Fantasy Baseball Advice

Someone defrost Ted Williams’ head, Jed Lowrie is hitting .516.  If Mickey Rooney were playing the part of Dice-K, he’d say Jed is so Lovrie.  That’s if we can pull Rooney away from pooping in your neighbor’s chimney.  Right now, Lowrie is seasoning up fantasy steaks something delicious, but can this continue?  No, of course not.  Can he hit .280 with 10 homers?  Sure.  Can he get to 15 homers?  Is the moon made of green cheese? (Actually, it is.)  Lowrie has a heart three sizes too big for his body and a thermos filled with spunk.  But spunk’s a category in your league?  Some would find that hard to swallow.  He has little to no speed and, if he slumps for a second, Marco…Scutaro could go back to popping up in the most unlikely places.  But, hey, it’s not like you need much.  Lowrie could be a top ten shortstop with only one good month of stats.  I’d absolutely pick him up but don’t drop a proven commodity.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks.  That’s nice, I’m not buying.  If you go with him, you’re rolling the Dice, K?

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 4th homer yesterday as he and A-Gon go on casting calls for the remake to Vice Versa.

Jerry Sands – Called up by the Dodgers because Mattingly used to have a dope ‘stache and he loves crazy women.  Okay, those aren’t related, but I like to think they are in my effort to emulate Mattingly.  Sands looks like another Razzball favorite, the mollywhopping, pony stick-galloping, Mike Stanton.  Just not quite as much power.  Let’s say Mike Stanton Jr.  Last year, Sands had 17 homers in Double-A in half a year (68 games).  This year in Triple-A, he had 5 homers in 10 games.  That’s a yes, please and thank you.  For this year, I’d give Sands 20 homers, .250 average and 5 steals.  There’s upside, obviously, so I picked him up everywhere I could.  (Yes, I’m looking with my stink eye towards Yahoo for not having him in their player universe.  Can they just have everyone in the minors like CBS or only the players on the 40 man roster?  Because this willy-nilly, no one has any idea who is actually in the player universe is lamer than dog balls.)

Jason Heyward – Hitting 2nd with McLouth in the lineup.  You should’ve took the under.

Rick Ankiel – Supposedly, the Nats aren’t happy with Ankiel’s production.  No way!  C’mon, really?  Wow, if they would’ve just read Razzball in March, I would’ve told them to start the season with Roger Bernandina.  Keep your eye on Roger, roger?

Travis Wood – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks and three first inning runs.  He must be hanging out with Crazy Edinson.

Aroldis Chapman – Returned and threw over 100 MPH.  “Geez, Pa, that’s fast.”  That’s what Steve Pearce said to Lyle Overbay.

Mike Leake – Arrested for stealing $60 worth of t-shirts from Macy’s.  The pressure to keep up with Jay Bruce’s Ed Hardy collection is just too intense.  If a cop sees you take a leak, it’s public indecency.  So what’s it called when Leake takes something.

Tyson Ross – Going from Macy’s to Ross, Tyson Ross would be my choice to take Braden’s next scheduled start on Friday in Safeco.  Ross had a solid spring and almost made the rotation.  So far in Oakland, he has a 10+ K/9, but, as I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size.  I like him for a spot start on Friday, if he gets it, then we’d have to take it from there.

Cody Ross – Sticking with the bargain basement Ross theme, Bochy said Belt could be sent down as soon as Tuesday, which is today on your Mayan calendars.  “Don’t stare into the day Wednesday!”  That’s what it says on my Mayan calendar.

Kevin Correia – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Yeah, should’ve drafted him instead F-Her.  Nice!

Francisco Liriano – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.

Adam Jones – 1-for-4, 3rd homer.  There was only one hitter in the O’s lineup hitting over .250.  That’s Brian Roberts at .266.  Member when they were 6-1 to start the year?  They haven’t won since.  Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!

Sam Fuld – 4-for-4, hitting .396 on the year.

Justin Morneau – Out again with the flu.  Instead of Theraflu, Canadians take Cariflu which is 50% medicine, 50% caribou semen.

As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis.  Now stop experimenting on him!  Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season.  This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter.  And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.”  Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain.  I know too well about those!  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  *blushes*  Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation.  I’m kidding!  They’ll probably use Dave Bush.  Um, yikes.

Matt Dominguez – Out as the Marlins 3rd baseman so that leaves…. Drum roll, please.  Wes Helms, Greg Dobbs and Emilio Bonifacio.  Drum roller, “I can’t believe I’m drum rolling this crap.  I once drum rolled Fonzie setting a world record by jumping over 14 garbage cans on a motorcycle!”  My best guesstimate for playing time will be Wes Helms gets 300 ABs, Emilio gets 150 and Dobbs gets gobs of sunflower seeds stuck in his teeth.  It’s not a pretty blahtoon and should be avoided at all costs.

Chase Utley – Will start the season on the DL.  I imagine he will start May on the DL.  And June.  And July.  And… Well, you get the picture.  I wouldn’t draft Utley this year.  Not worth the ulcer.

Scott Rolen – Big injury wheel keeps on turning…Rolen, Rolen, Rolen hurt his fingers.  Rolen almost managed to get out of spring training without an injury.  He had to leave yesterday’s game after getting hit on the hand as he was unable to grip the bat.  Still TBD if this is serious but it didn’t seem like it was DL-worthy.  If it is, Juan Francisco likely makes the team and gets most of the starts.  (Please let Juan Francisco start for the Reds for our LABR team.  Reds-a-roni!)

Kevin Correia – Will be the Pirates Opening Day starter.  Correia?  Who is running Pittsburgh — Kim Jong-il?

Freddy Garcia – Will be the Yankees fifth starter.  We’ll see what Freddy Garcia shows up:  This one or this one.

Joe Nathan – As I said in Tuesday’s Closer Look, he’s been awful.  Wouldn’t be surprised if his job gets *pinkie to mouth* Cappsized, at least in the first few weeks.  Actually, here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.

Lorenzo Cain – Melky Effin’ Cabrera is putting a hurt on Team Grey.  Looks like Cain is going to start the year in the minors.  And, even if he doesn’t, Melky’s locking up the center field job on the Royals.  Melky, I like your name, I do not like what you’re doing to Lorenzo Cain.  You’re on notice.

Cody Ross – The boo-boo on the moo-moo is going to have Ross shelved for 3 weeks.  Nate Schierholtz should see most of the time in right.  He’s pretty much waiver wire fodder in NL-Only leagues unless he’s hot.

Casey McGehee – Got hit by a pitch and was carted off the field.  X-rays showed he should be fine for the start of the season.  X-rays also found a misplaced remote control.

Justin Duchscherer – Orioles said he’d start the season on the DL.  Hate to be one for semantics, but I think they meant he’d spend the season on the DL.

Brent Morel – Will be the White Sox opening 3rd baseman, but he should be avoided in all leagues.  Though Morel does seem like a funghi!

Mike Minor – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Beachy will be the fifth starter.  Minor should change his name, aptronyms (Word of the day!) will get you every time.

Jair Jurrjens – Sticking with the newly established Braves starting rotation theme, Jar-Jar left yesterday’s game because of pain in his side.  Jar-Jar said, “Meesa tinks me side hurts me now.”  Braves are saying he’ll be fine for the start of the season.  Okay, but he’s injury prone and I think we see Minor and Beachy in the rotation before too long.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is going to start the year on the DL because he has stomach issues stemming from a slow digestive tract.  His body treats all food like maraschino cherries and gum.  Food for Franklin Gutierrez is like last season for the Mariners.  Difficult to digest.

Straight from Rudy’s risky pitcher post, “Sliders are the most effective pitch one can throw but are worse on the arm than fastballs/changeups.  Pitchers who rely on sliders (15+% of pitchers) take this risk if they feel it’s the only way to reach their expected level of success.  Young pitchers relying heavily on sliders for success are more akin to a kid on his tippy-toes trying to make it on a ride – they can only keep it up so much before they fall below that line or get hurt trying.”  Following that line of thought, Brandon Morrow was thrown from the big boy ride and will start the season on the DL because he threw sliders with reckless a-Brandon.  The Jays are going to backdate Morrow’s DL stint so he’ll only miss one start.  Yeah, and I’d like to backdate my fantasy draft where I took Morrow, but that ain’t happening either.  If Morrow only misses one start all year, call me Mr. Wendal and play me in a game of horseshoes.  A game of horseshoes!?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle Drabek – Definitely making the rotation now.  In his cup of coffee last year, he got creamed.  But like a Welsh Corgi, he comes from a good pedigree.  If Morrow stays out for an extended period time, then Drabek could stay up for a while.  I like my roofies in the NL, so I’m not picking him up, but in AL-Only or keepers, I could see grabbing him for a 7 K/9 and just over a 4 ERA.

Roy Oswalt – Was knocked down by a comebacker.  Would’ve be a classy touch if the stadium started playing Rihanna’s “What’s My Name?”  BTW, why is the square root of 69 Aesop?  Oswalt is as tough as nails (not Lenny Dykstra, though they could be brothers from different mothers).  I wouldn’t be surprised if Oswalt is fine for the start of the regular season.  C’mon, he rides tractors in the offseason, you can’t stop that magic.

Curtis Granderson – Early yesterday morning, Joe Girardi said Grandy will be ready for Opening Day.  But Girardi wears braces causing no one to take him serious, so later in the day there was word Grandy won’t be ready.

Dustin Ackley – Dustin’s off, man, to the minors.  Invest in plastics!

Jake Peavy – Called his rotator cuff problem a minor blip.  Yeah, and the Titanic hit a minor iceberg.

Kila Ka’aihue – Haven’t talked much about The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian.  He hasn’t hit for much average so far in the major leagues.  Or is it ma’ajor leagues?  But he’s hitting well so far this spring.  Oh, poi!  In OBP leagues, you should grab him in the reserve rounds for a chance at something special.  In 15 team leagues or more, take a flyer.  Can’t hurt.  He could be one of those guys that becomes the hot add the first week of the season and hits 25 homers with a .260 average.

Alexi Ogando – Told reporters he wants to close.  Now there’s some initiative.  Next time, he should say that while dressed as Ron Washington.

Oliver Perez – The Nats signed him then announced they would be holding an Oliver Perez Day in late-May where the fans get to throw rocks at the management, only to miss them with three of four throws.

Brandon Webb – Was scratched from throwing when he couldn’t get loose.  Wait a second, someone in aluminum pants just walked into my office.  What’s that?  You’re from the future?  Wow!  Why are you here, future boy?  To tell me Webb only starts seven games all year and is then shut down again?  Thanks!  Wait, come back!  I have important questions for you!  Like, um, who wins Top Chef?!

Brian Wilson – Had a setback with his oblique.  Sorta like the monkeys at the start of 2001:  A Space Odyssey.  My money says Romo is going to close games for the first week of the regular season and it’s written in Latin.

Cody Ross – May miss the start of a season with a hurt calf, which is abbreviated in the New England Journal of Medicine as a boo-boo on the moo-moo.

In last year’s top 80 outfielders post, I told you to take a flyer on Krispie Young, Delmon Young and Nick Swisher.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, not too shabby.  Then there was crap, crap, kinda crap and Jason Heyward.  That’s what you’re probably getting late at outfield again this year.  I’m no Nostradumbass, but I’m telling you there’s not going to be a whole lot of greatness coming out of this post.  We’re Cousteau deep right now.  So all the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings are found under yonder and we’re moving onto pitchers next.  That should excite you, you special person you.  Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

61. Tyler Colvin – This is a continuation of the last tier in the top 60 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This tier ends at Boesch.  You’re looking at a guy who should get around 20 homers and a handful of steals, assuming you don’t have Alfonseca hands.  Though I’m legitimately concerned he’s going to hit just .240, have homers in the teens and be unusable.  2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.265/10

62. Coco Crisp – Seems like Coco is the du jour pick of people who think they’re, like, totally smart.  People look at him and see a guy that gave a cheap, very valuable season last year.  It’s true.  Okay, now think about his ownership last year.  He was always on and off waivers for a reason.  He was 30 years old while having his first productive season in years and he can’t stay healthy.  He’s fine if he’s healthy but you’ll be dropping him at some point.  Mark my words.  Not with a permanent marker though, they’re on your computer.  2011 Projections:  50/6/35/.260/22

63. Ryan Kalish – Kalish is a big time friend of Grey.  He’s got great upside.  I guarantee at some point he will be the hottest add off of waivers.  Just right now, as I write this in January, I have no idea where he’s playing every day.  You wanna grab him in the last few rounds as a flyer?  I’m all for it just to see if he can break camp and start.  Just know, you may be dropping him a few days into the season.  2011 Projections:  65/7/50/.270/25 in 400 ABs

64. Franklin Gutierrez – I think I’m finally ready to admit that I like Gutierrez’s nickname, The Big FraGu, more than I like him in fantasy, but not quite.  He’s a cheap 15/15 guy!  (Which does grow crazy boring over the course of the season.)  2011 Projections:  65/15/70/.260/17

65. Garrett Jones – Robot Jones didn’t make the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  Neither the hoo!  He’s worth a flyer at a corner infidel spot if you’re desperate.  His average last year was a bit on the unlucky side, he has power and some slight speed.  What I’m basically saying is, he’s a’ight.  2011 Projections:  65/24/80/.270/7

66. Chris Carter – Could hit 30 homers, but will he ever reveal what happened to The Smoking Man?  Actually, I have no idea if that makes sense.  I never saw The X-Files.  I’m not a dork!  Anyway, back to fantasy baseball…  My Chris Carter fantasy is there.  I wrote it in pink highlighter while riding on the back of an emu.  I suggest you picture that while reading it.  2011 Projections:  35/22/55/.225/3

67. Brennan Boesch – Is he even a starter?  Not sure, but if he gets hot he might start for a couple of months.  He did show last year that when he’s hitting he can keep it going for a bit.  He’s probably more of a guy to look at in Spring Training to see what his playing time is.  2011 Projections:  60/16/70/.250/7

68. Brad Hawpe – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ordonez.  I call this tier, “If you draft any of these guys in your last outfield slot, you deserve to lose.”  Veteran outfielders are fine to pick up once the season starts and you want to play the hot hand, but to draft one is wasting a pick.  Even if a guy like Hawpe explodes in Petco (which is highly doubtful), you’re not going to hold him when someone is sitting on waivers that is far more enticing the first week of the season.  Really you shouldn’t even be drafting hitters this late.  You should’ve already filled your hitting and be grabbing random closer handcuffs or an SP.  Oh, and I have nothing to say about Hawpe.  2011 Projections:  55/24/70/.260

69. Josh Willingham – It’s the 2nd coming of The Hammer in Oakland, only this Hammer you can touch.  Though you shouldn’t.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.260/4

70. Johnny Damon – If he played 2nd base, he’d have value and be able to reach the base he’s throwing to.  2011 Projections:  85/14/45/.280/10

71. J.D. Drew – He’s in a good place to play, assuming he’s playing and not on the trainer’s table getting his quad rubbed down.  2011 Projections: 60/21/70/.270/3

72. Cody Ross – Probably will hit a few homers some random week of the season and I’ll tell you to grab him while he’s hot.  That will probably last for about two weeks then you’re going to need to drop him again.  2011 Projections:  60/17/70/.260/10

73. Jack Cust – He only has outfield eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  That’s okay, cause you’re not drafting him anyway.  Cust kayin’.  2011 Projections:  60/20/70/.235

74. Magglio Ordonez – Soul Glo Magglio of yesteryear is donezo.  Now he’s “Maybe you get 20 homers and a good average while boring the Capris off of you” Magglio or you get “Oft-injured vet that causes people to mock you when you draft him” Magglio.  Neither is very good.  2011 Projections:  65/15/75/.300

75. Luke Scott – I call this tier, “Guys that have outfield eligibility in Yahoo, but you should be playing them at different positions.”  I don’t necessarily dislike all of these guys.  They’re kinda hit or miss.  Or not really hitting and missing, as the case will probably be.  As for Luke “I am not your waiver wire fodder” Scott, it’s cute that you think you’re going to own him all year, but we both know you’re not going to.  If you want to draft him, I won’t stand in your way, but I also won’t stand in your way when you drop him before the season starts.  2011 Projections:  60/22/70/.260

76. Eric Patterson – Patterson’s projections can be found at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

77. Bill Hall – I don’t think H-A Double Hockey Sticks got mentioned in the top 20 basemen post but I guess that’s the point.  He’s not that memorable.  All kidding aside– Were we kidding? I did not know. Quiet, Random Italicized Voice.  Bill Hall’s not a terrible crazy late flyer at 2nd base.  Don’t put him in your outfield.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.240/7

78. Ryan Doumit – Doumit’s projections can be found at the top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

79. Omar Infante – Infante’s projections can be found at the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

80. Mark Teahen – Member when people were excited by Mark Teahen for a minute a few years ago?  That’s not an Urban Dictionary dot com “minute” either, which is actually a long time.  I have a nickname for Mark Teahen, MT Promises.  2011 Projections:  60/15/75/.275/7

After the top 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s more names than you can throw a stick at, but here’s three worth mentioning:

David Murphy – I like Murph, but you have to platoon him.  Say, grab him with your next to last round pick then Matt Diaz with your last round pick.  You’ll actually end up with decent numbers if you switch them out per matchups but you also might grow bored by April 15th and drop both.  Or have an injury to someone and need to drop one.  2011 Projections:  50/15/65/.280/12

Matt Joyce – If it wasn’t for Damon and Manny, Joyce could mollywhop homers and save kittens.  Then again, Manny and Damon, or as I like to call them Damanny, will get hurt and Joyce will see some time.  2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4

Brandon Allen – I’d actually rank Allen 63rd on this list, but here he is so I can highlight him.  I like Brandon Allen probably more than I should.  The addition of Nady hurts his value, Juan Miranda hurts his value, Brandon Allen hurts his own value, but I think he finally gets his ABs in the desert.  If they play Parra over Allen, I could have a fit, or phit if you spell like a graffiti artist.  Allen will hit 25 homers with everyday at-bats and, in his last year of Triple-A, he stole 14 bases.  He might hit .230 but it’s absolutely worth the flyer.  I also already went into a seedy motel and soiled it further with my Brandon Allen fantasy.  I.e., Grey hearts Brandon Allen.  2011 Projections:  60/25/80/.245/7

Matt Cain had a no-hitter through eight innings until an infield single by Jay Payton (who I believe runs with a cane, ironically enough) broke it up.  Final line for Cain was 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks to bring his season ERA to 2.95.  (Fancy metric alert!)  Last year, Cain’s xFIP was almost a run and a half greater than his ERA.  Or if Joe Morgan’s reading, gibberish gobbledygook > meaningful stat.  This year, more of the same.  So my question to you is, does Matt Cain want the Fangraphs Database to commit seppuku?  Leave FD alone, it’s still trying to figure out Austin Jackson’s BABIP!  Personally, I’m done fighting Matt Cain and his lucky ways.  I’ve overthought enough.  (Overthinked?  Overthunked?  Am I overthinking this?)  He’s in a pitchers’ park and he doesn’t give up homers.  Are they associated?  Probably.  He strikes out a fair amount and his walks have been in check this year.  Looks like a number #2 starter.  Wrap it up, I’ll take it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Sanchez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Now hitting over .400 in the last week with homers in back-to-back games.  If it wasn’t the last week, I wouldn’t even mention him.  But right now, it’s not a bad time to ride Dirty Sanchez.

Cody Ross – 2-for-4 and 3 homers this week.  Andres Torres returned for a second and pushed Ross to the bench, but now the Giants think Torres might’ve been rushed, so Ross could see time.

Melvin Mora – Hit his third homer in the last 8 days (which is a week if you count Muesday).  Mora’s family has a hard time speaking positive about him, so let’s leave it at he’s hot.

David Aardsma – DA has been charged with an oblique strain.  As soon as they find out where and what the oblique is Aardsma should return.  I’m thinking next year, the M’s say in a few days.  Makes no sense to me.  Why run your not-at-hundred-percent closer out there?  To avoid loss number 100?  I grabbed Brandon League in, uh, leagues where I needed saves.  My suggestion is you do the same then when you ring me up in the offseason we’ll have something to talk about.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 38th homer and, according to ESPN, he got an MVP chant.  This is news?  They were in Detroit.  They ain’t chanting “Ford was a Nazi,” that’s for sure.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Twins B squad.  Porcello gets the Suckie-O’s next.  Not a huge fan of Porcello, but that’s not a terrible matchup.

Jose Valverde – Pitched an inning on Sunday and should be safe for the final week.  I’d lose Coke.  Ron Washington, “What are you losing?!”

Brian Duensing – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  The music finally skipped a beat on The Duensing Machine.  I’d lose him in all leagues.  It was smoke and mirrors before and that went poof.  You don’t want to run him out there again.

Delmon Young – Hit his 19th homer.  I’m still on board with Delmon in keepers, but I’m wondering if he might be overrated next year like Sandoval and Butler were this year.  Doode’s definitely got girth, but I like 30+ homer potential from my outfielders.  December Grey will have to examine this Rubik’s moobs.

Jason Frasor – Recorded the four out save as Gregg sat on the bench.  *shrugs*  Honestly, not sure why.  If you’re totally desperate for saves, I’d grab Frasor.

Alfredo Simon – Got thrown out the game for throwing at Bautista.  Unsurprisingly, the ball plunked off Bautista’s forearm and went for a homer.

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs.  Jeff Feenuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.  Aviles has 4 homers in the last ten games and is batting over .300.

Billy Butler – 3-for-3, raising his average to .320.  Butler has always been terrific in Spring Training to earn the nickname, Mr. Grapefruit.  He’s now proving he just hits well when there’s nothing on the line.  Assuming that’s not a buffet line.

James Shields – 6 IP, 5 ER vs. the M’s.  Here’s what I said in February (!) when I was mocking ESPN’s mock draft, “(The pick of Shields at 152) is not a pick I would make, but this isn’t so much about the time when Shields was drafted.  The real knee to the balls is in the comments where (ESPN) wrote, “Becquey takes James Shields with pick No. 152, and many lament that Shields is off the board.”  Why? Because of his mediocre K-rate?  Is it his increasing walk rate?  Is it his inability to pitch in away games?  Is it his division?  Are they using a new definition of lament?  Seriously, I have to stop before I get an aneurysm.”  Schadenfreude, snitches!

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros, who he owns.  Don’t press your luck with Maholm for another start and get whammied.

Pedro Alvarez – 3-for-5, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  As I said last week (or think I said), Alvarez has been very streaky in his short career, right now it’s the good kind of streaky.

J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Though there were some unearned runs for the ticker shock.  He gets the Cubs for his final start, which isn’t terrible.

Brandon Beachy – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Beachy is shore doing well.  (Clever with a capital K!)  Might be an interesting name to look at next year, but I wouldn’t mess with him in his final start vs. the Phils.

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 24th and 25th homers.  I don’t care when they come, just get to 30.  Stats!

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  As long as none of my direct competitors this final week have Beltran, I kinda hope he hits 25 homers in the last week so some ESPN rubes draft him crazy early next year.  ESPN, you are my fodder!

Chase Utley – 1-for-4 with his 16th homer.  What’s that, Martin Prado had a better season?  I will now eat an apple laced with cyanide.

Clayton Richard – 5 IP, 6 ER.  Holy heffin’ hey, is this the most runs ever given up in Petco?  Did they play with the Rock ‘n Jock short fences?  What are you doing to me, Richard?  It’s the final effin’ week.  You better look over your shoulder next time you’re alone in the Gaslamp, you schmohawk.

Chad Billingsley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Sonavabench!  (BTW, of course he didn’t get the win.  If he were throwing a perfect game, they’d still be playing because no pitchers I own can get a win.  I’m cursed.  Stupid Zoltar!)

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-3.  Another streaky youngster who has 3 homers in the last week.  (Look at me, I’m an oldster, saying things like youngster.  Now get off my lawn!)

Matt Thornton – Got the 2 inning save yesterday.  Chris Sale was used on Saturday but he only threw 9 pitches so he couldn’t have been tired.  Ozzie probably just forgot he said Sale was the closer.  Between alleged racism and Twitter, it’s a lot for Ozzie to keep straight.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 7 ER.  I told you he was getting lucky (probably three months too early)!

Mitch Moreland – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs with 2 homers.  Moreland was hitting below .100 in the last week before this game, so I’m not sure yet if this is a sign or a freak occurrence.  BTW,  yesterday there were 5 homers in Petco and 6 homers in the Oakland Coliseum… Speaking of freak occurrences, Lincecum would’ve sent those juiced balls back.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last three games.  With Hamilton out and Vlad resting his Ron Kovic knees, I’d see if Frenchy can hit a few more freedom flies.

Chris Perez – The mulleted closer was out Sunday as his wife was giving birth.  Here’s a Razzball exclusive look at the baby boy.