Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ryan Madson has to have Tommy John surgery.  Luckily, he signed with a Dusty Baker-managed team as the trainers have a lot of experience diagnosing busted arms.  Sean Marshall will likely take over the closing gig, spurring indie comedy fans in Cincy to bring Sean Of The Red signs to games.  Best case scenario:  Marshall goes the whole season with the job, continues to rack up a 9+ K-rate and 40+ saves.  Most realistic scenario:  Dusty brings Marshall into the ninth inning of a tie game and, as the two teams battle scoreless inning after scoreless inning, Marshall stays in the game for another 16 innings and throws 450 pitches.  125 of those pitches he kicks over the plate Hacky Sack-style because his arm is too tired.  Then Masset and Aroldis end up getting 5-7 saves each and Marshall ends the year with 30+ saves and an ERA around 3.50.  Most likely scenario involving dolphins:   Marshall falls asleep on a raft and wakes in Barbados.  With the phone lines down due to a tropical storm, he befriends the local innkeeper, Teronimo, who teaches him how to surf.  But Teronimo has a hidden secret — Marshall is really his nephew that his brother asked him to watch over.  When Teronimo reveals his secret, there’s a giant rift between Marshall and Teronimo that is only assuaged by the sight of dolphins.  No matter the scenario, grab Sean Marshall immediately.  You might’ve just lucked into a top tier closer for free.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Drew Storen – Could start the year on the DL.  Davey Johnson made that announcement minutes after he said Storen had no structural issues with his elbow, which came a day after he said Storen needed an MRI, which was minutes after Storen said he couldn’t throw, which can mere moments after he was diagnosed with strep throat.  Following?  Yeah, neither do I.  I’m beginning to think some ball clubs need a new HMO.  Johnson said Clippard would not see saves, but the team would turn to Henry Rodriguez or Brad Lidge.  I’d pick them up in reverse order for saves.  When in doubt, go with the guy with experience.  And no one has experience blowing leads quite like Lidge.  “Nats Fall Off the Lidge” is already written on a Post-It on some copy editor’s desk just waiting to go to press.  In one league where our innings max is small and our needs for Ks is tall — she says she likes the ocean — we went with Rodriguez.  He averages 98 MPH with his fastball and has a 9+ K-rate.  If he can keep his walks in check, he could be this year’s huge middle reliever breakout.

Bobby Jenks – Arrested for a DUI.  He’s signed a contract with Hanna Barbera for the rights to his name as animated onomatopoeia when a cartoon character crashes a car.  Barney, “Fred, Watch out!”  JENKS!

Joba Chamberlain – Dislocated his ankle reportedly playing on a trampoline.  It was an inevitable outcome of his failed appeasement policy when he ceded playing in the Bouncyland region of Chuck E. Cheesoslovakia.

Joakim Soria – Will undergo Tommy John surgery.  Feel free to drop him, we won’t see him until thirteen after twenty.

Chris Carpenter – Updating the previous 17 posts I’ve done on Carpenter, he has nerve issues in his shoulder.  Not good news, as if you needed me to tell you.  I wouldn’t have drafted Carpenter before this news.  Guess how I feel about him about him now.  73?  That’s your guess?  That’s terrible.  Get Lance Lynn in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, I’m guessing Carpenter won’t be back for a while.  When he dealt with this similar problem in 2008, he threw 15 innings that year.  No, I didn’t forget a zero.  That’s fifteen.  We may even see Shelby Miller by June, if Lynn can’t cut it, though I think Lynn can.  Here’s what I said earlier this preseason, “Out of the bullpen last year, Lynn’s fastball regularly touched the high-90?s as he put up a 2.22 ERA and 32 Ks in 24 1/3 IP.  As a starter, he was much less exciting (5.23 ERA, 8 Ks), but like a man who needs prunes that was in limited duty (10 1/3 IP).  From his minor league track record, we see a guy who has a 7+ K-rate and moderate control.  There’s a chance for some sweet, sweet upside here.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Trevor Bauer – Was optioned down to Double-A and Uncle Barry Enright was optioned to Triple-A.  Rusty Ryal and Chris Jakubauskas were assigned to their minor league camp.  You think Chris Jakubauskas ever misspells his own name?

Jamie Moyer – The 49-year-old will make the Rockies rotation.  For now, he’ll put on hold his quest to make the World Bingo Tour.

Mark Trumbo – On Saturday, the Sciosciapath said, “We feel (Trumbo) has the potential to be a terrific third baseman.”  Then he started laughing uncontrollably.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper tore his meniscus announcing his retirement.

Matt Thornton – White Sox announced there’s a five man race for the closer role –  Santiago, Ohman, Thornton, Reed and Crain.  Kinda sounds like the race to be the Republican presidential candidate.  I think right now the chances are Thornton at 80%, Crain at 10% and the field is at 10%.

Chase Utley – Said he’ll miss Opening Day but expects to play this year.  Have things gotten so bad that in March Utley is saying he’s going to play this year?  He has to clarify at some point in the next six months he’s going to be ready?  Yesterday, I said I wouldn’t draft him until around pick 150.  I may have been optimistic there.  Probably would wait another 50 picks and hope we saw him for about 80 games this year.

Anthony Rizzo – Optioned to the minors.  Will probably see him back in June.  Until then, Rizzo will be tearing up Triple-A and making prank calls, jerky.

Logan Morrison – May not be ready for Opening Day.  He said, “I think the knee is going to tell me.  The knee is going to tell everyone. I can’t tell it what to do.”  Reading this reminded me of when the ref would lift Hulk Hogan’s arm twice, then Hogan waved a finger up the final time like his finger had a mind of its own.  Let’s pray Morrison’s knee waves to the crowd the third time it’s raised.  I’m having serious concerns though, and I wouldn’t draft him at this point unless he fell at least four rounds.  It’s way too early in the year for this much concern about a surgically-repaired knee.

Bud Norris – Left Friday’s game with tightness in his triceps.  He was on Rudy’s risky pitchers for 2012 fantasy baseball list.  The only player on the Astros with more sliders in their diet is Carlos Lee.

Travis Snider – Optioned to the minors, and Eric Thames will play left field.  I gave Thames some nice projections over at the top 60 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, saying something like he has power upside.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Doug Fister – Left Friday’s game with a sore middle finger.  Fister has a sore middle finger?  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?  Yup, probably tendinitis.

Ted Lilly – Has neck stiffness.  Maybe he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.  Will probably miss at least one start, wouldn’t be surprised if he missed two or three starts.

Mike Morse – Might make it back for Opening Day after all, even after his platelet rich plasma injection, which sounds like a procedure a real housewife of Beverly Hills would get.

Matt Bush – Arrested for DUI after hitting a 72-year-old motorcyclist.  The motorcyclist’s 95-year-old mother responded, “I told you motorcycles are dangerous.”

Chris Carpenter has a bulging disc.  I once had a bulging disc.  I had my Low End Theory disc in my car radio and I tried to jam in my Kool Moe Dee CD… *checking my notes*  Oh, Carpenter has a bulging disc in his neck.  Well, he should go see Dr. Frankenstein.  Carpenter says he can’t throw yet, but he’s dealt with this issue before.  Cards are starting to think about a Plan B.  I never liked Plan A.  A 36-year-old who had a 4.47 ERA until the middle of June last year?  You should totally draft him!  He sounds promising!  Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic, would move down my rankings with this news, if I didn’t already have him really low in my rankings because I’m always cautious of aging starters who tend to break down.  Also, I’m psychic.  On a related note, you may want to bring in the trash bins on Wednesday night from three to four AM, there’s gonna be possums.   Cust kayin’.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for fantasy baseball:

Sike!  Before we get into today’s roundup, we announced our podcast yesterday.  Today, you can subscribe to it at iTunes.  This message was brought to you by Phoenix University, “We don’t look good unless you look good.  Or is it well?”  Anyway, here’s the roundup:

Giancarlo Stanton – It’s sure been a pain changing Mike to Giancarlo on all of my Trapper Keepers.  You know what else is a pain?  Giancarlo’s wrist.  Worst Segue Ever, “Wow, I’ve heard some bad segues before, but that takes the cake.”  Sorry, Worse Segue Ever.  WSE, “Don’t apologize to me, apologize to your readers.”  You know you’re kinda making the segue worse by drawing attention to it.  WSE, “Hence my name.”  Giancarlo was hit on the wrist by a pitch the other day, but X-rays were negative, which is oddly enough a positive.  Giancarlo should take a day or two more to recoup, but should be fine going forward.  If you want to send him flowers, send them to me.  I’m parked outside his condo.  In the bushes.  What, I’m just making sure he’s safe.

Logan Morrison – Having soreness in his knee that was surgically-repaired.  As of right now, it’s nothing to worry about.  Or as Logan Morrison would say on Twitter — #firstworldproblems

Brian Fuentes – The battle for the A’s closer and the 22 saves that comes with the gig is heating up.  Jerry “The Beav” Blevins is the only possible left-hander behind Fuentes.  So there’s some speculation that if The Beav gets cut, then Fuentes may stay in setup.  But if The Beav gets into the bullpen that will make it easier to hand the closer job to Fuentes.  May I say from owning Fuentes in past years, nothing is easy about Fuentes closing.  Worst Segue Ever, “Okay, that’s just another–”  You know, that’s enough, WSE.  WSE, “Hey, do what you have to do.”  Here’s what I’ll say on the closing shituation in Oakland, I think Balfour will make a better closer (marginally), but Fuentes will get the job.  Either way, in almost all leagues (except very shallow ones), I’d draft both guys and hope the one I drafted comes out with the job.

Yoenis Cespedes – Homered in his first spring game.  I now have Yoenis in two leagues, and I’m getting him in more leagues if he continues to fall far down in drafts.  I have Yoenis’s projections down for 65/20/80/.250/12.  That’s a not-that-poor-man’s Adam Jones.  I’d take that way before the 200th or so place ESPN and Yahoo have him ranked.  Frequent commenter, chata, made a good call when he said Yoenis looked like Gary Sheffield when he homered.  Somewhere, Sheffield is angrily wagging his trademark infringement lawsuit papers.

Jim Johnson – Buck Showalter said he hasn’t named Johnson the closer yet.  Kevin Gregg’s family said, “Please, we can’t handle anymore death threats.”  Matt Lindstrom is also in the O’s possible closerousel.  I think Johnson ends up winning the job, but in the mean’s while I would draft all three in deep leagues, or places you need saves.

Alfonso Soriano – Hit his 4th homer of the spring.  I have a mantra:  Don’t Believe Spring Training Stats — DBSTS, for those that like to acronymize shizz. But, and this is a small but like what Leyland throws away every seven to ten minutes, vets tend to have good beginnings to their season then tire.  Soriano’s April stats last year:  10 homers.

Eric Hosmer – Left Monday’s game after landing awkwardly on his shoulder.  Doctors said he was F-I-N-E, then they did the Bell Biv Devoe dance where you kick heels with the guy across from you.

Mike Moustakas – Left the game after being hit with a pitch in his right knee.  Royals are saying it’s simply a bruise and he’ll be good to go.  David Glass, Royals owner and former CEO of Wal-Mart, said he would not pay for any time missed.

Zack Cozart – He’s showing no signs of his injury from last year.  Have I mentioned I want Cozart in every league?  Oh, well, consider this yet another notice.  You’ve been noticed!

Jesus Montero – I want to throw a warning out there that there will be a lot of Jesus Montero updates this year.  We’ve already drafted him in three out of four leagues.  Bee tee dubya, he’s hitting .389.  But spring stats mean nothing.  But II, The Return of But:  He’s hitting .389!

David Wright – Received an anti-inflammatory injection yesterday for discomfort that I think he’s been feeling for the last three years.  I’m only half joking.  I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but I’m starting to get worried.  The Mets doctors’ track record with getting players back on the field is about the same as yours with that girl who used to live next door to you.

Kendrys Morales – He ran the bases for two straight days.  Talk about going back to the base-ics!  Sorry, I’ll never say that again.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper is hinting at retirement.  His retirement plans include him reuniting with his oblique that abandoned him back in 2004.

David Robertson – Fell down some stairs the other day, but he played catch yesterday and he’s good to go.  He can remove his walking boot.  On a related note, Miguel Cabrera’s nickname in the field is The Walking Boot.

Fausto Carmona – Charges against him for lying about his name have been dropped.  Charges against him for being a terrible pitcher are still undergoing investigation.

Top 20 catchers, 1st basemen and 2nd basemen for 2011 are in the books.  We continue around the horn (that means we’ll go back for the shortstops; don’t ask, I was getting fancy) bringing us to the top 20 3rd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.   This year 3rd base gave most of you the gas face.  For the most part, you were lucky if you didn’t draft a top ranked one cause most of them bombed.  I mean, Emilio Bonifacio is a top five 3rd baseman?  That’s an eff in the coolie if I’ve ever heard one.  Zimmerman, Longoria, Wright?  Made you look smart in opposite world.  Also, to recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 3rd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Bautista – A very wise monkey once said, sometimes when you go out on a limb, the branch breaks.  To use limb in another sentence:  I don’t think it’s much of a limb when I say Bautista was my biggest snafu since I started this blog.  I really didn’t believe him at all.  The kicker was usually when I Mr. Bungle a player as bad as I did with Bautista, Rudy will correct me, but he punted Bautista too, so I wasn’t even counterbalanced.  I can’t say this for sure, but it seems like most ‘perts don’t give a flying elbow if they make right or wrong calls, but I will say Bautista taught me one thing.  I don’t like being wrong; it really annoyed me that I mucked him up.  Now watch next year when I project him for 40 homers, he’s gonna hit 12 and make me into a Mr. Bungle once again.   Preseason Rank #12 (Yes, I was that much a non-believer; I had Pedro Alvarez above him.  I will now eat an apple laced with cyanide.), 2011 Projections:  70/25/80/.240/5, Final Numbers:  105/43/103/.302/9

2. Michael Young – Went over Young in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

3. Adrian Beltre – I was pretty accurate with my mid-tier 3rd basemen preseason ranking.  Beltre, Young, Reynolds, Alvarez, Aramis and McGehee turned out as I thought they would, minus McGehee and Alvarez, obviously.  Unfortunately, I ended up with Alvarez and McGehee on more teams than I care to admit.  Alvarez, in particular, killed me.  This, however, is supposed to be about Beltre.  As soon as he signed with the Rangers, any trepidation I had went out the window.  Man Standing Outside My Metaphorical Window, “Stopping throwing trepidation on me!”  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/24/95/.285/7, Final Numbers:  82/32/105/.296/1

4. Aramis Ramirez – Here’s one way to look at how pee poor the 3rd basemen were.  I pretty much nailed Aramis’s projections with his final numbers and I ranked him 11th and he finished 4th.  That, more or less, means seven 3rd basemen bombed.  Also, more or less should be one word.  Moreorless — doesn’t that look better?  You’re welcome, English language; I’m fixing you.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  75/25/90/.280, Final Numbers:  80/26/93/.306/1

5. Emilio Bonifacio – There’s nothing I can say that will illustrate how bad the 3rd basemen are that can’t be said by just seeing how high Bonifacio ranked here.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  78/5/36/.296/40

6. Jhonny Peralta – After looking like a lock for 20+ homers and a .270 average back in 2008, he wrestled with major league pitching like I wrestle with his superfluous H.  Due to some luck, his average was about 20 points too high, but everything else seems right in line with what he can do.  He’s ranked this high because 3rd basemen sucked this year.  Have you heard that before?  Yeah, thought so.  Preseason Ranked #16 for Shortstops, 2011 Projections:  65/17/80/.255, Final Numbers:  68/21/86/.299

7. Pablo Sandoval – In the preseason, I compared him to an in-his-prime Lyle Overbay.  Still sounds about right.  Before you scoff, scoffer.  Lyle Overbay’s best year 82/22/92/.312/5 was better than this year by Sandoval.  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  70/18/80/.305/3, Final Numbers:  55/23/70/.315/2

8. Mark Reynolds – Went over Reynolds in the top 20 1st basemen post.

9. Ryan Roberts – Went over Roberts in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

10. Evan Longoria – I may still rank Longoria in the 1st round next year.  Absolutely nothing changed for him except his luck fell off the map.  If it wasn’t for bad luck, he would’ve had no luck at all.  His K-rate actually went down, his walk rate went up, his HR/FB% stayed where it should be.  I may even pick him to win the MVP next year.  I will probably say some variation of the preceding a dozen times this offseason, so if you missed this, don’t worry.  And if you read the preceding, forget it so it seems fresh the next twelve times I say it.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  105/33/115/.280/10, Final Numbers: 78/31/99/.244/3

11. Edwin Encarnacion – On one hand, I can’t believe Encarnacion ranked this high.  On the other hand, it’s more of an indictment of the 3rd basemen because his numbers don’t look that good.  On a third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on the end of a broomstick, he was valuable in the 2nd half of the year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  70/17/55/.272/8

12. Chipper Jones – He didn’t go unranked in the preseason because I overlooked him.  He was coming off a year when he nearly retired from injuries.  In fact, I think he did retire then decided to come back, if I remember it correctly.  Whatever.  Glass Chipper hits when he’s healthy but that ‘when’ is the size of King Kong Bundy.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  56/18/70/.275/2

13. Alex Rodriguez – It totally bit me in the ass saying I wanted a 3rd baseman in the first two rounds of last year’s drafts.  3rd base was my cross to bear, or bare if you’re a nudist.  A-Rod, Wright and Zimmerman were off the charts terrible.  Sure, A-Rod had the decency to get injured so you could replace him, but who were you replacing him with?  Wilson Betemit?  David Freese?  Bleh and Belch.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  90/32/110/.280/7, Final Numbers:  67/16/62/.276/4

14. Kevin Youkilis – It’s easy to say this was an off season for Youuuuuuk, but, at age 32, this could be the beginning of the end.  This is the third year in a row that he’s failed to top 136 games and the 2nd year in a row he didn’t hit 20 homers.  On a side note, here’s what I said in the preseason about Youk, “Other fantasy baseball ‘perts will say 1st base is one of the deepest positions and you shouldn’t pay for it on draft day.  …Do you feel as safe with Youuuuuk as you would with, say, Te(i)x?  I wouldn’t.  Do you feel as safe with Morneau as Fielder?  Do you feel as safe with Dunn as you do with any of the first basemen in the 1st tier?  And this is only one tier down.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Sure, that was about 1st basemen, but it mentioned Youk so I included it here.  Sue me for your zero dollar subscription fee.  Preseason Rank #8 for 1st basemen, 2011 Projections:  95/27/95/.300/5, Final Numbers:  68/17/80/.258/3

15. David Wright – It wasn’t just that the 3rd basemen were bad this year, but it was worse than that.  The good 3rd basemen weren’t just less good so you still got some draft value.  Across the board, 3rd basemen killed you.  For the first time, I felt like Wright didn’t care either.  I get it, you can go 1-for-4 with a run.  How about you hit a home freakin’ run?!  I think Metco is in his head too.  If the Mets move the fences in only one foot, but told him they moved the fences in thirty feet it would have the same impact on his power.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  95/30/105/.285/17, Final Numbers:  60/14/61/.254/13

16. Daniel Murphy – Went over Murphy in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

17. Albert Callaspo – Was about as steady a performer as you can find with his 3 homer, 3 steal 1st half and 3 homer, 5 steal 2nd half.  This was an illustration of how being steady isn’t always a good thing.  Callaspo may have to replace Polanco in the yawnstipating definition.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  54/6/46/.288/8

18. Ryan Zimmerman – If a player’s season can be summed up by the company he’s keeping on the year-end rankings, look at the players around Zimmerman.  Callaspo’s above him!  Daniel Murphy had a better season than Zimmerman and he stopped playing on August 7th!  I’d say 2011 was a step back for Zimmerman, but it was more like a step back, then he fell into a ditch, then someone popped a squat above him and crapped on his head.  On a side note, I’m way off on a lot of these 3rd basemen projections, but I guarantee you all ‘perts are off with these guys.  No one could’ve told you Wright, Zimmerman, etc would’ve been this bad.  I only mention this because I think it’s ridiculous some people charge for their projections.  I could pretty much tell you what any player is going to do assuming their healthy, barring a few here and there like Bautista.  But guys like Bautista are me going on a limb.  I could’ve told you 35 homers and a .280 average like everyone else and been less wrong, but what fun is that?  Now someone help me down from my soapbox.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  90/32/100/.285/5, Final Numbers:  52/12/49/.289/3

19. Martin Prado – Went over him in the top 20 2nd basemen post.

20. Chase Headley – If you ever wondered to yourself whether or not 3rd base was really as bad as it seemed this year, notice Chase Headley making the top 20.  Then notice he had 4 home runs on the year.  He only hit one homer at home all year.  All year!  On the positive side, he outperformed Casey McGehee.  Recurring Theme, “The third basemen were really bad this year.”  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  70/15/85/.255/7, Final Numbers:  43/4/44/.289/13

Scott Rolen is out for the season.  It’s time to go gorilla!  I don’t even know what that means.  Random Italicized Voice, no one knows what it means, but it’s provocative!  If you got some risk to burn in deeper leagues at corner infidel, get in on Juan Francisco.  I talked a bit yesterday about how I’m gonna go caca-cuckoo on Francisco next year if he has a starting job.  I’m gonna be like a cyclops wearing a monocle.  Why a cyclops wearing a monocle?  Good question.  A cyclops only has one eye so it’s particularly sharp.  Like how a blind person’s hearing is enhanced.  So you put a monocle on a cyclops and you have creature that sees everything.  That’ll be me.  BTW, Yonder and Francisco have complementary hat tilts.  Just something I thought you should know.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Logan Morrison – Could return on Thursday after being diagnosed with patella tendinitis.  Oh, wait, is Patella the doctor’s name?

Alexi Ogando – Rangers are considering moving Ogando to the bullpen.  Earth to the Rangers, come in Rangers.  Considering?  He should’ve been moved two months ago.  Check yo’ self, before you wreck yo’ self… Too many innings is bad for his health.

Nelson Cruz – Activated from the DL, but will be used as a pinch-hitter initially.  Belch.

David Murphy – Hit two homers as I benched him on my fantasy teams for Cruz because I thought that’s what Washington would do.  Belch, fart.

Jim Johnson – He’s now converted back-to-back-to-back saves with the Teflon Closer, Gregg, on the sidelines.  Meanwhile, Gregg blew his only save opp in the last week.  If you need saves, Johnson’s the way to go.  As for a strange but true fact, Jim Johnson is from Johnson City, NY.  Kevin Gregg isn’t from Crap City, NY.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs while batting .260.  If he takes a step forward next year, he could be a top three catcher.

Jeff Karstens – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Karstens obviously needs Jack Hannahan and his monkeys.

Derrek Lee – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I haven’t seen any consistent streaks from this schmohawk this year.  Hits a homer or two then goes into a two week “I’m old.  My back’s sore.  Somebody call a wambulance” free fall.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I think the Brewers win it all.  As I said back in March.

Justin Morneau – Still feeling concussion symptoms and doesn’t think he’ll return this year.  That’s his concussion concession speech.

Mike Minor – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  Ugh, so inefficient.  Pretty disappointing stuff from Minor this year.  I know, I know.  A 4.11 ERA and a K per inning isn’t terrible.  But I’m like Veruca Salt up in here and I want more!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-5 as he continues to swing a hot bat.  That’s what she said!  He’s hitting .375 over the last week with 2 homers.

Brian McCann – Hit his 24th homer as he hit out of the six hole yesterday.  He’s hitting under .200 in September, so I get it, but, wow, Fredi is reactionary.  Next thing you know Jose Constanza is gonna be catching.

Brandon Phillips – 1-for-2 with a homer.  I mentioned Phillips yesterday after he homered twice regarding his disappointing season, but, I guess, if you have to get hot at any time during the season, now’s a good time.  About time BP starting giving back.

Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I tried to steer people away from Gee for this start.  Looked favorable, but he was alternating good starts with bad and he was due for a bad one.  And that theory goes out the window with my socks.  I don’t wash them; I just throw them outside for the homeless.  I give back.  Did I ever mention I once answered phones for the Chabad Telethon?  True story.  And I’m not even officially Jewish.  Eat it, Itzhak Perlman!

Troy Tulowitzki – Left yesterday’s game with more hip issues.  He’s too hip to be sore!  I imagine he’s gonna sit out at least a few more days.

Bruce Chen – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  They call him Bruce (because that’s his name)!  Sure, it was against the Twins, but still he was coming off two straight games giving up 5 earned, so it took some cojones to start him here.

Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer as he bats .231.  Hosmer is blowing him out of the water for fantasy value this year, but I have this gut feeling that it’s gonna be reversed next year.  I don’t have anything to back that up.  It’s my gut.  It might be the chicken shawarma I had for dinner.

Brandon Morrow – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Don’t worry, there’s always next year when I get unreasonably happy for Morrow and his 5+ ERA.

J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 23rd homer.  Someone asked yesterday where Arencibia was gonna be drafted next year.  Good question.  I think people will see the under .230 average and get scared off.  Not I, friend.  He’ll definitely be more than a blip on my radars.

Carlos Santana – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  You know what?  There’s actually gonna be decent depth next year for catchers.  The catcher position slept at a Holiday Inn last night.

Dustin Pedroia – 4-for-5, 2 homers, 4 runs, 5 RBIs.  Sparky Anklebiters are so cute when they get all rambunctious and yappy.

David Ortiz – Left the game with back spasms.  In elementary school, they used to say to me, “Back, spazz.”  That’s probably unrelated.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  This coming a day after the Astros beat up on Oswalt.  The Braves should’ve made a deadline deal for J.D. Martinez, Clint Barmes and J.B. Shuck.

Jason Bourgeois – 2-for-5 with a steal.  He’s not playing every day, but when he does play, he’s hitting and stealing (.467 with 3 steals in the last week).

Gavin Floyd – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  I’m pretty sure Danks and Floyd pitch simply to upset fantasy owners.

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Suckie-O’s.  I expected more from Price in this start.  Am I asking too much?  Maybe I’m just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.  Wait, that’s not Price, that’s Prince.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-3 with 2 steals.  *big voice*  He’s one steal away from a 20/30 year!  *small voice*  He’s batting .235.

Pablo Sandoval – Bochy said Pablo has regained the weight he lost last winter.  He’s now back to being Pablo Sandsphere.

On September 7th, Kyle Farnsworth entered a 4-3 game like he had so many times before.  No one knows how many times because no one’s bothered to look, or at least no one I’ve come across.  This September game was played during the day in Tampa with the temperature listed as:  Indoors.  When the mercury first hit Indoors, many of the fans knew this day was going to be different than all but four previous Rays games.  Farnsworth blew the save.  Then on September 10th, with the temperature once again “Indoors” — eerie! — Farnsworth once again blew a save, but instead of blaming his stuff, he blamed his elbow.  It was a little tender like a battered piece of the unidentifiable parts of the chicken.  With Farnsworth out nursing his elbow, Peralta should see the majority of the saves, but it could be a committee.  I imagine Farnsworth is gonna be out a week maybe two, but I’d wait for official word before dropping him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – Rays are promoting their top pitching prospect.  In real baseball news, this is exciting.  In Double and Triple-A this year, he had a 1.92 ERA and 210 Ks in 155 innings.  That’s prettay, prettay good.  I’d like to see what kind of gas this guy is cooking with.  Eminem at a BBQ:  “Yo, Em, these burgers taste funny.”  Eminem, “I guess that’s why they call it propane.” In fantasy, Moore’s kinda whatever in redraft leagues.  He’ll get maybe one start, and the rest will be a relief role.  In keeper leagues, he should owned already and if he’s not, no time like the present.

James Shields – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks as Shhhields quiets the Sawx.

B.J. Upton – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs, 3 runs and his 20th homer.  That’s right!  You’re not the Secretaryman, you’re not the Administrativeassistantman, you’re the Bossman!  Now take charge!

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Brilliant once again.  On a side note, with all the mentions of Fister recently our web traffic looking for anything but fantasy baseball has tripled.  Come looking for one thing, leave realizing you need to refine your search query.

Chase Utley – He passed a concussion test.  I wonder if he just kept choosing C.  The Phils will probably leave Utley on the sidelines for a while longer, unless the Mets and Braves win 17 of their next 5 games.

Stephen Strasburg – 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He threw 56 pitches on Tuesday, but the Nats stretched him out yesterday with 57 pitches.  The Nats also said they won’t put Strasburg on a strict pitch count.  If I may read between the lines, that actually says, “Please buy tickets for the games Strasburg starts even if he may average only four innings.”

Ian Desmond – 3-for-5 with his 8th homer.  This after a 1-for-11 stretch, which sounds like me at YogaWorks.  I nailed the Downward Facing Dog and pulled up short on all other poses.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 6 ER.  All the good you did all year, Hudson, and this?  On the last day of my H2H playoffs?  I didn’t order a bitter pill to swallow.  Why would you serve that up?  BTW, it’s perfectly fitting that we lost a tiebreaker in our H2H playoffs this week because our opponent beat us 5-4 during the regular season.  To that I say, “Plouffe.”

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last week as he hits .348 over that span.  As long as the Braves continue to roll Glass Chipper out there in a giant bubble so he doesn’t get hurt, he has some value.

Jake Peavy – Shutdown for the season.  Backdate that to 2009.

Adam Jones – Sat out Saturday and Sunday with a sore ankle.  In the past month, he has 2 homers and 1 steal.  I’m guessing you can find something better on waivers.

Johan Santana – Mets announced that Johan wouldn’t rejoin the team this year (after saying he would return then saying he wouldn’t then saying he would then saying he wouldn’t then saying he would).  Thanks for the re-re-reconfirmation!

Bobby Parnell – On Friday, Terry Collins said Parnell might not be the closer.  Then on Saturday he said he was the closer.  The Mets say no while nodding their heads yes.

C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Nolan Ryan said Wilson’s start made him almost as happy as noogying Robin Ventura.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and 2 homers yesterday, 3-for-5 and a homer on Saturday and now has a 16 game hitting streak.  If you add all that up it spells, well, nothing because numbers don’t add up to words.

Troy Tulowitzki – Missed Sunday’s game and will sit out on Tuesday with a sore hipowitzki.

Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Solid start from the top prospect.  To start him here, you had to be crazy like the first wrestler who thought it was a good idea to cut his own forehead with a razor, but still.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4 with 3 steals.  Now has 21 steals in 142 ABs.  Imagine the Rockies ever gave him 600 ABs.  The sun could take that summer off causing of how brightly I’d be beaming.

Josh Collmenter – 4 IP, 6 ER vs. the Padres.  Is it me or do the Padres only hit at the least opportune time?

Edinson Volquez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That was 4 walks vs. 3 Ks.  Good to see Edinson doesn’t let coaching or minor league stints get in the way of him staying true to himself.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-5 yesterday and has 3 homers in the last five games.  In other words, Lonnie done gone going going gonnie.  Of course he was on my bench in a weekly league.  Don’t cry for me, Razzball reader.  Your tears will just make me feel worse.

Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-3, 2 runs and 2 steals.  Now has 4 homers and 8 steals in only 39 games played.  That’s better than, say, Adam Jones.  Cust kayin’.

Kevin Youkilis – Will play through a hernia.  That’s number 137th on a list of things I’d like to play through.  Right after a storm of frogs like in Magnolia and right before a large man standing just outside the batter’s box throwing a bucket of amniotic fluid on me.

Alex Rodriguez – Will sit out for 3-4 days since his thumb is too close to discomfort starring Jm J. Bullock.

Yovani Gallardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Y to the Izz-O, V to the izz-A.  Fo’ sheezy my neezy bout time you looked like a number one arm so freezy.

Erick Aybar – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now hitting near .350 in the month of September, but only one steal (which came yesterday).  It’s a’ight.

Mike Stanton – Was pulled from Friday’s game because he couldn’t run at full speed.  Jack McKeon said, after putting in his teeth, that Stanton could return on Monday.

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He was the only featured name in my borderline starters post for Sunday.  So far that post has been a bit hit or miss with a lot more hits than I would like.  Teach me to put any faith in John Lannan.

Anibal Sanchez – On Saturday, he threw his 2nd one-hitter of the season.  All 129 fans in attendance at the next Marlins game will receive opposite gender names with a notary on hand to make it official.