Fantasy Baseball Advice

Before the NAAPP, National Association for the Advancement of Polish People, write me, it’s not Polish, it’s polish.  Pa-lish.  Not Pole-lish… Oh, forget it.  David Murphy has a hit in every game this month and, with Hamilton out, he’s playing every day.  In the month of September, he has a .380 average, 2 homers, 3 steals, 10 RBIs and 7 instances of “Who the hell is David Murphy?” from fantasy owners.  Texas Rangers media guide has him listed as “That Guy” and a picture of William Fichtner.  When Murphy goes to the plate, there’s no song playing.  Know why?  Cause he’s unsung!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  I know the prevailing thought with Murphy is he’s a platoon player, but why does that have to be Murphy’s Law?  Well, because he can’t hit lefties usually but he is right now, so, like a trophy wife, own while hot.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Emilio Bonifacio – If you picked up Bonifacio in April of 2009 in your keeper then were abducted by aliens, your team’s looking good again.  The Xavier Nady pickup doesn’t look too bad either.  Though you may want to switch out Cantu.

Drew Stubbs – This guy’s value goes from Carlos Gonzalez to Carlos Gomez from at-bat to at-bat.

Michael Brantley – If you’re the kind of guy who draws a face on fruit right before you bite it just to show you’re in charge, then you know what I’m going to say, because I’m that guy too.  Brantley = SAGNOF!

Wilson Betemit – It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Mostly famine.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit out starting job.

Mike Aviles – Hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers and a 1 steal.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can drum up for him.

Clay Hensley – Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Oh, and he’s the closer for the Marlins.

Chris Sale – I went over my Chris Sale fantasy the other day.  Since then, Ozzie’s already ignored exactly what he said the day before, so is Sale the closer?  No idea.  If you can read Ozzie’s mind, you have my sympathy.

Juan Gutierrez – Has 5 saves this month.  SAGNOF!  And has only given up one run.  Incredible!

Carlos Zambrano – Right now, CZ is looking like a diamond and should be owned.

Chris Narveson – Never Nervous Narveson has been solid since the All-Star break and the same can be said about last year.  In fact, I just did.  Not looking past Sunday’s start, but I like him there as you see at the borderline starters post.

James McDonald – I’m starting to think I might draft him in some leagues next year.  Internal Monologue, “He pitches for the Pirates.”  Okay, I’m starting to think I might consider drafting him.

Ian Kennedy – Not entirely sure why he isn’t owned in more than 30% of ESPN leagues, but when you consider 95% of ESPN are abandoned, he’s actually owned in a whopping 125% of leagues, so good luck picking him up!

Chris Young – Not exactly sure when Cristall Young will be starting in Petco, but that’s when I’d start him.  Nowhere else unless you have a hankering for a spankering.

SELL

Josh Hamilton – I enjoyed this son of a gun (S.O.G.?) this year.  He did work, son.  Now he’s limping towards the ‘offs and the Rangers need him healthy so they aren’t going to play him much at all.

Gavin Floyd – You guys had some good times, which was invariably followed by bad times then good times then bad times — Make up your mind, Floyd!  At this point, I’d set Gavin a sail.

Phil Hughes – This could really go for a lot of starters that were good earlier in the year.  It ain’t earlier in the year anymore.  Kapeesh or no kapeesh?  ‘Stood or no stood?  Y’hear or no y’hear?

Justin Upton – J-Upside’s been sitting on his backside and, let’s be honest, he wasn’t exactly killing it T.J. Lavin-style even when he was playing.  You need to look elsewhere.

Leo Nunez – See 7 inches above or Clay Hensley or Hay Clensley.

Jimmy Rollins – At the rate his career is going, he’s gonna get batteries thrown at him at Citizens Flank in 2011 and cheered in 2012 when he returns with another team.

Mark Reynolds – A once heroic tale called, “Me and My Mini Donkey,” about a man affectionately referred to as Mini Donkey who hit homers, stole bases and struck out 200 times has turned sour.  Mini Donkey can’t steal bases because of nagging injuries and has zero homers and is batting .079 in September.  Then Robbie Williams, some guy no Americans have ever heard of, sued claiming “Me and My Mini Donkey” stole the chorus from “Me and My Monkey.”  Reynolds lost the case and he had to return his 2009 season.  A sad turn of events, indeed.

So far in this month of September, Troy Tulowitzki has 11 homers and 27 RBIs.  This is Hungrybear9562 owning Tulo in a H2H league this month — It’s a DOUBLE HOME RUN!  All the way across the sky!  OH.  MY.  GOD.  A double home run.  Wait, is this a triple home run?  No, it’s a double home run.  It’s beautiful.  *cries*  The only thing ever holding Tulo back is health.  If Tulo can stay healthy for an entire year… Well, look at his 2009 stats — 32 homers, 20 steals and a .297 average.  Next year, he’ll only be 26-years-old and hitters tend not to peak until the age of 27.  Yum with a double shot of gimme.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, still got love for him and am still willing to go to PTA meetings for Eric Young Jr. Jr., but it’s worth noting that he now has three errors in the last two games.  Barmes may see more time in the 2nd half of games as a defensive replacement.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks and his line looked even better before he left two men on for Beimel to let score.  He gets the Diamondbacks next and I’d start him there sans hesitation.  Or sansitation, for those that enjoy a good portmanteau.

Adrian Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Now hit ten more homers before the end of the season and we’ll be cool.

Chris Young – Will start on Saturday vs. the Cards in The Lou.  Would like this start better if it was in Petco.  Young had a 7.82 ERA in Away games last year and 5.27 in 2008.  Both years his home ERA was below 3.  Unless you’re desperate, I’d let him pitch from my bench.  Remember though, if he’s on your bench, don’t sit anyone short behind him.

Carlos Zambrano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I’m not a huge fan of Big Z, but he hasn’t thrown a bad start since he returned to the rotation on August 9th.  Really should be owned in every league.

J.A. Happ – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He obviously wasn’t a sub-3 ERA pitcher.  His luck was bound to run out in the landmark case of Sooner vs. Later.

Brandon Lyon – Well, the closer role in Houston got murkier yesterday.  Lyon gave up a run and blew the save then Lindstrom came into the 10th and gave up two runs.  Houston, we have a shituation.

Rickie Weeks – 2-for-5 with his 27th homer.  Weeks has more RBI than Fielder and more homers than Braun.  If I’d known that going into the year, I’d have put my life savings on the Brewers not making the playoffs.

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was in last week’s borderline starters and next week’s is coming this afternoon.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I would’ve loved to watch him, but my Direct TV cut out during the pregame (which is not pronounced like edamame).  So going on the box score, looks like Drabek wasn’t fooling anyone.  He’s young, doesn’t change how I feel about him for keepers or next year.  To gaze at my Kyle Drabek fantasy, go there.

Brad Bergesen – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Even a broken clock is right a few times a season.

Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunner, 7 Ks.  More incredibly, he actually got run support.  A’la Vicki Lawrence as Mama, “Well, I’ll be!”

Russell Branyan – 1-for-3 with his 25th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  No, really, that’s all he does.

Homer Bailey – Left the game with dizziness after allowing 3 earned runs and 5 walks.  Hey, maybe Oliver Perez is dizzy.

Drew Stubbs – 2-for-3 with his 18th homer.  You may want to put away sharp objects when you read this next line.  According to ESPN’s Player Rater, Stubbs has been as valuable as Matt Kemp.

Jason Bay – Said he’s feeling great and free of any post-concussion symptoms, but he’s still not coming back this year.  Canadians — Bay and Morneau — had a bad year for concussions.  What’s it called when a Canadian misses extended time from work?  A maple leaf of absence.  *sad trombone*

Jenrry Mejia – Left yesterday’s game with a strain in his shoulder.  Likely shutdown for the year.  No word if the injury happened when he was trying to roll the R’s in his first name.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 2nd straight game with a homer.  Yes, you should pick him up.  Yes, now.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Really was just a victim of an ill-timed grand slam to Maxwell, who is one sexy piece of chocolate… Wait, wrong Maxwell.  I’m still going to like Minor next year.  I know, up the down staircase, Sandy Dennis, but that’s how rookies do.

Phil Hughes – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve been saying this for about a month now.  You can do better than Hughes off waivers.  Duensing, for instance.  He’s been better.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Yankees.  I was about to write how no one got sonavabenched because no one owns him but then I looked and saw he’s owned in 93% of leagues.  Are you people crazy?  He has a 1.41 WHIP and 4.86 ERA after this solid start.  Even after this start, I’d drop him.

Dan Johnson – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  The Pride of Coon Rapids!  (BTW, there was discussion in Minnesota about changing the name of this city.  Some felt it was derogatory.  I think it’s too vague.  Change it to Coon Rabids.)

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-5 as he continued his hot hitting.  Own players when they are hot.  That’s my mottofacio.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Not doing a whole lot, but now has two homers in the week, i.e., two more than Prince Fielder.

Brad Lidge – 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Kazaam, as he generated a save for Jose Contreras.  Manuel changes his underwear more than he changes closers and that’s not a whole lot.

Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5, 2 Runs and 2 RBIs.  Hitting well over his last ten games and worth riding while hot.

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, he tweeted, “I pitched.  #sucky”

Chris Sale – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  Of course down 6 runs Ozzie pitches the guy who he just said was his closer.  Of course he does!  Why wouldn’t he?  I will now don a potato sack and walk into traffic.

Jaime Garcia – Early yesterday, the Cards announced that Garcia would be shutdown for the year.  Later in the day, the Cards announced he would be skipped one turn and be reevaluated.  Much later in the day, I wrote this.  Today, you’re reading it.  Tomorrow is Friday.  Yay!

Ryan Franklin – Heading home to deal with some personal issues.  I know what it meant when a girl in high school would go home with ‘personal issues,’ so I’m guessing Franklin has cramps and/or is pregnant.

Kyle Drabek, the Blue Jays top pitching prospect, was called up to start on Wednesday vs. the O’s.  Kyle Drabek is 24th on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  He has top of the rotation stuff and a good pedigree with his dad being the former Cy Young winner, Doug.  Or Guod if you’re dyslexic.  Or “Hey, look a bird,” if you have ADHD.  Well… Kyle Drabek had top of the rotation stuff.  Now he looks closer to a number 2 or 3.  His strikeout rate went from 10+ K/9 in A to 7+ in Double-A.  Word on the street is his velocity is down.  He’s obviously too young to write off.  Velocity could return with the gaudy Ks.  In keepers, I’d grab him in AL-Only, obviously.  In mixed league keepers, it needs to be deep for him to have any real value.  For this year, I’d be very cautious about starting him anywhere.  In his first two starts, he gets the M’s and O’s, or the Mo’s.  Not bad matchups, but starting rookie pitchers in the final weeks of the season is asking for trouble.  You just have no idea what he’s going to do in his cup of coffee, he may or may not get creamed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Adam Lind – 1-for-2 with 22nd homer.  I’m sorry, I will like him again next year.  I’ll love him if he can train with the guy who trained Zobrist in the winter of 2009 and Bautista last winter.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 1st steal in his 2nd start.  Unfortunately, it’s taken two weeks to get two starts.  If there’s any sorta keeper league where he’s available, you must own him.  Or my name isn’t Grey Posdnuos Albright.

Jay Gibbons – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last 3 days.  Crazy as this is, he’s the hottest Dodger hitter.  They should show him jumping around on the Jumbotron and call him, The Rally Honkey.

Casey Coleman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice, he’s still unownable.

Brennan Boesch – 0-for-1 with 2 steals.  What the– Oh, Jake Fox was catching for the O’s.  Unathletic like a Fox!

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week.  In that time, he has a hit in all but one game and a steal.  Wouldn’t say he’s the most exciting pickup, but what’s Pablo Sandoval doing right now?  Yup.

Brayan Pena – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Now hitting near-.400 in the last week as he plays every day with Kendall’s shoulder mercifully letting the Royals go younger.  Pena has little power, but he’s never hit below .300 in 4 seasons of the minors.

Paul Konerko – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 35th and 36th homers.  He’s also hitting .322.  Tomorrow… lassoing the moon!

Andres Torres – Going to miss about two weeks with an appendectomy.  When doctors said Torres is going to have something useless removed from his body, everyone in the Giants’ clubhouse thought the same thing, “What is Aaron Rowand doing in Torres’ body?”

Mat Latos – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure who’s madder, his H2H owners for him picking the worst time to be terrible or the Padres fans… Actually, I’ve only heard Padre fans existed, I’ve never met any.

Chris Young – Threw 5 2/3 IP in rehab.  He K’d Lindsay Lohan twice.  The Padres will be happy to get Young back.  Someone put the Tinactin on the top shelf and no one can reach it.  Also, the Padres could use an innings eater.  If Young gets starts, which I think he will, he’ll be worth using depending on the matchup.

Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He now has a month of quality starts under his belt (and shot an elephant in his pajamas).  Kennedy gets the Pirates next.  That’s a “Yes,” and “Please.”

Justin Upton – Diamondbacks are shooting for an early this week return for J-Upside.  Keep in mind that if one setback occurs, they’re not going to risk Upton’s future.

Milton Bradley – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to March.

Josh Johnson – Didn’t need to be Nancy Reagan’s astrologer to see this one coming.  Johnson’s not coming back this year.

Emilio Bonifacio – 3-for-4 with a steal.  He’s now batting around .500 in the last week with three steals in the last three games.  Bonifacio’s capable of about a two week hot streak.  I’d get aboard in all leagues for the next week.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with 2 more homers to bring his season total to 20 in 291 ABs.  Bill James’ 2011 projection for him will be… 40 homers?  42?  45?

Clay Hensley – Three games, three saves.  Should you pick him up?  Do your pits smell like onions?

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Nice audition, but Yankee rotation casting callbacks won’t happen until December.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3 with his 3rd steal in the last week.  Borbon has 2 steals in the last ten games.  Maybe Washington finally cut the brake line.

Josh Hamilton – MRI showed he has bruised ribs.  Yeah, no shizz.  Still no word when he’ll return, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s not until the final week of the season.  Baby’s black balloon deflates.

Jordan Zimmermann – 3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Marlins.  That’s so bad I wouldn’t start him anywhere the rest of the year unless your shituation was dire.  I mean, c’mon, Charlie Hough wearing a Wolverine Mechanical Claw from Toys R Us could strike out more Marlins.

Raul Ibanez - Hit a homer yesterday and is batting over .400 in the last week.  Giraffe’s gestation period is shorter than it took Ibanez to get hot, but he’s there now.

Jimmy Rollins – Went for an MRI on his hammy while his owners feel like they got a yearlong whammy.

Johan Santana – No disrespect to our Al-Qaeda readers, but you had to be in a cave if you didn’t hear Johan’s headed for shoulder surgery.  He may not even be able to make it back for the beginning of next season.  Sounds a lot like Brandon Webb from this past preseason.  Knowing the Mets, it’ll be announced that Johan will return by April 15th then he won’t pitch until July.  I’m sure January Grey will have his take in the 2011 rankings.  January Grey, “Stop with all the pressure!”

Coco Crisp – Has 7 steals in the last 4 games (6 steals against the Red Sox in the last three).  Hello, V-Mart.  Goodbye, 1st base.

Josh Beckett – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has a 5.38 ERA on the year.  His FIP is over a run under his ERA and his K-rate is over 8.  It may not be glamorous to say, but I could see Red State Jeter having a bounce back next year.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has a 3.04 ERA with the Angels.  Looks like he’s finally figured how to combat the 2nd half swoon.  Just pitch terribly in the 1st half.  Okay, close your eyes for a second.  Don’t worry, I won’t pickpocket you.  Now imagine Haren has a good 1st and 2nd half.  Ahh…

Hideki Matsui – 1-for-3 yesterday, hitting near-.450 over the last week with pop.  He then wrote a thought bubble above his wife that read, “Godzilla is so dreamy!”

We are making a double switch today.  Rudy is taking the husband slot which will probably bench him for a few years; Grey is taking the best man slot that will put him in the reliever role and I’ll be taking the cleanup spot for today.  If I’m wearing a titanium sombrero after this, just remember Cinco De Mayo is closing in and I’m probably drunk. And while you’re reading the ramblings of a drunk man, you might as well go over to the nether regions of Razzball and check out my football ramblings.

My Mauer’s heel is my love for deep fried twinkies. Joe Mauer‘s is actually his heel.  Gardy says he is week to week, but now I’m hearing day to day, but any way you look at it a heel injury is tough on a catcher.  I don’t want to channel Grey and say I told you so, but I will if you cross me.  His home runs are down so far and with this bruised heel that number isn’t going to rise any time soon.  While you revel or despair in Joe Stud’s injury let’s take a look at some other happenings in the wide world of baseball:

Curtis Granderson — He’s been put on the DL with a grade 2 groin strain.  It wasn’t until grade 5 that my groin started straining.  Grandy could be out up to a month.  His replacement(s) aren’t going to help you since their names are Randy Winn and Marcus Thames and they’ll be splitting time.

Andre Ethier — With Matt Kemp’s blazing start Andre has been lost in the ether (see what I did there?).  With 4 donks in the last 3 games he doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.  If you’re at dinner with Andre, don’t order dessert just yet.

Johan Santana — The Phillies teed off on him in Philly last night.  Shizz happens.  It’s Utley, Howard and company and it’s in a mini-stadium.  Might as well send an offer or two out to see if you can pry him away from a disgruntled owner.

Alfredo Simon — I’m a big fan of his sauce and now of his SAGNOF, mmmmm SAGNOF.  Mike Gonzalez is still three weeks away from possibly, maybe, returning and Simon has pitched well.  Simon says, “pick me up!”

Zach Grienke — He continues to get Grienke’d but good.  In his last 85 starts, he has a 2.86 ERA in 540 innings with 32 wins.  His team’s offense hasn’t been God-awful this year, but they’re moving into that realm, which is where the middle relief has been dwelling.  Those two should have a good time continuing the Greinke’ng of Greinke.

Josh Beckett — Looks like he’s coming around.  Why were you worrying?

Justin Verlander — Look up at Beckett, check it.

Alex Gordon — He’s been optioned to AAA and that doesn’t come with all those perks like 10% off Motel 6 and the roadside assistance.  If you took a picture of Grey right now he’d look like the Native American after that jerk threw trash out the window.

Doug Fister — Fister got fisted by Aardsma and the end result was a hard core Greink’ng.  What’s this guy doing?  It’s hard to trust him, but you have to respect his results.  He’s loving Safeco where he has pitched 23 innings, given up 9 hits, 1 walk, and 1 earned run.  He is a prototype for a sell high, but if you can’t get anyone to bite, I’d stick with him at home and be careful on the road.

Edwin Jackson — Grey warned you and now I’m here to rub it in your face some more. (And mine too since I just dropped his arse.) I watched this last game against the Cubs and Ed couldn’t get the ball near the catcher’s glove, leaving pitches up and in all kinds of wheel houses.

Austin Jackson – Now this is a Jackson I can support! The kid just keeps on hitting and K’ng, but more hitting! He leads the league in hits with 41 and his average is pee eightch a tee.  He’s a sell high, just cuz, but he’s fun to watch!

Tom Gorzelanny — K’d the D-backs 10 times which is a career high. This would be great news for Tom if he wasn’t facing the free swinging D-backs.  He’s a spot starter at best, but if you have a schmohawk lefty you want to start against Arizona you have my blessing.

Alfonso Soriano — And you thought he was going to carve a permanent butt groove on your bench.  In his last 10 games Soriano has 5 HRs, 14 RBIs and six walks.  The walks are nice to see for the swing at every slider away Soriano.  As the dearly departed country singing sage Jerry Reed said, “when you’re hot you’re hot and when you’re not you’re not.”

Jimmy Rollins — He is still feeling tightness in his calf and should be out another 2 weeks.  Jimmy likes teasing you with a great start.  Jimmy wants you to suffer.  Jimmy blames Kramer for his injury.

Brian Roberts — His time table to return is looking worse than my times tables in the 3rd grade.  I have a  “7 x 8 = 56″ tattooed on the back of my hand.  There actually is no time table for his return.  You have to hold onto him, but try to forget he’s on your team.  It will be like finding a twenty dollar bill in your back pocket when he returns, or a nickel, depending on how he plays.

Stephen Strasburg — He’s been promoted to Triple-A and as soon as Livan Hernandez returns to his hometown of Schmoville it will once again burn your eyes to look at the Nat’s pitching stats, which in turn will get the S.S. Cy Young rigged and shipped out to D.C.

Nick Markakis — Sparkakis! He’s turning his shizz around.

Paul Konerko — He’s up to 12 donks for the year.  Ride his donkey-donks for as long as you can.  He could be a sell-high candidate, but his name doesn’t inspire much over-hype at this point in his career.  He’ll be solid enough for you, especially at whatever bargain basement round you drafted him in.

Rafael Furcal — There’s a good chance he’ll be DL’d if he can’t go today.  Very bad news for his owners since he looked like he was back.  Tweaking your hammy isn’t anything like pinching your pet pig’s nose, but both might land you on the DL.

Jon Garland — Hodgepadre strikes again!

Jhoulys Chacin — Pitched well against the Giants on the road.  Against a good team in Colorado you will see different results.  He gets the Dodgers in his next go around. His name is pronounced “Yo-lease,” so I’m guessing he was named after Bart Simpson trying to get his sister’s attention, but I could be wrong.  He is talented, but will have a lot of rocky starts (get it, Rockies?)

Rod Barajas — He must revel in facing his old team (who he played a whopping 48 games for).  Three Donks in two games.  He’s blown his wad.

Jaime Moyer — I can only think of Eddie Harris every time I see him pitch. His hair did look a little greasy.

Kerry Wood — Chris Perez might not want to give the closers’ role back, but Wood will get the opportunity.  So what are you waiting for?

Daisuke Matsuzaka — Not much has changed for Dice-K.  People still can’t spell his name and go with the “Dice-K,” instead.  If you start him you’re rolling the dice, K?  He did have a nice outing for Grey this week, but it was in our Razzball league.

Chris Young — He was blasted in Double A and couldn’t get out of the first inning.  I’m holding judgment for now.  It was his first start back and he is a Hodgepadre.

Trevor Hoffman has been lights out all year.  Maybe he jumped in the Cocoon pool.  Octavio Dotel?  The post office said they’re going to a five day week because of cutbacks and the amount of fan mail coming in for Dotel.  Now hold the preceding up to a mirror.  Dotel as a Pirate has done nothing except plunder his fantasy owners’ goodwill.  Even Roger ain’t Jolly.  The Hoff looks drunk.  And Trevor too.  The pickups for this duo of dud is Carlos Villanueva, Joel Hanrananananan, Brendan Donnelly, Evan Meek, Hawkins, Coffey, Shelley Duvall, the guy at Subway that kinda skeeves you out, the Polish Sausage in the 7th inning stretch race and Cher.  Pick them up in that order.  For full disclosure, I grabbed Hanaranananan because Villanueva was taken in all of my leagues.  I didn’t go deeper than that.  Some shituations just aren’t worth the ulcer.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Jones – 2-for-7, 1 RBI.  After his first four at-bats yielded 4 Ks, Robot really turned it on.  Fool him 5 times, shame on Robot.

Andrew McCutchen – 4-for-7 and 2 homers for The Dread Pirate.  Now has 3 homers and 10 steals as he bats .303.  This might come as heresy, but The Dread Pirate could be a 3rd rounder next year.

Juan Gutierrez – Converted his first save.  Qualls was unavailable even though he hadn’t been used in two days.  I’m suspicious.  And, yes, I’m wearing a monocle.  Closers don’t just turn up unavailable in a one run game.  There’s something here.  I’d own Gutierrez over the Villanueva crapfecta that was listed in the lead-in.

Kelly Johnson – Hit his 8th homer of the year to lead the major leagues.  I pushed everyone to draft this guy from the moment he was traded to the Diamondbacks.  Where’s the love?!

Carlos Gonzalez – Hit his third homer and stole his third base.  It’s weird, it’s almost like he wants to get to 20/20 in the same game.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-6, homer and a steal.  Love that, love the Rockies.  I am Eskimo kissing my fantasy baseball team.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-4, I don’t even like him, but he appeared in last week’s Buy/Sell as a Buy and he’s now hitting, like, .300 for the last five days.  BTW, Rudy just traded Cody Ross for Coghlan in his NL-Only league.  Rudy also traded in his Winger CDs for a previously worn Band-Aid.  Doode’s a trading machine!

Jorge Cantu – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer as he took the lead in the National League in RBIs.  He’ll be in tomorrow’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is oddly enough the wrong side.  Speaking of Sells…

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  Yup.

Brandon Inge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs with a homer.  He hits ‘em in bunches.  Now has a bunch of three in the last 3 games.

Scott Baker – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Last year, his 1st half ERA was 5.42 compared to 3.28 in the 2nd half.  Maybe he just takes forever to get going.  Whatever the case, I’d look elsewhere.  Not that you need me to tell you, but Baker’s cooked.

James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Shields pitches well in Florida.  He do what he do.  In the preseason, I absolutely refused to own Shields because of his soul-crushing 2009.  I figured I could get out without any regrets.  Of course, Shields has pitched well and threw a wrench in those plans.  Sonavawrench!

Jon Lester – Threw a seven inning one-hitter with 11 Ks.  Last Friday, I wrote, “If (Lester) doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!”  Too late.

Jake Fox – Caught his 5th game yesterday.  I haven’t talked much about him because he’s hitting .175 with one homer.  Worth noting though in AL-Only and 2 catcher leagues.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 Ks, 13 baserunners as he took your WHIP for a ghost ride.

Ryan Madson – Blew the save and got the Win.  Such a Cuddle Boy move.

Jimmy Rollins – Began a running program. The name of the program is, “J-Roll Rolls.”  Some discarded titles were, “Hurry, Juan Castro Is Starting,” “You Were Drafted In The 2nd Round In Fantasy, Doesn’t That Mean Anything To You?” and “It’s Always Runny In Philadelphia.”

Luis Atilano – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners.  He has 5 walks and 2 Ks in 12 innings.  Don’t even think about picking him up.

Matt Capps – Capps has been quite possibly the only closer to, ya know, convert a save all year as he picked up his 10th save yesterday.  SPOILER ALERT:  In next week’s Closer Look, Capps is crowned a Donkeycorn.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hey, I ain’t mad at cha, but how about you just go on the DL?

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 1.04 ERA on the year.  No reason why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues at this point.

Mike Leake – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not as bullish on Leake as I am on Garcia.  Leake’s walks are a mess.  Currently, he’s rocking a 18:15 K:BB.  Rocky road ahead, use caution.

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.78 ERA on the year.  He’s been a tad lucky with men on base.  (BTW, Tad Lucky would be an awesome male porn star name.)  Dempster’s probably closer to a mid- to high-3 ERA guy.  He’s no Carlos Silva, that’s for sure.  Take that however you want.

Chris Young – Had his rehab start pushed back due to achiness.  Uh-oh, someone call the giraffe doctor.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-5 as he hit his 6th homer and bats near .400.  Not to totally flip you out, but this great April is coming from a guy who’s usually a slow starter.  Yo, Big Chief Lambreaux, let’s start a parade!

Jorge Posada – After getting hit on the knee, Posada was lifted from the game by Girardi.  Weird, cause Girardi doesn’t even look that strong.  Posada will probably only miss a game or two.

Gordon Beckham – Got the night off to get his head straight.  Ozzie announced the move on his Twitter account by saying, “Something stinks.  Not fingers.  It’s Beckham.  He sits.”

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners with 5 BBs and only 2 Ks.  Since you read Razzball, you probably don’t own Harden.  Good for you, because even the starts where he limits runs don’t look right.  If you can somehow confuse someone in your league that this was a good start, trade Harden.

Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the save.  This save actually makes me want to own Frank-Frank more.

Matt Kemp – In the NL, he’s tied for 2nd in homers with 7.  He’s tied for 3rd in RBIs with 20.  He’s batting .292.  Why am I telling you this?  Because yesterday Dodgers GM Ned Colletti said, “(Kemp’s defense is) below-average.  If this is the last day of the season and people are voting for the Gold Glove, his name is not even on the ballot.”  Yeah, he’s no ex-Colletti signee, Juan Pierre.  What a putz.

John Ely – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looks pretty average.  Dropped about a K/IP as he moved up in the minors, which puts him around a 6 K/9 in the majors if the trend continues.  His control should be better than he showed in yesterday’s game, but still he’s an avoid outside of deep NL-Only leagues.  On the bright side, he has better hair than Dennis Farina.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4 with his 6th RBI and now is batting .355 since his call up.  Maybe Ike is a slap hitter.

John Maine – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Well, it is blueberry season in Maine.  I don’t buy this start.  Have Maine call me in 2011 and I’ll reevaluate.

Jose Reyes – I was watching the Mets game yesterday and Pagan and Cora came up and then Reyes came up and I was like, “Where’s the pitcher between Cora and Reyes?”  Interesting experiment, Mets.  Now fix your lineup!  I mean, I’ve heard of batting the pitcher 8th, but I’ve never heard of batting the bottom of your order at the top.  Stop making me think there was a double switch in the 1st inning.