Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, that didn’t take long.  Rickie Weeks has swine flu in the wrist.  Anything negative health-wise wouldn’t surprise me with Rickie Weeks.  “Coach, Weeks got the black plague.”  “Wasn’t that only spread by rats 600 years ago?”  “Don’t know, Coach.  After Friday’s game, he was with some old broad who had snaggle teeth.  Might’ve been that.”  I wouldn’t be surprised to see this force Weeks to the DL then miss two months of the season because that’s what Weeks do.  It would be too convenient for Bill Hall to go to 2nd and Gamel to fill-in at third.  But offensively it would make more sense than the blahtoon of Counsell and Iribarren.  Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Carpenter – Returning on Wednesday.  I don’t think he gets to the All-Star Break healthy.  If you have Carpenter, you might think about hammering out a deal.  (<–Pun!)

Koji Uehara – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I still believe he’ll be better going forward than most doodes that are on waivers.

Andy Sonnanstine – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  As you probably heard by now, Sonnanstine had to bat 3rd for Longoria because Maddon was wearing his Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D glasses instead of his prescription ones when he made out the lineup card.  So my question is, how long do you think Maddon contemplated just pitching Longoria to keep him in the lineup?

Armando Galarraga – 2/3 IP, 5 ER.   A guy I’d pass over for Koji.  Give him a Stiff-Armando off your team.

Ben Francisco – 2 HRs.  Be(e)n quite the disappointment.  Might be the start of a hot streak though.

Luke Hochevar – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Walks got to Luke HocheVarErich early as he gave way to the bullpen, including Ravishing Ron Mahay.

Brian Roberts – 4 steals this weekend.  Obviously the spark he needed was being in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  So what’s your excuse Lester?

Pat Burrell – To the DL.  Some fantasy owner’s voodoo doll finally worked.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-4, raising his average to .267, meanwhile, after an 0-for-12 weekend, Cust falls to .262.  Now if Ryan Theriot would return Alexei’s eternal soul, everything will be dandy.

Trevor Cahill – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You know when I might like this guy?  2010.

Brad Ziegler – 2 IP.  He’s a middle reliever now, in case anyone’s holding out hope…. Or hoping for holds.

Josh Hamilton – 0-for-3 then left the game with a mild groin strain.  This is much better than the extra hot groin strain.

Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 5 ER, 6.35 ERA on the year.  How about dem rookie pitchers?!  (Way off topic, but I had SportsCenter on in the background when I was writing this up and I think Magic Johnson said Kobe didn’t need penetration because he was busy getting his teammates off.  Whoa… Magic.  Family show!)

Chan Ho Park – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Give Happ the ball!  When I say Happ, you say “Hochevar.”  Hmm… Damn you, subconscious.

Johnny Damon – Hit a game-winning homer yesterday (as if no one heard) and now has 10 homers.  I think he can hit 22 homers on the year and still have lots of value, but he’s not going to hit 35 homers.  The time to sell is… wait for it… here it comes… you know what it’s going to be anyway… but you still want to hear it… so here it is… coming right after this ellipsis… wait, what was I saying… was this about Star Trek?  I saw it and liked it, but “Great?”  Not really.  Oh, and sell Damon now.

Kevin Slowey – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Probably the number one reason why if I trust a pitcher, I start them just about every time out.  When you start picking and choosing, you get Slowey for three runs in three innings and miss two earned over almost eight innings.

Gavin Floyd – 5 IP, 6 ER.  And this is why I don’t own pitchers who I don’t trust.  I wouldn’t want to start Floyd anywhere.

Aaron Hill – Another homer to bring his total to 11.  I wouldn’t sell him and could see him getting to 30 homers.  Zoinks!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER and 1 hit.  I could point you in the direction of Slowey and say the same applies.  And it does.  What I’ll add is, Kershaw needs to cut his walks otherwise he’ll hardly ever see the 7th inning.  Look at yesterday’s game as an example.  He gave up only one hit and he only made it to the 7th.  Pitch Economy 101 as taught by a former employee of AIG…

Chris Coghlan – If anyone’s paying attention to this kinda of stuff (and my guess is everyone is), Coghlan’s batting .167 and sat yesterday.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-5.  Hey, should I sell him high? First of all, random italicized voice, who’s buying a guy who’s on borrowed playing time?  Second, why not just collect the 25 steals he’s going to get in the next month and a half and be done with him?  Rhetorical!

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Someone asked a very legitimate question about Harden on Friday, “I figured (Harden would be) either dominant or injured…I didn’t expect healthy and mediocre.”  Okay, maybe not a question, per se, but it brings up an interesting point.  Then commenter, Mark, answered with a little taste of brilliance, “(Harden) threw a ton of sliders last year, and this year dropped back to his 2007 level.  He appears to be throwing his changeup more than ever.  Velocity looks pretty good on everything….his fastball’s a good bit slower than it was 2 years ago but no slower than last year.  Here’s the biggie…he’s lost a ton of movement on his slider, particularly along the vertical axis.”  Also, Mark went on to notice that Harden may not be throwing his splitter at all anymore.   This could be the reasoning behind Harden’s mediocrity.  Or not.  But it’s interesting, nevertheless.

David Aardsma – Got the Win yesterday and will get the majority of the saves while Morrow tries to find what he’s looking for where the streets have no names.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Throw out two terrible starts against the Indians and the Rays and he’d be sitting on a very pretty record right now.

David Wright – From what I hear from Joe Morgan, Wright took a long slide yesterday when he was caught stealing.  A long slide.  A real long slide.  See, the problem was the slide was very long.  Too long of a slide.  Joe Morgan sounded like Milli Vanilli when they were caught lipsynching or Raymond Babbitt at the blackjack table.  Say it once, Joe.  We’ll figure it out.

Brad Lidge – Got the save, but, check this, he wasn’t brought into a save situation until after two lefties faced some other doode.  Lidge ain’t off the ledge yet…

Darren O’Day – Got the save yesterday but only because C.J. Wilson got the save the previous two days.  Wilson’s still the fill-in.  I would own Wilson in just about every league except NL-Only ones, cuz then your leaguemates will just mock you.

Shane Robinson/Nick Stavinoha – If you know who either of these two guys are, you have a Willie McGee bobble head and you’re halfway through writing a book titled, “Whiteyball,” that will definitively answer all those crazy Moneyball people.

I was alerted yesterday in our fantasy baseball forums that Ozzie Guillen will be sitting Alexei Ramirez for Jayson Nix.  And it may not be for just one game.  This makes perfect sense.  A guy who has never played a game at shortstop in the major leagues.  A guy who got the Rockies starting job at 2nd last year and hit .125 and 2 extra-base hits in 56 ABs.  A guy who couldn’t hold off Omar Quintanilla for the utility man role in Colorado.  A guy whose last name says it all.   So potatoes to chips, what does this mean for us?  It means we’re screwed in the screwhole!  What do you think it means?  No, actually, I think this is just a wakeup call.  Member how Victorino was benched for Werth last May?  Yeah, me too.  Alexei will get back his starting job and should be fine.  Also, shortstop is so weak on talent that it pays to wait this out for a bit.  (BTW, “potatoes to chips” is my new favorite phrase that means nothing.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Derrek Lee – His neck spasms are acting up again.  This could be an ongoing issue all year.  Just when you think he’s out of the dark, someone shuts off the lights.

Lance Berkman – HR yesterday.  Left April batting .162, now is batting .194.

Oliver Perez – Disgraceful List.  He’s out with a strain to his ability to pitch effectively.  No timetable for his return.

Albert Pujols – 11th homer yesterday as he went 4-for-4.  The rest of the team had 3 hits.  Imagine what Pujols would do if they weren’t pitching around him.

Mitchell Boggs – Gave up 2 earned runs, but left the game after four and a third because of the inability to stop walking batters.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Kelly Johnson – DNP.  He’s in Cox’s doghouse pretty good this time.  Maybe dressing up as Gene Larkin for last Halloween wasn’t the best idea.

Jorge Cantu – HR yesterday, now has 30 RBIs.  Here’s what Rudy and I said after the first game of the season, “Hitting behind Ramirez for the rest of the season can only help.  It’s too early to predict a repeat of his 92/29/95 2008 season, but he’ll be a bigger bargain than most drafted cornermen.”  And that’s me quoting us!

Matt Capps – Says he could come back by Saturday.  Hold Grabow for now because I have my doubts.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks.  With four of their top five hitters being Giles, Eckstein, Hairston and Gerut, they couldn’t beat the Washington Generals.

Kevin Slowey – 3 IP, 3 ER.  Unfortunately, the rain came and didn’t allow Slowey to fix a bad first inning.

Matt Tolbert – With Alexi Casilla sent down, Tolbert played 2nd base.   He should fit perfectly into the Twins plans for a weak offense.

Justin Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Okay, this might sound crazy, but has anyone seen him and BJ hit a homer in the same game?  Maybe him and BJ share a shoulder.

Cameron Maybin/Emilio Bonifacio – Their averages are moving closer and closer to each other and that really isn’t an endorsement for either.  On the bright side, Maybin has been seeing more time in the number two spot.

Felipe Lopez – Back from a sore ankle and stole two bases.  Sounds like someone was faking.

Manny Parra – 119 pitches through 6 innings, some walks and some Ks.  And this was a good matchup for him.  Pretty much exactly the kind of game Parra will throw.

Elvis Andrus – HR yesterday.  Of course, I just traded him away.

Aramis Ramirez – HR yesterday.  Guess he’s put his “cramps” behind him.

Randy Johnson – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, Zero Ks.  The humidor zapped the mullet’s strength!  Mullet… Must… Get… Fresh… Air…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Was a perfect matchup for the man with the greatest first name in the majors.  If you were to read between the words there, I’m basically saying I still don’t trust him for every start.

Matt Murton – HR yesterday for the Rockies.  He actually makes good sense in the Rox lineup when they’re facing lefties.  Could be a solid pickup in NL-Only daily leagues where you can work a platoon.

Aaron Hill – 7th homer yesterday.  Who was the pickup of the year so far?  If you have to ask, you don’t own Aaron Hill.

Joe Beimel – Back in action! In the 9th inning!  Of a blowout?

Clayton Kershaw – See what I said about Parra and put it on a better team in a pitcher’s park.

Russell Martin – 3-for-5, 7 for his last 14.  Might be coming out of his early season sassafras. (<–Fun word used incorrectly!)

Bronson Arroyo – 1 IP, 9 ER.  Afterward, he played a song on his guitar.  It went like this, “I suck, suckers… Suck, suck, suck, suckers…”  Pretty catchy actually.

Ryan Braun – Grand slam and 6 RBIs.  If I may venture a guess, Braun will hit well when he’s playing then take a few games a month to recoup (cortisone shot).  Remember, 75% of Braun is Brau.  As in Lowenbrau.  Which is delicious.

Chan Ho Park – Dueled Johan Santana through 6 innings, giving up only 1 hit.  In other news, pigs can fly.

Joe Crede – Sat out because of an upset tummy.  If I ran a major league team, any time a player wanted to sit out for a minor ailment, I’d have them report their condition to Cal Ripken.  Just call him up and tell him you’re sitting out because you had Thai food for lunch.  Might think twice about ordering the Larb.