Fantasy Baseball Advice

We continue our 2010 fantasy baseball rankings with the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball.  2nd base is an odd duck.  Shortstops have speed.  You can find speed in the outfield.  There’s even some legitimate speed at 3rd base.  All of these 2nd basemen must have grown up watching Bret Boone and Jeff Kent because you’re more likely to find power at 2nd base than speed. Sure, there’s Brian Roberts, but he’s 32 years old and only stole 30 bases last year.  I want a 40 steal 2nd baseman.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.  As with the previous ranking lists, tiers and my projections are noted.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball:

1. Chase Utley – In the top 10 for 2010 fantasy baseball post is Utley’s projections.

2. Ian Kinsler – In the top 20 for 2010 fantasy baseball post is Kinsler’s projections.

3. Brandon Phillips – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Cano.  I call this tier, “Locks for certain stats.”  After just missing a 20/20 season in 2006, Phillips has put up one for three straight years.  Without a whole lot of luck, he’s not going to hit 30 homers and 30 steals seems out of his reach, but you’re kicking a 20/20 season out of bed from your 2nd baseman?  Please.  Phillips is a poor man’s Ian Kinsler.  2010 Projections:  80/22/95/.275/22

4. Brian Roberts – I haven’t been a fan of Roberts for the last two years because of his inconsistency.  Were you paying for a 50 steal guy?  A 40 steal guy? A 30 steal guy?  A 18 homer guy?  A 10 homer guy?  Finally, I feel like Roberts has figured out who he is (or I have).  A 12-15 homer guy with 30 steal speed.  There’s value knowing what you’re going to get and getting what you’re going to get… Hmm… That made sense in my head.  2010 Projections:  105/13/75/.285/30

5. Dustin Pedroia – Pedroia feels a lot less overrated this year than going into 2009, so there’s a chance that I might end up with him on a team, but it’s still not likely when I see some people rank him above Roberts and Phillips.  Roberts is 12-15 homers and 30 steals, Phillips is 20-plus homers, 20-plus steals and Pedroia is a 15/15 guy with great Runs.  Personally, I’ll take 20/20 or 15/30 over 15/15 every day of the week and twice on Muesday.  2010 Projections:  110/15/70/.305/15

6. Robinson Cano – Cano could be outproduced by Aaron Hill, but I ranked them in this order because I trust Cano more.  With Cano going to be the magical 27 years old in 2010 when power tends to peak, I hope Cano can pull a high-20s homer season out of his hat.  2010 Projections:  90/27/100/.315/5

7. Aaron Hill – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Zobrist.  I call this tier, “These 2nd basemen are being drafted like they’re locks, but I don’t think they are.”  I ranked Hill lower than most because I don’t believe the 36 homers he hit last year.  Seems like a reach for him to do it again.  There’s a good possibility I write an entire overrated post for Aaron Hill.  As I said in previous rankings posts, I look at other projections.  So, CBS has Aaron Hill down for 103/36/106/.287/8 in 2010.  Since last year he had a line of 103/36/108/.286/6, I’m assuming they think he’s going to be exactly the same minus one extra base hit that drove in two.  Say what you want about ESPN, Yahoo, etc, but CBS is by far the worst fantasy advice.  I think they are so bad they actually get some lenience from people because no one actually takes them seriously.  2010 Projections:  85/24/80/.280/5

8. Ben Zobrist – I know, it’s Zorilla!  How dare I!  Why do I have to hate on guys that have career years?  He’s ranked far below where he should be considering his numbers last year.  His position eligibility does give him value.  Shoot, I’d draft Lyle Overbay if you gave him shortstop eligibility.  Zobrist’s homers don’t seem as fluky as they might appear.  He maintained a 17.5 HR/FB in 2009 and a 17.4 HR/FB in 2008.  Granted, that was a smaller sample size.  So he may look like David Eckstein, but the only thing they have in common is neither is Jewish though their names sound like they are.  Zobrist’s average seems out there; he looks closer to a .270 hitter.  He was a utility man coming into 2009 and I wouldn’t be surprised if he left 2010 back in that role.  2010 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/12

9. Dan Uggla – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to Lopez.  I call this tier, “These guys are okay, but they might give you fits of boredom.”  Uggla hasn’t had a full month of at-bats over a .300 average since May of 2008 when he hit .348.  That pretty much tells you all you need to know.  2010 Projections:  90/32/100/.250/3

10. Jose Lopez – He’s okay on your team.  He’ll work.  But it’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?  2010 Projections:  75/22/90/.275/3

11. Ian Stewart – This is a new tier.  This tier starts and ends here.  I call this tier, “The one guy I’d really like to have at 2nd base.”  I love Stewart this year.  First guy I feel like can completely outproduce his ranking.  If I could’ve ranked Stewart 3rd overall without having to give back my diploma from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston, I would’ve.  Stewart feels like the Mark Reynolds of this year.  (That doesn’t mean a 45/20 line.  It doesn’t mean a guarantee.  Remember Reynolds looked like he was splitting time with Chad Tracy in the preseason last year.  It means a line like I thought Reynolds capable of in the preseason last year, around 30/12.)  Need I say more?  If you said yes, then proceed to the Ian Stewart Sleeper post-a-ma-whosie-whatsies.  2010 Projections:  85/29/100/.260/10

12. Asdrubal Cabrera – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Weeks.  I call this tier, “This is your last chance to even try for something from your 2nd baseman.  With varying degrees of something.”  Asdrubal is a peak of 12 homers and 25 steals, while Barmes hit 23 homers last year with 12 steals.  So why is Asdrubal above Barmes? Good question, random italicized voice.  Barmes’s 23 homers last year looks fluky, while Asdrubal can steal 25 pretty easily.  Barmes’s over/under for homers is 15, while Asdrubal’s over/under for steals is at 20.  2010 Projections:  95/8/65/.300/20

13. Clint Barmes -  See Asdrubal Cabrera or 1/10th of an inch above.  2010 Projections:  65/15/75/.255/12

14. Rickie Weeks – He’s a lock for 20/20 but he needs 150 games.  That “but” is J. Lo-sized.  2010 Projections:  75/17/55/.255/15 in 120 games.

15. Howie Kendrick – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Lopez.  I call this tier, “People will draft these guys, but I’m passing.” Frankly, I wouldn’t draft Kendrick with your team.  The upside isn’t interesting enough to me to warrant the gamble.  For instance, the best case scenario has him giving a Pedroia-type year.  Eh, it’s okay, but you’d be surprised how bored you get with a guy who’s offering 12/12.  2010 Projections:  85/12/70/.310/12

16. Casey McGehee – McGehee screams of a guy that is drafted and ends up on waivers by June.  His minor league numbers are utility man-ish.  He’s a cold month away from yielding to Mat Gamel, who is legit minus his glove.  And McGehee has no speed whatsoever.  He’s definitely more interesting at 2nd base than 3rd, but I’m passing.  2010 Projections:  55/17/65/.280

17. Placido Polanco – Don’t overestimate Crapolanco’s move to Philly.  He’s the definition of yawnstipating.  Literally.  2010 Projections:  100/10/70/.300/10

18. Felipe Lopez – The FeLopezian might be capable of 20/20, but it’s more likely going to be 10/10.  2010 Projections:  85/10/60/.285/10

19. Scott Sizemore – This is the last tier.  This tier goes from here to the end.  I call this tier, “Upside, snitches.”  As I’ve been saying for as long as I can remember.  If you’re late in the draft and you need a MI, take a flier on upside.  You’re probably going to drop one of these guys to waivers anyway, so you may as well take a shot on someone that can outproduce their oudraft spot.  I could’ve put Freddy Sanchez, Callaspo or Getz here (in that order), but what fun are those schmohawks?  re: Sizemore; been here, talked about this: Scott Sizemore fantasy post.  2010 Projections:  80/14/70/.275/16

20. Eric Young Jr. – Young can steal 40 bases in 2010.  Just give him the job.  Please.  Oh, and if he gets the job, it’ll play havoc on Barmes’s projections or Fowler’s or CarGo’s…  There’s only so much upside for one team.  2010 Projections:  65/1/40/.290/30

There’s a lot of names after the top 20 2nd basemen for 2010 fantasy baseball, but these two stand out:

Kelly Johnson – Already went over my excitement for  Kelly Johnson on the Diamondbacks. I ranked him this far down because I wanted to highlight him.  If I didn’t want to highlight him, I would’ve ranked him above Kendrick, but who reads the middle of these godforsaken posts?  Not me!  2010 Projections:  85/15/65/.270/10

Sean Rodriguez – Iwamura was sent to the 247th largest baseball market, Pittsburgh (which ranked just ahead of Nairobi).  Now Sean Rodriguez has a chance to see playing time.  Zobrist should start at 2nd base, but he can play everywhere, so Rodriguez could work into the mix.  Outside of deep leagues, you’re going to want to make sure Rodriguez has playing time before getting crazy with yourself and drafting him, but if he does have an every day job… 2010 Projections:  65/20/75/.250/5 in 400 ABs.

The comments were shut off on the Position Eligibility for 2010 Fantasy Baseball post because that post was just listing players and their eligibility for 2010 fantasy baseball.  Now, in this here post, we get down to business.  Or bidness, if you mispronounce business.  That business is pointing out players that gain some advantage by having more eligibility than they know what to do with.  Are you going to finish the rest of that 3rd base eligibility? Multiple position eligibility is a funny thing.  Just when you think someone has no value, they unbutton the top button on their shirt and a heaving bosom of multiple position eligibility comes pouring out.  It’s the “butterface” of fantasy players.  Thanks for dinner, Ian Stewart, but I have a headache… *reveals 2nd base eligibility*  Well, you don’t have to go home just yet.  If I left someone off of this post from the position eligibility for 2010 fantasy baseball post it’s because I didn’t see any added boost in their value from having extra eligibility.  Or maybe I forgot them.  I’m half-idiot, sometimes.  Anyway, here’s some players who see a boost in their 2010 fantasy baseball value because of their multiple position eligibility:

Victor Martinez – You want him at catcher, but the added eligibility is nice if you lose a 1st baseman to an injury and need to slot in V-Mart.  Krishna knows it’s easier to find a random schmohawk catcher off waivers than a 1st baseman.

Jorge Cantu – Without the 3rd base eligibility, he wouldn’t even be drafted in most leagues.  With the eligibility, you still want to avoid him.  For those keeping score, that’s damned if you do, and damned if you do.

Chris Davis – When you’re looking to draft a player that is capable of striking out 300 times, you probably want them at a corner infidel spot, so the additional 3rd base eligibility doesn’t add much.  If you don’t play with corner infielders, you want Davis at 3rd, but with only 11 games there you may be S.O.L. in some leagues. (Damn you, ESPN.)

Ryan Garko – From the files of “Yeah, No Kidding,” he’s a whole lot more appealing as a 5th outfielder than a 1st baseman.  And even in the outfield, it’s really only in deep leagues.

Bobby Crosby – Psyche!  He has no added value anywhere, but seeing him on the position eligibility list made me realize something.  He played 54 games at 1st base and 42 at 3rd base.  Billy Beane might be like the Orson Wells of baseball GMs.  The Moneyball years is to Citizen Kane as Bobby Crosby playing 1st and 3rd base is to Orson Welles shilling for cheap wine.

Clint Barmes – 2nd base eligibility is nice, but, as the Yankee Doodles used to say, shortstop eligibility is macaroni.

Alberto Callaspo – With MI and CI eligibility, he has the coveted superfecta of eligibility.  Though, I wouldn’t say Callaspo is necessarily coveted.  Funny how that worked.

Jose Lopez – You want him at 2nd base or MI.

Ben Zobrist – Zobrist’s risk of not repeating is definitely counterbalanced by the nice eligibility.  He played 91 games at 2nd base, 70 games at outfield and 13 games at shortstop.  Hmm… No wonder he hit 27 homers and stole 17 bases, he played in 174 games.

Emilio Bonifacio – I wouldn’t own him outside of NL-Only leagues, but he does have the Pick 3 of eligibility.

Mark DeRosa – Slot him in at the corner infielder spot, grow bored and put him in your fifth outfielder spot.  Lose interest and drop him.  You know what I’m saying, you’ve been there before.

Casey McGehee – You know you’re more likely to take a chance on him at 2nd base or MI than 3rd base.  Yes, I know you better than you know yourself.

Mark Reynolds – You think you’ll be fine with him as your 1st baseman, but, by the end of 2010, you’re going to want him as your 3rd baseman.

Jhonny Peralta – He gained 3rd base eligibility this year to go along with shortstop…. yay!  He hit 11 homers in 582 at-bats.  Moving on…

Ian Stewart – I’m excited about Ian Stewart for 2010 fantasy baseball.  Looks like Mark Reynolds going into 2009.  Oh, and he’s eligible at 2nd base.

Juan Uribe – Won’t find him on a Grey Albright team out of a draft, but in single league, uh, leagues he has solid eligibility.

Michael Cuddyer – Corner infield and outfield eligibility is nice, but I’ll bet you $5 he’s the first guy you want to drop.

Adam Dunn – Probably will end up in your outfield, but the flexibility of putting Dunn in at corner is nice.  And that is the only time a sentence will ever contain flexibility and Dunn.

Nick Swisher – See Adam Dunn or 1/12th of an inch above.

Garrett Jones – Robot Jones is in the same boat as Casey McGehee.  The added eligibility makes the gamble easier to take.

Chase Headley – Maybe it’s the three whiskey sours talking, but I’m sorta excited about Headley at third base this year.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Shortstop eligibility is a nice added bonus, so we’ll excuse him for fielding his position in the shape of a swastika.

Top twenty catchers, 1st basemen and 2nd basemen are in the books.  Third basemen will be here shortly.  Today, it’s the top 20 Shortstops for 2009 Fantasy Baseball’s time to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re dull with a chance of boring.  As I said in the beginning of the year, the shortstops are even shallower than the 2nd basemen.  This held true.  A good two weeks in the major leagues and you too can make the top twenty list for shortstops!  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Hanley Ramirez – I was hoping for a 35/35 season from Hanley, so I was a bit disappointed by a 24/27 season.  Obviously, not nearly as disappointed as I was in Jose Reyes.  (First bitter Jose Reyes mention.)  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  125/37/80/.295/35, Final Numbers:  101/24/106/.342/27

2. Derek Jeter – As many of you know, I interviewed Matthew Berry in March.  He called shenanigans.  Why I bring this up now?  Because here’s why he got mad.  His words from Deadspin.com, “So, I was just surprised by some of what he said. Especially the part about me defending Jeter! I’ve had Jeter on every fantasy “hate” list I can remember… That was a low blow, saying I liked Jeter.”  Turned out, Jeter went on to be the 3rd ranked hitter in all of the AL according to the ESPN Player Rater.  Cust kayin’.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  110/12/70/.305/12, Final Numbers:  107/18/66/.334/30

3. Troy Tulowitzki – I predicted a comeback in the preseason when I said, “Let’s put Tulo’s 2008 season into a strait jacket and then submerge it into Houdini’s Milk Can.”  Then I predicted a comeback from his poor early season struggles.  Without a poor April and May, he’d be the top ranked shortstop.  Yeah, he was that good in 2009.  I wish I believed in all of the steals he racked up this year, but his total is about three times the most he’s ever recorded in any season of professional ball.  Still, he’s good, and can get a bit better on the power side.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  65/20/85/.285/5, Final Numbers:  101/32/92/.297/20

4. Jason Bartlett – I didn’t believe the high average in May and I still don’t (he hit around .230 in September).  I’m pretty sure when February Grey gets around to going through guys that will disappoint in 2010, Bartlett’s name will be there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  90/14/66/.320/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Michael Young – In the preseason, he looked like he was headed for the Chariot of Empty Averages.  Turned out he still had some pop in his bat.  (Not pop meaning soda for those reading in Minnesota.)  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  100/10/85/.310/10, Final Numbers:  76/22/68/.322/8

7. Jimmy Rollins – I predicted his steals would come down and they may fall a bit more next year, too.  What should stop falling is his average.  He had some bad luck this year.  Might need one on those waving porcelain cats that are in sushi restaurants.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  115/16/75/.280/40, Final Numbers:  100/21/77/.250/31

8. Miguel Tejada – Wait a second, forget Jose Reyes, where is Stephen Drew?  Tejada did pretty much what I thought he would, except for a higher average.  Expect Jim Bunning to ask Congress to withdraw Tejada’s high average because of an unrealistic BABIP.  Preseason Rank #11, 2009 Projections:  90/15/75/.285/7, Final Numbers:  83/14/86/.313/5

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Preseason Rank #19, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Yunel Escobar – Why can’t Yunel just steal 10 bases? Adam Dunn can steal 10 bases.  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases.  Shoot, McCann nearly stole as many as Yunel in 2009.  At least do it for your fantasy baseball owners.  (Isn’t it weird how some players sound better when you call them by their first name and some better by their last name?  I would never call McCann by Brian or Yunel by Escobar.  BTW II, doesn’t Yunel by Escobar sound like a douchebag clothing designer?  Ed Hardy? Pfft!  I’m wearing Yunel by Escobar.)  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/13/65/.300/3, Final Numbers:  89/14/76/.299/5

11. Marco Scutaro – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

12. Orlando Cabrera – O-Cab < Taxi Cab Confessions < Cash Cab.  Yes, this top 20 is so shallow that one good month would get you on the list.  Preseason Rank #12, 2009 Projections:  90/7/65/.280/20, Final Numbers:  83/9/77/.284/13

13. Ryan Theriot – In May, I traded Theriot and Adam Dunn for Joe Reyes.  Have I mentioned how much I hate Reyes?  I’d take 20+ steals from my futility infielder over Yunel’s brand of yawnstipating stats.  Preseason Rank #16, 2009 Projections:  90/2/40/.295/25, Final Numbers:  81/7/54/.284/21

14. Erick Aybar – Really scary how unreliable some of the guys in this top 20 were for extended periods of time.  This is why I play fast and furious with my MIs.  Aybar’s hot?  Play him!  Yunel on a streak?  Play him!  Beckham?  What the hey!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  70/5/58/.312/14

15. Alexei Ramirez – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post. Preseason Rank #4, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

16. Elvis Andrus – 30+ steals, nice.  Do I hear 40+?  Maybe next year I do.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections: 55/3/35/.250/20, Final Numbers:  72/6/40/.267/33

17. Maicer Izturis – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

18. Clint Barmes – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.  Preseason Rank #20, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

19. Rafael Furcal – He actually came pretty close to the numbers I predicted for him if he only played one month.  Wow, what happened to this schmohawk?  Mark Reynolds stole a dozen bases more than Furcal.  To quote DeNiro in Goodfellas, what’s the world coming to?  Preseason Rank #9, 2009 Projections:  95/15/65/.285/35 or 25/6/40/.390/7, Final Numbers:  92/9/47/.269/12

20. Gordon Beckham – If he had a full season of Runs and RBIs, he would’ve been a top ten shortstop.  Note to Grey:  Write a lot about him leading up to 2010.  Follow up note, you already did.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  58/14/63/.270/7

We already went over the top 20 catchers for 2009 and the top 20 1st first basemen for 2009.  Today, it’s all about the top 20 2nd basemen.  The 2nd basemen pool is shallow (not as kiddie-sized as the shortstops, but we’ll get to them in the next post).  Because of this shallowivity (Made Up Word Of The Day!), the 2nd basemen rankings can be split up into two tiers.  The guys you want and the tomato-tomahto guys.  The Guys You Want’s names kinda give them away.  The Tomato-Tomahto Guys are a whole group of 2nd basemen that are so close to each other in rank, it really didn’t matter which one of them you owned.  At one time or another during the season, you probably dropped one of the Tomato-Tomahtos for a different Tomato-Tomahto.  Everyone probably has one Tomato-Tomahto guy that they hated during the season.  I have a few.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Chase Utley – He was my choice for NL MVP in the preseason.  He’s going to be my 2010 NL MVP preseason selection.  Probably will be my 2011 preseason NL MVP choice and maybe my pick in 2012.  Then, one day when Pujols is not only hurt, but plays hurt, Utley will win it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  105/29/105/.295/10, Final Numbers: 112/31/93/.282/23

2. Aaron Hill – Let’s get it out of the way upfront, there was some surprises in the 2nd basemen rankings.  We (or you) can sit there and say to yourself, “Gadzooks, Grey did a terrible job of ranking the 2nd basemen.”  First, who says gadzooks?  Are you in a comic strip?  Second, no one ranked Aaron Hill, Ben Zobrist, Marco Scutaro, Adam Kennedy et al anywhere near the top fifteen coming into the season.  There’s the top guys and there’s the bottom guys at MI.  This is why I usually punt the middle and avoid middle infielders between rounds 7 and 15.  Either get a top one, or ignore and take a flier later.  More will be said on this in the offseason.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  103/36/108/.286/6

3. Robinson Cano -  Someone has a terrific season the previous year (Pedroia, Hamilton) and I pulled back for 2009.  A player craps the bed in the previous season (Robinson Cano) and I got excited about them for 2009.  This is the story of my life with women too.  Kick me in the nads and I’ll buy you steel-tipped boots.  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  80/18/85/.310/3, Final Numbers:  103/25/85/.320/5

4. Brian Roberts – My predicted numbers weren’t that far off from where he ended up.  Didn’t like him in April of 2008, didn’t like him in April of 2009, I think I might like him a bit more in 2010 because he’s finally become predictable.  Predictable is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  105/10/50/.285/30, Final Numbers:  110/16/79/.283/30

5. Ben Zobrist – Almost surprising as his season is his Christian faith (come on, his name is screaming for a mohel).  Everyone knows the good, so let’s look at the glass half empty.  17/52 and 11 steals with a .297 average in the 1st half.  In the 2nd half, 10/39 in 9 more at-bats.  Not terrible, just not as good.  His eligibility definitely helped offset the regression.   Nevertheless, it was there.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  91/27/91/.297/17

6. Ian Kinsler – It’s great to finally see what he’s capable of over an entire season.  He’s a liability on average, plus speed and nearly as solid as Utley elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  110/23/80/.280/25, Final Numbers:  101/31/86/.253/31

7. Dustin Pedroia – This was the season I was worried about when I advised people (that’s you!) to stay away from Pedrioa.  Was 2009 a terrible season?  No, I never thought for one second he’d be terrible.  I just didn’t buy into him as a 2nd round pick and a repeat of his MVP season.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  110/15/75/.310/15, Final Numbers:  115/15/72/.296/20

8. Brandon Phillips – For some reason, no one seems to trust Phillips.  20/20 for three seasons straight and he gets no respect.  Whatevs, I’ll keep owning him since no one else wants to.  Preseason Rank #3, 2009 Projections:  90/25/80/.270/25, Final Numbers:  78/20/98/.276/20

9. Asdrubal Cabrera – With a swift kick to the nuts, the tomato-tomahto portion of the program begins.  It didn’t really matter which of these guys you owned, they were all productive at some points during the season and yawnstipating at other times.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  90/12/60/.275/10, Final Numbers:  81/6/68/.308/17

10. Marco Scutaro – If you would’ve told me in February there would be two Blue Jay 2nd basemen in the top 10, I would’ve punched you in the mouth.  MAR…co… SCUT…aro… had a decent season for a guy that probably wasn’t even owned in your league for a third of the season and returned from Asia with pasta.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  100/12/60/.282/14

11. Adam Kennedy – Gene Rayburn, “2nd base is so shallow…”  You, “How shallow is it?”  Kennedy had only a good May and September and he’s ranked 11th overall.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  65/11/63/.289/20

12. Felipe Lopez -  You would think a guy whose ADP was 213 and who is ranked this high would have been a huge success.  You’d be dead wrong.  So many times I wanted to cut the Fe-Lopezian tubes, then he’d go and have a 1-for-3 game with 1 Run and I’d hold him.  Ugh, he had one of the more frustrating seasons.  How does he only steal 6 bases all year?!  Ryan Howard stole 8 bases!  Preseason Unranked, but he did make the Cheap Alternatives post, Final Numbers:  88/9/57/.310/6

13. Jose Lopez – I usually go with speed at MI, but, if you needed power there, J. Lo turned in a perfectly respectable season.  I would’ve taken his season over F. Lo any day of the week and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2009 Projections:  80/15/85/.280/5, Final Numbers:  69/25/96/.272/3

14. Alexei Ramirez – When you’re ranked within sneezing distance of Luis Castillo, I hope you get Swine Flu.  Ramirez had one good month (May, 7 homers, 2 steals while batting .283) and 4 yawnstipating months.  How does he only steal 4 bases from June 19th on?  I think I’ve found my first candidate of the offseason that I won’t be drafting on any teams in 2010.  No matter what stories come out of spring training. Alexei has never seen the ball this well before! Alexei gained 120 of muscle mass! Alexei can go to hell.  Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  95/22/90/.285/15, Final Numbers:  71/15/68/.277/14

15. Maicer Izturis – Maicer, what goes on?  Maicer…  It’s funny all the people ending the season at exactly .300 or just over it.  Don’t make me get Vin Scully to recount the story of how Ted Williams started both sides of a doubleheader while sitting on .400 for the season.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  74/8/65/.300/13

16. Alberto Callaspo – I liked him in the preseason, but even with that like, I couldn’t generate the enthusiasm to draft him anywhere.  Let’s face it, his mother barely gets excited about his hitting.  Was also mentioned in that Cheap Alternatives thingamapost, Final Numbers:  79/11/73/.300/2

17. Luis Castillo – Please don’t make me say anything about Castillo.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  77/1/40/.302/20

18. Placido Polanco – Placido Polanco is Yoda to Callaspo’s Luke.  Can we just call these guys Polancallaspo?  Preseason Rank #14, 2009 Projections:  90/7/55/.310/7, Final Numbers:  82/10/72/.285/7

19. Dan Uggla – Even with how awful this list is, Aramis Ramirez, with 2nd base eligibility, would not have made this list.  Yes, 2nd base was deeper than 3rd base.  Bring back steroids!  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  85/30/100/.255/5, Final Numbers:  84/31/90/.243/2

20. Clint Barmes – This is one of my big problems with the ESPN Player Rater (this is where these rankings come from; makes it less subjective).  I’d rank Barmes as the last guy you’d want and above all the tomato-tomahtos.  I don’t really mind the average, but his homers and steals were valuable.  This is how I ended up with Mark Reynolds on all my teams in 2009 and how I will probably have Barmes on some 2010 teams.  (This is not official yet, we’re still recapping.  Barmes needs an everyday job.)  Was ranked 20th as a Shortstop, 2009 Projections:  75/12/55/.270/12, Final Numbers:  69/23/76/.245/12

Welcome to the year end Razzball Awards!  Unlike the ESPYs, you won’t have to wear a tux or listen to Derek Jeter try to be funny.  Speaking of Viagra — Vlad’s got one good leg and he’s not wearing a shoe on it. Nope, for these awards, all you need to do is read.  How novel!  Anyway, here’s The 2009 Razzball Year End Awards:

Fantasy AL Most Valuable Player – There’s two hitters from the AL in the top ten on the ESPN Player Rater.  Crawford at 4 and Ellsbury at 6.  The next AL hitter is Derek Jeter.  Can we punt the AL hitters award this year?  Wait, I know!  Let’s give it to a pitcher!  Zack Greinke, you’re the Razzball AL Fantasy MVP, how does it feel?  “If I don’t find out who the mother is on How I Met Your Mother by next spring training, I’m going to lose my shizz.”  Thanks for coming, Zack!  You’re the belle of the Razzballies!

Fantasy NL Most Valuable Player – If a no-brainer is my specialty, this one’s easy.  Albert Pujols.

Fantasy AL Cy Young – If Kansas City were a major market, we’d be getting an ESPN movie of the week this winter about Zack Greinke starring Macaulay Culkin.

Fantasy NL Cy Young – Tim Lincecum, but this is pretty close with Javier Vazquez, Dan Haren, Wainwright and Carpenter.  Crazy that those last four guys could’ve been had in any league.  That would’ve made for a nice team if you had all four.  Well, Lincecum gets the nod because he’s 145 lbs.  Those things matter for the Razzballies.

Fantasy AL Least Valuable Player – Grady Sizemore really wanted this award.  He even sat out September in his bid to suck.  But Josh Hamilton started sucking in April.  That’s a tough act to follow, mostly because of the stench.

Fantasy NL Least Valuable Player – The winner is Jose Reyes.  Unfortunately, he couldn’t make it to the awards ceremony because he’s getting in “game shape.”

Special Lifetime Achievement Award That Is Only A Reflection Of This Season And Not Of A Lifetime – Mark Reynolds, because he needed his own award.  Thank you, Mini Donkey.  You made everyone else look like Mini Jackasses.

Fantasy Hitter You Most Likely Dropped and Picked Up A Dozen Times – And the Razzballie goes to Clint Barmes.  He’s starting, but not hitting, I’m dropping him.  He’s starting and hitting, I’m picking him up.  He’s hitting but not playing, I’m dropping him.  He’s hitting and playing… Do I drop him or pick him up?   Forget it, I’m dropping him.  Wait, he’s not even on my team.  Ugh!

Player You Had Forever and Most Wanted to Drop – Felipe Lopez.  Every time I came close to cutting the Fe-Lopezian tubes, he went 1-for-3 with a Run.  If I see one more 1-for-3 with a Run, I’m going to vomit.

Player On The Top Of Your Waivers That You Just Couldn’t Bring Yourself to Pick Up – Michael Cuddyer.  Cuddyer’s boring!  I’ll stick with the rotating Bowden Fluffer turnstile of Delmon Young, Milledge, Dukes and Cameron Maybin.

Pitcher You Streamed So Much You Ended Up Owning Him – Bronson Arroyo.  Now don’t get any pine tar on your award!   A close runner-up was Joe Blanton.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From, But Thankfully It Never Did – Matt Cain.  If regressing to the norm is a 3.50 2nd half ERA, I’ll take it any day of the week and twice on Muesday.

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and It Ended Up Kicking You in the Groin – Johnny Cueto.  Regressing doesn’t have to mean a flippin’ 8 ERA!

Player You Were Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop From and When It Did You Were Okay With It – Ben Zobrist.  Sure, his 2nd half wasn’t as good as his 1st half, but you weren’t actually embarrassed to own Ben Zobrist.  Tell me you saw that coming in February and I have a column for you to write called, “I’m a lying sack of shizz.”

Player You Traded Away That You Most Regretted – Grey seems like a good guy, but there’s no way Mark Reynolds is going to keep this up.

Player You Traded For That You Most Regretted – I just traded a poor-April Verlander and Mark Reynolds for David Wright!  I’m so money and you snitches are so green!

Best Roofie Pitcher – Three way tie with J.A. Happ, Randy Wells and Brett Anderson.

Best Jockular Sphincteritis – Adrian Beltre with his cracked nuts.

Top Cuddle Boy – Ryan Madson.  Our closer is terrible, yet we can’t reliably turn to our set-up man.

Top SAGNOF – Michael Bourn/Andrew Bailey (tie)

Player Who “Pulled A Kotchman“ – Carlos Beltran.  How long can someone nurse an injury that’s “not that serious?”

Remember That Feeling You Had When You Walked In On Your Parents Having Sex, This Pitcher Gave You That Feeling Every Fifth Day – Francisco Liriano