The Brain Freezes lived up to their names last month. With Jenks, Hoffman, Gregg, Dotel, Lidge, Funklin Morales, Qualls, Perez, Wood and Simon all putting dry ice on your fantasy baseball team and then shattering it. No one ever said owning Brain Freezes would be easy, but does it have to be this hard? Can’t I just Ron Popeil my Jenkses and Hoffmen and let them be? No, of course, I can’t. It would be too easy. I come from the school that if a guy has a chance to earn even one save, I’ll own them. Sometimes this yields 6 saves from Alfredo Simon, other times this yields 12 earned runs in a third of an inning from Will Ohman. (It’ll happen, don’t you worry about that.) So they may give you an ulcer, but I’d own them. Brain Freezes are the nuts and sometimes they crack. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (Hong-Chih Kuo, Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill) 2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Joba Chamberlain, Damaso Marte) 3. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard, Hideki Okajima) 4. Carlos Marmol (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Joakim Soria (Kyle Farnsworth, Josh Rupe) 6. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Jenrry Mejia) 7. Heath Bell (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson) 8. Jose Valverde (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry) 9. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Dan Runzler) 10. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour) 11. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler) 12. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte) 13. Billy Wagner (Takashi Saito, Peter Moylan) 14. Francisco Cordero (-3) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset) 15.Jon Rauch (Matt Guerrier, Jesse Crain) 16. David Aardsma (-5) (Brandon League, Shawn Kelley) 17. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Brian Sanches) 18. Brian Fuentes (-1) (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields) 19.Matt Capps (Tyler Clippard, Drew Storen) 20. Matt Lindstrom (Brandon Lyon, Jeff Fulchino)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Chad Qualls– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit LaRoche in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
21. Neftali Feliz (+7) (Frank Francisco, Chris Ray) 22. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Evan Meek, Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan) 23. Manny Corpas (+3) (Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street) 24. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs) 25. Bobby Jenks (-3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz) 26. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Rafael Perez) 27. Chad Qualls (Aaron Heilman, Juan Gutierrez) 28. Jose Contreras/Brad Lidge (-2) (Danys Baez, Chad Durbin) 29. John Axford (-7) (Trevor Hoffman, Carlos Villanueva, Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins, Polish Sausage Mascot) 30. Will Ohman (Frank Mata, Alfredo Simon, Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez, Cal Ripken Jr., Cal Ripken Jr. Jr.)
It seems like every year around this time I make Mark Teixeira a prime breakout candidate. Why can’t he hit in April? Does he need mittens? His last three Aprils have produced a .245 average and 9 homers in 261 ABs. No other month is close to that bad. Last year, he got it going in May. The year before he waited until June. At some point, he’s always turns on the heat. His park is terrific, his lineup equally so. He’s always healthy, his HR/FB and BABIP are both low for him. Yadda3. There’s no reason to think there won’t be a turn around, bright eyes. PABST stands for Post All-Star Break Stats Teixeira. As in, drink it up, cause that’s all you’re getting, you lush. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Luke Scott – Great Scott? Hmm… Seems to be too much hyperbole. How about Like Luke? Yeah, that works better even if it’s not quite as exciting. You won’t want Luke Scott for longer than another week or two. He is this week’s random outfielder that can give you power for a few days/week.
Nate McLouth – Pretend this blurb is written in off-white, since this is a very faint Buy.
Jonny Gomes – Jonny Bat could be a longer term pickup than Luke Scott, but probably not by much. Whatever though, he’s hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers.
Brennan Boesch – Doesn’t he sound like a proprietor of a German pub? Maybe he’s married to St. Pauli’s Girl. Either hoo, he has an opening for everyday playing time and he’s hitting. Had solid power in the minors. Don’t sleep on Boesch! (Because it’ll probably be uncomfortable. Seriously, man, get a cot.)
Corey Hart – One of the few hitters on this list that could have value for longer than a few weeks. If Hart gets back to the 20/20 guy he was not that long ago, he’s ownable everywhere.
Corey Patterson – Sticking with the Corey theme, Patterson is the leadoff hitter and… Yeah, it’s hard for me to muster too much enthusiasm for him. Steals are a bit all I’d expect, so SAGNOF on that.
Jason Donald – I wonder if he’s related to Donald Faison… Eh, probably not. Donald won’t wow you with anything unless he gets hot. He could stay at the top of the order though, so you might get Runs. Then again, it’s the Indians. Yeah, this is a lukewarm Buy.
Francisco Cervelli – The Great Gazoo! If you don’t know what that reference is referring to, you really gotta see this guy at bat. Holy crap, he’s the splitting image. Or is it spitting image? That always trips me up. Cervelli will give you average while he’s hitting. May not last for long, but it only needs to last for another month while Posada’s foot heals.
Freddy Sanchez – Lord knows the Giants equipment manager is rooting for him so the work he did on the initials on Jonathan Sanchez’s jersey wasn’t for nothing. That’s-a-my best jay period ever! Yes, the Giants equipment manager is an Old World Italian. Sanchez can give you average, it’s a’ight.
Ian Kennedy – On April 9th, in the 2nd Buy/Sell of the season, I told you to buy Kennedy. He’s now up to 23% owned in ESPN. Even assuming 60% of ESPN leagues are already abandoned, that’s poor. Give me your password and I’ll pickup Kennedy for you.
Kris Medlen – You’ve heard me tout him before, I don’t want your ears to bleed.
Chris Perez – We ain’t done with you yet, Mullet Man.
Aaron Heilman – I don’t think Heilman’s really that good, but, as of right now, he might be the tallest midget in the pen.
Carlos Villanueva – SAGNOF! Todd Coffey, same shizz, different player. I even grabbed LaTroy Hawkins in one league to stash on my DL, but he is a Cuddle Boy, so his rosterable time may be limited because he could desTroy your ratios.
SELL
Aroldis Chapman – So far in Triple-A, he’s sporting a 1.63 WHIP, walking guys and now has a blister. He’s only 22 and as I said in the comments the other day, “I heard (Aroldis) compared to Randy Johnson and that seems apt. It’s both a compliment and an insult. As we learned last week, Johnson was wild as any turkey ever was.” And that’s me cutting and pasting me! I wouldn’t drop Aroldis, but I would look at trading him, since sources are now saying he may not come up in June. Must be important otherwise why would sources bother talking about him? There’s so many other things sources could talk about like Sandra Bullock’s divorce, the BP oil spill, the upcoming Biggest Loser finale… Speaking of which, I have a theory about The Biggest Loser. Because it doesn’t work into the inspiration story the producers are trying to tell, they never mention the obscene amounts of sex going on in the house. Think about it, for so long these women didn’t want anyone to see how they looked and God forbid anyone were to touch them. Now, they’re feeling sexy, confident and horny. I lost 7 pounds this week, let’s have an orgy on the rowing machine! It’s like Hedonism for fat people.
Jose Bautista – He’s hitting .242 with 12 homers. So let’s be realistic, do you think he’ll continue to hit homers at a 20% HR/FB clip and surpass his previous career high in homers by, say, 25? Or do you think he’ll go homeless man cold and be droppable in another month? I usually say don’t trade for closers, but I’d take just about any closer in a trade for Bautista.
Alex Gonzalez – Hey, I’m like a housewife because I’m hating on the BJ’s. Honestly, not sure what you can even get for this poor man’s A-Gon, but he hit .289 in April and .240 so far in May. In April, he hit 7 homers; in May, he hit 3. May is way more in line with what you should expect going forward.
Justin Morneau – I know, he’s the cornerstone of your offense and you kinda want to strangle me now that I’ve said Morneau is a sell. WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY, GREY?! Sorry, Mr. Caps, it’s not my intention. OH, NO WORRIES THEN. Morneau’s BABIP is only surpassed by Kearns and Austin Jackson. And you should know how I feel about those two schmohawks. Morneau’s HR/FB is pretty far above his career norm too. Then you throw in Morneau’s wonky back and you have a recipe for a huge fall in value sometime soon. May not be tomorrow, may not be next week, but change will come, nephew. I wouldn’t sell Morneau for a bag of Funyuns, but I’d listen to offers.
Tommy Hanson‘s line yesterday was one and two-thirds innings and eight earned runs. Yes, you’ve been Pwnson’d. Hanson said he felt dizzy during the game, I’m sure his owners can sympathize. Hanson has an ERA of 4.18 on the year and back to back bad starts. Try and put a pine tree air freshener on that and it still stinks. Going into this year, I steered clear of Hanson. I was legitimately worried about his innings pitched jump from ’08 to ’09. So sell fast right now? Not so fast, Paulo. I’m going under the assumption that you don’t own him because you listened to me in the preseason. Hanson has a tremendous K-rate and his walks have been fine. Even yesterday it was an ill-timed homer to Votto that did him in. Do I think Hanson could still be a risk because of his innings last year? Yup, you betcha. But I’d buy him for 50 cents on the dollar. It depends how cheap you can swindle his dramatized owner. It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bed wetter. Anyway, here’s what else saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brooks Conrad – If you didn’t see the end of the Braves game, you should try to catch the Brooks Conrad homer. Unlike Nix.
Joey Votto – Hit his 10th homer, a grand slam, and now bats .311 on the year. Someone asked me yesterday if I thought Votto could keep up his current hitting. I got flummoxed. “You flummoxed me, you, ” says nerdy Robert De Niro. Votto and Longoria? Legit 1st round guys next year. No foolin’, gee.
Jacoby Ellsbury – Should return this weekend. I’m pessimistic about how well he’s going to be on his return, but I guess if he’s up to playing again it means he’s capable of stealing bases.
Adrian Beltre – Hit his 3rd homer last night. After hitting only 8 homers last year, people were saying his move to Boston would fix all of that. So far, they’re right. He’s now on pace for 12 homers. Drop the confetti.
Mike Cameron – About a week away from returning to the Sawx. He’s the type of player you add and drop about three dozen times throughout the season. If you can keep Mike Cameron on your team the whole year, you’re just trying to prove a point to me.
Derrek Lee – Hit his fifth homer yesterday. Was around this time last year when he went on a tear. Not saying it’s happening again, but, well, maybe I am. Okay, I am saying it’s happening again… Actually, I’m not saying that. But maybe. Sorry, was just having some hedge fun.
Jose Contreras – Notched his 2nd save, now has a 0.63 ERA. True fact, his ERA and his age are the same number.
Luke Hochevar - 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Indians offense. Offensive is more like it. You can’t even pronounce Hochevar’s name, keep it that way. Don’t get caught in the Hochevar trap. Next start, he will drop bombs on your head.
Alberto Callaspo – Hit his 7th homer yesterday. Has minimal speed and a decent average. If this were fantasy baseball charades, you’d point at Callaspo and say, “Ooh, I know! He’s Yunel Escobar!”
Carlos Villanueva – Threw a perfect inning as he recorded his first save. I wouldn’t drop Hoffman yet, but it could be a while before we see Hoffman again closing games.
Jonathan Lucroy – Gregg Zaun was injured in the game yesterday and there’s speculation the Brewers might call up Lucroy. Let’s see what Stephen said in the Brewers Minor League Review, “(Lucroy’s) plate discipline was impressive…. The GB, LD and FB rates correspond well to developing and continuing power trends towards high teen power potential… One thing to note, his OPS has decreased at promotion besides Rookie Ball to Class-A… And I once ate twelve hundred broccoli florets.” Oh-kay. Lucroy probably will be used as a backup since he’s still a bit raw. He probably won’t matter until next year at the earliest. George Kottaras will take over full-time duty. He’s not the dad from Webster.
Russell Branyan – 0-for-13 since his last homer. Sometimes a guy hit two homers in a game and he goes on a tear. Other times, a guy hits two homers in a game and that’s it. Branyan seems to fall in the latter camp. The latter, get off my team camp.
Trevor Crowe – No disrespect to the Trevor Crowe, Jason Donald, Hafner, Peralta, Branyan, LaPorta, Valbuena and Marson families, but these guys are egregious. Indians mascot, Chief Wahoo, is the crying Native American in that 70′s littering commercial.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4 with his third steal. He’s batting .300 on the year. I swear to you, his .300 average made me do a double take. How has he been so yawstipating and he’s hitting .300? Maybe it’s the 16 RBIs. Or the 4 homers. Or the 3 steals. Okay, guess I answered my own question.
Brian Matusz – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER as he roofied his owners.
Luke Scott – 3-for-4 with an RBI. Now batting, like, .700 in the last week. It’s not going to last forever. Get in now.
Brett Anderson – Hoping to start his rehab stint on Monday. He better do some heavy drinking this weekend…. Lose it on ‘ludes is what I say! Eat the worm!!! Oh, that rehab.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his first homer of the year. Here I thought the ‘Brist had the mohel cut off all of his power. It’s still early enough that if Zobrist goes on a five homer tear over the next week or so, he’d be right about where you’d want him at this point. That’s assuming he goes on that tear.
James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks and now has a 3.08 ERA on the year. I’m sorry the rest of you had to get involved in this; he’s just doing this to get even with me.
Juan Miranda – Hit his 2nd homer in the last three games. He’s got power, maybe he’s channeling The Spirit of Kevin Maas.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with 3 RBIs as he had his biggest game of the season. I wish I were being sarcastic.
Jake Peavy – 6 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks. The good news is he gets the Indians in his next start and about every third start after that because of the unbalanced schedule.
Jason Vargas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. This is the kind of performance that elicits comments like this, “You can’t deny Vargas, Grey. He’s figured it out! Bask in his Vargasness, or do you fear the Vargas. Is that problem? Thank you, I’ll await your answer.” Yes, the glass is half-filled with Vargas. Here’s the deal, there’s a lot of pitchers that could be absolutely fine, but that doesn’t mean I’m owning them. There’s too many pitchers out there for me to sic Chompers on Vargas if I’m not feeling him. Could Vargas be okay? Eh, sure. He’s also been lucky — dancing between raindrops, pitches for a team with one of the worst offenses and he’s in the AL. It’s passable for me.
Erik Bedard – Word out of the Pacific Northwest is Bedard won’t be back until at least late June. Wait, there’s a phone call for me. Hey, June, what’s up? Bedard is due for a setback and won’t return until late July? Thanks, June!
Brandon Webb – Changing his arm slot after a visit from Dr. Freeze. I really hope he returns pitching like Brad Ziegler.
Aaron Heilman – Here’s the thing, and, yes, there is a thing. If you want to instill confidence in a new closer, you don’t remove the guy with two outs in the ninth inning with Juan Uribe coming up to bat. Should’ve let Heilman finish the game. Either hoo, Qualls got the save, but that doesn’t mean Heilman won’t get the save at some point this weekend.
Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Now here’s a pitcher I can get behind. He has 64 Ks in 63 innings. ‘Nuff said. Okay, I’ll give you some more. His WHIP is 1.13. BAA is .206. Halladay who? Okay, maybe not yet, but Romero’s emerging. A’la George Costanza, “EMERGING!”
Jose Bautista – Hit his 12th homer yesterday. Of course he did! Why wouldn’t he? There was a game, wasn’t there? He’ll be in the Buy/Sell this afternoon, or as I like to call it, “In three hours so I better start writing.”
Kevin Gregg – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and the blown save. Was inevitable, wasn’t it? Gregg is the type of closer to blow three games in a row and lose the job by next Friday. This could be the beginning of the end. I grabbed Frasor wherever I could, just to be safe.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 Walks, 4 Ks vs. the Astros. Not fair. Now has an ERA of 0.99 on the year. He left the game with a hammy issue, but it’s not supposed to be a problem going forward. Ubaldo eats hammys for breakfast.
Jeremy Bonderman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. I wouldn’t own him in an AL-Only league.
Manny Ramirez – Missed two straight games because he accidentally kicked a table and banged his toe. Here’s what I think happened. Casey Blake, pulling a goof on Manny, painted a table to look like a soccer ball and Manny kicked it.
Kyle Blanks - To the Disgraceful List with something-or-other. He’ll miss at least two weeks. On the bright side, David Eckstein no longer has to ride to Petco in the trunk.
John Maine – Was pulled from the game after one batter because he wasn’t breaking 85 MPH on the radar gun. I see, the Mets have given up on the pennant race and are now trying to win a jumbo SpongeBob SquarePants at a carnival.
In this month’s closer look, let’s discuss trading for closers. Now before people think my battleship has sunk, I’m not saying to pay top dollar for closers. But with us heading into July, it should be pretty clear how badly you need saves. Luckily, saves are one of the categories (steals are another) where you can make up ground quickfast. If you’re ten or more saves behind a pack of people and can gain three or more points with an additional closer or two, then you should be thinking about trading for a couple. I’d look to trade one player from your strengths for two closers. Think Shields for two donkey-corns. Or a donkey-corn and a brain freeze. It really depends on your strengths and weaknesses. And since saves do come in bunches, if you’re finding yourself picking up plenty of ground in saves, then in August, you can trade away a closer or two for a different piece. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Jonathan Broxton (Ronald Belisario, Ramon Troncoso, Cory Wade) 2. Francisco Rodriguez (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell) 3.Joe Nathan (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares) 4.Jonathan Papelbon (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)
Donkey-corns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.
5. Heath Bell (Edward Mujica) 6. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Brian Bruney, Alfredo Aceves) 7. Bobby Jenks (-1) (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink) 8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset) 9. Brian Fuentes (+2) (Darren Oliver, Justin Speier) 10. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes) 11. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Brad Ziegler, Michael Wuertz, Santiago Casilla) 12. David Aardsma (+12) (Sean White, Mark Lowe, Chad Cordero) 13. Brian Wilson (+2) (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry) 14.Huston Street (+6) (Joel Peralta, Manny Corpas) 15. Kevin Gregg (-1) (Carlos Marmol) 16. Fernando Rodney (+2) (Joel Zumaya, Bobby Seay) 17. George Sherrill (+5) (Jim Johnson, Danys Baez, Chris Ray) 18. Brad Lidge (-8) (Ryan Madson) 19. Mike Gonzalez (-2) (Rafael Soriano) 20. Jose Valverde (+8) (LaTroy Hawkins, Chris Sampson) 21. Joakim Soria (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright, Kyle Farnsworth) 22. J.P. Howell (+8) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
23. Trevor Hoffman(-1) (Carlos Villanueva,Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter) 24. Frank Francisco (-14) (C.J. Wilson) 25. Kerry Wood (-8) (Chris Perez, Rafael Betancourt) 26. Matt Capps (-2) (John Grabow, Jesse Chavez, Sean Burnett) 27. Jason Frasor (-8) (Scott Downs, B.J. Ryan) 28. Chad Qualls (-15) (Tony Pena, Clay Zavada, Jon Rauch) 29. Mike MacDougal (Joe Beimel, Julian Tavarez) 30. Leo Nunez (-4) (Dan Meyer, Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Waco My Airplane)
In this month’s closer look, let’s discuss the value of middle relievers. I’m a big Mr. B. Depending on the team, I have various combinations of MRs. On one team, I have C.J. Wilson still. (Notched a Save and a Win in a doubleheader the other day — natch!) On another team, I’m rocking Dan Meyer. On another, Rafael Soriano. Besides having a guy that could take over the closing duties, middle relievers help lower your starters’ ratios. Mark DiFelice + James Shields = 7-4/3.01/1.15/74 or Jake Peavy, 5-5/3.67/1.13/84. That’s right, the Frankenpitcher of Jark DiShields is beating the pure breed Jake Peavy. So how’s dem apples? Delicious! Now in some cases, you just can’t hold a MR. Whether you’re besieged by injuries, need to handcuff one of your closers or need a bench hitter, sometimes it’s just not feasible. As much as I like MRs, they are invariably the first ones I drop on my teams when I need help somewhere else. Luckily, there’s always one available on waivers. If it’s not Jark DiShields, you can own Kiko Garzero or C.J. Wolfson. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Jonathan Broxton (+3) (Ronald Belisario, Cory Wade) 2. Francisco Rodriguez (+2) (J.J. Putz) 3.Joe Nathan (-2) (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares) 4.Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Takashi Saito, Manny Delcarmen, Hideki Okajima)
Donkey-corns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.
5. Heath Bell (+3) (Greg Burke, Edward Mujica, Luke Gregerson) 6. Bobby Jenks (-1) (Octavio Dotel, Matt Thornton, Scott Linebrink) 7. Mariano Rivera (Alfredo Aceves, Brian Bruney, Damaso Marte) 8. Francisco Cordero (+3) (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset) 9. Frank Francisco (C.J. Wilson) 10. Brad Lidge (-4) (Ryan Madson) 11. Brian Fuentes (+1) (Jose Arredondo, Scot Shields) 12. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Chris Perez, Kyle McClellan) 13. Chad Qualls (-3) (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Clay Zavada) 14.Kevin Gregg (Carlos Marmol) 15. Brian Wilson (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry) 16. Kerry Wood (-3) (Jensen Lewis, Rafael Perez, Rafael Betancourt) 17. Mike Gonzalez (Rafael Soriano) 18. Fernando Rodney (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry, Brandon Lyon) 19. Scott Downs (+7) (B.J. Ryan, Jason Frasor)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
20. Huston Street (+2) (Manny Corpas) 21. Trevor Hoffman(Carlos Villanueva,Todd Coffey, Mark DiFelice) 22. George Sherrill (+7) (Jim Johnson, Danys, Baez, Chris Ray) 23. Matt Capps (-3) (John Grabow, Jesse Chavez, Tyler Yates) 24. David Aardsma (Brandon Morrow,Miguel Batista, Chad Cordero) 25. Joakim Soria (+3) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright, Kyle Farnsworth) 26. Matt Lindstrom (-7) (Leo Nunez, Kiko Calero, Dan Meyer) 27. Andrew Bailey (Brad Ziegler, Michael Wuertz, Santiago Casilla) 28. LaTroy Hawkins (-3) (Jose Valverde) 29. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Kip Wells, Julian Tavarez) 30. J.P. Wheelfourson (-7) (Randy Choate, The Amazing Rando, Randy Jackson)
