You know how they have pink bats for Mother’s Day?  They should have bats in the shape of penises for Father’s Day.  “Ooh, a swing and a miss.  Damn, he had that schlong just out in front of that ball.”  “You know socialism never worked, but penises have worked for thousands of years, depending on what interpretation of the Bible you ascribe to.”  “Wow, what size bat is David Ortiz using?”  Happy Father’s Day to all of our readers minus five ladies!  Yesterday, for Dad’s Day, Julio Teheran showed us Americans how they do it in Iran on Father’s Day.  Teheran #1 — ptooey everyone us!  His line was 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks and 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.66.  I’ve been saying for a few weeks now that Teheran is worth picking up.  He’s obviously not this good.  His xFIP is 3.97, but his walk rate is down from last year and his ground balls are up, not literally.  Other than last year, he was a consistent low-3, high-2 ERA guy, and he looks like he found his way back there.  By the way, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, agreed, we should not allow any university lacrosse teams access to the penis bats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Do you remember back when you were in school when you were walking into class and your buddy asked you how much you studied for today’s test and your immediate response was “oh sh!t” when you realized that you had completely forgotten about said test? You then spent about six minutes trying to “study” all the while knowing you were not going to fare all that well. But hey, you were going to give a shot. You could have just bailed on the class and figured out how to make up the exam, but not today. Well the “oh sh!t” thought is what went through my head about ten minutes ago when I remembered that tonight was Tuesday (not Monday) and I had to write you clowns a post about fantasy baseball. I considered packing it in, but then decided I was going to give it a go.

Let’s take a look at the players that lead the league in the fewest number of plate appearances to accomplish a stat…

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Jon Gray pitched seven innings Friday night versus the Mets, allowing just five hits, two runs, a walk and struck out eight in his first win, in well, in ever. Congrats on your first major league win, chief! It only took you nine months! How about that headline? That was a bad Fifty Shades joke. If you don’t like it I will tie you up and make you like it. Mmm. Bondage. Anyway, Jon Gray–Coors pitchers be damned! After surrendering 11 runs through his first two starts, Gray has been damned good in his past three starts, giving up just four runs and 10 hits in 20.0 innings, and his 1.15 WHIP and 36/7 K/BB are certainly impressing me mucho. I know what you’re thinking, still a Coors pitcher pitches at Coors and even in the most stream worthy of starts it makes him very hard for me hard to recommend. But that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be on your radar, folks. You should be watching him closer than the latest episode of Game of Thrones, looking for secret hidden fantasy clues in the sand. You guys, I’m pretty sure the scarring on Jon Snuh’s chest spells out R+L=J! Oh em god, wait! The “J” must stand for, dot, dot, dot…Jon Gray! But Jon Gray knows nothing. He must be Targaryen!

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Adam Conley threw 7 2/3 innings, of “exciting” no-hit baseball Friday night, striking out seven Brewers en route to his first win of the season. Manager Don Mattingly pulled Conley after 116 pitches and left it up to Miami’s bullpen to blow Conley’s no-hitter. Sigh, the Miami fan(s) need someone to cheer for now that their star player Dee “I Didn’t Know We Couldn’t Do That” Gordon betrayed them. And I won’t even mention that other power-hitter outfielder (a complicated restraining order actually prevents me from mentioning his full name, let’s just call him G. Stanton–or better, Giancarlo S.) Adam ain’t worried about it. YOLO. Speaking of YOLOing, how about that new Drake album? Uh, singasongmuch? Please stop. I get the whole calypso/R&B/I’mdoingthistobangRihanna vibe the album has and I’m not feeling it. Meanwhile, Mr. Drake, you are depriving fans of some of the best Canadian rap the world has to offer. Oh, hey tangent, we were talking about Adam Conley! The lefty now possesses a 3.67 ERA and 1.22 WHIP through four starts with a 28/12 K/BB rate (9.33 K/9). Mmm, strikeouts. Adam’s 72.2% swinging strike percentage (including 14 in last night’s game) suggest that the strikeouts are for real. That could help your fantasy team. Like Drizzy’s new album, he’s been a bit inconsistent, but Conley gets Arizona next week, he’s available in over 80% of fantasy leagues and he could be worth a pick up in deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues. Why not take a flier–you only YOLO once!

Here’s what else I saw Friday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yeah, Justin Upton will hit six homers all year and .170.  Yup, Jason Hammel will have an ERA under one.  You betcha, Gregory Polanco will bat after the pitcher by September.  Okay, on that last one, I don’t want to jinx anything, so let’s just say I’m being sarcastic and I don’t need no Polanco batting low in the order.  Double negatives be damned!  Finally, Jose Abreu is a Cuban sandwich short of pickles, which makes him a ham sandwich, which is a trailer park doorstop.  He’s nothing.  Done.  It was a good ride we had with Abreu, but the last three weeks trumps all the seasons that came before it.  And the new president of that sentence is trumps.  Abreu, sir, if I may sit you down for a second.  Please retire, your career is over.  You had a good ride.  Let baseball go.  Look at Bobby Abreu, for example.  He had grandkids and started wearing a dress and now goes by Bubbie Abreu.  Take his lead.  Your time is gone.  Sure, you have an insanely low BABIP.  You’re actually walking more this year than last.  Your homers per fly balls is absurdly low.  Your ground balls are actually lower this year, like subterranean.  You’re striking out about the same amount.  Alas, it’s over!  Hang up your cleats!  Not on that hook, that’s for my Par Djoos jersey for when I want to start a Sega video game fight.  Or I guess you could just turn around your season; I mean, there are five months left.  Yes, you should buy low on Abreu (and Upton).  The season is barely nascent.  Fun fact!  N/A-scent is when you think someone farted, but they actually have a dead raccoon in their jacket.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called a fantasy baseball season.  I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, forgive me if I recommend starting a hitter vs. Jake Arrieta and pray.  I’m not a woman, I’m not a man, I am Bartolo Colon and you will never understand how I get on these pants.  1, 2, 1, 2, 3.  Yeah.  I was working part-time in a five-and-dime, my boss was Willie McGee.  U got the look.  Jesus, McGee, that look.  Twenty-three positions in a one night stand.  Twenty-three positions in a very deep league fantasy team.  Who’s my short-second-short-1st baseman?  Why do we scream at each other?  This is what it sounds like when David Price’s owners cry.  “Sorry to hear about Chyna,” said the ghost of Farrah Fawcett.  Arrieta, you got the batter’s fly balls all tied up!  Don’t make the outfielders chase you!  Even doves have pride.  Why do we scream at each other when we don’t own Jake Arrieta?  So, Arrieta threw a no-hitter yesterday — 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 BBs, 6 Ks.  Rather economical pitch count too (119).  Member when we were able to own him last year by drafting him in the 8th round?  Alas, he’s a Sexy M.F. and I would die 4 U.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I first wanted to take this opening line to tell you all that I TOLD YOU SO on Eugenio Suarez and Trevor Story! And to those who read my release last Sunday, you are super welcome! (Wait, is this a**hole seriously gonna take that credit but fail to mention that he recommended to start Jose Peraza who is in AAA?!) Why yes, those were my exact plans to be honest.

Any-who, if you missed my last post and are clueless on what I will be doing, here you go…

Each week, I plan to give you an idea of which teams have the most favorable and least favorable match-ups by looking at their opposing scheduled starters for the week. I do this by taking each opposing pitchers’ stats and giving you an idea of which teams should expect to score the most (and least) Rs, HRs, RBIs, SBs, and highest/lowest OBP for the week. I will then give you some suggested spot starts for the week based on the categories (players owned in less than 50% of leagues).

For the first full month of April, I will strictly be using starting pitcher statistics from last season to project out the week. However, as we move forward throughout the season, I will transition to the starters’ 2016 statistics so that I can give you the most accurate and relative numbers to help you win your roto league!

So sit back, take a deep breath, and say “Week Two is gonna be my bee-yachts!”

(Keep in mind, the categories analyzed are for a 5×5 OBP format.)

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Moogly-boogly!  It’s been a long winter.  The Buy/Sell Column’s back asking, “Did you miss me?!” During the offseason, while you were diddling and thinking about how your middle school nickname was Bracecrotch, I, The Buy/Sell Column was re-reenacting scenes from The Act of Killing with puppets in a staged production on the western tip of Alaska because I’M HARDCORE!  You want some Rip Taylor-wannabe, throwing confetti at your feet or you want a Buy/Sell Column that be cutting puppets’ necks with chicken wire while bundled up in fur coats because it was frickin’ cold in Alaska during the winter!?  Like Jose Altuve trying to get the Cocoa Puffs, you want the latter!  I’m eating puppet stuffing like I’m George “The Animal” Steele just to prove how crazy I am!  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery, I’m in on Domingo Santana.  Like all the way in.  Like Michael, Sonny, Tom Hagen and Vito — all the way in.  Like an Asian man wearing dark sunglasses indoors, pushing his chips into the middle of a table — all the way in!  Like Gilligan in quicksand — all the way in!  The Brewers are awful, this is not a lie.  But — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — Miller Park is a great park to hit in.  The Brewers offense is not entirely as bad as their pitching.  Domingo is a 25 HR, 10 SB guy.  Let’s see, that’s better than Hunter Pence.  Better than Kole Calhoun.  Shoot, that’s better than Matt Kemp.  Does Domingo have more risk than those guys?  Yeah, word, you betcha.  He also has more upside.  Right now, Domingo is owned in 33% of ESPN leagues, that’s goofy.  Don’t want my word for it?  Then stare into Grey’s eyes on his little avatar photo until you see yourself.  Now ask yourself if there’s a reason you haven’t picked up Domingo yet, and if there’s no answer, then grab him!  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Did you know that Rockies starter Chad Bettis is the only major league player in history with the last name Bettis? That means he’s the best Bettis, but he’s also the worst. What a claim to fame. The most famous Bettis of all time is NFL Hall of Famer and former Pittsburgh Steelers beast, Jerome Bettis. Here is something you already know: Chad ain’t Jerome. Hell, Chad doesn’t even play football. Does Chad have a restaurant in the town where he made most of his money? I didn’t think so. Anyway, we are talking about baseball since, you know, this is only Day 3 of the 2016 season. I love early season exploitation and that’s really what this is all about. Chad Bettis is the Colorado Rockies’ number two starter. His career ERA is 5.22. Just ponder that for a couple of moments. Do you see dollar signs yet? This is my first article here at Razzball and I’m happy to be aboard. At the end of the day it’s all about the Benjamin’s, baby. So let’s dog pile on Chad Bettis and kick off the first Tuesday of the season by being ballers and shot-callers. We deserve it.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 10 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

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arizona-diamondbacks-cap-logo-2007_present

Welcome to the 2016 Razzball Team Previews! You’ll find everything you need to know about each team to get yourself ready for the upcoming fantasy baseball season. And I mean everything, folks. We’ve got line-ups, charts, Slurpees, lube, a guide for beginner electricians, and even a cactus! Well, that’s a lie. That’s what Jay had last year sitting in front of him. This year? Um…a little less lube? Take that as you will. But hey, we’ve got teams to preview and questions to ask, so let’s hop to it. We a very special guest for this post… James Attwood, to provide his take on what the team has in store this season. Now enough rambling, let’s see what 2016 holds for the Arizona Diamondbacks!

Please, blog, may I have some more?