Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the second installment of the grading process, it’s helpful to look at those sleepers I, Albert Lang, just nearly missed on – basically guys who were a push. These are players who were almost successful sleepers picks but walked too many, gave up too many HRs or just swung and missed a ton.

Dan Uggla – This is the most miraculous push in the history of the world. After Uggla’s horrendous start to the season, he rebounded to bat .234 but with 35 HRs.

Jimmy Rollins – Consensus had Rollins as a top 5 option. Rollins is 6th at the position. However a bigger pre-draft split was where he should fall overall. I thought Rollins could push 15-20 HRs and 25-30 SBs, but rest on the low end of each. He had 14 HRs and 28 SBs. We also saw his average stay below .275. If you drafted Rollins in the top 50, you are probably somewhat disappointed.

Colby Rasmus – Rasmus was a tricky player to write about all year. I liked him, but the hype was a little ridiculous. While I would rather have Nick Swisher, I thought Rasmus was capable of hitting .260 with 20-25 HRs and 15 SBs. Petty squabbles in St. Louis and poor health have Rasmus at 14 HRs, five steals and a .235 average. I was clearly wrong on my projection.

Jason Bartlett – I thought Bartlett could get back to batting .275 (didn’t happen: .251), but I also thought he was a good bet to reach 20 – 30 SBs (he has 23). It’s a wash, but with how bad the SS position has been, he’s been a useful figure in 2011.

Nick Swisher – God it is disgusting how dirty good Brian Cashman is – he absolutely stole Swisher from Kenny Williams. Still, the entire fantasy community also seems to sleep on Swish, as he was the 33^rd consensus OF. Well, he is the 31^st OF, so they were closer in terms of ranking.

Gio Gonzalez – I had Gonzalez as the 42^nd best SP, consensus put him around 49, and he will end up about 46^th overall. So maybe I overvalued him…or maybe not.  I predicted a 4.00 ERA and 1.35 WHIP with 200 Ks. Right now, he has bested my ERA prediction (3.41 ERA) and come very close to meeting my WHIP prediction (1.37 WHIP). He has 177 Ks, so he’ll likely fall a tad short of 200.

Will Venable – While, technically, I had Venable ranked higher than most people, I still warned against the hype I saw building. Specifically, I said that his ceiling of a .320 OBP and the amount of balls he swings at out of the zone wouldn’t get him anywhere near the 30 steals he approached last season. Well, he currently sits at 26 – whoops. I did add in the caveat that we could see some weird things with the Padres this year, i.e., that in the absence of any real offense, their players would be running silly and that could artificially buoy Venable’s SB number. So, I was sort of correct in my Venable assessment.

Mark Reynolds – It’s so weird to be wrong about a known commodity. I had Reynolds buried on the draft board (22^nd 3b), whereas consensus had him a bit higher. I believed he was a .240 hitter with 35 HRs and 10 SBs. He has actually batted worse (.222) and has 36 HRs and just 6 SBs, but has come in as the 6^th best 3b for the year. What a dreadful position.

Edwin Jackson – Partly because he was born in Germany, partly because I believed in the Chicago White Sox pitching coaches, I thought Jackson would have a nice year. I expected an ERA in the 4.25-4.50 range with 170 Ks. He has fallen short of the Ks (he has just 146) but his ERA has been a nice surprise (3.85). Sure the WHIP is miserable, but he wasn’t that bad of a pitcher.

Chris Iannetta – I had Iannetta as a sleeper for the millionth year in a row, expecting a .250 hitter with 15 HRs (with upside as well). Well, Iannetta has batted just .236 this year but does have 13 HRs. He hasn’t helped at all down the stretch though and has really sputtered out. It would be nice if he batted anything other than eighth, but you have to play the cards you’re dealt.

My dinner with Andre is over as Andre Ethier has called it kaput on his season.  It wasn’t from a lack of trying, I’ll tell ya that.  “Hey, I just want to say how much it means to me to try to help this team win even though I shouldn’t be playing.  This is my job, and I take my job very seriously, even if means I may never walk again because I’m playing when I shouldn’t be.  I will not sit, no matter what!  Unless someone asks me to sit because they realize I shouldn’t be playing.”  Andre encapsulates today’s athlete perfectly.  Team first, as long the player is okay putting team first.  For whatever reason, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ethier overdrafted again next year.  People just can’t get enough of his 20 homer, no steal fantasy value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 4-for-5 with his 17th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Seems like a no-brainer, which is my specialty.

Juan Rivera – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs.  He now has 32 RBIs in 45 games with the Dodgers.  Note to self:  Use Juan Rivera at a later date to show how arbitrary RBIs are.

Chad Billingsley – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If he was a dangling Chad on your team, punch him out.

Vladimir Guerrero – 3-for-5 with his 12th homer.  After the game, he had vodka with coffee liqueur while arguing with Mark Reynolds about who was the best cosmonaut.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4.  This comes after an 0-for-10 stretch with 7 Ks.  He reminds me a bit of me at this bar the other night.  There was a point when I actually said the line, “What’s your man got to do with me?”  They don’t call me the Fantasy Master Lothario — or FML — for nothing.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  When Chavez goes up to bat, the song that plays is “I Suck, Sucker,” which I wrote and sang for him.

Craig Schwinden – 5 IP, 5 ER.  In the first row at Metco was Kim Basinger, she’s a total Babraham Lincoln… Schwinden!

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a grand slam in the first game of the doubleheader; 1-for-2 with a steal in the 2nd.  He now has three homers in the last week.  This will help the Mets, who are preparing a video of his week’s exploits with Joe Esposito’s You’re the Best playing in the background, which they will ship around to perspective trade partners in the offseason.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Damn, really could used a 6 IP, 0 ER start from him, and, as always, this is all about me.

Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s gonna be good, but this was no indication of that.  The Mets and Braves both looked like they just got done playing a previous game, which they did.

Brent Morel – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  You fancy mushroom!

Brent Lillibridge – Sticking with the Brent theme, Lillibridge was hit by a pitch that broke his hand.  He should’ve aqueduct’d.

Ian Kennedy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, improving his record to 19-4.  Joe Kennedy would’ve been proud, then bought him an election.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  He’s still struggling to maintain a decent average with all the Ks, but he has two homers in the last week.

Rickie Weeks – The Brewers activated Weeks from the 15-day DL that he was on for over a month.  15-day DL, “You exploit my generosity!”

Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wonder who’s gonna be bumped from the Sawx rotation for the playoffs.  I mean, I have an idea.  Be weird if it’s Miller after Francona earlier in the year said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Maybe he’ll say he was putting air quotes around his statement.

Colby Rasmus – Took live batting practice and should be good to go by early next week.  I’ve marked my I Couldn’t Care Less calendar.  We now wait.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I got a letter recently from one of our incarcerated readers, it went like this, “I don’t think you’ve given enough attention to Encarnacion.  He’s hitting the cover off the ball just as well as anyone else in the major leagues or the penal circuit.  By the way, you puta?  Yours, Boo-Boo.”

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  A catcher with power and a low average?  Oh, he’s definitely gonna be on multiple teams of mine next year.  That’s right, I’m thinking about my 2012 draft already.  Sleep on me, that pillow is where your head’ll lie.  Permanently, snitch, it’s beddy-bye, Eminem.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Could I make R.R. Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (actor?)) a starter on some of my mixed teams in 2012?  I’m contemplating it.  AL East be damned!

Chris Narveson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was good in this game, until he wasn’t.  Snap in the inverted W formation!

Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Season ERA is 2.60 and WHIP is 0.95.  Phillies are gonna be tough to beat in the playoffs.  Cust kayin’.

Chase Utley – Will sit out this weekend with what is being deemed a mild concussion.  I got one thing to relay about mild concussions… Justin Morneau called and said, “How come I’m wearing my mittens on my feet?”

Steve Cishek got the save, but it wasn’t that cut and dry.  Edward Mujica came in for the ninth for the save, but promptly gave up 2 runs.  One person who was nowhere in sight was Leo Nunez and with only 17 people in attendance at Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Blockbuster/Dolphin/Sun Life/Whoever Ponies Up Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium, it’s not hard to find someone.  As of right now, I’d grab Cishek and Mujica, in that order, but yesterday I thought it was the opposite, so it could change at any moment.  Really depends on McKeon or how good his memory still is.  “Let’s warm up Looper!”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  From April-June, Vazquez looked like he should’ve retired.  Or returred, if Ludacris is reading this.  Or he looked down right turrible, if Charles Barkley is reading this.  In July, he looked good.  In August, he’s been great.

Logan Morrison – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer in his return to the Marlins.  He pissed off Florida management by pulling out his iPhone during the home run trot to send out some tweets.  Jack McKeon wondered why he’s fiddling with an abacus.

Wily Mo Pena – 3-for-3 with a HR, 2 runs, and 4 RBIs.  I would not want to go anywhere near Jim Bowden’s keyboard or mouse after he read that box score line.  That said, Pena isn’t assured regular playing time with Seager, Carp, and Trayvon hitting well.  More of a day-to-day matchup play.

Kyle Seager – 4-for-4 and 10 for his last 14.  That’s not a hot schmotato…. This is a hot schmotato!  For right now, Seager reminds me of Omar Infante when he’s on a hot streak.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Rockies called him up.  Why do the Rockies keep taking the A’s discards?  Do they think, “We had success with CarGo.  Why would Mark Ellis and Kouz be any different?”

Bobby Parnell – Got his first save of the year.  Only 299 more to go before the Mets change closers.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2.92 ERA and 1.21 WHIP.  He’s basically Tim Hudson on a bankrupt team, offensively and otherwise.

James Loney – 3-for-5.  He’s been hot (11 for last 17), but I can’t recommend him.  He’s just so…James Loney.  Maybe ask a different fantasy baseball ‘pert if you should pick him up.

Skip Schumaker – 4-for-4 with four singles for the Homeless Man Cycle.

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA is 3.38.  I loved him in the preseason, and he’s actually been about as good as I thought he’d be.  Only I didn’t foresee some pitchers having ERAs in the low 2′s.  If you won’t lower the mound, raise the plate!

Alex Gordon – 1-for-2, 3 runs and a slam & legs.  Now has 17 homers and 14 steals.  Having a nice year, but anyone who owned him in previous years can tell you 17 homers and 14 steals turns to 12 homers and 7 steals very easily and you don’t want to own that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Rockies.  In related news, it doesn’t look like Wandy’s gonna be traded to the Rockies.

Brian Bogusevic – 3-for-4.  Picked up where J.D. Martinez left off, which is to say he’ll probably be hot for a few days, unless the Astros move into Coors.

Eric Young Jr. – 1-for-5 with his 4th steal in his last four games.  Okay, that’s slightly cherrypicking stats because he got three steals on Saturday, but still if you need steals it’s silly to not plug him in.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with 5 homers in the last ten games.  Whatever Tulo had, CarGo caught it.  Remind me next August to go out and acquire all Rockie hitters.

Colby Rasmus – Will miss two to three days with his jammed wrist.  With his time off, he’s going to throw bags of flaming turds at La Russa’s Prius.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-3 with his 4th homer, ending his 1-for-13 slump.  Maybe he slept with one of the Molina sisters as a slump buster.

Michael Cuddyer – Hit by a pitch on the wrist and was pulled from the game.  Oddly enough, his wrist felt fine but the Twins’ trainer just reflexively figured it was a concussion.

Brad Peacock – Mystery’s favorite player is due to be called up for September.  He’s 6′ 1″ but seven-two with his giant boa-rimmed top hat.  Peacock has been dominant in the minor leagues this year.  Double-A:  2.01 ERA and a 11.77 K-rate in 98 2/3 IP.  Triple-A:  8.58 K-rate, 3.56 ERA in 43 IP.  Here’s what Stephen just said during his Peacock fantasy, “With a quick, loose arm action, he throws a 92 to 94 MPH straight fastball, a plus knuckle-curve ball with sharp downward action, and an average changeup.  I often dream of pulling Grey’s fingernails out one at a time.”  Whoa, maybe I should read those closer.  Peacock probably won’t see enough starts this year to make a difference, but I’d look at him in deep NL-Only keepers.

Tom Milone – Nats announced Milone would also be called up when rosters expand.  He’s actually put together a better season than Peacock, but his upside is lower because he’s a soft-tossing lefty that uses deception where Peacock uses good ol’ fashioned speed.  Leave it to Peacock to show off.

Heath Bell – Giants claimed the Padres closer on waivers and they now have until Friday to work out a deal. I don’t think it happens unless Wilson is totally FUB(e)AR’D.  If it does happen, I’d grab Gregerson or Qualls, in that order.

Joey Votto – 5-for-7 with 2 homers in the doubleheader.  Member when you were mad at Votto midseason because of his lack of power?  Member I said it was a long season?  This blurb was sponsored by Members Only.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4, 1 RBI.  Nice game but he’s been painfully yawnstipating for an extended stretch.  4 RBIs in his last ten games with no homers or steals.  That’s the new blech.

Coco Crisp – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers.  One homer was against Sabathia.  Odd since CC Sabathia usually devours left-handed hitters and anything that sounds like Coco Crisp.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-3 with his third homer in two games.  He’s not quite as sexy without the sideburns, but if you’re power deprived he’s worth a look.

Daniel Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was one out from the shutout and then gave up back-to-back HRs to Nix and Gomes.  Kind of like how Kate Hudson performed so well in Almost Famous and then made back-to-back bombs.  Fortunately for Daniel, he had Putz to back him up.  Unfortunately for Kate, she had the putz from the Black Crowes and Alex Rodriguez.

Carlos Santana – Won’t miss time but left early yesterday after taking a couple of foul balls off his mask, inspiring him to write a song, Oye Como Vas Deferens.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was scratched with a sore trunk.  Trunk?  Maybe that’s why Matt LaPorta mistook him for his Kia.

Ezequiel Carrera – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now started five games in a row with 3 steals.  Oh, and Ezequiel Carrera sounds like a Porsche carriage built for the Amish.  Up to 4 horsepower!

Aaron Hill and John McDonald were traded to the Diamondbacks for Kelly Johnson.  Regarding the title, each team got to 2nd base with the other.  Nothing to brag about, nothing for the rest of us to get jealous over.  I guess this is what happens when Alex Anthopoulos and Kevin Towers lock themselves in a closet for 7 minutes of trading heaven.  “Can you throw in J.P. Arencibia?”  “What kind of GM do you think I am?”  Maybe Florida and Seattle will trade John Buck for Miguel Olivo.    I’ll trade you this tomato.  Okay, I’ll trade you a tomahto.  Deal.  Sure, I’m taking an extra h on the payroll, but it’s worth it to get that shorter vowel sound into our lineup.  You say tomato, I say tomahto, let’s call the whole deal….on!  This proves one thing, without a doubt, neither team owned Hill or Johnson in fantasy this year.  If this trade happened in one of your fantasy leagues, you’d just be glad you weren’t one of the teams doing the trading.  Neither player is guaranteed to get a boost with the trade and either player could get knocked out of their slump with the new scenery.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – Monday night he had to have a trainer remove a moth from his ear.  They should try and put a moth in Zambrano’s ear.  Maybe they’ll find a bat.

Alex Rodriguez – Out of yesterday’s lineup with a jammed thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up while your feet are stompin’ and the jam is pumpin’, look here the crowd is jumpin’.  Sorry, once I start that it’s hard to stop.

Ryan Howard – Out with heel bursitis and the Phils are officially in cruise control mode.  Speaking of which…

Cole Hamels – Reports are that he’s absolutely fine for next week’s start so the Phils put him on the DL in media res.  I’m a broken record with this, if the kids today even know what a record is or what it means to be broken, but how come there’s no rules that you can’t put healthy people on the DL.  Seems like a shortcut at expanding the roster that shouldn’t be allowed.  Now get off my lawn, kid!

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Fair enough, I wouldn’t care about DL’ing healthy Hamels with this kind of depth either.

Raul Ibanez – Received an injection for a sore groin.  Sounds like a line a doctor would deliver in a porn movie.

John Mayberry – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and now has three homers in the last five games.  Even when Ibanez’s groin is better (something you don’t read every day), Mayberry should be starting.  That’s not saying he will be.  In the meanwhile, I would add Mayberry in most leagues while he’s hitting-slash-playing-slash-I just like saying slash.

Colby Rasmus – Left the game with a jammed wrist.  Somewhere, Tony La Russa’s laughing like Nelson Muntz.

Brandon Morrow – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Royals.  FMFBBL

Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-8, 2 homers in the doubleheader and his 3rd homer in three days as he bats over .400 since his return from the DL.  He’s hotter than a kimchi burrito in Megan Fox’s hand.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-8 with a homer.  He’s on my opponent’s H2H team and said Fukutome.

Kyle Seager – 6-for-9 and a homer in the doubleheader.  Be a good time to mention that the starters in the second game were both peg boys.  Either way, Seager has 2 homers in the last five games, but didn’t show much power in the high minors.  I’d let Seager go.  Like a rock.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He bounced up and down the minors for so long it was like teams were playing Marco…Yo-Yo…  But if you need to take a flyer, he’s a hot hand.

Casey McGehee – Two for his last nine with two homers.  This guy’s like Rich Little impersonating Rob Deer.  And there goes our 18-35 demographic.

Justin Upton – Hit on the elbow by a pitch and left the game.  It’s said to not be too bad.  This is a day after B.J. went down with a shoulder sprain.  Aren’t these things only supposed to happen to twins?

Brandon Allen – 2-for-4 with 2 monster shots.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2 said yesterday, “Brandon Allen just put a monster shot into the upper deck at Yankee Stadium, only the second ball to reach there since it opened. Branyan hit the other…. Which isn’t quite the same as ‘where only Mickey Mantle has ever reached.’”

Logan Morrison – With a .167 average and one homer in Triple-A, the Marlins had seen enough and are recalling Morrison.  Couldn’t they just have easily put a bar of soap in his mouth while he tweeted?  If Morrison was dropped in your league, I’d take a chance that he comes back looking to prove something.  One thing to prove, for instance, that Hanley shouldn’t run the ball club.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER and the epic blown save.  This is the kind blown save that makes managers try out Edward Mujica as their closer.  Also, remember Nunez was funky as in bad not funky as in good at the end of last season.

Ross Ohlendorf – 5 IP, 4 ER.  Might want to consider returning to making straight-to-video classics like ‘Dorf on Golf.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  A-gone-gone a-bout time-time.

Eric Hosmer – 3-for-5, with the slam & legs.  In only 385 at-bats so far, he has 11 homers and 7 steals.  This is at the age of 21.  I.e. big things.  I.e. there stands for I expect.

Tommy Hanson – Quite the surprise; Hanson’s bullpen session was cancelled a day after he said his shoulder was fine.  Yup.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a homer as he fills in for Constanza…Or was Constanza filling in for him?  This is the most confusing re-imagining of All About Eve.

Jimmy Paredes – 1-for-4 and a homer.  The power may stop when he leaves Coors, but he’s worth a flyer for speed in deep leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 5-for-5 with a double and 4 singles to match David Eckstein’s best game.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Was acquired by the Rockies for cash.  “Here’s a McDonaldland coupon for two apple pies.  You can CONSIDER it as cash.”

David Price – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as Price got topped by Penny to lose the Showcase Showdown.

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5 with a caught stealing.  Not cute moving the base 91 feet away.  Not cute at all.

Colby Lewis – 6 IP, 7 ER.  Hopefully Vogelsong doesn’t take this guy’s career trajectory two years removed from Japan.

Alfredo Simon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks and, better still, he didn’t kill anyone.

Adam Jones – Was hospitalized with shortness of breath and mild chest pains.  Sounds like me after a weekend in Vegas.  Early tests say Jones will be fine.

Rod Barajas – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and now has 3 homers since last Friday.  Aye carambarajas!

Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, homer.  Know one way to stay hot while unattractive in mixed leagues?  Go 1-for-4 with a homer every couple of games.

Jon Niese – To the DL with a rib strain.  After giving up 8 runs, it’s more like the Phils gave him an RBI strain.

Jose Reyes – Set to return Monday.  Though the Mets didn’t say which Monday.  Very tricky, Mets, very tricky.

Angel Pagan – Almost went to the DL because of stomach pains during Monday’s game.  “You’re hitting out of the two hole.  Hitting!”

Some rejected titles were, “Cards Have Jon Jay, Rasmus Have Blue Jays,” “Cards Trade Rasmus For Queen Elizabeth-Visaged Cents On the Dollar,” and “Ervin Santana Threw A No-Hitter, Beltran Was Traded — Hey, Baseball, Spread Some Of Your Breaking Stories Around.”  So Colby Rasmus was sent to the Blue Jays, Edwin Jackson was sent to the Cardinals via Chicago and a whole lot of other shizz.  Let’s start with Colby.  Hey, Geiger, let’s go (to Canada)!  Rasmus will move into center field, sending Rajai to the bench.  I’m sure Colby will be empathic.  “One day we will write a song together titled, “Centerfield” using John Fogerty’s lyrics and music then we will sue him for copyright infringement.”  That’s Colby meeting Rajai for the first time.  Last week, I was down on Rasmus, in the non-sexual way.  Sick of watching him sit on the bench while Pujols farted in his general direction.  Now, much like a fugitive from justice, Rasmus has a fresh start in Canada.  His value definitely goes from a negative to a positive, Biggie.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – Another guy that gets a fantasy boost with a trade.  Any time you’re going from the AL to the NL, I like it.  Does he suddenly become the meow’s cat?  I’m not entirely sure.  His NL ERA last year was 5.16, his AL ERA was 3.24.  All of his good years have come in the AL.  Yeah, he’s a riddle inside of a Sphinx testicle.  In deeper leagues or just mixed leagues where you need to gamble, I’d grab Jackson and hope Dave Duncan can do the voodoo that he do.

Octavio Dotel – To the Cards.  I actually grabbed Dotel for potential saves in a few leagues because La Russa is as predictable as the weather….if you’re not told the location or the season.

Jon Jay – Should now see the majority of the starts in the outfield…Hmm, actually he was seeing the majority of the starts in the outfield.  I’m sure La Russa will find a way to work Corey Patterson into the equation, and that equation for him is Happiness = CF – Rasmus.  Kinda cute how much everyone wants to now own (anagrams!) The Federalist, whose line is 30/7/26/.312/5 through 260 ABs.  That looks pretty yawnstipating to me.  As a 5th outfielder, I guess you can do worse.  Speaking of which…

Rajai Davis – 1-for-3 with 2 steals as he makes a last ditch effort to prove his worth, but he now becomes a late inning replacement in Toronto.  Unless La Russa is traded to the Jays.

Mark Teahen – Was traded too.  So he’s still in baseball?  Good for him.

Marc Rzepcynzki – Traded to the Cardinals, disappointing many Scrabblophiles who were hoping he’d be traded to the White Sox to partner with A.J. Pierzynski and make Ozzie Guillen’s head explode.

Carlos Beltran – To the Giants.  Beltran’s a bigger name than Rasmus in real baseball, but for fantasy this move is lateral.  Pitchers park to pitchers park, weak lineup to weak lineup, both teams have employees with monstrous heads (Mr. Met and Bruce Bochy).  Mets or Giants is tomato/tomahto or in baseball parlance Jonny/Jhonny.

Brandon Belt – With the addition of Beltran, sounds like Belt’s being demoted.  You’d think the Giants’ pants would have loops big enough for two belts.

Lucas Duda – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  Will now be the guy to replace Beltran.  It’s Duda’s day, camptown races sing that song!  The positives: as just mentioned, he’s playing.  The negatives:  he hasn’t done anything so far this year — 2 homers, 1 steal in 123 ABs.  In Metco, he could have 20+ homer power over the course of a full season.  I wouldn’t pick him up in most mixed leagues until he gets hot, which could be never or Friday if he hits another homer.

Daniel Murphy – 11 for his last 17.  That’s about as hot as a schmotato gets.

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Geez, the Mets played yesterday like Beltran was Milton Bradley (the baseball player, not the fun for all ages one) — a tumor that just needed to be excised.  I’d continue to ignore Pelfrey, unless he shows up at your door with some imported beer and The Wire DVDs.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This trade deadline story made me giggle.  The Yankees went on record to say they have no interest in Zambrano.  “We’re not going to sit here and specify what players we have or don’t have interest in, except for Zambrano.  No, thank you!”  Maybe the Post can do the title, “Big Z-ero Interest.”

Rickie Weeks – To the 15-day DL with a badly twisted ankle or it might be… Duh-duh-duh… Ligament damage!  But I’m not a doctor though my handwriting is illegible.

James Shields – 4 IP, 10 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh, Jesus Guzman, that’s bad.

Hideki Matsui – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer.  He came to be called Godzilla because of monstrous homers and acne.  Well, he’s still got the acne and lately some homers.

Joe Mauer – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only three off the Pinto pace car Morneau.  Or the same number of homers a 40-year-old Giambi managed in one game earlier this year.  How can Gardy ever get over losing Nick Punto when Mauer’s power stroke is always there to remind him?

Alex Rios – The White Sox are indefinitely benching Rios for indefinitely sucking this year.  His current 52 OPS+ is in the running for the WORST OF season ever.  If you’re in a mixed league and held onto Rios this long, just say Adios Rios already.   The White Sox still owe him $38 million over the next 3 years so they’re left saying “Ay Dios Rios!” while they wait for the 2006-2008 and 2010 Rios to reappear.  Between Rios and Wells, if the Blue Jays ever offer Bautista and his $65 million contract to you in a trade, DON’T TAKE IT!

Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-4 with a home run as he started in center.  In the minor leagues, he showed very little power and some speed.  He’s just a’ight.  I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Alejandro.

John Danks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hasn’t allowed more than two runs since May (granted, there was a DL stint in there).  Now would be as good a time as any to pick him up.

Ryan Raburn – 0-for-3 with a strikeout, now has a .259 OBP as he hit second.  You know he only hit second because Leyland always bats his left fielder (Boesch) 2nd and Raburn was filling in for him.  My theory’s holding true that, with the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Justin Upton – 2 homers.  He’s on one of those streaks that would impress A-Rod’s hair stylist.  You know, the one that frosts his tips.

Ian Stewart – 0-for-4, hitting .137.  Him and Chris Davis should go on a cruise together to the Bermuda Triangle.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 steals.  M’s must’ve worn their 2010 throwback jerseys.

Mike Carp – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He really seized the day.

Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .301 in 123 ABs.  Let’s hope he doesn’t ask Smoak for his secret to a successful sophomore year.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His ERA in May was 2.14, 3.13 in June and 3.09 in July.  That seems like enough time to pick him up, but his ownership is at 10% in ESPN.  You people have analysis paralysis or your waiver wire mouse finger is in a cast?

Garrett Jones – Hit his 10th homer, but Jerry Meals called it a triple.

Billy Butler – 3-for-5 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Gotta like the cut of that guy’s manssiere.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a homer.  Is now batting near .500 in the last week with only one game in the last 9 days that he had less than 2 hits.  After hitting no homers and .253 in June, he’s on fire in July.  What an odyssey for Hosmer.

Laynce Nix – Hit a homer for the 2nd game in a row.  When he rounds home plate, he should make the Y sign from the YMCA dance.

Drew Storen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ricky Romero – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As frequent commenter, Steve said, “The Orioles got Rick Ro’d.”

Ervin Santana – With the no-hitter yesterday.  The Sciosciapath said, “What can I say?  Bobby Wilson just knows how to call a game.  See, I taught him everything I refused to teach Napoli.”  With no hits and 10 Ks, there wasn’t a whole lot for the fielders to do.  Maybe that’s a waste of Angels, I don’t know.