Collin Cowgill sounds like a Texas radio personality or a DC Comic character, but is actually the Diamondbacks’ fifth round pick from 2008 that is killing the minor leagues. (That’s the urbandictionary killing, which is actually good. I’m hip, snitches!) In 97 games, 13 homers and 29 steals with a .354 average. It was in the PCL though, where they pump helium into their stadiums. And, now, guess what? Well, he’s getting called up, I mean that’s obvious, isn’t it? Why else am I talking about him? In deeper leagues, I’d grab Cowgill to see if he can translate his power and speed combo to the majors. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ian Kinsler – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. Andrus went 3-for-6, 2 RBIs; Hamilton 2-for-4, 3 RBIs; Napoli 4-for-5; Cruz 4-for-6; Young hit a homer. Frankly, the Rangers scoring summary was denser than David Foster Wallace footnotes. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Kendrys Morales is out for another 6 months with surgery to remove scar tissue. Who was the first surgeon to operate on him? Dr. Nick Riviera? Hey, boys and three girls! Bummer for the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County…I mean, hello, Trumbo. Giddy up, snitches! The Sciosciapath has to play Trumbo now, right? I mean, probably. Can’t put anything over on that sly fox. And by ‘sly,’ I mean dumb. And by ‘fox,’ I mean not a fox. If you’re hurting for a corner man, this should be all the incentive you need to sound the Trumbo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – It’s the return of Wounded Knee. Sizemore went for an MRI for his knee pain. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. If you own Sizemore, consider therapy to find out why you keep trying to hurt yourself with your life choices. “Why’s everyone in my living room? I was just going to move Sizemore to my bench.” “Billy, have you thought about trading Sizemore for a pitcher?” “No! He makes me feel special! I hate all of you!” “Why can’t you just do crank like your brother?!” That’s you on the show Intervention when your family confronts you about your fantasy draft choices. Now Sizemore’s MRI says (yes, the MRI talks) his knee is fine. Right. So let him play a few days, then you trade him. He’s not going to run this year, so what do you have with Grady? You have Beltran, Jason Kubel or a host of other some power, no speed outfielders. You don’t have the 30/30 Sizemore of yesteryear (2008). Please, blog, may I have some more?
Francisco Rodriguez was arrested for assaulting his father-in-law. That’s going to make for awkward holidays. Or maybe they’ll skip Christmas and celebrate Boxing Day. Fred Wilpon needs to put some rubber bands in his beard and get K-Rod and Tony “Shirtless” Bernazard into the squared circle. During the fight, Johan was seen comforting K-Rod’s wife. Johan, “She was looking for the changeup, and I went with the heater.” K-Rod will probably miss a few games while he responds to attorney emails. Oddly enough, K-Rod isn’t the easiest guy to handcuff. His backups in no particular order: Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from Role Models, isn’t very good, Manny Acosta isn’t much better, Elmer Dessens is the guy who sells fresh corn on the side of the road when you’re driving through a rural town and Pedro Feliciano is related to Pedro Feliz, I think. Frankly, I’d avoid the whole Mets mess. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Montero – Was a part of a back-to-back-to-back-to-back homer job with Adam LaRoche, Mini Donkey and Stephen Drew as they did work on Bush. Hey, Googlers of back-to-back + Bush. Betcha this isn’t the kind of fantasy site you were looking for, was it? And for those that found us by Googling Donkey + Bush –> I’m kinda skeeved. Please, blog, may I have some more?
The save vulture is a scavenger bird. They see weakness in others’ misfortune. A closer goes down or struggles and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. Peck, Brandon League, peck. The save vultures are indigenous to rural and metropolitan areas, especially if a trade is in progress. Goodbye, Rauch. Hello, Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard and Sean Burnett. Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. “How does my manicure look?” “Very pretty, Joel Hanrahan.” “Did you just call me, Joel Hanrahan?” “No.” Kevin Gregg, Kerry Wood, Joakim Soria any of them can be traded in the next 24 hours. If you need saves, there won’t be many saves coming into the league after the trade deadline. If you need closers, now is the time to swoop, save vultures. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Domonic Brown – If I keep talking about Domonic, I’m gonna have to do a spin-off blog, Razzbrown. My Domonic Brown fantasy is clickable. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Dan Haren was traded to the Angels for a terrible pitcher and some prospects. On a real baseball note, the Diamondhacks got had like they were taking cards from Ricky Jay. I think the desert sun’s baked their brains. To make a deal in the major leagues, you see what the Yankees will give you then you dangle that deal in front of all other clubs. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Andrew McCutchen has a mild sprain of the AC joint. Sucks this is happening in the hottest part of the summer. If something happened to my AC right now, I’d be so— The smart part of my brain buried under ten years of pot smoking and alcohol abuse whispers, “The AC joint has nothing to do with air conditioning.” “Shut up, Smart Part Of My Brain. If that’s even your real name.” With this AC issue, he runs the risk of overheating– Smart Part Of My Brain, “No, seriously. Google it.” *Googling, reading WebMD, asking Smart Part Of My Brain to translate* Oh, forget it, by the time I did all of that, the Pirates are already saying it’s a day-to-day issue. He should be out there Monday or some time soon thereafter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Maholm – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K as he threw his 2nd career shutout. If you know when his first career shutout was, there’s a good chance you’re Paul Maholm. Please, blog, may I have some more?