Fantasy Baseball Advice

These guys are ON FIRE…will they stay hot?

Asdrubal Cabrera – Cabrera’s been having a tremendous season. His 11 HR’s on the year are nearly double his previous career high of 6 HR, and his .306 batting average is almost 20 points higher than his .287 career line. Preseason projections were decent, but not earth shattering. Bill James had Cabrera going .292, 8 HR, 59 RBI, 78 R, 13 SB, and ZiPs projected a very similar .286, 8 HR, 46 RBI, 55 R, 9 SB. So, obviously, while his numbers would be quite decent in deeper, mixed leagues, he was a fringe starter at best. And yet, as we enter the second week of June, Cabrera is ranked #9 overall in Yahoo! fantasy leagues, good enough to lay the claim as the highest ranked shortstop in the game, above stalwarts Jose Reyes, Troy Tulowitzki, and Hanley Ramirez. So what’s the deal?

Analysis: Cabrera’s having a great season, and I hate to take anything away from that. But really, where is this coming from? The best power he ever displayed professionally came in 2007, when he hit 8 HR’s in 105 games across Double- and Triple-A. So while natural growth and progression could have allowed him to increase his 6-8 HR’s per year to 12-15, his current pace (31) is way beyond any previous expectations or results. So as much as I want to believe in the guy, it’s hard to do so with a serious face. Yes, he’s changed his approach at the plate, taking bigger swings on advice from teammate Orlando Cabrera. But unlike last year’s freak breakout, Jose Bautista, Asdrubal Cabrera has absolutely no history of any power. At least Bautista had the second half of 2009, in which he slugged 11 HR’s in 193 at-bats. I’m calling the bluff here. Sell high.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: .293, 18 HR, 73 RBI, 85 R, 20 SB

Alex Gordon – Alex Gordon had me worried for a little while there. After I touted him so highly in preseason, I looked pretty good for the first month. But after seeing his OPS reach .940 on May 1st, he went into a bit of a free-fall, and by May 19th, it was down to .780. For all intents and purposes, it looked like Gordon wasn’t having the breakout season it had first seemed. But now, after a brilliant two weeks, his OPS is back up to .838, and his 162-game pace is .287, 19 HR, 85 RBI, 102 R, and 14 SB. Superstar? Not quite yet, but certainly a useful player.

Analysis: I’ve always liked Gordon, ever since he was drafted in the 1st Round of the 2005 MLB Draft. His minor league career was obviously brilliant, albeit brief in its one season. As such, after 4 seasons of relative mediocrity at the Major League level, doubters were plentiful. His ZiPs preseason projection was a mere .257, 10 HR, 39 RBI, 51 R, and 6 SB. But he’s made strides in 2011, hitting the ball with more authority and lowering his K-rate to 21.4% (previous career low had been 24.3%). His ISO is now sitting at .192, nothing amazing but also nothing to sneeze at, and the emergence of Eric Hosmer has finally given Gordon and teammate Billy Butler some additional lineup protection. While my original projection of 25 HR’s may look a little optimistic right now, I do think he’ll come fairly close.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: .286, 22 HR, 85 RBI, 90 R, 9 SB

Dillon Gee – Young and unheralded, Dillon Gee has had quite the start to his Major League career. Over his first 16 career games (13 starts), Gee’s line reads 8-2, 2.90 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, 87.0 IP / 56 K. Not shabby, eh? He was drafted in the 21st Round of the 2007 MLB Draft and, after 437.2 minor league innings, managed a 3.78 ERA and 1.18 WHIP to go along with a brilliant 4.05 SO/BB ratio. So why wasn’t Gee found on any top prospect lists? Well, his draft status obviously played a role, as did his “stuff,” which is decent but nothing mind-shattering. Gee was thus projected as a low-floor, low-ceiling pitcher who could fit in nicely as a #5 starter. But he hasn’t performed that way. Instead, he’s given every impression of being a solid mid-rotation starter. Much like Jon Niese before him, Gee has provided hope for the Mets’ future rotation.

Analysis: As mentioned, Gee’s minor league SO/BB ratio was tremendous. Given that his career K-rate in the minors was 7.9, he’s proved his ability to get batters out despite his high 80′s fastball. True, most top starters have a zippier pitch, but there also have been plenty of pitchers who won games without an All Star arsenal. Gee’s poise is that of a veteran; despite being only 4 years removed from not being allowed a legal can of beer, Gee has shown great command on the mound. That being said, being smart and in control does not  make one an ace. His 2011 MLB K-rate of 6.5 is too low in comparison to his BB-rate of 3.3. As such, I don’t see him maintaining an ERA in the low 3′s. He’s also encountered a bit of good luck, with an opposing BABIP of merely .232. He’ll have a rookie collapse at some point, and with his below-average fastball, those starts could be ugly. Still, all in all, I do think he’s a decent pitcher. Consider him an option in deeper mixed and NL-only leagues. Keep in mind, of course, that his youth may push the Mets to monitor his innings as the year progresses.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: 13 W, 3.88 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 150 IP / 110 K

Anibal Sanchez – He was always highly thought of. He was ranked as the #40 overall prospect by Baseball America in 2006, and seemed primed to become a future front line starter. But it didn’t happen- not a fault of his talent. Rather, it’s the injury bug that’s continuously bitten, forcing him to fall short of 30 starts in all but one season, 2010. In that season, however, he pitched very well: 13 W, 3.55 ERA, 1.34 WHIP, 195 IP / 157 K. He also had a tremendous rookie season, for those of you who could remember all the way back to 2006. That year, he went 10-3 with a 2.83 ERA. So, it’s not totally unprecedented for him to succeed. But will he continue to do so?

Analysis: Sanchez is having a huge year, and seems to be finally delivering on his vast potential. Both his K- and BB-rates are lined up to be career highs, and he’s only gotten better as the season’s progressed. Additionally, after a newly developed labrum tear operation, his average velocity is actually up to 91.3 MPH (a good bit higher than his career average). Most importantly, Sanchez’s command has seen tremendous improvement. He’s sporting near career highs in contact-rate, first-strike percentage, and in-zone contact rate. Reportedly, he’s also improved the movement on his secondary options, and is using his slider and change-up to rack up the K’s. So long as he stays healthy, which his recent surgery should hopefully ensure, Sanchez looks every bit a #2 starter.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: 14 W, 3.35 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 203 IP / 200 K

Wow, it’s chilly in here…will the ice thaw?

Dan Uggla – The Braves signed Dan Uggla for his power, which thankfully he’s provided some of by hitting 7 HR’s thus far. His other numbers, however, are deplorable. An OPS of .559 isn’t even bench player material on a bad team, let alone that of a middle of the order slugger on a contending one. While his OPS hasn’t been good at any point this year, it’s absolutely plummeted since hitting a high note (.706) on April 4th.

Analysis: Nobody expected Uggla to repeat his .287 batting average from 2010; a player with his below average speed simply can’t sustain a BABIP of .330. But 2011 has provided a complete reversal in fortune, as Uggla’s BABIP now sits at .186. Additionally, while he’s actually striking out at the 2nd best rate of his career (20.6%), his walk rate (7.9%) is the 2nd worst of his career. So while he’s making slightly better contact (in that he’s not missing pitches for strike 3′s), he’s also seen a pretty substantial drop in his patience. This could be due to him getting frustrated by his bad luck. Or perhaps he’s getting antsy with Turner Field’s large dimensions. Either way, it’s not a good thing. Still, Uggla’s track record is too good for this. He’s hit no less than 27 HR’s in any single season, so while his batting average may never again top .265, there’s no reason to think that the power will vanish. With a .174 batting average, there’s really nowhere to go but up. Buy low, and thank the Maker you can get these kind of numbers out of a second baseman.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: .245, 26 HR, 78 RBI, 75 R, 3 SB

Chone Figgins – Ya know when you just don’t like a guy? Not personally, of course, but as a fantasy baseball asset? For me, that guy has always been Chone Figgins. I think it’s the fact that the extent of his fame far exceeds what is worthy of a player with a sub-100 career OPS+. Or maybe it’s because I expect speed players to score 100+ runs on an annual basis. Perhaps it’s simply my confusion on how to pronounce his first name. Whatever the reason, I’ve never drafted Chone Figgins, and have never advised others to, either. Now he’s mired in a season-long funk, which has only gotten worse over the past several weeks. Yes, he’s stolen a few bases when he’s actually been on, but that’s about it.

Analysis: Figgins’ steals are actually not as valuable as they may seem. With only 7 steals to go along with his 5 times being caught, Figgins has been extremely inefficient on the base paths. I wonder how many green lights he’ll be given going forward considering that success rate. To make matters worse, his walk rate (5%) is well below his career average of 9.9%, and his BABIP of .209 is inexcusable given his speed. While Figgins possesses a career batting average of .282, he did hit .259 last season, showing perhaps that his decline had already begun. When speed players decline, they do so at a fairly quick pace. Manager Eric Wedge has benched Figgins a few times so far, and if Figgins can’t get his act together, I can see it becoming a growing trend. Not feeling too much warmth here…if you can part ways successfully, it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: .235, 2 HR, 30 RBI, 45 R, 22 SB

Max Scherzer – A huge second half in 2010 (2.47 ERA, 102.0 IP / 96 K) had Scherzer primed for a giant year in 2011. While he’s continued to strike batters out at a substantial pace (8.50 K-rate thus far), his GB% has dropped 6 points from his career average, and he’s allowed a career high 1.38 HR/9. He’s been simply dreadful as of late, allowing 14 ER and 16 H over his last 8.2 IP.

Analysis: Outside of 4 starts, Scherzer has been lights out in 2011. He’s had 7 starts in which he’s allowed 2 runs or less over 5.0 IP, and has also struck out 7+ batters in, again, 7 of his starts. I guess 7 truly is a lucky number. So really, it’s only his last couple of starts that have been a concern. The first, in which he gave up 7 earned runs (again with 7′s?!) in a mere 2.0 IP against the Red Sox was truly brutal. Still, it’s hard to imagine Scherzer has completely lost it. There have been no reports of decreased velocity and, despite being bashed during those starts, Scherzer maintained his K- and BB-rates. I see no reason to believe his recent performance represents a long-term depression. Sit him during his next start to allow him to stretch a bit, but be prepared to insert him back into your rotation soon. While he may encounter a dip or two like this, he’ll contribute in big ways for your W and K categories.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: 15 W, 3.85 ERA, 1.31 WHIP, 201 IP / 193 K

Joakim Soria – Who could possibly have seen this one coming? Soria entered the year as an easy choice for Top 5 Closer, but recently lost his job to rookie Aaron Crow. Earning losses and blown saves during his 3 most recent opportunities, Soria gave up 10 hits and 8 earned runs across a mere 2.1 IP. While he sported a 3.86 ERA prior to those games, that’s not too wonderful for a closer, and even worse considering his 2.35 career mark. So what gives?

Analysis: Soria’s metrics are all over the place right now. His K-, BB-, and HR/9 rates are all career worsts, and his first-pitch strike and swinging strike rates have been simply awful. Moreover, his 18.5% outside swing rate is currently last among all qualified MLB relievers, meaning that hitters aren’t chasing his moving balls for strikes. Additionally, scouting reports have been stating his cutter, which has been a plus pitch in the past, has faltered, and for some reason, he has all but abandoned his curve, which had previously been his out pitch. Still, it’s hard to imagine Soria’s morphed suddenly into Mel Rojas, so don’t drop him quite yet. While you’ll need to make allowances for the closer position, Soria should eventually regain his spot. He’s pitched perfectly in each of his last 2 outings (3.0 IP, 0 H, 0 ER), so that may be happen sooner than later.

Fantasy Baseball King’s Bold Prediction: 27 SV, 3.98 ERA, 1.32 WHIP, 65 IP / 58 K

Justin Morneau hit two homers yesterday.   Yay!  He’s not only back but he just called from the year twenty-fourteen and said he’s going to hit 30 more homers this year.  Because he’s a big, fat liar.  He lies with his home runs and his fictitious calls from the future.  There’s a stat I just made up called POOP (Players Out Of Power), where you take the fly balls a player hits and the injuries to their noggin, neck and back and you divide it by pi and Morneau gets a -7 on the POOP scale.  He can’t even do well with a made-up stat I created to make him look bad.  Well, I guess that makes sense.  And now you’re making me look stupid?!  I hate you, Morneau.  Take your dopey, fragile (hey, it’s Italian!) body and go back to Canada.  They’ll treat you for free there!  These two home runs yesterday are your last chance to sell Morneau.  Aim someone’s eyes away from the pathetic Twins offense, the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome pitching park, the Mauer-less lineup, the .299 OBP this year, the 8 homer pace and the pinched nerve in his neck that will probably shut him down in August when the Twins are eliminated and sell him!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Garfield from Parking Wars is placing a boot back on Ike’s foot because it’s not healing properly.  I think the Mets doctors went to the same med school as Steve Guttenberg in Bad Medicine.

Daniel Murphy – Just when you thought the middle infidel schmohawks would go away, here comes another one.  Murphy’s hitting near .500 over the last week and 8 for his last 14.  No power, no speed, but he’s a hot schmotato.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He was showing a backdoor curve that would give any man in The Castro a run for his money.  I honestly expected to watch Lyles and Cobb yesterday and like Cobb more, but Lyles was much more dominant.  I started him in a few mixed leagues, and will continue to do so.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and it felt like he urinated on my Reggie Jackson baseball card collection.

Tyler Colvin – Was recalled with Soriano headed to the DL.  I’m not sure of Colvin’s playing time, but Matthew Berry thinks Colvin can hit 40 homers.  Go big or go home!

Peter Bourjos – 1-for-4 with his 6th steal.  Bourjos should have at least 15 steals by now.  Who’s the baserunning coach in Anaheim?  Dexter Fowler?

Brett Lawrie – He left yesterday’s game after being hit by a pitch on the hand.  Then he hashtagged a tweet later saying it was just a bruise and he’ll be fine.  Then he hashtagged he was going to see Hangover II, then he hashtagged what Logan Morrison was eating for dinner, then Logan Morrison hashtagged the word ‘dude.’  A rumor has Lawrie coming up this Friday.  Another rumor has him coming out of seedy motel with Rebecca Gayheart.

Chone Figgins – Will get a few days off to clear his head.  To clear me head, I like to put on bicycle shorts and go for a spin in my Camaro with the license plate, STACHE.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a homer as the lead-off hitter hit cleanup.  Guess it’ll give him more time in the on-deck circle to work on his slap bunts.

Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s it broken down to you so simple that Larry, the Cable Guy could understand it.  He’s in a tough division and he’s a rookie.  In mixed, redraft leagues, I’d continue to let him sit on waivers.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-2 and his 9th home run as he leads the major leagues in batting average.  Yeah, not even his parents would’ve put money on that.  And he’s a real momma’s boy.

Anibal Sanchez – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I will continue to point out how I dropped him after his 2nd start of the year so at least someone can get some schadenfreude out of this.

Kelly Johnson – Another day, another home run.  BTW, doesn’t he have a name that sounds like your buddy’s sister?  “Dude, don’t invite Kelly Johnson to the party.  It’s always awkward when she’s flirting with me in front of her brother.”

Brett Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Oh.  Wait, what?  Ouch.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, his 17th homer and 8th steal.  Three ladies and gentlemen, Curtis Granderson is your fantasy MVP for the first two months.  Ain’t that a shin in the kicks?

Matt Wieters – 1-for-4 with his 5th home run.  Good to see he’s still playing baseball.  I had no idea.

Brandon Morrow – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I have a real problem when I don’t even see the six earned runs and all I see is the nine Ks.  I need help!

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday because he was warming up when the Red Sox made it a save situation.  Santos is still the closer, assuming Ozzie wakes up on the same side of the bed he has been for the last month.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBI and 2 homers.  I’m glad so many people dropped him.  More Danny Espinosa for me!

Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  Last year, a 9.45 ERA in May.  This year, more bupkis.  Like his eyes, his season comes in two shades, May and not-May.

Andres Torres – 1-for-5 with his 6th steal.  Yesterday, a homer.  Tomorrow, probably an injury.  But I’d own him while he was hitting and running.

Ryan Vogelsong – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I feel like everyone on the Giants, outside of Lincecum, I always say the same thing about — they’re not that good.   Vogelsong, really isn’t.  I swear.  Now watch as he continues to baffle hitters.

Brandon Belt – Was hit by a pitch on the wrist but the x-rays came back negative.  Bochy said Belt would miss a few days.  Days Bochy wasn’t going to play him anyway.

David Freese – Says he’s way ahead of schedule for his next setback.

Cameron Maybin – To the 15-day DL with patellar tendinitis, who was this lovely Indian chap who sat next to me in Bio 101.

Cliff Lee – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Nats.  The Adverb was far from suffixient.

BABIP is Batting Average on Balls In Play.  And they sometimes lie, even if Shakira sang, BABIPs Don’t Lie.  BABIP is a quick way to know how much luck a hitter is having.  There’s more to it, but for the purposes of this, a high BABIP for a hitter and it means the hitter could hit a bloop single just over the pitcher’s head with the infield drawn in.  Below .200 and the hitter could hit a line drive into the Grand Canyon and it would get caught by Alice on the back of a mule.  Then there’s HR/FB%, which is a quick way to know if a hitter is hitting more home runs than what makes sense for that player’s amount of fly balls.  Then there’s LD%, which is the percentage of hits that are line drives.  Line drives are usually a sign of solid contact aka a player is hitting the ball hard.  Finally, K% or the percentage a hitter Ks.  So why all the fancy acronyms?  Is it just gas for your inevitable brain fart?  Nah, we’re going to see if there’s any hitters out there that are being sucky because they’re unlucky or unsucky because they’re lucky.  Anyway, here’s some hitters that have been lucky or unlucky so far for fantasy baseball:

Jorge Posada – His line drive rate is off the charts terrible-slash-everything he hits is a fly ball.  So the BABIP of .081 is egregiously low, it might only get up to .220.  Meaning Posada’s average will come up but it’s not going above .240.

Chone Figgins – His line drive rate isn’t off the charts terrible, he’s hitting a few too many fly balls and his walk rate is similar to a 95-year-old.  Yet!  His BABIP is way too low.  He’s going to get much better.  Say a hundred points better in average.

Brett Gardner – Last year’s BABIP was .340.  In 2009, it was .311.  This year it’s .179.  He’s scuffling badly with strikeouts and lack of walks, but he can’t possibly get worse.

Carl Crawford – His fly ball rate, line drive rate, K-rate and walk rate are near his career averages.  His career BABIP is .329.  Right now, it’s .194.  That’s silly low.  He’s a .300 hitter temporarily hitting .170.

Russell Martin – His HR/FB% right now is 35%.  His career rate is below 10%.  He’s playing just a tad over his head.

Lance Berkman – His HR/FB% is 30%, which is way above his career rate, his fly ball rate is actually lower than his career rate, his infield hit percentage is almost four times higher than his career rate, his BABIP is sixty points above his career rate… I think you get the picture.  At some point, the bottom will fall out hard.

Ian Kinsler – His line drive rate is fine, his ground ball rate is fine, his BUPKIS percentage is in line with his career rates, his BABIP is way too low and there is no BUPKIS percentage.  If Kinsler stays healthy, he’s going to be absolutely fine.

Not that there’s anything wrong about being from NJ.  Both Rudy and I are proud to be from NJ, though not in NJ.  NJ ex-pats are great.  We spread our love of high-haired women and capicola around the country.  As for Jay Bruce, he’s sucking on the ol’ suckhole.  You can say that again, but please don’t just say it again cause that’s lame; I really don’t like when people do that. Okay, random italicized voice.  Though I have cut back to three cups of coffee a day, so that’s helped with my patience. Can I continue?  Yup. We’re all on the same page that it’s only two weeks into the season, right?  If Bruce had 12 homers in April and went into a two week slump, you’d care?  Well, probably a little, but c’mon.  It’s insane the amount of people in comments and our fantasy baseball forums ready to jump ship on Bruce.  There’s no projection changes on him.  He’s a hair away from what you’re going to get from Nelson Cruz.  If you can trade a sucker owner seventy cents on the dollar for Bruce, you do that all day and twice on Muesday.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

David Murphy – Probably the number one hitter pick-up this week.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  Murphy is worth a grab in all leagues while Hamilton tries to find someone to blame for his fragile body and awkward headfirst slide.  Isn’t the first step accepting personal responsibility for your own shortcomings?

Sam Fuld – The other shoe is gonna drop any day now and Fuld will go back to hunting wabbits and being unownable.

Johnny Damon – I know, exciting!  Next I’m gonna tell you to eat your vegetables and wear aqua socks in the locker room to avoid Athlete’s foot.  The entire Rays offense started the season a week and a half late, Damon included.  He’s far from a huge upside play, but he should be owned in more than 20% of leagues.

Daniel Murphy – Middle infidel options this week are boring with a dash of yawnstipating.  The Mets seemed to figure out Emaus is sick as in unhealthy, not sick as in sick.

Maicer Izturis – Hey, hey, how ya doing?  Maicer, what goes on, Maicer?  Tomorrow, it’s Saturday, Saturday, it’s a Saturday.  And it’s time for some bleh stats from Maicer.

Jamey Carroll – Um… Let’s see what positive I can say.  He has a hot girl name?  Yeah, I got nothing.  He’s playing.  That’s it.

Jed Lowrie – People seem to love good ol’ Jed.  Well, move to Beverly Hills!  He’s a pretty light hitting MI.  Not much more than Polanco even with everyday ABs.  He is hitting and playing right now though.

Jon Herrera – Won’t continue to be as valuable as he’s been this week, but he does have speed.  SAGNOF!

David Freese – Lost Zimmerman?  Turn your FML into YML (Yay My Life)!  For a limited time only, Freese will adequately fill in with the outside chance of staying productive for the whole year.

Wilson Betemit – He’s an Own While Hitting, which needs a snappier name and it might find its way into the glossary.

Brian Fuentes – How is he owned in less than 40% of ESPN leagues?  Did Andrew Bailey sign up for 60% of ESPN leagues?

Sean Burnett – Riggleman, who is not related to the Jigga man, says Storen will share chances, but Burnett is actually, ya know, getting saves.

Kyle Farnsworth – For those sitting in the back of the room, chewing on gum and passing notes, Farnsworth is the Rays closer.

Matt Thornton/Chris Sale/Sergio Santos – Mergio Thornsale is getting saves for the Pale Hose and they’re runny.

Chris Narveson – Was in last week’s Buy/Sell, is in this week’s, will he wear the Three Wolf Moon shirt and go for the Pat Riley-patented three-peat next week?

Zach Britton – You got your tickets for Wootstock, you eat Jujubes like they’re your acne medicine and Britton has been on your team since he was a junior in high school.  Fair enough.  For those non-mavericks reading along, you can add him, just watch out for certain match-ups.

Wilson Ramos – There was a pop group in Venezuela who translated all of Wilson Phillips’ music into Spanish.  Their name was Wilson Ramos.  A singer in Wilson Ramos was the daughter of the lead singer from the Mamis Y Papis.  That is all completely true.  The Nats have a lot of nothing with “At One Time My Nickname Pudge Was Literal Because of Steroids” Rodriguez.  Ramos has a 12-homer bat.  NL-Only or two catcher leagues take notice.

SELL

Vernon Wells – In my rankings, I said, “I wouldn’t draft Wells with your team.  Ain’t worth the headache.”  Take an aspirin and lose Wells.

Austin Jackson – I call this Sell column, “I told you I didn’t like these guys three months ago, except for Alvarez.”  Jackson doesn’t have the crazy speed like some SAGNOF’ers, isn’t a good average guy despite last year and has little power.  I.e., bleh, blech, belch.

Chone Figgins – I hate to dump him outright, so I’m not suggesting that.  See if you can sell him to anyone for anything.  Well, anything but Jamey Carroll.

Pedro Alvarez – I’m concerned, friends.  He might hit .220 this year.  I’m not telling you to drop him, but I’d see if I could sell him to someone who thinks they’re buying low.  BTW, The other day I fielded a Pedro Alvarez question in person.  So I met a girl who plays fantasy baseball.  Of course, I thought this was terrific.  Then I went out on a date with her and it felt like I was dating Random Razzball Commenter.  “Do you like sushi?”  “Um, yeah, yeah…So when I DL Hamilton, would you pick up David Murphy?”  “Sure, wanna order edamame?”  “That’s fine…”  She looks at her cellphone, “Hey, Ben Francisco’s available too.  And what do I do with Pedro Alvarez?”  I want to thank all of you for ruining what should have been a great date.

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.