Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!

A whale of a prospect plus a bad oblique leads to a a closed Beachy.  Enter Julio Teheran.  Well, reenter Julio Teheran.   Teheranasaurus Rex!  First, let’s see what Stephen said about him, “Easily the best story of the 2010 minor league year.  Teheran throws a 92 to 96 MPH fastball, an above-average changeup, and a more consistent breaking pitch.  Teheran is considered a top 5 pitching prospect in the minors, if not top three.  Finally, I hope Grey gets his mustache caught in the gears of a car.”  Hmm… Maybe I should’ve read what he wrote before quoting him.  Anyhoo!  Don’t judge Teheran on his messy first start in the bigs.  He should be grabbed in most competitive leagues.  Should have a 7+ K/9 and a high 3 ERA with a chance for a lot more.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Chris Carpenter – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was handily beat by Wood (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks).  In honor of the Carpenter/Wood matchup, everyone in attendance received a bill for $5000 for a picket fence that wasn’t completed correctly.

Lance Berkman – 5 for his last 28, hitting .179 in May.  Okay, so two of those five were homers, but still without the inflated average from April, you wouldn’t be happy owning him right now.

Fernando Salas – Looks like the spinning bottle stopped on someone new this weekend.  Dave Duncan said Sanchez is no longer the closer, after naming him the closer three days ago.  That’s not a closerousel.  THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL!  Duncan said Salas would now have the shot at closing games.  So, if you’re reading between the lines, he’s actually saying Salas would be the next person to lose the job of closer.  The Cardinals closer spin cycle is set to wishy-washy.

Ramon Hernandez – Hit three homers in the last two games.  He’s hotter than a habanero’s ass right now.  Whatever that means.

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  As any pitching coach will tell you, you never lead off an inning with a walk.  It comes back to haunt you.  Especially if you walk 3 of the next 4 batters too.  If he were any wilder, they’d change his name to Gene.

Jorge Posada – Yankees said Posada just didn’t want to bat ninth so he pulled himself from Saturday’s game.  Posada’s wife bastardized Reggie by saying that’s the straw that broke his back, or some shizz.  Imagine if Big Stein was around during the age of Twitter.  Steinbrenner tweeting from the grave, “My men told me Phelps!”  As far as fantasy baseball goes, I don’t want Posada on any team.  He’s hitting the interstate, and that interstate is about as pleasant to ride on as the Cross Bronx Expressway to a Yankee game.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, and his 4th home run.  I am Sparkakis!

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He was featured in Friday’s Buy column.  Go ahead, scroll to that post.  It’ll burn 7 calories.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer since he returned from the DL.  Here’s what I said in the preseason about Hardy, “Hardy could be a nice endgame target in AL-Only leagues.  Though a full season of at-bats is far from a guarantee with Hardy.  Though II, The Return of Though, in a full season of ABs, Hardy’s should be good for 17 to 22 homers.  Though III, The Bride of Though, his average won’t be pretty.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, now has 4 homers in the last week.  Looks like someone stole whatever it was Fuld was dwinking.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with a home run and two steals.  Coco Crisp got the slam & legs, which could hurt his  Kellogg’s endorsements.

Josh Collmenter – Another great start on Saturday.  From a guy who had a 5.77 ERA in Triple-A, but good numbers elsewhere in the minors.  I’d take a flyer in certain deeper mixed leagues.  He is not a sub-1 ERA guy, as he’s currently sporting.  He could easily go out and roofie you next time out.

Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3 with his 10th home run yesterday, while he bats .252.  Considering the mess 3rd base is this year, I’d take it.  Oh, and I’m farting in your general direction, Pedro Alvarez.

Chris Davis – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year, but he hasn’t done much since his call up.  Him and Ian Stewart should put their salaries together and take all of their fantasy owners of the last two years out to dinner.

Brandon League – He’s now at 0-4 with three blown saves and 10 earned runs over his last three innings.  Rocco DiSpirito’s mom called.  She wants her meatballs back.  Wedge said that League would remain the closer for the time being, but that time being not very long by my approximation.  I’d grab Jamey Wright for a potential change in roles.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, now with a 3.05 ERA on the year.  A few weeks ago, we traded Brandon League and Aardsma for Kennedy.  Thank you, come again.

Chipper Jones – Has a tear in his meniscus.  That is Glass Chipper’s favorite cuss word.

Andy Dirks – Called up by the Tigers to replace the DL’d Magglio No-Soul-Glo-io.  AL-Only’ers should take a flyer, for sure.  In mixed leagues, I’d hold for now, though, knowing Leyland, Dirks will probably be hitting in the three hole.  I’m only half kidding.  Dirks has pretty modest power and slightly better speed, but not a burner.  10/15 would be the best case scenario over a full season and that’s not a guarantee at this point.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks in Coors.  I’ll say it for you.  Sonavabench!  This decent-enough start by Latos is coming off a terrible one.  That’s an issue.  You don’t know when to start him.  Another issue, he’s yet to go past six and a third innings in any start.  If Latos only pitches into the sixth, there’s not much chance for wins when the Padres score about as much as you when you were rocking that Member’s Only jacket.  Final issue comes via Men’s Health, Latos is gonna break down.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run in his last three games.  We dropped Posada and grabbed Lucroy in one league, hoping his average can help fix Posada’s lotta nada (<–alliteration in lieu of wit!).

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his owners with a conshellation prize.  Has a 6.60 ERA so far, and nowhere near the dominance one expects from Greinke, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — I think he’s just rusty and he’s going to find his groove shortly.

Clint Barmes – 1-for-2 with his 1st home run.  I really hope this is the start of something because I actually own this schmohawk in one league.  Though, because of injuries and slumps, that team currently looks like Rocky Dennis.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first homer.  I should probably own this middle infidel instead of Barmes.  Turner doesn’t have a huge upside (though his backside… Well, he’s stocky).   His best case scenario is 12 homers and 7 steals.  It’s just a’ight, which is obviously short of all right.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Even without looking at his xFIP, I can tell you he’s unlucky to have a 4.85 ERA.  I’d grab him in all leagues and ignore the ERA.

Jose Bautista – 3 home runs, 16 on the year.  You know what?  I was wrong thinking he wasn’t for real.  If he hits 40 homers this year, wouldn’t surprise me at this point.  That really bothers me.  I wish I believed in him.  I wish I owned him all over the place, because not only did he screw me last year, but he’s doing it again.  It gets me legitimately angry, which means I take this either seriously or too seriously.  Fantasy baseball, for those times your friends and family don’t stress you enough.  What’s really screwed up about Bautista’s last two years is it means we’re all just living inside Jose Bautista’s dream world.  Someone spin their top.  Please.

Jake Peavy is due back in less than a week unless he has a setback.  That ‘unless’ eats deep fried butter with a side of blooming onion, needs a crane to go to the bathroom and a mop to clean its inner thighs.  I’ll admit Peavy makes me smize, as Tyra would say.  I smized more when he was in Petco, but he’s pitched well in his rehab.  Does he deserve another chance?  Sure, why not?  What, he kicked your puppy’s nads?  Now if anyone tells you what you can expect of him this year other than three more DL stints, they’re lying, those no good liars.  You take the flyer on him if he’s on your waivers just hoping he stays healthy and produces.  The rest is icing.  …Actually, I’m using the rest is icing cliche wrong.  If he stays healthy and produces, that is the icing.  Can you tell I wrote this when I was hungry?  Mmm…Deep fried butter.  Anyway, here’s some players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Vicente Padilla – I feel like one small point that’s getting lost in all of this Padilla talk is that he sucks.

Hong-Chih Kuo – It’s so frustrating when you own a guy that should step into the closer role and he’s currently sucking.  Well, that’s interesting for you to read.  Moving on…

Eduardo Sanchez – I think Tony La Russa is building a case to get out of some kind of contractual obligation.  A’la, “Yes, my client, Tony La Russa agreed to endorse Sbarro, but as he’s shown from his managing of the Cards bullpen, he doesn’t know what he’s doing from minute to minute.”

Fernando Salas – I see your closer committee and I raise you a closer clusterf**k.

Mark Melancon – I just read about him somewhere.  Oh, I know.  Scroll down to this morning’s post.  It’ll help exercise your typee muscles.

Aneury Rodriguez – Because of Gallardo, Liriano and a host of other schmohawks, I’m actively looking at Aneury in more leagues than I’d like to admit.

Bud Norris – Don’t make me say something pithy, just pick him up already.

Brett Wallace – His face looks like he’s trying to gleek, but he is a current hot schmotato.

Matt LaPorta – Here’s a peek behind the curtain at Razzball HQ.  I start the Buy/Sell on Monday and as the week goes on I add and remove players.  LaPorta has been in three Buys on Monday and hasn’t made it to Friday staying hot.  Not a great sign, but he is kinda hot now so do what you do.

Ian Stewart – It took over a year, but I think the fantasy community has finally given up on Stewart.  So what better time for him to finally break out?!  Yeah, that’s wishful thinking.  If you lost one of the twenty-five 3rd basemen that are out injured or just suck (Pedro Alvarez, “I understand you are talking about me.  I apologize sincerely.  Now I wish to eat a piece of cake and strikeout.”), grab the one, the only Mini Mini Donkey.

Allen Craig – Out of curiosity, I went back and looked at what Pujols did his first month in the major leagues to see why La Russa ever even played him.  Sure enough, Pujols hit .370 with 8 homers in April of 2001.  Allen Craig, that is what you’re up against.  Good luck!

Scott Sizemore – On the other hand, if you were to suit up your dachshund in a Tigers uniform, Leyland would probably bat him in the top of the order.

Clint Barmes – I picked him up in one league for the short schedule day yesterday and think I might run him out there for a few while Beckham (or Bartlett or Alcides or Nishioka) gets his act together.

Ben Revere – SAGNOF!

Matt Joyce – Still on fire from his last appearance in a Buy/Sell.  But a word of warning, he’s nearing 50% owned in ESPN leagues, which means he’s about to bomb.

Angel Pagan – Not a huge fan, but he should get better and be owned in more leagues than he currently is.

Peter Bourjos – Sure taking a long time for people to pick this guy up.  Don’t make me send his cousin Per Djoos after you.

Jason Bourgeois – Could probably steal 800 bases this year if he played every day.  Okay, plus or minus 750.

Will Venable – More steals yadda³.  Apropos of nothing, Max Venable, Will’s pop-pop, had a 12-year major league career and he has about as much on his Wikipedia page as I do.  Someone fill out my man’s stub.

SELL

Alexi Ogando – Just went over how his xFIP is farting in his ERA’s general direction.  Hint:  It was yesterday’s afternoon post.

Placido Polanco – Probably will hit .400 just to spite me, but if you can trade him for a Brain Freeze or even a low-end Donkeycorn, I would, and I don’t usually trade for closers.  BTW, I’d love to be sitting over the shoulder of someone who stumbles on this website for the first time.  Donkeycorn?  Brain Freeze?  Hot schmotato?  How are there 250 comments on every post at this site?  Is this a cult?  Razzball?  How about Razz-what-the-eff-is-this-mustachioed-man-talking-about?

Russell Martin – I admit that I don’t think you can trade him for much, but I’d try.  He was a hot April, not a hot beginning of a great season.  Plus, The Great Gazoo is back.

Ben Zobrist – He’s the number one rated 2nd baseman according to ESPN’s Player Rater as of right now…Unfortunately, half of his stats came from one day.  Remember it wasn’t that long ago that you were thinking about dropping him because as of April 22nd, he had a .183 average with 3 homers and 2 steals.  Then the last week of April, he tripled just about all his stats.  I wouldn’t trade him for Micah Hoffpauir’s fake ID, but I’d explore options.

At least that’s the creed that Francona and Epstein keep repeating to themselves as they sit in the fetal position on opposite corners of the clubhouse shower. Carl Crawford seems like a nice guy.  Something about the name Carl.  So innocuous.  “Hey, sis, what’s your new boyfriend’s name?  Carl?  I’m gonna like him on Facebook.”  That’s you jibber-jabbering with your family.  Because Carl seems like a nice guy could be partially why it’s so sad to see him struggle this much.  Doode better not stand too close to the Pesky pole in a lightning storm cause he will get struck.  That’s been his luck so far.  Franconian measures were taken to get Crawford going by openly mocking him with a lineup switch.  That never helps.  It’s like when you’re a teenager and your Mom makes an appointment for you to see a dermatologist.  Suddenly, you realize you’re not hiding your acne as good as you thought you were.  Crawford is really doing nothing wrong other than getting extremely unlucky.  That luck will turn around and he’ll suddenly look like the 2nd round pick he was in the preseason.  To misquote a cliche, get in now while the gettin’s not good.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Justin Smoak – I just went over my Smoak fantasy.  I wrote it riding on the back of a bicycle through downtown Milwaukee while Shirley steered.

Brett Wallace – Sure, his ESPN Player Card looks like he had some bad work done by Dr. 90210 (you storing acorns in those cheeks, Brett?  Brett looks like he says, “Franks and beans!  Franks and beans!”), but he’s hitting at a near-.600 clip over the last week.

Brandon Wood – He’s one of the top prospects in the game!  Low voice:  From 6 years ago.

David Cooper – With the demotion of Snider (don’t write), Cooper will fill-in as the Jays DH.  For the Triple-A Vegas Fake Boobs, Cooper slashed .395/.438/.617.  His BABIP was silly ridiculous, so the average there isn’t happening but his power is decent.  When you put ‘decent power’ into Google translator, it spits back ‘Above James Loney but below Justin Smoak.  Say Ike Davis.  No, you don’t have to literally say it.’  Geez, Google translator sounds a bit testy.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s a must own — obviously.  I’d take a flyer on him in deeperish mixed leagues, depending on how bad you muffed your corner infidel slot.

Sergio Santos – This is probably still Mergio Salthorntos’ job, but Serge is a nose ahead.

Eduardo Sanchez – Similar shituation to the White Sox.  It’s not clearly Eduardo’s job.  Imagine, if you will, you’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.  A journey into a wondrous land where Ozzie and La Russa make every decision for you.  You order a burger then a steak then a piece of chicken.  You get your car washed, decide halfway through that you need a shower and hop out of your car.  You go to the movies and leave halfway through the opening credits.  That’s a signpost up ahead:  your next stop:  the Twilight Zone!

Vicente Padilla – I’d go with Kuo first.  Speaking of which…

Hong-Chih Kuo – Hello, I wish to welcome everyone who was sent here from the ellipsis in Padilla’s blurb.  Make yourself comfortable.  Can I offer you some tea?

Darren Oliver – He sounds like a sitcom character.  Not a funny one.  The straight man.  Not that there’s anything wrong with being straight.  Feliz is a lock to be saving games in a week (please, God, let that be true), but I’d own Oliver in the mean’s while.

Wilson Ramos – Grey’s Prediction That Doesn’t Matter At All Of The Day:  Ramos is going to be on and off waivers all year then will be drafted next year around 140 overall as he appears on sleeper lists all across the interwebs.

Mike Aviles – Not a huge fan, but he’s on his way to 15/15 season and his average should come up.

Jeff Baker – Baker has been so hot.  Like an oven.

Darwin Barney – The Purple Evolutionist, as someone coined him in the comments the other day, is hitting over his head, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ride the hot schmotato.

Clint Barmes – He’s still available in my NL-Only league and I’m not exactly rushing to pick him up.  Never the hoo!  If you’re rocking someone two eggs short of an omelet, I’d stash Barmes.

Domonic Brown – Pick him up now, DL him for a few weeks, then trade him a day before he returns.  Or ride the Brown lightning.  Hmm, that sounds kinda weird.

Randy Wolf – Could someone please make a t-shirt with three pictures of Wolf howling at the moon?  That is all.

Scott Baker – Rudy likes Scott Baker.  This was brought to you by the Committee of Grey Endorsing Baker Without Really Endorsing Him.

Alex White – Just went over Alex White this morning.  Scroll on, scroller!

Brandon Beachy – Me telling you to grab Beachy seems so three Buy/Sell’s ago, but he’s still only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  The same Beachy that has 31 Ks in 29 1/3 IP, a 31:9 K:BB and a 1.09 WHIP.

SELL

Gordon Beckham – Hitting under .200 with 2 homers and 1 steal.  At this point, I’d prefer to own Gordon Shumway.  I think it’s fair to say we can move on from this schmohawk.

Aubrey Huff – Depends on the league whether you’re dropping him or trading him (as with most of these guys), but I warned you in the preseason of Huff’s Saberhagenish on/off years.  In fact, I’ll quote it for you cause that’s how I roll, “A big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009.  If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league.  That’s just me being real wit’ you.  You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is.  Or who I’m still cool wit’.”  And that’s me quoting me and paraphrasing Dr. Dre!  Can we get Detox already?  I need a doctor.

Bobby Abreu – Getting some spring cleaning done here.  I think Abreu’s done cause he looks cooked.

Wade Davis – I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’m wondering in the dark recesses of my medulla oblongata if you can sell Davis for more ducats than he’s worth.  Obviously, I’m talking deep leagues here since he’s not even owned in all leagues.  He is pitching far above his head ratio-wise.  His K-rate is atrocious (4+) and he’s getting lucky with balls hit into play.  In AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t sell him for a white chocolate dipped fortune cookie, but I’d explore offers.

Maybe the fuel you need to burn the desire deep in your belly to be a better ballplayer comes from a fresh start. Maybe you need people to tell you you can’t do something before you can do something. Maybe this is how Morgan Freeman really talks and not just in voiceovers. Nyjer Morgan is going to get that fresh start in the city by the bay.  (Green Bay, but whatever.) This throws a bit of a quagmire into the centerfield situation.  If I am indeed using the word ‘quagmire’ correctly.  Roenicke said it’s CarGo Lite’s job to lose.  I think Melvin is lying to us or himself.  Gomez is bad at — hmm, how do I put it?  — baseball.  I think the ABs break down to Morgan getting 350 and CarGo Lite getting 200.  If I had to bet on one, I’d bet on Nyjer.  This doesn’t mean I think he’s terrific either.  He was caught stealing 17 times last year.  That’s A to the Trocious.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Roger Bernadina – He’s not at mixed league value yet, but, with the clearing of Morgan, Bernadina now only has to beat Ankiel.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Ankiel’s not good.  I could see Bernadina being one of those guys that goes from not being on anyone’s team to being on everyone’s team by the end of the year.

Mat Latos – Scratched on Saturday due to a sore shoulder, but may not go to the DL.  So far in the Spring Training-thingie-ma-whosie-thing that is going on, Latos has given up 10 earned in 10 innings.  I was not out on a limb when I said you should not draft him in any league this year.  Lots of people were saying this.  If you decided to not heed the words of Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (Grey Albright, FML), then you probably won’t listen to me now, but you really should try and sell Latos for sixty-five cents on the dollar.  You goofed by drafting him and he’s gonna be dirty, dust balls this year.  At some point in the next two months, you’re gonna have to DL him for 60+ days.  I’m being serious.

Clint Barmes – Out for a month or two with a broken bone in his hand.  Luckily, the Astros have someone who can hit just as well as Barmes with a broken hand, Tommy Manzella.

Tommy Hunter – Will miss over a month with a strained groin.  Looks like we won’t be seeing his O face for a while.  (Speaking of O faces, I hooked up with my first single Mom recently.  All I kept thinking of was Tidwell telling Jerry Maguire not to shoplift the pooty from a single mom.  Okay, that wasn’t all I kept thinking of.  The thing that kept running through my mind was how a child came out of there.  Was like this thing that I had thought of in only one way my whole life suddenly was something else.  Anyhoo!)

Homer Bailey – Will miss two starts on the 15-day DL with a shoulder impingement.  At some point between ranking the top 80 starters and now, I grew sick of Bailey.  Has he ever strung more than three good starts together in his career?  Kinda rhetorical.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 6th homer of the spring.  You heard it here first, Kendrys is getting Pipp’d out!

Brandon McCarthy – Named the 5th starter in Oakland.  As of right now, not really much here outside of AL-Only leagues.  He could scratch above a 6 K/9 and around a 4.25 ERA if things break right.  Or he could get injured again and be out for the season.  I believe McCarthy is just relieved he wasn’t traded to the Reds.

Aaron Heilman – Was named the D-Backs fifth starter.  I picture he’ll have appeal for match-ups.  For what it’s Wuertz, so far in the spring, Heilman’s been getting emulsified.

Eric Young Jr. – Was optioned to the minor league camp.  All my emoticons are at half-mast.  He’ll come back at some point and do what he was born to do, but for now you have to cut bait.

Mike Leake – Will take over one of the rotation spots freed up by Cueto and Bailey’s DL stints.  As mentioned in the top 80 starters, I’m not a fan of Leake.  No Ks, too many walks.  Maybe in a few years, but right now he’s an avoid like The Noid.

Andrew Cashner – Won the 5th starter spot on the Cubs…er…Silva lost it.  Cashner has nice Ks and is worth an NL-Only flyer, but I’d stay away for now in mixed leagues.  He walks too many people.

Matt Young – Only interesting for those in NL-Only leagues, Young made the team and he has 40 steal speed.  Right now, he’s just depth, but he’s worth keeping an eye on in case McLousy returns to form or if there’s an injury.

Joe Nathan – Will start the season as the closer, but this can change at a moment’s notice.  Keep cuffing Capps. (Alliteration in lieu of wit!)

Ryan Doumit – Snyder might have to open the season on the DL, so Doumit could see everyday ABs.  I’d say he could run with the job, but that would likely injure him too.  Maybe he can walk with the job.

Brad Lidge – Will open the season on the DL due to shoulder pain.  Shocker!  Exclamation Point Police, “That’s sarcastic, we get it.  A period would’ve conveyed the same.”  I’d grab Madson and hope he can suppress his Cuddle Boy tendencies.  Contreras, the AARP Man of the Year, could also see save chances.  Charlie Manuel said, “I’ve had more closers than a dog has fleas.  Now watch as I smash my thumb with a hammer so I forget about my toothache.”  BTW, Charlie Manuel’s old timey-isms made their way to the fantasy baseball team name generator.

Donnie Murphy – Looks like the Marlins went an entirely different way than I thought they would.  Bonifacio will be the super futility man and Donnie Murphy, who sounds like a Boston police officer — C’mon, Murph!  We ain’t causing no harm! — will be the 3rd baseman.  He’s useless in all leagues that needs things like hitting and whatnot.

Yunesky Maya – Sent down to Triple-A.  When Riggleman was asked why he chose Gorzelanny and not Maya, he said, “We’re trying to tire the opposing coach when filling out the scorecard.”

Chris Dickerson – Weird move by the Brew Crew to trade Dickerson to the Yankees for Mitre.  Unfortunately, any sneaky sleeper value Dickerson once had goes out the window.  He’s not the type of player the Yankees give any significant playing time to, i.e., he’s a good player with no name recognition.

Bronson Arroyo – Has mono.  Too bad his guitar playing is in stereo.