Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Indians said this, “We don’t expect Grady Sizemore to play 150 to 160 games like he has in the past.”  At the start of the 2012 season it will be four years the last time he played that many games, so I’m glad they’re being realistic.  They should’ve also said, “We don’t expect him to steal 20 bases.  Hit 20 homers.  Hit for much of an average unless you consider .250 much.  Here’s hoping he takes some more nude pictures of himself and we get Grady’s Ladies buying season tickets again.  Now I’m going back to my game of Words With Friends with Asdrubal.”  If you want to assume Grady’s going to be fully healthy in 2012, something I would not assume, then you should get a line near 80/18/75/.250/5.  Oh my dear deity of your choice, Sizemore has become Torii Hunter with a poor average.  I’d avoid unless he falls very late or goes for cheap.  Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Psych!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell you about this exciting offer our fantasy basketball side of things has going on.  They’re doing commenter leagues and they’re free!  So if you like your athletes seven-plus feet taller than Dustin Pedroia, you go there.  Anyway II, here’s some offseason moves so far:

Ryan Doumit – Heads to Twins.  Recently overheard in the Twins front office, “Morneau and Mauer are sick of having only each other to talk to while on the Disabled List.  We need some injury-prone player to sit between them.”  Doumit fills that slot.  He can also play 1st base, catcher and, for once it doesn’t matter that his last name is German for “Without a Mitt,” as he can see time at DH.  If Doumit can stay healthy, he could be a top ten catcher.  That “if” has its own branch of government that just passed a law that says Doumit can never stay healthy.

Joe Nathan – Signed a two-year deal with the Rangers to be their closer.  For real baseball, I think this is a terrible deal for the Rangers.  Nathan’s 37 years old and, while his K-rate wasn’t bad, he never looked lights-out, except for a stretch through July.  Now you’re throwing him in the heat of Arlington where home runs fly.  Last year his home ERA was 3.04 and his away ERA was 7.50.  I think the Rangers are going to regret this decision.  This is me telling the Rangers that.  For fantasy, his name will make him cost a bit more than I’d want to spend on a closer.  He probably will drift between a Donkeycorn and Brain Freeze for the better part of the year.

Neftali Feliz – Gets his wish, and will finally start for the Rangers.  He’ll begin to transition into a closer that throws six innings a game in the Dominican Winter League, which will give him a leg up on tiring out around August.  His K-rate last year was a huge shambles or Suge Hambles if you roll with rap impresarios who are into spoonerisms.  I’m not sure how a closer could even have a K-rate of 7.80 with Feliz’s stuff.  I’m not just saying that to sound stupid, though it probably doesn’t hurt.  His fastball, curve and change were all the same velocity as previous years.  He added in a slider, but adding that shouldn’t have killed his shizz.  Hitters were just making good contact, or, at least, better contact and not getting as fooled.  His walks also went through the roof.  I mean, 30 walks and 54 Ks in 62 1/3 innings is terrible.  Who are you, Kevin Gregg?  But as we know from Dempster and C.J. Wilson’s transition to being a starter, Feliz is probably going to have the best year of his young career.  I’ll be on the outside looking in though, feels like too much risk to me.  Could see him giving a line of 10-6/3.55/1.20/95 in 120 innings.

Wade LeBlanc – Traded to the Marlins for John Baker.  According to Elias Sports Bureau, John Baker and Wade LeBlanc were the first two players ever traded that also sound like they were in the Backstreet Boys.  Yeah, they didn’t say that.  Like when his friends left Central Perk, LeBlanc just lost all of his value.

Jonathan Broxton – Signed on with the Royals to be their set-up man.  I have the perfect nickname for him now that he’s in Kansas City, the Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.  Oh, please, like you’ve never noticed how Broxton has the back porch of a rap video hoochie mama.  This signing sends Aaron Crow into the rotation.  The good news is you’re not the Royals and don’t have to put Aaron Crow in your fantasy rotation.  Yay, small miracles.

Chris Iannetta – Headed to the Angels.  I guess Scioscia felt like he needed to upgrade Jeff Mathis’s backup.  I’m only half joking.  The Angels are supposed to non-tender Mathis, but I wouldn’t put anything past the Sciosciapath.  Also, Hank Conger’s in the wings, i.e., Iannetta won’t get 350 ABs.  Though he never has.

Ramon Hernandez – Going to the Rockies to replace the recently damned Iannetta.  Hernandez will do exactly what he’s done for the last five years.  For those who need a sneaky, solid catcher in 2 catcher leagues, you can do worse.  (Better too, but let’s not quibble.)

Clint Barmes – Signed with the Pirates.  I have nothing to say about this, except Barmes’s deal for $10.5 million was the Pirates first contract for over $10 million since Steve Buechele’s in the 1991-1992 offseason.  The Pirates are committed to winning now!  Black and yellow!

David DeJesus – Will bring his special brand of pretty unexciting baseball from a fantasy perspective to the Chicago Cubs.  He’ll play right field, unless the Cubs can move Alfonso Soriano for five cents on the dollar.  In related news, Alfonso Soriano wants to know who listed him on eBay.  The eBay username is WonEpstein and there’s no reserve price.

Despite Ronnie’s warnings, I fell in love with the Jor-Z, sure.  I still like him a lot.  You can totally Control-Alt-Delete this opening in keeper leagues too.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Jordan Zimmermann is going to be shut down in the next month.  The Nats are saying maybe another 6 or 7 starts.  That’s — how do I say this? — not good.  The inning limit is 160, he’s now at 108 2/3 IP.  If he gets to 158 IP in 7 starts, are they going to send him out for 2 more innings in his 8th start? Why are you bothering me, Random Italicized Voice?  S’s and g’s, G. Next year, they have the House of Strasburg returning and they want to be healthy.  If you have a leaguemate who’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade to trade away J-Z.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Mike Trout – So what’s my take on Trout besides he’s best served cajun?  He’s kind of like the 3rd Upton brother.  He’s the white Upton, or the Less Uptown Upton.  Call him Upton Sinclair.  As Torii Hunter might say, “We lose Bourjos and get Trout.  They should’ve called that movie Anglos In The Outfield.”  He’s fast, i.e., Trout can really swim upstream.  He could be what we always wanted from B.J. Upton with a 25/40 line.  Prospects don’t get much better.  In only 74 games in the minors, he had 9 homers and 28 steals with a .330 average.  Yet, he probably won’t do anything this year.  When Bourjos returns, Trout may not even stick in the majors.  I still say grab him in every league for the outside possibility of upside.

Cory Luebke – As I profossilized (Made Up Word Of The Day!) in the preseason, I really should’ve just drafted the entire Padres staff on one team and only started them at home.  2.92 ERA, 1.21 WHIP at home.  I’d be near the top in all of my leagues for ratios.  And I wouldn’t have Liriano.  Win-win.

Jason Vargas – I could’ve put Fister here, and, actually by saying that, I am putting Fister here.  Two Mariners pitchers that will lose 2-1 games for the price of 1.  No decision-no decision.

Phil Hughes – Told you not to draft him in the preseason, don’t exactly love him now, but if he’s on waivers, it’s worth a flyer.  Talk about the old hard sell, or is that a hard buy?

David Hernandez – SAGNOF!

Joe Nathan – Let’s put it this way, Matt Capps just picked up Nathan for his fantasy team.

Zack Cozart – I just went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while getting a tattoo of a unicorn on my back.

Travis Snider – Good source of power, but you can’t take him and his mustache within 500 feet of a schoolyard.  Friend, that is creepy.

Laynce Nix – Two sets of season numbers so far:  30/12/33/.279/2 and 33/6/28/.248/8.  First one is obviously Nix who’s owned in under 20% of ESPN leagues; 2nd one is Jason Bay who’s owned in 90% of leagues.  You make fun of teams for giving names big money contracts, but you’re just as bad.  Yeah, you.

Danny Valencia – Now dancing with Charo on Dancing With The Stars… Danny Valencia!  Hola!  Don’t know why but I always picture Valencia in a sequins shirt.  He’s been on a tear for about three weeks now and beyond that he’s batting .240 right now but he’s a .285 hitter.  So keep it going for Danny Valencia!

Emilio Bonifacio – He usually gets hot for a shorter period of time than a menopausal woman, but he is stealing some bags.  Speaking of bags, at Whole Foods they give you a nickel off any purchase if you bring your own bag, so I plan on bringing 1000 bags and getting fifty dollars worth of food for free.

Mark Ellis – He’s currently hitting, but I think owning Ellis is gonna get old quicker than any of those Charlie Sheen catchphrases.  Member when “Winning” was funny for like a minute?  (Not an Urbandictionary minute which is actually a long time.)

Clint Barmes – This is the kinda waiver wire pickup you make then immediately look again at the waiver wire, find someone else and drop Barmes three minutes later.  That kinda waiver wire pickup should have a name in the glossary.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

SELL

Jose Reyes – M-E-S-S, Mess, Mess, Mess!  I’m so done with the Mets.  They got doctors from the med school that Steve Guttenberg went to in Bad Medicine and they keep selling us a bag of injured goods.  Beltran will be out for the weekend — he missed 15 months!  Wright is day-to-day with a broken back –  he’s never returning!  You think Johan’s ever coming back?  I’m being serious.  They built Metco on a haunted cemetery.  Speaking of which, they’re gonna probably tell us Jason Bay actually died last year and they never reported it.  Jose Reyes will probably miss all of July and a part of August.  If you can find someone — read:  sucker — to take Reyes off your hands thinking he’ll be back in a few weeks, go for it.

Nick Markakis – I’m feeling cantankerkis today.  His numbers:  36/7/34/.293/7 look like a healthy Crapolanco.  Whether Markakis is hitting or not, you can probably trade him for a better piece because of his name value then just grab an outfielder off waivers.

Aramis Ramirez – Yeah, he’ll probably hit a home run every game for the rest of the season and make this sell recommendation look silly.  Cause he’s never one to get injured, or go into month long slumps.  No!  Not Aramis.  He’s going to continue to hit like he had Babe Didrikson’s stem cells injected into his buttocks.  You won’t find a guy whose value is higher right now.  I’m not saying to sell him for the babysitting services of Casey Anthony, but I’d explore my options.

Dan Uggla has now homered in two straight games, but, more importantly, he has two other hits in those games, making him hotter than a junebug on a duck’s back or some other yokelism they say in The South.  That’s at least compared to how he looked like Rocky Dennis on all his swings prior to this week.  That’s if Rocky Dennis wore Affliction.  “Yo, yo, yo, whaddup, boss?  Get another round of Flaming Nads for my lady friends!”  That’s Dan Uggla at Senor Frog’s.  (BTW, it looks like the 3rd Giambi brother in the background of that Uggla picture.)  I don’t think Uggla can get his average much higher than .230, but he’s still more than capable of getting to 30 homers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks as he continues to defy his FIP.  BTW, if you were in a fantasy league with Murray Chass, you’d be getting your ass handed to you.  “Hey, Grey, I just traded Alexi Ogando to Murray Chass!”  That’s you two months before you’re throwing darts at a board with my picture.

Joe Mauer – It’s being said that he will start at 1st on Thursday after he sat out yesterday with general soreness.  Does General Soreness report to Major Discomfort?

Francisco Liriano – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First, he strung together a month of such terrible starts, you were forced to bench him… When he threw a no-hitter.  Then you have to put him back in your lineup and he looks awful again.  So you bench him and he turns in another gem.  Then he goes to the DL and returns with a nice start that you bench him for because you weren’t sure if he was healthy.  Finally, you roll him out there and he pitches terrible again.  You bench him and he’s great.  You start him and he’s awful.  You bench him, and he shows up at your house with pictures of him and your mother having sex.  By my rough calculations, I’ve been sonavabenched by him 6 times and have an ERA of over 15.00 for when I’ve started him.  Liriano and I are done, finished, synonym.  I never want to see him on my team again.

Joe Nathan – Gardenhire, which is what I need to cut the ivy on my building, said that Nathan would’ve got the ball in the ninth if there was a save opportunity.  Then he said Capps is still the closer.  I think he just wanted to see some double takes.

Bronson Arroyo – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He said that he woke up Monday with vertigo.  This was almost as bad as when he woke up with The Man Who Knew Too Much.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 19th homer after going to Barbados for the better part of June.  Nice to see you return, Bruce.

Michael Young – Hitting .328 after going 9 for his last 12.  The Rangers DH slot is like the fountain of youth (see Vlad from last year, Sammy Sosa in 2007).  They should adopt Hafner.  Just give him Kevin Mench’s old hat.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4 with his 11th homer as he triggers a dozen “Should I pick up Napoli?” questions.

Jose Reyes – Remained out of the lineup with a bad case of “If I get injured more severely then kiss my big offseason contract goodbye and hello a short contract with the godforsaken Mets.”  He says he’ll return Thursday.

Placido Polanco – Out until at least this weekend with a pinched nerve in his back.  I’m guessing he’s gonna need a 15-day DL stint, but I’m not a doctor though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

John Mayberry – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Aunt Bee would be proud.

Ryan Braun – His MRI showed some inflammation in his calf.  He should return on Friday.  Not sure how Sandy Koufax would feel about him returning on Shabbos, especially if he’s going to be sacrificing a calf.

Casey McGehee – Came in as a pinch-hitter after being benched for the 2nd time in 4 games and hit a 3-run HR.  At least I think it was McGehee, but the Chorizo from the 7th inning stretch race was conspicuously absent from all post-game press conferences.  I said about a week or so ago I think McGehee can turn his season around to a certain extent.  Though that “to a certain extent” is sitting on the fence between yay and meh.

Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his June 4th start, he had a 3.72 ERA and now his ERA is 3.76.  See, he’s consistent!  /sarcasm

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 15th home run to go along with his .217 AVG and .298 OBP.  And 100 strikeouts.  Kelly Johnson, Dan Uggla, and Aaron Hill should create a white-soul group entitled 2B3K.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 14th home run yesterday.  Ready to have your mind blown?  He’s on pace for 25 homers and 14 steals.  Youkilis has 12 homers and 1 steal.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Hit his 1st major league HR.  It’s the first HR by a Lonnie since Lonnie Smith in 1993 and the first HR ever by a Chisenhall.  Suck it, all you other ball-playin’ Chisenhalls!

Jon Jay – Didn’t start, but The Federalist entered the game and homered off CoCo Cordero in the ninth to tie the game.  Jon Jay really banged the gavel on that one.

Anibal Sanchez – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners in his 2nd straight bad start.  Hard to get too scared since those starts were @TEX and against PHI.  Easy to get scared if he added a C or H in front of his first name.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Got the slam & legs and now on pace for a 20 HR/55 SB year.  Just what the Red Sox were expecting when they invested $140 million on him in free agency.  Oh wait, they gave that money to Carl Crawford who is on pace for a 12/18 year.  I’d say Carl owes Jacoby a Sam Adams or two but I can’t see them hanging out.  Maybe if Jacoby was named Lenny or if Crawford was named Meyers.

Guillermo Moscoso – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks against the Mariners.  He’s thrown a 2.25 ERA over his last 40 IP which netted one win thanks to the A’s un-A lineup.  That’s far from so-so, Moscoso!  Rudy cashed in on this as an AL-only flier.  But given his sad K-rate (27 K’s in 50 IP), he’s purely a matchup play in mixed league.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer.  I don’t wanna say too much on his recent hot streak for fear of the stache jinx.  Or stinx, if portmanteaus are your thing.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 with his 16th home run and 10th steal.  But the national spotlight is on Jeter?!

Aramis Ramirez – Another day, another homer.  Did Sosa leave behind one of his rubber ball bats?  Or ball shrinking needles?

Carlos Pena – Hit his 18th homer.  I thought we just came out of one of his 8 homer in 12 game streaks.  My man Pena is hungry!

Chase D’Arnaud – 1-for-3 and a steal.  13 games, 5 steals, 4 errors.  He’s like Mat Gamel after seven Red Bulls.  If it makes you feel better, I grabbed D’Arnaud in one league for steals.

Clint Barmes – This is a super low energy recommendation but he’s 4 for his last 8 with a homer and a steal.

Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 8 baserunners, 2 ER, 2 Ks in his first start back since his dead arm diaspora.  Maybe his arm has gone from dead to just resting.

Johnny Damon – Will miss a few games with a left hand contusion.  Don’t know why he doesn’t just play and throw with his right hand, probably same difference.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-5 with 1 HR and 4 RBIs after going 2 for his last 26.  It’s that type of erratic behavior that led Tony Parker to cheat on him.

Vernon Wells – He said of his recent success swinging the bat, “Being comfortable in the box allows you to think about the most important thing, which is hitting the ball.  When you’re out of sorts mechanically, you’re thinking about that in the box, and all of a sudden the ball is on top of you.”  What type of sex does Vernon Wells have?

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!

A whale of a prospect plus a bad oblique leads to a a closed Beachy.  Enter Julio Teheran.  Well, reenter Julio Teheran.   Teheranasaurus Rex!  First, let’s see what Stephen said about him, “Easily the best story of the 2010 minor league year.  Teheran throws a 92 to 96 MPH fastball, an above-average changeup, and a more consistent breaking pitch.  Teheran is considered a top 5 pitching prospect in the minors, if not top three.  Finally, I hope Grey gets his mustache caught in the gears of a car.”  Hmm… Maybe I should’ve read what he wrote before quoting him.  Anyhoo!  Don’t judge Teheran on his messy first start in the bigs.  He should be grabbed in most competitive leagues.  Should have a 7+ K/9 and a high 3 ERA with a chance for a lot more.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Chris Carpenter – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was handily beat by Wood (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks).  In honor of the Carpenter/Wood matchup, everyone in attendance received a bill for $5000 for a picket fence that wasn’t completed correctly.

Lance Berkman – 5 for his last 28, hitting .179 in May.  Okay, so two of those five were homers, but still without the inflated average from April, you wouldn’t be happy owning him right now.

Fernando Salas – Looks like the spinning bottle stopped on someone new this weekend.  Dave Duncan said Sanchez is no longer the closer, after naming him the closer three days ago.  That’s not a closerousel.  THIS IS A CLOSEROUSEL!  Duncan said Salas would now have the shot at closing games.  So, if you’re reading between the lines, he’s actually saying Salas would be the next person to lose the job of closer.  The Cardinals closer spin cycle is set to wishy-washy.

Ramon Hernandez – Hit three homers in the last two games.  He’s hotter than a habanero’s ass right now.  Whatever that means.

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  As any pitching coach will tell you, you never lead off an inning with a walk.  It comes back to haunt you.  Especially if you walk 3 of the next 4 batters too.  If he were any wilder, they’d change his name to Gene.

Jorge Posada – Yankees said Posada just didn’t want to bat ninth so he pulled himself from Saturday’s game.  Posada’s wife bastardized Reggie by saying that’s the straw that broke his back, or some shizz.  Imagine if Big Stein was around during the age of Twitter.  Steinbrenner tweeting from the grave, “My men told me Phelps!”  As far as fantasy baseball goes, I don’t want Posada on any team.  He’s hitting the interstate, and that interstate is about as pleasant to ride on as the Cross Bronx Expressway to a Yankee game.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, and his 4th home run.  I am Sparkakis!

Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He was featured in Friday’s Buy column.  Go ahead, scroll to that post.  It’ll burn 7 calories.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer since he returned from the DL.  Here’s what I said in the preseason about Hardy, “Hardy could be a nice endgame target in AL-Only leagues.  Though a full season of at-bats is far from a guarantee with Hardy.  Though II, The Return of Though, in a full season of ABs, Hardy’s should be good for 17 to 22 homers.  Though III, The Bride of Though, his average won’t be pretty.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Matt Joyce – 2-for-3, now has 4 homers in the last week.  Looks like someone stole whatever it was Fuld was dwinking.

Coco Crisp – 1-for-3 with a home run and two steals.  Coco Crisp got the slam & legs, which could hurt his  Kellogg’s endorsements.

Josh Collmenter – Another great start on Saturday.  From a guy who had a 5.77 ERA in Triple-A, but good numbers elsewhere in the minors.  I’d take a flyer in certain deeper mixed leagues.  He is not a sub-1 ERA guy, as he’s currently sporting.  He could easily go out and roofie you next time out.

Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3 with his 10th home run yesterday, while he bats .252.  Considering the mess 3rd base is this year, I’d take it.  Oh, and I’m farting in your general direction, Pedro Alvarez.

Chris Davis – 2-for-4 with his 2nd home run of the year, but he hasn’t done much since his call up.  Him and Ian Stewart should put their salaries together and take all of their fantasy owners of the last two years out to dinner.

Brandon League – He’s now at 0-4 with three blown saves and 10 earned runs over his last three innings.  Rocco DiSpirito’s mom called.  She wants her meatballs back.  Wedge said that League would remain the closer for the time being, but that time being not very long by my approximation.  I’d grab Jamey Wright for a potential change in roles.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, now with a 3.05 ERA on the year.  A few weeks ago, we traded Brandon League and Aardsma for Kennedy.  Thank you, come again.

Chipper Jones – Has a tear in his meniscus.  That is Glass Chipper’s favorite cuss word.

Andy Dirks – Called up by the Tigers to replace the DL’d Magglio No-Soul-Glo-io.  AL-Only’ers should take a flyer, for sure.  In mixed leagues, I’d hold for now, though, knowing Leyland, Dirks will probably be hitting in the three hole.  I’m only half kidding.  Dirks has pretty modest power and slightly better speed, but not a burner.  10/15 would be the best case scenario over a full season and that’s not a guarantee at this point.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks in Coors.  I’ll say it for you.  Sonavabench!  This decent-enough start by Latos is coming off a terrible one.  That’s an issue.  You don’t know when to start him.  Another issue, he’s yet to go past six and a third innings in any start.  If Latos only pitches into the sixth, there’s not much chance for wins when the Padres score about as much as you when you were rocking that Member’s Only jacket.  Final issue comes via Men’s Health, Latos is gonna break down.

Jonathon Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run in his last three games.  We dropped Posada and grabbed Lucroy in one league, hoping his average can help fix Posada’s lotta nada (<–alliteration in lieu of wit!).

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks with his owners with a conshellation prize.  Has a 6.60 ERA so far, and nowhere near the dominance one expects from Greinke, but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — I think he’s just rusty and he’s going to find his groove shortly.

Clint Barmes – 1-for-2 with his 1st home run.  I really hope this is the start of something because I actually own this schmohawk in one league.  Though, because of injuries and slumps, that team currently looks like Rocky Dennis.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his first homer.  I should probably own this middle infidel instead of Barmes.  Turner doesn’t have a huge upside (though his backside… Well, he’s stocky).   His best case scenario is 12 homers and 7 steals.  It’s just a’ight, which is obviously short of all right.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Even without looking at his xFIP, I can tell you he’s unlucky to have a 4.85 ERA.  I’d grab him in all leagues and ignore the ERA.

Jose Bautista – 3 home runs, 16 on the year.  You know what?  I was wrong thinking he wasn’t for real.  If he hits 40 homers this year, wouldn’t surprise me at this point.  That really bothers me.  I wish I believed in him.  I wish I owned him all over the place, because not only did he screw me last year, but he’s doing it again.  It gets me legitimately angry, which means I take this either seriously or too seriously.  Fantasy baseball, for those times your friends and family don’t stress you enough.  What’s really screwed up about Bautista’s last two years is it means we’re all just living inside Jose Bautista’s dream world.  Someone spin their top.  Please.