Fantasy Baseball Advice

Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated.  BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out!  And invest in Microsoft!  Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers.  Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile.  Smiles are totally underrated.  You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13.  I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.

Yovani Gallardo – In 8 innings, threw a one-hitter on Saturday.  To misquote Positive K, Gallardo’s a headache, now he’s an aspirin.  Hopefully, he’s turned a corner this time and not just a U-turn back to crap.

Jason Bourgeois – To the DL.  That was a fun SAGNOF ride, right?  Haven’t been that excited about a SAGNOF’er since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases in 2003 with nothing but a cheap pair of Keds and steroids.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, who is supposedly the Blue Jays manager, said Francisco is the primary closer.  If you mix a primary closer with a primary set-up man, it makes the color blue.

Jose Bautista – Returned and hit a homer.  At season’s end, Bautista will meet in front of a congressional committee for making me look bad.

Vicente Padilla – 1 IP, 1 ER as he secured his 2nd save but he’s already showing signs of the rough waters that once sank Padilla’s flotilla.  I’d continue to hold Kuo and Jansen, in the non-sexual way.

Andre Ethier – Finally went hitless on Saturday, but returned with a 2-for-4, home run day on Sunday.  Alyssa Milano gave him a hand for three straight minutes.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, now has a 2.11 ERA.  Yeah, not sure why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues for right now.

Roger Bernadina – He’s back!  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say I appreciate you still using an exclamation mark when saying Bernadina’s back.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Omaha Steaks by my door?  It’s missing.”  Riggleman, who’s not related to Jigga man, says Bernadina will play every day.  All Bernadina needs to do is hit and he’ll block Ankiel upon his return.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Their Ks are not the same, but Anibal reminds me of Buehrle.  You get nothing, you get a near perfect game.  You don’t get nothing, you get nowhere near a perfect game, triple negatives be damned.

Hanley Ramirez – Edwin Rodriguez, who’s currently posing as the Marlins manager, had a terrific quote that should be inspiring to Marlin players and fans alike.  He said, “(Hanley) will stay there in the third hole until we get another option.  There are not too many options.”  It’s not easy to insult your entire team while offering no hope.  He’s the Knute Rockne of baseball managers.  One day his Cooperstown plaque will read, “When Edwin Rodriguez faced adversity, he threw up his hands and offered no solutions.  Instead, he passive-aggressively blamed others.  It’s actually a little weird that he’s in Cooperstown with a losing record over a two-year span of coaching.”

Gaby Sanchez – 4-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .328.  Too bad he’s apparently not capable of the three hole.

Nelson Cruz – To the DL.  Hey, at least he got his first DL stint out of the way.  Now he only has three more stints to go.

Chris Davis – Will see more playing time with Nelson Cruz on the DL.  Bill James has to have his inseam taken out.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals in his last six games.  Could be a quick fill-in for those that lost Bourgeois, which also led to the fall of the Soviet Union.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looks like vintage Bedard, which means he’ll be injured any day now, but he should still be owned while we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (and injure him).

Sam Fuld – 1-for-5, now batting .248.  I actually meant to include him in Friday’s Sell, but shizz got away from me.  Potatoes to chips, Fuld looks done-zo.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-2, hitting .187.  Brian Roberts hitting .221; Markakis hitting .227; Lee .233; Vlad .267; Scott .253; Jones .250, Wieters .232.  The O’s are staying true to their name.

Carl Crawford – Since I told you to buy him, he’s hitting around .400.  Cust kayin’.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the hangover cure slam & legs.

Pedro Alvarez – Won’t need a trip to the DL…But will need 15 days on your bench while he recovers.  Just when you thought Alvarez couldn’t make you hate him anymore, he goes and gets hurt but not put on the DL.  Stop eating red velvet cupcakes and play baseball, you douchetard!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has only 2 earned runs in his last 18 innings, 16 Ks to 7 BBs while lowering his ERA from 10.13 to 5.65.  Looking like that preseason sleeper that we thought he’d be.  And by we, I mean me and the rest of my graduating class from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.

Kendrys Morales – Going to Colorado for a 2nd opinion on his ankle.  Gotta love how major league teams conduct business.  He’s being paid three million this year, yet it took months of him being unable to run to seek a 2nd opinion.  What’s he got, Medicare?

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve gone hot and cold on Chris Narveson, which sounds like the Christian name for The Noid and is beginning to act like it.  Just hard to get confident about a guy who gets hit by the Astros and pitches fine vs. decent teams.

Lance Berkman – 1 for his last 11.  Better get back in the DeLorean.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Same shizz as Narveson, except his K:BB is 22:15 in 43 2/3 IP.  At any point, Dave Duncan’s abracadabra could leave an abracadaver.

Fernando Salas – The Cards “closer,” Salas, relieved the Cards “closer,” Eduardo Sanchez.

Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Team ERA of 2.69 and that’s with their crizzappy closer.  Get on board with all the Oakland A’ces, they’re your American League hodgepadres.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6, 2 homers and a steal.  Some may view this as Jeter is finally coming alive.  I thought that too until I stroked my mustache a few times.  This is Jeter’s owners opportunity to finally sell him for value.  This is one game.  Even if Cap’n Jeets comes alive for a week or two, he’s still not going to return to the player he once was.  Mustache, “You’re welcome.”

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, three runs, two RBIs, one home run, zero idea what A-Rod sees in girls with manly faces.

Chris Young – Headed to the DL with shoulder tightness.  I didn’t even know giraffes had shoulders.

Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS.  On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out.  I don’t think this ends well for Nathan.  Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that.  No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise.  But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back.  Chillax!  Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.”  But, well, that didn’t happen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a Duensing machine!  Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues?  Yes, but I don’t trust him.

Chris Young – To the DL.  He’d be a Bennis Carpensheeter if he had better game or less gams.

Grady Sizemore – Member in 2009 when his injuries started?  Of course you don’t, that’s why I’m here.  He hit a home run the day before he went to the DL.  Then returned and hit a homer in his 2nd game back.  Then variations of bupkis for two years, so don’t overrate his homer in his first game back.  It’s nice and all but if you think he’s back for good, you’re only fooling yourself.  And when you’re fooling yourself, you make a fool out of ING, or whatever that cliche is.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .196.  Might be a day late and a dollar short for this, but, even though I wasn’t a huge fan of Supernatural in the preseason, he’s only going to get better.  I.e., Buy low.  (BTW, Santana’s been crizzap, Choo is batting .214 and Sizemore just returned to the lineup, yet the Indians are 11-4.  Quick, someone wake up the Comatose Indians Fan.)

Travis Hafner – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I don’t buy a resurgence here.  If you pick him up, you’re getting Pronk’d.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Control-Alt-Ignore.

Jhoulys Chacin – Complete game shutout on Friday.  I kinda love Chacin and his 150-point-in-Scrabble first name.  To misquote the most overrated group of all-time, don’t hide your love of Chacin away.

Roy Oswalt – Good news from the Oswalt camp, which is group of twelve guys who look like Ralph from Survivor living in the Ozarks without running water, he should make his next start.

Charlie Morton – Sonavabench!  Complete game on Friday with the only blemish being Jay Bruce’s homer.  Double sonavabench!  It’s raining sonavabenches!  Someone make the sonavabenches stop.  Please!

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3 with his 3rd homer.  I said in the preseason that The Dread Pirate was Crawford two rounds later.  Luckily, he’s been nothing like Crawford.

Jose Tabata – I’ll take a coffee with three creamers, tomahto juice, but I don’t want just any tomahto juice, I want Mr and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary mix and, finally, a slam and legs.  Thank you.

Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks with four first inning runs.  Seriously, have Cordero start Edinson’s games.

Jay Bruce – 4-for-5 yesterday and his 2nd homer since I told you on Friday to buy him.

Jonny Gomes – Yesterday, hit his 6th homer, third this weekend and a lot more homers than that other guy you have on your team.  Yeah, him.  And him too.

Phil Hughes – In what I believe is our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  You gotta be pretty terrible to get put on the Disgraceful List this quickly.  Let’s see what I said in January about Hughes, “Know when I’m going to draft Phil Hughes?  After he’s traded away from the Yankees.  Nothing personal.  He just had the 2nd worst fly ball rate in the majors and he plays in The House They Built Next To The House That Ruth Built.  Just can’t draft that headache.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!  So who you blaming for drafting Hughes?  You ain’t blaming me.  Blame that Best Buy salesman that knew nothing about the TV you wanted to purchase.  Blame the barista that left no room for milk.  Blame your 7th grade teacher for making you stay after and saying that you and him had chemistry.  Just don’t blame me.  Know who else you can’t blame?  Rudy.  He put him on his risky pitcher list.  If you drafted Hughes, to quote the airplane version of one of the best movies of all time, Menace II Society, “You done messed up. You know that, right?”  To quote the TV-edited version of yourself, “I HAVE HAD IT WITH THIS MONKEY FIGHTIN’ HUGHES!”

Chad Billingsley – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks.  I really needed this start from Bills on so many teams.  I love you, Bills.  Write back soon!

Ryan Franklin – 4th blown save and has an ERA of 11.57.  Can’t spell Franklin without FAIL.  La Russa should replace Franklin with Motte or Mitchell Boggs, CPA.  Probably in reverse order.  Now whether La Russa does this is anyone’s guess.  On Saturday, La Russa said, Franklin is our closer and now excuse me while I go feed my scarf.

Andres Torres – To the DL.  In a day when I feel the need to bathe myself in my prescience, here’s what I said about Torres in January, “On one hand, you want to believe Torres’ 2010 was fluke.  On the other hand, you think he can repeat.  On a third hand that is actually just a foot wearing a mitten, you don’t know what to make of Torres’ last year.  I hear you, loyal Razzball reader.  It’s a pickle, I tell ya.  Here’s my take, Torres has 10+ homer power and 25+ steal speed but he’s also injury prone.  It’s one of the reasons why he’s so old and just now bursting on the scene.  I’d pay for Torres as a fourth outfielder, then pray he stays healthy.”  And that’s me stroking me!  Yeah, Torres didn’t stay healthy and there’s no guarantee he will when he returns.  That’s his problem…And yours if you drafted him.

Barry Zito – Headed to the DL.  That’s a baked Zito.

Brandon Belt – Andrew Baggarly, the San Jose Mercury reporter that sounds like a Charles Dickens character, thinks Belt has until April 26th to do something.  With Belt’s talent, I’m willing to hold him for another week plus to see if he can get comfortable in the majors.  Loosen up, Belt!

Alex Rodriguez – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.

Jake Peavy – Will return in about a week and a half.  If he’s unowned in your league, pick him up and then pray to your deity of choice he stays healthy.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has a 2.33 ERA.  Guess I should’ve went with him instead of F-Her.  Sweet.

Dallas Braden – Has a shoulder issue and thinks he’ll miss his next start.  I look forward to not seeing that.

Frank Francisco – Will return on Tuesday, but it sounds like Frank² won’t get the job back immediately.  We saw Frank² not get the closer job back immediately last year and he never got it back.  I’d hold Rauch and Francisco for now.

Johnny Damon – His bruised finger is very sore.  Sounds like he might be throwing a *pinkie to mouth* splint finger.

Starlin Castro – 7 for his last 9.  I lurve him.

Jair Jurrjens – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar pitched well.  Meesa does not anticipate that’s foreshadowing for future performance.

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m such a K whore I’d take one of these Hanson starts over two of his 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 K ones.

Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, his 4th homer and he batted 2nd while McLouth phoned 2008 to find out where his talent went.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’m not gonna freak out unless his next start is poor, as well.  Now let me go cry into a pint of Clusterfluff ice cream.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, batting .127 with 3 runs and 1 RBI on the year.  After the game, he burned over your wedding video with a sex tape of your sister, just to make his season stats seem better by comparison.

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.

Well my friends, or enemies, it has come to be again:  Baseball… sorry… fantasy baseball! Is there anything more addictive than fantasy baseball? Twenty plus weeks of stats and trades, adds and drops. Preseason stuff is all well and good… but we want competition amongst our so-called friends.  Week one started early and for those in weekly leagues that can’t use any of this: I’m sorry.  For those who can, start off by asking yourself, “Will this help me?” and “Do I really need to add any of these players?” The answer to both of those questions is subjective: It all depends on league size, team need, and scoring setup.  So use the advice I give with fair warning and don’t just do it ‘cause I made a suggestion because this is only a guide of who pitches twice.  I can only show you the way, but you must walk it. I believe it was Q-Tip who said it best when he said, “If knowledge is the key than just show me the lock.” Well, I’m giving you directions to the lock store.  So, as I embark on my second decade of fantasy baseball (Damn, I’m getting old.  I remember doing this with a pen, a piece of paper and a newspaper.  They don’t even make those things anymore!), here are your week 1 two start starters for fantasy baseball. (Pitching match ups and games may change so keep that in mind.) Good luck!

Dallas Braden (@Tor-Reyes, @Min-Duensing) – Grandma’s ‘lil quilter. My inside voice is telling me he is going to get hurt this year.  My outside voice told me to shut up and get me a beer.  Very lucky last year.  Match up guy most of the year for me. Not too bad to start off the year though.

Erik Bedard (@Tex -Ogando, Cle- Masterson) – Healthy, well currently yes. May need to join Tod Lubitch to stay that way though.

Brian Duensing (@NYY-Garcia, Oak-Braden) – Vanilla is the best way to describe him. You add a good lineup, decent defense behind him, and a splash of dual eligibility and that’s baby making stuff.

Bud Norris (@Cin-Leake, Fla- Sanchez) – Ahh Bud, why do you hurt me? Your K numbers look like a down blouse shot of Brooklyn Decker, and your WHIP makes her look like Bea Arthur. Will be a drop and add guy most of the year.

Chris Young (@Phi-Hamels. Was-Lannan) – Can he be healthy for longer than an episode of Robot Chicken? Spring numbers look great, but so what? He is healthy now, so use him while he is, ‘cause you can’t when he isn’t, duh.

Aaron Harang (SF-Bumgarner, LAD-Redding) – Harangatang in the SD zoo… awesome!  2 starts at the Pet’, yes and thanks.

Jason Hammel (LA-Kershaw, @Pit-McDonald) – Could be sneaky this year. Pitched way better and without the luck. Check the numbers, I’ll wait.  How can you not like a guy with a name so close to a tchotchke?

Mike Leake (Hou-Norris, @Ari-Enright) – He got tired by June 1st last year. 2 great starts vs. what looks on paper to be bad teams.  Good start could lead to better things…

Jo-Jo Reyes (Oak-Braden, @Ana-Kazmir) – The least owned name on this week’s list. Play anyone vs. Kazmir, he is hot garbage. Run support, check.  Named after a clown, check.  That, right there, is like the fantasy daily double!

James McDonald (@STL-McClellan, Col-Hammel) – Can he be the first fantasy relevant starting pitcher in Pittsburgh since Ollie Perez in ’04? Possibly. This is an upstart team with a baseball savvy manager. Double digit wins and 170 k’s are not out of the question. Or that’s what I said right before I threw a penny into the fountain.

Jason Marquis (@Fla-Sanchez, @Nym-Capuano) – Doing “Hawk and Animal” proud this week. Missed half of last year due to injury… Yeah, no one noticed. Pitched OK to end last year, don’t expect much on the year but 2 decent match-ups help for the first week of streaming season.

Wouldn’t say this is crunch time as much as this is “Your nuts are in a cracker and the season’s closing in and squeezing tight so you better just throw any pitchers that are available because you need stats — stat!” time.  The line for last week was 3.52 ERA, 1.22 WHIP, 74 Ks and 9 wins in 110 IP.  To recap, these aren’t guys I’d drop anyone worthwhile to get, these starters are meant for streaming purposes and all of their ownership in ESPN is under 50%.  These streamers are in no particular order.  Also, in the final month of the season, managers juggle their lineups more, so there’s no guarantee all of these guys are listed on the right day.  Anyway, here’s some borderline starters for this week in fantasy baseball:

Friday, September 24th

Joe Blanton – Goes against the Mets, who I’m sure would like to be spoilers though I’m not sure if they’re up to the task.  More accurately, the Mets are probably hoping they don’t have any injuries in the final week-plus that ruins their next season too.

Jhoulys Chacin – He’s only given up 4 earned runs in his last 38 IP.  Um, that’s good.  Why is he not owned?  Is it because no one can pronounce his name?  It’s Yo-lease.  Easy enough.  Now own him.

James McDonald – Has a 0.90 ERA in his last three starts and goes against the Astros.  That’s a yes and please. With a side order of crispy bacon.

Chris Young – Not without it’s caveats but, if you have caveats, brush your teeth more, Young’s in Petco.

Saturday, September 25th

Jeremy Bonderman – Starting him here has a lot to do with how much the Twins are rolling over in the last week. So far, it doesn’t look like they are.

Derek Holland – If the Rangers have clinched by this point, I’d skip this start.

Bud Norris – I’ve been recommending him in every borderline starter post and he hasn’t failed me yet with three straight wins.  He gets the Pirates here.

Travis Wood – All bets are off for this start if the Reds have clinched, which they probably will.  As Communism proved, Reds are nothing without motivation.

Sunday, September 26th

Homer Bailey – See Wood, Travis or 1/8th of an inch above.

Fausto Carmona – He hasn’t been blown up since mid-August (though that was against the Royals who he gets in this start, so tread carefully).

J.A. Happ – Gets the Pirates.  You need more?

Paul Maholm – Gets the Astros.  Can we get a 1-0 game here?  That would be pretty flippin’ suh-weet.

Clayton Richard – Hodgepadre in Petco and he gets a team that will probably already be in the playoffs.  That’s about as tasty as they come.

Monday, September 27th

Carlos Carrasco – Has a 2-something ERA in September and goes against a guy (Armando G.) who has an 6-something ERA in the same time frame.

Marc Rzepcynski – Goes against the Yankees so this is only a possibility if the Yanks have clinch by this point.

Tim Stauffer – In Petco and the Padres are battling for a playoff spot going against a team that packed it in four months ago.

Tuesday, September 28th

Edinson Volquez – There’s a case to be made to not start a pitcher on a team that will have probably clinched.  In fact, I’ve made that case.  But Volquez has been great, goes against the Astros and is battling to be a part of the playoff rotation.

Randy Wolf – Goes to Metco and has a 0.78 ERA in his last three starts.  Ah, ooooooh….

Wednesday, September 29th

Joe Blanton – If the Phils have clinched by this point, I’d try and look elsewhere.

Madison Bumgarner – Giants should still be battling for a playoff spot, so this start vs. the Diamondbacks is fair.

Jhoulys Chacin – See recommendation above about what Jhoulys has done recently.

Ian Kennedy – This could be a tough matchup if the Giants are fighting for their playoff lives.

James McDonald – Goes against Wainwright, which isn’t terrific, but McDonald’s been solid as mentioned about 27 lines ago.

Thursday, September 30th

Jeremy Bonderman – I really dislike Bonderman so it must be the final week to recommend him twice.  Or not.  Your call!

Chris Volstad – Against the Pirates seems like an easy matchup, but Volstad’s pretty iffy, or it’s ugly iffy since he’s not always pretty.