Mauledbypandas (Josh Hamilton’s Fake Stache – Cracking The WHIP) is on top of the world for another week. “The only way that Member’s Only jacket isn’t hanging in my closet come October is if I get bored and move on to fantasy football,” he was heard to exclaim this week. Of course, he’s claiming he was misquoted. “Bl@#p*@g Vin! He’ll write anything to boost readership.” Meanwhile, the Ottoneu Bay Stormtroopers (RCL On PEDs) became the latest challenger, jumping from 9th to 2nd. The Troopers lead the RCL with 37 wins, but they are well ahead of the pace for Games Started. Check out the Master Standings (you can also access them via the Leagues menu up top) to see where your team ranks in comparison to the other 767 teams through Sunday. Tell me your team and league in the comments and I’ll add your Razzball handle to the standings.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Cliff Lee
Last week, Jack Morris said Clay Buchholz was cheating. Not surprising that something doesn’t smell right with the fingers of a guy named Buchholz. Morris is probably mad because Clay’s not pitching to the score. I don’t usually subscribe to rumors, innuendos and urban legend…though a Three Wolf Moon t-shirt will get you laid more. However, it did look like he was cheating vs. the Blue Jays. His balls were dancing more than a Chippendale after an eight ball of coke and five Monster Energy drinks. It looked like Gaylord Perry was his personal spitting fountain. Then yesterday vs. the Twins, Buchholz looked human for the first time all season (6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks). Maybe the Red Sox told him to lay off the Vaseline and if he wants to do something heroic, squirt some ketchup on his ankle between innings. Curt Schilling: The Catsup’d Ankle That Bankrupted The State Of Rhode Island. If Buchholz is filing his balls like Mike Scott and not like an anal retentive dog neuterer, I’d be careful of Clay moving forward. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yahoo’s current top 3 fantasy baseball stat leaders are Justin Upton, Miguel Cabrera, and at number one it’s a man named Clay. Clay Buchholz? Miggy, I can see for sure. Upton? In this leftover Cinco de Mayo hangover haze you might convince me. But Clay Buchholz? Number 1? I’d ask the Razzball stat checker but he’s passed out at his abacus. Buchholz is 6-0 with a 1.01 ERA, a 0.96 WHIP and 47 K’s in 44 innings to start the season. Thursday he was named the AL pitcher of the month. Last Wednesday Buchholz shut down the Blue Jays and sparked a minor Twitter war between the US and our toque wearing neighbors to the north. Some folks in Toronto were calling “shenanigans”. While I do appreciate me some good “shenanigans”, I am really more of a “hoopla” or “ballyhoo” man myself. Shenanigan accuser and former MLB pitcher/writer/broadcaster Dirk Hayhurst tweeted whether Buchholz was getting the outs on his own or if he had the help of something sticky:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Senior year of high school, I cheated on my final exam in religion class. Never got caught. Three others involved in the cheating scandal were each brought to justice — they failed the test, failed the class, and had to retake the course the following semester. Did I feel guilty about my actions? F*#k no I didn’t. I aced the test, and got a B+ in the class. It was the best grade I ever earned in religion. My parents were thrilled! Ever since then I’ve held a sort of admiration for those who cheat and get away with it, and even for some who didn’t get away with it. I respect he who is ballsy enough to cruise down life’s low road, while the rest of the chumps fight traffic on the high road. I’m halfway kidding, of course, but there are moments when the opportunity to cheat presents itself, and you’d be crazy to pass it up. Take, for instance, just a couple weeks ago, when Jeff Samardzija didn’t immediately cease pitching while his throwing hand bled onto the baseball, perhaps doctoring the ball. Well done, Jeff. And as for this Clay Buchholz situation, the evidence against him isn’t quite definitive, and it seems extremely doubtful that any real fallout is to come. More power to the guy if he was indeed doctoring the ball — the umps didn’t notice, and neither did the Blue Jays. He goes twice next week, by the way.
As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.
Please, blog, may I have some more?First off, Rudy is safe. We have him in a padded room with only marshmallows to eat. He’s a bit overcome by the absence of color, but it will be a good distraction while Bryce Harper is touch and go. Before we put Rudy where he wouldn’t hurt himself, Rudy said to me, “If Bryce Harper is hurt, will they cancel the rest of the season?” That’s a frown question, bro. Lie down, Rudy. It’ll be okay. Actually, could you lie down with your head hanging off the couch? You’re gonna leave a Soul Glo stain. I’m sure Rudy isn’t the only one feeling a bit woozy hearing Harper hurt himself last night. The entire eye black industry hangs in the balance. He left yesterday’s game with an apparent injury and that turned into an apparent diagnosis of an apparent bad bruise in his apparent side. Thanks for the apparency. This sounds like a day-to-day thing rather than a 15-day DL thing. So the worst thing that may come of this is for the next few days you won’t get as drunk if you take a tequila shot every time someone on Baseball Tonight mentions Harper. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Going into yesterday’s game, Gio Gonzalez had a 5.85 ERA and in three of four starts he only threw five innings. I saw the fear in your eyes. Nervousness was percolating just below the surface. You were like Mr. Coffee when he was about to lose his virginity. You were expecting some grinds and instead you were just overheating. Steaming so hard you needed a cup to catch the water beneath you. (How long you think I could keep the visual of Mr. Coffee about to lose his virginity going? Three more lines? Do I hear four?) Finally, the heat was too much, the water dripping too fast and everything began to steam. Quickly, you grabbed your little creamer. She usually likes to put the cream in herself, but you’re just gonna splash it all over the place to avoid a mess on your pants. And that’s how coffee became Mr. Coffee. So, today Gio threw an eight-inning, one-hitter with 7 Ks; his only blemish a Votto opposite-field blast. Things looked awry, making dyslexics wary. Luckily, it’s still freakin’ April and you shouldn’t worry so much. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?The Cardinals said Edward Mujica ‘could be tried as closer.’ That’s obviously after everyone else has been tried and found guilty of sucking. Matheny said, “I’d rather kill a possum in front of La Russa, than have a lead in the 9th inning with the crap we have.” Okay, that was me reading between the lines. He actually said, “See what happens next time we get there. Right now, Mujica’s making good pitches and getting the big outs when we need them.” He never referred to Mujica as the closer. Maybe because he was afraid of spooking him. How do you scare the beejesus out of a Cardinals reliever? Call them closer. *rim shot, triangle, kazoo* I don’t think Mujica is the de facto closer, but I don’t know what de facto means. Is that Spanish? Hernando De Facto was the first to cross the Mississippi, right? Yesterday, Boggs came into the 9th inning, but it was a 4-run lead and when he got into trouble the Cards started warming up Mujica. The writing is on the wall, and it says, “Mujica is next.” I’d grab Mujica and continue to hold Boggs (on my bench). It may just turn out that Edward is The Last of the Mujica’s in the Cards’ pen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?I begin with this:
The scene above is from Wednesday’s Mariners v. Astros game, and I realize that the clip has made the rounds by now. Still, I’m compelled to bring it up because it is truly wonderful. From the leaning grab, to the triumphant hoist and subsequent chug, this man wins the week. It always seems like the most brilliant moments happen at crappy games in empty stadiums, and this is no exception. What a hero.
Oh yeah, two-starters… Week three’s look-ahead is below. As always, probable pitchers are subject to change. For a look at all fantasy baseball streamers, click that link.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jered Weaver owners just found another reason to get down on one knee (although shelling out for a ring causes a similar sensation). Weaver will be going to renowned SoCal ‘Doctor of the Skateboarders’ Ollie Ramp. “I usually see these occur when some knucklehead tries to ride a railing and takes a header…or I guess an elbower.” Well, thank God for my Jered Weaver overrated post that helped all of you avoid Weaver in the preseason. Right? *crickets, birds chirping, a little fat kid running through a sprinkler* So, some of you drafted him anyway? Show yourselves for the world to see. You will not be mocked. You will be pointed at derisively. Okay, that’s mocked. The Weaver Drafter, “Everyone was down on Weaver, in the non-sexual way, so he came at such a discount… Besides, you were worried about his decreased velocity, falling K-rate, lucky ERA… You never said anything about him breaking his non-throwing elbow.” Hopefully, kind sir, they have an Excuses For Drafting Weaver category in your league. He’ll be back in 6 weeks. I look forward to others putting him on their DL until then. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?He’ll make you feel good and bad and happy and sad. But mostly just sad. And mad. And glad…you don’t own him. I’m talking, of course, of Jose Valverde. Motown just can’t resist the temptations of signing Papa Grande. Smokey just went over all the fantasy baseball closers. There’s $12 Salads. There’s Donkeycorns. There’s Brain Freezes. There should be another category underneath the Brain Freezes for Valverde: Tossed Salad That Gives You Botulism. He seems like a great idea. Why do you need a side of rigatoni when you’re having lasagna for dinner? It makes sense to get the side salad. Go with the tossed salad. Unfortunately, the tossed salad was prepared in 2007 and is piled in the corner of the kitchen holding the employee’s bathroom door open because Brian lost the key. Once in a while Brian also forgets to stock the bathroom with toilet paper, so the iceberg lettuce doubles its duties, so to speak. That’s Valverde. There’s so many reasons to not pick him up, but let’s stick with the two most important ones: 1) He wasn’t good last year when he had the job. 2) Detroit even replaced him when games really mattered. 3) I said let’s stick with two reasons so why would you even mention 3? I wish I could sit here — and I am sitting, in a Barclay Lounger, a matter of fact — and tell you the signing of Valverde means the Detroit shituation has become crystal clear now. That, now, Valverde will close games. Yeah, he might get shoved into the closer role, but closing games is another issue. He was signed to a minor league contract. He’ll now take anywhere from two to four weeks to get ready, then the Tigers will either call him up or release him. I’d put his chances to get saves within a month at 35%. There’s still Benoit, Coke, Dotel and Al Al’etc who could take the job and run with it in the mean’s while. After seeing Dotel enter the game in the 6th yesterday, there’s no telling what will happen. Someone get close to Leyland’s cigarette pack and check to see if there’s a warning that reads, “Caution: May Cause Smoker To Use The Wrong Man In The 9th Inning.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?
