This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader. I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo. I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward. That stuff just isn’t for me. So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right? So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity. Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed. Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything. Seems like a much ado about nothing to me. Holy tangent, sorry. Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering. Catch you all on the flip, and by flip, I mean next Saturday. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)
ONE START OPTIONS:
5/22
J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood
Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz
5/23
Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza
5/24
Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey
Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook
5/25
Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee
5/26
Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro
Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia
TWO START OPTIONS:
Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps? Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”
Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.
Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm. It will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Signed Skaggs and Bauer.
Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned. This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.
Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction. Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?
Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me. So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.
Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him. Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.
Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game. It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name. Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.
Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals. A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.
R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on. It’s more fun that just saying R and A. No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.
Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually. I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.
Todd Frazier went deep twice yesterday. When asked the other day if Frazier would play, Dusty Baker said, “It could be (Miguel) Cairo. I’ve got an idea what guys’ strengths and weaknesses are… We’ll see. It’s up to Frazier. Okay, who switched out my mint toothpicks with splinters! You know my T-picks kill the skunk breath!” Todd Frazier is a damn fine specimen of underachieving-could-easily-be-achieving-if-he-starts-hitting prospect hitting nom-nom. In the minors last year, he had 15 homers and 17 steals, year before 17/14, year before he helped pen Richard Marx’s foray into romance novels, “Hold Onto The Knights.” What can’t he do!? Not sure if that’s rhetorical, but I’ll answer. I’m not sure he can hit for an average over .240 in the long run. There’s a chance Rolen gets Wally Pipp’d even if he returns healthy and that ‘if’ is the size of Hasselhoff’s ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks. ERA is at 0.00, WHIP is at 0.57. Dusty Baker said yesterday that the plan is for Aroldis to start someday. That reminds me of a sentence I read recently in Scientific American, “Because of natural evolution patterns, it’s conceivable that pigs will fly someday.”
Vance Worley – Placed on the DL. Went from a match-ups pitcher who could get lit to having an inflamed elbow. Call the fire department!
Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 7.77. He looked fine yesterday, but, no kidding, I can’t believe he’s still in the rotation. Like for real, or “Pho Real” if we’re going by the name of my Vietnamese restaurant that I’m minority owner of. Last time I write up a bucket list drunk.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – Bobby Valentine said he’s not close to returning. Red Sox fans exhaled.
Chase Utley – Yesterday, he took grounders. Phillie fans inhaled.
Hiroki Kuroda – 5 IP, 7 ER. Yankee fans burped.
Ivan Nova – Set for a bullpen session tomorrow. Pop the champagne. Super, Nova.
Fernando Rodney – Notched his 12th save and lowered his ERA to 0.48. I’m guessing the Devil wouldn’t make any deals with him while he was on the Angels.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer. Hannah, so far and away the Phils best hitter so far, Hannah. <–Almost palindrome!
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, with a run and an RBI. He’s hitting near .400 over the last week and… nothing. It’s good to see him hitting, but he could steal some bases (23 steals last year in the minors). Somebody put Hot Stuff on his feet.
Alfonso Soriano – Before I even say it, I regret it. I So-rue-iano. Yet, he did hit his 2nd homer in as many games yesterday.
Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Hodgepadre!
Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Truly a breakout year, which correlates to around 16 homers and a .265 average. The mouth on the left side of the screen says, “Yawn.” The mouth on the right side of the screen says, “stipating.”
Jose Valverde – Tigers are saying Valverde should be back by this weekend. If you own Valverde, I’m not sure if that’s good news. The Tigers are saying Benoit could see saves, but it might also go based on match-ups. Benoit made me think of the WWF, which made me think of Words With Friends. I’m surprised the World Wildlife Federation hasn’t made them change the name to Words With Pals or Words With Entertainment.
Austin Jackson – Left yesterday’s game with an abdominal strain. He might get a precautionary MRI, and we know how well those turn out!
Carlos Quentin – Rehab assignment was shutdown as he needed a cortisone shot. 2008 called and said Carlos Quentin’s stats are being erased; they’re all lies.
Jason Bay – He’s about two weeks away from returning. Yay. Put the ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons on order.
Alex Presley – Has left the building. He had the full-time job, but he Mr. Bungled it and is off to the minors. Mr. Bungled it so bad the Pirates are turning to McLousy or Yamaico Navarro. Navarro got the start yesterday and went 0-for-2, and was lifted for a pinch hitter. In the minors, Navarro showed light power (10-ish homers) and light steals (12-ish). He does have 3rd base eligibility in Yahoo and ESPN, but outside of leagues that only play Pirate players, I’d hold for now. And in those leagues, who’s your 2nd draft pick? Jose Tabata? Do you reach for Hanrahan?
Brett Lawrie – Suspended only 4 games, but plans to appeal. I’d love to hear the preliminary appeal discussion with his attorney. Attorney talking to Lawrie, “We can either go with your frustration was stemming from the egregious strike calls made by Bill Miller. Or we can go with a skinny guy in the front row was casting a shadow that made it look like there was a hat rack on the ground.” Lawrie, “I think I can put a hashtag on that second reason.” “Done and done!”
Colby Rasmus – 0-for-4 with 4 high fives to Bautista, Arencibia, Johnson and Encarnacion, who all homered. I think Rasmus also worked in a fist pump to Thames, who doubled.
Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees. This is coming off a 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER effort vs. the Twins and 5 IP, 5 ER against the Angels, who just fired their hitting coach. Kyle Drabek: I Make Smart Money Look Stupid.
Wilson Betemit – 2-for-7 with his 6th homer. Is Betemit available to teach Ryan Zimmerman how to hit? Cause that would be helpful.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5 with two steals as he bats .336. Omar’s coming yo!
Mike Minor – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Not sure if I’ve verbalized it, um, writing, but this Minor shizz has got to be off your team until further notice. You know how they have obits written ahead of time for celebrities? Atlanta reporters have the tweet “Mike Minors” ready to go.
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, his bats finally got back from Japan!
Michael Saunders – 2-for-3 with his 5th steal, which he dedicated to his dad, the Colonel.
Melky Cabrera – Scratched with a sore left toe. He’s day-to-day, or at least that’s what the aliens told me who read his mind despite his best efforts to stop them.
Corey Hart – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer. Surprised to see him in some comments as a guy people can pick up. I’m assuming these leagues are shallow, but, as they said in 14th century China, assuming makes an ass outta of you and Ming. To answer, yeah, he should be owned, especially now because he usually goes on tears.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in four games, while hitting .286. Okay, I’m talking him up solely because I dropped Cozart for Dozier. Hopefully, things stay rozier.
Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer. The Eskimos have a name for the sound of crap hitting the toilet water, it’s Plouffe.
Justin Morneau – He was activated from the DL and went 1-for-5. It’s like he never left!
Ryan Doumit – To the DL for three weeks with a strained calf. What an odd thing to find in a colander.
Josh Willingham – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI as the Twins scored 11 runs. My fact checking monkey tells me the Twins didn’t carry over this whole year’s worth of runs.
Felix Hernandez – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER vs. the Indians. F-Her, you should be embarrassed. Luckily, I didn’t use the thesaurus for synonyms for embarrassed. The Native American Anti-Defamation League has enough to deal with.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. I think he might be the unofficial winner of the most comments on whether or not people should pick him up. Yeah, this Bud’s for you.
Carlos Lee – 3-for-4 with his 3rd homer, now hitting near .400 over the last week. Ugh, first Alfonso Soriano, now Carlos Lee. Kick me in the ass and call me Murray Chass.
Andy Dirks – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 1 RBI. Hitting .370 out of the 2 hole. Plouffe!
Eric Hosmer – 0-for-7. Maybe he can work the count into something favorable then they can put in Mitch Maier.
Felipe Paulino – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. He’s kinda put together three solid starts (his 2nd one vs. the White Sox was a bit of bad luck). His K-rate has always been solid, but his walk rate losses sight of the strike zone sometimes. So far, he’s been in control. The 1-something ERA won’t stay there, but he could be what you thought you were getting from Filthy Sanchez this year (not what you actually got).
Krispie Young – Hit a grand slam in his rehab game. It was shirts vs. I sold my shirt for blow. *checking notes* Nope, different type of rehab.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer to tie Gordon Beckham for 217th best in baseball!
Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. LaRoche has 29 RBIs and is hitting .339. Yesterday, Hosmer pooped twice.
Wilson Ramos – Going for ACL surgery in 2-3 weeks and won’t be back this year. Bernie Williams, “I’d love to play my guitar at the opening of the ACL!”
Ian Desmond – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. He’s hitting around .330 over the last week with 2 steals. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Henry Rodriguez – Got the save yesterday even after Desmond E’d a guy onto base. HanK-Rod still mowed them down, showing no signs of his recent failings. I realized something watching him. He’s Charlie Sheen in Major League (or real life). His stuff is insane, and he can’t control it.
Michael Morse – Made throws yesterday for the first time in several weeks. He said, “I haven’t been throwing, so it was kind of like a monkey riding a bike.” That sounds awesome! I wanna see him throwing through flaming hula hoops while balancing on a seal’s nose! Please!
Another week in the books, my fellow pretend baseball heads. The chase for wins continues this week with a stellar group of entries comprised of 9 guys whose combined career starts don’t even equal the other person’s. I can’t even remember what I was doing in 1986 when Jamie Moyer started his first game. Oh… I remember now it was called being a kid and getting dirty and stealing cars. Stuff we all did and never got caught for, boys being boys type stuff. It is kind of weird to imagine the same player being in the fantasy pool from my year one start into fantasy in 1989, til this year. Crazy stuff. He needs to get out of that pool ‘cuz he is going to be all wrinkly. Even if you hate the Rockies, you have to root for Jamie a little, just don’t do it too loud; he frightens easily. So enjoy the week to come and happy fantasy scavenging. (Pitchers and matchups change so please be aware.)
One Start Streamers :
4/25
Kyle Drabek @Bal – Hammel
Luke Hochevar @Cle – Tomlin
Barry Zito @Cin – Arroyo
4/26
Philip Humber vs Bos – Doubront
Rick Porcello vs Sea – Noesi
4/27
Danny Duffy @MIN – Pavano
Jake Westbrook @Mil – TBD
4/28
Randall Delgado vs Pit – Bedard
Two Star Options:
Jamie Moyer (@Pit vs McDonald, NYM vs Dickey) – Moyer will be in Pittsburgh and Denver this week throwing a baseball unfast. I hope he doesn’t wear out his feet peddling his car to the games, he needs his strength.
Lucas Harrell (@Mil vs Greinke, @Cin vs Latos) – I personally think it’s great that the ‘Stros are giving the kid from ET a chance. No word on if they gave his bike with a basket a job in the transportation department.
Bartolo Colon (CHW vs Peavy, @Bal vs Hunter) – 15 straight scoreless innings, and he threw 38 consecutive strikes in his start on Wednesday. That to me is crazy. I can’t do anything 38 times in a row with out the help of visual aides. This is the only piece of actual stat in this article, so you’re welcome.
Henderson Alvarez (@Bal vs Hunter, Sea vs Vargas) – Remember 2 weeks ago when I said it would be his only appearance on this weekly format. Well, the gist of it is I lied, because people still don’t have this guy rostered enough so your stuck listening about him.
Chris Capuano (ATL vs Jurrjens, WAS vs Zimmermann) – Oooh, 2 starts at home, I still think I would take Paul Lynde to block. We come for the K’s and stay for the apuano. Oh wait, damn you phonetics. Somewhere in heaven, Charles Nelson Reilly is jealous of Paul Lynde being mentioned.
Bruce Chen (Tor vs Morrow, @Min vs Liriano) – To me Bruce Chen is like the guy who still buys Zima at the liquor store. You see it as being available in the store, but wonder who ever buys it. Now you know, but you really shouldn’t.
Jason Marquis (Bos vs Lester, KC vs Sanchez) – I ran into Marquis at the Wawa ordering a quesadilla after his start against the Yankees and asked about his 2 start week. He said, “You know me as the b-i-z-m-a-r-q-u-i-s, I go for what I know doin’ a show for human beings, I’m guaranteed to roc,k I make the ladies scream and shout.” “Nobody beats the bizzzz.” Floored, he autographed my 6″ sub in oil and vinegar.
R.A. Dickey (Mia vs Buerhle, @COL vs Moyer) – A knuckleballing New York guy named Dickey, I thought Rudy did away with all that type of riff-raff. If he can keep the ball in the park he will be successful. That dynamite piece of advice brought to you by obviousness and wig-wam socks.
Clayton Richard (Was vs Zimmermann, @SF vs Cain) – My first rule of fantasy streaming is don’t trust a guy with 2 first names. Second rule is always check for an Adam’s apples. Cuz, you never can tell with the advancements in modern medicine. Wait, are we still talking about streaming pitchers?
Jason Vargas (@Det vs Scherzer, @Tor vs Alvarez) – The Hawk and Animal special of the week. This guy is pitching better than I think anyone is giving him credit for. Yeah, he’s a Marginer and is away from home this week, but I say fiddle faddle. Trends come and go, that’s why I am still hanging onto my Jordache jeans.
I don’t particularly like the term ‘beginner’s luck’. If we won the LABR NL-Only Expert League (sponsored/hosted by Steve Gardner at USA Today), I imagine this dismissive term would be tagged on us. Those smart-ass bloggers won LABR – such beginner’s luck!
Unfortunately, we’ll never know because we finished in a tie for 7th place and ‘Beginner’s average performance’ doesn’t have the same colloquial attractiveness.
(Congratulations to Doug Dennis who managed 41 pitching points (out of 65) after investing just $30 on pitching in the draft. That’s what can happen with a little luck, a couple of good $1 picks (F. Salas, D. Gee), and an April trade for Ian Kennedy)
2011 NL LABR Standings (13 Team)
Place
Team/Blog
Owner
Points
1st
Baseball HQ
Doug Dennis
99
2nd
Rotoworld
Wolf/ Colton
86.5
3rd
NFBC
Greg Ambrosius/ Shawn Childs
75
4th
Baseball Prospectus
Clay Davenport
71
5th
USA TODAY
Steve Gardner
70.5
6th
Baseball Prospectus
Derek Carty
69
T-7th
Razzball
Rudy Gamble
65
T-7th
RotoWire
Dalton Del Don
65
9th
ESPN – EK
Eric Karabell
64.5
10th
Baseball Info Solutions
Steve Moyer
64.5
11th
Sandlot Shrink
Bob Radomski
61.5
12th
ESPN.com – Cockcroft
Tristan H. Cockcroft
60.5
13th
Yahoo – Brandon
Brandon Funston
58
Coming out of our draft, we were feeling pretty good about our offense (which we spent about $180 of our $260) where we placed three big bets (Albert Pujols – $40, Ryan Braun – $37, Jose Reyes – $29) and three medium-sized bets (Todd Neil Walker – $18, Logan Morrison – $18, Danny Espinosa – $13). While none of our ‘cheap’ picks played particularly well or stayed particularly healthy (Casey Blake, Mark DeRosa), these guys helped carry us to 51 points which was the 3rd best offense. (Our in-season pickups had a modest impact – our three notable ones were Juan Rivera, Paul Goldschmidt, and Brandon Wood).
If our pitching – which we thought might be average – could only overperform a bit, we had a chance to compete for the title. Those of you with 8th grade math skills can surmise that it performed awfully (14 points). And that’s AFTER trading Pujols in an August trade for Cliff Lee who gave us a sick line of 60.2 IP, 1.19 ERA, 0.857 WHIP, 61 Ks.
Here’s a Spaghetti Western breakdown of our pitching:
The Good: Yovani Gallardo ($21) – Can’t complain too much about 207.1 IP / 17 W / 3.52 / 1.215 / 207 Ks
Randy Wolf ($3) – 212.1 IP / 13 W / 3.69 / 1.319 / 134
Carlos Marmol ($20) – Yeah, wish we spent $15 for Kimbrel or Marmol blew less saves but 33 saves and 99 Ks (!!!) from a closer is solid.
Chris Capuano ($4) – The 4.55 ERA was ugly but 11 Wins and 168 Ks with an okay WHIP (1.349) was good value.
The Bad:
Clayton Richard ($5) – Ugh, why’d we draft this Hodgepadre instead of Harang or Stauffer? The fact he only made it through 99 IP didn’t help.
Tom Gorzelanny ($2) – He pitched great (1.235 WHIP, nearly a K an inning) but he only pitched 100 innings as the Nationals preferred to give Chien-Mien Wang starts down the stretch and only managed 4 wins.
Matt Lindstrom ($2) – We were hoping for more than 2 saves and he was injured when Huston Street inevitably got hurt. Hurts more when you think what gambling on a SP like Brandon Beachy ($1) or Dillon Gee ($1) might’ve netted.
Clay Hensley ($5) – We hoped he might steal the job from the pitcher formerly known as Leo Nunez. He then switched to SP where he was sub-average.
The Ugly:
Hong-Chih Kuo ($6) – We really liked three middle relievers with some Saves potential – Kuo, Madson, and Venters. If Kuo has a Madson-like year of 25 saves, it would’ve netted us 7 more points in Saves. Yip!
Javier Vazquez ($11) – This really couldn’t have worked out worse. Grey has covered this numerous times in daily roundups but here’s the painful story. LABR rules dictate that anyone on a 25-man roster HAS to be started. So we couldn’t bench Vazquez during his atrocious April/May. It was either start him or drop him. We prayed he’d go on the Disgraceful List or show some sign of a turnaround but all we got was one bad start after another.
Vazquez has always been one of those guys who Ks a lot but gives up too many HRs and underperforms on his ratios (career xFIP of 3.75 and ERA of 4.22). There is no way Vazquez can be effective if he isn’t K-ing in the 8-10 K/9 range. He started the season at about half that rate so there was little hope for the K mojo (and any level of effectiveness) to return. I dropped him sometime in May – after lobbying hard against a hesitant Grey – when Vazquez had a line of 39.1 IP / 2 Wins / 7.55 ERA / 1.907 WHIP / 20 Ks.
So what did he do the rest of the way? Only 146. 1 IP / 10 Wins / 2.83 ERA / 1.011 WHIP / 135 Ks. My guess is just holding onto Vazquez – which we would’ve done had he not had a historically bad first 8 or so starts – would’ve netted us 10 pitching points (in Wins, Ks, and ERA) and put us close to the top 3.
Oh well…hopefully if they let us in next year, we’ll learn from these pitching mistakes and make a run for the pennant. Or at least make new mistakes so we don’t look stupid when writing the end of season post.
Two weeks ago, Albert Pujols fractured his wrist. He said he was going to be out for 6 weeks but he wasn’t sure until he went back to his home planet Krypton, where he’s known as Al-El. On Krypton, Al-El had a heart-to-heart with a hologram image of Stan Musial. What Stan told Al-El was simple. “Hitting isn’t about arms, wrists or legs. It’s about flying backwards around the globe to before your wrist was hurt by Wilson Betemit and pulling your arm back. Then take two weeks to pretend like you’re injured so no one thinks anything weird is going on.” I’d be slightly concerned that Pujols is rushing himself back and he might not have his power immediately, if this weren’t Pujols. A few years ago, he revealed in the preseason he had a broke elbow tendon or some shizz and went on to win the MVP. He’s superhuman, don’t doubt him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Lester – He took a no-hitter into the trainer’s room where he found out he had a strained latissimus dorsi. So, he’s a dolphin? Well, if he’s that smart, have him throw with his other flipper. Or have Al-El touch your lat and make it better! Lester will probably be out a couple of weeks. So it’s longer than you want, but shorter than the Big Dig.
Jeff Karstens – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. There’s far more glamorous names out there. Like Portia, that’s a glamorous name. Karstens is more like a 3.75 ERA pitcher than the 2.55 he currently has, but that shouldn’t stop you from throwing him out there in some leagues.
Brett Cecil – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. After his last start, I said we’d need to see a few good starts from Cecil before adding him. This was one. Few > One.
Shane Victorino – Has a Grade 1 sprain on his thumb. That’s a thumb sucking. He could be out until the All-Star break.
Ryan Madson – Threw a bullpen session and he’s due back right after the All-Star break. On a side note that has nothing to do with this, I was talking to Rudy over IM and asked him to imagine us writing a non-fantasy baseball blog and to come up with a Casey Anthony not guilty title. His title, “Mom Finally Free from Parenting and Jail.”
Ryan Howard – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th home run to go along with his 71 RBIs. I took some guff for putting him high in my preseason rankings, if I’m using the word guff correctly. Well, guff, ya’ll! (I’m almost certainly not using it right there.) And for those that say, “Well, you could’ve had Berkman much later.” I say, true, but that was a lottery ticket. You can’t count on those.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. I think he’s hit 10 homers in the last 11 games, but I’m not Aramis’s keeper.
Dan Haren – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks. Shh, don’t tell Haren but it’s technically the second half of the season.
Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Why again did I have to say a correction was coming? I suck. Hopefully he’ll start to turn things around again. Just putting that out into the universe. It’s the secret.
Ian Stewart – 0-for-3. Ah, you haven’t missed a beat, you old Mini-Mini Donkey. The Rockies are saying Stewart’s bench depth. For now, I’m gonna think about the good times we had for like half of a month last year and let someone else pick him up. In the immortal words of Sean Puffy P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs, “Memories give me the strength I need to proceed…Strength I need to believe…”
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 with his 12th home run. Doc spoke about him yesterday, so I won’t go too in-depth. Just wanna say I picked him for Rookie of the Year, not Rudy. It’s just deserts and he’s my biscotti! (I say biscotti because it’s sweet, but there’s probably something better for dessert. Plus, the hard C sound is funny.)
Dustin Ackley – 2-for-3 with the always delectable slam & legs. 3 home runs and 2 steals over 50 at-bats ain’t too shabby. Hopefully he doesn’t get how to avoid sophomore slump tips from Pedro Alvarez or Matt Wieters this offseason.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with 2 homers. Matt sure knows how to extend the Holliday weekend! Huh?! Yeah, I’m not sure what that means either.
Edinson Volquez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. This isn’t exactly a newsflash but he’s unownable in all leagues.
Mariano Rivera – Nursing a sore triceps with saves likely to go to David Robertson. No one seems to think it’s going to be a problem for longer than a day or two. So he’s day-to-two-days.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-6 with his 24th and 25th home runs. Grandy is dandy, but Chipper is sicker.
Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 6 ER. Yeah, not good, but you shouldn’t have started him vs. the Yankees. Sorry, I put the blame on you, Akon.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Day-to-day with an ankle injury. Still haven’t heard of one cankle injury. Cust kayin’.
Mitch Atkins – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Nothing to see here, except the herpes on his lip.
Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks. See high K pitcher striking out a lot of guys… Having…hard…time…resisting…
Scott Baker – Has a mild strain of his elbow. For a pitcher, that’s like a slight case of being dead. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few starts.
Matt Capps – And he was lousy again yesterday while Perkins got another save. Maybe when Gardenhire is saying the closer is Capps, he actually means in proximity to him. I’d grab Perkins and Nathan for speculative saves. Capps isn’t long for the 9th.
Clayton Richard – To the 15 day DL with a left shoulder strain. In his place could be, Anthony Bass or Wade LeBlanc, who sound like siblings of Backstreet Boys. Whichever one gets the call will have value in home starts. You know the old saying, “It can’t hurt starting Hodgepadres at home.” Actually, it’s not old or really even a saying.
Corey Hart – Now with homers in back-to-back games. Corey Hart has that never surrender attitude.
Jon Garland – Dodger pitcher, Garland, is out for the year with shoulder surgery. With the Dodgers out of the picture, the Mets look forward to signing him for the 2012 season.
Mike Cameron – Like many Northeasterns nearing retirement, Krispie Young Sr. will be moving to the Sunshine State. Hopefully he looks both ways at intersections so he doesn’t have another head-on collision and put a dent in Mike Stanton or Logan Morrison.
Mike Stanton – Experiencing vision problems as a result of a recent eye infection, turning his normally high K-rate into the Mark Reynolds K-stratosphere. Jack McKeon was just glad to have something in common with one of his players. “Hey, team, prostates and incontinence are a bitch, am I right?”
