Fantasy Baseball Advice

After the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  So I just copied the openings from previous years where applicable.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Krispie Young – This tier started in the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Kendrick.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Krispie is another guy that I kinda wanted to move to another tier and he’s even pretty far below Stubbs (though it sure doesn’t seem that way in these rankings).  What Krispie has going for him that Beej and Stubbs don’t is 25-plus homer power.  He’s pretty seriously deficient in average though, and when I’m saying that compared to Stubbs and Upton, it’s saying something.  Grey said, “Something.”  See?  2012 Projections:  85/25/80/.235/25

22. Jason Heyward – This is probably the furthest I’m out on a limb with an outfielder.  He could be a worse pick than Markakis.  Last year Heyward hurt his shoulder, then Glass Chipper started questioning his manhood even though Chipper invented the oblique just so he could miss 40 games a year.  Heyward’s BABIP was obscenely low so he should hit at least 40 points higher without much effort.  Hitting for a better average with a healthier shoulder should help him build confidence, move him up in the order and hit for more power.  You could blend those variables together and you may end up with a wheatgrass/kale antioxidant health drink that is supposed to be good for you but just makes you want to vomit.  If at any point in the spring there’s news that his shoulder is still bothering him, I’ll drop him way down in the rankings.  2012 Projections:  80/22/90/.280/10

23. Howie Kendrick – I went over Kendrick’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

24. Shin-Soo Choo – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gordon.  I call this tier, “I could see myself missing out on these guys because others are believing them more than me.” Most ‘perts are looking at Choo’s 2011 as an aberration.  That wasn’t Soo Choo, that was Soju.  An Asian flush with bad luck.  So last year he had a .317 BABIP (off his career rate, but not really that terrible), a 1o.4% HR/FB (again, not hideous), a 10.1% walk rate (not bad) and a 21.8% K-rate (around his career rate).  He missed a bunch of games because of injury.  If he’s healthy, he’s back to the 17-20 homer, 17-20 steal guy.  Yay.  I don’t know; it’s all right.  I’m not excited to draft him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/85/.280/17

25. Carl Crawford – Last year, things started poorly and went from bad to Mad Libs in the cliche.  Slumps get into guys’ heads and if there isn’t a big girl around to have sex with that slump can last longer than anyone wants.  I’m willing to ignore last year.  Really, I am.  Then the wrist surgery this offseason.  Damn, that wrist got me pist.  Red Sox are reporting he should be ready for Opening Day.  I’m reporting he’s going to miss a month.  There’s a small silver lining.  His wrists aren’t his legs.  Hey, I should’ve gotten better than a C in Human Anatomy!  If he falls, I could see gambling on him, but it’s probably not going to happen if you follow my rankings.  2012 Projections:  75/10/70/.280/30

26. Alex Gordon – Here’s what I said at the end of last year for Gordon, “Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peek under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  85/20/100/.280/12

27. Brett Gardner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Rasmus.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys for my teams.  They might all end up getting sleeper posts.  You’ve been forewarned.  (Bee tee dubya, the projections in this tier are a bit optimistic, but I’m sick of hiding my excitement.  Let me free-ball and show you my love!)”  I’m unabashedly a fan of Gardner, which makes very little sense if you’ve read this site for an extended period of time because usually I ignore SAGNOF’ers and just grab one later or off waivers.  To me, Gardner is underrated, which is odd because Yankees are usually overrated.  Gardner is just an enigma wrapped inside a riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person who sleeps with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” 2012 Projections:  105/8/50/.280/50

28. Jayson Werth – Ponder this, guys and three girl readers, is Werth that different from Corey Hart?  Okay, stop pondering it, your eyes are crossing.  He’s not hitting 35+ homers again like he used to in Citizens Flank, but he should also be better than last year and the Nats offense is looking solid.  Yeah, I know how weird that sounds.  Don’t point out the obvious.  2012 Projections:  75/22/90/.265/15

29. Logan Morrison – His Isolated Power was .221.  Dan Uggla’s was .220.  Paul Konerko’s .217.  Jay Bruce’s .217.  Logan Morrison only hit 23 homers last year.  He missed almost 40 games last year because of injuries and his inability to put the cone of silence on his Twitter account.  He’ll only be 24 years old for the better part of 2012 and the Miami Marlins revamped their lineup by throwing some fabulous moolah around for a World Series ring.   2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.270/5

30. Michael Cuddyer – Went over Cuddyer’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

31. Peter Bourjos – What does it mean that Bourjos is ranked this high?  It means we’re all screwed.  Sorry, don’t mean to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but outfield is shallower than a conversation with a Kardashian.  I already went over my Bourjos 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while refusing to eat at Subway because it reeks of onions.  2012 Projections: 85/15/50/.255/35

32. Alex Rios – I wrote an Alex Rios 2012 fantasy post.  It pained me to write that post and I hope you forgive me but I felt like it needed to be said.  Now please forget the apology if I’m right or forget that I wrote the post if I’m wrong.  Thanks, over-the-internet friend!  2012 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/22

33. Colby Rasmus – I’m out on serious limbs with some the players’ rankings in this tier.  Just when you thought I was totally out of my gourd with my Rios ranking, here’s Rasmus about 35 spots ahead of where I see some other ‘perts ranking him.  The key thing with drafting is you are drafting for the upcoming year, don’t try and put together a team that would’ve kicked serious booty while bagging last year’s doubloons.  That’s not going to win you something, but hopefully I just learned you something.  Hey, that sounds like a rhyme Pitbull would make.  Blah blah blah Kodak, blah blah blah Kodak.  2012 Projections:  85/22/70/.265/10

34. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ethier.  I call this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft these guys, but I’d rather not.”  On first glance, Corey Hart’s season last year looks okay.  On second glance, his 2010 season of 31 homer, 7 steal 2010 and 2011 of 26/7 look remarkably similar — he simply had 15 less games last year.  On third glance, you see his fly ball rate plummeted and start to think his homer per fly ball rate is unsustainable.  On fourth glance, you start to wonder why you’re looking at Corey Hart’s numbers four times.  On fifth glance, there is no fifth glance.  On sixth glance, you think about how he may not break 75 runs or RBIs without Prince Fielder, fifty games of The Hebrew Herpes and the invariably injured Weeks.  On seventh glance, you accidentally hypnotize yourself and begin to cluck like a chicken in front of an audience of strangers.  2012 Projections:  75/24/70/.265/8

35. Nick Markakis – The last four years his homer totals have been 20, 18, 12, 15.  One of these years he may stand up and say he is Sparkakis, but until then I don’t care to gamble on a guy that is averaging 16 1/4 homers a year.  I mean, who ever even heard of quarter homers?  Those are singles, Nick.  Elevate the ball.  2012 Projections:  80/18/85/.295/10

36. Ben Zobrist – Went over Zobrist’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

37. Andre Ethier – This tier that I’m planning on missing makes an already shallow outfield that much more shallow.  I get that.  That’s why I named this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft…”  I don’t like Ethier, but I can’t turn my nose up at dozens of guys this year.  I don’t buy into Ethier bouncing back to being a top 20 outfielder.  I say if you draft him, you’re going to get a top 30 outfielder at best.  That means he’s ranked near his ceiling.  Opportunity costs will probably have me looking elsewhere.  Hypothetical things that have no weight need to be weighed.  It’s all very scientific.  2012 Projections:  70/22/85/.295

38. Ryan Braun – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Herpes or bust.”  Ryan Braun was either taking medication that he bought from a farmacia in Tijuana to suppress the cold sores he contracted from his Affliction t-shirts which triggered a positive drug test or he bought a performance-enhancing drug from that same Tijuana farmacia.  Your guess = my guess.  For further reading on the subject, check Google images for “Braun junk pictures” or read my Braun 2012 fantasy.  2012 Projections:  55/20/70/.280/12

39. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Vernon Wells then starts again in the top 60 for 2012 fantasy baseball so I can sneak in the SAGNOF tier.  I call this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  The guys in this tier are mostly okay, unless you draft your team then get in a DeLorean and play out your fantasy league in 2004.  Then they’re awesome!  Maybe one of the guys in this tier has a Lance Berkman 2011 year.  There always seems to be one, but don’t say you know which guy it is — someone might be listening.  If I had to bet on a surprising year from one vet, I’d go with Torii Hunter.  Lineup’s going to be the best he’s had in a while and he can lamp in the outfield.  Will he definitely surprise like that doode from Community coming out with one of the best albums of 2011?  Nah, but the Torii Hunter gambino won’t cost you much.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.270/7

40. Vernon Wells – Cause crazy talk isn’t just something that I reserve for Alex Rios, I also wrote a Vernon Wells sleeper post.  No, there will be no sleeper post about Todd Helton, but that’s funny and sarcastic.  You’re a double threat!  2012 Projections:  75/25/85/.260/8

40 1/16. Michael Bourn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  I just throw all these schmohawk steals guys in the same tier, because, well, frankly, interjection, they’re the same shizz.  Bourn gets you nothing but steals.  If you think that’s a smart way to build a team, I got a Lorenzo Cain, Michael Brantley or yadda³ off waivers that says you should follow the SAGNOF theorem of evolution that says these guys ain’t got no face.  Double negatives being damned, and all.  2012 Projections:  90/2/40/.280/50

40 1/8. Emilio Bonifacio – I went over Bonifacio’s projections in the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

40 1/4. Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp could be a cheap Brett Gardner.  Yes, I’m being cereal.  2012 Projections:  65/7/50/.260/35

40 what/fraction-is-this? Nyjer Morgan – Or should I say Tony Plush?  I could see a scenario where Morgan gets confused by not seeing Fielder and Braun and steals two bases in one inning for two different teams.  Sorta like a Joel Youngblood move, only crazier.  2012 Projections:  65/3/30/.270/27

40 3/4. Juan Pierre – Doesn’t have a team yet, but if he gets an everyday job then he’ll give you the usual.  If you don’t know what Juan Pierre gives you fantasy-wise, I have a copper-plated zinc portrait of Lincoln to sell you for $19.99.  2012 Projections:  85/1/40/.285/30

40 7/8. Rajai Davis – Doesn’t have a starting job right now, but didn’t last year and stole 34 bases.  Nothing like a basestealer that has a walk rate under 5%.  Rajai, you can’t steal first base, but you can throw your elbow into a pitch or two.  Keep that in mind.  2012 Projections:  40/1/20/.260/30

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps.  We meaning me, but I’ll include you.  No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand.  Why are you now patting my butt?  (Here’s all the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  The pitching recap will begin next.  To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Brett Gardner – Truth be told, I was raised a Yankee fan.  Don’t think it affects me for fantasy because the Yankees are usually one of the last teams I watch when there’s a full slate of games.  I just don’t like their announcers.  And I could really care less about their players unless I have one of them on my fantasy teams.  I mention this because Gardner is about the only Yankee I tend to like for fantasy more than other ‘perts.  He just seems so underappreciated.  No, he’s not going to hit 20 homers any time soon, but he gives you SAGNOF without totally killing you elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #22, 2011 Projections:  105/7/55/.270/45, Final Numbers:  87/7/36/.259/49

22. Jay Bruce – I talk about how accurate my projections are in blurbs below, so I won’t say it here besides saying I’m not saying it while saying it.  You can go ahead and put Bruce, McCutchen and Stanton in a pile of players that I’m crazy sexy excited about for next year.  Preseason Rank #25, 2011 Projections:  85/32/100/.270/7, Final Numbers: 84/32/97/.256/8

23. Adam Jones – In the preseason, I said something like I’m being optimistic with my Adam Jones projections, but I like him and I think he’s about to break out in the non-acne way.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Preseason Rank #44, 2011 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12, Final Numbers: 68/25/83/.280/12

24. Carlos Beltran – Is it me or do my projections seem really accurate this year?  I’m like butter with the ER.  Preseason Rank #36, 2011 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/10, Final Numbers: 78/22/84/.300/4

25. Shane Victorino – It’s always sad for me to see a player I’ve liked for a while hit the point where I think his value is going to start declining.  2011 might be the last season of a valuable Flying Hawaiian, poi.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections:  90/12/65/.285/32, Final Numbers:  95/17/61/.279/19

26. Ichiro Suzuki – Now this schmohawk is definitely on the decline.  Take a half second off a guy’s legs who beats the ball into the ground and you get Ichiro’s 2011.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.320/32, Final Numbers: 80/5/47/.272/40

27. Mike Stanton – As said in a previous recap, I really don’t want to talk too much about 2012 in these recaps.  Feel it defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but can 2012 happen already just so I can see Stanton take the next step?  We’re talking 40+ homers and 10+ steals.  I love Mike Stanton.  Preseason Rank #26, 2011 Projections:  70/32/80/.250/7, Final Numbers:  79/34/87/.262/5

28. Drew Stubbs – As I said the other day with B.J. Upton about low average biases, Stubbs seems to fall into that grouping.  Can hit 15 to 20 homers and steal 30 to 40 bases, but that seems to go out the metaphorical window when he hits .240.  Preseason Rank #30, 2011 Projections:  95/18/65/.260/32, Final Numbers:  92/15/44/.243/40

29. Cameron Maybin – This guy scares me.  Not in the “Holy crapballs, why is there a cat jumping out a closet with creepy music playing?” way.  He scares me because I touted Maybin for a few years and he kept disappointing, then when I finally ignored him, he did well.  Maybe I should pretend to ignore Dexter Fowler next year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 82/9/40/.264/40

30. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

31. Corey Hart – I ranked him 31st overall in the preseason and he came in 31st at the end of the year.  How about a boo-ya with a side order of boo-ya?  And to drink I’d like a shot of boo-ya with a boo-ya back!  Yeah, that’s kinda boo-ya B.S. because I told you in the preseason to not draft Hart.  Though I wasn’t completely off because he was overrated coming off a career year.  So maybe a small boo-ya.  Preseason Rank #31, 2011 Projections:  70/21/80/.260/10, Final Numbers: 80/26/63/.285/7

32. Matt Holliday – Didn’t see it coming in the preseason, but I think we’ve seen the last of Holliday’s huge production years.  He gets these niggling injuries and just doesn’t have big-time power or speed.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  95/27/105/.310/10, Final Numbers:  83/22/75/.296/2

33. Nelson Cruz – I’ll contest (as I’m about to do) that Cruz is actually way more valuable than 33rd overall because when he gets injured he goes down for extended periods of time and you can fill him in while getting more stats from someone else.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/27/90/.285/15, Final Numbers: 64/29/87/.263/9

34. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

35. Nick Markakis – He’s become a guy that gives nothing special but a little bit of everything.  Versatile but boring.  Kinda like brown slacks.  I will now call him Markhakis.  Preseason Rank #45, 2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10, Final Numbers:  72/15/73/.284/12

36. Matt Joyce – As valuable as Joyce was, and he was valuable when you consider where he was drafted, he was really just a 1st half player.  You kinda could’ve done better elsewhere in the 2nd half…. Okay, I wrote that then looked at his month-to-month stats and Joyce wasn’t exactly a 1st half guy as much as he was a Mr. May.  Sounds like he was swinging Dave Winfield’s shtick.  Preseason Rank #82, 2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4, Final Numbers:  69/19/75/.277/13

37. Johnny Damon – On one hand, it’s weird that I didn’t rank Damon in the preseason.  On the other hand, I ranked Joyce and hoped Damon would get pushed to the bench with Sean-Rod and/or Brignac pushing Zobrist to the outfield.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a glove on a soda can, it’s Johnny Damon so maybe I didn’t rank him because I just figured he’d be rank.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 79/16/73/.261/19

38. Mark Trumbo – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

39. Krispie Young – I think January Grey might’ve been sniffing glue when he ranked Krispie 13th overall for outfielders last preseason.  January Grey, “It was a dark time.”  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.240/25, Final Numbers:  89/20/71/.236/22

40. Juan Pierre – Ha!  He was a top 40 outfielder?  Oh, c’mon.  Sure, he doubled his projected home run total, but he could’ve quadrupled it and it would still be miserable.  He was unownable for huge stretches of the season.  2 homers and 27 steals?  Seriously, c’mon.  I mean, c’mon c’mon.  C’mon!  I would’ve preferred healthy stretches of Shin-Soo and a waiver wire add to Juan “2 homer” Pierre.  Preseason Rank #40 1/8, 2011 Projections:  85/1/35/.300/50, Final Numbers:  80/2/50/.279/27

Jason Heyward sat again yesterday in favor of Jose Constanza.  I don’t want to shout fire in the theater of Razzball, but this isn’t good.  Constanza is making Heyward look like the best seller at the jerk store.  Actually, Heyward was kinda doing it to himself.  This year he has 12 homers and a .222 average.  Laynce Nix called and said he’s doing better.  I think Heyward’s still dealing with shoulder issues and “You got on the wrong side of Glass Chipper” issues.  Heyward can still be a star as soon as next year, but, for this year in redraft leagues, you need to start thinking like Big Boi and back up the back up plans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Street’s closed, Rockies used alternative route to save the game with Rafael Betancourt.  Street’s soreness isn’t said to be serious enough for a DL stint, but Street’s been known to laugh in the face of ‘not serious enough for a DL stint.’  Since Lindstrom is out too, I’d grab Betancourt for potential vulturing.  If you need a dinette set, go with Rex Brothers.

Angel Pagan – Now has back-to-back games with a homer as he hits leadoff in Reyes’s stead.  Dan Brown’s newest book, Angel & Pagans, tracking Mr. Met to the Vatican may start to gain some believers.

Kyle Blanks – 2-for-4 yesterday and has two hits in each of the last five games, including two homers.  That all coincides with the Padres being on the road.  Hey, Ray Kroc Jr. Jr., when a 375 lbs. power hitter is intimidated by your home park, it’s time to move in the fences.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4 as Jesus continues to do everything but walk on water.  Though it’s only Wednesday.

Orlando Hudson – Left the game with a strained left groin.  Hehe, he has two groins.

J.D. Martinez – Hit his 4th homer in his last six games.  Legally I’m required to tell you I don’t think he’ll keep it up, but now it’s time to give J.D. his trial run.

Adam Dunn – Says he will alter his offseason training for next year.  This obviously means he’ll limit his axe swinging, so rejoice tree huggers!

Justin Morneau – Should return next Monday, which will forever be known as Mornday.

Carlos Beltran – Out a few days with a sprained wrist.  If he had a strained groin with his sprained wrist, I wouldn’t shake his hand.

Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, moving his record to 7-11.  Oh, thank heaven!

Dee Gordon – Left yesterday’s game with a sore right shoulder.  Here’s hoping his middle initial isn’t L.

Justin Smoak – Out with a jammed thumb.  He’s hitting .179 since the All-Star break.  Smoak’s cooking with liquid nitrogen!

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks as he faced Alexi Ogando (2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners) which was billed by ESPN as The Battle of the Tiring Young Pitcher.  Mark Prior threw out the first pitch.  Well, he rolled the ball to the plate and then shrugged.

Endy Chavez – Hit his 5th homer yesterday or the same amount as Aaron Hill, who has turned my middle infield spot into a Dead Endy.

James Shields – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Since his Oakland A’s start of 4 IP, 10 ER, he seems to have eaten a few power-up pellets and regained his Shields power.

Desmond Jennings – 1-for-3 with his 8th steal.  That’s in 17 games.  Conservatively, I’ll say he’s stealing two hundred next year.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka - 1-for-3, hitting .216.  He looks like Kaz Matsui 2.0.

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (7 BBs), 4 Ks.  For those who can’t pick up on the context clues, 7 walks in 6 innings is not good.  Some would say it’s bad.  Johnny Cochran would’ve said it’s egregious.

Hanley Ramirez- Has been out since August 2nd as he nurses his shoulder.  He has a nipple on his shoulder?! Five dollars of imaginary money says Hanley will be DL’d in the next day or so.  As Jack McKeon said, “He wants to play, but if it bothers him and he can’t reach for the ball, what good is it?  Can I leave now?  You’re making me miss the early bird.”

John Buck – Has two straight games with a homer.  Or to misquote M.I.A., Bucky Gone Gone.

Brandon Beachy – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Constantly amazed at how many people started asking if they should drop Beachy after his bad game in Coors and haven’t stopped asking.  He’s been that bad?  Not rhetorical!

Dan Uggla – His hitting streak is up to 30 games.  In other news, water is dry.

Zack Cozart – Sounds like he’s headed for season-ending surgery.  Dr. James Andrews, “Not ’til I say so.  Muahahahahaha…”

Dontrelle Willis – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Well, hello there!  Wow.  Where you been hidin’, Willis?  I wouldn’t add him in all leagues, but in some deeper ones or where you need to gamble, I’d look at him.

Esmil Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks and his third decent start in a row. Rogers works with a mid-90′s fastball, slider, changeup– Wait, who am, Stephen?  Rogers should have a mid to high 7 K-rate and be in the rotation for the rest of the season as long as he doesn’t Mr. Bungle things.  Esmil, “Holy chicken mole, this is enormous pressure!”  In deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Rogers to see if you can ride the lightning in a bottle or whatever that cliche is.

Josh Willingham – Hit his 2nd homer in as many games.  Willingham, that’s just not kosher.  Hasn’t cooled off since I labeled him a Buy on Friday.

Rich Harden – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Has more Ks than innings and finally looked impressive, like the old Harden.  Well, actually, the old Harden would’ve thrown out his back after a teammate high-fived him.

Bobby Abreu – 2-for-5 with two homers.  Abreu has been a good August hitter in the past, but his past goes back.  For instance, you might hear him say things like, “I remember when baseball’s weren’t hit with bats but with steroids.”

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-3 with his 17th and 18th steals to go along with his 4 homers.  A-Rod has 13 homers and 4 steals.  So Nunez is definitely no flop, but A-Rod’s hole cards of 52 RBIs and 53 runs are obviously better.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (1 Hit), 1 K.  He’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe.  Don’t do it.

Corey Hart – Returned to the lineup (hand) and picked up right where he left off (homer) and hopes to continue (wearing sunglasses at night).

Kyle Gibson – Partial tear of his right elbow.  All those years his dad made him emulate his World Series trot couldn’t have helped.

As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits.  “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.”  Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.  A-Rod’s favorite hand?  Jacks over Queens.  If A-Rod wants to avoid a suspension, he better take a long hard look in the mirror.  A-Rod, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror.  I’m asking him to make love to me.”  Man, A-Rod is so lame I almost feel bad making fun of him.  Then I think about his two trillion dollar contract and I wanna punch myself in the face.  Maybe this is how A-Rod hurt himself.  Favorite part, “This is no bluff.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Rolen – Out for 4-6 weeks.  Or as they call it in the Rolen household, “Just another day not at the park.”

Yonder Alonso – Taking grounders at 3rd.  “Hey, this is Dusty Baker’s voicemail.  Sorry I couldn’t get your call but I was making out the lineup card without Yonder Alonso in it.”

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Some of you might remember this, but I had this hypothesis that Dontrelle was a herbathrowdite — you know a hitter trapped in a pitcher’s body — and when he was in the AL he never felt comfortable because he couldn’t hit.  Yesterday, he hit a homer and has a 3.41 ERA so far.  It’s a theory worth noting, not a reason to pick him up.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 3 homers.  Did they throw out green top hats after he hit the 3rd?

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  After the game, Wolf announced he was Team Jacob.  So predictable.

Corey Hart – 2-for-5 with the slam and legs.  With a little ingenuity and three point font, I squeezed Hart into my top 100 for the 2nd half.  Well, whoop dee doo, Grey!  Okay, Random Italicized Voice, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers and a steal.  Well, la di da!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 8 ER, 15 baserunners, 6 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post then cat o’ nine tailed them to death with earned runs.  When one player hits a homer off you, pitch around him next time.  When one player hits two homers off you, hit him in the square of the back next time.  If he jumps a jack, then you make him wail.  Listen to Brian Seltzer, or whatever his name is, he has all the answers!

Charlie Furbush – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Impressive first start against Billy Beane’s A’s.  If the A’s were any more impotent against Furbush, you’d think Billy Bean was the GM.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Now has given up 16 runs in the last 16 1/3 innings.  Um, not so good.  He gets the Jays next time out.  That’s not so good either.  Two negatives aren’t making a positive here either.

Josh Wilingham – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer as he hits over .320 in the last week with 3 homers.  It’s against my better judgment to recommend an A’s hitter, but The Other White Meat has been hitting.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After a couple of just mediocre starts, guess he got his swagger back.  Truth.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wednesday is Delmon’s thump day.  I’d say he hasn’t done much this year, but he really hasn’t done much in his career.  He had an okay 2nd half last year, so if you’re juggling 5th outfielders like a drunk clown, give him a shot.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  He’s playing every day now that the Astros are Pence-less.  In Double-A, he had 13 homers and a .338 average in 88 games.  He looks like a lock to hit for a good average (~.290) in the majors, but the homers may top out at 20.  He has little to no speed.  Stephen also gave him some love recently.  He wrote it while popping a bubble.

Billy Butler – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer.  You can’t stop him, you can only hope to contain him, which is the motto for his line of manssieres.

Gavin Floyd – 2 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Say uncle, Floyd.

Jason Marquis – **Writing this before the game**  5 IP, 4 ER.  **Back after the game** Okay, turned out I was a little too optimistic with the Marquis de Shat as he went 4 IP, 7 ER.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games.  I feel like a beat dog when I look at EY Jr. because of how many times I’ve been excited by him only to watch him disappoint.  He’s now started every day for a week and has 4 steals.  He’s capable of 15 steals in a month.  For what it’s Wuertz, I grabbed him in every league where he was available.  May you stay, Eric Young.

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3, 3 runs and a steal.  You know the drill.  It’s SAGNOF, all day and night.

Chien-Ming Wang – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  If you feel the need to grab Wang after this start, you might have some Freudian thing going on.

Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Has now hit in every game in the last week with two homers and two steals.  When the guaranteed contract is in the bag and nothing is on the line, Werth is your man!

Jason Heyward – Sat again for Jose Constanza.  Who put Jason Heyward in the doghouse?  Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.

Jason Kipnis – Sticking with the Jason theme, Kipnis now has 4 straight games with a homer.  If you want, leave your password in the comments.  I’ll take it from there.

Matt Stairs – In honor of his retirement, we go to a Razzball greatest hit from two years ago, “Bud Black said Stairs isn’t ready to return from the DL because “he hasn’t been able to run with intensity.”  Stairs can drink a beer with intensity.  He can grow a mustache with intensity.  He can probably take a crap with intensity.  If you’re waiting for Stairs to run with intensity, my guess is it will be a long wait.”  Fairly well, Stairs.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but got the no decision when the Pirates couldn’t score a run.  But what about Ryan Ludwick?!

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 17th homer and is now batting .293.  Seriously, take a moment and think about how you couldn’t keep Napoli on your team and then look again at a .293 average with 17 homers.  Who’s the schmohawk in this scenario?  It’s not me.  It’s definitely not Mike Napoli.  Go put your face up to the mirror like A-Rod.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3 with a homer.  He was mentioned somewhere… Oh, yeah!  Here.  Yesterday.  (Yeah, I busted out the one word douchey sentences.)  Now use your finger and scroll down.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I had a total brain fart when I saw his record was 4-12 with a 3.29 ERA and I saw he was pitching for the Tigers.  I was like, “How on earth is his record so bad– Oh, that’s right, he was on the M’s.”  Fister, you make me punchy.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In his postgame interview, he said he couldn’t do it without Desmond Jennings.  Or he should’ve said that.  Tomato, tomahto.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 18th homer yesterday to go along with his .220 average.  Napoli’s hitting .293.

Brad Lidge – Got the save because Madson’s wife is having a baby.  I bet it’s Paul Giamatti’s baby.

Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist.  He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El.  On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial.  What Stan told Al-El was simple.  “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs.  It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back.  Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.”  I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols.  A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP.  He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi.  So, he’s a dolphin?  Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper.  Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better!  Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks.  So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.

Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s far more glamorous names out there.  Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name.  Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.

Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him.  This was one.  Few > One.

Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb.  That’s a thumb sucking.  He could be out until the All-Star break.

Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break.  On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title.  His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”

Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs.  I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly.  Well, guff, ya’ll!  (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.)  And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.”  I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket.  You can’t count on those.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer.  I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Why again did I have to say a correction was coming?  I suck.  Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again.  Just putting that out into the universe.  It’s the secret.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-3.  Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey.  The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth.  For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up.  In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run.  Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth.  Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy.  It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti!  (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert.  Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)

Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs.  3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby.  Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend!  Huh?!  Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.

Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.

Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson.  No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two.  So he’s day-to-two-days.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs.  Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.

Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER.  Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees.  Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury.  Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury.  Cust kayin’.

Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…

Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow.  For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.

Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save.  Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him.  I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves.  Capps isn’t long for the 9th.

Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain.  In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys.  Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts.  You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.”  Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.

Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games.  Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.

Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery.  With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.

Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State.  Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.

Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere.  Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players.  “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”