*sings Kelis song in head for five minutes before starting post* Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I can teach you, but I have to charge. Stupid brain! Denard Span has been hotter than something that’s hot in a situation that’s even hotter. I’m thinking he’s hotter than a stolen wallet that fell into the crack of the world’s fattest man. You can fill in a better allusion if you’d like. I’m empowering you, my prematurely balding men readers. Let’s go back to the beginning of the season, March Grey drafted Denard Span in his last draft of the year, an NL-Only league. I, Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario, was happy to get him, figured he could give me solid counting stats and 20-25 steals. Five months later, I was benching him for Eric Young, Garrett Jones, Reymond Fuentes, really anyone. Then Span decided to reach my projections in the final month. He’s hitting over .400 in September and has stolen more bases this month than all of August (yes, he only stole one base in August, so it’s not that spectacular of an achievement). If you’re struggling for runs, steals and average, I’d grab Span in every league. The only way he could get hotter is if the world’s fattest man farts. Allusion callback! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
In the summer of 1937, a woman went into labor. This woman’s name was Alfonsa Soriano. She was 78 years old at the time and the doctors worried she wouldn’t be able to deliver a healthy baby and she risked her own safety. The baby and the mother made it through. Unfortunately, due to her age, her skin wasn’t as elastic as a woman half her age and she walked the rest of her life like she was just jumping hurdles. Her son, Alfonso Soriano, adopted her long gait — a way to pay homage? — and it helped him later in life. He said because of his long strides, he made sneakers last twice as long because he used half the number of steps as most people. Heartwarming. Also, heartwarming is his insane season. Yesterday, he hit two more homers to bring his season total up to 32 and he now sits at 98 RBIs and 79 runs. Yeah, you were counting on that when you drafted him in the last round of your drafts, or as a late $1 flyer. Look away for the next moment if you don’t own him: on our Player Rater, he’s the 6th best outfielder! In front of him, Chris Davis, Mike Trout, Adam Jones, Andrew McCutchen and Jacoby Ellsbury. Right after Soriano? Carlos Gonzalez! Absolute-Lee-Eff-In-Cray-Zee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ah, yes, fall is in the air. *cues up Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer”* As the calendar turns to September, the days get shorter, my seersucker suit returns to its rightful place in the closet, the kids are lovingly shipped off to military school, every tattooed hipster barista in town attempts to sell me something that tastes of pumpkin (I just want coffee flavored coffee dammit) and the fantasy baseball playoffs are set to begin. Our fake baseball season is nearing its completion, its finale, the culmination of 22 weeks of jams and crams that have hopefully led you to the edge of the fantasy glory hole. No more Ike Davis wisecracks, no more Ryan Braun shrunken gonad jokes and no more contact with Heidi Watney per court order. 500 feet, phfffft! So, my dear Razzballin’ gurus, if you’re reading, you’re leading and sprinting to the finish line of this marathon known as the fantasy baseball season. Quick question? Is there a fantasy marathon league? No? Damn, I was going to draft Gebregziabher Gebremariam. Oh well, it’s time to win this baseball thing. Somehow it all feels anticlimactic. Even if we win, if we win, HAH! Even if we win, it just wouldn’t matter because all the really good looking girls would still go out with the guys from Mohawk because they’ve got all the money! Sorry, in an effort to be inspiring I went all Meatballs there for a moment. It’s time to jam it or cram it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The McC went 1-for-2 last night with a run. Not really numbers deserving of the lede, but since I only get to do this once a week, I do what I want. And plus, I had already done my photoshop before the game ended. So there’s that. Truth be told, I really have nothing else to say about Andrew McCutchen. It is a very fine season. You know that. I know that. Sky… may not know that. He’s busy helping out all you folks that don’t have a Fantasy Baseball team in the running over at RazzFoot. That’s what I’m calling our Fantasy Football site. Because 20 years ago, I loved the Ninja Turtles. You know, the Foot Clan? RazzFoot? NINJA VANISH! Eh. Whatever. The McCutch is having a great year. He’s having a great Fantasy Baseball year. To hate him is to hate kittens. To love him is to not spell it McCutcheon. Start spreading the word. Here’s what else I noticed yesterday:Please, blog, may I have some more?
This year was a big year for Christian Yelich. He got his driver’s permit, went to the Junior Prom with a senior (!), his parents got a divorce, went on an adventure with his friends where they discovered a dead body in the forest and stumbled on the killers, solved that murder and got his braces off. Even with all of that, there was one thing that stood out as the most important part of his summer — his call-up to the majors. He’s the Doogie Howser of major league baseball. At the age of sixteen, he shouldn’t be playing this well. He should need some time to adjust. His head should be preoccupied with new responsibilities. Like memorizing emergency phone numbers, writing his last name in all of his tighty-whiteys or getting Jimmy Lunkin to secure him a fake ID so he can sneak into R-rated films. Still, with all of this, he’s managed to hit for a solid average with three homers and six steals in forty games. On top of that, he’s got the hottest bat in the majors right now, hitting near .500 in the last week with three of those steals and one of those dingers. I’d grab him in every league. Hurry before homework from the new school year bogs him down. Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After Pablo Sandoval hit three homers in a World Series game last year, he sat down with Reggie Jackson for a conversation in December. Reggie wanted to know what the experience was like for him and to tell him his own. By the end of the conversation, Pablo was near tears, he whispered to Reggie, barely able to get the words out, “The fans threw candy bars onto the field?” Pablo Sandoval’s like the condensed milk version of Jay Bruce. It’s not really milk, but it’s real sweet and kinda tastes like milk and frosting and it gets crazy hot for one game a year. Jesus, Pablo (no relation to Jesus Guzman), if I would’ve known all it took to get you hot was to say you’re droppable, I would’ve done it in April. He still cost a lot of people their fantasy seasons, and is probably on a lot of teams that are out of the race, but, if you have him, you gotta hope this is the start of something. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’ve been mentioning him here and there in the blurb sections of the roundups, but I can’t wait until Friday’s Buy, or until the offseason when I’m gonna gush over him in a sleeper post. I love Cody Asche. I love him for everything he is, and for everything he’s not. One thing he’s not is on many, if anyone’s radar. He’s not even owned in 1% of ESPN leagues, though once Matthew Berry picks him up on 24,000 of his teams that number will shoot up to 99% owned. Yesterday, Asche went 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in 28 games. Prorate that over a full season and he’s hitting 40 homers– Wait, I had my calculator to Chris Davis math. Okay, so it’s only about 15-20 homers, but he can also steal 10 bases and should hit around .290. He’s like a modern day Eric Hosmer, if Eric Hosmer weren’t already modern day. I remixing The Game for this Outkast and Asche’s to Asche’s, ah ha, don’t make me hush this fuss! Why do I love him for this year, but much more for 2014 fantasy baseball? The Phillies need to move towards the future, and Asche will have a starting job, and get drafted in the late 200′s in most mixed leagues, but have the upside of a 70/17/82/.285/10 player. Yes, I just gave you my first 2014 projection. Cody Asche, you make me excited, let’s cuddle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Some players do something so wonderfully fantastic in one game that they force themselves into the lede. Some players do something so terrifically awful that they find themselves in the lede. Other players take on a slow burn of a Neil LaBute movie. They’re just guys hanging out in an office; they’re just messing with a deaf girl, the deaf girl is falling in love and Brandon Moss is killing it like T.J. Lavin would say! Damn, Brandon Moss, you wanna touch my butter so I can dip my lobster in it? I mean, gee-dee-eff-why-zee Brandon Moss’s on fire. (Gee-dee-eff-why-zee is my new exclamation for wonderful, feel free to use it often.) He now has seven homers in the last ten games and yesterday he even threw in a steal because Brandon Moss DON’T TAKE NO MESS THOUGH I DON’T LOVE THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAY HIS WHOLE NAME EVERY TIME RATHER THAN JUST BRANDON OR MOSS; I ALSO DON’T NEED TO BE SCREAMING THIS, PROBABLY! Brandon Moss makes me so crazy I can’t even capitalize properly. All along I’ve been saying you need to platoon Brandon Moss, and you do, but he’s also making it worthwhile that you should absolutely be doing just that with him in every league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I have a team building exercise for the Mets. Get Kevin Mitchell on the horn. He has at least five baby mamas that are flight attendants. Scrounge up the plane Lenny Dykstra owned for a minute before filing for bankruptcy. You’re going to Hawaii. All you need to do is recover the tiki doll that was lost in Maui and return it to the grave of Vincent Price. Otherwise, your team will remain cursed forever. What a terrible blow to Matt Harvey keeper owners. And not what terrible blow, as was heard around the Mets clubhouse in the 80′s. Harvey’s done for at least 15 months if he needs Tommy John surgery, and that’s what it sounds like, while Tommy John Surgery sounds like, “I don’t want to rob the world of greatness, yet I do. Repeatedly.” Poor Tommy John Surgery. No one wins here! In redraft leagues, you can obviously drop Harvey. His innings count came slightly earlier than expected. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hey, how are you doing? Good/Bad? That’s good/bad. This is a beautiful/ugly morning/afternoon/night we’re having! What great/lousy weather. I love/hate this time of year! It’s like the beginning/middle/end of everything we love/hate. I remember when we went to (fill-in anecdote) and you said (search old emails for something they said). You are so smart/dumb about those things! I enjoy/hate your insight. Let’s please/never talk again. Oops! I meant to paste in my generic buy on Brandon Belt that I do every year and instead you got my generic break-up/let’s have sex email. Every year around this time, Brandon Belt ignites the furries in my nether regions and I go and tell you to pick him up. Here’s an idea, maybe he’s just a 2nd half hitter! I don’t know, and it’s not really pertinent right now. What is important is how he’s hitting. Since the All-Star break, he’s hitting .324 with five homers with all five of those homers coming in August, four coming in the last week. I don’t know where I’m gonna fall on Belt next year. Right now, he looks like a solid sleeper, but he looks like that every August. None of that matters, grab him now if you’re struggling at your corner infidel slot. He’s bound to do well/poorly! Hey, I found my generic Belt buy post! Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?