The title of this post was nearly, “F*ck Luis Cruz.” If that guy gets in the way of my last round draft pick of Dee Gordon, I’m gonna be none too happy! Or is that “I’m gonna be some unhappy?” While Hanley Ramirez is out with a thumb injury, I want Dee Gordon to play for a month and for the Dodgers to say they won’t play Luis Cruz. I homophoned you! If anyone out there drafted Hanley already, I want to see your faces. Push them against your computer monitors or your handheld mobile devices. You are traitors to Razzball. I said specifically — or pacifically if you’re on a boat off the coast of California — not to draft Hanley. Word for word, “I’m done with Hanley until we see a return to his previous glory.” I didn’t even bury the lede. That’s the first freakin’ sentence of my Hanley blurb on the top 20 shortstops for 2013 fantasy baseball. I hope Hanley’s out for 3 months, returns to hit 7 homers with 12 steals and someone drafts him in the 3rd round of 2014, too. Know why? Because no matter how many times I tell people to ignore position scarcity, they don’t listen. You need to jam a cotton swab in your noggin like Lena Dunham and clean out your wax. (BTW, season two of Girls — meandering, pointless, adjective. Biggest drop in quality from season one to season two for a TV show since Heroes.) The Dodgers are saying Hanley could be out anywhere from two weeks to ten weeks. If you drafted him, you don’t read this so I’m talking to all the people who didn’t draft him. Send an email to the Hanley drafters. Subject: Trade Offer. Body of email: Any interest in trading for Yunel Escobar? I’ll take Paul Goldschmidt. Click send. Now unfriend them on Facebook. Done. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Chien-ming Wang
Colby Rasmus took the Miller Park crowd and said, “How ya like me now?!” Then they said, “We don’t really know you, because the Blue Jays/Brewers rivalry extends only about an hour or so, unless you count that time Rance Mulliniks said this town was nothing but a bunch of Lenny and Squiggys.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
Another week older and closer to the all-star game. Where we can look forward to listening to about 600 comments about the waterfall in Kauffman Stadium. We get it, it’s a waterfall in a baseball park; my koi pond has one too but you don’t see them sauntering about with uniforms having a home run derby.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Andy Pettitte signed to a minor league deal with the Yankees. I guess the Yankees cause mass hysteria, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how many people asked me if they should pick him, but, alas, you still surprised me, you. In anything shallower than a 10 team AL-Only league, I wouldn’t go near him. He wasn’t even that good his last few years of pitching, so I don’t see how you can expect anything from him a full year after retirement. What this does show us: Never trust a Southerner who says they are retiring early – Favre, Oswalt, Pettitte, Strom Thurmond… “I just want to spend time with family, God and my tractor.” Yeah, right. Anyway, here’s what I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Scott Baker – The Twins are saying Baker could start the season on the DL. I’m saying he will start the year on the DL. The good news, he’s getting one of his half dozen DL trips out of the way early.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Joe Mauer is done for the year with pneumonia. I’m almost 100% sure Morneau was the carrier of the virus. On Friday, frequent commenter Mike said, “If you went to Joe Mauer’s house, went into his basement, jack-hammered through the concrete, and started digging, what would be the under/over on number of feet you’d have to go down before you found the first dessicated Native American corpse? 3 feet? 4 feet? I mean, that Native American graveyard can’t be that far below the surface.” I honestly never thought I’d say this this (stutterer!) early in his career, but I think Mauer’s going to be a bargain next year. Assuming he falls into the 10th round or later, he’s worth the gamble at catcher for 2012, right? I mean, even if he only gets 100 games and hits .300, it’s worth the ulcer, isn’t it? I think so. With that said (yeah, here comes opposite talk), I’m sure glad I haven’t drafted him the last two years in any league. He hit 3 homers this year. As in between 2 and 4. Jesus Montero has that many in 10 games.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Charlie Manuel confirmed Cole Hamels would have his next start skipped after an MRI showed he had shoulder inflammation. But Manuel was wearing a wooden barrel being held up by suspenders so it made it difficult to pay attention to what he was saying. Manuel then said, “When I ask for a straw, I don’t want a drinking straw. Drinking straws are for 13-year-old girls!” You know what would’ve been nice? If Hamels settled all this MRI shizz before I had to set my weekly fantasy lineup. Yes, this is all about me. Here’s hoping Hamels only needs to miss one start and then can come back at full strength. Though for a club that can afford to rest him and coast into the playoffs, it seems like a pipe dream. But what about my H2H playoffs?! Have I mentioned recently how much I hate H2H? You got your marbles on the line and teams are resting their best marbles for the playoffs. Marbles! BTW, no one knows what that means, but it’s provocative. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 14 Ks. From Rudy, “My DVR still has The Golden Girls from when my parents visited. Oh, Estelle Getty, your delivery is prettier than Roy Halladay’s.”
Casper Wells – Has now homered in four straight games. Casper was one of those cases where I saw him hit a homer and disregarded it, figuring he wouldn’t hit another one immediately. Then disregarded the 2nd and 3rd homers too. After four in a row, it’s hard to disregard. He’s really not this good, I promise you. But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s hitting the cover off the ball so you may as well grab him to see how long it can continue.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jason Heyward sat again yesterday in favor of Jose Constanza. I don’t want to shout fire in the theater of Razzball, but this isn’t good. Constanza is making Heyward look like the best seller at the jerk store. Actually, Heyward was kinda doing it to himself.
Please, blog, may I have some more?As Alex Rodriguez rehabs down in Miami, the heat (oofa!) is on his gambling habits. “According to the baseball executive, MLB has yet to positively determine that Rodriguez took part in the (poker) games, which reportedly included actors Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, John Malkovich and that guy in that movie starring that other guy.” Poker is a game played by men or women who will beat your ass, so you know A-Rod is only getting invited to these games because he’s probably the world’s worst poker player.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Roy Oswalt pulled something in his back and is presumably headed to the DL. The bad news here is he was supposedly a 2nd half pitcher in some people’s minds, though my mind wasn’t yet made up. It’s a guy’s prerogative to change his mind, or just not make it up at all. As someone who has struggled with lower back pain for most of his adult life… Oh, who am I kidding? I’m fit as a fiddle. I once dwarf bowled a 170. (Of course, he helped by kicking over that 7-10 split.) Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah! Oswalt. Yeah, he’s off to see a back specialist, the Astros are calling up Bud Norris, hopefully related to Chuck. Bud Norris might sound familiar to some of youse. Why? Cause I just said his name in the previous sentence. Hello, Mr.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Chris Davis was sent to the minors last night to make room for Josh Hamilton. In the preseason, Bill James’s projections for Chris Davis were 107/40/118/.302/8. I thought that was a tad optimistic. And “tad optimistic” there is like saying, “Hey, this Ben Affleck movie might be okay.” Those predictions and the proceeding hype sent Davis’s ADP through the roof. To the point where I decided to punt 3rd base in all of my drafts and take Mark Reynolds. I went over why in this preseason post. Now I’m not saying I wasn’t at fault either. Back in December, I said Davis was a sleeper when he was going after Zimmerman, Huff and Atkins. When the hype picked up, I backed off. Though I did give Davis pretty generous preseason numbers too at 75/30/95/.275/3. But I have a fantasy baseball blog; I’m not Bill James. I think someone should ping Bill James (the kids say ping, ask one what it means) and say, “Hey, Bill, big fan. Lots of great stuff through the years. Sorry to ping you this late, but a few quick rhetorical questions. Chris Davis? Seriously? Did you not follow the ruler across the paper correctly on Pujols’s name?” In the Better News Dept., David Murphy should get more time now that Davis is gone as Blalock moves to first. Though I’m not sure how long Blalock can stay healthy playing that demanding of a position. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Psyche!
Please, blog, may I have some more?
