Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, that took care of the hitters.  They’re done.  That cake is done.  Unless you count Utility-only players, the Hall of Fame committee doesn’t count them, not sure why you do.  Maybe you like players so unathletic that they can’t even play first.  You deal with your own hang-ups, ‘kay?  Now we look at the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Bee tee dubya, I’m still calling this year twelve after twenty.  Hope you are too, hate to think I started a fad that only lasted for a minute or two right after midnight on January 1st.  We’re gonna take this top 20 to a top 40 then a top 60 then a top 80.  Sounds daunting to you?!  Try being the one writing all this gobbledygook.  I have a pretty off color joke for that last word, but you would’ve had to be in ‘Nam to appreciate it.  You’re not going to find me drafting many of the top tier 20 starters unless they drop to the point where I feel they’re a bargain.  Say two to three rounds past their average draft position.  There’s just too many starters you can grab in the 5th to 7th rounds that are pretty safe to mess with the top, top guys.  I do like to grab at least one starter from the following post, but we’ll get to that.  As with the hitters, the projections are mine and I’ll list where I see tiers starting and stopping.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Roy Halladay – This is the top tier.  This tier goes from here until Verlander.  I call this tier, “The top tier.  Didn’t I already say that?”  Halladay’s projections can be found in the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Clayton Kershaw – I saw some ‘perts rank Verlander above Kershaw.  For shame, shame balls.  I saw another ‘pert rank Verlander above Halladay.  Shame ball me once?  Shame balls on you.  Shame ball me twice?  Shame balls on you.  To think I don’t get paid for this astute analysis.  Inconceivable!  Seriously (uh-oh, you know I’m about to get serious), what is there to say about the top pitchers?  Kershaw just slept with your sister in the back of a hooptie, then left her on the side of the 101 in Reseda.  Are you angry or proud?  Proud, that’s how awesome he is.  2012 Projections:  17-7/2.55/1.05/230

3. Cliff Lee – The Adverb had a tough time with walks last year (for him, which is way below normal for any human pitcher), and that lead to a huge step forward in Ks (7.84 to 9.21 K/9).  Doode, I’ll take a full 2.00 BB/9 if it means another 40 Ks.  You feel me?  If you do, could you stop?  It’s making me uncomfortable.  2012 Projections:  18-8/2.50/1.05/215

4. Justin Verlander – The other day I heard a ex-jock, sportscasting announcer guy say, “Verlander didn’t have a good year…. He had a great year!”  Is there any other profession that could get away with such trite shizz?  Imagine your mechanic told you your muffler wasn’t good… It was great!  You’d think twice the next time a Groupon for Jiffy Lube showed up in your Inbox.  You know ESPN et al think they can get away with ex-jocks/idiotic sportscasters because they think you’re dumb.  With that said, Verlander did have a great year.  DAH!!!  2012 Projections:  18-7/2.75/1.08/240

5. Tim Lincecum – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Greinke.  I call this tier, “The aces that once were.”  I’m seeing Lincecum drafted after a couple of guys I have after him on my rankings, so if he were to fall far enough, I could see maybe getting him.  He would have to fall probably much later than he will.  He had a solid enough 2011 to still be an ace.  Don’t love the falling K-rate, burgeoning walk rate or his highest xFIP since his rookie year.  None of it is terrific, but I also wouldn’t yell fire in the theater of Lincecum.  2012 Projections:  15-10/2.75/1.18/230

6. Felix Hernandez – Ready to have your mind blown?  F-Her actually had a better season in 2011 than his dream Cy Young year when he won a whole 13 games.  Thinking about that, Murray Chass just rolled over in casket, assuming he sleeps in a casket to make things easier for his family when he dies.  F-Her’s K-rate was better in 2011, his xFIP was nearly identical (3.14 vs. 3.15) and he won an extra game.  (His WHIP was a little off, but that was due to some rollers finding holes, as they say on the Skee-Ball World Tour.)  2012 Projections:  15-12/2.80/1.14/220

7. CC Sabathia – I’m trying not to be too stupid this year.  In previous years, I’ve said I’m avoiding CC because he has too many innings on his arm.  Then he’s gone out and thrown another 200 innings.  He can throw a lot of innings.  He’s just a dandy Yankee who eats lots of cheese doodles — stick a feather in his arm and call it macaroni and then he’ll eat that too.  2012 Projections:  20-7/3.10/1.20/210

8. Zack Greinke – Okay, I probably will end up drafting Greinke cause I’m ranking him pretty high.  That doesn’t mean I’m taking him in the 3rd round overall.  (I’ll get to the top 300 overall where I rank everyone together; don’t worry your cute little egg-shaped head about that.)  I can’t say I owned Greinke last year when everyone was crazy about him in the preseason because, well, everyone was crazy about him.  Then he went out and had a 3.83 ERA.  Belch called you up and burped.  Obviously there’s more to his ERA than meets the eye.  He had a 10.54 K/9 and a 2.56 xFIP.  *drool*  Everyone’s writing the Brewers off this year, and there’s some reason to, but Greinke used to do work on the Royals.  He’ll be a’ight.  2012 Projections:  15-8/2.90/1.18/220

9. Cole Hamels – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Lester.  I call this tier, “If I don’t have one starter already, here’s where I’m drafting and I’m fine with that.”  Are we going to get the Hamels that gives a 9+ K-rate or the under-2 walk rate?  Doesn’t matter.  He really hasn’t had one bad year when you look under the hood.  Four straight years of 32+ starts and no xFIP over 3.63.  You’ll take it and like it.  2012 Projections:  15-10/2.95/1.10/200

10. Madison Bumgarner – I already went over my Bumgarner 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while counting my licks to the center of a Tootsie pop.  2012 Projections:  15-8/2.90/1.18/200

11. Yovani Gallardo – I took some flak for ranking Gallardo so high last year.  Well, last year I ranked him 10th and this year 11th.  Correction done.  I don’t know, guys and three girl readers, he had a 8.99 K/9, dropped his walk rate by more than one per nine and had a xFIP of 3.19.  Was it really that bad of a year?  Rhetorical!  If he gives me the same season as last year, I’m all right with that.  (Side note:  Gallardo was on the Verducci list of risky pitchers.  Here’s what I said about that list.)  2012 Projections:  15-9/3.15/1.20/210

12. David Price – I saw one fantasy baseball ‘pert rank Price 11th and Gallardo 18th.  Let’s see what we know from last year:  Price’s K-rate 8.75; Gallardo’s 8.99, Price’s walk rate 2.53; Gallardo’s 2.56, Price’s xFIP 3.32; Gallardo’s 3.19, Price is in the AL East; Gallardo is in a Pujols-less NL Central (which actually sounds painful), Price won 12 games last year; Gallardo 17.  I’m willing to throw wins out the metaphorical window, but is anything else saying Price is that much better?  None of this is meant to disparage Price, bee tee dubya.  I just don’t see the discrepancy between the two.  You know what happens when you feel sick from French pancakes?  You’re having a discrepancy.  Take it, Highlights.  It’s yours.  2012 Projections:  15-10/3.20/1.18/200

13. Jon Lester – I beat myself up a little (no, that’s not a euphemism for something else) on where to rank Lester. His xFIP last year was 3.62.  I’ve seen better.  His K-rate of 8.55 is great, but he’s done better.  Looking inside his months, it’s hard to see why we should penalize him for two bad months (May and September).  In May, he had one start vs. the Cubs where he gave up 5 earned in six innings, but the Sawx had a huge early lead, so he was pitching to bats.  He was then torched by the Blue Jays for five runs in 5 innings, but three came in the 1st and then he settled down.  Finally, he gave up 7 earned vs. the White Sox (obviously he doesn’t like Chicago pizza).  In that game, he gave three early runs then 4 in the 6th to get chased.  Then his bad month of September came when the entire club crapped on the memory of Johnny Pesky.  Am I making excuses for Lester?  Oh, fo’ sho.  But he strikes out a lot of people.  Hmm, guess I could’ve just said that.  2012 Projections:  16-9/3.25/1.22/200

14. Dan Haren – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until C.J. Wilson.  I call this tier, “Wim Wenders’s favorite tier.”  With my Haren ranking here, I’m basically blocking a Triple Word score with a solid, yet unspectacular word.  I don’t think Haren is going to be someone who ends up out-performing this ranking (unless he lucks into, like, 22 wins).  He is terrifically solid.  No more, no less.  It’s not a knock.  It just is.  2012 Projections:  17-10/3.30/1.12/190

15. Jered Weaver – This year in and year out exceeding of his xFIP worries me.  It’s like we’re being told to proceed with caution, but continue to ignore it and it works out.  I don’t want the rug to get pulled out from underneath me, but I also don’t want to say he’s garbage because he has a bit of a track record that says he’s not.  I’m going to put my ERA projection at 3.35, but if we get a 3.60 it wouldn’t shock me.  I also don’t think it would make for that awful of a season either.  2012 Projections:  16-10/3.35/1.12/200

16. C.J. Wilson – When he landed in SoCal, I went over my C.J. Wilson fantasy.  I wrote it while juggling fire.  2012 Projections:  14-8/3.45/1.21/190

17. Gio Gonzalez – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the the top 40 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball.  I call this tier, “Am I crazy with these rankings?  Yeah, crazy like a fox!”  You’ll pardon me if I link to my Gio Gonzalez 2012 fantasy rather than reiterating.  This post is already pushing 2000 words and eyes tend to glaze over after the first 125 words.  2012 Projections:  15-8/3.50/1.28/200

18. Matt Cain – He’s the only name in this tier that isn’t crazy exciting just reliable.  If you think this is too high and that I’m crummy with crackers, his ERAs the last three years were:  2.89, 3.14 and 2.88.  Like Harrison Ford’s Jewish roots, those aren’t too shabby.  Need more convincing?  He had more quality starts than Halladay last year.  Sure, his xFIPs aren’t great, but he beats those every year, let’s just accept that.  2012 Projections:  14-10/3.10/1.10/180

19. Mat Latos – Albert went over Latos’s trade to the Reds when it went down.  There he said, “When you think Padres pitching, you assume they get huge bumps from Petco – not exactly the case for Latos. While he has a slightly better K:BB rate at home during the course of his career, his slash lines are virtually identical: .229/.287/.348 at home versus .224/.286/.351 on the road.  Bingo-bango!”  I added the bingo-bango.  To add to that, Latos was facing the Giants and Dodgers a heck of a lot.  They’re, how do I say, terrible.  Yes, that’s how I say it.  Home or away.  He’ll be a bit less the pitcher he was, but he’ll also have an actual offense and could be a sleeper to get 20 wins.  I know, I know, I don’t count on wins either.  Just putting it out there in the ether, no relation to Andre.  2012 Projections:  16-10/3.50/1.20/200

20. Stephen Strasburg – His fan club, The House of Strasburg, better launder their early-1900s, Austrian officer uniforms because we’re about to have our ordainment of St. Rasburg.  I want to watch him more than I want to get in a bidding war to own him.  If you catch my drift… If you don’t catch my drift, stand behind me.  I’d be shocked if he pitches one inning over 160.  For our friends from Latin America, we have a caveat:  I wouldn’t go near Strasburg in H2H leagues, there’s no way he pitches in September.  2012 Projections:  12-5/2.90/1.10/165 in 160 innings

All the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings for hitters are done. For those that skipped today’s title, this starts the top 20 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball.  This is NOT for 2012 (caps for those still wearing their Dolphin Tale 3-D glasses).  This is a recap.  Will these affect next year’s rankings?  Sure.  But not entirely.  To recapitulate, these rankings are from ESPN’s Player Rater.  It’s an objective third party to fairly gauge my preseason rankings.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is the Tootie and I’m the Natalie?  No, just an unbiased comparison.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 starters for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Justin Verlander – Verlander was terrific yadda³.  I’d prefer to take his blurb to talk about how easily pitchers can go wrong, or fantasy teams, in general.  I had Kershaw, Hamels and Yovani as guys I wanted in the preseason.  They all finished in this top 20.  Unfortunately, I also had Liriano in a group of pitchers I wanted, and he was the one I ended up with in a bunch of leagues.  Pitching can be found later in drafts so this didn’t kill all my leagues, but it just shows you how easily a coin flip (Liriano or Kershaw) can turn a team’s fortunes.  Preseason Rank #12, 2011 Projections: 15-10/3.50/1.18/210, Final Numbers:  24-5/2.40/0.92/250

2. Clayton Kershaw – You know what’s nice about Clayton Kershaw?  Everything!  This article from 2010 always sticks in the back of my mind.  This is pretty unfair to point out.  We’ve all been wrong.  Shoot, I’m wrong more than I’m right.  I’m probably wrong just pointing this article out.  For those who don’t have ESPN Hindsighter, the piece was written almost two years ago.  (Yeah, I randomly remember shizz like this but forget where I parked my car.)  The author compares Kershaw to young pitchers over the last 30 years and how they get hurt or lose velocity.  He compares Kershaw to Kazmir and Ollie Perez.  Only there’s no mention that Kazmir and Perez had an entirely different flaw in their games.  They walked more than someone with a DUI in Los Angeles.  Also, he mentions Doc Gooden.  Only he doesn’t mention that Gooden had the world by the nuts until he decided to see if he could snort the foul lines.  What’s also omitted in that article is that Feller, Drysdale and Blyleven did pretty well at the ripe old age of 22.  Could Kershaw collapse because he has too many innings on his arm at a young age?  I suppose, but not because a few prodigies did and some other prodigies didn’t.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections: 14-8/3.00/1.15/220, Final Numbers: 21-5/2.28/0.98/248

3. Roy Halladay – The fact that Halladay ended up 3rd is more a testament to the two pitchers above him rather than an indictment on anything he did.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections: 19-7/2.75/1.06/205, Final Numbers:  19-6/2.35/1.04/220

4. Cliff Lee – This is more of an over-arching issue with my preseason projections and the end of the year numbers.  Pitchers were a lot better than I thought they’d be (or hitters were a lot worse).  Guys I really liked in the preseason such as Lee, I projected an ERA for them a hair under 3.00.  There were 16 pitchers with an ERA under 3.00.  And a bunch of them weren’t just a “hair” under 3.00.  It’s the Age of ERA-rius.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections: 16-6/2.95/1.05/190, Final Numbers:  17-8/2.40/1.03/238

5. Jered Weaver – On one of the last days of the season, I took my rusty scalpel to Jered Weaver for 2011.  I wrote it while remarking what a nice beaver you have.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections: 15-10/3.40/1.15/195, Final Numbers:  18-8/2.41/1.01/198

6. James Shields – This might be a bit shocking to some people, but Shields’s 2010 when he had a 5.18 ERA wasn’t really that different than his 2.82 ERA this year.  He gave up a few less homers, was lucky with BABIP and left more men on base.  He’s been a mid-3 ERA pitcher more or less for the last two years.  Preseason Rank #58, 2011 Projections: 12-8/3.95/1.30/170, Final Numbers:  16-12/2.82/1.04/225

7. Ian Kennedy – This is a bit of a continuation of what I said in the Verlander blurb about getting unlucky with my first starter.  In the preseason I said I wanted Kennedy, Bumgarner, Chacin, Cueto, Morrow, Edwin Jackson, Jonathan Sanchez or de la Rosa as my fourth starter.  Lots of hits there, but I could’ve ended up with the misses.  I didn’t though.  So luck does tend to even out.  Or not.  Your choice.  Preseason Rank #40, 2011 Projections: 11-10/3.75/1.25/180, Final Numbers:  21-4/2.88/1.09/198

8. Cole Hamels – My pitching projections weren’t great, but the guys I told you to draft weren’t bad.  I’ve pegged Hamels as a guy to go after for four (stutterer!) years now.  Next year, it’ll be the fifth.  Really nothing ever wrong with Hamels assuming his luck isn’t terrible.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections: 14-10/3.40/1.18/190, Final Numbers:  14-9/2.79/0.99/194

9. Dan Haren – “You got your head so far up your ass your mustache is also your eyebrows!  There’s no such thing as the Haren pre- and post-All Star break splits!”  That’s you.  This year:  2.61 ERA pre-All Star break; 3.89 ERA post-All Star break.  Um, okay.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections: 15-9/3.60/1.18/215, Final Numbers:  16-10/3.17/1.02/192

10. CC Sabathia – For a few years now, CC has worried me with his innings.  Yeah, he’s a workhorse, but this is the 2nd year in a row where his post-All Star break numbers have been less than stellar and in 2011 it was even more pronounced.  I.e., it’s pronounced:  tired.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections: 18-10/3.40/1.20/190, Final Numbers:  19-8/3.00/1.23/230

11. Josh Beckett – You can go ahead and read Shields’s blurb again, because it’s pretty much the same deal with Beckett.  Preseason Rank #29, 2011 Projections: 15-9/4.15/1.24/170, Final Numbers:  13-7/2.89/1.03/175

12. C.J. Wilson – A recurring theme in my stupid assitude is my inability to understand relievers turned starters.  Wilson didn’t feel the effects of 2010 on his arm, he actually got better.  I really have no clue.  Preseason Rank #49, 2011 Projections: 12-6/3.95/1.28/165, Final Numbers:  16-7/2.94/1.19/206

13. Matt Cain – As I continue to be the best ‘pert I can be, I’ve realized I should ignore certain stats for Cain.  Yes, I’m smarter now because I’ve chosen to be more ignorant.  You’re welcome.  Preseason Rank #23, 2011 Projections: 13-9/3.50/1.12/180, Final Numbers:  12-11/2.88/1.08/179

14. Ricky Romero – In the preseason, when I told you to draft Romero, here’s what I said, “Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Preseason Rank #59, 2011 Projections: 13-6/3.65/1.30/180, Final Numbers:  15-11/2.92/1.14/178

15. Tim Lincecum – I was pretty concerned about Lincecum’s falling K-rate coming off his 2010 season…Yet, came closer to his projections than I did for most.  As always, it’s better to be wrong-right than right-right.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections: 15-10/3.20/1.18/225, Final Numbers:  13-14/2.74/1.21/220

16. Doug Fister – Easily the only pitcher that came completely out of nowhere.  Sure, I ranked Shields way lower than he ended up, but I told y0u to draft Shields.  Not only did I not mention Fister, but I wouldn’t have told you to even pick him up until around July.  Fister’s season wasn’t quite as pretty as it seemed, but his K-rate was respectable and his walks were low.  Fister, what a pisser!  (Though not Fister in the pisser.)  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 11-13/2.83/1.06/146

17. David Price – I ranked Price 17th and he ended up 17th.  Boo-ya!  Unfortunately, I also said to not draft him.  Again, it’s about being wrong-right.  Price had a great 2010, but he actually had a better 2011.  It’s a truism, or it’s supposed to be a truism, that pitchers really hit their stride in their 3rd year in the bigs.  That’s what 2011 was for Price.  The great sign going forward is he looks like he can continue for years to come, barring injury.  Preseason Rank #17, 2011 Projections: 14-10/3.60/1.22/185, Final Numbers:  12-13/3.49/1.14/218

18. Tim Hudson – No fair, he stole Roy Oswalt’s end of the year stats.  Preseason Rank #27, 2011 Projections: 14-10/3.75/1.20/130, Final Numbers:  16-10/3.22/1.14/158

19. Yovani Gallardo – As anyone knows that was around in the preseason, I was caca-cuckoo for Gallardo.  I wanted him on every team.  I pretty much nailed his projections too.  Yet, I feel like he let me down a bit.  Funny thing with this is when I really like a guy, I want them to beat my projections, not match them.  That’s kinda how I am in every facet of my life too.  Maybe I am just like my mother.  She’s never satisfied.  Preseason Rank #9, 2011 Projections: 16-9/3.30/1.24/220, Final Numbers:   17-10/3.52/1.22/207

20. Felix Hernandez – F-Her can get lumped in with Shields and Beckett.  He had pretty much the same season this year as he had in 2010 when he won the Cy Young.  Only this year, he won an extra game, his K-rate was better, his luck was worse and he gave up two extra homers.  As his spooner cousin Helix Fernandez would say, “Most people just saw a downward spiral year.  Not wanting to see how his xFIP was similar from 2010 to 2011.  Or they just went DNA.  You know, Did Not Address.”  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections: 16-12/2.80/1.10/220, Final Numbers:  14-14/3.47/1.22/222

Alex Gordon and Jeff Francoeur were shut down for the year because the peasant Royals want to give Lorenzo Cain and Jarrod Dyson a full three days to show their worth.  Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peak under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.  As for Frenchy, his line was 77/20/87/.285/22.  Oh, well, that looks pretty normal– Wait a second, 22 steals?!  Where the eff in the effhole did those come from?  His previous high was 8.  He always failed to take pitches like he needed some ADHD medicine, but now he’s running the bases like it too.  “Sorry, first base coach, whatever your name is, can’t stay at 1st, gotta run, peace!”  That’s Frenchy, and he can’t even stop for a period at the end of sentences; he only has time for commas.  He’s always been a notorious bad ball hitter.  This year Frenchy swung at 41% of balls outside the strike zone, which is actually high for him, and his percentage of balls swung at inside the strike zone was actually down.  Only thing that changed this year, he made more contact with pitches outside of the strike zone.  If that stops along with his whacked out of his mind stealing, he may use 2012 to revert to his old ways, so it’ll be hard to give Frenchy my arrondissement.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce a very good friend of mine is putting on a one man show in Los Angeles.  If you go see the play, you may just run into yours truly and my significant other — my mustache.  If you can’t make it to Los Angeles or if you’re in Los Angeles but afraid to leave your house, you can buy his book.  Anyway II, the roundup:

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Hey, that homer can drink legally!  After Pence sat out for three games with a sore knee, it was good to see him return, unless you had him on your bench like I did.  Sonavabench!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit his 29th, 30th and 31st home runs yesterday.  For the Sox’s sake, it’s too bad he can’t pitch.

Francisco Liriano – 1/3 IP, 5 ER in middle relief.  How’d he go from one of the best arms in the game to mop up duty?  When Dr. James Andrews tells people 9 out of 10 pitchers agree with the good doctor, I think I know which one doesn’t agree.  “I feel like Bruno Mars’s forehead, big and empty!”  That’s Liriano talking through a translator.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three starts.  I specify his last three starts, because the Nats have been sitting him every other game.  It’s really important to get at-bats for Pudge, whose nickname wasn’t always ironic, and Jesus Flores?  Rhetorical!

Stephen Strasburg – Nats announced he would have an innings limit next year.  The GM said that innings limit has been semi-calculated.  The equation he used was pretty straightforward:  A Reinjured Strasburg = No Job.

Wade Davis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Nice end to what’s been a pretty terrible season.  His K-rate was atrocious and it wasn’t like he was getting unlucky with his 4.45 ERA.  Usually the third year a starter is in the majors is when their breakthrough comes, which next year will be for Davis, but I don’t have high hopes here.

Jason Bay – Didn’t play Sunday and was pulled from Saturday’s game because of illness.  Illness sounds like it should be managing the Mets.

Nolan Reimold – 2-for-4 with his fourth homer in the last ten games; also he’s hitting .300 over the last week.  He’s either hitting really well recently, or it’s an illusion to get people to draft him again next year.

Robert Andino – 1-for-2 with a steal.  After 136 games, he has 13 steals with 4 coming in the last week.  I don’t get that.  Did he just suddenly realize he’s fast?  Was he auditing a summer class from the University of Phoenix on base stealing and he just passed?  If you have speed, then run.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  On the year, he gave up 59 earned runs in… Guess how many innings.  Wait for it… Here it comes… Wait, where did I put it?… How did it end up in my glove compartment?  Anyway, in 49 2/3 innings.  That gives him the worst single-season ERA in MLB history (10.69).  On the bright side, for the record he beat Halladay’s 10.64 ERA of 2000.  Then again, Halladay was throwing with his left hand that season.

Grady Sizemore – Shut down for the year.  Backdate that to the moment his flash went off in front of a mirror.  Use any definition of the word flash you’d like.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion and didn’t play Sunday.  On a side note, I think Asdrubal should follow Ichiro’s lead and have just Asdrubal on his jersey.  Imagine parents taking their kids to a game and covering their eyes when they see Asdrubal.

Shelley Duncan – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September.  I feel sorry for all those that had to high-five him during his torrid month.  He’s always so intense.  Here’s him at a post-game press conference.

Felix Hernandez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks and was pulled from the game after being hit by a comebacker.  Over the winter, I want a 500 word essay from him about what he did this summer that made me no longer love him.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit a homer in his third straight game, then left due to lightheadedness.  After the game, he said he prefers Amstel Light-headedness.

Matt Holliday – 2-for-7 over the weekend as he returned.  La Russa, wearing a jacket made from veggie burgers, said as long as Holliday’s healthy, he’s going to be out there.  Now it’s a judgment call whether you should play him.  I wouldn’t necessarily go back to him if I had options that were hitting.

Jose Bautista – After crashing into a wall, he stayed in the game for five innings only to then leave with a knee injury.  I think he should be fine.  My mom was right, I could’ve been a doctor.  “But, mom, there’s a whole lot more zeroes in blogging.  Though that’s not zeroes as in money.”

Brett Cecil -  3 1/3 IP, 4 ER and ends the year with a 4.73 ERA and 1.33 WHIP.  Somehow, I’ll find a way to make him seem attractive yet again next year; you just wait and see!

Carlos Gonzalez – As reported here first on Friday after inferring shizz from other sources, CarGo is done for the year.  As I said in the preseason, “He’s a bumps-and-bruises, miss-a-few-days-here-and-there type guy.  Those day-to-day things can turn into more.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.   Don’t mess with The ‘Noff.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4 with his 28th homer.  I’d put $5 on The Other White Meat getting to 30 homers, if I were a betting man.  Okay, if I were a betting man on things I actually know and not just random rolls of a die.

Torii Hunter – 1-for-3 with a steal yesterday, and a homer on Friday and Saturday.  Not the same homer, that would be weird.

Vernon Wells – Slam & legs yesterday and 4 homers in the last 8 games.  You looking at his 25 homers and 9 steals on the year, “Hey, Vernon Wells had a good year?  Who knew?”  You looking at his average, “He hit .220?  Crimey a river, Justin Timberlake.”

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 with his 30th homer and 101st RBI while hitting .293.  I don’t get it, is he gonna try to renegotiate his contract?

Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a homer and two steals.  Totally just padding his stats to get to 30/30 and I love it.  This is why all players should have to own themselves in an H2H league with 50% of their contract in their fantasy league pot.  I wonder if the union will go for it.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and he’s 7 for his last 13.  Can you tell I don’t want the season to end?  This is like the longest roundup ever.  Bonifacio is hot, moving on…

Ricky Nolasco – 2 IP, 6 ER.  Ends the season with a 4.67 ERA.  Somehow, he’ll be hyped again next year by everyone but me.  “Hey, ESPN analcyst here, and I want you to look at Nolasco’s strikeout to walk ratio.  He’s awesome!”

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and his 21st win to go along with his 2.28 ERA, 0.98 WHIP and 248 Ks.  Even with an injured knee, that had Ethier dancing.

Justin Upton – Left the game after being hit in the head by a Lincecum fastball.  Tests are showing no signs of a concussion.  Too bad.  I was hoping he’d return as Jason Bourne and bring down Justin Morneau for trying to kill my fantasy teams.

Matt Holliday sat out yesterday with a hand-thinga-ma-injury — a tendon or a ligament.  Sounds like he’s going to miss the rest of the season, but for right now he’s only out for four (stutterer!) to five days.  I’ll tell you what I’m not gonna miss….  Matt Holliday.  A .295 average, 1 steal and 22 homers?  You know what that is?  A good season for Andre Ethier.  It’s not a good season for Matt Holliday.  Matt Holliday does more than that.  At least in my mind.  I’m not in your mind so that’s all I have to go on.  On the bright side, this injury didn’t cost a moth their life.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  When it comes to pitchers, the Braves are like a cyclops with a monocle.  I kinda want to own all Braves pitchers in keeper leagues.  Wrap me up in a big ball of Hanson, Minor, Beachy, Delgado, Vizcaino, Teheran and Kimbrel and put me in Leo Mazzone’s lap and rock me to sleep.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 44th save.  Now has 1.73 ERA, 0.99 WHIP and 120 Ks.  Member early in the season when you wanted to drop him?  Oh, you.

Alex Gonzalez – 2-for-3 with a homer.  After his 3-for-4 game on Monday, I was gonna mention how he binges on hits from time to time.  Well, I didn’t, but should’ve.  He’s now 8 for his last 11.  A’la Dave Hester, yuuuuuuuup!

Edwin Jackson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s gonna be in this afternoon’s borderline starter post only because he’s unowned in far too many leagues.  He hasn’t had a bad start in a month and a half.  His season ERA is 3.71.  Gallardo’s ERA is 3.66.

Rafael Furcal – Left the game with a strained left knee.  Furcal looks like a utility man with more name value, a futility man.

Derrek Lee – 3-for-4, coming a day after a homer.  Sure, his name anagrams to Elder Reek, but you’re not picking up the tab for his Early Bird Specials, you’re just picking him up.

Ben Revere – Stole three bases yesterday, now has 4 steals in the last two games.  Revere, “The steals are coming, the steals are coming!”

Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-3 with a steal.  He hasn’t hit a homer since August 3rd and is three for September, batting .120.  My best edumacated guess is his wrist is bothering him.  His Wrist, “I don’t appreciate the accusation.”

Johnny Cueto – Left yesterday’s game with a strained lat.  On the negative side of things, he’s probably done for the year.  On the bright side, all of his owners avoided his regression the entire season and he ends the year with a 2.31 ERA.  Be fun to watch Murray Chass draft him on all his fantasy teams next year.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-4 and his first steal.  Okay, I’ll stop with the Francisco love.  It’s like I’m seeing a double rainbow.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-4 with his 16th homer.   On a related note, the Reds excite me for next year.  Think about Yonder, Mesoraco, Cozart, Franciso and Frazier with Dusty figuring out how to get Edgar Renteria into the lineup.  If that doesn’t get your blood pumping, check your pulse.  You might be dead, but then I’d wonder how you’re reading this.  Maybe from now on I should address everyone as, “Guys, three girls and one zombie reader.”

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 Ks and the umpire ejected him for grazing Parra’s elbow.  He could throw a bloody ax at Parra and he shouldn’t be ejected when he’s vying for a Cy Young and throwing a one-hitter.  That’s it, all umpires should be replaced with robots.

Matt Wieters – Third straight game with a homer, now has 20 homers.  Do you see how quickly a catcher can make his season palpable?  You Ron Popeil your catcher and set him and forget him.

Jim Johnson – Earned the Orioles 4th straight save.  Okay, I get it; you’re the closer.

Nolan Reimold – Him and Chris Davis both hit a homer yesterday.  The Orioles should trade for Ian Stewart so all my past hopes and dreams can be in one place.

Mark Ellis – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Potatoes to chips, he also has 2 homers in the past week.

Joakim Soria – Has a stiff hamstring and is day-to-day.  Yesterday, Greg Holland went Dutch on the 9th inning with Tim Collins, but ended up with the save.  To preemptively answer your question, I’d take Jim Johnson before Holland.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 26th homer then left the game with a tight calf, which is less offensive than a loose cow.

Matt Moore – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  The top prospect came into the game and did a lot of nothing.  Means absolutely nothing, but here’s the number one reason why this late in the season I avoid top prospects in redraft leagues.  It’s not worth the hype.

Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3 and his 3rd steal in the last 4 games.  On a semi-related note, the White Sox outfield yesterday was Pierre, Rios and De Aza.  I get the feeling by the end of the year Ozzie’s going to kill someone.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 with the slam & legs.  That’s now 27 homers and 9 steals.  Not completely surprising with the steals, Scioscia likes to run.  “You can’t pitch around moxie!  Moxie doesn’t go through slumps!”  That’s Scioscia.  But with all that in mind, don’t see why Bourjos doesn’t have 40 steals.  Next year he will.

Cameron Maybin – 0-for-3 with his 36th steal.  I’m not sure what’s sadder, that Maybin’s batting third or that it makes sense that he’s batting third.

Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The understaffed Nats showed off their Peacock.  Pun point!  He’s actually been great in the minors with a solid K-rate and a 2.39 ERA between Double and Triple-A, but a rookie on the Nats…Eh, I’m avoiding for this year in mixed leagues.  In NL-Only, you obviously do what you do.  Also, he was listed in the top 50 fantasy baseball prospects post.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Homered yesterday.  If you feel like you’ve heard that before recently, it’s because you have.  He’s homered four times in the last week.

Brian Wilson – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and it looks like he might see some game action before the end of the season.  His fantasy owners and beard enthusiasts wait with bated breath and rugged looks.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th and 20th round trippers.  No relation to Jack.

Santiago Casilla – Got his third save yesterday.  Romo still hasn’t gotten one since he returned from the DL.  Cust kayin’.

Justin Smoak – Left the game with a groin strain.  This Justin, Smoak might be out for the season.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two Hollands and one roundup!  One should change their name to New Amsterdam.  Holland scares me because of his occassional start where he’ll go 2 innings and give up 5 runs, but he has been solid in 8 of his last 10 starts.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 26th homer.  On Tuesday I said, “The Other White Meat now has 2 homers in his last 4 games.  When he hits them, he hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Brett Lawrie – Collided hard at the plate with Jason Varitek.  That made for some interesting cinema Varitek.  Lawrie could’ve just slid and avoided the whole thing, then Lawrie left the game with a knee contusion.  #nahbuddy He looked fine after the collision.  Not F-I-N-E fine, but fine.  I’m not too worried, then again I don’t own him.  Muahahahaha…Wait, is that maniacal laugh aimed at me or you?  Hmm… Not sure.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Sawx.  I’m guessing the only fantasy owners with all 208 and a third innings from Romero are those that abandoned their teams in March.  What a waste.  Is there anything sadder than an abandoned team?  You look at a team in last with Roy Halladay and you’re like, “Man, I wish I could get Halladay.”  Well, now you can!  There should be some kind of recycling program for abandoned teams.  Every Tuesday and Thursday, ESPN, CBS or Yahoo goes through all of its teams that haven’t had any moves made in the last two weeks and puts those teams curbside for people to pick through. “Ooh, an Asdrubal Cabrera!”  That’s you.

Alex Avila – Hit his 19th homer yesterday as he bats .301 on the year.  Seriously, there’s a lot of catchers for next year.

Ryan Raburn – 1-for-2 with his 14th homer.  Now has 2 homers in the last three games.  It’s worth a looksie for power.

Roy Halladay – Threw a shutout in just over two hours.  Rafael Palmeiro had erections for a longer time.

With Nelson Cruz hitting the DL (I’ll get to that schmohawk), the Rangers called up Leonys Martin.  Martin could be a poor man’s Desmond Jennings, in other words he’ll be a 2nd ballot Hall of Famer, not 1st.  Martin has breezed through the minor leagues, starting in the Rookie league, jumping to Double-A and finally hitting Triple-A.  It’s called the “Julio Borbon-Endy Chavez-David Murphy Ain’t Doing Shizz From Shinola So We Need A Centerfielder” plan.  Martin has plus-plus speed.  Red Bull says Leonys gives them wings.  He could develop some power down the road, but I wouldn’t expect more than a homer or two with this call-up.  If you need speed in AL-Only or deeper keeper (hey, poet!) mixed leagues, I’d look at him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Nelson Cruz – Will be out for 3 weeks with his moans over his hammy.  Any Nostradumbass could’ve told you he’d be hurt at some point this year, but, seriously, this guy gets injured at least once every two months.  Let him play the field in a bubble.  He’s now getting a platelet-rich plasma injection to stimulant the healing process.  I think this was the same treatment they gave Caesar in Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

Adrian Beltre – The injury butterfly effect in Texas is supposed to get Beltre back on the field for Thursday.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4 as he was back in the lineup on Monday.  He wasn’t going to play, but Colletti showed up at his house and saw a mannequin in Ethier’s bed with a stereo simulating snoring sounds.

Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Yaghan people, the indigenous inhabitants of Tierra del Fuego, have a word ‘mamihlapinatapai’ that means a desire shared by two people that neither will act on.  If you ever notice when Kershaw pitches, he’ll look into the camera ever-so-slightly.  He’s looking at me.  We got mamihlapinatapai.

Shin-Soo Choo – Gonna miss up to two weeks with his aggravated left side.  And I’m aggravated with him, so we’re even.

Justin Morneau – Out with a sore shoulder.  After thinking about Morneau’s season, listening to Bon Iver cheers me up.

Randy Wells – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when I loved Wells about a year or two ago?  Yeah, this start was what I wanted.  Way to make a guy wait.

Jason Motte – Reporting it here first after inferring from other sources, Motte will see some saves.  La Russa said, “You give guys what they earn, and they make the decisions for you.  Now please donate money to PETA.  I have bunnies to save.”

Jamie Moyer – Rehabbing in Clearwater, Florida hoping to be ready for the start of next season.  I’m assuming he’s talking about the 2012 World Bingo Tour.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  A triumphant return from a 15-day DL stint sans spirit fingers.  I figured Hamels would be fine since he was supposedly healthy last week, but the Phils aren’t pushing the issue with anyone.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks vs. the Phils.  Took steel nads (or stunods) to start him here, but it turned out okay.  I still don’t trust him.  Will work on my trust issues during the offseason just in time for him to screw me next year.  See, I haven’t worked on them yet.

R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Dickey’s been H.A.M. for the last 8 starts.  Not many Ks, not crazy on the Wins, but solid ratios.

Alex White – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Eh, if you’re rolling a Rockie rookie pitcher out there, you probably deserve this start.  Sorry, it’s Tough Love Grey!

Gaby Sanchez – 1-for-4 while hitting his/her first homer yesterday since July 23rd.  She/he could be getting hot, but we’ll need to see more before adding him/her because Jose Lopez has been stealing a lot of his/her playing time.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Is it me or every time someone does something good on the Anaheim Really Isn’t That Close To Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels I expect the Sciociapath to bench him?

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER.  To think Michael Chabon wasted a whole book about this guy.

Cameron Maybin – Returning to San Diego for an MRI.  I know they have MRIs in Los Angeles, so it worries me that he’s going to San Diego for an MRI, unless he’s just a victim of a bad HMO.

Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, hitting .413 in August with 2 homers and 5 RBIs.  So, in other words, he’s getting hits but not a whole lot else.  It’s a’ight.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Has 93 Ks to 22 walks and a 1.21 WHIP in 133 2/3 innings.  Only drawback really is the A’s have about as much chance of wins as anyone going to see Moneyball besides baseball geeks.  You, “Hey, baby, I was thinking after Red Lobster we go see Moneyball?”  Your loved one, “Is that the one about Scott Hatteberg’s on base percentage?  I’d love to, sweetie!”   Yeah, that’s gonna happen.

Alex Gordon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 19th homer.  At first I couldn’t understand why he’s been batting leadoff for the better part of the season, but I think I’ve figured it out.  The Royals are so afraid if they mess with Gordon in any way that he’ll revert to being a bust.  Kid Cudi with kid gloves, I kid you not.

Billy Butler – 1-for-4, but whatever.  This headline just writes the joke for you.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-4 with his first homer.  Royals have committed to playing Perez for 140 games next year as their starter.  He’s 21, so I’ll say until he struggles they’ve committed to him.  As of right now, he’s not struggling at all.  Hitting near .400 over the last week and has some pop in his bat.  Worth a look in very deep leagues (read AL-Only or Sal-Only leagues).

Johnny Damon – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Wow, next thing you know he’s gonna make a throw to 2nd with only one relay man.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  I’m fully prepared to go all in for him next year while preparing myself for a bust.  Don’t bust, don’t bust, bust!  That’s next March, April and May Grey.  BTW, I’m thinking about changing my name to $rey only I think it works better for S’s.

Adam Lind – 1-for-5 with his 23rd homer.  Who was it saying they were done with Lind because of his slump?  Oh, everyone.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-3 with a steal.  I love…Wait, not strong enough.  I lurve when guys try and prove their worth by stealing bags.  Prove yourself, Viciedo, prove.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  Hold on, I need my 13-year-old niece to text me some exclamation marks.  13 Ks!!!!!  Wow!!!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer.  Guess he’s not hurt…In the literal sense.  13 homers isn’t exactly setting the world on fire like a good I Can Has Cheezburger meme.

Nick Swisher – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Has 77 RBIs and a .383 OBP on the year with 21 homers.  Really not an awful season.  Yes, when I say not awful instead of good, it’s not great.  Follow?

Alex Rodriguez – He called his thumb’s bluff with an MRI, but he still lost three to five days on the flop.

Derek Jeter – Missed yesterday and could miss the upcoming Sawx series.  In other news, Jeter and Minka Kelly broke up.  I guess Minka’s fine if you have less than 3,000 hits.  Same reason I started masturbating to hotter women after Razzball reached 3,000 page views.