Fantasy Baseball Advice

It’s good to be past the trading deadline.  The closers that kept their job feel woobie-safe.  Pull down the Murphy bed, Qualls is here to stay! You might be right, random italicized voice.  Don’t forget, closers still find a way to lose their job.  In the past week, Downs is down, Jenks looks jenky, Frank-Frank is a baby sneeze away from another stint on the DL, I fully expect Lindstrom to get back in the closer picture within two weeks and Nathan seems about as safe as they come and yet, he’s still just a closer.  Look at the ground with your forward facing eyes and put some drops in the eyes in the back of your head.  In other words, don’t settle in.  Sleep is the cousin of death.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)
3. Francisco Rodriguez (-1) (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
4. Mariano Rivera (+2) (Phil Hughes)
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

6. Heath Bell (-1) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
7. Joakim Soria (+14) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Jose Valverde (+11) (Chris Sampson, Alberto Arias, LaTroy Hawkins)
10. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Daley)
12. David Aardsma (Sean White, Mark Lowe)
13. Brian Wilson (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Trevor Hoffman (+9) (Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
15. Kevin Gregg (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (Bobby Seay, Brandon Lyon)
17. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Mike Gonzalez, Peter Moylan)
18. J.P. Howell (+4) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)
19. Brian Fuentes (-10) (Jason Bulger, Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
20. Chad Qualls (+8) (Jon Rauch)
21. Brad Lidge (-3) (Ryan Madson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+4) (Jesse Chavez)
23. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Joe Smith)
24. Mike MacDougal (+5) (Sean Burnett, Jason Bergmann)
25. Andrew Bailey (-12) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
26. Frank Francisco/C.J. Wilson (-2) (Darren O’Day)
27. Bobby Jenks (-10) (Matt Thornton, Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink)
28. Jason Frasor (-2) (Scott Downs, Brandon League)
29. Leo Nunez (Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Dan Meyer)
30. Jim Johnson (-11) (Danys Baez, Chris Ray, Billy Ray Valentine)

In this month’s closer look, let’s discuss trading for closers.  Now before people think my battleship has sunk, I’m not saying to pay top dollar for closers.  But with us heading into July, it should be pretty clear how badly you need saves.  Luckily, saves are one of the categories (steals are another) where you can make up ground quickfast.  If you’re ten or more saves behind a pack of people and can gain three or more points with an additional closer or two, then you should be thinking about trading for a couple.   I’d look to trade one player from your strengths for two closers.  Think Shields for two donkey-corns.  Or a donkey-corn and a brain freeze.  It really depends on your strengths and weaknesses.  And since saves do come in bunches, if you’re finding yourself picking up plenty of ground in saves, then in August, you can trade away a closer or two for a different piece.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Broxton (Ronald Belisario, Ramon Troncoso, Cory Wade)
2. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
3. Joe Nathan (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

5. Heath Bell (Edward Mujica)
6. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Brian Bruney, Alfredo Aceves)
7. Bobby Jenks (-1) (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Brian Fuentes (+2) (Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
10. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Brad Ziegler, Michael Wuertz, Santiago Casilla)
12. David Aardsma (+12) (Sean White, Mark Lowe, Chad Cordero)
13. Brian Wilson (+2) (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Huston Street (+6) (Joel Peralta, Manny Corpas)
15. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (+2) (Joel Zumaya, Bobby Seay)
17. George Sherrill (+5) (Jim Johnson, Danys Baez, Chris Ray)
18. Brad Lidge (-8) (Ryan Madson)
19. Mike Gonzalez (-2) (Rafael Soriano)
20. Jose Valverde (+8) (LaTroy Hawkins, Chris Sampson)
21. Joakim Soria (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright, Kyle Farnsworth)
22. J.P. Howell (+8) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

23. Trevor Hoffman (-1) (Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
24. Frank Francisco (-14) (C.J. Wilson)
25. Kerry Wood (-8) (Chris Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
26. Matt Capps (-2) (John Grabow, Jesse Chavez, Sean Burnett)
27. Jason Frasor (-8) (Scott Downs, B.J. Ryan)
28. Chad Qualls (-15) (Tony Pena, Clay Zavada, Jon Rauch)
29. Mike MacDougal (Joe Beimel, Julian Tavarez)
30. Leo Nunez (-4) (Dan Meyer, Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Waco My Airplane)

The walks weren’t really an issue when Francisco Liriano was striking out twenty-seven guys a game.  He walked to the mound and you knew you were getting 10 Ks.  Maybe nothing else.  But you got ten Ks.  Even if he faced only nine batters.  The scorer would give him an extra one just because he was Francisco Liriano.  His numbers since Frank Jobe surgery are disturbing.  Disturbing like one of those Discovery Channel shows where they show plastic surgery gone wrong.  Liriano’s throwing his slider less (his old strikeout pitch) and chucking up salamis, pitch after pitch.  Could he be laying off the slider because of the surgery?  My guess is yes.  *pointing my index finger at you*  That is my guess.  He looked like he turned a corner when we hit May and K’d nine Tigers.  Could it be the old Liriano, you pondered while nestled in your woobie.  Alas, it was not.  The old Liriano’s in a medical waste bin outside Dr. James Andrews’s office.  Liriano’s now consistently showing himself to be a 7 to 8 K/9 pitcher instead of the 10+ he was prior to surgery.   He’s at 6.04 ERA on the year, but I think he should get that down to a 4.25 by the end of the year.  But it’s a far cry from the 2.16 of 2006.  A far cry, friend.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Reynolds – 4-for-9, 2 HRs, 5 steals.  Get on the mini-donkey-donkey… Could he become the first player to 10/10 on the season?  Do you really care if he bats .240?  Is Mark Reynolds not King-Sire of our land and everyone else is simply called, Not Mark Reynolds?  Where were you when Mark Reynolds was suckling from his mother’s teat?  Reynolds’s straw reaches across the room to drink your milkshake.  He drinks it up!  He drinks your milkshake!  Did you think your song and dance and superstition would help you when Mark Reynolds wasn’t on your fantasy team?  He’s smarter than you!  Chris Davis is a false prophet!  Aramis Ramirez is a false prophet!  Reynolds is a revelation!  Reynolds is King-Sire of this land and he calls it Mini-Donkeyville.  Bow down.

Joey Votto – Reds will release his tests on Thursday.  Hopefully, it’s not a press conference.  Press conferences are never a good sign.

Edinson Volquez – Will miss a start because he’s suffering from lower back spasms.  He should totally sit in one of those massage chairs at Brookstone.  They are so comfy.

Grady Sizemore – Supposedly he’s battling a sore elbow.  Indians player does poorly (V-Mart ‘08), they blame the elbow.  What’s in the water in Cleveland?  Actually, don’t answer that.

Justin Upton – 2 HRs, one steal.  He hits moonshots.  Moon.  Shots.  He’s one of my regrets this year.  I pegged him as a sleeper.  Talked him up.  And here I am with Fred Freakin’ Lewis.  Damn you, Fred!  You lied to me!

Nelson Cruz – HR yesterday.  Doode’s super streaky.  You need to just ride the waves.  Sometimes they’re high.  Sometimes they’re low.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks.  Get on the Wandwagon!

Chris Sampson – Got another save.  Honestly, I have no idea if LaTory Hawkins will be back tomorrow or never.  With closers, react now, ask questions later.  Pick up Sampson for desperation saves.

Aaron Harang – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Looks like the ugly 2008 that’s in his rearview mirror is not closer than it appears.

Scott Kazmir – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  The A’s’s offense is terrible and they’re worse against lefties, batting .198 on the season.  Further, the Rays bullpen stepped in and only gave up one hit in the last 4 and two-thirds of the game.  I’m benching Spaz until further notice.  In 10 team leagues, I could see dropping him.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER.  After having his last start shortened because of rain, he looked rusty.  Rain will do that.

Jorge De La Rosa – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  ¡Naranjas en la cabeza!  That great control George of the Rose showed was gone and so was all his promise.

Matt Harrison – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Apparently it was a bad night to be a crappy pitcher.

Javier Vazquez – 5 IP, 0 ER.  Hey, Bobby Cox has been reading Razzball!  He dropped a preemptive strike on Javy’s One Bad Inning Syndrome™ by removing him in the fifth after 71 pitches.

Omar Infante – Broken hand that coincided with Kelly Johnson’s hot streak.  Thinking he might’ve Tonya Hardy’d him.  Pure speculation!

Chris Jakubauskas – 6 IP, 0 ER.  He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Mariners.  BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?

Ervin Santana – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Much better start obviously and a good opportunity for you to trade him away.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – HR yesterday.  You look at his season numbers and you think blech, but he’s been good of late.  If you need a corner, he’s worth a shot.

Paul Konerko – Two games, two homers.  Another corner guy that is currently hot.

Gil Meche – 6 IP, 2 ER.  As I mentioned yesterday in my pitchers who should be better thingamajiggywitit, I’m suddenly a fan of Meche.  If he’s on waivers, you pick him up.

Philip Hughes – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks vs. the Orioles.  Last start was 5 IP and 3 ER too.  Start before that, he gave up eight earned in one and two-thirds to the Orioles.  Oh, and Wang’s up on Friday.  Confused yet?  Yeah, me too.

Nolan Reimold – HR yesterday off Mo Rivera.  Now we’re cooking with gas.  If Reimold gets hot, you might be able to ride him for a week or two then sell him high.

Wilkin Ramirez – HR yesterday as he filled in for Clete Thomas against a lefty.  I know I mentioned this before, but this is really comical to me (which is to say boring and not actually comical), but Leyland hit Wilkin third because that’s where the guy he was replacing was hitting who was only hitting third because he was replacing the three hole hitter.  So can anyone manage the Tigers now that we have a set lineup card?  Did Leyland misplace his blank lineup cards and he’s Xerox’ing?  Seriously, this is mind boggling.

Brad Ziegler – Got the save yesterday.  I think this was because Bailey threw 44 pitches the day before.  But it shows us that Ziegler isn’t completely out of the picture.

David Ortiz – Someone located their stash of HGH.  Trade. Him. Now.

Chris Carpenter – 5 IP, 0 ER.  Exactly what you should hope for every time out.  Pray they don’t try and throw him more than 100 pitches for at least two months.

Daniel Murphy – Was assigned the Mets 1st baseman job vs. righties as he makes his first start there. Trial by fire, you say! I say, who cares?  This does nothing for his value.  Sheffield should see more time too.  Doesn’t really get me that excited about him either.

Jose Reyes – Aggravated his calf.  PETA will be paying him a visit.