Fantasy Baseball Advice

On the heels of the top 20 closers for 2012 fantasy baseball — or heals if you’re talking strictly about Huston Street and Andrew Bailey — comes every closer for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This is the post you’ve all been waiting for since earlier this morning!  Sorry to put you through that hour and a half of anguish/anticipation or anguishipation.  You were a melancholy soul.  But now you’re happy — yay.  It’s still Monday funday!  There were quite a few moves this offseason with closers relocating to greener pastures, or in some case, just different pastures.  Maybe that’s best expressed through the cliché mash-up — the grass isn’t always greener pastures.  Andrew Bailey moved, Mark Melancon moved, Ryan Madson moved, Huston Street moved, Heath Bell moved, Rafael Betancourt moved into the closer role, Sergio Santos moved and Joe Nathan moved.  A regular ol’ closerousel that we haven’t see the likes of since Tony La Russa retired (technically, that’s correct; though not exactly that long ago).  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
4. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
5. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
7. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Santiago Casilla)
8. J.J. Putz (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
9. Heath Bell (Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo, Mike Dunn)
10. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Jeff Samardzija)
11. Joakim Soria (Jonathon Broxton, Greg Holland)
12. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
13. Ryan Madson (Sean Marshall, Nick Masset)
14. Kenley Jansen (Javy Guerra, Todd Coffey)
15. Jason Motte (Eduardo Sanchez)
16. Huston Street (Luke Gregerson)
17. Andrew Bailey (Mark Melancon, Bobby Jenks)
18. Sergio Santos (Francisco Cordero)
19. Jordan Walden (Scott Downs, LaTroy Hawkins)
20. Kyle Farnsworth (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chris Perez– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Asdrubal in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
22. Rafael Betancourt (Rex Brothers)
23. Matt Thornton (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed)
24. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
25. Brandon League (Shawn Kelley, Hong-Chih Kuo)
26. Chris Perez (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
27. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
28. Matt Capps (Joel Zumaya, Glen Perkins)
29. Brian Fuentes (Grant Balfour, Joey Devine)
30. Juan Abreu (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Fernando Rodriguez, The Ghost of Ed Wade’s Toupee)

Friends, neighbors and Razzballians, this is the last Closer Look of the season.  Sure, I’ll talk about closers during the roundups in the last month, but no more rankings that become dated usually about an hour after I post them.  The sadness!  The grief!  The inconsequence of it all!  Since our last look at all the closers, the loss of Brian Wilson — not The Beach Boy, we lost him 25 years ago to the purple pills — is the biggest news from last month to now that isn’t weather related.  I’d say we also lost Jon Rauch, but I’m not sure he was ever the closer and he’s seven-three so you can’t really lose him.  Just look up.  Bobby Parnell finally took over for Izzy after his momentous 300th save that was reported all across the globe (in a small blurb under a classified ad for a used couch.)  Jason Motte got a vote of confidence from his manager then a vote of no confidence, which I’m sure will flip-slop at least five more times in September.  Jordan Walden fatigued, needs a nap.  Huston Street got hurt — shocker!  Leo Nunez did his usual late-season dive.  Finally, Gregg gaggs yet aggain, but he’s been like that for years and it’s never changed his job security.  He’s the Teflon Closer.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
2. Craig Kimbrel (+6) (Jonny Venters, Scott Linebrink)
3. Heath Bell (-1) (Chad Qualls, Luke Gregerson, Ernesto Frieri)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-1) (Daniel Bard)
5. Jose Valverde (-1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
7. John Axford (+5) (Francisco Rodriguez)
8. Joel Hanrahan (-1)(Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
9. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman)
10. J.J. Putz (+4) (David Hernandez)
11. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
12. Neftali Feliz (+11) (Mike Adams, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
13. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
14. Sergio Santos (-3) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale)
15. Chris Perez (+10) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
16. Ryan Madson (+3) (Brad Lidge, Antonio Bastardo)
17. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Capps, Glen Perkins)
18. Joakim Soria (Aaron Crow)
19. Brandon League (+1) (Jamey Wright)
20. Andrew Bailey (-5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
21. Javy Guerra (+5) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Jordan Walden (-1) (Scott Downs, Hisanori Takahashi)
23. Kevin Gregg (Jim Johnson)
24. Mark Melancon (Wilton Lopez)
25. Fernando Salas/Jason Motte (-4) (Octavio Dotel)
26. Bobby Parnell (+2) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
27. Frank Francisco (+3) (Casey Janssen, Jon Rauch)
28. Rafael Betancourt (-18) (Huston Street, Rex Brothers)
29. Steve Cishek/Leo Nunez/Edward Mujica (-17) (Mike Dunn)
30. Sergio Romo/Jeremy Affeldt/Ramon Ramirez/Santiago Casilla (-25) (Brian Wilson, Mike Love, John Stamos)

Neftali Feliz is now a starter.  Or is he?  Emphasis on the ‘or.’  Or is it on the ‘is?’  You’ll never know!  Muahahahahaha… Yeah, I don’t think Feliz is going to be a starter.  They got to the World Series the way things were, you change that?  Ogando or O’Day or Oliver or… What’s with the O names?  Here’s a sneak peek of a post title for the first game one of these schmohawks blows a game, “Rangers Say O’Shit.”  Any the hoo!  Washington has said he likes Feliz getting the final three outs.  I think Washington gets what he wants, but I suppose anything’s possible.  For that reason, I’m dropping Feliz down the closer ranks.  The other big loser since the last closer look is Drew Storen.  I think he should be the closer, but the Nats are hesitating about calling him the closer.  If he secures the job, he’ll move back up the charts.  For now, he has some risk.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams)
3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda)
4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner)
6. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
7. Jose Valverde (+2) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. J.J. Putz (+4) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta)
11. John Axford (+3) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
13. Andrew Bailey (-2) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
14. Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez)
15. Matt Thornton (+6) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
17. Brad Lidge (+1) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
18. Neftali Feliz (-13) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe)
19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Pat Neshek)
21. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
22. Joel Hanrahan (+2) (Evan Meek)
23. Fernando Rodney (+3) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs)
24. Frank Francisco (-2) (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor)
25. Leo Nunez (-5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
26. Drew Storen (-9) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
29. Brandon League (David Aardsma)
30. Kyle Farnsworth (Jake McGee, J.P.Howell, Waitress of the Month at local Hooter’s)

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)

Joe Nathan and Huston Street are gone and everyone moved up.  That’s why people like Matt Capps and Chris Perez have done little but squat on the john yet moved up the rankings.  Though I still managed to find a way to not move up Brian Fuentes.  The way we’re going there won’t be any $12 Salads by May.  Then what?  $8 Side Dishes?  Who needs roasted cauliflower with truffle oil?  Not me!  I’m happy with a baked potato.  Yes, sir!  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t write these right before lunch.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Hideki Okajima, Daniel Bard)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Alfredo Aceves, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
3. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (George Sherrill, Ramon Troncoso, Hong-Chih Kuo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

4. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Ryota Igareshi, Jenrry Mejia, Eddie Kunz)
5. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
6. Carlos Marmol (+1) (John Grabow, Esmailin Caridad)
7. Joakim Soria (+1) (Juan Cruz, Roman Colon, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. David Aardsma (+1) (Mark Lowe, Brandon League)
10. Brian Wilson (+1) (Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo)
11. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset, Jared Burton)
12. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
13. Billy Wagner (+2) (Takashi Saito, Kris Medlen)
14. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Josh Kinney)
15. Mike Gonzalez (+7) (Jim Johnson, Cla Meredith)
16. Brian Fuentes (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
17. Frank Francisco (+3) (Darren O’Day, Chris Ray, Neftali Feliz)
18. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
19. Leo Nunez (+1) (Dan Meyer, Brian Sanches)
20. Trevor Hoffman (+3) (Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins)
21. Andrew Bailey (-4) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler, Joey Devine)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Zimmerman in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Bobby Jenks (+3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
23. Chad Qualls (+4) (Juan Gutierrez, Bob Howry)
24. Matt Capps (+2) (Brian Bruney, Tyler Clippard, Mike MacDougal)
25. Jason Frasor (+5) (Kevin Gregg, Scott Downs)
26. Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Kerry Wood)
27. Jon Rauch/Matt Guerrier (-26) Jose Mijares, Francisco Liriano)
28. Franklin Morales (-15) (Manny Corpas, Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
29. Ryan Madson (-4) (Danys Baez, Brad Lidge)
30. Matt Lindstrom/Brandon Lyon (-1) (Sammy Gervacio, Ed Wade’s Toupee)