Fantasy Baseball Advice

Texas Rangers 2009 Minor League Review
Overall farm ranking via Baseball America (2009)
2009 (1) | 2008 (4) | 2007 (28) | 2006 (16) | 2005 (16) | 2004 (16)

Record of Major and Minor League Teams
MLB: [85 – 75] AL West
AAA: [69 – 75] Pacific Coast League
AA: [72 – 68] Texas League
A+: [75 – 65] California League
A: [63 – 76] South Atlantic League
A(ss): [37 – 39] Northwest League
R: [25 – 31] Arizona Rookie League

The Run Down
Rounding up the Minor League Review series is the Rangers and their embarrassing amount of pitching prospects. Yes, you read that correctly. Pitching riches, my fellow Razzballers. The Rangers have 19 of their top 30 prospects from the Baseball America Handbook 2010 that are pitchers; 20 of 30 in 2009; and 27 of the 41 graded prospects by John Sickels were also pitchers. Grey went over Smoak’s potential in Friday Morning’s Round-up and here is his Scouting the Unknown. I also ran a follow-up comment in response to commentator Steve’s question, “I’m no baseball technician, which I guess is why I’m asking the question. Are you saying his swing is similar to Utley’s? To my inexpert eyes he hits a home run about as efficiently as it is possible to do so.” My response: “Because I am no scout in the visual sort of terms (I am still learning each day), here is an awesome breakdown of Smoak’s swing. (If you want to compare Smoak’s swing with Utley’s here’s a YouTube video. Then use the swing video from the first link to make comparisons. To me, that seems pretty similar and would deduce that they each have an efficient swing.)

Lastly, the player section is going to be missing Tanner Scheppers. He was just drafted this past year and doesn’t have any stats prior to this season. However, one bit of trivia to note, he was drafted from the St. Paul Saints team – the same team that Daryl Strawberry once played for a long, long, long time ago. (I am sad to say I didn’t go to any Saints games last summer.) He has plenty of health concerns and has a high ceiling. That’s about all I am going to say about him for now. The Rangers also signed two highly-touted international shortstops in Jurickson Profar and Luis Sardinas. There is a lot of hype that the Rangers believe they can be great major league shortstops, however, the majority of the major league clubs were weary of these two players. Next year, let’s return to these names and see how the 2010 season fared for these foreign players.

Arizona Fall League Players – Surprise Rafters
Pitchers – (RHP)Brennan Garr; (RHP) Danny Gutierrez; (LHP) Matt Harrison
Hitters – (C) Doug Hagen; (2B) Marcus Lemon; (1B/OF) Mitch Moreland

Graduating Prospects
#2 (LHP) Derek Holland; #4 (SS) Elvis Andrus; #6 (C) Tyler Teagarden; #9 (OF) Julio Borbon; and #17 (LHP) Tommy Hunter

Players of Interest for 2010
*All prospect rankings are from Baseball America Handbook 2009 unless otherwise noted. Ages are from the 2009 season.

Hitters
#10 Max Ramirez | C | 25 | AAA | 2002 Venezuela | .234/.323/.336 | 274 AB | 18 XBH | 5 HR | .102 ISO | 85:35 K:BB | .324 BABIP | 38.8 GB% | 19.4 LD% | 41.3 FB%
I am sure everyone remembers this name from the 2009-2010 offseason. If not, he was the key piece in the eventually failed trade for Mike Lowell. The talent is legit, the health of Ramirez is starting to become an annual burden, and his age is going to limit his upside sooner rather than later. He has plus-power but plays terrible defense and strikes out far too often. Although Mike Lowell was hurt, Ramirez may soon play himself out of being a valuable trade chip. He is playing at Triple-A to start this year and with Jarrod Saltalamacchia already hurt this year, this may be a chance for him to get an extended look in the majors if he hits, because his defense will never get him to the majors.

Chad Tracy | 1B | 23 | AA | 3rd rd. in 2006 | .279/.333/.488 | 535 AB | 59 XBH | 26 HR | .209 ISO | 103:46 K:BB | .303 BABIP | 35.7 GB% | 19.7 LD% | 44.6 FB%
No, this isn’t the Cubbies’ Chad Tracy. What’s even more embarrassing than being compared to that Chad Tracy, he isn’t even ranked by Baseball America or mentioned by John Sickels. One would assume that is because he isn’t worth the ink on the page, however, when you are playing exactly where your age dictates and hit 26 homers with decent plate discipline, you should get noticed. I am not sure what’s not to like, his batting average on balls in play (.303) shows that he wasn’t exactly lucky nor unlucky. He hits a fair amount of line-drives (19.7%) and displays a fair amount of power (.209 ISO [32 doubles, 1 triple and 26 homers], league average is around .150). He is currently at Triple-A to start this year and annihilating opposing pitchers (.351/.413/.719 in 57 at-bats). Yes, this is a small sample size, and yes, he has struck out ten times (and walked five). Either way, if Smoak stumbles and Chris Davis doesn’t figure things out, Tracy may get the next call. He’ll have his troubles in the majors too.

Pitchers
#5 Martin Perez | LHP | A/AA | 18 | 2007 Venezuela | 9.3 K/9 | 3 BB/9 | 114 2/3 IP | 2.90 ERA | 3.07 FIP | 1.30 WHIP | .4 Hr/9 | 8.7 H/9 | .340 BABIP | 48.5 GB% | 19.4 LD% | 23.9 FB%
Jaw-dropping! Simply amazing. Keith Law ranked him ahead of Smoak AND Feliz! I kept hearing his name all offseason and scoffed that there was so much hype. I told myself, just wait until you talk about the Rangers to make judgment(s). And well, my excitement is higher than Brad Evans on Adderall talking about his current fantasy baseball man crush. Perez throws a 91 to 95 mph fastball, a 1-to-7 curve that he chooses to throw 68 and 81 mph, and potential plus changeup that sits between 78 to 82 mph. He doesn’t light up the gun like Feliz, or drop a curve like Wainwright. However, he does have the potential to be the next Johan Santana according to Baseball America and John Sickels. Huge hype and, well, the talent and numbers don’t lie. He was rocked in his first two starts at Double-A last year, but looked to settle down after a rough beginning. Even with terrible luck (.340 BABIP) he thrived last year. Currently he is pitching at Double-A and if all goes well, he’ll be in Triple-A by the end of the season, if not a September call-up. If you in a long term dynasty league where you can keep everyone (or if you have a few minor league roster spots) lost out on the Chapman and Strasburg hype this year, pick this young man up. Think of a mix between Clayton Kershaw and Johan Santana.

#23 Guillermo Moscoso | RHP | 25 | 20003 Venezuela | 7.7 K/9 | 2.3 BB/9 | 112 1/3 IP | 3.12 ERA | 2.96 FIP | 1.12 WHIP | .2 Hr/9 | 7.8 H/9 | .289 BABIP | 34 GB% | 15.1 LD% | 47.1 FB%
It’s hard to follow Perez, but Moscoso has been hampered by the injury bug in years past. He looks to be an end of the rotation or long relief type pitcher with a low 90′s fastball, a serviceable changeup and a show-me breaking pitch. Nothing special here, but his age limits his ceiling. He is currently at Triple-A. Might be a nice trading chip to someone like the Royals, or depth if one of the Rangers bullpen member gets hurt.

Michael Kirkman | LHP | A+/AA | 22 | 5th rd in 2006 | 7.3 K/9 | 3.8 BB/9 | 144 2/3 IP | 3.48 ERA | 4.34 FIP | 1.36 WHIP | .6 Hr/9 | 8.5 H/9 | .300 BABIP | 43.3 GB% | 15.7 LD% | 35.3 GB%
Received in the Gerald Laird trade to Detroit in the 2008-2009 offseason, he’s often compared to Jeremy Affeldt by the Rangers brass. This isn’t awesome, but it should be worth some merit, especially since Affeldt signed a two year contract extension worth nine million dollars after pitching well in the bullpen for the Giants. Kirkman throws four solid, but not spectacular, pitches that projects him to be a solid bullpen member or a fifth starter. Having quality left-handed pitchers is always a good thing, but we need to curb any enthusiasm with this young man. He finally made it back to being a respectable pitcher after two years of struggling.

Honorable Mentions
Hitters
Mitch Moreland | 1B/RF | A+/AA | 23 | 17th rd in 2007 | .331/.391/.527 | 477 AB | 57 XBH | 16 HR | .196 ISO | 68:44 K:BB | .360 BABIP | 44.2 GB% | 19.9 LD% | 36 FB%
Finally getting some recognition (wasn’t ranked in 2009 by Baseball America, is their #8 ranked prospect for 2010), Moreland is being forced to the outfield with Smoak blocking his way at first base. For the short term, he can play first but is learning right field. He has above-average power, makes frequent adjustments to his game (a sign of a committed and learning player), and good leadership skills. Not the most blessed runner, his speed will hinder his defense in the outfield. His swing is described as “funky” and with “some holes,” which he needs to fix. If his scouting report is to be believed, this should be corrected sooner rather than later. With good plate-discipline and coverage (68 strikeouts to 44 walks), a strong work ethic, and the power to play a corner outfielder, there is every reason to believe that Moreland should be in the majors at some point in 2011. He is currently at Double-A to start the 2010 season.

Eric Morrison | 3B | A/A+/AA | 23 | 46th rd in 2008 | .292/.368/.558 | 353 AB | 53 XBH | 18 HR | .261 ISO | 10/5 SB/CS | 80:31 K:BB | .347 BABIP | 34.9 GB% | 20.9 LD% | 44.2 FB% | Stat are only from Single-A
He is getting the Chad Tracy treatment (see six to eight inches above). I am not as high on Morrison as I am Tracy. Morrison’s season was aided by more luck (.347 BABIP) and he was slightly older than his cohort he was playing against. There is also the high strikeout rate. The more I write about him, the less I like him. He is playing at High-A to start this year and unless he progresses to Double-A, he probably won’t make the cut for next year.

Michael Bianucci | LF | A/A+ | 23 | 8th rd in 2008 | .288/.353/.561 | 458 AB | 62 XBH | 30 HR | .273 ISO | 9/5 SB/CS | 119:38 K:BB | .333 BABIP | 33.7 GB% | 16.6 LD% | 49.7 FB%
See Morrison, except add more power and a more neutral stance on his potential. The power is what makes Bianucci standout but his strikeouts need to come down. He struggled at High-A last year, striking out 69 times in 50 games. Chris Davis anyone?

Pitchers
#19 Kasey Kiker | LHP | AA | 21 | 1st rd, pick 12 in 2006 | 8.6 K/9 | 4.7 BB/9 | 126 IP | 3.86 ERA | 4.00 FIP | 1.38 WHIP | .6 Hr/9 | 7.7 H/9 | .292 BABIP | 39.3 GB% | 14.9 LD% | 38.7 FB%
Possessing a 90 to 93 mph fastball, a mid 70′s curveball with bite and a 79 to 80 mph changeup, Kiker’s ceiling is a number three starter; worst case scenario – power reliever. Doesn’t sound bad, except you don’t want your first round pick being a reliever. He is currently starting games at Double-A this year, but he’ll need to keep his fastball in the nineties all year and not have it tail off into the upper eighties like he did last year if he wants to be a starter long-term.

#7 (KC) Danny Gutierrez | RHP | A+/AA | 22 | 33rd rd in 2005 | 7.8 K/9 | 1.9 BB/9 | 32 1/3 IP | 1.99 ERA | 2.87 FIP | .84 WHIP | .3 Hr/9 | 5.6 H/9 | .216 BABIP | 43 GB% | 19.8 LD% | 34.7 FB%
He’s the Milton Bradley of pitchers. Traded by the Royals because of character issues (legal issues – check (assault and disorderly conduct); pissing off management – check), Gutierrez throws a 91 to 95 mph fastball and a nasty power curve (mph – mid 70′s). He was injured for part of the season last year, but scouts believe his ceiling is Darryl Kile if all breaks right. His fastball tends to be straight, but he has impeccable control of both his offerings.

#20 Wilmer Font | RHP | A | 19 | 2006 Venezuela | 8.7 K/9 | 4.9 BB/9 | 108 1/3 IP | 3.49 ERA | 3.83 FIP | 1.40 WHIP | .3 Hr/9 | 7.7 H/9 | .299 BABIP | 37 GB% | 20.3 LD% | 34.6 FB%
Another Venezuela pipeline product that has produced Elvis Andrus, Marin Perez, Guillermo Moscoso, Max Ramirez, and Luis Sardinas (among others), Font has a fastball that he throws between 93 and 98 mph. His other offerings are works-in-progress, as are his mechanics. As the 2009 season progressed, so did Font’s offerings, work ethic, and pitching (craft, i.e. not just throwing). He’s walk rate (4.9 BB/9) is downright disgusting, his strikeout rate leaves waiting with bated breath to see how his 2010 season ends. He is currently at Single-A to start this year, but could rise quickly.

So this is a fun story for you.  When I was a kid, I played 2nd base.  Was one of those pesky slap hitters that annoyed the pitchers.  I led the way for Orlando Hudson.  Call me Orlando Oldson.  At the age of twelve, I never struckout once.  All season.  That’s how Oldson did.  Then when I turned thirteen, I sucked.  I couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.  If they didn’t have to play every kid, I would’ve never seen any PT.  At one point, I had a friend promise to throw the ball right down the middle just so I could get one hit for the year.  And that was what I finished with.  One hit.  So wha’ happened?  Where did Oldson disappear to?  Well, going into that year, I discovered girls.  And all of their fleshy parts.  But I also needed glasses.  Who was I?  Chris Sabo?  Chris Sabo got laid once.  And he paid for it.  So I took the easy way out and never wore my glasses.  My baseball career paid for it big time.  But I touched a boob!  This brings me to Brian McCann.  He’s supposed to be returning.  Stat, doc.  You know what catchers need?  Rest.  You know what McCann’s had a lot of?  Mmm-hmm.  See where I’m going with this?  Of course you do.  You gots smarts!  So McCann had a terrible first month of April.  Tizz-errible.  Well, he couldn’t see like Oldson and his luck (BABIP) was in the shizzer too.  Now as long as he’s not embarrassed to wear glasses around Frenchy, he should be fine.  So potatoes to chips, he’s still a guy that can hit 20 HRs and bat .290.  Buy, snitches!  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Josh Whitesell – Starting the Buys with a -Sell?  Oh, Grey! Lots of Ks in the minors for Whitesell, but also a solid OBP.  Did someone say Dunn?  No?  I thought I heard that.  No?  Good, because that would be oversellling -Sell.

Chris Coghlan – I love the ‘lins!  I really do.  They have no problem promoting anyone.  So Coghlan can play at the hot corner, 2nd base and the outfield.  My guess is he’ll primarily see time at 3rd base so they can bench the guy who’s playing there now that is actually a pinch runner.  He could spell Maybin and Uggla on occasion.  Coghlan, besides having the weirdest name to spell outside of Buehrle, can steal bases and has a bit of power.  Think 15 HRs, 25 steals.  The steals could come easier at first.  He’s a must pursue in NL-Only.  But because his position is shallow, I’d immediately look at him in deep mixed leagues.

Juan Pierre – SAGNOF!

Michael Bourn – See 1/18th of an inch above.

Alexei Ramirez – Now you can get him for even cheaper as his owners begin to panic at The (Jayson) Nix Experiment™.  I still believe he’ll come around.

Elvis Andrus – Has been batting 2nd recently.  That’s a boon to his value.  (A boon is a positive, but Andrus is in the Buy section so context clues should help you there.)

Chris Ray – He will eventually lead the Orioles in saves.  Sure, that may only be 12 saves…

Andrew Bailey – The A’s are saying he’s going to be looked at for the closer role.  Honestly, you don’t even need to know if he’s any good to pick him up if he could be the closer, but he is good.

Mark Melancon – Mo’s Better Meaty Meat Shoulder is hurting.  Melancon could see some saves short term if Mariano’s hurting. (UPDATE:  In a bizarre move, the Yanks optioned Melancon to the minors right after this was posted.  Guess they have Mo faith than I.)

John Grabow - Capps has a minor elbow issue.  Are pitchers ever okay when they have anything wrong with their elbow?  I see a trip to the Disgraceful List in Capps’s future.

Scott Hairston – Hitting 3rd for the Padres.  Faint endorsement for Hairston, major indictment of the Padres.

Jesus Guzman – With Aurilla and Ishikawa’s careers in the toilet and nobody flushing, how long until Guzman floats to the surface?

Jimmy Rollins – Sitting on a 13/1/7/.213/1 line.  Wheels have come off Rollins, fo’ diggity.  Unless he has a mysterious ankle injury that he’s not talking about, he’ll get better.

SELL

Jair Jurrjens – His K/BB rate is terrible, and his ERA will regress. But ya’ll didn’t think Jar-Jar would give you a 2.00 ERA all year anyway, did you?  Don’t trade him for a bag of boiled peanuts, but I’d explore options.  As they don’t say, the best is not yet to come.

Scott Kazmir – It seems like he’s headed for Junksville.  In my top 20 starter for 2009 post, I put Kazmir in a tier of pitchers I would never own.  Unfortunately, I co-drafted with Rudy and have Kazmir on one team.  *shakes fist at sky*  Rudy!

Jeff Weaver – Make sure when looking at trade offers you’re not thrown by the ol’ Je. Weaver trick.

Omar Infante – Hey, he’s playing! But, hey, he sucks.  Oh.

Scott Richmond – If you can pawn him off for any piece whatsoever, do it.  He’s really not this good.  In fact, there’s a good chance he’s going to be awful.

Chad Tracy – With the recall of Josh Whitesell, Tracy’s time is getting pinched.

Chris Dickerson – Losing time to Laynce Nix.  Wow, this was a big week in the Nix household.  BTW, what’s with the Y’s in their first names?  Layme.

Dallas Braden – Has been solid so far with a 2.50 ERA and 1.39 WHIP.  Whoa.  1.39 WHIP is smoke.  Yup, there’s a ‘too many walks’ fire burning in 3 of the last 4 starts.  A bottle of Liquid Paper may get dumped on his ERA any start now.

Manny Ramirez – A female fertility drug?  Even as he breaks our hearts, he makes us smile.  Now don’t sell him too cheaply, but I’d explore options.  Remember, by the time Manny returns, he may be in his 2nd trimester.

Emilio Bonifacio is like that kid in the 80′s movies that seemed like he didn’t belong but, by the end, is holding his own.  At least for one day.  Yes, Bonifacio has 2B eligibility, but the Marlins are playing him at 3rd.  Who knows how long this lasts?  Perhaps as long as Anthony Michael Hall’s career.  It doesn’t hurt that he stole 3 bags and had an inside-the-park homer (I didn’t see this HR, but I assuming he hit it at Dunn).  Just don’t get addicted to him (like Ally Sheedy would).  Today was nice, but he’s still just steals.  Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Felipe Lopez – 2 HRs.  I <3 Felipe.

Jason Motte – 1 IP, 4 ER, Apple Sauce!  How long you think LaRussa’s going to stay loyal to the rookie?  Franklin might’ve been named the closer before the final out of the ninth inning.  Mint!

Jeremy Guthrie – 6 IP, 3 ER.  I like Guthrie and even I had no faith in him for yesterday’s game.  He’s incredibly consistent.  Not quite a quality start after not quite a quality start.  Sounds like a crack, but there’s a place for that.  And that’s how you faintly sing someone’s praises.  After the game, Hank Steinbrenner told Cashman, “Go offer that guy $120 million.”

CC Sabathia – Without Prince Fielder balancing the other side of the bench, Sabathia fell flat on his face.  Hopefully this isn’t a sign he’s getting off to another terrible start like he did last year.

Jorge Posada – HR yesterday.  I don’t think he’s going to be any good this year, but if he’s at all usable, it will be in the early going before age and injuries catch up to him.  (<–kind of a pun!)

Jorge Cantu – 2-4 with a 3 run HR.  Hitting behind Ramirez for the rest of the season can only help.  It’s too early to predict a repeat of his 92/29/95 2008 season, but he’ll be a bigger bargain than most drafted cornermen.

Trevor Hoffman – Was expected on April 11th, but now it’s not happening.  Ken Macha said, “”Will he be ready on the 11th?  Probably not. … I went through this whole thing with Harden.”  Whoa… Whoa!  Is he comparing Hoffman to Harden?  Uh-oh.

Kevin Gregg – Save and an earned run.

Carlos Marmol – Scoreless Hold.  Cust kayin’.

Adam Jones – 3-for-3, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs.  Have I mentioned lately how much I like Jones?

Chris Ray – Opened the 7th inning, gave up 2 runs and recorded only one out.  Let Sherrill free.  No handcuffs for him right now.

Tony Clark – 2 HRs yesterday — respect your elders!  According to the Elias Sports Bureau, this is the first time in a long time two teammates homered from the both sides of the plate in the same game.  (Elias Sports Bureau didn’t actually say that, but here’s something that was overheard yesterday at the Elias Sports Bureau office, “In human resources, Ken put his checkbook on the top of his head and made the same joke about balancing his checkbook six times in one week, which is a new record.)

Chad Tracy – HR yesterday.  Tracy could be an intriguing name or he could just kill Reynolds’ and his value.  Today might instill some confidence in Bob Melvin making dopey decisions to bench Mark Reynolds.  Melvin!

Justin Verlander – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Can’t say I didn’t warn you about drafting Verlander.

Adam Lind – HR and 6 RBIs yesterday.  As I said in the top 80 outfielder post, “By the end of the year, Lind could be worth owning in all leagues.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Travis Snider – HR yesterday.  Want more?  Click Here –> Snider fantasy baseball

Hiroki Kuroda – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  No knock on Kuroda, but I’d start anyone against the Padres.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER.  You want a limb?  F-Her wins the Cy Young.  Agreed, he’s not getting support.  But Lincecum had the ’27 Yankees behind him?  Then again, maybe I should look at who F-Her was facing before starting the superlatives.  The Twins are pathetic.  Cuddyer’s batting number three. That has to be the sorriest excuse for a number… Oh, wait a minute.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 4 ER.  Mike Sweeney was the Mariners’ number three guy.  Okay, they win.  How do you go through an offseason and come out the other end saying, “We’re good. We have Mike Sweeney as our number three hitter.”

Franklin Gutierrez – HR yesterday.  The Big FraGu!  Was batting 2nd.  May as well have been batting 8th since he was being protected by Mike Sweeney.  Sweeney!

Howie Kendrick – He went 2-for-4 with a HR.  There’s now a 33% chance he finishes the year batting .500.

Brandon Webb – 4 IP, 6 ER.  I’ve always been firmly in the Peavy camp when looking at top starters.  Webb seems to go stretches where he’s just okay then other stretches where he’s lights out.  Six earned runs doesn’t usually happen during the lights out stage, but it’s too early to even think about benching him.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – HR yesterday against a lefty.   If he’s starting and hitting against lefties, it could be a great sign going forward.

Alex Rodriguez – Now aiming for a late-April return.

John Lannan – With Brandon Backe, Tim Redding, Greg Smith and Brian Bannister, Lannan could’ve been on the risky pitcher post if he had any value at all.

Adam Wainwright – Would’ve been nice to get the Win, but 9 baserunners in just over 5 innings leaves me glad he was facing the Pirates.  Luckily, he wasn’t facing the Manatee Community College.

Daniel Murphy – HR yesterday.  Just one of those things.  May only hit 13 more this year.  Which would leave him with 14.  That’s math!

Delmon Young – Was benched yesterday.  In the dugout, he was seen on the clubhouse phone talking to the similarly benched, Elijah Dukes.  Young, “Did you finish A People’s History of the United States?”  Dukes, “I just can’t get into Howard Zinn.  He’s too militant.”

Paul Maholm – 6 2/3, 1 ER.  Can’t hurt to have him as a fourth or fifth starter in some deep leagues.

Cliff Lee – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Guest post contributor and frequent commenter, the Baron Von Vulturewins had this to say yesterday about Cliff Lee’s opening day start.  Cliff Lee, “Hello?” Reality, “Yes. Is this Cliff Lee?” Lee, “Yes it is.” Reality, “This is reality calling. I was trying to reach you all of last year.” fin

Aaron Harang – Dusty was prudent with Harang, limiting him to 90 pitches.  Unfortunately, he brought in Harang to relieve him, which only exhausted Aaron as he had to go from the dugout to the bullpen back to the mound.  No word yet on whether Harang had sex with Dusty’s wife or daughter.

Ian Stewart – Sean Connery, “Ee-yan Shtewart is going to get Shecond baysh eligibility.”  On a similar note, Todd Helton is set to star in the new Bond film, “Turn Back The Clock On My Back.”  Helton’s Bond girl would be named, Miss Aja Chair.  Coming this fall, watch as Miss Aja rubs Helton the Rocky Mountain way.  The femme fatale would be Clit Hurdle.

Halladay is the vet who averages 10 innings a game. AJ Burnett is the high-paid free agent with filthy stuff. McGowan is the prospect that’s on the verge of greatness, but Marcum has the best ERA, WHIP and K rate. That’s right, Shaun Marcum! Wait, who? Um, he’s from Missouri. You know, Marcum! He’s prone to the home run ball and… Let’s see… He’s averaging about one baserunner every seven starts. He has a ridiculous BABIP that’s under .200… (Grey, please no numbers!) Okay, sorry, grasshopper. So what are some predictions? Marcum is a solid #3 starter that should have between a 3.50 and 4.00 ERA the rest of the way. *nodding off* I’m sorry. What? Oh, Marcum! Right! Wow, Marcum is boring, right? He’s throwing a .87 WHIP through May and I can’t get excited about him at all. Maybe it’s because he’s from Missouri. Where is Missouri? Do they have TV there? Isn’t that Cardinals country? Why am I talking about the Cardinals? Cause Marcum’s really boring. But he can be helpful. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday:

Brandon Webb – Has dropped 2 in a row since the 9 game winning streak. If you convince someone in your league that he’s going to lose 7 more in a row, go for it. He’s as good a bet as there is for a starting pitcher right now. Worthy of a straight-up trade with just about any hitter not picked in the 1st round.

Jair Jurrjens – He was removed after 4 and 2/3 innings when he was up 2 runs. Sometimes a Cox yanking doesn’t lead to a happy ending.

Melky Cabrera – After a great April, Melky has been awful in May. Figure he’ll be in-between for the rest of the year which makes him a 15/15 OF who varies from 5th OF to droppable in most leagues.

Jason Bergmann – It’s hard to believe in anyone in Washington, but we’re fast becoming believers in Bergmann. 3 straight scoreless outings with 22 Ks in 19.2 IP. He was a reliever in the minors so it’s hard to project his stats, but he pitched OK last year in his first stint with the Nationals. Ride the streak and see where it takes you.

Corey Patterson – We suggest he move in with Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. They can all star in Lost Boys 2. (BTW, after offhandedly mentioning Sidney Pollack in Sunday night’s post, I wouldn’t stand too close to the Two Coreys today.)

Chase Headley – We told you about Ian Stewart 10 ten days prior to his call-up. We told you about Jay Bruce eight days prior. Headley should be up soon too. So if you’re still holding onto him, keep holding onto him. Let’s reevaluate in a week. (BTW, I don’t think everyone needs Headley, but if you’re weak at 3rd or corner, you might.)

Cristian Guzman – I feel like he could go 100/40/.330/40 and no one would ever pick him up and, next year, no one would draft him. It would be an interesting experiment to see if Cristian Guzman hit 27 home runs in a month, how long it would take for people to think he was for real and pick him up. I’d say he’d still be at 33% owned at the end of the month. Am I saying this because I think he’s worth a pickup and no one is because of preconceived notions? Oh, heck no. I just philosophize about mock drafts and fantasy expertise; you can call me a White-Mustachioed Socrates.

Chad Tracy – No one likes a red-headed stepchild. All he’s going to do is steal ABs from Co-Jack and Mark Reynolds.

Salomon Torres – If you feel like it’s a broken record, I apologize, but he can be the closer for two months. Team decisions about who is getting paid more (Backne) might affect the outcome, but don’t think Torres can’t do the job. “This was paid for by the committee to avoid a closer by committee.”

Ryan Spilborghs – A Corky Thatcher-looking skull that looks like it can be bought at Spencer Gifts is an alien God? Karen Allen looked like she’s too old to be dating Tommy Lee Jones forget Indiana Jones. Shia LaDouce is a tough-ass greaser? Why not just put a comb in Jonathan Lipnicki’s back pocket? *realizing it’s Spilborghs, not Spielberg* Oh, um, Spilborghs has been batting fourth with Holliday out. If he’s facing a lefty, you should absolutely have him in your lineup.

Chase Utley/Ryan Howard – I’m only surprised when one of them doesn’t hit a home run.

Kosuke Fukudome – Lately, he’s been like Ichiro without the speed or Matsui without the power. Either way, he’s in a serious funkudome.

Nick Markakis – I am Sparkakis!

Gary Sheffield – Oblique spasms. Perhaps they were caused by the fork poking him to check if he’s done.