008, he had 15 homers and a .289 average pre-All-Star break.  After the break, he hit .239 and 5 homers.  It’s nice you think you have Hart for a career year, but you really have Hart for a career 1st half.  Don’t trade him for a half ounce bag of oregano and three Phillie Blunts, but I’d see what you can get.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Corey Patterson – Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add for steals.  SAGNOF!

Andres Torres – Since I’m in a SAGNOF-y type mood, I figure I’d point out a guy that probably should’ve been owned for the last two months.  As the habitually tardy like to say, better late than never.

Coco Crisp – It’s true, I’m cuckoo for SAGNOF this week.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the ayyyyyy?

Dexter Fowler – Maybe we rename this post, Buys Ain’t Got No Face.

Travis Snider – The name sounds familiar but I can’t seem to place– Oh, Travis Snider!  Right, the guy who pulled a Kotchman with a sprained wrist.  Wrist injuries are never good for hitters, but Snider is starting to come around and could return soon after the All-Star break.  Worth a DL flyer.

Sean Rodriguez – If you’re just getting around to adding Sean-Rod right now, where ya been?  Working in a missionary in Africa?  Well, ain’t you the saint!  Ooh, St. What’s Your Name wants to add Sean-Rod now.  How nice!

Jayson Nix – I think his recent power exploits had more to do with Arlington, but if you’re dire for some lightning in your MI bottle, I’d take a flyer.

Jonathan Niese – Three straight solid starts and his K-rate looks mighty pretty, unlike his face which resembles Rocky Dennis.

Bronson Arroyo – With Arroyo, you don’t need to mullet over (hehe).  If you need a guy who can help you in ratios, here you are.

Madison Bumgarner – I just know that once I recommend him he’s going to explode in your face.  I’m sorry, but his starts so far have made it impossible for me to dissuade any longer.  At least his favorable park should make the inevitable roofie go down a little easier.

Daniel Hudson – In 17 games this year in Triple-A, he gave up 13 homers.  Sure, the park was pro-hitters, but it’s not like the White Sox play in Petco or Metco or Safeco or any sorta -co.  If you take the brand new Hudson out for a spin, its most promising feature is his K-rate.  He had 108 Ks in 93 1/3 IP in the Triple-A this year.  I’d buy that for a dollar! (But probably not for $2 or in shallow mixed leagues.)

Vicente Padilla – At home, his ERA is 3.05 ERA and he has more Ks than innings pitched.  And if you write a postcard to Vicente telling him you own him in fantasy, he’ll write you back, “Thank you, and may your future be as bright as the sun.”

Jordan Zimmermann – Had a very nice K-rate in his rookie season and is worth the stash if you have the DL room.  He could return by August.  The Nationals fans can now prepare their “You can’t spell Nationals without two N’s” signs as J.Z. works his concert tour around the minor leagues.

SELL

John Lackey – Owned in 97% of ESPN leagues.  He has a 5 K/9, a 4.40 ERA and a 4.85 xFIP.  This isn’t a Sell as much as a “I can’t believe you own him.”  I dropped him in a 15 team league and didn’t look back.  Shame on you, you’re selling your soul for Wins.

Ichiro Suzuki – It’s no secret my feelings for Ichiro.  If you’re new to Razzball — Hey! — So I’ll Cliff Note this for you, I don’t like Ichiro.  I think his regular baseball ability clouds people of his fantasy value, though after a few years talking only about fantasy, I’m not sure I can even judge regular baseball anymore.  What’s fielding?  He has a good arm?  I do not understand your strange language.  Ichiro doesn’t steal as much in the 2nd half of the year and that’s his only major plus right now besides average.  As the M’s dismantle the March 2010 Mariners Dynasty, his Runs may become hard to come by too.  Don’t move Ichiro for a complimentary audience ticket to a taping of Supermarket Sweep, but I’d look at offers.

Mat Latos – Latos will be limited and he’s pitching over his head.  Probably about two weeks late on this sell.  I apologize for that.  I’m only human… Okay, I’m a cyborg, but my programmer’s really good and says I’m so human-like it’s uncanny.  Thank you, programmer.  May I have more oil?

It seems like every year around this time I make Mark Teixeira a prime breakout candidate.  Why can’t he hit in April?  Does he need mittens?  His last three Aprils have produced a .245 average and 9 homers in 261 ABs.  No other month is close to that bad.   Last year, he got it going in May.  The year before he waited until June.  At some point, he’s always turns on the heat.  His park is terrific, his lineup equally so.  He’s always healthy, his HR/FB and BABIP are both low for him.  Yadda³.  There’s no reason to think there won’t be a turn around, bright eyes.  PABST stands for Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira.  As in, drink it up, cause that’s all you’re getting, you lush.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Luke Scott – Great Scott?  Hmm… Seems to be too much hyperbole.  How about Like Luke?  Yeah, that works better even if it’s not quite as exciting.  You won’t want Luke Scott for longer than another week or two.  He is this week’s random outfielder that can give you power for a few days/week.

Nate McLouth – Pretend this blurb is written in off-white, since this is a very faint Buy.

Jonny Gomes – Jonny Bat could be a longer term pickup than Luke Scott, but probably not by much.  Whatever though, he’s hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brennan Boesch – Doesn’t he sound like a proprietor of a German pub?  Maybe he’s married to St. Pauli’s Girl.  Either hoo, he has an opening for everyday playing time and he’s hitting.  Had solid power in the minors.  Don’t sleep on Boesch! (Because it’ll probably be uncomfortable.  Seriously, man, get a cot.)

Corey Hart – One of the few hitters on this list that could have value for longer than a few weeks.  If Hart gets back to the 20/20 guy he was not that long ago, he’s ownable everywhere.

Corey Patterson – Sticking with the Corey theme, Patterson is the leadoff hitter and… Yeah, it’s hard for me to muster too much enthusiasm for him.  Steals are a bit all I’d expect, so SAGNOF on that.

Jason Donald – I wonder if he’s related to Donald Faison… Eh, probably not.  Donald won’t wow you with anything unless he gets hot.  He could stay at the top of the order though, so you might get Runs.  Then again, it’s the Indians.  Yeah, this is a lukewarm Buy.

Francisco Cervelli – The Great Gazoo!  If you don’t know what that reference is referring to, you really gotta see this guy at bat.  Holy crap, he’s the splitting image.  Or is it spitting image?  That always trips me up.  Cervelli will give you average while he’s hitting.  May not last for long, but it only needs to last for another month while Posada’s foot heals.

Freddy Sanchez – Lord knows the Giants equipment manager is rooting for him so the work he did on the initials on Jonathan Sanchez’s jersey wasn’t for nothing.  That’s-a-my best jay period ever! Yes, the Giants equipment manager is an Old World Italian.  Sanchez can give you average, it’s a’ight.

Ian Kennedy – On April 9th, in the 2nd Buy/Sell of the season, I told you to buy Kennedy.  He’s now up to 23% owned in ESPN.  Even assuming 60% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, that’s poor.  Give me your password and I’ll pickup Kennedy for you.

Kris Medlen – You’ve heard me tout him before, I don’t want your ears to bleed.

Chris Perez – We ain’t done with you yet, Mullet Man.

Aaron Heilman – I don’t think Heilman’s really that good, but, as of right now, he might be the tallest midget in the pen.

Carlos Villanueva – SAGNOF!  Todd Coffey, same shizz, different player.  I even grabbed LaTroy Hawkins in one league to stash on my DL, but he is a Cuddle Boy, so his rosterable time may be limited because he could desTroy your ratios.

SELL

Aroldis Chapman – So far in Triple-A, he’s sporting a 1.63 WHIP, walking guys and now has a blister.  He’s only 22 and as I said in the comments the other day, “I heard (Aroldis) compared to Randy Johnson and that seems apt.   It’s both a compliment and an insult.  As we learned last week, Johnson was wild as any turkey ever was.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting me!  I wouldn’t drop Aroldis, but I would look at trading him, since sources are now saying he may not come up in June.  Must be important otherwise why would sources bother talking about him?  There’s so many other things sources could talk about like Sandra Bullock’s divorce, the BP oil spill, the upcoming Biggest Loser finale… Speaking of which, I have a theory about The Biggest Loser.  Because it doesn’t work into the inspiration story the producers are trying to tell, they never mention the obscene amounts of sex going on in the house.  Think about it, for so long these women didn’t want anyone to see how they looked and God forbid anyone were to touch them.  Now, they’re feeling sexy, confident and horny.  I lost 7 pounds this week, let’s have an orgy on the rowing machine! It’s like Hedonism for fat people.

Jose Bautista – He’s hitting .242 with 12 homers.  So let’s be realistic, do you think he’ll continue to hit homers at a 20% HR/FB clip and surpass his previous career high in homers by, say, 25?  Or do you think he’ll go homeless man cold and be droppable in another month?  I usually say don’t trade for closers, but I’d take just about any closer in a trade for Bautista.

Alex Gonzalez – Hey, I’m like a housewife because I’m hating on the BJ’s.  Honestly, not sure what you can even get for this poor man’s A-Gon, but he hit .289 in April and .240 so far in May.  In April, he hit 7 homers; in May, he hit 3.  May is way more in line with what you should expect going forward.

Justin Morneau – I know, he’s the cornerstone of your offense and you kinda want to strangle me now that I’ve said Morneau is a sell.  WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY, GREY?!  Sorry, Mr. Caps, it’s not my intention.  OH, NO WORRIES THEN.  Morneau’s BABIP is only surpassed by Kearns and Austin Jackson.  And you should know how I feel about those two schmohawks.  Morneau’s HR/FB is pretty far above his career norm too.  Then you throw in Morneau’s wonky back and you have a recipe for a huge fall in value sometime soon.  May not be tomorrow, may not be next week, but change will come, nephew.  I wouldn’t sell Morneau for a bag of Funyuns, but I’d listen to offers.