Fantasy Baseball Advice

Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone.  When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place.  He couldn’t.  Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job.  Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties.  Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it.  So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab.  His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further.  It’s not a good day to own Sandoval.  Yesterday wasn’t very good either.  Tomorrow probably won’t be much better.  Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point.  When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen.  Why does he have an anus in his stomach?

Ian Desmond – Here’s one that made me do a double take.  Ian Desmond has 10 steals.  Zoinks!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Only has a 4.29 ERA with plenty of time to have a 3.50-3.75 ERA on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Really see no reason why he can’t be as good as billed in the preseason.

Kendrys Morales – According to reports, Kendrys is not returning anytime soon.  Might want to think about adding an -ucks onto the end of his first name.  This is a boost for Trumbo.  Could be in line for steady playing time until the All-Star break.

Jon Rauch – Blue Jays manager, who is supposedly named John Farrell, said Rauch is his closer if push came to shove.  Should get a neck tattoo that says, “SAGNOF!”

Jose Bautista – Left with neck stiffness after he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.

Rajai Davis – 5 steals this weekend.  Sonavabench!  Couldn’t you have returned on Monday after I changed my weekly lineup?

Adam Lind – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer, and his 4th homer this week, batting .282 on the year.  And that’s how quickly a bust can turn around his season this early in the year.

Jered Weaver – Missed his start because of a virus.  That’s what happens when you try to download porn from malware-infested sites.

Kevin Youkilis – Out with an aggravated hip, which sounds like an album title from a 90′s group like Big Head Todd & the Monsters.  “Off our Aggravated Hip album, we’d like to play our song, “My Soul Starts With So.”

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks as he hit .176 this week with no homers or RBIs.  Member two weeks ago when the Sons of Sam Horn came out of the woodwork to post in the comments how I was selling Lowrie short and he was the best thing since the gay porn reveal episode of The Real World?  Yeah, where are all those people now praising Jed?

Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks and will be sent right back down.  Too bad, so sad.

Jake McGee – Was optioned to Triple-A.  His over/under for saves this year just got a lot more under.

James Shields – Struck out 12 on Saturday.  [Grey's stupid] I’m glad I liked him for a bounce back this year yet didn’t draft him anywhere.  [/Grey's stupid]

Matt Joyce – Hitting in the 4 hole, which is the left nostril if you’re on a porn set, and batting .412 over the last week with 2 homers.  You have to bench him vs. lefties but he’s destroying righties, and there’s, uh, more righties, so there’s that.

Jose Tabata – Out with hamstring tightness.  I have “You better come back soon and hit better than you have been” tightness.

Alex White – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Didn’t look terrible.  Yeah, not a huge compliment.  Honestly, it’s hard to get crazy excited about an Indians rookie pitcher in mixed leagues.  In AL-Only leagues, you’re obviously on board.  In mixed leagues, baby, I’m bored.

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As mentioned last week, we picked Masterson up for a spot start, but because he pitched so well we held onto him.  He now has an ERA of 2.25 and a 1.15 WHIP.  Yeah, who needs Liriano and Gallardo?  You POS’s.

Craig Kimbrel – Had back-to-back rough outings this weekend, but his stuff is still lights out and his manager gave him a vote of confidence.  I’m not worried.  Venters is worth owning but just because he’s a top middle man.

Derek Lowe – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 2.45 BAC.

Bud Norris - 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Here’s what I said in the preseason rankings, “You want a guy that could be this year’s Jonathan Sanchez?  Here ya go.  I mean that in the best of ways and the worst of ways.  He could strikeout 200 while having a walk rate north of 4, a WHIP north of 1.45 and an ERA north of 4.50.” And that’s me quoting me!  So far the walks have been kept in control — literally! — and because of that his ERA and WHIP ain’t too shabby.

Carlos Lee – He was hurt in a collision with Angel Sanchez.  El Caballo was taken off the field as the Astros put the cart before the horse.

Jason Bourgeois – Now has 8 steals in only 36 at-bats and could see more time with Lee out.  Since he’s making the best of his opportunities, guess you could say Bourgeois is a capitalist.

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners (no walks), 7 Ks.  His ERA is up to 4.64 but his xFIP doesn’t look that bad.  Too bad I’m not in any fantasy leagues that use xFIP.

Justin Morneau – Hit his first homer of the year.  Now only one off Melky Cabrera’s 2 homers.

Marlon Byrd – 2-for-4, hitting .295 on the year in the heart of the Cubs order and has 5 RBIs on the year.  How is that possible?  Not rhetorical.  Seriously, what the eff?

Mike Aviles – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & legs.  Now has 5 homers (or Morneau +4) and 6 steals.  Pretty nice start for a guy I wasn’t a fan of.  A lot better than that other schmohawk I wanted no part of Martin Prado (2 HRs, 1 SB, .252 average).  Somehow Aviles is only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Yeah, I have no idea either.

Zach Britton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 walks), 1 K.  Now has 15 walks to 20 Ks in 37 1/3 innings.  So, yes, I would own him, but it’s not all peaches and cream.

Luke Scott – 2-for-4 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 days.  Luke Scott should be picked up immediately after he hits one home run because it’s guaranteed he’ll hit at least 5 more within the next week.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has a 7.20 ERA as things have gotten hairy for Ubaldo.

Fernando Salas – Tony La Russa obviously gets a ten percent commission on all FAAB dollars spent speculating on Cardinal closers.  There’s no Cardinals closer, unless you count the hybrid, Fernchell Frankchez.

David Freese – Suffered a broken bone in his hand and now Freese is on ice.  Pun Master P, “Brilliant!”  Freese will be out for a while, which will give La Russa ample opportunity to play a ton of schmohawks at third base.  If anyone can get Nick Punto 400 at-bats, it’s TLR.

Robinson Cano – Left the game after he hurt his hand.  X-rays came back negative which is actually positive.  Weird!

Dustin Moseley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an 1.63 ERA on the year.  Still wouldn’t trust him in away games in most leagues, but I would definitely own him and run him out there in Petco.  They’re Hodgepadres, ya’ll, just don’t feed them after midnight.

Hanley Ramirez – Hit his first home run of the year.  Another guy that’s breathing down Melky’s neck.

Chris Coghlan – Shoulder woes forced him out of action for a few days and it’ll bother him all year or until he has surgery.  Always sad when a marginal player gets marginally worse.  Well, not really.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 6 ER.  Seems like this is always the case with Gavin Floyd.  Good start, good start, good start, terrible start.  It’s like a form of Duck, Duck, Goose.  Only it’s goose eggs, goose eggs, goose eggs, duck!

Ozzie said that Sergio Santos would be the closer vs. righties.  That means Santos is just the closer closer.  Or as close to it as we’re gonna get.  I don’t know how much I believe this.  Just the other day Ozzie said the White Sox had the best bullpen in the American League.  And he didn’t add “in opposite world,” at the end of the sentence.  I think Sale and Thornton are still in the mix, but it’s old school to go righty vs. righty and maybe Ozzie just wants to kick a little something for the old G’s.  If Sergio Santos can save games for the next week as well as he designs jeans, he could run with the job.  It’s worth the flyer, ya’ll!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Philip Humber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a terrific start.  Also, he had a 4.42 ERA coming into the game and his stuff would have him in middle relief if Peavy were healthy.

Albert Pujols – Didn’t need anything for his hamstring strain and could be ready to go on Tuesday.  Or as that day will forever be called in St. Louis, Thanktheeffinlordday.

Logan Morrison – Had his cast removed and should be able to return when his DL stint ends.  Logan will be putting his cast on eBay.  I hope it fetches more than my VHS copy of Midnight Madness, that awesome 80′s Michael J. Fox movie where they go on a scavenger hunt.  Can’t believe someone stole that from me for $1.99.  It’s a rarity!

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers yesterday, now has 3 homers in the last four games.  Hopefully he doesn’t smash a whipped cream pie into his own face.

Brian Sanches – Got his 3rd vulture win yesterday.  Mujica has 2 wins.  Mike Dunn has a vulture win.  Know how many the Razzball-owned Clay Hensley has?  Rhymes with “Why doesn’t he have one?” and it’s spelled none.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he started in place of Pedro Alvarez vs. a lefty.  That’s a good move to cause me to claw my eyes out.  Thanks, Pittsburgh!

Chris Narveson – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Ouch.  Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch!

Colby Lewis – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 6.95.  To preemptively answer the inevitable Lewis comment, I don’t know what you should do because I wouldn’t have drafted him.

Jose Bautista – Has he got his 50th homer again yet?  Stupid Bautista making me look stupid.

Matt Garza – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock.

Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-5, hitting .478 on the year.  He’s always been an April hitter.  That gives you four more days before the clock strikes crap.

Darwin Barney – Hit his first homer as his owners sang, “I love you, you love me.”

Kendrys Morales – Not getting “full explosion” with his runs.  Sounds like he should eat more Mexican food.

Ryan Zimmerman – Given the okay to resume some baseball activities.  Like spitting and scratching himself.

Willie Bloomquist – Sent to the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring.  Chief Justice Ryan Roberts must’ve Gillooly’d him with a gavel.

Brad Emaus – To the Rockies.  Yeah, just what they need, another second baseman.

Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuce!

Ian Kennedy – After that blip on the radar two weeks ago, it looks like the Kennedy administration is back to kissing babies and glad-handing.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Someone asked in the comments yesterday what it would take for me to trust Burnett.  He had a 1.46 WHIP and 4.37 ERA going into last night’s game.  Last April, he had a 2.43 ERA and ended the year with a 5.26.  This is someone I have to trust?

Brett Gardner – 0-for-2, hitting .136 on the year.  Yahoo’s Pianowski traded me Gardner yesterday for The Lisper’s Nightmare.  I figure Gardner has to come around…Okay, he doesn’t have to, but should and trading for him with Seth Smith, a fantasy fifth outfielder, seems like a decent gamble.  Now tell me what a moron I am.

Phil Hughes – Had a setback in his rehab.  Hughes and his right arm had a moment as the following song played in the background, “I f**ked you once, I f**ked you twice.  I won’t let a 92 MPH heater go at any price.”

Jerry Sands – 3-for-4 with his 2nd steal for his first game in one our team’s lineups.  Hey, we popped our Jerry!

Jonathan Broxton – Blew his first save.  Huh?!  He only has one blown save?  That’s crazy talk.  He hasn’t pitched well in seven months.  And this blown save was due to an error.  If Kuo is on waivers, I’d grab him; he should be back by the end of the week.

Juan Uribe – Missed the entire weekend and out on Monday too.  On a completely unrelated note, how does someone who is bedridden because they are so fat keep eating?  Stop bringing them food!

Don Mattingly – A recent winning streak had Donnie Baseball refusing to shave his goatee.  Andre Ethier had also paused his Brazilian waxing routine.

Elijah Dukes – Arrested for driving with a suspended license.  Elijah said, “I had to get to the Katz’s house before the end of seder!”

We’re gonna try and turn over a new, positive leaf here at Razzball. No longer are we going to sing the blues when one of our favorites doesn’t make the team.  We’re gonna emoticon all over your face for someone else.  That other person just happens to be the guy replacing Mike Minor in the rotation.  Three ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce to you, Mr. Brandon Beachy.  In Triple-A last year, Beachy had a 9+ K/9 with just over a 1 BB/9 through 45 2/3 IP.  That’s purdy.  Let’s see more! Okay, random italicized voice.  In Double-A earlier last year, he had a 12+ K/9 and about a 2 and a half BB/9.  Not bad, but what’s behind curtain number 3?! Random italicized voice, don’t you have some random italicized television to watch?  Snippy! I loved Mike Minor, but you know what?  I can get behind Brandon Beachy, in the non-sexual way.  Has solid strikeout stuff and good control.  Everywhere you have Minor, go with Beachy.  Or Jordan Zimmermann, he’s still butter with the “ER.”  (<–That’s my expression but feel free to use it.)  Anyway, here’s some more news from fantasy baseball:

Kevin Slowey – Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy as he was sent to the buwwpen.

Kendrys Morales – Shut down now because of soreness in his foot.  Must be from carrying around that extra S.

Chris Coghlan – Will be ready for Opening Day.  Man, that’s some yawnstipating news.

Ben Francisco – Haven’t seen this doode on too many teams in the comments.  Why is that?  Not rhetorical.

Brett Gardner – Will bat leadoff against righties.  How is he worse than Ellsbury?  Rhetorical!

Frank Francisco – Wait a second, he went to see Dr. Freeze and now he’s going to the DL?  That’s just crazy talk.  I’d grab Rauch, but, unfortunately, Dotel is looking healthy so he could monkey wrench up this shituation.

Curtis Granderson – Out with a strain of the oblique.  Better than one of those monkey strains that Dustin Hoffman saved the world from in Outbreak.  Or is it?!  Yeah, I think it probably is.  As of this roundup, no news how long Grandy would be out but I’m guessing he’ll miss at least two weeks of the season.

Eugenio Velez – Sprained his ankle.  Dusty Baker said of Velez’s ankles, “I’d like to chew on those toothpicks.”

Will Rhymes – As reported here last week here then argued about how I was wrong in the comments, Rhymes is starting at 2nd for the Tigers.  Since Leyland’s making out the lineup cards, he’ll probably hit Rhymes second.  Why do you care?  Because Will be rhyming and stealing.  It’s SAGNOF, ya’ll.  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Marlon Byrd – Has been on fire in spring training.  And, usually, you put a bowl of crap in one hand and spring training stats in the other and see which one weighs more.  Yet… Actually this is a big YET, Byrd will hit third in the lineup and had a big 1st half last year.  And that’s Grey getting excited about a Byrd in the three hole!  Hmm, that sounds like something that could get you prison time.

Jake Peavy – Threw from 40 feet yesterday.  Only problem it was 40 feet high.  He dropped the ball from a building.

After realizing the 20% off Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon wasn’t redeemable for slugging 2nd basemen, the Marlins parted ways with Dan Uggla.  Now the Marlins have cut loose all the major objectors to Hanley Ramirez’s lack of hustle.  “Yo, I walk with a pimp limp so I can save my energy for when MTV Cribs visits my house.”  <– Not actual Hanley quote.  With the slashed payroll, Jeffrey Loria can get that seventeenth mansion he’s been eyeing.  Good time to be a Marlins fan!  Uggla is really one of those players whose value doesn’t change much with a trade.  30 homers — check!  Not a great average without some luck — check!  Owns douchey Ed Hardy clothing — check!  If anything, Uggla moving to Atlanta will only help his value.  He was better away from Whoever Will Pay The Most Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium down in Miami.  Last year, he hit .308 in away games and .264 in home games.  Also, he hit 19 of his 33 homers away from home.  Plus, he will be hitting in a better lineup.  For 2011, I see Uggla giving you a line of 90/32/100/.265/5.  Anyway, let’s see what other moves happened recently with fantasy baseball repercussions:

Omar Infante – Heads to the Marlins where he’s sure to be revered by the smartest fans in baseball.  (That’s why there’s only 20-something fans at each game.  They’re smart to stay home.)  Infante had a career year in 2010.  I don’t see him repeating it in Whoever Will Pay The Most Money To Sponsor This Godforsaken Stadium.  He’ll probably play 2nd base or 3rd base and be on and off your waivers all year.  If you’re drafting Infante, you ain’t no friend of mine.

Chris Coghlan – Didn’t go anywhere (because if he drives past a Marie Callender’s, he will breakdown crying), but the moving parts could change his position in 2011.  He may play 2nd base if the Marlins move Infante over to 3rd.  That is a value change that could be huge big interesting for fantasy.  We’ll need to watch in Spring Training to see where Coghlan plays.

John Buck – Heads to the Marlins.  I’m hoping the Toronto Sun’s headline was, “Buck Done Gone.”  But what about Ronny Paulino?!  Or Brett Hayes?!  Or Brad Davis?!  Or… Jesus, the Marlins catchers were terrible.  John Buck should still get his share of homers, say, 15-18 and have his average come back to the vicinity of .250.  In other words, it’s all right in NL-Only leagues.  In other leagues, bleh.

Martin Prado – Will probably play all around the field, except 2nd base next year.  He’ll get his ABs though.  Let’s not forget, Glass Chipper is currently penciled in at 3rd.  Pencil with a giant eraser being the optimal writing tool.

Cameron Maybin – Traded to the Padres.  Not a great place for a hitter, unless that hitter doesn’t hit much and only runs. (First time ever the ability for “only runs” is a good thing being five minutes outside of Tijuana.)  With the huge ballpark, it could give Maybin a chance to hit to the gaps and steal bases.  His average might never be above atrocious with all the strikeouts and I don’t think he’s suddenly going to be an All-Star.  Best case scenario, he has 5th outfielder value in mixed leagues.  That’s so Maybin!

Rajai Davis – Heads to the Blue Jays.  Have to change my projections for him.  Add an extra 50 homers.  After the A’s got David DeJesus, they had to part ways with Rajai.  “Too many crappy outfielders on one team spoils the broth,” said Billy Beane as played by Brad Pitt.  Really this does nothing to Rajai’s value.  He’ll play every day and steal.  That’s his bag!

Brandon Morrow lost the no-hitter but pitched as well as any pitcher this year.  9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks and 17 Ks.  Though not everyone was impressed.  When reached for comment after the game, Adam Lind said, “If you gave me 27 outs, I could strike out 17 times.”  Did Morrow go near-no-no vs. the Rays on sheer will or does he have this pedigree?  Is he Edwin Jackson no-no or is he Garza no-no? I’d put him in the 2nd phat camp.  The only thing holding Morrow back from ace territory is the walks.  At 26, there’s time to fix that.  Potatoes to chips, he’s only 26 years old and he LEADS (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) the major leagues for starters in K-rate.  You think I’m gonna be excited about drafting him next year?  Rhetorical!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vernon Wells – Day-to-day with a dislocated toe.  I’ve dislocated my car keys before and sometimes I’ll dislocate one sock from a pair, but to dislocate a toe is pretty scary.

J.P. Arencibia – 4-for-5 with 2 homers in his first game.  Maybe we can fix Mr. Arencibia up with Momma Molina and get ourselves some more Arencibias.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I like when he’s Filthy Sanchez; I want to strangle someone when he’s Sloppy Sanchez.

Omar Infante – 1-for-4 with a home run.  His fantasy value is infantesimal, but he does lead the majors in average the last 30 days.

Takashi Saito – Got the save because Billy Wagner worked the last three days.  In that way Wagner’s like my car, it’s good for about three days then I have to go to my mechanic.

Kevin Slowey – His sore elbow is causing his next start to get pushed back a few days.  Figures it happens just when he started pitching well.  Why don’t you just take my pea puree while you’re at it?

Matt LaPorta – 3-for-4 and his second homer in 3 games.  We’ve had a few false starts from LaPorta this year where it looked like he was about to get hot.  Might finally be there now.  And that’s me lukewarmly recommending LaPorta!

Chris Carter – Was called up yesterday.  With Daric Barton nursing shoulder spasms, Carter will see the bulk of the time at 1st base.  Carter was #9 on the top 50 prospects for fantasy baseball.  Hit 27 homers with a .262 average in Triple-A this year while driving in 89 RBIs.  He can be Ryan Howard in a year or two.  If Morrow didn’t pitch the game of the season, Carter would’ve been your lead for today’s roundup.  He’s a must grab in keepers and AL-Only leagues, though I imagine he’s gone already.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him if I needed help at my corner infidel spot.  I expect he’ll give you what Stanton’s been giving you minus the steals (power, low average), but there’s upside for more.

Andrew Bailey – Will need at least another week.  Oh, and Wuertz got another save yesterday.

Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with two steals to bring his total to 26.  Nice that at least someone is stealing on the Mets.  Reyes, my sarcasm is directed towards you.  If you’re not Jose Reyes you can skip ahead, this is for him.  Not sure what’s going on, but you look so tentative on the base paths.  You wait until the 4th or 5th pitch of ABs to steal and, by point, the hitter is either striking out or fouling the ball off.  Run on the first pitch!  Now let’s do our 17 step handshake.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-4 and a 15 game hitting streak with 4 homers.  I-BON-yes.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the person who is going to ask, no, I still don’t like Porcello.  I promise December Grey will reevaluate.

Jack Wilson – Fractured his right hand in a slip in the bathroom as he put the oofa in loofah.

Trevor Hoffman – Took longer than I thought it would, but the Brewers are finally saying Hoffman and Axford will share closing duties.  If you’re an Axford owner, hope it doesn’t take Hoffman as many opportunities for his 600th as it took A-Rod.

Jeremy Hellickson – Wade Davis and Jeff Niemann are both experiencing shoulder tightness and Hellickson is being held out of his Triple-A start on Tuesday in case the Rays need him.  I’d grab Hellickson now because I doubt both pitchers will be pushed with shoulder issues.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs with his 25th homer and 18th steal.  CarGo’s the King of the Slam & Legs.  I think he’s officially moving into overrated territory for 2011.

Pedro Alvarez – On Saturday, he hit his third homer in the last five games.  He now has 10 homers in 167 ABs.  Since the royal we are on the topic of 2011, I think I know who I’m ending up with next year when I punt 3rd base.

Alfredo Simon – Got the save as he gave up two runs.  Buck Showalter, if this is the stamp you’re putting on the O’s, it’s making you look Sally Draper crazy.

Felix Pie – 1-for-4 with a homer.  This week he also has 2 steals while hitting near-.350.  Could be a source of light power and light speed.  He’s like a poor man’s Big FraGu.

Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and has a 3.12 ERA on the year.  His K:BB and K-rate is far from inspiring but he gets the Indians next time out.  Seems like a decent H2H gamble (no relation to Rudy).

Chone Figgins – 2-for-3 with his 3rd steal this week.  Holy douchetards, Figgy is finally hitting (over .450 in the last week).

Everth Cabrera – 3-for-4, when I saw he had three hits, I immediately thought to myself, has he done that yet this year?  He had.  On the 2nd day of the season.  Ah fanabla…

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 Runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Jerry Hairston Sr. who?!  Huh?!  I don’t picture Jr. going on some kind of homer barrage, but he’s shortstop eligible, so there’s that.

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The Padres haven’t let him throw more than a 100 pitches in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Chris Coghlan – Done for the year with surgery to repair the injury that he sustained while smashing a cream pie in Wes Helms’ face.  Coghlan vowed that next time he will just squeeze his lapel flower and squirt Helms with water.

Leo Nunez – Edwin Rodriguez, the Marlins manager, said that if Nunez doesn’t cut out blowing saves, he’s turning to a closer by committee. When Edwin said it, he made the Full House ‘cut it out’ hand motion.  I grabbed Clay Hensley.  Afterwards, I thought to myself, did I really just pick up Clay Hensley?

Gordon Beckham – Out with a sore groin.  Ozzie said, “I don’t think it’s that bad.  I don’t know if he was diving for the ball, or it was just a tight groin. We’ll go by ears how he feels.”  I think Ozzie’s confusing seashells with groins.

Angel Sanchez – Hitting .500 over the last week.  When I was looking at hitters to pickup for today’s short schedule, I looked at Angel Sanchez for a long time, but I got William Shatner finger and I….just…couldn’t….pick…him…up.