Fantasy Baseball Advice

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.

Alberto Callaspo was traded to the Angels.  Exactly what the Angels needed, a light hitting infielder.  Oh, wait, no they don’t.  Why’d they get Callaspo?  To get Mel Gibson to be interested in the team?  Oh, wait, that was Apocalypto.  Anyone see that movie?  I like the part where Mel’s like, “I will slap the taste out of your mouth, Pocohontas!  So help me, I will rip your neck off!  Even if I have to go through a number of metal rings.”  Callaspo will help the Angels more than he’ll help fantasy teams.  He is what he is.  Light power, decent average, next-to-no speed.  The Royals will go with Wilson Betemit at third base.  Why are they not going with Mike Moustakas or Alex Gordon?  Because for whatever reason the Royals are punishing them.  If you can figure out the peasant Royals, you get a cookie.  I actually like Betemit if he’s the everyday 3rd baseman.  He has 4 homers and a .377 average in 61 ABs this year.  As for “Of Maicer Men,” I think Callaspo is more Lennie than George.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David DeJesus – Slammed into the outfield wall when DeJesus was turning a Jeter out into a homer.  He’s listed as day-to-day, which is trade deadline code for “Please still trade us someone for DeJesus, he’s really, really healthy.”  In reality, he’ll probably be out for a while.  So, while Betemit might replace Callaspo, here’s a chance for Gordon to see some daylight.  We’ll see now how much sense the Royals make.

Bobby Jenks – Ozzie announced that he wants Jenks in the closer role, but he might turn to Thornton, Putz or Santos.  Ozzie tweeted, “Fat puta eff up Top Chef Night. #GoAngelo!”  (Speaking of Top Chef, shouldn’t they just call Kenny “Chef?”)  If you have some inner knowledge on how Ozzie makes his decisions, feel free to share.  I don’t think even Ozzie knows which way he’s going to turn next.  My best guess is giving Jenks a few days rest then going back to him.  In the meantime, I’d grab Putz, Thornton and Santos, in that order.  (FWIW, Rudy thinks Thornton’s next in line.)  Who I feel bad for is Bobby Jenks.  Ozzie’s making his beard go prematurely gray.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 and now batting .227.  When he first returned, I warned you that his name value is more valuable than his actual value.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks and has only given up one earned run in his last 22 2/3 innings.  Has a 3.40 ERA on the year with nearly a K per inning, i.e. 120 Ks in 127 innings. Good to see Hole Camels dig himself out after leaving April with a plus-5 ERA.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m going to try a new tactic.  Hudson will never regress.  He will continue to not strikeout anyone while rocking a sub-2.50 ERA.  In fact, he will win the Cy Young– Nay, they will rename it the Tim Hudson Award and he will win it every year.  Even after he retires.

Alex Gonzalez – 4-for-5 with a .370 average on the Braves but no homers.  Wait, did Yunel and Gonzalez just switch unis?  Aw, man, that’s the oldest trick in the book.

Edinson Volquez – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Well, that 2nd start back could’ve went better.  After dominating the Rockies in his return from TJ surgery, seemed like a no-brainer to start him vs. the Nats.  I’m sure a lot of people are smarting from Volquez’s shellacking.  He’s too good of a pitcher to just drop again.  If you can’t afford the warts, I’d let him sit on your bench for the next start.  Another bad start from your bench, then you’ll need to make other plans.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Keep in mind that he had a great 2nd half last year.

Scott Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he picked up right where he left off.  He gets a blurb in this afternoon’s lukewarm section of the Buy/Sell.  Stay tuned for tepidness!

Yovani Gallardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  As he’s been all year, Gallardo was solid again in his return from the DL.  His 127 Ks in 117 2/3 innings is a thing of beauty.  As I said in the preseason, “I bet I’ll be annoyed I don’t own him anywhere.”  Now I’m annoyed I didn’t put any money down on that bet.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4 with his 18th homer.  Yup.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  This start is a good example why you shouldn’t drop Volquez.  What, you already did?  Oh, well.

Ian Stewart – 4th homer in his last ten games.  May not have been the crazy breakout I was hoping for in the preseason, but, at 2nd base, 13 homers and 5 steals with good Runs and RBIs isn’t really that bad.  Not to mention, he could still get very hot.  In like a lamb, out like a Mini-Mini Donkey.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs.  I’m preparing you now.  2011 is going to be the year of Delmon Young.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This is but a theory.  Last offseason, Pavano studied a controversial branch of biomechanical engineering and built a brainwashing machine out of a regular old washing machine.  The brainwashing machine shot out gamma rays, while it cleaned Pavano’s shorts, and brainwashed the entire world into thinking Pavano is actually pitching when in fact it’s Slowey.  Then when Pavano actually pitches, everyone thinks it’s Slowey.  Merely a theory.  I could be wrong.

Kevin Youkilis – This has nothing to do with fantasy (like my crazy person rant on Pavano did), but you enjoy this site now.  You’re welcome.

Andres Torres – Hit his 9th homer yesterday to go along with his 17 steals.  There might be some 8 team leagues where he’s not necessary, but he really should be owned everywhere.

Ryan Doumit – The oft-injured catcher finally lived up to the ‘oft’ and heads to the DL with a concussion.  Doumit has a history of concussions (in some circles that’s considered clumsy) so Doumit may be shelved for a while.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his tenth stolen base.  You know why it’s fitting Jose Tabata got traded to Pittsburgh?  He was already a fan of the Stealers.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Got the save yesterday since Broxton has been overused, even if that never stopped Torre before.  Actually, nothing’s ever stopped Torre except a good opportunity to pick his nose on national TV.  Though there’s no official changing of the guard in LA, I would grab Kuo if you have room just in case Broxton continues to be shaky.

Hiroki Kuroda – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He goes through stretches where he’s tough to own, but his career ERA is under 4 and he’s at 3.48 now.  Doesn’t hurt you on WHIP or Ks either.  Always one of the more underrated starters.

Josh Johnson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, now has a 1.61 ERA on the year.  Ubaldo who?

Chris Coghlan – 1-for-3 with a steal.  First Coghlan is ice cold, then hot, then ice cold again.  If Coghlan’s Law holds up, he’ll be cruising for another hot streak in no time.  Then banging Gina Gershon and Kelly Lynch at the same time.

Matt Lindstrom threw 1 IP, 2 ER and his second blown save in two games and third in his last four.  If you’re not reading this until Sunday, he probably blew another game.  Oops, there goes another one.  I grabbed Brandon Lyon in two leagues where he was available.  If it was simply Lindstrom sucking, I’d say you can hold off, but Lindstrom said he has mechanical issues.  You know what mechanical issues are code for, right?  A breakdown.  In the mean’s while, Lyon is just okay.  If I said he was good, I’d be (Mad Lib in your own pun).  But Lyon does have closing experience, so there’s that junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  As for Matt Capps, his rope is a bit longer, but his shakes haven’t been great either.  Yesterday, he went 2/3 IP, 3 unearned runs and the third time he was Cappsized this year.  Ticker shock due to Cristian Guzman playing about fifty feet too far behind 2nd.  It was Guzman’s third error of the game.  [mind-boggling] I realize the Nats are the Nots without Guzman and all, but there really should’ve been a defensive replacement in this game. [/mind-boggling]  I’d pray that Capps rights his own ship and grab Lyon if you have room.  Besides, Clippard’s probably owned anyway because he has, like, 17 wins.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jack Cust – It took forever and a day, but Cust hit his first home run.  He’s streaky like your hair when you used to wear Zubaz, so if there’s a time to grab Cust, now would be it.

Kurt Suzuki - 2-for-5 with 2 HRs and his 3rd in two games.  I was about to say it doesn’t matter because he’s probably owned everywhere, but then I saw he’s only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!  Hey, I’m not a huge fan of Suzuki, but I can’t imagine he’s not better than who some of you own.

Brett Anderson – Left the game after 2 innings with a sore elbow.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you; it’s a bad sign.  If I were to read his tea leaves, I’d say he’s probably out until the All-Star Game.  But if I were the type to read tea leaves, I’d probably just spray his elbow with Windex and tell him to go pitch.  I’d hold him for now and hope for the best and expect the opposite.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  How’s that for a hard sell?!  Or is it a hard buy?  Or is it hard up?

Kris Medlen – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, no walks, 4 Ks.  He actually looked even better than the line.  Two infield singles in the 8th scored with one being a broken bat jobber.  Yes, I’m a big fan, but he has a 2.79 ERA on the year; you should be too.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer in his last five games.  He should have 5, but Ibanez robbed him on Wednesday.  Can’t Ibanez do anything right?  No, no he can’t.  BTW, Glaus is only owned in 77% of ESPN leagues.  Glaus who was the NL Player of the Month for May.  It really takes this long to add a guy?  If you’ve abandoned your team, why are you reading this?  For the funnies?  Then skip ahead to Bush, Maggs, Freddy Garcia and Fuentes.

Jason Bartlett – Headed to the DL with moans over his hammy.  The strain was considered mild when it happened last week and now he’s going on the DL.  You deduce what you want from that, but for a guy who gains value for fantasy with his legs this is not a good sign.

Carlos Lee – Back-to-back games with a homer.  I think I said this before, but Lee will hit 25 homers and bat around .270.  At some point, he’s got to get there.  And that’s me thinking I said something I might not have said!

Dave Bush – He said that the scratching this weekend has nothing to do with his finger’s blister.  Maybe the scratching has to do with his lip’s blister.

Mark Teahen – Had surgery on the tip of his middle finger.  Medical name of the surgery is “Fixin’ The Bird.”  Teahen will miss 4-6 weeks.

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-3 with his third homer in his last five games.  As Ozzie said on Twitter:  #it’saboutfreakintime.

Magglio Ordonez – 3-for-5 and came within a single of the cycle.  He would’ve had a single but Jim Joyce called it a homer.

Austin Jackson – 4-for-6 with a .341 average on the year.  It’s nice and all, but he also has only 8 steals and 1 homer.  Also, his BABIP is totally, flippin’ out of control.  Okay, you know how I feel about this guy.  Moving on…

Adam Jones – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  I was thinking about Adam Jones’s year so far (while laying on my couch, sipping a blender drink).  Really, what’s the best case scenario for Jones?  He had a 19/10 year in ’09, batting .277.  So if he doesn’t take a huge step forward, what are we getting?  We’re getting a poor man’s Pence.  It’s okay, but his team’s offense is terrible, which will limit Runs and RBIs.  When in doubt, I’d still go with the upside, but I think we need to start tempering our expectations.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and a 2.10 ERA on the year.  Getting lost in the Ubaldo craze is the fact that Josh Johnson actually has a better xFIP and K-rate than Ubaldo.  Hey, maybe Keith Law will vote for Johnson instead of Ubaldo for the NL Cy Young.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-3 while raising his average from .213 to .249 in ten games.  Yup.

Bobby Jenks – As reported here after being read elsewhere, Jenks is the closer again as he pitched a scoreless inning yesterday to get the save.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rangers who can’t hit in away games.  No matter what Gavin Floyd has to say about it.  BTW, this is Freddy Garcia before the game, this is him after when he let his hair down.

Pat Burrell – Likely getting called up by San Francisco this weekend.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the bears are gonna love Pat the Bat.  And I’m not talking about the Golden State Bears.  Burrell could be a bat off the bench and he might see a few games a week in the outfield against lefties.  In NL-Only leagues, it’s worth a look.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, including a 4 strikeout 8th inning as he had his way with the Twins.  His ERA is now down to 3.26 and he looks like the ace you drafted.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last 7 games.  On a struggling team, I made a bold (read:  dumb) move last week, trading Cano for Lopez and Garza.  So far, it hasn’t looked terrible, but it’s still early and I have plenty of time to regret it.  Pray for me, Razzballers.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I think how badly he was outpitched by Jered Weaver (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks) says all that needs to be said.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  I understand everyone wants 5 Ryan Braun’s in their outfield, but I don’t understand when I get comments about dropping guys like Hunter.  Maybe he’s a bit yawnstipating, but he’s on pace for exactly what he should be.  Somewhere in the 25/17 neighborhood.  What were the royal you looking for when you drafted him?

Brian Fuentes – 1 IP, 2 ER for the save.  He gave up a two-run homer to Willie Bloomquist.  That’s like when a prostitute has sex with a hobo out of pity.

Dontrelle Willis, the flat-billed pitchypus in question, was traded to the Diamondbacks for a half-used #2 pencil and a race car-shaped eraser.  When a team trades a guy and still has to pay the majority of his salary, it’s usually not a good sign.  I have maintained in the past that maybe the only thing eating at Dontrelle was the Tigers taking away the best aspect of his game –> his hitting.  It’s still not a reason to pick him up.  It’s not like the Diamondbacks stadium is a pitchers’ haven.  Let someone else take the flat-billed pitchypus under their wing and nurture it back to health.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Teixeira – Day-to-day after he left the game with a bruised foot, which is far less tasty than a braised foot.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Don’t look now but Vazquez has 3 solid starts in his past 4 games – helping to bring his ERA/WHIP down to 6.06/1.49.  Yeah, still looks awful but it took a while for him to stop picturing Johnny Damon at the plate with the bases loaded everytime he pitched.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer and his 8th RBI.  He’s got a bit of a ways to go before he’s not considered a size D bust.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER as he pitched in the 7th inning.  I’d like to punch him in his big fat mouth.  If you own him, bench him until he gets a save.

Corey Hart – Now has 14 homers, while Fielder hit his 8th yesterday because he couldn’t take anymore of my roundup mocking.  That’s what I think, at least.  In all seriousness, Fielder could hit 15 homers this month and it wouldn’t surprise me.  Don’t sweat the fat stuff.

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-5 and a home run.  Hitting around .340 over the last week but still hitting .237 on the year.  Has a long way to go before he’s hitting .290 and he should get there eventually, which means those in need of average can look to him.  Unless…

Mike Stanton – Hit a couple more homers yesterday.  Ross is hitting .295 with moderate power, Maybin and the aforementioned Coghlan have been better after early season slumping.  Not sure who gets the ax for Stanton, but someone must.  Even though I’m not in the union, I’m going to put on my GM hat and say Ross loses playing time.

Russell Branyan – Has three homers in his last four games.  Like an orgy-ist, Branyan hits ‘em in bunches.

Cole Hamels – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  So frustrating when a pitcher gets hit then a rain delay blocks him from fixing the damage to his ratios.  Why are they starting a game when it’s about to rain?  Is looking up not in the umpire’s rulebook?  Dallas Raines, Storm Field, or Sonny Whither-Chanceofrain would’ve never let this game start.

Kevin Gregg – Gregg must’ve left his Janet Jackson album collection yesterday because he had no control and wanted no part of the rhythm nation.  His line of 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 BB was so nasty that actually inspired Cito to insist he call him “Mr. Gaston.”  Since I owned Frasor in a few leagues, you’d think this blowup would make me giggly like an Asian girl in a Hello Kitty store.  Unfortunately, Frasor gave up one run earlier in the game and I flashed a trigger finger faster than Wild Bill Hickok.  To explain again in exclamation marks, !!!!!!!.  I’d own Frasor (though I won’t) and Downs, just in case Gregg is removed from the closer role.  Right now, I’d own them Gregg, Frasor then Downs.  In that order.  Downs is last because I don’t think they go to a lefty closer outside of some messy shituations.

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First, Shields then Fister now Niemann.  It’s been a good week.  Finally, some of these unreal ERAs from these schmohawks are coming down (up?) to earth.  Find your level, snitches!

John Ely – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks and now 6 straight solid starts and an ERA of 2.54 with a WHIP of 0.93.  Yes, you should own him.  No, he’s not this good.

Victor Martinez – 5-for-5 with 4 routine fly balls to left.  Or as they call them in Boston, “doubles.”

Carlos Quentin – Now has 2 homers in his last 3 games.  Hey, guess all this bastard needed was for me to give up on him.  Figures.

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Beckham promised a Make-A-Wish kid two soft singles to center.  What a guy!

Justin Smoak – 2-for-2 with a homer.  If you own him, you were probably sonavabenched because the home run came after not starting the game.  Nothing like a guy that doesn’t hit for three weeks, then hits a home run when he wasn’t supposed to play.  *Grey bangs his head on his desk*

Scott Rolen – 2 more HRs tonight with 4 of his 13 HRs now coming against the Cards.  Rolen’s going all Cobra Kai on his former coach.  (BTW, We at Razzball are completely against this rethink of Karate Kid.  Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan?  Really?  Does anyone watch the first Karate Kid and, say, “I liked the gist of it but I think it would’ve been better if the Daniel-san character was prepubescent and African-American?”  How will you find someone so watchably menacing as Billy Zabka’s portrayal of Johnny Lawrence?  And will Mr. Miyagi’s backstory be moved from living in Okinawa to living in Hong Kong?  They already did this crap with the Can’t Buy Me Love remake and now Nick Cannon’s stooging on a talent show.  What’s next?  A Bachelor Party remake and not showing muff?)

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 8 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Speaking of 80′s villains, Johnny Cueto swept my legs then urinated on my head.

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 3 Runs and his 11th homer.  Hey, someone gave him the hug he needed, nice!

Maicer Izturis – Now has back-to-back games with a homer.  I missed the homers, but I’m guessing he was hitting from the 2nd base bag.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Diamondbacks are considering trading Dan Haren.  Maybe they can throw in a closer and buy low on Teixeira.  Though in real baseball that makes no sense.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer.  I know he’s been terrible, but he always gets hot as the summer heats up and he’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Yes, he’s finally hot too.

Brett Myers – A 7 inning, 10 K performance against the pesky Nats went for naught after Lindstrom blew the save but then went for aught after Capps blew the save and the game.  Myers’ 3.04 ERA looks awfully low for someone with a 1.39 WHIP but it’s still good enough to gamble on for the occasional stream in shallow leagues, start most of the time in deeper leagues, and start every time in leagues that credit points for domestic abuse.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  It’s the Hunter pace.  Home run here, steal there.  25/12 by the end of the year.  Ho-hum, which is a command Ice Cube uses.

This is a moderate Buy.  I wanted to find a player that would make you excited to buy, but I also wanted to cover Grady Sizemore.  I owed it to you, loyal Razzball reader.  So here we are.  Grady has NOT (Hey, it’s Caps Night!) been terribly unlucky.  I know BABIP makes you say WTF, but I need to go there super quick.  His BABIP shows a guy that isn’t that far off from his career mark.  His line drive rate is around its norm and his fly ball rate is down.  His K-rate is up and his walk rate is down.  So to break this down into your Leisure Suit Larry terms, I think he’s pressing (that’s what the walks and Ks are telling me), his average should go up (his line drives), which should help his steals (guessing).  There’s got to be some homers in his bat.  Guy just doesn’t lose his shizz at 27.  Actually, they’re supposed to gain it.  I wouldn’t pay more than sixty cents on the dollar, but I would buy Grady.  The Indians are despised, according to the Wall Street Journal (that’s real PC there, WSJ), but that doesn’t mean Grady needs to be.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the post, I wanted to tell everyone I’m in Austin this weekend to attend Rudy’s wedding.  I won’t be near a computer for the weekend, so please help each other.  You can do it!  Now make me proud.  Anyway II, here’s the post…

BUY

Brandon Wood – I will now attempt to avoid any Wood puns.  As I opine… Dah!  If you’re hard up… Gah!  I give up, grab Wood.

Nick Swisher – Hitting over .400 in the last week.  Yes, he’s another Random Outfielder That Is On And Off Waivers All Year So Every Team Will Own At Some Point And You Only Want Them When Hot.  Or ROTIOAOWAYSETWOASPAYOWTWH, if you find acronyms easier to remember.

Chris Coghlan – Now Coghlan hit it so hot you got tanned.

Alexei Ramirez – He’s been a whole lot of nothing, then he muddled that together with mint and gave you a HeSucksjito.  He’s a 15/15 player that never plays well in April.  There’s value in that for the right price.

Frank Francisco – If saves are what you covet, Frank-Frank should be able to satiate you.  The preceding was probably cribbed from a bad Cinemax After Dark movie.

Alfredo Simon – Saves ain’t got no face, but if they did have a face they probably wouldn’t look anything like Alfredo Simon.  Nevertheless!

LaTroy Hawkins – I want to say LaTroy Hawkins will take over for Hoffman, but he’s a Cuddle Boy and he hasn’t even been doing a very good job cuddling this year.  Todd Coffey’s not a bad name… To poop on.  If you look at Villanueva from one angle, he’s the man.  Another angle and it’s Hawkins.  Another angle and it’s Hoffman.  Then Coffey bursts through the door like Kramer, only to find Manny Parra emerging from the bathroom with his shirt off.  Really, it’s a bad shituation, but I’d grab Hawkins since Macha hinted at him.

Evan Meek – “Don’t ask” Dotel has lived up to his name.  Yet, he’s still the closer.  You can grab Meek, but whatever you do, don’t speculate on more than one Pirate closer.

Miguel Olivo – Because of a sitewide zoning ordinance only one catcher can be mentioned per week in the Buy/Sell.  Olivo should be owned in every league.  Yes, even in 8 team leagues where the 7 other teams were autodrafted and abandoned.

Rhyne Hughes – Good grab for AL-Only leagues, but you have to platoon him until the Orioles realize what the Rockies and fantasy baseball owners have known about Atkins for a while.

Jhoulys Chacin – He Ks people and induces groundballs.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?  Jhoulys. How do you spell that?  I don’t know. I’d watch Chacin in mixed leagues and own immediately in NL-Only ones.

Jaime Garcia – Carlos Silva is owned in 17% of ESPN leagues and Garcia is owned in 11%.  Um, well, uh… Okay.

C.J. Wilson – Here’s a quick lesson for the back of the room.  You know, the nappers.  When in doubt, you want a pitcher that can strikeout hitters because if a hitter puts the ball into play anything can happen.  If a hitter strikes out, nothing can happen.  Barring, of course, Gregg Zaun then throwing the ball back to the pitcher and the ball ending up in left field.  So C.J. Wilson has a K/9 of 7.36.  That’s solid, not great.  Could get better.  Dallas Braden has a K/9 of 5.70, which isn’t good and is artificially inflated by his first start of the year.  Okay, now comes the essay question.  Why is Braden owned in 61% of ESPN leagues and Wilson is owned in only 25%?  Extra credit:  Compare Braden, Wilson and ESPN readers to different Food Network stars.

SELL

Edwin Jackson – Sorry, I warned people in the preseason.  If you’re coming late to the party, well, where ya been?  Anyway, I don’t think we see last year this year from Edwin.  Say that fast three dozen times.

Rick Porcello – This is beating a dead horse, but since I still see him on some teams in our fantasy baseball forums, I’m putting it out there again.  Porcello –> blech.

Martin Prado – He has one homer and no steals.  That’s about the norm for him.  His value is coming from an unreal average.  Unreal as in not real like a fake.  Hey, Prado is a knockoff.

Jason Bay – I’m officially worried.  He’s been lucky as far his average goes and he’s hitting .269.  His new stadium could wreak havoc on Bay like it did on Wright last year.  If he can’t nudge balls right around the Pesci Pole, he might have a huge drop in value.  I’m not saying trade him away for a Gregg Jefferies rookie card, but I’d listen to offers.

Jorge Cantu – Leads the NL in RBIs.  Wait for it… It’s here somewhere… Oh, here it is… SELLL!!!!!!  Uh-oh, I released it and now I can’t control it… Watch out… Here it comes again… SELLL!!!!!!  I can’t stop it!  Hide your eyes; it’s coming again!  SELLL!!!!!!  Please someone help me– SELLL!!!!!!  It’s eating my arm!  SELLL!!!!!!  SELLL!!!!!! SELLL!!!!!!  Suddenly, SELLL!!!!!! stops and smiles.  SELLL!!!!!!, “Take it easy, Grey.  I was just messing with you.  Oh, and Cantu really is a sell.  For reals.  SELLL!!!!!! out.”