Fantasy Baseball Advice

In a year where umpires like Joe West and Bill Hohn are doing all they can to show they are far from perfect, Jim Joyce went one step further by having his imperfection blow someone else’s perfection.  It’s like that O. Henry short story where the poor wife cuts off her hair and sells it to buy him a pocket watch accessory and the husband laughs at her bald head.  For all intents and purposes, Armando Galarraga pitched a perfect game yesterday.  The Governor of Michigan is declaring he pitched a perfect game.  Unfortunately for Galarraga, the Governor’s previous proclamations that ‘Detroit is the pearl of the Midwest’ and ‘Kid Rock is STD-free in my book’ were never accepted by the tourism and medical industries so it’s unlikely MLB will honor her request.  Who I really feel bad for?  Harvey Haddix.  Now he has to share his asterisk.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper left the game with an injury.  Shocker!  No way!  C’mon!

Derek Lowe – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Came into this game with a 4.86 ERA and guess how many wins.  Go ahead, I’ll wait.  Nope, higher.  Higher still.  No, not 30.  Lower.  No, not 29!  Came in with 7 wins.  Now has 8.  While I have guys like Jonathan Sanchez with 3 wins and a 2.90 ERA.  Why can’t I ever get any good Win karma?

Josh Beckett – Will have his rehab slowed for 10 days while they figure out how to fix his delivery.  Probably will push his return date back about three weeks, at least.  If you have room on your DL, I’d continue to hold him since it’s not an injury, it’s a brain fart.

Vladimir Guerrero – Day-to-day as he left practice with a left eye injury and went to the hospital.  Last athlete that happened to was Andre Rison.

Miguel Olivo – Out until Friday with a broken fingernail.  Last athlete to miss time with a broken fingernail was Michelle Wie.

Kevin Gregg – Gaston said Gregg would get off Wednesday.  Maybe he saw he ordered The Spice Channel… Oh, “get off” as in rest.  See, misread that.  If there was any doubt that Gregg’s still the closer, Frasor and Downs did what they could to confirm it yesterday.  Frasor didn’t record an out, walking Upton then Downs gave up a grand slam to Crawford.  It seems appropriate that the less Gregg pitches the better his hold on the closer job becomes.

Kevin Slowey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Sticking with the Kevin theme, Slowey actually made it out of the 6th inning.  Wonders never cease.  Wasn’t a particularly dominating performance against a poor offense in a pitchers’ park.  He gets the Royals next, so last night’s start might’ve been a ploy for him to build trust so he can crush your hopes and dreams next time out.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I see your hot hitting Blue Jays and I raise you an ace in the making.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 hits, no walks, 7 Ks.  The time before, 8 walks and 1 K.  That Dice-K always finding ways to keep his WHIP obscene.  There’s absolutely no consistency with Dice-K, which makes it impossible for me to recommend him.

Dodgers vs. Diamondbacks – 2 straight games scoreless after nine innings.  I understand the World Cup is right around the corner, but why are they playing soccer?  On Tuesday, Kemp scored in penalty time.  Yesterday, the Dodgers won 1-0 again.  Is it the LA Galaxy vs. the Arizona Borderjumpers?  Next thing you know, LA will be trading for (Gordon) Beckham.

Carlos Monasterios – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks. Worth a look in NL-Only leagues, but he’s a Rule 5 guy and his stuff only looked good yesterday because of the Diamondlacks.

Garret Anderson – 1-for-6 as he bats .157.  Many a great OF has returned to his original city to play his last year or two for another team in the same city.  Babe Ruth playing for the Boston Braves.  Willie Mays for the New York Mets.  Hank Aaron for the Milwaukee Brewers.  Garret Anderson for the Los Angeles Dodgers.  It’s like a Mount Rushmore of outfielders if Teddy Roosevelt were replaced by Chester A. Arthur.

Edwin Jackson – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Only Dodger player to get a hit on Edwin was Jamey Carroll.  Edwin was featured in the FIP post in March that said you shouldn’t draft him, then he was featured again in the FIP post in May that said he should be better.  Now he’s pitching as he should be?  Well, not quite, but he should still be a 4 ERA guy and he’s over 5.

Gavin Floyd – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K vs. the Rangers, not a good road hitting team.  Nothing says I hate your freakin’ guts like a pitcher who pitches well in two straight starts then does this.  This is the kind of start that makes me want to avoid him completely.  Or break his kneecaps.

Paul Konerko – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers to bring his total up to 16.  Feels like he hasn’t hit one in a month.  Cust kayin’.

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He needed 115 pitches through 5 innings, so I wouldn’t go as far as saying Wandy is back.  It’s a nice sign in the right direction.  Unfortunately, he gets the Rockies in Coors next, so any forward momentum on the Wandwagon may be short-lived.

Jorge Posada -1-for-3 as he returns from the DL to DH.  Symmetry, I know.  The Great Gazoo will see the majority of the starts behind the plate since Posada still can’t catch.

Robinson Cano – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  You know a guy is having a special season when he goes cold, as he did in May, and is still hitting .373 on the year.

Chad Gaudin – The Yankees signed Gaudin.  While it’s understood that a bullpen facing a major crisis would turn to Gaudin, you’d expect the Evil Empire would find someone more fitting like Mephistopheles McMoneybags or Vinnie Yonkers.

Ken Griffey Jr. – Retired today – as in the ‘I’m going to retire and not playing any more’ vs. ‘I’m going to retire to the clubhouse for a nappy-poo.’  He leaves the game as the best all-around CF since Willie Mays, the best all-around ‘Kid’ since Billy, and the best Ken Griffey since Ken Griffey.

John Axford – Got his third save.  As Trevor Hoffman buries his head in the sands of time, Axford is quietly walking away with the closer job.  This thing isn’t figured out just yet, but for now own Axford and Hoffman.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his tenth homer.  Would love to see this be the start of one of his crazy homer binge streaks.  That is all.

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I joke around about hodgepadres, but you guys (and three girls — hey, ladies!) do realize the Padres have a 2.56 ERA at home, right?  Across all of my teams, I own every single hodgepadre at least once.  Ya’ll should too.

Jose Contreras – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  The Phillies said Lidge will be returned to the closer role any day now.  Since Contreras came in two consecutive games that were not save situations, I’d say Lidge’s time is very soon.  (BTW, the monthly look at all closers is coming this afternoon.  No, you can’t wait!)

Jayson Werth – 1-for-3 as he hit leadoff.  When reporters asked Charlie Manuel why he batted Werth leadoff, he said, “Look, if I’m going to fall off the turnip truck, I’m going to bring some turnips with me and fashion a turnip gun out of the tailpipe.  And as any good turnip marksman will tell you, you’ve got to fire off a few stray turnips before you’ve hit your target.  Any more root vegetable queries before I hit the showers?”

Justin Upton heads to the DL with an oblique injury.  For those reading, who just got out of a time machine from the 80s, no one has any idea what an oblique is.  And stop wearing Cavariccis.  Upton will probably be out more than the required 15 days, because these oblique injuries that no one has ever heard of are tricky.  With the Baby Backs out of every race outside of The Greatest 3rd Baseman To Ever Grace the Human Race Race, they’re not going to rush Upton.  Does this hurt you to hear?  It’s not my intention.  But just don’t expect anything until September from Upton.  On the bright side, now you have room for Will Venable.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Reynolds – HR yesterday then he was removed with a sore thumb.  It doesn’t seem to be anything to worry about.  Mini-donkeys get sore thumbs apparently.

Trent Oeltjen – 2-for-6, as he hit his first major league homer yesterday and got two steals for the depleted ‘Backs outfield.  He’s from Australia.  So I guess that makes him a *pinkie to mouth* Outback.  He’s a bit old for a prospect, but he has some mild pop and speed.  Think David Murphy as the best case scenario.  And, to impress your friends, Oeltjen is pronounced like Meltjen but with an O.

Alex Romero – 4-for-7, steal, 3 RBIs and batted 2nd.  He reminds me of Crapolanco.  Not a compliment.  He has a yawnstipating power and speed and a good average.

Lastings Milledge – 2-for-5, and a steal.  He’s worth a flier.  Between him and fellow transgressor, Dukes?  I’d take Dukes.

Billy Butler – Back-to-back games with homers.  Worth a look in 10 team leagues for your corner spot.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4, maybe it’s the start of something, but he hasn’t put together a decent month since 2007.  Not a crack, he really hasn’t.

Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-4, and .260 over the last 7 games.  Think it’s safe to put The Big FraGu back on waivers until next year.

Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 Ks.  Let’s see, he finally pitches well and now has a 6.66 ERA.  Can someone say Fausto-ian bargain?  I wouldn’t pick Carmona in any league, even a Cleveland Indians-Only league.  Damn you, damn you and your 6.66 ERA to hell!

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, and has been scorching hot over the last week.  He’ll also be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell to really drive the hitchhiking point home.

John Baker – HR yesterday.  Member when he was all the rage back in May and you understood exactly what I meant when I said punt catchers, then three weeks later you were cursing Baker and wishing you drafted a catcher?  Ah, yes.  Those were the days…

Hanley Ramirez – 3-for-5 and 2 steals, batting .344 on the year with 16 homers and 18 steals.  I don’t mention the top players too much unless there’s something wrong.  And that’s not with Hanley… Well, not directly, but, man, the Marlins have really put the brakes on his running game.  He doesn’t have more than 5 steals in any month.  25/25 from your shortstop is great, don’t get me wrong.  But you want more from Hanley, don’t you?

Vladimir Guerrero – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  It’s a limb, but I think when you drafted Vlad you were counting on more than 10 homers.

J.A. Happ – The Phils say he will stay in the rotation.  Basically, take everything I say about Happ and inverse it.  He’s officially confounded me.  That could mean Jamie Moyer goes to the bullpen.  This makes absolutely no sense to me.  Happ has value coming into a close game in the middle innings.  I believe Moyer has no value being used that way.

Shane Victorino – 0-for-4, The Flying Hawaiian looks like he’s really struggling with his knee.  I’m concerned.

Aaron Cook – 5 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with a sore toe.  There goes the Rox pickup soccer game midfielder.  Cook’s probably day-to-day.

Elijah Dukes – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Somewhere Jim Bowden smiles.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-4, and another homer.  Mentioned this the other day, but it bears repeating, because, frankly, it’s pretty amazing to me how streaky Zimmerman is.  Good to file away in the back of the ol’ medulla oblongata for H2H players.

Casey Kotchman – HR yesterday.  Is there anything more satisfying then when you pick up a guy for a short schedule day and then he hits a homer?  It’s like picking up a girl anywhere but a bar. (BTW, the girl can still be drunk for this to be satisfying.)

David Ortiz – 0-for-5, batting .222 on the year.  I have a sneak peek of his Saturday press conference, “I’m batting .222 on the year.  I used to hit 50 homers and bat over .300.   Yet, I had no idea what A-Rod’s cousin was shooting me up with.”  Borrr-ring.

Frank Francisco – Pitched a scoreless 8th inning. Any day now he should return to the closer’s role or the DL.

Brandon Lyon – Got the save because he entered the game in the 8th in a save situation.  No change of the guards here.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, HR and a steal yesterday.  I literally wrote his name in the Sell section of this afternoon’s post before this game.  Guess his blurb will go in the director’s cut.

Tommy Hunter – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up.

Nelson Cruz – Sounds like he’s headed to a DL.  Why, you ask.  Because he can’t throw a ball or swing a bat.  That’ll usually do it.

Rafael Soriano – 3 earned runs, no outs as he blew the save.  Could’ve been worse, could’ve set fire to my house.

Chad Gaudin – What happens when a HodgePadre doesn’t pitch well at home?  He gets traded.  That’ll teach him!  Aaron Poreda may get the vacant rotation spot in San Diego, or Geer or Mujica.  Poreda would have value, the other two would not.

Clayton Richard – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 9 baserunners.  Wasn’t a brilliant start, but definitely worth holding onto for home games and he gets a bunch of decent matchups for the last 2 months.

Bobby Parnell – Added to the Mets rotation.  I believe Bobby Parnell is the little black kid from Role Models.  Not positive though.

J.A. Happ threw a complete game shutout yesterday with only 6 baserunners and 10 Ks vs.  Jorge de la Rosa’s 5 IP, 7 ER, 3 Ks line.  I pretty much saw this matchup going almost exactly opposite.  Maybe I had my contacts in backwards.  dlR had won seven games in a row.  Happ was coming off two losses.  dlR’s a lefty, the Phils don’t hit lefties well.  Maybe I underestimated Happ’s desire to stay in the rotation with Pedro breathing down his neck.  This was a solid case for that, but if the Phils don’t pull Happ from the rotation they’re jeopardizing his 2010 (when people take flying cars to the ballpark).  Happ should be moved to the bullpen and Pedro should be put into the rotation.  Even if that means Pedro throws a bunch of 4 inning, 3 run games and Happ comes in in the 5th inning and throws three dominant innings.  It’s the right move for everyone and I think that’s the way the Phils should/will go.  To clarify, this is not an endorsement of Pedro.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

David Wright – HR yesterday.  As I said yesterday in the comments, “(The Mets play-by-play man, Cohen, said) that was (Wright’s) first opposite field homer in the new park.  For a guy that goes that way, that’s not great.  After all, we’re in August.”  And that’s me quoting me quoting Gary Cohen!  Cohen also said the humidity may be helping the ball carry.  So now Metco is Yellowstone instead of the Grand Canyon.  Sah-weet.

Jon Niese – Out for the season.  Surprisingly, the Mets trainer had time to help him off the field.

Gary Sheffield – Left the game with an injury.  It’s The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard.

Pablo Sandoval – 3-for-4, .334 on the season.  I think the average comes down a bit by the end of the season (not much).  But Pablo’s been an absolute revelation this year — .374 on the season as a righty.  .314 as a lefty.  .382 in home games.  17 homers.  4 steals.  Catcher eligibility.  Same weight as Kyle Blanks and seven inches shorter.  In the beginning of the year, I mentioned that I thought Sandoval looked a lot like Edgar Martinez.  I still think it.  And he’s affectionately nicknamed Kung-Fu Panda because he’s athletic and fat.  (I would’ve went with the other athletic, fat person nickname — The Fabulous Moolah.)

Chad Gaudin – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  I should’ve made a bigger deal of this when I did it, but the other day I dropped Gaudin in all of my leagues.  He’s consistently been better in road games.  A HodgePadre who can’t pitch at Petco makes no sense to me.  I don’t know what to do with that.  Makes me feel like Rainman when he can’t watch Jeopardy.

Will Venable – Another HR.  Okay, sorta on topic, sorta not, but I’ve been meaning to address this.  There’s no reason to ask me something like, “Venable or Velez for the rest of the year?”  The rest of the season?  These guys may not be good by the middle of August.  The rest of the season only applies if you play in a league where you have a limited number of moves or you’re marrying a von Bülow.  Don’t get attached to anyone in your UTIL spot, MI or fifth outfield spot.  I have Kyle Blanks, Wigginton, David Murphy, Velez, Venable, Beckham, Robot Jones and Gomes on different teams (thankfully).  I can guarantee you I won’t have 90% of those guys in two weeks.  In fact, I just dropped Gomes.  Play the hot guy and move on.  Especially at this time of the year.  Okay, school’s out, Alice Cooper.

David Murphy – 2 HRs yesterday.  As mentioned above, I own him on a few teams.

Kevin Gregg – Returned from a tired arm.  Piniella was annoyed that Gregg didn’t mention he was suffering from a tired arm over the weekend when he blew two saves, saying, “I can’t just read somebody’s mind.  I can look at the stuff, but by the time I look at the stuff, it’s a little late.  The ball’s out of the ballpark and the mojito doesn’t taste as good.”  He sounds like LaRussa.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners vs. a team that was selling at the trade deadline.  You’re really wasting your time with Liriano.

Aaron Laffey – 8 IP, 0 ER.  If you pick him up, you will be Sobby.

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  As you can imagine, I don’t root for players I don’t own, but I’m kinda rooting for Edwin.  He’s been at the game ever since honeys been wearin’ Sassoons.  Nice that he’s finally making good.  Man, I really love prospects who fail at first.

John Lannan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  He can just as easily get shelled in his next start out vs. the Braves.  I’m pessimistically cautious going forward.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-5 and a steal, as he bats almost .400 over his last 7 games.  I’m picking him up in a few leagues, though his lack of legit speed bores me so he may not stay on any team too long.

Ryan Roberts – Now has 3 homers in the last two days.  I still don’t think this is going anywhere you wanna go, but if you’re hurting at MI, it won’t hurt to grab him.

Erik Bedard – His shoulder is still sore and he’s headed for an MRI.  Punt!

Justin Upton – Strained oblique (vague!).  Hopefully it’s not too bad, but unfortunately these are the sort of injuries that linger like poorly chewed jalapenos.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 29th homer yesterday.  Country strong.

Jim Thome – 2 HRs yesterday.  Country stronger.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Absolutely incredible the year he’s putting together in his home park.  Around a two and a half ERA at home, while over 5.50 ERA away.

Jason Bay – HR yesterday.  It was his first one since July 7th.  Good sign!  Reaggravated his hamstring injury.  Bad sign!

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 Ks.  Only one walk, which is a good sign for The RZE, but I still wouldn’t own him this year.

Justin Lehr – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Here’s what you do with Justin Lehr.  Photoshop Justin Lehr’s name onto Stephen Strasburg’s college stats page, then screenshot it and post the .jpg in your league messageboard.

David Price – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks, 0 walks.  Nice showing vs. the Sawx.  Very nice to see him string back-to-back starts together.  Let’s hope his next start vs. the Angels is his third step forward.

Prince Fielder – Stole a base yesterday.  After the game, he said he pictured Mota’s face on the 2nd base bag.

Garrett Jones – HR yesterday.  You know how you love a guy for a week or two when he’s out of his mind, hitting homers every game, then he goes through a week slump and you’re ready to drop him.  Then the day you prepare to drop him, he hits a homer.  Now are you excited by this latest homer or annoyed?  I kinda get annoyed.  I just want him to fail one more day so I can drop him.  I gotta talk to my shrink about what that means.

Jason Bay has been terrible.  Like Don Mattingly’s wife in a mugshot terrible.  In June, J-Bay hit .230 and 4 homers, but he was hitting the cover off the ball in June compared to July.  In July, he’s hitting .203 with 1 homer.  This month Garrett Jones has hit more homers during REM sleep.  The optimist in me says Bay will hit 15 homers and .300 the rest of the way with ten steals.  The pessimist in me thinks he’ll be benched in favor of Chris Duncan.  The realist looks at all of his splits and sees a guy that has been consistent throughout his career, minus a season (2007) when he was battling knee problems.  The surrealist in me thinks Bay will hit a line drive up the middle that will ricochet off the pitcher and shoot to the 1st baseman who will smack the ball into center, then the ball will slowly roll back towards the infield until God tilts the field and the ball rolls towards the 3rd baseman, but God tilts too far and the field freezes causing the ball to roll back towards the catcher.  In all likelihood, Bay’s 2nd half should be somewhere in the realist realm (though it would be cool if the surrealist was spot-on).  I think Bay can give you 10+ homers, .280 average and a handful of steals.  Right now, I’m actively trying to acquire him in one league.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – Back to the DL.  In related news, George Sherrill was an All-Star in 2008, Adam Jones in 2009 and Chris Tillman is about to be called up.

Ted Lilly – After he was rocked by the Phils, I said he might end up on the DL.  Lo and behold, voilà, alas, see that, told ya so, etc.  Lilly’s now on the DL.  Will miss about a month.

Kevin Millwood – Left after two innings because of tightness in his glutes.  That never bothered Richard Simmons.

Chad Gaudin/John Lannan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners and 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, respectively, with two no decisions.  Watching the Nats and Padres really tested my love for baseball.  I don’t want to test fate for the off chance Tom Paciorek is rehired, but listening to Bob Carpenter and Dibble is like sitting next to Ted Striker on an airplane.

Ryan Zimmerman – Since May when he hit .342, he’s hitting .238 with 5 homers and nary a steal.  This guy has 9 homers and is batting .260.  This guy is Kevin Kouzmanoff.

Everth Cabrera – It was about five games ago, I said I’m selling back all of my old EverCab CDs at Amoeba, now he has 4 straight games with a steal.  SAGNOF!

Kyle Blanks – HR yesterday.  Rudy’s pride and joy now has three homers in the last week (while batting about .240).

Daric Barton – 2-for-4, after he finally did something he left the game with a hamstring strain.  If he were a bigger name, he could have had the lead with the title, Barton Fink.

Dallas Braden – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER and 16 baserunners.  I sat him in The Jetstream.  I’m going to give him his next start vs. the Blue Jays at home.  If that doesn’t work out, then bye-bye Braden.

Brett Gardner – Headed to the DL with a broken left thumb.  So much for the Fonzie impersonations.

Brett Cecil – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Sticking with the newly-established Brett theme, Cecil now has three solid starts in a row and gets Oakland next.

Joe Blanton – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Now has a 2.55 ERA through the last two months.  I’ve been starting him everywhere for the last three weeks in a 12 team league.  I’d own him in a 10 team league at this point.

Julio Lugo – Batting .571 since the trade to the Cards and has a homer and a steal.  Lugo wouldn’t be the first middle infielder lemon that LaRussa turned into lemonade.

John Smoltz – 5 IP, 6 ER.  I know he had a lot of great years.  But your nostalgia is hurting you like when you sneak off into your attic and look at photos of you with your one true love.  Burn the photos, man.  She’s married with kids.

Nolan Reimold – .417 and three steals since The Break.  No idea where this newfound speed is coming from, but he’s capable of a few week streak where he’s ownable in all leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4, HR and steal yesterday.  Whatever Yunel was drinking last week, Johnson seems like he’s bogarting it now.

Jason Schmidt – 3 IP, 4 ER.  Yup, sounds about right.

Russell Martin – Hit his third homer yesterday.  He would be leading the league if this were April 7th.

Anthony Swarzak – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2, 1 steal.  After being declared the starting left fielder, he didn’t get the start Friday or Saturday.  Obviously Jim Tracy put starting in quotes.

Aaron Cook – 7 IP, 2 ER and the Win.  The third starter I had going yesterday in my crapfecta of pitchers (the other two were Lannan and Gaudin).  As I’ve said (numerous times) before, there is so much pitching out there you don’t have to have the exciting names (Liriano, Ervin Santana, Smoltz, Porcello, any number of rookie pitchers) to be competitive in pitching.  Boring works too.

Justin Morneau – 2 HRs yesterday as he makes his case for MVP.  Judge Grey presiding in the case of Morneau versus the AL field.  Without the runs and A-Rod hanging with Madge, what do you got?  A sucka in a uniform callin’ his shot…

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  He’s mocking you now.  You took the flier; it didn’t work.  Let him go.  You’ll feel much better when he’s doing this to someone else’s team.

Gerardo Parra – Rico Suave’s mocking me now.  I held him for so long in a deep league.  Since I dropped him last week (4 games ago), 2 homers, 7 RBIs, 4 Runs and one steal.

Tony Pena Jr. – To go reverse Ankiel on us and become a pitcher.  If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…

On July 16th, Padres GM, Kevin Towers, said there’s a 50-50 chance that Jake Peavy would pitch again. Turned out there was a 50-50 chance that he was lying.  On July 16th, Peavy’s boot came off and his ankle is healthy.  Peavy now says he’ll pitch again this year.  Oh, okay.  Peavy is the Padres ace, i.e., they’re not going to mess with bringing him back to make sure they win 60 games instead of 58. Then consider he’s not coming back until September at the earliest, so you’re looking at a guy that might pitch five games.  As my dead, Jewish grandmother would’ve said, big whoop.  I know it sucks you lost Peavy, but now you’re compounding your misfortune by wasting a roster spot on him.  If you don’t have a DL spot for him, give Peavy the boot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Whitesell – Will be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  I’ll give you a teaser.  Later on today, I’ll say, “Whitesell doesn’t have…”  Ah, what doesn’t he have?  Power?  A middle name?  Feet?  You’ll have to wait to find out.

B.J. Ryan – Signed by the Cubs.  B.J. becomes a LOOGY.  Hmm… That sounds wrong.

Raul Ibanez – 2 HRs in his first two 2nd half ABs.  In my fantasy baseball top 100 for 2009, I pointed out how he’s a 2nd half hitter (#34 for the time-deprived).

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 3 ER.  It’s little consolation, but he shouldn’t have given up the three 4th inning runs.  Just bad defense.

Rafael Soriano – Save yesterday.  Soriano’s putting together a year like Waking Joey Devine did last year.  In related news, Gonzalez is battling elbow tendinitis.

Oliver Perez – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Could throw 200 scoreless innings and you’d pick him up and he’d give up 8 runs in two-thirds of an inning for the first start with you.  Guaranteed.

Jeff Francoeur – 0-for-4, 1 RBI in his return to Atlanta.  In honor of Frenchy’s return, Chipper swung at a ball in the dirt.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  Deja vu?  Nope, deja vs. the Mariners.

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Since it took the Nats to bring out Harden’s best start in almost a month, I wouldn’t go as far to say he’s back.

Edwin Encarnacion – HR yesterday.  Now has two homers in his last five games.  Might have 10 more homers in his bat for the rest of the season.  At corner, that’s ownable.

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You trusted him, he shit your house.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP, 0 ER, only two baserunners.  Considering most of you were in diapers when he started pitching, it’s pretty incredible what he’s doing now that he’s in diapers.

Dallas Braden – 5 IP, 6 ER.  You know when you have two or more mediocre starts going and there’s that one critical start that can make or break your whole staff’s night?  That was Braden on a few teams for me (as I had Wolf, Gaudin, Cook and Wandy also going).  With a good start, I could’ve went to respectability and a low 1 WHIP and a mid-2 ERA.  We might need a glossary term for that critical start.  I’ll open it up to the Razzpound for suggestions.

Ervin Santana – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 matchup with the A’s.  There’s worst fliers to take if Ervin’s healthy.  I can’t think of any right now because I’m on some serious cold medicine. (The flu in the summer sucks.  I blame the pierced, Goth kid who sneezed on me at Bruno.  Teach me to leave my office.  Seriously, if I’m dead by Sunday from The Swine, frequent commenter, Mr Baseball, may be doing your roundups.  You’ve been warned.)  I’d pickup Ervin for his next start vs. the Royals, but it’s risky until we see back-to-back quality starts.

Chad Gaudin/Aaron Cook – 11 IP, 2 ER, 16 Ks.  Doesn’t take a ‘pert to tell ya, start anyone in Petco, but Josh Geer.

Ichiro Suzuki – While in St. Louis, Ichiro went to visit the grave of George Sisler, whose single-season hit record Ichiro broke in 2004.  Jose Reyes should go visit the graves of all the fantasy baseball teams he killed this year.