Fantasy Baseball Advice

Randy Wells spells relief with D-R-O-P H-I-M.  3 2/3 IP, 3 ER in his previous start.  4 IP, 5 ER yesterday.  If this were an SAT question, the next game’s line in this series is 4 1/3 IP and 7 ER.  Four months of a 3 ERA is a good run, right?  Send him a postcard in March when he’s down in Arizona.  Or send him a basket of Port Wine cheese logs from Cracker Barrel.  Whatever.  He’ll forgive you for dropping him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m Rockwell, and I’m watching you.  Now punt Jackson.

Brett Tomko – Shut down for the season.  Who makes a deal with the devil for only three weeks?  I know Dorian Gray.  You, sir, are not him.

Willie Bloomquist – 4-for-5 yesterday and he’s hitting .500 over the last week.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he’s here.  You get the gist… Or is it the ‘quist?

Alex Gordon – 1-for-4, Now batting .205.  [sarcasm] Yeah, the Royals were totally wrong to hold him down in the minors for financial reasons.  He’s totally producing now. [/sarcasm]

Zach Greinke – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks.  Left the game with some swelling after a comebacker hit him on the elbow.  Word on the streets of Steve Balboni Blvd. is Greinke will be fine for his next start.

Miguel Olivo – Another homer yesterday.  Telling you right now, if you wait longer than a week.  He’ll be ice cold again.  He’s like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 30th homer yesterday.  I wonder if after the game he got an Olivo hug.  (<–It’s called a hunch!)

John Danks – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Danks’s win got ganked by a jenky Jenks.  Say that fast 5 times.  Actually, don’t.  It’s a waste of time.

Brandon Morrow – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  He’s walking too many and we (me and you… I’m actually sitting next to you — Hey!) don’t have time for him to correct himself.  He gets the Rays next, which isn’t an awful start, but it’s highly risky right now.

Wade Davis – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  This start and his last start (2 2/3 IP, 8 ER) epitomizes the rookie pitcher.  You like to ride the roller coaster, but sometimes you end up vomiting.

Shane Victorino – Speaking of vomiting, Victorino has food poisoning and will miss a day or two as he’s now, The Upchucking Hawaiian.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  This is a pretty comical set-up Manuel’s configured here.  If the Phils are up by three runs, they bring in Lidge for the save.  1 or 2 runs, it’s Madson.  That’s gotta be a nice confidence booster for Lidge.  You suck, but I trust you enough to not be totally sucky.

Chris Coghlan – 4-for-4, 1 Run.  If anyone can have a 4-for-4 with only 1 run and no steals or RBIs, it’s Coghlan.  He yawnstipates me pretty badly.

Rich Harden – Will have a start skipped for ineffectiveness rather than an injury.  This is an absolute first for Harden.  I mean, a missed start because of an injury is his Pass Line.

Carlos Zambrano – This doesn’t have a huge effect on fantasy baseball, but I found it slightly amusing.  The Cubs said they would try to trade Big Z in the offseason.  He said he would use his no-trade clause.  Now Carlos doesn’t necessarily strike me as someone that would be happy-happy-joy-joy if he were on another team, but I like that he doesn’t even want to try for happiness somewhere else.  I pitch poorly at home (almost a full run higher in Wrigley over three years), I attack the Gatorade bucket with my fisticuffs and I look downright miserable in just about every start, but, you know what?  I’m staying right here. I imagine Big Z reads a lot of Sylvia Plath.

Chad Qualls is probably done for the season.  The closer shituation isn’t going to be pretty in Arizona, unfortunately.  We’re looking at a closerousel.  I’d list the candidates in this order:  Juan Gutierrez, Clay Zavada, Esmerling Vasquez, Daniel Schlereth and Blaine Boyer.  Reading those names again, I vomited into a trash bin and the ghost of Hoyt Wilhelm materialized and said in a British accent, “Be careful, Grey.  Gutierrez is iffy at best and Zavada can’t see past his mustache when he pitches from the stretch.”  Because times are lean for saves in a few of my leagues, I’ll cop to grabbing the first two guys.  Careful about going with any of them if you don’t need saves.  But really, who doesn’t need saves?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – In America, everyone gets a 2nd chance — John Travolta, Michael Vick and the police officer from The Village People.  Maybe people get 2nd chances in Kathmandu.  I don’t know.  I’ve never heard anyone say, “Everyone gets a 2nd chance in Kathmandu.”  Krispie returns to the majors and should be play nearly every day.  What can we expect?  Nothing.  How’s that optimism?  But what can he do?  Well, he’s been hot in his recent Triple-A stint and he had a decent 2nd half last year.  Absolute ceiling of expectations would be 4 homers and 4 steals in September.  It’s not going to save your team, but it could help.

Scott Kazmir – In case you don’t have cable in your dungeon, Kazmir was traded to the Angels.  Maybe going out to Dave & Buster’s after every game, rather than Hooters will help focus Spazmir, but I have my doubts.  He’s been no joy to own thus far this year, and I’m skeptical that he suddenly will turn things around.

Andy Sonnanstine – He’ll get the call this Tuesday to replace Kazmir.  And, as you know, Tuesday is the new hump day.

Jake Peavy – His elbow had a “recurrence of tightness.”  Sounds like a bad Ashton Kutcher movie.  Oh, wait, they’re all bad.  Hey, look at me, I Twitter!  I’m Ashton Kutcher!  I’m in movies opposite Anne Heche! Sorry, I don’t like Kutcher.  So, Peavy’s having problems with his elbow… Well, I didn’t expect him to save many teams in September, but I did think he could be helpful.  Now, not so sure.  If you have no room on your DL, I’d consider dropping him.

Akinori Iwamura – HR yesterday.  Sitting under your MI trellis with Everth Cabrera, Gordon Beckham and Alexei Ramirez and Akinori walks up with a nice glass of iced tea.  Do you ask someone to get up so Aki can sit down?  Right now, Iwamura’s hitting at the bottom of the lineup, but that could change if he hits.  But really the best thing you can hope for from him is Runs and only if he’s at the top of the lineup.

Joba Chamberlain – 3 IP, 2 ER.  The Yankees said they were abandoning Joba Rules (skipping him).  But it seems like they’re just altering the rules to include starting him but then pulling him early in games (after 35 pitches on Sunday).  That does no one any good in fantasy.  Punt!

Jermaine Dye – HR yesterday as he went 2-for-11 over the weekend with one RBI.  I’m still fine with abandoning him.  Don’t look back in anger, Liam.

Matt Kemp – HR yesterday and recently he’s been batting in the top half of the lineup.  A commenter asked me if I would draft Sizemore or Kemp first in 2010.  At first I said Sizemore, but it’s very close and I could see February Grey changing his mind on that.  Kemp really has been that great this year.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  His run of quality starts continues.  I don’t play for Wins because they’re hard to predict, but I will say Arroyo has been miserably unlucky… Or maybe the Reds have just been miserably bad.  Either way, Arroyo’s not a great bet for wins, but he’s been solid in ratios.

Sean West – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Has a respectable ERA (4.22) but a terrible K/BB ratio (47/35).  He gets the Nationals and the Mets in his next two starts.  To some that may sound like the cat’s meow and the cat’s pajamas.  Well, I’m not a cat person.

Adrian Gonzalez – Sat out two straight days with a bicep(s?) injury.  He pinch hit though on Sunday so it shouldn’t be too serious.  I did enjoy seeing Oscar Salazar batting third yesterday.  He’s the 1st baseman; first basemen bat 3rd!  Bonkers, I tell ya.  Bonkers…  Oh, but it did work as Salazar went 3-for-4.  Inconceivable!

Feliz Pie – Has 3 homers in the last four games while batting near .400 over the last week.  That’s some tasty pee-ay.

Paul Byrd – 6 IP, 6 baserunners, 0 ER as he got the start for the Sawx.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  In other news, are you kidding me?!

Julio Borbon – Only got on base once and he stole a base.  Can someone conference call Alcides Escobar and Borbon so we can get Alcides running?  I’ll moderate/translate.  Anyone know how to say SAGNOF in Spanish?

Carlos Zambrano – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners.  This ain’t exactly like predicting in 1975 that OJ Simpson will one day kill his wife, but end up in prison for trying to steal his own memorabilia, but when you can’t get out of the 4th inning vs. the Mets something is not right.

Kendry Morales – 2-for-4 with his 30th homer yesterday.  He hits .311 on the year as he nears 100 RBIs.  Still, I get the feeling he might be underrated next year.

Zach Greinke – 1 hitter vs. the Mariners.  Hopefully, the BBWAA can skim their eyes to the right of his Win total.

Russell Branyan – Headed to the DL.  But, wait, who’s going to give me my 1-for-12 with a homer every third game?  Later, Branyan.  Way to regress to your subpar norm in the 2nd half.

Carlos Gonzalez – Returned with a stolen base.  Hopefully, CarGo can pick up where he left off before his steak and ail.

Eric Young, Jr. was in the September call up post, but it turns out he’s a preemie by a week.  Young has so many steals in the minors he’s worth a pickup in every league.  How many steals, you ask.  Well, I was getting there if you give me a second.  In the last four years of the minors, he has 87, 73, 46 and 58 steals, respectively.  Or disrespectfully, holy effin hey, are you kidding me?  In my never-ending rotation of schmohawks (thanks Beltran!), I dropped Alcides Escobar for Young in one league and chucked Drew Stubbs for him in another.  Will Young play every day?  Seems doubtful.  He has been playing in the outfield for at least a few days and will occasionally spell Barmes — B-A-R-M-E-S.  I think he’ll see four to five days a week, but for those needing steals, you know the drill.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Johan Santana – Done for the season.  This, and his lackluster (for him) season, might actually help Johan come at a discount in 2010 drafts.  I wouldn’t reach for him because I don’t believe in drafting pitchers early, but I could see him falling into the 5th or 6th rounds of early drafts.  The reason why I specify early is because once Johan looks good in spring training, he’ll bump up a round or two.  Then if Johan looks terrible in March, you’ll want to trade him for Nick Markakis.  Oh, and your fly’s open.  Don’t ask me how I know.

Billy Wagner – Headed to the Sox before The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard got him.  He’ll back up Papelbon and, as a commenter pointed out yesterday, hopefully he turns out better than The Gagne Experiment™ in 2007.

Hank Blalock – Will be a bench player and will be asked to perform Cole Porter’s Anything Goes.  This is good news for Chris Davis.  Now for Davis to do something with this vote of confidence.

Freddy Sanchez – Headed to the DL.  Postdate this next comment 2011:  The Giants trade for Sanchez will cost them dearly.

Jake Peavy – Doode just can’t win.  On the next to last batter in his last minor league start, he was hit on the elbow by a comebacker.  Cue Kudrow, “I did not need to see that!”  Now because of elbow soreness, he might not be able to pitch this Saturday vs. the Yanks.

Joba Chamberlain – 4 IP, 7 ER.  He’s going again on regular rest this Sunday vs. the Orioles, so I can kinda understand holding him until then, but he’s really unstartable.  Then, on top of that, he’s been skipped here and there.  Okay, he’s not unstartable; he’s unownable.

Jorge Posada – Hit his 16th homer yesterday.  I’m calling a bogey on February Grey who said Posada was done.  He obviously was not done.  Being wrong at catcher is the position to be wrong at, but nevertheless still wrong.

Robinson Cano – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Not wrong here, because in the preseason I put him in the “Good value before we get to total Crapolanco” Tier.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 2 baserunners, 0 ER in Atlanta.  I’m guessing a lot of people were sonavabenched on this one.

Jimmy Rollins – 2 HRs yesterday.  Coming up after the break, J. Rolled The Dorf.

Brad Lidge – No outs recorded, 3 earned.  Lidge has blown nine games this year, an 0-6 record and a 7.33 ERA.  If anyone happens to run into Lidge, give him my regards.  And, by regards, I mean the middle finger.  (BTW, On one team of mine, I had Lidge, Frank², Capps and Bell all give up runs and blow three saves.  Bad week to quit sniffing glue.)

Ryan Doumit – Obviously just needed the additional push of me putting him in Friday’s Sell.  He now has 2 homers in his last three games.

Travis Snider – Hit another homer yesterday and now two in three games.  I have an idea, stop Kemping him and move him up the order.

Carlos Pena – 2 HRs.  Six homers in the last week and a half.  On August 13th, I asked how many homers does Pena have left in his bat?  I gave the over/under of 13.  That means he has an over/under of 7 left.

Carlos Zambrano – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I admire Big Z for returning from the DL with a mustache, but this start did not make ’stached men proud.  No, sir.  Clay Zavada and I may need to have a word with him.

Josh Willingham – 4-for-4, 2 HRs, 5 Runs and 6 RBIs.  This is the total production of Jose Reyes’s 2009 season.

Zach Grienke – 8 IP, 2 ER, 15 Ks.  *speechless*

Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is only .08 away from Greinke.  Cust kayin’.

Bronson Arroyo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 Ks.  Continued his post-All-Star break march of excellence.  He’ll fool someone next March who thinks he’s going to be good in April, May and June.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with his 8th homer.  He left the game in the ninth and is day-to-day.  It’s nice and all that he’s hitting .319, but 6 steals on the year is not buttering the biscuit.

Delmon Young – 4-for-5 yesterday.  Wait, Delmon Young actually had a good game yesterday?  Glory be!  Only 18 months after predicted.

Howie Kendrick – HR yesterday as he started only his third game in the last week.  In some ways, I kinda understand what Scioscia is doing with Kendrick’s playing time.  I mean, everyone on the Angels is slap-hitting .300 right now.  He could run out there Dick Schofield and he’d hit .300.

Laynce Nix/Jayson Nix – 3 HRs combined yesterday.  Their older brother, Jaymes Nix got drunk.

Carlos Zambrano in his own special way welcomed the Cubs new arrival, Jake Fox, with a shizzfit of epic proportions.  Zambrano was ejected for bumping an ump,  I especially enjoyed when the ump ejected him and he then ejected the ump.  I’m out of order? No, YOU’RE out of order!  Somewhere Michael Barrett flinched.  Jake Fox can do it all. And, like Tyra Banks would say, he can do it fiercely.  His Triple-A numbers are 40/17/50/.423 in 40 games with a .503 OBP.  Pretty sick… And that’s sick as in healthy, not sick as in Conor Jackson, Carlos Quentin or Votto.  But will Fox get time to do any of it, you ask.  Let’s see, Soriano, Hoffpauir, Fuku, FU (Bradley), Derrek Lee and Reed Johnson in four spots.  Fox’s only shot for regular playing time is at 3B and there he’d be a butcher.  At 1B/OF, maybe he gets 3 starts a week unless D-Lee gets hurt.  Though you can call D-Lee “DL” at this point, because he’s been about as reliable as a parachute made of bloomers.  As with other rookies, if Fox gets the chance, he could prove successful, so you want to be the one that owns him.  If he fails, then you drop him and take a bat to the Gatorade cooler.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Manny Parra – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners and 5 walks with 6 Ks.  Unfortunately, this is what Parra do.  Until he can get his walks in order, he’s not worth the psoriasis-inducing head scratching.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5.  Hey, look who decided to make an appearance.  He’ll hit .250 and get 20+ homers.  If that’s what you need, that’s what he does.

Matt Capps – Said to be returning soon.  Be nice to get one save for all the effort I put in to pick up Grabow in every league.  Throw Grey a bone here, would ya?

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3.  Sticking with the Mat theme, but dropping one T like a bad geisha.  Gamel’s 3rd base eligibility made him especially enticing to me as a cornerman.  But he’s now making me long for Mark Teahen.

Luke Scott – Returned from the DL and hit a HR.  He’ll steal time from Wigginton, which is ironic because they’re basically the same player.  It would be like Mark Reynolds losing time to Chris Davis.  Tomato-tomahto, Orioles.  Find a blahtoon that makes sense to me then we’ll talk.

Nolan Reimold – Game winning homer yesterday.  See, Gamel, that’s how you turn lemons into Country Time.

Brett Myers – Left the game with his hip to be flared.  Again, he really shouldn’t even be on your team.  To avoid future flare-ups, he promises to wear the proper gear when disagreeing with his wife.

Jay Bruce – 2 HRs.  Now has 14 homers and only 29 RBIs.  Sure would be nice if the Reds put some runners on for him.  Maybe Dizzy Votto and his maritime compatriots can get aboard.

B.J. Ryan – For those holding out hope he’s taking over for Downs any moment, he’s given up 4 runs in the last 2 innings.  The Blue Jays are paying him a lot of money so they feel compelled to play him.  You shouldn’t.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER.  His lack of Ks leaves me wanting more, but he’s obviously been decent.  And his last name sounds like a delicious pasta sauce!

Josh Anderson – 4-for-5 while batting lead-off and stealing his 10th base.  SAGNOF!

Oliver Perez – Jerry Manuel said, Perez will need to be in the minors for at least another start because of “knee problems.” Jerry Manuel needs a bar of soap for some “lying problems.”

Adam Dunn – Hit another HR.  Since I traded him for Jose Reyes, he’s hit about five dozen home runs.  Kill me now.  Thank you.

Derek Holland – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Was a terrible matchup, and he gets the Yankees again next time out.

Chien-Ming Wang – Well, lookie-lookie.  2 IP, 2 Ks and zero baserunners.   Now let’s see you do it when you don’t have a seven run lead.

Elvis Andrus – I feel like I haven’t mentioned this enough, but where’s the effin’ steals, doode?  6 steals so far is not enough.  Let’s go, Elvis, boogie.

Kevin Slowey – I don’t own him in any league, but I gladly would.  I like Slowey a lot.  But because I don’t own him, I had no idea of something… He’s got 7 Wins?!  When did this happen?  Some of my teams don’t have 7 Wins.  Why am I fielding questions about whether to start this guy or not (when I invariably say start him)?  He’s 7-1 with a near-4 ERA.   Yeah, I’d start him.

Jered Weaver – Here’s another guy I feel like I keep answering questions about.  He has a 2.36 ERA.  For criminy sakes, start him.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 18th homer yesterday.  Could this be the year we see a 40 homer guy call Petco home? (<–Sounds like something Tim Kurkjian would say while his voice squeaked.)

Bronson Arroyo – Now leads the NL with seven wins.  After the game he played on his guitar his new tune, “I May Suck, But My Wins Say It Ain’t True.”  Actually, pretty catchy.

Randy Johnson – Goes for win number 300 next week against the Nationals.  After he wins that game, I imagine he’ll say something like, “I could’ve won 500 games if they were all this easy.”

Jesse Chavez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Somebody got burned yesterday chasing Saves.  A’la Nelson Muntz, ha ha!

Joe Nelson – 2 IP, 4 ER.  See 1/8 of an inch above.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, and a steal.  Even if you just own him while Reyes gets better, it’s something, no?

Ben Francisco – 3-for-5 with a homer.  He’s 8-for-9 with 5 homers against Andy Sonnanstine.  Maybe he can get glasses made that superimpose Sonnanstine’s jersey on every pitcher.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 11th homer yesterday.  In the offseason of 2010, you’ll be looking at first basemen and you’ll think you should draft Branyan because he had 30 homers in 2009.  No, you shouldn’t.  But you can own him this year.

Adam Kennedy – 0-for-8 in the last two days.  He was hot for about a week, then he remembered who he was.  So my question is, who told my Reyes fill-in that he’s just Adam Kennedy?  I had a good thing going, man!

Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-5, Just doing a friendly check-in on our favorite April 7th pickup.

Dan Uggla – HR yesterday and 5 homers in the last 10 games.  Not hitting for much average, but you didn’t expect him to do that anyway.

David Ortiz – Hit sixth again.  You know what’s been under reported in all of this?  Who’s now hitting third… J.D. Drew.  Zoinks!

Khalil Greene – It’s been a bad year for the Silent H’s as Khalil heads to the DL with anxiety disorder.  If there’s a bright side to this sad, sad story, maybe the anxiety will cause his ugly-ass hair to fall out.

Carlos Zambrano has managed to win 13 or more games for 6 straight years.  It wasn’t easy.  He had to get through a Sweatshop Foreman in Dusty Baker and a pitcher hater in Lou Piniella.  He’s managed 17 HRs in his career and has almost hit his weight (.240).  But, for some reason, he decides to lay down a bunt single and strains his hamstring trying to beat it out.  Somewhere Michael Barrett chuckles.  This sucks if you’re a Zambrano owner but doesn’t do much to change his value.  He’ll miss 3-4 starts and come back to pitch at about 4.00 ERA, solid Ks, and a Win every other start.  That’s assuming, though, he stops trying to emulate Juan Pierre.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Walked in a run in the 1st.  There’s got to be a direct correlation between pitchers walking in a run and how undesirable they are for fantasy.  Maybe we can get Rudy to draw up a chart.

Alex Rodriguez – Farted yesterday.  Big news!

Alex Gonzalez – Headed to the DL.  Hey, who’s going to hit .220 while he’s out?  Don’t worry, the Red have Paul Janish and Jerry Hairston Jr.

Chris Iannetta – Hit his 5th home run yesterday and collected 4 RBIs to bring his total to 10.  John Baker has 2 home runs and 10 RBIs.  You’d swear all the questions I answer about these two schmohawks that one was remarkably better.   Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Iannetta will have 17-20 HRs by September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.

Mike Napoli – 4-for-4 yesterday.  Hey, it’s the other catcher that works his way into every “Baker or Napoli or Iannetta” question.  Pick one then let them be.  Please.  You’re going to leave a scar.

Brandon League – Got the save opp because Downs had worked three straight games and League gave up three runs.  Mad Libs, The Pun Edition: Out of His ________.

Matt LaPorta – HR yesterday.  After the game he said, “I’m this year’s Bruce.  Now… let’s dance!”

Andy LaRoche – Hit his first home run yesterday as he hits .253 on the season.  After the game he said, “Adam went off-book.  We’re a 2nd half family.”

Eric Stults – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  You know who really appreciated this performance?  Peter Bogdanovich.

Javier Vazquez – No one pitches better for five-sixths of a game than Vazquez.

Andrew Bailey – There’s some rumblings up in Bub Rub country that he might be moving in on Ziegler territory.

Nick Markakis – Hit his 4th homer yesterday with 3 RBIs to bring his total to 27 as he bats .370.  I am Sparkakis!

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 Ks.   Sounds like the line every pitcher should expect coming out of a game with the Rangers.

Fausto Carmona – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER.   Yeah, I’m glad I dumped this knucklehead.  Good luck to you, Carmona.  Don’t write.

Kyle Lohse – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Hope who ever had him in April heeded my advice to loshe him.

Franklin Gutierrez – 3-for-4 as The Big FraGu goes yard!

Russell Branyan – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  When I say cheap, you say power… Cheap… Power… Cheap… You got it.

Matt Capps – Came in to save a 4-3 game and left down 7-4 after a sac fly and 3-run gopherball to Rickie Weeks.  So what happened to the Pirates’ Jolly Roger tonight?  Cappsized!  On a less snarky note, that’s three straight outings where he’s given up a run.  And he’s given up 6 runs and 9 hits in his last 2 innings pitched.  Pittsburgh doesn’t have a better option but John Grabow might be worth handcuffing at this point.

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 5 ER. Pulled his best Javier Vazquez impersonation as he was great through six innings then was roughed up when he went back for the 7th.

Jon Lester – 7 IP and 10 Ks.  With 33 K and 10 BB, he’s a solid buy low candidate given his 5.00+ ERA.  Just realize he comes with some risk given he threw a zillion pitches last year.

Phil Hughes – Not a great start.  Maybe because it was a chilly, rainy night.  Too early to give up on him.  Sorry, I know everyone’s dying to drop him for Eric Stults now that Juliette Lewis has left him.  (Razzball:  Perez Hilton’s Favorite Fantasy Baseball Site!)

Jose Reyes – Right now, he’s at 10/1/8/.257 with 5 SBs.  That’s looking pretty crappy when Bobby Abreu has 11 SBs and guys are stealing 5 bases in a day.

Rick Ankiel – Tripped and went head first into the outfield fence.  We’re rooting for you buddy. (And, note, we don’t have him on any team.  We’re not THAT callous).

Huston Street – 1-2-3 inning for his 3rd save.  That’s 5 straight outings without a run.  And rumors are circulating that Manny Corpas might get send down.  The Colorado closer situation has been settled once and for all for the next 2 weeks until Street gets hurt.

Zack Greinke – Another shutout.  The trick?  He gets dressed in the Visitors’ locker room.

Francisco Liriano – Won his first game of the year – after losing his first 4 – with 9 Ks in 7 IP against Detroit.  Anyone that bet on him going 0-33 should be feeling mighty stupid.

Dexter Fowler – 0-for-3, 1 caught stealing.  Hey, when does Chris Young pitch again?

Chris Davis/Mark Reynolds – Homers 6 and 7 yesterday, respectively.  We got a hot one, America!

John Maine – Evened up his record to 2-2 after giving up only 3 hits in 6 IP with 7 Ks.  Yeah, that’s the good part.  Did we mention 3 ER and 6 BBs?  We own him, but that doesn’t mean we have to like him.  It could be worse I guess (we’re looking at you, Oliver Perez).

Mark Teixeira – HRs from both sides of the plate.  Let’s check the calendar.  It’s now May.  Yup, makes sense.  Time for Marco Scutaro to suck now.

Ryan Zimmerman – 4-for-4, 22 game hit streak.  First slow-starter Adam LaRoche has a great April with little brother Andy at the other corner.  Now Ryan Zimmerman starts hitting like crazy when Jordan “Two-N” Zimmermann was called up.  So don’t be surprised if the Red Sox sign Russ Ortiz.