Holy shizzballs. That’s not the Urban Dictionary definition of shizzballs either, which is when you shizz your grapes. That’s shizzballs as in this is the greatest display of sexiness since a young Kim Cattrall was featured in a window display. Brian Dozier is doing more for the long ball than any old man with shizzballs could ever imagine. That’s back to the original definition of shizzballs. Right now, Dozier is the exact perfect moment when your 12-year-old self pressed the buttons perfectly together on the old cable box and unscrambled Playboy TV at its best, with a perfectly scrolled, snowy version of Naughty Candid Camera. Trying to cover, when being caught, “It’s Allen Funt, mom. Uh…Maybe that’s not an F on the front of his last name.” Yesterday, Brian Dozier hit three more homers — 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .279 — and now has 38 homers on the year, and is easily leading the entire majors for homers in the 2nd half with 24 homers. For 2017, he’s going to be tough to peg, due to his inflated HR/FB% and falling line drive rate, but he doesn’t look much worse than a 25 HR/15 SB guy, which still has value. For this year, obviously you ride the lightning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not quite as spiritually moving as John Lennon, but imagine for a moment Jose Abreu were to actually put together two solid halves in the same year. “Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try. No ‘He’ll end up below Andrus,’ for half the year. Above Andrus only this Jose guy. Imagine Abreu playing a decent, full season like today. Aha-ha… Imagine there’s no countries. It isn’t hard to do. Nothing to drop or trade for, and no ‘Abreu’s so cold it’s like this hell has a fridge in it’ too. Imagine all the people living to get a piece of…Abreu… You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one! I hope some day Abreu’ll be better than Andrus, and play an entire season as one.” So, Jose Abreu hit two homers yesterday (3-for-7, 7 RBIs, and 21st and 22nd HRs), and he’s been great recently, but it’s hard to get that excited about a guy for 2017 who invariably takes three months off every year. Can’t imagine he’s a top 25 player ever again. You-WHO-OOH! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On Sunday, Nolan Arenado broke out of a mini-slump and hit his first home run since August 8. He couldn’t have asked for a better matchup this week than the one that he gets on Tuesday night against Chase Anderson and the Brewers. This game is on the road, so it doesn’t have quite the positive effect on hitters, but Miller Park is one of the more hitter friendly parks in the league–it just isn’t Coors on a hot summer night. Arenado has owned Anderson throughout his career, hitting three home runs in 20 career at-bats against the righty. Priced at just $4,500, Arenado is actually reasonable. If he goes on an extended hot streak, his price will surely jump, so use him at a mild bargain. You’ll see below who I recommend building your lineup around. Arenado comes in right behind the burly right-hander from the North Side of Chicago.
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 29th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.Please, blog, may I have some more?
At Stephen Strasburg‘s summer DL rental, the driveway is an inverted W and he timeshares with Ryan Zimmerman. The Nationals said Strasburg’s elbow issue is not structural. Yeah, it’s deconstructed like a Cobb salad at some overpriced restaurant. I’m sure Strasburg is totally fine and it’s completely coincidental that he has a 10.19 ERA in August. Totally unrelated, guys and five girl readers, totally unrelated. Strasburg feels like the kind of pitcher that we can never rely on for more than 150 IP. In five years, he’s thrown 200+ IP once and he’s 28 years old. Oh, and ‘member how Strasburg was supposed to bounce back this year? He currently has the worst ERA of his career. Yeah, great. In my fantasy team news, because who doesn’t love someone talking about their fantasy team, Strasburg hit the DL about an hour after my weekly Scout league locked. The same league where I was in first a week ago before Strasburg went to Coors and Lackey went to the DL. The same league where I’m now in 2nd. The same league where I needed Strasburg to start twice this week and Lackey was set to face the Padres. The same league that ends at the end of August. The same league that just made me cry. I need a tissue, you karmic bullies! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When I was fresh out of college, I worked at a web company (everyone did in the 90s). There was four of us. The other three had real job titles; I was the gofer/do-whatever. It was about a month before I was going back to school for my Master’s. I had no intention of keeping the job. Honestly, I doubt they would’ve kept me for that full month if I weren’t leaving. I failed at everything they assigned me, but they kept giving me new tasks, hoping I’d succeed. The only task I seemed capable of was heating up pre-cooked sausages from Trader Joe’s. I made sausages on a grill for three weeks straight, so, when I finally did leave, they gave me a plaque that reads, “Who wants some sausages?” This brings me to the sudden and incomprehensible rise of Yulieski Guerriel. The Astros are that company, and YuGu is me. The Astros seem between a rock of “We really want this guy to succeed” and “We have about a month left and we’re just hoping something works.” Yulieski hasn’t failed in the minors, he’s looked completely lost. He hit .118 in Double-A, was promoted to Triple-A and hit .222. I could see grabbing Guerriel in all leagues to see if he can get lucky, and figure out how to make something other than pre-cooked sausages for lunch, but the Astros are not promoting him because of how well he’s looked. They’re promoting him because there’s about a month left. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As a Mariners fan, it’s very rare I have much of any empathy for other teams and their fans, especially teams that just came off winning a World Series. And yet, here I am looking at the sad state of the Royals and think to myself ‘how many black cats crossed this team’s path?’. A majority of KC’s masterpiece last year was the young nucleus staying healthy, guided by Alex Gordon as the vet, and a crazy good bullpen. Flash forward to this year and it seems like the entire team is on the DL. No really! This is not the roster it was back in 2015 and the numbers resemble it. The Royals have the 5th worst wRC+ on the year and are K’ing about 5% more than they did last year. But even those numbers lie a little because it keeps some of the early part of the year – read: when the team was healthier – in the equation. So instead, I’m looking at their second half numbers and yup, worst team in baseball by wRC+ standards. Yes, worse than the Phillies and the Braves. Yes, that is really, really gross. But now that I’ve done all that research, it’s time to turn it into some cash money and with that, we get Tyler Duffey. Tyler’s game log inspires zero confidence as it’s about as up and down as a certain type of professional dancer around certain poles. That said, at $5,700, he inspires me to call him my SP2 in tourneys. Now that we’ve turned the Royals’ pain into our gain, let’s see what else we should do. Here’s my hung over and maybe still drunk taeks for this Saturday DK slate…
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday August 15th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Carlos Correa (4-for-8, 4 runs, 4 RBIs) hit two homers across the doubleheader (three in last three games), making it look easy like North Korea during the ‘imaginary’ Olympics that are being aired in North Korea. “It looks like the U.S.A. is going to take 1st place…” Bad editing splice job, 20 second lag, bad voiceover, “And North Korea just edges out 1st place! Wow, this will be…” Bad editing splice job, obvious voiceover, “North Korea’s one billionth medal win.” By the way, are you as surprised as me that during Olympic competitions you haven’t see any of this: “Okay, Argentina will now be serving for the win. Whoa, I think the Spanish coach just unleashed a nest of mosquitos! He’s Zika’ing them out!” Seriously, no one is Zika’ing out their opponents. So, Carlos Correa found some of his footing yesterday that he showed last August/September. Wait, is he only an August and September player? Septacular! Now he’s going to get to 25+ HRs on the year and be overdrafted again next year. We need a bad editing splice job to remove his 2nd half stats for next preseason. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Carlos Gomez was designated for assignment. Outfielders in the tier of guys in the preseason I told you not to draft: Pence, Kemp, Gomez, Schwarber, Hanley, Corey Dickerson, Ellsbury, Brantley, Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez. I’ll take a 7-for-10. You believed still in the preseason about Carlos Gomez, didn’t you? *touches finger to nose but not for a sobriety test* I’m more surprised by the people shocked by Gomez’s fall from grace. *makes crazy, rolly finger motion by ear* Anyone who saw him in his prime knew he was gonna find a steep cliff. Even when he broke out, the underlying stats told you something had to change or he wasn’t going to have continued success. *sticks finger in nose, smiles* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
When Jonathan Lucroy vetoed the trade to the Indians this past weekend, I thought we were going to find out Lucroy was Joey Lauren Adams in Chasing Amy. Other teams were going to try and convert him into one of their players, but he was always going to continue to play for the other team. Then, at some point, he was going to describe oral sex in insane, graphic detail, using balls, bats, and a gear shift, and other teams were just going to give up trying to get him to play for their team. Then it turned out the Brewers were not going to be “Holden” him forever, you can “Banky” on it. Jonathan Lucroy and Jeremy Jeffress were Chinese finger-cuffed to each other and sent to the Rangers for Lewis Brinson and Luis Ortiz. By the way, Luis/Lewis is the Spanish version of tomato-tomahto. I wonder what the Brewers finally said to Lucroy. “We love you, but, dude, if you really love this organization, you’ll get the eff out of here. Go!” Then cried in the rain all super-weepy like Ben Affleck. So, Lucroy gets a small boost in value from the lineup, but the stadium change is nearly a push. As for Jeremy Jeffress, who is Jason Lee in this scenario, will work set up for Sam Dyson, who will keep the job. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Indians traded Clint Frazier, Justus Sheffield, Ben Heller and J.P. Feyereisen for Andrew Miller. A regular Thanksgiving bounty to the Yankees as the Indians received SAGNOF and smallpox. Hopefully, the Indians don’t have reservations later about those prospects they sent for Miller and want them back like, um, a regretful trade partner. For a second this weekend, it appeared that the Indians traded for Miller and Jonathan Lucroy, but Lucroy vetoed the trade. Looks like Milwaukee is a bunch of Brewer-givers. Will say this, it was a bold trade by Cleveland vs. sitting around Indian-style as they did all offseason. So, Miller becomes the de facto closer in Cleveland, and remains a top five closer in fantasy. Cody Allen gets his value boinked on the head and it’s now seeing stars. Mean’s while, in New York, Dellin Betances becomes the 9th inning man for the Yankees and, taking over setup, is their newly acquired, Tyler Clippard. That’s right, the Yankee Clippard! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?