Fantasy Baseball Advice

Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day.  Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up!  I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You!  Say hello to your mother for me.”  First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy?  Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s.  Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago?  He is absolutely raking in Triple-A:  .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games.  LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th.  You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon.  In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.”  You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter.  Okay, maybe that doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

The Royals physician diagnosed Danny Duffy with a torn UCL, which would mean Tommy John surgery.  In related news, Dr. James Andrews is filing a trademark lawsuit, saying he’s the only doctor that can shut down pitchers for longer than 60 days.  In sorta related news, Francisco Liriano is still waiting to come back.  In unrelated news, when Dr. James Andrews opens his milk, it goes bad immediately, then is good again in 280 to 360 days.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 1-for-4 as he hits .212.  I’m not pointing any fingers, but the ‘perts over at Yahoo owe some of you an apology for how high they ranked Gordon.  Tell them Grey, the ‘pert who told you to avoid Grandy and the .400 hitting Wright, sent you for an apology.  Write it in blood, Pianowski!  Elian Herrera was called up to replace the recently DL’d Juan Uribe.  In the minors, Elian was returned to Cuba to live with his father and now he feeds Castro grapes.  *checking notes*  Totally wrong Elian, mea culpa, my Latin American friends!  Herrera has crazy speed (33 steals in Double-A last year; 9 steals in 28 games this year).  He just ran into your room, tied your shoes together and ran out without you knowing.  Look down.  See?  For now, Herrera will play all around the field, but there’s rumors that he will take some playing time away from Gordon.  Mattingly said he doesn’t think Gordon needs to be sent down to the minors.  Okay, but it’s not good when it’s being discussed that a player might be sent down.  For now, I’d only grab Elian in NL-Only leagues, but it’s worth monitoring.  I’d continue to hold Gordon, but you might have to start figuring out a contingency plan.  Like standing outside of Dale Sveum’s house reciting reasons why Campana should get shortstop eligibility.  That would be one contingency plan.  Here’s your thinking.  Here’s the box.  Your thinking is not in the box, is it?

Matt Kemp – Headed to the DL with a hamstring strain.  Here’s some shorthand for, y’all.  When a player says under no uncertain terms that he will not land on the DL, petition your league manager to make him DL-eligible.  Kemp shouldn’t miss more than 15 days.  Yesterday, Bobby Abreu hit 3rd for the Dodgers in Kemp’s absence.  Lineups don’t get much ethier than that.  Lisper!

Desmond Jennings – On May 6th, he left a game with knee soreness.  The Rays said it wasn’t a big deal.  On May 7th, I said it was a big deal when a player needed to be lifted mid-game.  Now, over a week later, the Rays are putting Jennings on the DL after using him as a pinch hitter on Friday.  So he’ll be out another two weeks.  Is it too much to ask a team to not pinch hit a guy when he might need to go on the DL?  How is this ever a good idea?   Rhetorical!

Jeff Niemann – He’ll be out a few months after a comebacker fractured his fibula.  No lie.

Miguel Batista – 7 shutout innings against the Brewers.  Look who learned something at Dave Duncan sleepaway camp!

Brad Lincoln – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks with his third win as he outpitched Anibal Sanchez (7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks).  FMFBBL!  Lincoln hasn’t been good for ellipse ever.   His K-rate is inflated because he was working in the bullpen and he’s on the Pirates.  Outside of NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near him.

Daniel Nava – 1-for-2 with a homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 10 with 5 runs, 5 RBIs and a steal.  Here’s a short refresher about Nava.  He didn’t make his college team, worked as their equipment manager, finally played college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then was cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Maybe it’s all a ruse and Nava is a great prospect, who’s in the Witness Protection Program.  Just to be safe, he should have Marlon Byrd start his car for him.  For now, I’d grab him because he’s swinging a hot bat, but I wouldn’t expect much, even if that would make the perfect Nava script.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 as he hit his first homer.  After the homer, the Padres skipper tried to get it reversed, arguing there was too much pine tar under Harper’s eyes.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Padres.  Ross, I would’ve been impressed with less runs.  I don’t know why the pitchers I stream can’t put on their big boy pants.  I should’ve went with Brad Lincoln.  It’s all about the Lincolns!

Henry Rodriguez – 1/3 IP, 3 BBs.  Before yesterday’s game, Davey Johnson said HanK-Rod is still the Nats closer.  After the game, Davey didn’t have to say anything.  Clippard could see some saves, Burnett might see a situational save or two, and Rodriguez, well, it was an okay run.

Bryan LaHair – 3-for-4 with a slam (#9) and legs (#1).  Shhh, don’t tell him that this is all a dream.  Just glad someone benefited from the movie, Inception.

Josh Reddick – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer, and 5th homer in the last ten games.  His last name sounds like an STD and he’s burning hot.

Elliot Johnson – 1-for-2 with his 6th steal.  Member how we were all excited about Jed Lowrie a few weeks ago?  Well, here’s your newest MI hot schmotato.

Allen Craig – 2-for-4 as he hit cleanup.  Can we just assume he gets two hits in every game so I don’t have to keep writing about him?  Thank you.

Tim Stauffer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Returned from the DL after a month plus of a sore elbow.  Someone forgot to read the explicit directions on his elbows.  Don’t feed after midnight.  Don’t get wet and don’t, under any circumstances, pitch in away games.

Yonder Alonso – 2-for-4 to raise his average to .300.  He’s hitting cleanup and he has 7 runs and 10 RBIs and 1 homer on the year, so the average is pretty empty.  At least the average is good though, I’m farting in your general direction Aramis Ramirez.

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  From the comments, I noticed something about Hardy.  People can’t wait for him to cool off so they can drop him.  To the point where they’ll drop him even if he’s still hot.  Just get J.J. off people’s teams!  Sigh.  I wish I had him on all my teams.

David Robertson – Missed out on the save because of sore ribs that have lingered since Friday.  When Fred Flintstone had ‘saur ribs, he was only out of commission for a day (after uprighting his car).

Christian Friedrich – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Okay, it was against the Ain’ts in San Fran, but that would be a great start even against the Mariners.  Speaking of which, he gets them next.  Don’t mind if I do!

Troy Tulowitzki – Dexter Fowler hit a line drive that nailed Tulo in the leg.  Wait until Tulo finds out Dexter was using one of Ubaldo’s old bats.  Tulo stayed in the game, but then was lifted when he seemed to be favoring his leg.  As of this writing, it’s not known how long Tulo will be out.  Once someone tells me in the comments, I will let you all know.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Hang on, Cruz owners, because he’s about to go into turbo and hit 10 homers over the next 12 days and then pull a hamstring.

Eric Hosmer – 0-for-4 to lower his average to .174.  I’ll be organizing a pray circle for Hosmer’s owners at 4 PM at the Reseda Kiwanis Club.  After we meet there, we will be tracking down all Adam Dunn owners demanding they give us his stats.

Freddie Freeman – Threw in the towel in the 7th with blurred vision in his right eye.  He needed Bobby Cox in his corner to tell him to piss lightning and crap thunder.

Randall Delgado – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A few solid starts ago, I said monitor him.  Then a couple of solid starts ago, I said I’d pick him up in deeper mixed leagues.  Now, no more quantifying.  Pick him up.

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Uh-oh, this might be the beginning of the end for his fantasy usefulness.  Sad emoticon.

Addison Reed – He got the save yesterday because it was getting too predictable the other way around.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  The Mets decided to stick with their beleaguered closer and he rewarded their generosity by closing the door (after allowing a run).  Let’s see if you can guess what owning closers are similar to getting checked for:  Closers are completely nuts and after you grab them, they cough up runs.

David Wright – 1-for-3 with a run.  His average just dipped down below .400.  He’s a very good baseball player and I apologize I didn’t appropriately tout him during draft season.  May your piss and vinegar rain on my head.  Or if you looked at my slightly old draft sheet where I did tout him prior to his injury concerns, you’re welcome.

Yovani Gallardo – Still in the running for the most frustrating SP in the world.  Gives up only 2 hits in 6 IP vs the Mets and loses.  6 BB don’t help.  His ERA is still above 5, but it’ll be down sooner than his owners’ blood pressure.  Stay thirsty, Yovani.

Torii Hunter – Out for an unspecified amount of time as he deals with his son’s alleged sexual assault charges.  His son hopes to get this all cleared up and attend Penn State in the fall.

An action packed week is in store for ya.  I know you can barely contain yourselves. Every single team has 7 games this week. Add in the fact that the start of interleague play is upon us and it is like a delicious fantasy burrito.  I mean who doesn’t like a great burrito, besides vegetarians and really weird people who don’t eat burritos.  Okay, I’m back; I had to go out and get a burrito. Where was I…Ah yes, this week in fantasy baseball for two start starters.  Man, that is clunky.  Either way, lots of really good options this week, for both maximizing on starts with some of the lads I have listed, but also the streaming variety.  So be heady this week, and keep in mind that some of your lineup selections will be affected by the no DH factor. So enjoy the 210 games of baseball action this week and good luck.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/16

Felipe Paulino vs Bal – Hunter

Chris Capuano @ SD – Richard

5/17

Jerome Williams vs CHW – Axelrod

Phil Hughes @ Tor – Hutchinson

5/18

Drew Pomeranz vs Sea – Beavan

Scott Diamond @ Mil – Estrada

TWO START OPTIONS:

Ryan Vogelsong ( Col vs. White, Oak vs Ross) I most definitely cannot sing, I can whistle though.  I would certainly not whistle a Vogel of anything, regardless of what it is.  Well, if it’s a huge piece of ice cream cake maybe.

Jeff Niemann (@Tor vs Morrow, Atl vs Delgado) If I were Jeff, I would most definitely have name my son Marcus.  Just for giggles.  Nothing gets kids to make friends faster then torment.

Bruce Chen (@Tex vs Lewis, Ari vs Miley) I wish he had a sidekick cat named Spot and posed as a janitor when he wasn’t pitching. To me that would make the world a better place.   Just don’t tell Sergeant Flint he is a drag.

Joe Blanton (Hou vs Harrell, Bos vs Lester) He should change his name to Blahton. He really isn’t blah, but compared to the other SP options in Philly he looks like vanilla in a sea of chocolate.

Ross Detwiler (SD vs Suppan, Bal vs Hammel) Looking at his home ERA makes me smile. You know what else makes me smile, not having to type out Tom Gorz-what’s-his-name’s name.

Anthony Bass (@Was vs Strasburg, Ana vs Santana) He would look a lot sexier if both of these were at home. That and the fact that he has to face St. Rasburg.  Oh, and if he sang “Take me to the river.”

Jason Vargas (@Bos vs Beckett, @Col vs Friedrich) One of those guys that looks better on your fantasy team, then everyone else realizes. I hope he changes teams midseason and pulls a Fister, literally not figuratively.

Wade Miley (@LAD vs Billingsley, @KC vs Chen) ERA is better away from Chase Field.  I wonder if it has to do with the ATM fees when you’re not banking at home.

Paul Maholm (@STL vs Lohse, CHW vs Peavy) If you like to roll the dice then roll Maholm for 4 straight wins, 1 earned run or less in each start.  Just don’t tell Marmol that he has a lead because he will want to blow on those dice.

Homer Bailey (@Atl vs Delgado, @NYY vs Nova) I couldn’t hate a fantasy player more than this guy. Okay,  I just got yelled at by my mom who said hate is a strong word.  I told her so is assisted living.

Christian Friedrich / Alex White (@SF – Vogelsong / Lincecum, Sea vs Millwood / Vargas) Combined they form the super tandem of White Christian.  Separate they may pull off the same feat.  I’m not hear to judge, there is a total separation between church and stats.

Right now on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater the top outfielders are Hamilton, Kemp, Beltran, CarGo, Braun, Bruce, Jones, Grandy and then Bryan LaHair.  Now, I’m not saying LaHair doesn’t belong in that company– No, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  For 1st basemen, he’s currently above Prince Fielder, Votto and Miggy.  I know, you think of yourself as a brilliant NASA-level scientist who has been working on a pencil made of Doritos crumbs.  Your Dorito pencil will come to fruition; the sour cream and chive eraser is a great addition, but you didn’t plan on LaHair doing anywhere near this good.  If you own LaHair, you stepped in LaCrap.  Right now, a guy who people weren’t sure could make it in the major leagues is hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games.  The power isn’t totally bonkers.  He’s on pace for around 40 homers.  25 homers seems doable, maybe even 30.  The batting average is Jimmy Stewart’s rabbit, Harvey.  It’s Keyser Söze.  It’s your imaginary friend that you agreed to marry if you get to 40 years old and you’re both still single.  Right now, he has a .510 BABIP.  The only way he sustains that is if LaHair has some Zapped telekinesis power.  He wouldn’t even be able to sustain it if he hired Willie Aames to run on the field to distract the fielders.  (Willie charges $15/hour for this service if you want him for your softball games.)  His current K-rate (29.1) would have been third worst last year (or third best if you’re a masochist).   Right behind, Mark Reynolds and Drew Stubbs, two guys that are lucky to hit .240.  So if LaHair’s average drops 100+ points, at some point during that slide the Cubs are going to promote Rizzo and then LaHair’s really going to be in trouble.  I’m not saying sell him for a Jägermeister Jell-o shot, but I’d look at offers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Casey Janssen – Let’s get all of the SAGNOF’ers out of the way up front, shall we?  No reason to say we shall.  I can’t hear you.  You’re reading.

Addison Reed – Imagine getting behind Robin Ventura on a buffet line.  I think I’ll try the Matt Thornton, Reed, Sale, Santiago with a side of the Reed, Thornton, Sale, Santiago with a little extra Sale, Santiago– Just get the meatloaf and move on!  At least Ozzie had Joey Cora to carry his tray.  And massage his shoulders.  And manicure his cuticles.

Rafael Soriano – Robertson blows two more saves in the next five days and he’s lost the job or he settles in for the week and he’s the closer for the rest of the season.  It all hinges on this week, over-the-Internet friend!

Rafael Dolis – Okay, Random Razzball Commenter, since you’re gonna ask.  Dolis, Reed, Janssen, Soriano, Marlins Closer, Thayer, in that order… What?  Marshall’s also available?  Oh, geez.

Dale Thayer – The ex-Ray and Met farmhand as well as the star of the gay porn ‘Brian’s Thong’ is the latest bullpen project for the Padres with 2 saves in the absence of Huston Street.  Figure it’s his until he blows it or gets injured – which is the norm these days.

Steve Cishek – Edward Mujica, Ryan Webb, Heath Bell… You could have a team of all Marlins relievers.  You’d be dead last in your league, unless you played in the NL East, then you’d still have the Phillies below you.  Snap in the Wiz wit formation!

James McDonald – Old McDonald had a great K-rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh.  Now relatively new McDonald’s K-rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Old McDonald had a terrible walk rate e-i-e-i-e-i-oh-no.  Now relatively new McDonald’s walk rate is e-i-e-i-e-i-okay.  Six of one; half dozen of another.  Or e-i-e-i; e-i-oh.

Carlos Zambrano – You know how they take signed celebrity pictures and put them up in restaurants?  Why do I feel like in less than 6 weeks of the season there’s a picture of Big Z in every Cuban restaurant in Miami?   Signed Big Z, “Please consider adding a Cuban Sandwich with a Tres Leches cake in the middle.”

Christian Friedrich – I went over him the other day.  It went something like this, “Blah blah blah, good K/BB, blah blah blah, NL-Only, blah blah blah, next start against the Giants.”  And that’s me blah’ing me!

Brad Peacock – Google Brad Peacock and it returns the question, “Did you mean naked pictures of Grey talking about his favorite young pitcher?”  The A’s are rolling out guys right now that are blehtastic, and when Peacock gets called up, I’m gonna like him better than any other A’s starter, except McCarthy.  Yeah, even that damn Milone, sorry Diane.  Peacock is no streamer, even if it might sound that way.

Chris Johnson – Sticking with our newly established theme of commands an old man screams at the urinal when he’s trying to go to the bathroom, Chris Johnson has 4 homers in the last 10 days and his counting stats ain’t too shabby for an Astro.  Ruh roh!

Ike Davis – One of the first Sell’s of the year featured Ike Davis with a request for you to drop him.  Okay, now it’s time to pick him up.  There’s no flimflammery flip-flopping on fantasy first basemen (say that fast 117 times!), Davis was hideous, and now he no longer is.

Kyle Seager – Member back in March what you wanted from Dustin Ackley prior to your hopes and dreams being squashed?  Yeah, Kyle Seager’s doing that…Against the wind.  (Also, there’s a Kyle Seager fantasy to feast your eyes on.  I didn’t write it, but, if I had, I would’ve said the same thing, except switched out all the didn’t's to dinnit’s.)

Johnny Giavotella – Will share time at 2nd base and could run like crazy, and by ‘crazy’ I mean not always successfully.  Fist pump!

Andres Torres – For all of you Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters, he didn’t make the cut off of less than 50% owned as of yesterday at midnight.  At 11:59 PM, a few diehard Where’s Allen Craig At Commenters enlisted Anonymous’ help to hack into ESPN and push his ownership numbers to 49%, but Anonymous was busy taking down Pujols.  (They have a vendetta because he once said he liked the Interview with the Vampire movie better than the book.)  But, alas, I’ll make an exception inside this Torres blurb.  I’d pick up Allen.  I’d also grab Torres.  If you don’t know what Torres gives you, see Angel Pagan.

Josh Reddick – If you go to the top outfielders of the last 20 days, you’ll see Reddick amongst some pretty big names.

Andy Dirks – I just went over him this morning.  If you close your extraneous porn windows and scroll down, you’ll see it.

J.P. Arencibia – He’s not going to hit for average and power all year, but he is now.  Arencibia — that’s a one spicy catcher!

SELL

Alex Rios – Man, he’s like watching paint dry.  Not even an exciting paint color like forest green or periwinkle.  More like a beige.  Can’t drop Rios in all leagues, but in some shallower ones there’s gotta be better options.  Like Josh Reddick.  He’s better at this point.

Chase Headley – First rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t draft a Padres hitter.  Second rule of fantasy baseball:  Don’t tell any chicks you do this if you ever want to get laid again.

Lance Lynn – I told you to buy him before the first week of the season and he’s gone 6-0/1.40/0.85/37 in 38 2/3 IP.  I’d say we had a good run.  I’m not saying drop him before the Liquid Paper is thrown all over his stats, but you have to know it’s coming.  He has a 93.8% LOB and a .209 BABIP.  Right now, every ground ball down the line is hitting a base and bouncing to a fielder and he’s escaped more jams than a deaf kid at Jazz Fest.  I wouldn’t sell him for an all-expenses paid spa day in Tijuana, but I’d explore options.

I had high apple pie in the sky hopes for David Robertson, but no one is safe.  “There’s a storm a comin’!  Jebediah, should I bring the cows into the barn?”  “No, Gissley!  It wants our closers!”  “But I only have Juan Cruz!  And I’s not even sure he’s the set-up man”  “It doughs’cent matter!”  Really, really shocked by Robertson performance yesterday (2/3 IP, 4 ER), but I guess I shouldn’t be.  I’ve officially ‘learned’ Closepocalypse on my computer spellchecker.  If Soriano is out there in your league, I’d grab him.  The Yankees could flip-flop right back to him since he has ‘closer experience.’  You know, pulling the ol’ Robertson is just more comfortable in the 8th inning shtick.  At this rate, Fernando Rodney’s going to be the only $12 Salad next month.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Sale – This is a message from the Emergency Broadcast Network.  If you are a closer, just go for an MRI now.  You’re pitching with a torn tendon.  I repeat, you have a torn tendon.  So, Addison Reed might now be the closer on the White Sox, as Sale goes to get an MRI today.  Robin Ventura thought a good way to preserve an injured pitcher’s arm was to throw him into high-leverage situations.  I say that’s crummy with crackers, but what do I know?  I’m just a guy who has a hard time pronouncing the word ‘peculiar.’  If Reed is out there, I’d grab him immediately.  If Reed gets the closer job, he has a chance to be a strong Donkeycorn with $12 Salad upside.   To all of those who are reading Razzball for the first time, that last sentence wasn’t gibberish.  It only sounded like it.

Jeff Niemann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees in the House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built.  You got co-jo’s (I’m gonna start saying co-jo’s for cojones; hopefully, it works better than twelve after twenty).  I mean, big giant co-jo’s if you went with Niemann in this start, and your co-jo’s were rewarded.  Good co-jo’s.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer.  His first halves are so obviously hot every year, I’m sorta kicking myself for not owning Joyce.  (We should’ve got Beltran in at least one league, too.  That one hurts worse.  Eh, it’s Monday morning quarterbacking.  Beltran could be doing a Torii and vice versa.)

Casey Janssen – Got the save yesterday and will for the immediate future.  Doesn’t his last name look like a loveseat at Ikea?  Why do you have such crazy spellings and such comfortable furniture?  “If you want, I’ll sleep on the Janssen, and you can crash on the Wilhelmsen or Sogard.”  Eh, maybe it’s me.  Any the hoo!  Janssen is now the Blue Jays closer.  I doubt this will stick very long, but it wasn’t like Santos is on the DL with a chipped tooth.  WAPU!  (Where Available Pick Up — Note to self:  Acronyms aren’t that handy when I have to spell out what they mean.)

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks. Hey, I heard you were a wild one… Does Flo Rida rhyme Cus D’AMato in that song?  So Morrow is back to the crazy K/walk guy that I once loved?  I don’t get it, but I offered Rudy a bet that Morrow will have at least a 3.75 ERA the rest of the way, and Rudy didn’t jump at the wager, offering me back 3.50.  Whatever the case, he’s not staying at 2.27 ERA, where he’s currently at.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  He has 2 homers in the last week and is hitting over .400.  What’s your craptcher doing?

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  I wouldn’t say he’s alive yet (still hitting .179), but he definitely hit a homer yesterday (maybe while sleepwalking).  It seems pretty implausible that he has an average under .250 this year, so it’ll take a whole lot of tryin’ (and some hits) just to get up that hill.

Jeanmar Gomez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Hopefully not too many of you went for this Cleveland Streamer.

Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 2 H, 11 Ks.  He’s turned into the ultimate homeschooler since he’s become a Brewer.  Last year, his Home/Away ERA was 3.13/4.70.  This year, it’s 1.80/7.20.  Maybe someone can start packing Greinke’s blankie with him on road trips.

John Axford – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Kazaam!

Ryan Braun – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer to raise his average to .313.  Let’s do a first tier of the top ten check (which is kinda like a cup check but less stressful):  1. Braun — Fine.  2. Miggy — Fine.  3. Pujols — Maybe it’s not less stressful.  4. Votto — Maybe you hit for power.  5. Bautista — Well, Braun and Miggy are good.

Aroldis Chapman – Moved his record to 3-0 and his ratios to 0.00 ERA and 0.57 WHIP with 27 Ks in 15 2/3 IP.  Is there any other rotation Aroldis wouldn’t be a part of in the history of baseball?  The 1971 O’s?  The 1920 White Sox?  The 1889 Spiders?

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.12.  He’s in such a zone, right now every batter he sees he pictures Jason LaRue.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-4, as he stole 3rd base with two outs in a 0-0 game.  Later, Brandon Phillips stole 2nd with two outs in the 9th inning with Bruce at bat and the pitcher’s slot up next, which meant the other team would walk Bruce to get to the Reds’ best pinch hitter, Miguel Cairo.  Dusty Baker may be a lot of things, but he’s definitely a SAGNOF loyalist.  Who steals with Bruce up in the 9th inning with two outs knowing they’ll walk him?  So bonkers.  Why isn’t Buzz Bissinger following around Dusty Baker for one season to record his moves?  “Today, Dusty Baker had the infield play on the grass for five innings accidentally when he moved his toothpick to the left side of his mouth.”

Sean Marshall – Why do I feel like we should start calling the site Razzball:  All Saves, All the Time.  Marshall tried to blow yesterday’s game, but instead gave up a solo homer to Braun and Dusty pulled him, so Logan Ondrusek picked up the save.  Marshall’s been pretty bad (almost 5 ERA, 1.55 WHIP), so I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty does go to Chapman or Logan.  You can’t speculate on Chapman in any competitive leagues, because he’s owned, but there’s always Ondrusek — it’s the age of Ikea furniture!

Jonathan Sanchez – To the Disgraceful List.  We may never see him again in the under four epoch.  Or ERA, if you don’t have a grade schooler’s tendency to overuse a thesaurus.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  When the FIP meets the pavement, Johnson takes off.  I’m not totally convinced he’s fully around the corner, but he’s obviously no longer doing donuts in Garbageville.

Steve Cishek – Do you even have to ask what the new closer for the Marlins did?  Do you really need to ask?  Of course you don’t, but I’ll tell ya.  He blew the save.  It wasn’t totally his fault, but Mujica still may steal more glances from Ozzie’s Neck Towel.

Christian Friedrich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As previously mentioned the other day aforementionedly, I like Friedrich in NL-Only leagues.  His K/BB rate was very solid in the minors and now that he’s done what he did vs. the Padres, he’ll get the Giants next.  Yes, please and thank you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer.  Back from his cold sores, he’s got a hot bat.  Googler of “cold sores” + “hot bat,” we won’t judge you here.

Danny Valencia – Twins optioned him to Triple-A.  Twins are hoping to get Valencia going against lesser competition and split squad games are so Spring Training.

Francisco Liriano – Demoted to the bullpen because the Twins didn’t want their Triple-A team to get any worse.

Erik Bedard – Left the 2nd inning with back spasms.  Doesn’t sound too bad, so he’ll probably miss a month.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Giancarlo’s plus one for the 2nd Rounders Who Were Disappointing Party finally showed up.  Someone should ring up Hanley and Reyes so these flat breads don’t go to waste.

Joel Hanrahan – Got the save yesterday, but Hanrahanananananananan’s nananananananananana passed away and he will be out on bereavement this Friday.  Grilli or Juan Cruz could see saves this weekend.  In one league, I threw another closer on the Grilli.

Allen Craig – Hit his 3rd homer.  All he’s done is hit since his return from the DL.  Speaking of DL stints, Berkman’s due back Friday.  Playing time is a concern for Craig, but I’m thinking the Cards have to play him.  Your deity of choice knows their blahtoon at 2nd base isn’t working, so Craig could move there.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 4 ER to raise his ERA to 9.00.  It was a non-save situation, but I’m beginning to think by July there’s gonna be teams dialing up Alfonseca to close games.  Maybe they can get a six-finger discount.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 10th homer yesterday.  I was obviously wrong that Dunn was done.  Bunyan’s still got some lumber.  Big Donkey’s still deserves the brays.  Adam’s the apple of every fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who wants 30+ homers and a lousy average.  It was mocked when Ventura put Dunn in the three hole, but I’m not sure it was a stroke of genius or every move Ventura’s done so far is dopey, but if you throw enough shizz against the wall, something will stick.  And something will stink.

Tim Lincecum – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  On the bright side, there was only two walks and 8 Ks.  On the less bright side, it was two walks in only five innings and he gave up 8 hits and 4 runs.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.89.  It’s silly early to be saying this, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him in the Cy Young running, if he stays healthy.  Then next year, I’ll like him a lot and he’ll get hurt in April.

Drew Storen – Might throw this week putting him on schedule to return in early June.  I hope he has a setback because I have HanK-Rod in a few leagues, but that’s just me.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer.  Or 4 homers in the last week.  Maybe I should’ve dropped Zimmerman when he returned from the DL.  Things that make you go hmm…

Yoenis Cespedes – Has a strained muscle in his left hand.  The A’s are saying he can avoid the DL and could be in the lineup as early as today.  Michael Moore offered to take Yoenis back to Cuba for tests, but he declined.

Will Middlebrooks – Bobby Valentine said Middlebrooks won’t play the outfield, but will send him back to the minors when Youuuuuuuuuk returns.  Unless they can make Youuuuuuuuuk into gluuuuuuuuue.

Jason Vargas – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Marginer!

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  I’d put him in the same class as Big Z, Capuano, Dempster (a tad better) and Ted Lilly, i.e., more valuable on your team than what you can get for them in a trade.

Rafael Dolis – A 1-2-3 inning to get the save.  It was a pleasant alternative to Marmol save opps.  Those usually sound like “SuperCarlosfrigginMarmolpissshitjustbringinRafaelDolis…”