Fantasy Baseball Advice

You know what they call three 4-baggers in New York?  An A-Rod post-game party.  It’s a good thing Clorox is headquartered in Oakland because Billy Beane is going to want to rinse his eyes with bleach after this game.   Russell Martin went 5-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and 2 homers (one grand slam), Grandy hit a grannie going 2-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and Cano added in one of his own with 5 RBIs.  A video of this game should be shown next time the issue of a salary cap comes up at the Winter Meetings.  Russell Martin has 17 homers on the year.  Even if all of them were Pesci Pole assisted, it would still be a solid year.  Then throw in 8 steals and decent runs and RBIs, and it’s no wonder Alyssa Milano fields his fly balls.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jim Thome – Luckily, he got to enjoy his 600th home run on the Twins.  What an event!  Was like Geraldo Rivera finding a second bottle of whiskey.  Thome continues his ride on the casino bus to the Indians.  How appropriate.  To continue the gambling comparison, right now the Indians are like the guy at the ATM taking out money he doesn’t have to double down on the Pass Line at a cold craps table.  Hey, Indians, it was a good run, but you’re throwing good money after bad.  Go grab a $9.99 steak dinner and bark obscenities at tourists.  You’re not making the playoffs anymore.  Thome’s not changing that.  As for fantasy, Thome gives the occasional homer, not much else.  Um, okay.

Francisco Liriano – Headed to the Disgraceful List for the 2nd time this year.  To keep this PG-13, thanks for ruining my fantasy teams this year, you fargin’ icehole.  I will forever refrain-cisco.

Jemile Weeks – 3-for-5, 2 steals.  He’s struggled a bit recently with his bat, but he’s still capable of the steals so if you need that I’d hold tight.

Scott Sizemore – 4-for-4 on Wednesday and a homer yesterday.  I’d say he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t be.

Rich Harden – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Ks are there but the up and down starts make me want to avoid him.  Speaking of up and down, I told Rudy he should give a listen to the Kanye/Jay-Z song, “Otis,” and he asked why they wrote a song about the inventor of the elevator.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This comes after a 4 IP, 5 ER start against the Braves.  The potential for Ks is there, so is the potential to get roofied.

Brian McCann – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  After me ranking him in the preseason as the number one catcher for three years, it looks like he’s finally made good.  Sometimes I’m just too prescient (Word of the Day!) for my own good.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  Maybe I’m greedy, but when a guy like Bourn gets four hits and no steals, I can’t helped feel a wee bit gypped.  My apologies to all of our gypsy readers.

Brandon Beachy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  3.31 ERA, 1.15 WHIP and 128 Ks in 114 1/3 IP.  I told everyone to grab him in every league, to toot my own horn (though if I could actually toot my own horn, I wouldn’t have time for fantasy baseball).

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Now has 29 homers on the year with a .220 average.  If Mini Donkey could just get his average up to the .250 range, he’d be a thing of beauty.  But I guess that’s always been the Reynolds rap.

Ryan Adams – 4 for his last 7.  The Orioles new 2B is just like the rock musician, Ryan Adams.  He has a little bit of pop, strikes out a lot and likes having sex with Mandy Moore.  The only difference is that the musician Ryan Adams actually gets to have sex with Mandy Moore.

Adrian Gonzalez – Now has, like, 17 homers in the last three days as him and Ellsbury lock horns for MVP votes.  That should help fill 42 minutes of a Sportscenter.

Carlos Quentin – Out until next week with shoulder pain that has him feeling less than manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.

Brett Cecil – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Morrow and him are all over the map from start to start.  Gem, coal, coal, gem… Then you get the occasional 6 IP, 5 ER with 9 Ks which, I suppose, is the blood diamond.

Alexi Ogando – 4 IP, 6 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t be surprised if his arm is tired.  BTW, somehow a tired arm is worse than an arm that falls asleep.  Weird!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer in 21 games.  Prior to last night, he went 0-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Has 27 Ks in 21 games.  I think Goldschmidt is gonna fit in perfectly with the Diamondhacks.

Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now one earned run in his last fourteen innings and only one terrible start in his last ten.  Fister’s only drawback is he doesn’t punch out many hitters, ironically.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs and his 133th strikeout to go with a .306 OBP.  Somewhere Rickey Henderson is mumbling to himself in 3rd person.

Brad Penny – It came out yesterday that he criticized Sean Rodriguez for running hard on a routine fly ball.  Penny also screams at players for being clean-shaven and having better metabolisms.

I said three days ago that Brian Wilson was probably headed for a DL stint.  And now he’s on the DL.  Confession:  I’m a time traveler!  And not for stocks or gambling Biff-style, I use my foresight for fantasy baseball.  To recap what I’ve been saying, I said three days ago that Brian Wilson– Wait, I should recap from a little further back.  Ramon Ramirez already has two saves, so that’s who I’d grab first.  Affeldt could get some saves, you just need to put up with his annoying duck.  Casilla may sneak into the picture, but I wouldn’t go deeper than one of these guys unless you’re very desperate.  Though remember closers can smell desperation and you’ll never get any saves like that.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we get into the roundup, I just wanted to announce that this afternoon there will be announcement. So this is the announcement’s announcement.  The pre-nouncement?  If you’ve been around the last three Augusts for our announcements, then this shouldn’t come as that huge of announcement.  But act surprised anyway, would you please?  Anyway II, the roundup:

Jordan Lyles – Was sent to Triple-A.  Hope he gets one of their TourBooks.  They have so many great coupons!

Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  Bee tee dubya, he has 13 homers on the year.  Where does he get drafted next year? Fifth round?  Sixth?  Hasn’t been drafted that low since he started hanging out with his cousin.

Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 with a steal.  More importantly, he played even as A-Rod returned.  Though, I wouldn’t count on that continuing.  Jeter DH’d yesterday, but he won’t do that every day.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs.  Now has 35 homers and 24 steals.  Is he in the MVP conversation at all?

Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER as Holland gave his owners a Dutch oven.

Tyler Flowers – 2-for-3, 3 runs, has now hit in 6 of 7 games.  In one league where we lost Eli Whiteside (yeah, it’s a deep league; no, we didn’t get extra points for owning Whiteside because he sounds like herring), I added Flowers.

Ryan Braun – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 25th and 26th steal.  He has no business stealing 26 bases, yet he goes out there and does just that for your fantasy team.  How sexy is he?  I want his swimsuit calendar.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-4 with his 9th homer.  Hasn’t really gotten hot all year, and I still wouldn’t say he is now, but he is hitting near .333 over the last week.  That’s McOkayhee.

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I haven’t given Hudson much fanfare this year, so here goes.  With a 3.01 ERA and a 1.07 WHIP, he’s been my most reliable starter on multiple teams and wish I owned him on every team, which is saying something since his Ks are pretty yawnstipating.  Thank you, Tim, for letting me love a non-strikeout pitcher.  Though, if you could ramp up the Ks, you’d be really awesome.

Adam Lind – Out with a sore wrist.  Should be able to return on Tuesday.  Canada waits.

Luis Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks and 4 Ks.  Late-blooming southpaw that ran up against a good matchup yesterday vs. the A’s.  I wouldn’t look at him outside of deep AL-Only leagues.  Could get some Ks, will probably get mollywhopped.

Frank Francisco – Scratched with a sore shoulder.  Well, stop scratching it!  Francisco has actually been decent recently, but if the shoulder’s a problem, it won’t matter.  Since Rauch is off seeing a giraffe doctor, Casey Janssen or Shawn Camp would see saves.

Rafael Furcal – Tripped over a rope and sprained his thumb.  He should’ve stuck with hopscotch.

Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers, three this weekend.  This had to be more than just the wind blowing out at Wrigley.  I’m guessing the entire Molina family, including Alfred, was sitting behind home plate blowing.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Um, dubya tee eff?  Last week I joked that Cleveland should raise the mound a mile above sea level, but I joke when I don’t think there’s any reason to worry.  Now, I’m kinda troubled.   Or troubaldo.  If he gets beat badly his next time out by the peasant Royals, might be time to discard.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Sat out with a back bruise after being plunked.  Eric Plunk, “Someone owes me a nickel!”

Ryan Lavarnway – 2-for-4.  Playing DH (do you play it?) which has me concerned.  If he only DHs then only pinch hits when Papi returns, will Lavarnway lose his catcher eligibility going into next year?  Probably moot since the Sawx will most likely let him start 2012 in the minors.  Cust pondering.

Craig Kimbrel – Recorded his 39th save.  Has 101 Ks, 1.72 ERA and 1.01 WHIP.  Member how Tony Gwynn used to watch hours of pitcher videos while eating donuts?  I think Kimbrel watched hours of a young Mariano.

James Shields – 7 1/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Mariners.  Huh?  I feel like the box score had a typo.

Brandon Belt – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Great, wonderful, gronderful!  But he hasn’t been playing every day so you might need to platoon him in and out of your fantasy lineup for right now.

Casper Wells – 2-for-4 with his 10th homer.  As all of Casper’s fans boo.  BTW, on Saturday I went to this karaoke place and this one guy was awful so I stood near the stage and started booing him.  Loudly.  He got rattled and started messing up the words (worse), so I booed louder.  I got a kick out of it, but apparently he didn’t.  He threw down the mic, shouted “Oh, that’s it!” and charged after me.  Luckily (for me and my mustache), three bouncers got to him before he got to me.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Before this game, I told someone in our fantasy baseball forums that I wouldn’t start Pineda again until he pitched well.  Well (stutterer!), this was a decent start.

Nick Blackburn – Left the game with a forearm strain.  Maybe it was straining to be a fivearm.

Ben Revere – 1-for-4 with his 2nd game in a row with a steal.  SAGNOF!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  McDonald was then replaced by Grilli.  I prefer the McGriddli.

Garrett Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run as he continues to stay hot with his 2nd homer in the last five games.

Joel Hanrahan – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Hanrahanananan is obviously strugglinginginging right now, but his season ERA is still at 1.76 so, ya know, don’t be ungrateful.

Carlos Quentin – Might end up on the DL with a sprained AC joint.  That sucks, humidity this time of the year is killer.

Peter Bourjos – 3-for-5 with his third homer of the weekend.  I’m telling you right now, there’s gonna be a sleeper post about him sometime in January and I’m gonna go cacacuckoo for him again next year.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Corspinosa is alive!  He tends to be streaky so if he’s out there, I’d give him another chance if you’re hurting with your middle infidel.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 as he also homered yesterday.  It must’ve been Zombie Day in Nationals Park.

Seth Smith – 1-for-2 with a slam & legs.  If someone asked me what’s the bare minimum you should get from your fifth outfielder in a 12 team mixed league, I’d say look at The Lisper’s Nightmare’s stats.

Ivan Nova – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Honestly, I don’t trust him.  This start was vs. the Twins who have Plouffe, the guy who sounds like the noise a turd makes when it hits the toilet water, hitting second.  If you’re chasing wins, I could see going with Nova, but chasing wins is a losing proposition. (<–Turn of a phrase point!)

Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was lifted after a rain delay then Schwimer took over.  All I can say is thank God he’s no longer making movies.

Jimmy Rollins – Left the game with a groin injury.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see this be a DL stint since the Phils will just want everyone healthy for the playoffs.  As Jimmy gets older, maybe he should ease back a little to Strollins.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 6 ER on Friday.  Madson, the Phils already have one Bastardo in the bullpen.  Please.  Wasn’t used in a save situation on Sunday, which was then blown by Bastardo and followed by Lidge losing the game.  I think Madson will be fine, was just a big giant blip.

Matt Wieters – 6 for his last 12 and his 12th homer yesterday.  Pretty whatever season from him so far, but if he were to hit five homers in the last month plus, his season would still look a’ight with definite promise for next year.  He really needs a big last month though.  Either way, I’m still gonna go all in with him next year again, assuming he’s drafted late, which he should be at this rate.

Delmon Young – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Tigers.  On the Twins, Delmon was happy, but on the Tigers Delmon’s all about business.

Bobby Parnell – Mets said Izzy will see some saves still, but then Izzy went out on Sunday and gave up one run and on Saturday he gave up 4 runs.  They say the 301st save is always the toughest.

Carlos Quentin – He was that guy from your high school who was incredible at everything. He was Lance Harbor before the injury, or Jason Street. You name it, Quentin did it. He was an amazing football player, was on a state champion high school basketball team, and was the San Diego Male Athlete of the Year in 2000.

He took his talents to Stanford, where he continued his success (Stanford made the championship game in 2003) with new teammates Sam Fuld and Jed Lowrie. He finished his career at Stanford with a .350 average, 35 bombs, 170 RBIs, and 26 SBs in just 199 games. Oh and he married an All-American track runner.

The Diamondbacks selected Quentin with the 29th pick in the 2003 draft. Unfortunately, he had to sit out 2003 because of Tommy John surgery – a slight non-Lance Harbor type of injury. In 2004, he came back with a vengeance, destroying minor league pitching to the tune of a .332/.435/.549 line.

He easily earned the promotion to AAA the following season and again excelled: .301/.422/.522. Before 2006, he was named the 20th best prospect throughout the minor leagues.

He was quickly promoted to the majors in 2006, and hit a homer in his third major league at bat. In 191 MLB plate appearances that year, he held his own with a .253/.342/.530 line with nine homers.

After that, unfortunately, is where things began to unravel. Quentin partially tore his labrum in Spring Training the next year, delaying his season debut to mid-April. He struggled early and was demoted to AAA on July 6.

Back amongst the boys, this man returned to his dominating self. Quentin looked prime for a rebound in 2008. However, the Diamondbacks thought otherwise and shipped him to Chicago for Chris Carter (then a low A first baseman at the top of the Sox prospect list). Carter was then packaged with a few other familiar names (Brett Anderson, Dana Eveland, Carlos Gonzalez and others) and sent to Oakland for Dan Haren.

While the Sox had not had the best track record in deals with the Diamondbacks of late, this was a clear win. Fully healthy, Quentin stormed out of the gates and put together a sterling final line: .288/.394/.571 and 36 HRs. These numbers could have been even better if Quentin had not hurt himself by slamming his bat in anger on September 5. The injury was severe enough to require surgery, and thereby end Quentin’s season prematurely.

Healthy, Quentin started well in 2009, but then began to suffer from plantar fasciitis and soon found himself on the DL finishing with a rocky and unimpressive season.

The next season wasn’t much different. Quentin was mostly healthy, but incredibly streaky. While playing poor defense, he finished with a .243/.342/.479 line.

At this point, he looked like a source for decent power but not much else. However, when looking deeper, he did have a poor (by his standards) .241 BABIP that season, which could have caused some of the horrid average. Of course, he just wasn’t hitting the ball with authority. His line drive rate was a putrid 13.9% (the lowest of his career) and he was swinging and missing more than he had previously with the White Sox. That said, his ground ball rate didn’t really spike and his HR/FB rate was still hovering around a perfectly normal 14%. It wouldn’t be hard to paint 2010 as somewhat flukey in the wrong direction.

Sure enough, in 2011, Quentin’s BABIP is .268, his average is a serviceable .261 and he has hit 20 HRs. Quentin is an elite power source. He is capable of pacing 35 HRs and maintaining a non-lethal average.

Cameron Maybin – He was(is) the next Ken Griffey, Jr. – at least according to some of his early managers. And, early on, this didn’t appear to be an offensive exaggeration. As a high school player in 2004, Maybin was the Connie Mack World Series MVP, won that tournament’s batting title, and was voted the 2004 Baseball America Youth Player of the Year.

He entered the MLB draft after high school and was selected 10th overall by the Detroit Tigers in 2005. In A ball, at just 19-years-old, Maybin was a force: .304/.387/.457 with nine HRs and 27 steals. Sure, he struck out 116 times in 445 plate appearances, but he was young, he was Nuke Laloosh.

He followed his 2006 minor league destruction campaign with an equally impressive 2007 season. Spread across Rookie, A+ and AA ball, Maybin hit .316/.409/.523 – what’s more, he limited his Ks and increased his walks.

Numbers like this are hard to ignore; Maybin quickly earned an espresso in the majors. While his final line was unimpressive (.143/.208/.265) with 21 Ks and just three walks, the talent was there. In his second game for the Tigers, Maybin got his first hit (a single), homer, and stolen base. The hits came off Roger Clemens, who promptly plunked him in after his homer.

That offseason, he was the sixth ranked prospect and one of the major pieces the Tigers used to acquire Miguel Cabrera and his attendant baggage (Dontrelle Willis). The Marlins put Maybin in AA, where he was okay (.277/.375/.456), but not great (124 Ks and only 60 walks).

In 2009, the Marlins started him in centerfield on opening day. However, he struggled a bit and was demoted to AAA. He succeeded immensely there (.319/.399/.463 with just 58 Ks to 38 walks in 343 plate appearances) and rejoined the Marlins later in the season. Ultimately, he accumulated 199 MLB plate appearances in which he showed promise (.250/.318/.409) with 51 Ks and 17 walks.

He again would scuffle in the majors and dominate minor league pitching in 2010. Throughout his minor league career, Maybin deservedly earned an amazing amount of honors:

•    Twice an All-Star Futures Game selection
•    Arizona Fall League Rising Stars
•    Southern League Mid-Season All-Star
•    Baseball America High Class A All-Star
•    Florida State League Postseason All-Star
•    Florida State League Mid-Season All-Star
•    Baseball America Low Class A All-Star
•    Midwest League Prospect of the Year

Not enough for the Marlins, who apparently though they had a better centerfielder in the organization, the organization dealt Maybin to San Diego for a couple of relievers in the offseason. For the Padres, Maybin has maintained his walk rate north of 7% and cut down on his Ks. While that is important, his BABIP is high (.353), given no change in his contact and line drive rates.

Still, Maybin is just 24 years old and on his way to putting up a .272/.329/.410 line with double digits homers and 37-40 steals. He’ll be good for several wins above a replacement player and could be a breakout player next season. Currently he’s a better real life player than fantasy, but he should help with steals down the stretch, which makes him a nice subtle move in keeper/dynasty leagues.

I’m a major believer in Maybin long-term as an Ellsbury-lite.

Emilio Bonifacio – At just 16, Bonifacio was signed by Arizona Diamondbacks in 2001. He’d make his debut two years later and hit quite poorly in A ball (.199/.298/.219).

The following season, again at A ball, Bonifacio showed a little more promise (.260/.306/.319) with 122 Ks against just 25 walks. He repeated the level the following season and acquitted himself well. By cutting down on his Ks and increasing his walks, Bonifacio was able to post a .270/.341/.330 line with 55 steals.

In 2006 he started at A+ and took off: .321/.375/.449 with 61 steals and 104 Ks against 44 walks.  The following year, at AA, Bonifacio began to look like a future major leaguer: .285/.333/.352 with 41 steals. In fact, these numbers earned him his first cup of coffee later that season, appearing in 11 games for the Diamondbacks, though not doing anything of positive note.

Bonifacio returned to Tucson the following year and continued to play well (.302/.348/.387). So well, in fact, that the Diamondbacks dealt him to the Washington Nationals for Jon Rauch later that season. Bonifacio continued to play well for the Nationals AAA club (.452/.500/.516) in the eight games after the trade and was quickly called up. He didn’t do much for the Nats in the majors, but didn’t look completely lost out there either (.248/.305/.344).

The Nats parlayed Bonifacio’s potential into Josh Willingham and Scott Olsen before the 2009 season. The Marlins installed Bonifacio as their everyday third baseman that year and he started off with a bang by hitting an inside the park homer on Opening Day. While his first month created quite a stir, his season ended up rather pedestrian (.252/.303/.308 with 21 steals in 30 chances).

The following season, he split time between the majors and minors and didn’t do anything particularly special (aside from going a perfect 12/12 in SB attempts).

Still, going into 2011, he was just 26 and the Marlins envisioned him as a sort of super utility guy. Indeed, he has played everywhere, and has looked quite good (.297/.373/.381 with 23 steals in 27 attempts). He is also 37 for his last 96 with 26 runs and 18 steals in that stretch. Of course, he also has a ridiculous .478 BABIP over the last 28 days.

While Bonifacio has typically had a highish BABIP throughout his career, his .375 mark this season is a bit otherworldly given his contact and line drive rates. Bonifacio is not a complete mirage; he has increased his walk rate and cut down on his Ks. So, Bonifacio remains a fine player, capable of hitting .275 with 35-40 steals. Obviously, his recent hot streak is a nice thing to ride, but think of him more as a middling average player, with no pop, who can steal a decent amount of bases. Basically, he’s a Juan Pierre-lite (you know back when Juan Pierre was sort of good at baseball).

After being hit on the kneecap by a Jon Lester pitch, Mark Teixeira needed to be helped off the field by “Quiz Kid” Donnie Smith– I mean, Joe Girardi.  Te(i)x must have been in serious pain to let a grown man with braces help him off the field.  That’s I before E except in Teixeira seizes codeine.  Luckily, Te(i)x’s x-rays came back negative and it sounds like he’ll only be out a few days with a bruised knee.  You feel me?  Yeah, you do.  Now stop touching me.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Jakubauskas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not a worth a pickup outside a 20 team league that only uses Orioles.  BTW, you think he ever misspells his own last name?

Nick Markakis – 0-for-4, hitting .236 on the year with 4 home runs.  Not sure what happened to this young brother, but I wouldn’t even start him in an AL-Only league at this point.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Nine baserunners in 5 innings isn’t great; 5 walks vs. 4 Ks is terrible.  He has a decent K-rate, but walks have been an issue before.  I’d grab him in deeper leagues, but leave him on your bench for his next start.  BTW, ESPN had a 17-word article that would make an eHow article look Pulitzer-worthy about how Rubby and Dee Gordon were in a game together and Ruby Dee was once in A Raisin in the Sun.  “Hey, I got this great piece about Rubby, Dee Gordon and Ruby Dee!”  “Great, give it to me in 20 words or less and in three minutes!”

Jonathan Broxton – If all goes according to plan, Broxton should be back within the next two weeks.  So if he was dropped, I’d stash him for the future ulcer he will give you when he becomes the closer again.

Dee Gordon – 3-for-5 with a steal as he hit leadoff.  I was telling people yesterday to go with Eric Young Jr. over Gordon, but I think I wanna retract that.  Can I get a do over?

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th home run.  Speaking of do overs, can I go back and draft Kemp on every team?  It’s no shock that the team where we are sitting comfortably in first has Kemp on it.

Javy Guerra – Think it’s a conincidence that the Dodgers haven’t had a save chance in two weeks?  I don’t.  For now, Guerra does seem like the guy they are holding back in case of a save opp.

Mike Carp – The Mariners called up the power-hitting 1st baseman.  Since May 1st, he has 16 home runs.  Of course, that’s in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon but still.  Carp should see some ABs because the Mariners have no business playing Jack Cust.  Cust kayin’.

Allen Craig – Left yesterday’s game after crashing into the wall.  He might miss a few days with a bruised knee, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised knee.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3 with a home run a day after he had a steroid injected into his wrist.  I guess as long as it’s not in your ass it’s okay.  (You don’t have to go all Professor Frink in the comments, I know it’s a different type of steroid.  I’m just bitter that Berkman’s not slowing down.)

Jon Rauch – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save.  Francisco did Mr. Bungle yesterday’s game so there’s a chance Rauch could see more looks.  SAGNOF!

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, o ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Best he’s looked all year.  Yeah, better than the no-hitter.  If he’s out on waivers, I’d take a flyer on him to see if he just needed some warm weather and to get healthy.

Brett Anderson – As reported here after inferring shizz from other sites, Anderson was DL’d and is now going to see Dr. Freeze.  You broke-ace trick!

Felix Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  F-Her?  More like F-U for drafting a top SP in the first few rounds.

Phil Humber – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His K-rate looks like Livan Hernadez’s when throwing BP.  His BABIP is the second lowest (read: luckiest) in the league.  His name sounds like it should be one word and a verb — She philhumbered whenever the teacher asked her for the answer.  If you want to own him, be my guest.  I wouldn’t touch him.  (And since I feel you about to ask, this applies for Rick Porcello too.)

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th home run.  I haven’t mentioned him much, probably because I don’t own him anywhere.  I like Quentin and think he’s capable of 35 homers if he stays healthy.  The problem is that ‘if’ is the size of Frenchie Davis.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  In the preseason, I told you to draft Zimmermann on every team.  Over two months into the season, his ERA is 3.39 and his WHIP is 1.12.  Yup.

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hommy Tanson is so money that money asked him for a loan.  Believe it!  Or don’t.  Your choice.

Brad Hand – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 6 Ks.  Wow, a full house with the river card!  Can only hope at Pro Player/Joe Robbie/The Company Formerly Known As Blockbuster/Sun Life Stadium they played, “Let’s hear it for my Hand, let’s hear it for my baby.”  Hand had a so-so K and walk rate in Double-A this year and will probably get bounced from the rotation.  I’d only look at him in deep NL-Only leagues.

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m sorry to insult Murray Chass, but wins are a really stupid category.  That is all.

Juan Miranda – 4-for-4 with his 6th home run.  He was hot about two weeks ago then ice cold.  And I say what’s cooler than bein’ cool?  Ice cold!  Miranda may be heating up again.  Hey ya!

Carlos Carrasco – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After the game, all the AL pitchers in the league were lined up to pitch to the Twins like that scene in Airplane when they’re lined up to slap that lady who is hysterical.

Tim Stauffer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  It’s so cute when a Hodgepadre does what he’s supposed to do, I just want to pinch his cheeks.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Miguel Cairo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd home run.  Mubarak categorically denied any responsibility for Cairo’s offensive outburst.

Adam Lind looks headed to the DL with back spasms.  Wait until the Iron Shiek gets his hand on Lance Berkman.  You know how he hates ex-members of the Killer B’s.   I break your back!  Make you humble!  And… Well, you can watch the video yourself.  It’s not safe for work, community outreach centers or, really, anywhere there’s anyone else within earshot.  From that point, browse some more Iron Sheik videos.  He has a surprisingly large amount of hatred for a wide array of people and expresses his hatred in the most eloquent of ways.  Okay, that was a long sidebar.  As for Lind, hope he gets DL’d quickly so you can grab someone else.  Yeah, I kinda just wanted to talk about the Iron Sheik.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Vicente Padilla – Mattingly said Padilla could keep closing even after Broxton returns.  I say, it’s early May and things will change.   To misquote my new favorite song, “Padilla is the same man, same that he’s always been.”  All these buckets of rain!  I love that song.  Okay, moving on.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Facing the Padres is the ultimate slumpbuster.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5Ks in a no decision.  Beckett suddenly has gone from a 5.78/1.54 to a sub-2.00/sub-1.00 ERA/WHIP.  His dad better re-think his rookie card valuation.

Justin Morneau – 2-for-5.  Two hits in one game?!  There hasn’t been a game where he’s done more, no?  The preceding wordplay was brought to you by Highlights Magazine.

Luke Scott – Has a partial tear in his labrum.  I hear that’s common among aspiring female gymnasts.

Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I’d like to Iron Shiek this guy and make him humble.  Can’t someone make the proper call on the Marlins and send him to the Disgraceful List?  He’s useless.  Really bad year to give up avoiding V**quez pitchers.

Gaby Sanchez – Now has homers in back-to-back games while going 7 for his last 8.  Yo Gaby Gaby!

Roy Oswalt – Will not be ready to return on Friday.  He said, “Stupid tractor’s got its peddles all flippety-flappety.  I don’t know when I can return.”

Domonic Brown – Hitting well in Triple-A.  Time to start stashing him on your bench.

Aneury Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks as he got pitchslapped by Travis Wood and gave me an aneurysm in my NL-Only league.

Chris Iannetta – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer.  I’d say he’s better than Napoli but I’m afraid that I might wake up with El Caballo’s head in my bed.

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3.  I liked the 0-for-0′s better.

Ryan Doumit – I saw that he hit a homer last week, but then he was benched.  Then he hit a homer in his next start on Sunday.  Then yesterday he played in his 2nd game in a row and went 3-for-4.  If you play in two catcher leagues, you can grab Doumit, but keep in mind his last name is German for without glove.

Joel Hanrahan – Recorded his 11th save while rocking a 1.42 ERA.  What’s the world coming to?!  Somebody shoot Spider.

Travis Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On Thursday, there’s going to be a post about pitchers that have been unlucky.  Guess who was going to headline it?  You better knock… On Wood!  Yeah, that’s the drawback to writing about a sport that changes every day.  I’d still see if you could get Wood without it costing too much.  And that sounded like a person bargain shopping for brothels.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4  Ks.  I get no pleasure from seeing someone I avoided doing poorly.  Actually, that’s a lie.  Schadenfreude!

Carlos Quentin – A HR and 5 RBIs to up his totals to 8 HR and 23 RBIs.  Party like it’s 2008!

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  You’re glad you held tight to Jackson now, huh?  What?  You didn’t hold tight?  Oh, your bad.

Vernon Wells – Strained groin.  I used to strain my groin all the time in high school.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he FIP’ed off his non-owners.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer while he appeals a suspension for bumping an umpire on Saturday.  This is after BJ Upton had a HR and 7 RBIs during the weekend while appealing a suspension.  If only Milton Bradley had just been himself in Seattle…

Milton Bradley – The Mariners designated Bradley for assignment as he wasn’t meeting their offensive standards (double meaning intended).  How bad is it when the Mariners think your hitting isn’t up to snuff?  It’s like the late 70′s Pirates or 80′s Mets dropping you because you do too much coke.  Milton Bradley is upset but at least he wasn’t replaced by one of the Parker brothers.