Fantasy Baseball Advice

The horrid season for Shin-Soo Choo continues.  He’s probably wishing he just went the Bob Feller-Inglorious Basterd route and did his required military time this year in his home country.  Kevin Correia said, “We could’ve used him.”  Now when Choo gets blotto he can’t even hitchhike home from one side of the road.  An optimistic timetable has him out for 6 weeks, but it sounds like Choo doesn’t think he can.  I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until September and, even then, what are you going to get?  The same you’d get off waivers.  If you don’t have DL room, I’d cut him, Mickey.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jose Tabata – Left the game on a cart with a quad injury after running out a bunt single.  Paula Deen would call that a bunt ache.  Or, as Cameron Frye would say, Tabata Tabata Tabata, stuh-rain, Tabata Tabata.  The Pirates immediately pulled Alex Presley from their Triple-A lineup.  It’s time for the really big shew with today’s guest, Alex Presley.  Girls in poodle skirts go crazy.  I just went over Presley the other day.  I said, “He sticks…longer…profiles…”  Hmm… Gotta work on what quotes I pull.  He’s a 12/20 guy over the course of a season.  In one league instead of Presley, I grabbed Xavier Paul, though Garrett Jones was who the Pirates called on yesterday to replace Tabata.  He would be my first choice too in some fantasy leagues.

Pedro Alvarez – Another setback as he has the worst sophomore effort since The Strokes’ follow-up to Is This It.

Ryan Madson – Having problems gripping the baseball on certain pitches and is sidelined for a few days.  On one hand, he’s had this problem since May 20th so hopefully he can pitch through it.  On the other hand, this sounds bad for a pitcher.  On the third hand that is really just a foot wearing aqua socks, I’d grab Antonio Bastardo and Michael Stutes, in that order, for vulture saves.

Justin Morneau – Out for another 6 weeks with neck surgery.  Lessneau is better than Morneau at this point.

Delmon Young – On the DL with a high ankle sprain.  After having a breakout season in 2010 (.298/21/112), he went on medication to prevent future breakouts (.256/2/21 in 200+ ABs).  The Twins are bringing up Rene Tosoni to try and replace Young’s 0.2 WAR.  Minnesota hasn’t had this high profile of replacement-level performance since Paul Westerberg left town.

Elvis Andrus – Out with a wrist sprain, but says he should be good to go as soon as Tuesday.  Viva la Elvis!

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  As Leyland would say, “He’s as cool as menthol cigarettes.”

Alex Avila – Now hitting .303 and is on place for near 20/100.  While the AVG is inflated (.365 BABIP), it’s clear that AA is benefitting from all the time Miguel Cabrera is spending with him.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 home runs on Sunday and one on Saturday staying the mayor of Hot Schmotatown.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-4 with the rare catcher slam & legs as he hit ninth behind Blackmon, who’s sunk like a rock, man.

Jay Bruce – Missed yesterday’s game with an illness.  Dusty said, “We have to find a way to quarantine him so he doesn’t get everybody sick.”  I have a better idea, put him with Ramon Hernandez so you have to call up Devin Mesoraco.

Homer Bailey – 5 IP, 5 ER as the Orioles sang, “(Won’t You Go Home At Will On) Homer Bailey.”

Cory Luebke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick him up.  Yeah, even you ducking behind your desk trying to hide while you pick your nose.

Johnny Venters – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, Venters gives up 4 earned runs in Petco.

Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a steal.  On Saturday, he hit a home run.  He’s now batting near .325 for the month of June with only two home runs.  He’s become pretty yawnstipating during his prime years, but he is currently hitting and can keep the average up.

Jon Niese – Left Saturday’s game with a rapid heartbeat, but was fine on Sunday after taking it Niese and easy.

John Danks – To the DL with a strained oblique.  Figure he’s out for 3-4 weeks.  Just as he was on the road back from an 0-8 record to 3-8.  Next stop 33% winning percentage!  Oh well, Danks for the memories.

Vernon Wells – Homers in back-to-back games.  It pains me to be an apologist for Vernon Wells, but, if you throw out his April, he has 8 homers in his last 92 ABs.  That’s 30 homers over a season.  Now to undercut it — he’s really not doing much else.

Geovany Soto – 3-for-3 with a HR and now has hit 3 HRs in his last 10 games.  Finally hitting the baseball like he hits a spliff.

Jonathan Broxton – Scratched from his Triple-A game because of a stiff elbow.  Or a little firmer than al dente.  The Dodgers get saves about as often as I update my hairstyle, so this might be moot, but I’d hold Guerra.

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL with an injury the Giants made up so they didn’t have to watch him walk hitters anymore.  Was a bad weekend to be a pitcher with any variation of the name of Jonathan, though okay for Joe Nathan.

Al Alburquerque – Got his 5th win and now has 46 Ks in 27 2/3 IP.  I hate middle relievers.  There’s no rhyme or reason.  I’d put $20 down that Al Al’etc won’t even be a top 30 middle reliever next year.  These guys are the fantasy baseball equivalent to Icarus.

Luke Scott – 1-for-3 with a home run.  Usually I don my Easter bonnet and start doing The Funky Chicken when Scott hits a home run because where there’s one there’s usually multiple.  But I think he’s really struggling with his shoulder this year.

Jimmy Rollins – 4-for-4 and he stole one base wearing Ryan Howard’s jersey.

Roy Halladay – Complete game victory in Philly against the A’s.  Connie Mack is rolling over in his grave!

Chris Narveson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  In three short months, I’ve learned to hate Narveson.  I like him, he gets beat bad, I decide to move on from him and he pitches well.  Grr… Chris Narveson really is the Christian name for The Noid!

Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with a home run and steal.  Gotta love a guy that only gets one hit and fills his fantasy line so well.  Love you, Braun.  Write soon!

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – 2-for-4 with his first multi-hit game since his return from the DL.  Would love to see him steal a base, more so I can see if he can.

Jhonny Peralta – Now has 11 homers since June 7th.  Silent H, which only sounds like a euphemism for herpes, has been better than lots of other shortstops.  Hanley, for one.

Danny Espinosa – Hit his 14th home run.  Officially having a better season than Jayson Werth.  Cust kayin’.

Joakim Soria – Has recorded six straight saves and hasn’t given up a run in June.  Has also only walked two hitters all month while striking out 12.  Guess he just needed a pat on the back to get through his May hiccups.

Ricky Romero – A 4-hit shutout against the Cardinals as he plowed right through their Pujols-less lineup.  His 2.74 ERA should be closer to 3.50 but is deflated thanks to a high strand rate (80+%) but his K-rate and BB rates have continually improved over his 2 1/2 seasons.  I just ask that he sticks with Ricky like ‘The Dragon’ did versus start insisting on being called Rick like Mssrs. Nelson and Schroeder.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  Back-to-back games with homers.  Has 2 more home runs than Longoria and 19 more steals.  But everyone hates Upton… Sorry, everyone hates low averages.  Stop dispaveraging!

Evan Longoria – In 6 at-bats, 5 RBIs, 4 hits, 3 runs, 2 home runs and a partridge in a pear tree.

Matt Downs – 2nd pinch hit home run in the last week.  Has a .280 average and .388 OBP.  Nice that the Astros are giving long looks to Clint Barmes and Jeff Keppinger.  Never know what they might give you.  Some days it’s 1-for-4 with a caught stealing and some days it’s 0-for-3 with a sac bunt.  The sky’s the limit!  If I were Ed Wade’s Toupee, I’d trade give away Barmes, Keppinger and Carlos Lee at the trade deadline.

Mark Melancon – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  I’d say trouble for his closer’s job, but his setup man, Wilton Lopez dispensed 4 runs in 2 1/3 IP yesterday.

Roy Oswalt – To the DL until August with back pain.  Oswalt was excited about the suggested treatment until he learned that traction has nothing to do with John Deere-branded equipment.

Matt Joyce a sell?  Now I will bite my lip and try not to sob.  Quiet, gentle sobs that Joyce used to assuage.  Joyce and I had something together that no one else can understand.  Well, maybe some of you that also own him can understand it, but the rest of you never will.  We shared moments that can only be explained by watching an Ecuadorian couple that has been married for 60 years sharing a mango on a park bench.  That’s what we had!  Picture, if you will, a giant mustache wrapped like a shawl around Matt Joyce’s shoulders.  We were that inseparable for about six weeks.  I own Joyce all over the place and he’s about the only hitter I have playing over his head.  Alas, playing over his head is the problem with Joyce, to DeWitt.  His BABIP is absurd; he’s a .270 hitter currently hitting .360.  He’s sandwiched between Votto and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s crazy.  I know I told everyone to grab him back in April, but he’s not this good.  Humble brag!  He’s never had more than 5 hits vs. lefties in an entire season, he hit .080 last year vs. lefties, i.e., he’s a platoon player.  He’s making good contact and swinging at good pitches, but at some point his luck is gonna turn vs. righties and opposing managers are going to throw LOOGY’s at him in later innings.  So I wouldn’t sell him for $24 in trinkets, but I would explore options.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Laynce Nix – He’s another platoon (doesn’t face lefties often) player, but he’s also only owned in 22% of ESPN leagues and he’s hit 3 homers in the last week.  If someone grabs Nix off waivers before you, call yourself a wambulaynce.

Jon Jay – After hitting .397 in May with 3 homers and 3 steals, he had the best month of his career since he wrote The Federalist Papers.

Nyjer Morgan -  SAGNOF!

Jason Bourgeois – I heard through the grapevine that he’s coming back this weekend, and by ‘grapevine,’ I mean I read it on the internet.  Thank you, Al Gore!

Tony Campana – While Marlon Byrd plays piano in the cellar for the next 6 weeks, Campana should see time.  He can get on base at a decent rate and he has crazy speed.  In fact, he just ran into your room, messed your hair and ran back out and you didn’t even know it.

Andres Torres – A fantasy baseball Rorschach test would have an ink blot of Angel Pagan and Andres Torres.

Allen Craig – Hit .350 in May and is the starting 2nd baseman, assuming Pujols doesn’t try and get that eligibility too.  Craig’s a 15/8 guy if he plays all year, which is great for a middle infidel not named Asdrubal.

Danny Espinosa – I’m not sure why he’s only owned in 37% of ESPN leagues other than 10,000 ESPN leagues might be owned by one guy who goes by the initial X who just likes to mess with me by picking up and dropping random players.  X, “What?  I have some free time.”

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is smoking with a side order of hot schmotato.

Brian Matusz – For full disclosure purposes, I wouldn’t pick up Matusz outside of an AL-Only league, and he’d be owned there anyway.  I just have a mental block about Orioles pitchers.  Don’t worry, I’m in therapy.

Daniel Murphy -  It’s absolutely bonkers to me that no other fantasy sites are touting Daniel Murphy.  Granted, I don’t read other fantasy sites and Murphy is pretty yawnstipating, but, I mean, c’mon!

Ty Wigginton -  Wiggy, Wiggy, Wiggy, can’t you see, sometimes your streaks just hypnotize me.  His picture should be next to the definition of hot schmotato (and it would say, “See also Luke Scott”).

Anthony Rizzo – It’s interesting that there’s times that I’ll talk about a player a lot and make myself even more excited for him, and other times when I dull my excitement the more I mention someone.  And I should have modified interesting with “to only me.”  Rizzo’s starting to bore me and he’s not even in the majors yet.  A few badonkadonks though and that can all change.

Ryan Theriot -  Know what I really like about Theriot?  Yeah, um, well, he does have a pretty cool last name.  He also has, um, hmm…Uh…  Well, he’s currently hitting and has some speed.

Eric Young Jr. – I kinda want to start another league just so I can redraft and take Young with my first pick.  The unabashedly crazy bro-love comes from the fact that Young has 60 steal speed.

Brett Lawrie – Just went over my Lawrie fantasy.  I wrote it while doing vodka shots with Karen Allen.

Brent Lillibridge – In the Razzball Glossary section of the forums, someone suggested peg boy replace hot schmotato.  I’m not ready to make the change, though, if you wanted your son to grow up to be a peg boy, you’d name him Brent Lillibridge.

Brandon Crawford – I think Crawford is one of those adds that by the time they get on your team they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Aaron Crow – Everyone in the preseason who said Soria’s the best closer in baseball is eating Crow.  Wah-wah-wahhhhh…Sad trombone.

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla will take the closer job back.  Very surprising since he juggled seven different guys to varying degrees of failure in his absence.

Juan Nicasio – High risk, high reward type flyer.  Could get you a couple of high-K starts, might give you an ulcer, will probably be bumped from the rotation for Aaron Cook.

Jordan Lyles – Just went over my Jordan Lyles fantasy.  I wrote it in 1996, stuck it into a bottle and found it fifteen years later off the coast of Brazil.

SELL

Michael Pineda – Out of 11 starts, Pineda’s only had 4 starts vs. teams with a better than .500 record (as of yesterday. (I didn’t feel like figuring out who was over .500 when he faced them. (If you’d like a refund of your no money paid, let me know))).   In the 4 starts vs. the .500+ teams, he gave up 12 runs in 24 innings, giving him a 4.50 ERA.  In 2009, he missed a lot of the season with an elbow injury so the Mariners would have to be run by Ed Wade’s Toupee to push Pineda deep into September, eliminating his usefulness in H2H playoffs.  Now to completely hedge, I’m a fan of Pineda and don’t think he’s going to become side-of-the-barn hittable, but I would look at options.

Carlos Lee – He slashed .325/.341/.470 in May.  Wait, why isn’t El Caballo in the Buy section?  Oh, I know.  Cause he also hit only 2 homers last month.  Blech.  Who is he, Mike Aviles?  In most mixed leagues, I’d turn Caballo into glue.

Darwin Barney – Dropping Darwin would be intelligent design.

With 4 homers for Kelly Johnson, there’s still the Kelly Ka-POW, see?  With the 6 steals, he’s still running.  If you extrapolate those numbers out, it’s a 20/20 season.  If extrapolate is the right word.  From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Johnson?  Last yeario, Phife Dawg.  That’s not happening this year though.  This is what currently is happening.  His balls batted into play are showing he’s been unlucky, so he’s pressing and his Ks have gone up and walks have gone down.  If a couple balls fall in front of fielders and Johnson gets on base, his confidence will rise and he’ll start being more selective at the plate.  His average will then rise and he’ll continue to hit for power and steal bases.  His average isn’t likely going to get up to .280, but a 18/15 year with a .250 average is still very possible.  That’s better than the current perception of him.  If he’s been dropped, I’d look to grab him. If he’s on an impatient owner’s team, I’d offer up a deal.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.

Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms.  Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman.  You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s.   I break your back!  Make you humble!  And… Well, you can watch the video yourself.  It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, really, anywhere there’s anyone else within earshot.  From that point, browse some more Iron Sheik videos.  He has a surprisingly large amount of hatred for a wide array of people and expresses his hatred in the most eloquent of ways.  Okay, that was a long sidebar.  As for Lind, hope he gets DL’d quickly so you can grab someone else.  Yeah, I kinda just wanted to talk about the Iron Sheik.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla could keep closing even after Broxton returns.  I say, it’s early May and things will change.   To misquote my new favorite song, “Padilla is the same man, same that he’s always been.”  All these buckets of rain!  I love that song.  Okay, moving on.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Facing the Padres is the ultimate slumpbuster.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5Ks in a no decision.  Beckett suddenly has gone from a 5.78/1.54 to a sub-2.00/sub-1.00 ERA/WHIP.  His dad better re-think his rookie card valuation.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5.  Two hits in one game?!  There hasn’t been a game where he’s done more, no?  The preceding wordplay was brought to you by Highlights Magazine.

Luke Scott – Has a partial tear in his labrum.  I hear that’s common among aspiring female gymnasts.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’d like to Iron Shiek this guy and make him humble.  Can’t someone make the proper call on the Marlins and send him to the Disgraceful List?  He’s useless.  Really bad year to give up avoiding V**quez pitchers.

Gaby Sanchez – Now has homers in back-to-back games while going 7 for his last 8.  Yo Gaby Gaby!

Roy Oswalt – Will not be ready to return on Friday.  He said, “Stupid tractor’s got its peddles all flippety-flappety.  I don’t know when I can return.”

Domonic Brown – Hitting well in Triple-A.  Time to start stashing him on your bench.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got pitchslapped by Travis Wood and gave me an aneurysm in my NL-Only league.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  I’d say he’s better than Napoli but I’m afraid that I might wake up with El Caballo’s head in my bed.

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3.  I liked the 0-for-0′s better.

Ryan Doumit – I saw that he hit a homer last week, but then he was benched.  Then he hit a homer in his next start on Sunday.  Then yesterday he played in his 2nd game in a row and went 3-for-4.  If you play in two catcher leagues, you can grab Doumit, but keep in mind his last name is German for without glove.

Joel Hanrahan – Recorded his 11th save while rocking a 1.42 ERA.  What’s the world coming to?!  Somebody shoot Spider.

Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On Thursday, there’s going to be a post about pitchers that have been unlucky.  Guess who was going to headline it?  You better knock… On Wood!  Yeah, that’s the drawback to writing about a sport that changes every day.  I’d still see if you could get Wood without it costing too much.  And that sounded like a person bargain shopping for brothels.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4  Ks.  I get no pleasure from seeing someone I avoided doing poorly.  Actually, that’s a lie.  Schadenfreude!

Carlos Quentin – A HR and 5 RBIs to up his totals to 8 HR and 23 RBIs.  Party like it’s 2008!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re glad you held tight to Jackson now, huh?  What?  You didn’t hold tight?  Oh, your bad.

Vernon Wells – Strained groin.  I used to strain my groin all the time in high school.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he FIP’ed off his non-owners.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer while he appeals a suspension for bumping an umpire on Saturday.  This is after BJ Upton had a HR and 7 RBIs during the weekend while appealing a suspension.  If only Milton Bradley had just been himself in Seattle…

Milton Bradley – The Mariners designated Bradley for assignment as he wasn’t meeting their offensive standards (double meaning intended).  How bad is it when the Mariners think your hitting isn’t up to snuff?  It’s like the late 70′s Pirates or 80′s Mets dropping you because you do too much coke.  Milton Bradley is upset but at least he wasn’t replaced by one of the Parker brothers.

Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes.  Hungover, I rolled out of bed.  I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep.  An hour later, it started beeping again.  So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping.  Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again.  I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep.  About 5 hours later, it started beeping again.  I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector.  Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure.  Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same.  No more beeping…. Until Tuesday at 2 AM.  So I took all three smashed smoke detectors and threw them in the dumpster.  When I returned from the dumpster, more beeping.  It was like I was in England during the German raids of WWII.  The tell-tale heart was beat, beat, beating.  The next morning, I called a electrician to come by.  He said he couldn’t make it until Thursday, so I wore headphones all day Wednesday to block out the beeping.  Finally, on Thursday, the electrician showed up at my house and installed new smoke detectors.  In broken English, he told me everything was now fine.  I could remove my headphones.  Just then, there was more beeping.  Ah-ha!  See?!  I’m not crazy!  So the electrician followed the beeping sound and found the culprit.  In a desk drawer, there was a malfunctioning alarm clock.  I don’t tell you this story so you question all advice I give you, but this smoke detector dance reminded me of picking up free agents in fantasy baseball.  Alex Gordon hits.  You pick him up.  He stops hitting.  You drop him.  He starts hitting again.  You pick him up again.  He stops hitting.  You smash him with a hammer, throw him in the dumpster and promise yourself you’ll never pick him up again.  Then he hits again and you grab him.  I don’t have a lot of faith that Gordon will continue his production all year, but you absolutely have to pick him up just to see if he’s the real deal or just a malfunctioning alarm clock.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brandon Belt – I almost didn’t put Belt in this week’s Buy because I figured everyone already owns him.  Then I saw he was only owned in 21% of ESPN leagues.  Quick lesson that I learned freshman year at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.  When choosing between random boring vet that could give you 25 homers (Juan Rivera) and upside, you always take a flyer on upside.

Mark Trumbo – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Juan Miranda – I have less faith in Miranda than the two above him, but he’s also guaranteed better playing time than those two.  If Ross returns and Belt isn’t hitting, he could lose his job.  When Kendry(s) returns, Trumbo could lose his job.  Whereas, the Diamondbacks said they want to see Miranda at first and backing him up is Russell Branyan.  With all due respect to Mrs. Branyan and son, Billy, and the whole Branyan family tree, Russell is not someone the Diamondbacks should turn to for any extended period of time.

Jordan Walden – I’m not you’re babe, Fernando… Even Fernando Rodney will admit that he was only the closer because he was scary looking.  He’s got Closer Face.  3 sentences, 2 Lady Gaga references.  I will now donate my testicles to science.  Could Walden be Neftali Feliz for 2011?  Could be, young Razzball reader.

Sean Burnett – While save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How do I look in this dress?”  “Very skinny, Sean Burnett.”   “Did you just call me, Sean Burnett?”  “No.”  Save vultures should be picking on Burnett’s carcass.

Brandon League – He’s getting the saves now.  What, you’re above grabbing a few saves while Aardsma’s out?  Well, ain’t you the meow’s cat.

David Aardsma – He should be back in two weeks.  Do your leagues not have DL spots?

Chris Narveson – I just wrote my Narveson fantasy.  If you read it backwards, it says, “Satan is a pygmy.”

Edwin Jackson – Just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  Not with your eyes.  With your mouse.

Charlie Morton – Has now appeared in two straight Buy/Sells.  Still has a long way to go to break the record six straight weeks that I spent touting Luke Scott last year.

Aaron Harang – I was just thinking how Petco was where Dusty Baker threw Harang’s career off track three years ago during an indefensible relief outing.  Dusty, “Harang, I need four innings from you three days after your last start.  Muahahahahaha… Wait, did I just laugh maniacally out loud?  My bad.”  Harang should have the PA system at Petco play Redemption Song when he takes the mound.

Kyle Drabek – Slightly bonkers to me that Drabek is owned in 70% more ESPN leagues than Brandon Beachy.  I like Drabek, but I kinda don’t want any AL East pitchers, in general.

Brandon Beachy – Give me the password to your fantasy team and I’ll pick him up for you.

Chris Iannetta – Iannetta tweeted the other day, “In my fantasy league, even I own Kurt Suzuki.  #what’swrongwiththeworld?”

Russell Martin – Owned in only 37.5% of ESPN leagues, but I guess 40% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, so that’s about right.

Alfonso Soriano – He hits in April then his knees get grammie.

Logan Morrison – I have a feeling this year Morrison is going to be one of those players that is very valuable in NL-Only leagues but floats on the top of waiver wires in mixed leagues.

Ben Francisco – More for those in deep mixed leagues because his ceiling is like the 7 1/2 floor in the Mertin Flemmer Building.

SELL

Michael Morse – Hey, you tried to go with the latest/greatest/superlative outfield flyer, but he looks lost.

Michael Cuddyer – Sticking with the newly established Michael theme, Cuddyer is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues, but Morrison is owned in 31%.  Okie-dokie.

Kurt Suzuki – He’s such garbage that garbage is filing a copyright infringement case against him.

Brian Roberts - Smoke a Newport, because Roberts is alive with pleasure!  He’s rejuvenated, he’s hitting for power, he’s stealing bases, he’s… Oh, c’mon, it’s not going to last.  He has a history of knee, hip and back problems.  That sounds like someone who will be sliding hard into 2nd on steal attempts and staying healthy?  Yeah, I don’t think so either.  I wouldn’t sell Roberts for a copy of Ring Magazine with Abdullah the Butcher on the cover, but I would explore options.