Fantasy Baseball Advice

Here’s what’s gonna happen.  You’re gonna be out at a family BBQ for Memorial Day.  Your weird uncle that has coke bottle glasses is going to ask your girlfriend if she’ll pass the potato salad just so he can get a glimpse of her bra when she moves her arm, and then your friend is going to text you, “Anthony Rizzo called up!  I grabbed him… Lqqk who sucks –> You!  Say hello to your mother for me.”  First thing you’re gonna think is, why are you friends with this guy?  Bad enough he’s an ass, but he uses Q’s for O’s.  Second thing you’re gonna think is, why you didn’t grab Rizzo and stash him a week ago?  He is absolutely raking in Triple-A:  .359 average, 13 homers in 37 games.  LaHair’s obviously not getting benched, but he can slide into the outfield and Rizzo will be playing 1st base for the Cubs by June 5th.  You can wait until June 4th if your league needs Nerf to supply the balls, but, in most leagues, you better grab him soon.  In the meantime, let’s start calling Rizzo “The Scer.”  You know, if Phil Rizzuto was The Scooter.  Okay, maybe that doesn’t work.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Dale Thayer – Street’s closed, use alternate route.  I’d consider going down Thayer.  Street’s supposed to open again in a few weeks, but city planners and construction have already closed this Street 15 times in the last few years from just wear and tear.  Chances are it’s up and running again are never definite.

Brian Fuentes – I understand people’s hesitation about picking up a guy that’s lost closer jobs before.  How about when you lost the job at Buffalo Wild Wings because you didn’t do the Dracula sneeze and sprayed the wings?  You still landed on your feet at Pita Palace and they didn’t judge you, right?

Addison Reed – Imagine a scenario where you have to go to the bathroom, but to get to the restroom you have to stand on line behind a fat kid trying to pick out an ice cream flavor at a shoppe with 50 flavors.  That fat kid is Robin Ventura.

Casey Janssen – Sergio Santos’s return is imminent.  And so is Lohan’s acting career, if you believe her manager.  Take closer news at face value, then pick up the guy who is currently getting saves and rub it in the face of the ‘imminent’ closer.

Christian Friedrich – Christian sounds like such a handsome guy’s name.  I wonder if it’s a self-hating Jew thing.  Any the hoo!  I don’t know how long Friedrich is going to be worthwhile.  King of the Obvious, “He pitches his home games in Coors and he’s raw,” but his next start is vs. the M’s.

Wei-Yin Chen – Wow, this week’s starters aren’t looking good, but if you own Wei-Yin and Bruce Chen, you can change your team name to “I Got More Chens Than Yo Momma.”

Alex Cobb – I’d go by Al Cobb, if I were him.  I wish I could shortened my name.  Gr?  What the eff is a Gr?  That’s a Lisa Simpson sound effect.  Gre seems pointless.  Gr-Al?  What am I, Superman’s home planet?  Actually, I am.  Don’t touch my crystals!  I wouldn’t go near Cobb in most leagues, but in AL-Only he’s fine.  Shoot, in Al-Only leagues, he’s a first round pick.  Especially with the injury to Al Albuquerque.

Trevor Bauer – Tyler Skaggs could’ve been here too.  This is the time to grab rookies that might see a June 1st call-up.  In my heart of hearts (which is a second baboon heart that I have located inside my human heart), I don’t think we see Bauer until July-ish, but he’s worth the speculative add.

Bud Norris – He’s over my arbitrary 50% owned cutoff (65%), but that’s why it’s arbitrary.

Welington Castillo – I just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  No, your other down.  Since that morning’s post was written, Soto’s headed to the DL.  Don’t shed any tears for Soto, his knee already did that.

Danny Espinosa – You know what these Buy/Sells are?  They’re player groupings (ploupings?) of all the guys I’ve told you to grab throughout the week.  What I think some other sites do for their weekly Buy/Sell is see who I’m touting all week and then list them.  I’m not bragging when I say this.  I’m fact checking, snitches!

Everth Cabrera – Called up by the Padres to take O-Dog’s spot.  If you need 20+ steals from your MI, EverCab is the man (he’s also available for bar mitzvahs).

Brian Dozier – Hey, he’s hitting!  (Okay, I got nothing else nice to say about him, but he is hitting right now — it’s all I got!)

Elliot Johnson – See what I said about Dozier but Find and Replace ‘hitting’ with ‘stealing.’

Freddy Galvis – Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Freddy is okay; he’s okay, Freddy!  Now steal some bases, you Smooth Criminal.

Todd Frazier – I just went over my Todd Frazier fantasy.  I wrote it while performing “Stairway to Heaven, Mon” with Dread Zeppelin.

Nolan Arenado – If you missed out on Frazier in deep leagues, you’re gonna miss out on Arenando too and you’re gonna be waiting for Danny Valencia to get recalled and then cry to sleep.  You wanna cry to sleep?  C’mon, do a headstand with that frown!

Josh Bell – He’s another third baseman that should be playing for his major league team right now.  He’s hitting crazy good in the PCL (almost .400, 4 homers in 22 games), but, as we know, hitting in the PCL is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  For now, Bell’s a solid stash in deep NL-Only leagues.

Yonder Alonso – He’s hitting for average, but he has 1 homer and 1 steal.  BWAHAHAHAHA!  I mean, c’mon.  Move the fences in, Petco overseers!  (And the bases to forty feet apart from each other.)

Chris Heisey – Dusty Baker said he likes Heisey to play every day (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Heisey could get 20 homers and 10 steals (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  I’d grab Heisey in all mixed leagues (if Ludwick wasn’t on the Reds).  Can’t we get Dusty a team where he has no options?  Could someone tape Ludwick and Bailey’s mouths shut, put them in a gorilla suit and ship them to Africa?

Xavier Avery – SAGNOF for Xavery!

Gregor Blanco – There was a legion of Blanco fans (The Whiteys?) that came out of the woodwork the other day when I didn’t mention he was starting for the Giants.  He’s basically a steals guy that might hit a handful of homers, if you had a woodcutting accident and only have 4 fingers.

SELL

David Wright – If you look at our BABIP vs. AVG chart, you’ll find Wright, um, right, there towards the top.  There was one other year he had an inflated BABIP.  The year was 2009.  It was during that year we saw MTV announce it would play more music from 3 AM to 4 AM, The Weather Channel began airing weather-related movies leaving the elderly to wonder where the tornado was and why Bill Paxton was reporting weather and, finally, Al Gore invented running water because he got bored of the Internet.  Also, that year, David Wright had a BABIP of .394, by far his highest BABIP year, and hit .307.  That year he also hit 10 homers.  Now, I’m not saying he’s only going to hit 6 more homers this year or that he’s going to hit .307.  But he’s most definitely not hitting .400, and 20 homers or 20 steals look around his ceiling.  The counting stats will be there, and I don’t think you should trade him for a Fairly OddParents DVD, but his value is high, and may not get higher.

David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain.  2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort.  This year is The Closepocalypse.  If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right. (Oh no, I Can Haz Razzburger has taken over the site!!!  Guys and four girl readers, picture the earth is a lolzpop, then this is The Closepocalypse.  My apologies, but our advertisers asked if I could bring in more of the teenaged Asian girl demographic.)  So Rafael Soriano will continue to get saves.  I wouldn’t assume the Yankeensteins will just go to Robertson when he’s healthy, so it’s imperative and other serious-sounding words to grab Soriano.  Bee tee dubya, it’s crazy how much Soriano sounds like Sanrio, right?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Got two marginal-to-bad strike calls on him and went DRUNK HULK on the ump.  DRUNK HULK WISH UMP BAD THINGS LIKE HAVE TO TEACH FIELDING TO EDWIN ENCARNACION.  I hope the fact that Lawrie was right about the lousy calls gives him solace when he gets his 5-10 game suspension.

Freddie Freeman – Day-to-day with corneal abrasion.  I always thought corneal abrasion was being constipated after you ate corn.  Eh, what do I know?

Kevin Youkilis – On Wednesday, he will begin a minor league assignment.  That assignment is to re-injure himself so Middlebrooks can keep playing.  If he fails, Middlebrooks will be back in the minors in a week.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Nothing kills the inspiration for country song writing like a start vs. the Mariners.

Alfonso Soriano – Ended his HR drought on his 116th AB.  He’s also at 1 SB.  He went from 40/40 to probably 40 in 10 years.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer.  *phone rings*  “This is Grey.”  “LaHair  LaHere.  Sell this!”  *dial tone*

Chris Heisey – Has now started three games in a row and is 6 for his last 7.  In mixed leagues, it’s still wait and see right now, but he’s got a nice bat if Dusty would stop chewing on his toothpick long enough to let him play.

Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 5 ER and his ERA is still 1.89.  Ridiculous.  I wouldn’t freak out just yet, ERAs aren’t meant to be that low.  Lance Lynn, “Shh!”

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 with his third homer as Berkman sat out sore.  Well, at least I didn’t have to talk about Craig’s three hits.  D’oh!

Jon Jay – Onto the DL with shoulder soreness.  Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman can shift over to CF if the Cards schedule all home games in 2007.  Short of that, it’s going to be a blahtoon of Skip Schumacker and Shane “Reggie Cleveland All-Star” Robinson in CF.  If you don’t have the DL room, feel free to drop Jay in shallow leagues.

Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 2nd save, but Dolis returned volley with a run, so Motte got the win.  With The Closepocalypse, it’s a wonder some games ever end.

Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Oh, no, Bartolo needs another collagen injection!  FWIWuertz, there should be a DRUNK BARTOLO Twitter account.

Cliff Lee – Pitched 8 innings of one run, 10 K ball against the Astros, but he still couldn’t earn his 1st win of the year because of a blown save by Chad Qualls.  Really?  Chad Qualls?  Fine, Papelbon needs a breather now and then but that’s the 2nd best option in the Phillies’ pen?  Ruben Amaro is tugging on something and it ain’t no McGraw.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 8th and 9th homers, raising his RBIs to 25.  You can set your watch by Pence’s stats, and right now it’s 9:25.

Vance Worley – Scratched due to a sore arm.  If it’s sore, stop scratching!

Mike Moustakas – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  Go, go, go, go, go, go, go…  It’s Greek Lightning!

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  We talk a bit about Colby later today in our podcast.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Scott Van Slyke – 0-for-4 as he got the start in the Dodgers’ outfield (and in the three hole), and will continue (to start in the outfield) while Kemp’s on the DL.  In Triple-A this year, he had 8 homers and a .336 average, showing solid plate discipline, but that was in the PCL.  Van Slyke looks like a ‘just okay’ grab for NL-Only leagues if you’re an outfielder down.  I will say this, he’s a much better fielder than Bobby Bonilla’s son.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Cruised through 5 innings against the tough Tiger lineup, then got blasted for six in the 6th.  Ventura should’ve pulled him before he gave up the 3rd/4th/5th runs on a homer to Ryan friggin’ Raburn.  I think Ventura went to pull him out and Peavy’s southern drawl reminded him of Nolan Ryan and he wanted him to suffer.

Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Eh, he’s nothing but a deep NL-Only flyer. Does that make sensei?  See, he is Sucky-san.

Jose Valverde – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness that isn’t supposed to be serious.  Too bad, I was hoping for a reason why he’s been so terrible all year.  Octavio Dotel ended up saving the game after allowing two runs to be tacked onto Valverde’s line.  Thanks, friend!  I grabbed Benoit then dropped him immediately for Dotel.  My figuring is Dotel has a bit more closer experience.  He’s cagey!  It could easily be Benoit who sees saves too.  If anyone knows exactly which closer will be used while Valverde is on the mend, Dotel!

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 5 ER.  You know how they’re doing that dopey MLB cave thing where they take a bunch of fans and subject them to every inning of every game like it’s Clockwork Orange?  I have a spinoff for MLB.  Tell one guy, while he’s been cooped up in the fan cave for the last two months, the entire west coast was wiped out due to an earthquake.  Then compare that heart rate with his when he owns both Scherzer and Gallardo in fantasy.

Anthony Bass – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This comes two starts after he gave up 6 ER to Miami, so I’d grab Bass, but get ready to throw him back.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with his first win, but second quality start in a row.  By Josh, I think he’s got it!  Sorry, that’s terrible.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  Okay, I’d trade you Zack Cozart for Infante right now.  Can we make that happen?

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  On the bright side, ESPN’s 24 hour Harper news cycle has a 2nd highlight.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The sub-par start was due to him being bothered by the ointment, Hot Stuff, in his groin area.  Now when he’s pitching well, Nats fans can yell, “It’s da bomb!” and when he’s pitching poorly, they can yell, “It’s da balm!”

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Pitchers like Ervin should have their own category.  They’re not Hodgepadres.  They’re not Marginers.  They’re mixed league starters that are must-starts against weaker offenses, then you pray in other starts.  Maybe you suggest a glossary term in the comments.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs.  And just like that he’s hitting .212!  Yeah, that’s still not so good.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3).  Maybe he can have a half of a blurb on the ticker right when ESPN HARPER is going to commercial.

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and also a slam (11) and legs (6).  Let’s play a little game.  Who’s higher on the Razzball Player Rater?  Ryan Braun or Jones?  Bruce or Jones?

Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Lowered his ERA to 2.45 but unless I lowered my standards (see what I did there?) I wouldn’t pick him up in a mixed league.

Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4, I’m not going to point out again that he’s hot but I will point out that I’m not pointing out that he’s hot.

Alex Cobb – Sounds like he could take Niemann’s spot in the rotation.  He didn’t exactly shine last year in his call-up (6+ K/9, 3.90 xFIP), but in the minors he was able to push his K-rate towards 9 with decent ratios.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him if you need to *pinkie to mouth* Cobble together some pitching.  And that was corny on the Cobb.  I’m on a roll!  Literally, it’s pumpernickel.

Derek Lowe – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Twins.  It was throwback day at Target Field.  Derek Lowe pitched like it was 2002, and the Twins hit like it was the Dead Ball Era.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Now hitting around .350 in the last week with one steal.  Well, it’s better than batting .150 with nothing.  Hey, Hosmer!

Shin Soo-Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer.  He was Soo-Overdue.

A.J. Pierzynski – 5-for-5. 3 RBIs, 2 runs with 4 singles and a double.  Solid year for A.J. (.288, 24 RBIs is 4 more than Konerko) although I keep thinking he’s on Arizona.  That’s A.J. Pollock which is really close depending on how you pronounce it.

Yoenis Cespedes – Cleared for all baseball activities except hitting.  Cool, he can spit and grab himself now.

Manny Ramirez – Billy Beane knows that the Johnny Gomes show isn’t going to do too well in summer re-runs so get ready for May 30th when Manny brings his brand of zany mediocrity to Oakland’s part-time DH slot.  His show is called, “Once Too Manny” with Jerry Blevins as The Bleaver.

No surprise that Johan Santana pitched well yesterday.  Everyone pitched well yesterday (except relievers).  Now I know what it was like to play fantasy baseball during the dead ball era.  “Hey, Scoots, I got me a base hit from my second bagger!  I’m so excited, but maybe that excitement is from this Coca-Cola that’s made from cocaine!  I love me some fizzle!  I’m gonna boil this Coca-Cola, then smoke the leftover brown soot.  You want in, Scoots?  Huh?!”  Can’t everyone do the juice and then use FedEx?  I miss the shrunken ball era!  Did anyone even hit a ball out of the infield yesterday?  Someone lower the mound six inches and use aluminum bats.  Please!  I need Justin Masterson looking like Bob Gibson like I need another hole in my head (I already have four; one of my ears closed up after listening to the Cleveland Indian announcers).  Can’t say I wasn’t unpleasantly surprised to see Johan pitching.  It would’ve been straight pleasantly, but I don’t own him anywhere.  He’s not the pitcher he once was.  He’s not going back to that, but he looked like he could be a fairly competent number three fantasy starter if — and this “if” is the size of Gilbert Grape’s mom — he can stay healthy.  Though, after yesterday, every healthy pitcher may be a competent number three.  Now go smoke some Coca-Cola soot!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – A perfect inning save.  It’s safe to drop Rauch and/or Parnell.  If you want, pretend you’re going catch Rauch in a trust exercise, then let him drop.  It’s more fun that way.

Jason Bay – 0-for-3.  I’m putting the over/under at 24 months for how long until he’s out of baseball.

Andres Torres – Left the 7th inning with a calf strain.  He’s headed to the DL.  Boo.  Or, I guess with an injured calf, it’s moo.  Scott Hairston should now see starts against lefties.  Jerry Hairston Sr., you named the wrong one after you!  (And, really, how do you not name one of your sons, Harry?)

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – He sounds like a piece of furniture at Ikea, but don’t sleep on this guy!  See what I did there?  Yeah, I’m not sure either.  Nieuwenhuis has double digit speed and power and should see the righties in the outfield platoon with Hairston.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d definitely grab him because if he hits, he may push Bay to the bench.

Ian Desmond – 3-for-5 with a steal.  I know he’s not going to hit .600 this year (though he will maintain his 162 steal pace), but can everyone stop putting a mirror up to his nose to see if he’s dead?

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 0 ER as he got the save yesterday (though it wasn’t pretty.  Though II, The Return of Though:  Lidge hasn’t had a pretty save in three years).  Davey Johnson said he’s going to alternate back and forth between Lidge and Rodriguez for saves.  In other words, he’s doing the highly scientific method of Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.

Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Worked through seven innings with only 82 pitches.  He dispatched of the Cubs Thirty Days’ War-quick.  Woot, woot, House of Strasburg, raise your pith helmets!

Tommy Hanson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Saw glimpses of Hommy Tanson yesterday, but also saw glimpses of why I avoided him this year.  He seemed to labor a bit through five innings only throwing in the upper-80′s, then luckily was bailed out by Kris Medlen, the newest flat-billed pitchypus.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-4, as he batted 7th against a lefty.  I imagine he’ll move up to 6th vs. righties, but he needs to hit his way out of the bottom of the order, like, quickfast.

Ryan Dempster – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I don’t think I drafted him anywhere (Grey have too many teams), but I did like him in the preseason (member that phase of our life?  It was seventy-two hours ago, which sounds like a bad action-thriller).

Bryan LaHair – Missed the opener because his back pain was too much to LaBear.

Alfredo Aceves – One game, one inherited runner allowed to score for the Tigers’ walkoff win.  So far, so good!  I thought Bobby Valentine was hitting the sauce when he put Alfredo in as the closer, but he wasn’t creamed yesterday (that was like a triple pun point), so I doubt anything’s changed with the bullpen situation.  If anything, Melancon just made himself look worse.  “Do I have to stand in the corner?  Big Papi farted over there.”  That’s Melancon after being scolded.

Ryan Sweeney – 2-for-4 with a triple.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  His sister, Julia, is not.

Jay Bruce – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, 1 run.  One B, one R, one C, one E and eleven U’s, what do you get?

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Bu-da-ba-bah-dah!  Bu-da-ba-bah-dah!  That’s Cozart’s Out Of The Minors Concerto played from the two hole.

Chris Heisey – Launched a double in his only at-bat.  Might be the best 4th outfielder in baseball.  Wait, that would mean Ludwick is better than him.  Yeah, Heisey’s the best 3rd outfielder that is currently a 4th outfielder.  Hopefully, Dusty and his toothpick get on the same page and move Ludwick to the pine.  On a real baseball note, the Reds are gonna be tough this year.

Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He came up against a Miami club that left Crayola Canyon late on Wednesday and had to play again early on Thursday.  I’m not reading too much into Cueto’s start (actually, I guess I am).  I’m still not going in on Cueto.

Ryan Doumit – Slated to start in the outfield on Opening Day.  Guess no one told the Twins Doumit is German for “Without Mitt.”

Scott Baker – It takes a certain kind of mettle to get injured while rehabbing from an injury and Baker’s heavy with that mettle.

Jonathan Broxton – The Royals named Broxton the closer.  Too bad they didn’t also name a closer for the White Sox.  Can go ahead and drop Holland.

Jack Hannahan – Hit a 3-run HR, his 3rd opening day HR.  It’s too bad closing time at Hannahan’s is April 30th.  Enjoy the happy hour specials while you can.

Justin Masterson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, but no win.  Let’s see if you can guess the theme?  Morroccan!  No, Random Italicized Voice.  The theme is great start from the starter followed by hideous relief.

Chris Perez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save.  Cleveland isn’t known for BBQ, but their closer sure looks like smoked meat.  He should let Masterson go Brutus Beefcake on his mullet for blowing his awesome start.  Perez owners – if you haven’t done it already – grab Signore Pestano.

Jose Bautista – 3-for-4 with his first home run (since I started believing him — I’ve been backwards dunked in Bautista’s waters!).

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-7, 3 RBIs and a home run.  Sounds about the going rate for Arencibia — he’s a one spicy catcher!

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-6.  Drop him!

Roy Halladay – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Since Spring Training is still fresh in everyone’s brain, do you remember how ridiculous it was when people were saying Halladay’s lost velocity and getting pounded?  I mean, it’s not like he was going against the 1988 A’s yesterday, but c’mon.  Don’t aggravate Grey.  You disrupt his mustache’s sheen.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 2 ER….and there goes the suspense for whether Valverde could go perfect in save opportunities for a 2nd year in a row.  The last guy I remember being perfect was Lidge in 2008 and he had – gulp – 11 blown saves the next year.  Anyway, in summary, Valverde sucked but owners can’t be mad because he got the conshellation prize, Verlander owners can’t be mad because he threw an awesome start, leagues with QS instead of Wins have already programmed out any Blown Save-related anger like a robot who can’t feel emotions.

Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Of course, he pitched well.  Dan Cortese from Rock ‘n Jock Softball could’ve pitched well yesterday.

Clayton Kershaw – Only pitched three innings because of a stomach flu.  Or maybe Bobby Valentine is managing the Dodgers by satellite and thought Kershaw should be a middle reliever who starts games.

Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’m not sure there’s anything more frustrating than a middle reliever you know isn’t going to get saves that you own for ratio and strikeout help that gives up runs.  It’s like you make an arrangement with a girl that it’s strictly a sexual relationship and then you meet her parents.  During sex.

Even if you draft one or two outfielders in the top 100 (which you should), you’ll still need to identify some late bargains.   The top 20, 40, 60 and 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball can be found under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is by no means all the outfielders I’d draft for one of my teams.  This is a list of guys that will go after the top 200 and could provide some healthy returns.  Where applicable, click on the player’s name to read more about them and to see their 2012 projections.  Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – More of a keeper pick.  Not yet a stud, but should be a stud for many years to come, assuming the league doesn’t disallow every home run he hits because of too much pine tar under his eyes.

Brandon Belt – Bruce Bochy’s big head + Belt’s playing time = Suzanne Somers.  Hmm, my math is probably off there.  If Belt gets 500 ABs, he could be a top 50 player.  I’m not even playing.  Not even half playing.  Or a quarter.

Colby Rasmus – Wow, I have Rasmus way earlier in my rankings than he’s being drafted.  Like way way earlier.  Actually, that might be way way way earlier.  It’s early, let’s leave it at that.  So I’m drafting Rasmus this year, now the question is will I hate his guts by May or love him?

Mike Trout – Before their Pujols’ acquisition, the Angels were less bloated, though it sounds like the opposite should be true.  If you click that Trout-linkie-ma-who, it’s a whole post dedicated to Trout pre-Pujols.  Yeah, things get dated like raps about al-Qaeda.  If you want to know why I think you should still take a last round flyer on Trout, read the Harper post but find and replace his name with Trout.

Alex Rios – Yes, I wrote an Alex Rios sleeper post.  It kinda makes me chuckle every time I think about how lame that is.  It’s such a move ESPN would pull.  Next up, Todd Helton… Huge sleeper!  Eh, what do you want?  I’m lame, deal with it or move on dot org.  Before you do that though, remember a guy going after 200 overall that could give you 20/20 isn’t as terrible as you might think, even if you kinda want to abandon your team right after drafting him.

Lorenzo Cain – Finally, it’s his turn to run down the white lines.  Cain… Sugar!  Melky is rejected, Royals are corrected… Gordons, Crows and Butlers are thoroughly respected… The revenue gets divided… Bill James gets excited… Now Glass ain’t broke and it’s no joke… It’s hard as hell to fight it, Royals are contenders?  Don’t buy it!  Freeze!  Rock!  Raines!  Cain’s drafted a little higher, baby… A little higher, baby…

Delmon Young – Maybe it’s the whole too many times I’ve been burned thing, but I trust Delmon Young about as far as I can throw him, which is nowhere near as far as he can throw a bat.

Dexter Fowler – He’s very fast, but his stolen base percentage makes me think he’s a stoned teenager.  Dude, where’s 2nd base?

Jason Bourgeois – He doesn’t have a starting job right now, but he’s a must own if you need steals because he will see at bats – though Bourgeois resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Tony Campana – What’s the take away from this outfielders to target post?  There are lots of cheap steals.  SAGNOF!

Jose Tabata – For those who keep clicking on the names and going to the top 60 outfielders post and keep wondering why I didn’t just say look at the top 60 outfielders post, I hear ya.

Yonder Alonso – For the next time you’re playing “Would you rather” here’s a good one.  Would you rather Yonder get everyday playing time for the Padres or 350 ABs for the Reds?  BTW, that’s assuming you’re playing “Would you rather” and there’s no girls within 100 feet.

Dayan Viciedo -  Could he breakout and have a huge year?  Sure, but he’d also have to have a BABIP over .350 and a HR/FB over 20%.  A cliché that doesn’t exist that I just made up right now says, “Possible and probable only share a few letters.”

Alex Presley – These outfielders are in no particular order.  If they were in order with the best guy first, Presley would be on top.  (Or maybe last if I were to build suspense until the top guy.  Anyhoo!)  I kinda want Presley on all of my teams.  After someone drafts Victorino, tell them you’re gonna take him too, only 10 rounds later in the form of Presley.  Only tell them with your inner monologue so no one else hears you and drafts Presley first.

Nolan Reimold – Now if these were in order and Reimold had 550 ABs coming his way, then he’d be on the top of the list.  I think the O’s have Endy Chavez, Wilson Betemit and Chris Davis in their potential everyday lineup because they want to be contracted.  How about the Astros and Orioles combine forces?  The O’stros?  Anyone?

Chris Heisey – Now if Heisey was guaranteed everyday playing time, didn’t play for Dusty and Reimold was still without a starting job, Heisey would be on the top of my list (if these were in order and I started with the top guy first.  This isn’t getting confusing, is it?  No?  Good!)

Carlos Gomez – Haven’t mentioned him anywhere this offseason.  That’s just plain wrong!  No, actually it’s not.  He’s terrible.  He sucks, at ya know, baseball.  If the ex-Marlin, I-can’t-hit-so-I’ll-bunt-and-take-PEDs Alex Sanchez had a twin sister and they had a baby together, it would be Carlos Gomez.  Gomez could steal 30 bases if he can get 400 ABs.  Remember, Corey Hart is already hurt and Nyjer Mogan is one thorough psychological evaluation away from ending up in a mental asylum.

Okay, so it’s not the best 2012 fantasy baseball team, but, man, that title sings, right?  This is the best 2012 fantasy baseball team that I can put together when drafting from my top 100 for 2012 fantasy baseball and top 300 for 2012 fantasy baseball.  Honestly, I could draft another 25 teams from those lists, and they’d all be different.  If I took Longoria in the 1st round, everything after it would change.  For this exercise, I’m taking Swiggy first, because, well, I have him first overall.  Then once I take him at number one, I can’t take another player until the 24th pick, then choose two players within the next 24 picks, then 2 players in the next 24 picks and so on until the end of the top 100.  Just like a snake draft.  It would be nice if I was in a league where someone drafted Halladay, Verlander and Kershaw in the first round and I was able to take Longoria in the 2nd round, but since Miggy and him are in my first 10 picks, according to the rules I’ve set up for myself, I can’t take them both.  Then, as we all know, once you get into the 100′s, there’s wide gaps between ADP and where players are actually taken.  People tend to look at team need over value.  So for this exercise, once I get to pick #101, I’m going to pick two players every twenty picks, rather than every 24 picks.  That’s to account for the wide margin between ADP and where players are drafted.  Finally, because there is so much latitude in the last 100, I gave myself free reign to fill up my team.  Throughout the draft, I also gave myself the ability to reach to a lower draft pick, but not reach forward.  It should still be my ideal team… Or not.  Let’s see, shall we?  Bee tee dubya, this team is 5×5, one catcher, 5 OFs, MI, CI, 1 UT, 9 P, 3 Bench, just like the Razzball Commenter Leagues that are signing up still.  Anyway, here’s the best 2012 fantasy baseball team:

C: Joe Mauer (10)

1B:  Miggy Cabrera (1)

2B:  Chase Utley (5)

3B:  David Wright (2)

SS: Dee Gordon (15)

MI: Zack Cozart (16)

CI: Adam Lind (7)

OF:  Jay Bruce (3)

OF: Drew Stubbs (6)

OF: Andre Ethier (8)

OF: Torii Hunter (12)

OF: Lorenzo Cain (17)

UTIL: Chris Heisey (25)

P:  Madison Bumgarner (4)

P: Anibal Sanchez (9)

P: Matt Moore (11)

P: Jhoulys Chacin (13)

P: Ryan Madson (14)

P: Mike Minor (18)

P: Jordan Walden (19)

P: Kyle Farnsworth (20)

P: Brad Peacock (21)

BENCH:

P:  Ted Lilly (22)

P: Jim Johnson (23)

P: Aroldis Chapman (24)

So what do we learn from that in the most general sense?  You don’t have to draft pitchers early.  For those looking at my staff and thinking it won’t compete, my last year’s staff when I did this dream team post was:

P:  Jon Lester (5)

P: Dan Haren (8)

P: John Axford (13)

P: Daniel Hudson (12)

P: Jhoulys Chacin (14)

P: Chris Perez (15)

P: Craig Kimbrel (17)

P: Mike Minor (18)

P: Jordan Zimmermann (19)

BENCH:

P:  Ryan Madson (20)

P: Jason Motte (21)

P: Rafael Soriano (22)

You can switch Mike Minor out of there for Beachy too, because once he was in the rotation I switched the two of them on all of my teams.  As I’ve said in the past, I may not know a damn thing, but I can pick a pitching staff.  Seriously, Lester, Haren, Hudson and Chacin were all you needed.  Then you throw in Beachy, Madson, Kimbrel and Axford and you have 12′s in every pitching category.  And that’s not considering you could’ve dropped Soriano and picked up a great waiver wire guy.  This shows you that you need to really load up on hitters early, because, as much as you like that late-round-flyer man in the 18th round to be your corner guy, it’s probably not gonna work out for you.  Make sure you have at least two outfielders, a 2nd baseman, 3rd baseman and 1st baseman in the first ten rounds.  In my team above, I even reached way down for Ethier in the 8th round because I wanted to make sure I had an extra bat.  Also, I find myself grabbing Mauer this year to offset Stubbs and other average drains.  No one’s getting anything from catcher, so may as well get some average there if he comes at the right price.  I am not reaching for him.  If he’s there in the 9th to 10th rounds, great.  In the end, this really is just an exercise.  It’s fun though!  For me.  So what do you think of my fantasy fantasy team?  Don’t like it?  Go to the top 300 and make up your own fantasy fantasy team and post it in the comments.  Or not.  Decisions, decisions!